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Subj: God2 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 36 jokes and articles)

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Subj: How The Jews Got The 10 Commandments (S470b)
From: DoctorDebt on 1/26/2006

The Lord went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for
you that will make your lives better."

And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord
said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So he went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor
thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I haveCommandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou
shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The
French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not
commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested.

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

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Subj:     God's Questionnaire (S414)
          From: DafterLafter on 12/28/2004

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take
a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose
your name or address unless you prefer a direct response
to comments or suggestions.

How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Torah
__ Bible
__ Koran
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Friend or Relative
__ Other: ____________

Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Horoscope
__ Fortune cookies
__ Self-help books
__ Biorythms
__ Mantras
__ Insurance policies
__ Lottery
__ Television
__ Ann Landers
__ Sex
__ Alcohol or drugs
__ Other: ____________
__ None

God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to
preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind
faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of
disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5
his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory,
5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)
1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease,
sports upsets)
1 2 3 4 5

Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for
improving the quality of God's services?
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

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Subj:     Anne Graham, God, And September 11 (S341b)
          From: cookpat on 8/5/2003

Warning - This is NOT a joke.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show
and Jane Clayson asked her "I've heard people say, those
who are religious, those who are not, if God is good, how
could God let this happen? To that, you say?

Anne Graham Lotz: I say God is also angry when he sees
something like this. I would say also for several years
now Americans in a sense have shaken their fist at God and
said, God, we want you out of our schools, our government,
our business, we want you out of our marketplace. And God,
who is a gentleman, has just quietly backed out of our
national and political life, our public life. Removing his
hand of blessing and protection. We need to turn to God
first of all and say, God, we're sorry we have treated you
this way and we invite you now to come into our national
life. We put our trust in you. We have our trust in God
on our coins, we need to practice it.

Going to snopes.com and entering "Anne Graham" I go the
above interview from http://www.snopes.com/rumors/wheregod.htm

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Subj:     Woodcutter Meets The Lord (S341b)
          From: gheckman on 8/1/2003

WHY MEN LIE

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree
above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried
out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went
down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is
this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied,
"No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is
this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter
replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with
an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The
woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the
man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the
woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife
along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the
water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with
Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes,"
cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The
woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer
Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up
with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given
all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able
to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes'
to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for
a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

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Subj:     Mother Teresa And God (S334b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/22/2003

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at
the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked
God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye
bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble
meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the
inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants,
and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained
quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa
could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey,
venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with
you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But
here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye
bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and
kings! I just don't understand it..."

God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa,"
He said, "... for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

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Subj:     'God Speaks' Billboards (S334)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/21/2003

Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks"
billboards. The billboards are a simple black background
with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization
is included. These are awesome ... enjoy

Tell the kids I love them. - God

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. - God

C'mon over and bring the kids. - God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? - God

We need to talk. - God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. - God

Don't make me come down there. - God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. - God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. - God

I love you and you and you and you and... - God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? - God

Follow me. - God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. - God

My way is the highway. - God

Need directions? - God

You think it's hot here? - God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. - God

Do you have any idea where you're going? - God

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Subj:     Lawns and God (S334b, S556c)
          From: FridaySilliness on 6/20/2003
      and From: darrellvip on 9/14/2007

LAWNS AND GOD
(an overhead conversation with the Big Guy)

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about the gardens and
       nature. What in the world is going on down there
       in the USA? What happened to the dandelions,
       violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I
       had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those
       plants grow in any type of soil, withstanding
       drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from
       the long lasting blossoms attract butterflies,
       honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to
       see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see
       are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
       The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers
       weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and
       replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It
       doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees -- only
       grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with
       temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all
       that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains
       to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring
       by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
       that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a
little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up
and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No sir-just the opposite. They pay to throw
it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass
so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it
off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer
       when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
       That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot
       of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord.
       When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out
       hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
       continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees.
       That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I say so myself.
       The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty
       and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to
       the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture
       in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus,
       as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the
       soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites
       have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall,
       they rake them into great piles and pay to have them
       hauled away.

GOD: NO! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree
roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and
loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out
and buy something which they call mulch. They haul
it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to
make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you are in charge of the arts. What
movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real
stupid movie about (abruptly interrupted).

GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story
from St. Francis.

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Subj:     Is God Black Or White? (S323b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 4/1/2003

Two lifelong friends had a running argument. The black
friend would argue that God was black, and the white
friend would disagree and say that God was white.

One day, they decided to go fishing. On the way back,
they were still arguing about whether or not God was
black or white. Before they knew it, they where in an
accident, and they found themselves in heaven. When
they got there, St. Peter met them at the Pearly gates.

Again, the question was brought up, "Is God black or
white?"

St. Peter told them to have a seat in the waiting room
and God would come out and talk to them about it.

While they were waiting, they continued to argue whether
God was black or white. Then they heard some footsteps
coming. They turned around as the door swung open and in
stepped in God in His grandest toga.

