.
.
>>>
Subj:     Hell Jokes
                 (Includes 24 jokes and articles, 16888,11,cf,md4w,4)

Devil Hot from
Millanimations
Includes the following:  'Devil Baby' Terrifies New Yorkers - Video (S888)
.........................Cajun In Hell (S680)
.........................Hell's Schedule (S273, S523c)
.........................If I Were the Devil By Paul Harvey - Radio (S866)
.........................Satan Goes To Church (S221, S597c)
.........................Twin Brothers Die (DU)
.........................Muppets - Devil Went To Jamaica - Videos (S670)
.........................The Devil's Muse - Puzzle (S510)
.........................Consultant Picks Between Heaven And Hell (S88, DU)
.........................Frank And Ernest Cartoon (DU)
.........................Saddam Goes To Hell (S346b, DU)
.........................Pope, Graham, And Roberts Die (S327b, DU)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon (DU)
.........................On Your Head In Hell (DU)
.........................Heaven Is Hotter Than Hell (S63, DU)
.........................Hell Sign - Picture (S404b)
.........................Three Guys In Hell (DU)
.........................Three Guys In Hell Ver. 2 (S207, DU)
.........................Engineer Goes To Hell (s230, DU)
.........................Herman Cartoon (S868)
.........................Farmer Goes To Hell And Likes It (S20, DU)
.........................Biker Goes To Hell And Likes It (S52, DU)
.........................Short Hell Jokes
..............................Where Are We Going? - Sign (S451)

Also see CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Two Boys Discuss Satin'
         COMPUTERS3   - 'Jesus And Satan Have Programming Contest'
         COMPUTERS4   - 'The Importance Of Correct E-Mail Addresses'
         CONTRACTOR   - 'The Parable Of The Good Contractor'
         COWBOY file  - 'Two Texans, Two Nuns, And A Football Game'
         EDEN file    - 'Lost Genesis Chapter 2'
         FAMOUS-GATES - 'Bill Gates Dies And Meets God'
         FOOD-ETC     - 'God And The Devil Create Food'
         GOD2 file    - 'Woman Calls God From Hell'
         HEAD/ADS-SUPP- 'Dirt Devil - The Exorcist' - Video
         LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer Meets Satan'
......................- 'Ulyssess Grant Meets Several Lawyers'
         MATH1 file   - 'Proof Barney Is Satanic'
         PHYSICS2 file- 'Is Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic?'

============================================================Top
Subj:     'Devil Baby' Terrifies New Yorkers (S888d)
          Posted by DevilsDueNYC
          From: RDobry on Facebook on 1/15/2014
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/PUKMUZ4tlJg
 Source2: http://nypost.com/2014/01/15/
..........devil-baby-terrorizes-new-yorkers/

 Some unsuspecting New Yorkers were scared out of their
 wits by a demonic robot baby hidden in what looked like
 an abandoned stroller - a shriek-inducing prank to promote
 the new horror flick Devil's Due.  Click on either source,
 or 'HERE' for my copy, to see these New Yorkers become
 terrified.

Top
Subj:     Cajun In Hell (S680)
          From: allenbergman on 2/1/2010

 A Cajun who died went to hell.  The devil assigned him the
 usual punishment... put him in the mass pit where the heat
 was melting others.  The devil came back sometime later
 surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even
 misting, much less sweating.  "How come you're not so much
 as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief
 from the heat?"

 The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous
 of Sout Looziana.  Dis ain't nothin' but May in Morgan City
 to me!"

 The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it.  He
 put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes
 and four extra furnaces blasting.  When he came back, days
 later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to
 bead up with sweat.  The devil was outraged.  "How is this
 possible!?  You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in
 these conditions!."

 The Cajun laughed even harder than before.  "Hey, man! I
 done tole you.  I was raised in Sout Looziana.  You tink
 dis is heat?!  Dis ain't nothin' but August in Cow Island !"

 So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to
 do the trick.'  He put the Cajun into a corner of hell
 where no heat ever reached.  It was freezing and to add to
 the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting
 frozen air.  When he returned, the Cajun was shivering,
 ice hung from every part of him but he was grinning like it
 was Christmas.

 Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?!
 You're impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions
 you can't be used to... freezing cold and yet you're
 happier than if you were in heaven.  WHY?!"

 The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Don't dis mean de
 Saints won da Super Bowl?"

Top
Subj:     Hell's Schedule (S273, S523c)
          From: thebartend on 4/17/2002
      and From: roybarron on 1/26/2007

 One day a guy died and found himself in hell.  As he was
 wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

 The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

 The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

 "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a
 lot of fun down here.  You a drinking man?"

 "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

 "Well you're gonna love Mondays then.  On Mondays all we
 do is drink.  Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,
 diet Tab and Fresca.  We drink till we throw up and then
 we drink some more!"

 The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

 "You a smoker?" the demon asked.

 "You better believe it!"

 "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
 all over the world and smoke our lungs out.  If you get
 cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

 "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

 The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

 "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

 "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.  Craps, blackjack,
 roulette, poker, slots, whatever.  If you go bankrupt,
 well, you're dead anyhow.

 You into drugs?"

 The guy said, "Are you kidding?  I love drugs!  You don't
 mean . . ."

 "That's right! Thursday is drug day.  Help yourself to a
 great big bowl of crack, or smack.  Smoke a doobie the
 size of a submarine.  You can do all the drugs you want,
 you're dead, who cares!"

 "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his
 situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

 The demon said, "You gay?"

 "No."

 "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Top
Subj:     If I Were the Devil By Paul Harvey (S866d)
          From: tom on 8/3/2013
Drawing from Born-Today.com
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=ZaGVCO6CByQ&vq=large
 Source2: http://stg.do/9LDc

 This amazing prediction was 48 years ago on April 3, 1965.
 Do you remember the famous ABC radio commentator Paul Harvey?
 Millions of Americans listened to his programs, which were
 broadcast over 1,200 radio stations nationwide.

 Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to listen
 to this three minutes, radio program.  When you listen to this,
 remember the commentary was broadcast 48 years ago in 1965.

Top
Subj:     Satan Goes To Church (S221, S597c)
          From: RFSlick