They looked to Him expectantly, waiting for His answer to
their long running argument.

"Hola, muchachos!"

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Subj:     The Winning Lottery Number (S262)
          From: dogbyte on 2/4/2002

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for
the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his
friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned
closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look
around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more
despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no
divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie
stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down.
She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began
to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the
skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a
notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played
the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held.
And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707....

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Subj:     God's 'Voice Mail' (S235b)
          From: gheckman on 7/27/2001

Most of us have now learned to live with "voice mail" as
a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever
wondered what it would be like if God decided to install
voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven.

For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, Press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping
other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important
to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received.
Please stay on the line.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while
you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press
5, then enter his or her social security number, followed
by the "pound" sign. (If you receive a negative response,
please hang up and try area code 666.)

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed
by the numbers 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions
about dinosaurs, the age of the Earth, life on other
planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you
arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a
religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30
am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency
assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you, and
have a heavenly day!

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Subj:     Little Jimmy Talks To God (S232)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/26/2001

Little Jimmy was lying on a hillock in the middle of a
meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled
by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think
about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out
loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds.

"Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a
million years like to you?"

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of
infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could
relate, "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."

"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars
like to you?"

"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."

"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so
generous, can I have one of your pennies?"

God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."

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Subj:     Give Me A Sign Lord (S402b)
          From: LABLaughsClean 2004-09-30 on 9/30/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200408/041.htm

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Subj:     The Senility Prayer (S149)
          From: RFSlick on 12/10/1999

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together;
     now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
     been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when
     you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put
     them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and
     a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
     hereafter... I go somewhere to get something, and then
     wonder what I'm here after.

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Subj:     God's Affair (S55)
          From: Anaise on 98-02-16

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that
God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal
began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed
that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a
barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a
long time," that she was constantly talking about her
relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have
had his child."

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement
denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and
that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a
brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation
to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been
broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered
money to his illegitimate child through three foreign
operatives known only as the "Wise Men." Beelzebub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to
do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed
to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in
order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent
months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded
to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts
that plagued God's political opponents in the last election,
as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of
Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a
scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group
was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these new allegations prove to be true, this could be a
huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent
crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punish-
ments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a
"tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a
bill by Rep. Moses.

Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers
for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain"
Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on
free speech.

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Subj:     Letter From G-d (S53)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #30 on 98-01-31

After having been commissioned by G-d to take a survey of
how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his
boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter,
what have you found out?" G-d asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people
are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol,
murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But
the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According
to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four
out of five dentists recommend it! I'm afraid it has
reached epidemic proportions."

"Hmmm," G-d said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommend-
ations as to what should be done to put an end to this
sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who
engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should
tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day
if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," G-d stated, "but I think
that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we
should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a
letter that's personally signed by me to each one of
these good people.

Do you know what the letter said?
(scroll down)
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
No? You didn't get one either, huh?

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Subj:     When God Created Mothers
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-20

When the good Lord was creating mothers, he was into his
sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You
are doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this order?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic...have
180 movable parts - all replaceable...run on black coffee
and leftovers...have a lap that disappears when she stands
up...a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a
disappointed love affair...and six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of
hands? No way." "It's not the hands that are causing me
problems," said the Lord, "it's the three pairs of eyes
that mothers have to have."

"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. The Lord
nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she
asks, "What are you kids doing in there?" when she already
knows. Another in the back of her head that sees what she
shouldn't but what she has to know. And, of course, the
ones in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and
say, "I understand and I love you" without uttering a word."

"Lord," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "go to
bed. Tomorrow is another..." "I can't" said the Lord "I'm
so close now. Already I have one who heals herself when
she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of
hamburger, and can get a nine-year old to stand under a
shower."

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's
too soft." she sighed. "But tough!" said the Lord excitedly,
"You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."

"Can it think?" "Not only think, but it can reason and
compromise." said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the
cheek. "There's a leak." she pronounced. "It's not a leak,"
said the Lord, "it's a tear." "What's it for?" "It's for
joy, sadness, disapointment, pain, loneliness and pride."

"You are a genius." said the angel. The Lord looked somber.
"I didn't put it there."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Woman Calls God From Hell

An old Catholic woman dies and winds up in hell. Knowing
full well that she was a good catholic and did nothing
wrong her entire life, she phones up god to complain,
"Hello God?," she starts, "This is Mary, there seems to be
a problem, I've died and gone to hell, and I don't like it
much down here. Is there any way you can get me up there
where I belong?"

God reply's, "HMMM, Mary you say? Let me check the records,
I'll call you right back."

Two days go by with no phone call. In the mean time Mary
decides to call God back. "Hello God?", Mary shouts,
"There are people swearing and cursing down here. There
are prostitutes and drug dealers. I really wish you would
hurry up and get me out of here."

God reply’s "Mary, we have found out that a computer error
occurred and your not supposed to be down there, please
give us a few hours to clear this problem up, and well
have you up here in a jiffy."

Mary, bides her time. After a few more days with no phone
call Mary calls God again. "HELLO, GOD?" she screams,
"This is an emergency, There are people fornicating at my
feet, a man just flashed me his private parts, and it was
not a pretty sight. PLEASE PLEASE, get me Out Of HERE!!!!"

God reply’s "Mary, the computer programmer couldn't fix the
problem, so he turned it over to his systems administrator,
the problem should be fixed shortly. Please hang in there,
we're doing the best we can. I'll call you right back."

So Mary waits two more days......no phone call. So Mary
calls again. "HELLO, ASSHOLE?" FUCK OFF, They've Got Bingo!!!!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Yeltsin, Clinton And Gates Meet God (S189)
          From: DrSwitzer on 04/12/97
      and From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/14/2000

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates each received a visit from God.
God told them that he was going to cause the world to end
in three days. Yeltsin went back to Moscow and told the Russian
people: I've got bad news and worse news: the bad news is that
the Soviets were wrong all along--there is a God. The worse
news is that the world will end in three days.

Clinton returned to Washington and told the American people:
I've got good news and bad news: the good news is that the
American people were right all along, there is a God. The bad
news is that the world will end in three days.

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and told his people: I've got
good news and better news: the good news is that God thinks I'm
important. The better news is 'The Year 2000' problem is solved.

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Subj:     God Created Women-Poem (349b)
          From: RFSlick on 9/28/2003

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.' "
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole fucking thing.

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Subj:     God Created Dogs, Monkeys, Cows And Men (S212, S521)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: darrell94590 on 1/15/2007

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about
only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So
God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks
for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How
about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go
into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to
live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the
other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly
give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the
monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why the first
twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the
next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front
porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

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Subj:     Children's Letters To God (S113)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-29
      and From: Tom_Adams on 3/24/99
      (Also see 'Kids Talk To God' in THO-WARM)

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that
or was it an accident? Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why don't You just keep the ones You have now? Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.
Is that okay? Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God?
I thought You had everything. Jane

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what
I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought
it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before,
You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail.
Ha ha. Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much
if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big
but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look
both ways. Dean

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody
in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our
family and I can never do it. Nan

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You
I like Noah and David the best. Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't
sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? Marsha

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll
show You my new shoes. Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like
the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said
You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark
on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck
with You. That's what I would do. Eddie

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well,
I just want You to know but I am not just saying
that because You are GOD already. Charles

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the
sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene

Dear GOD,
In Sunday school they told us what You do.
Who does it when You are on vacation? Jane

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean?
Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he
uses his bowling words in the house? Anita
Top
Subj: More Children's Letters To God (S284)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 7/9/2002

Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas
and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Ginny

Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come
apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

Dear - God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be
Jennifer Horton - because I hate her. Denise

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said some things about you that people are not supposed
to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your
friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

Dear God,
How did you know you were God? Charlene

Dear God,
I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones. Glenn

Dear God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

Dear God,
It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you
get mixed up sometimes? Arnold

Dear God,
In bible times did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer

Dear God,
How come you did all those miracles in the old days and
don't do any now? Seymour

Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if
they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet.
Don't forget. Mark

Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him
through business? Donny

Dear God,
It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right
places. Jeff

Dear God,
I am doing the best I can. Frank

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Subj:     Children's Letters To God II (S475c)
          From: darrell94590
          on 2/21/2006

          Source: http://go.funpic.hu

To view these letters to God on my web site click 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Short God Jokes (S105)

Top
Subj: God's Messenger By Dave Barry (S403b)
From: igiggle on 9/22/2004
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with
a bad hairstyle. -- Dave Barry

Top
Subj: A Man Talks To God? (S162)
From: RFSlick on 3/9/00
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass & looking up
at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to
talk to God.

"God," he asked, "how long is a million years?"

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about aminute."

The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?'

God answered, "To me, it's a penny."

The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "In a minute."

Top

Subj:     Tweety Bird's Prayer (S131b, S329)
          From: mbucher on 7/28/99
      and From: darrell94590 on 3/14/2007

You can view this cute cartoon on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
An athestic, dyslexic, insomniac is a guy who lays awake
at night wondering if there really is a DOG!

From: Taven on 99-02-06 (S105)
God is real, unless previously declared an integer

From: dogbyte on 12/10/2001 (S254)
God didn't go into the religion business until
He was sure that He could make a prophet!

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/31/2002 (S270c)
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid
to laugh." --Voltaire (1694-1778)

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/21/2002 (S295b)
The gods too are fond of a joke.
-- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/18/03 (S325b)
He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need
because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a
beast or a god. -- Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

From: Puneet385 on 1/5/2003 (S310b)
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography." -- Paul Rodriguez

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/4/2003 (S349b)
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
God calls a butterfly!

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/14/2006 (S386b)
Make God laugh, "Tell him your plans" --Ken Hall

From: Robert P. on 10/12/03 (S350b)
Q: Why did God invent women?
A: Because sheep can't cook.

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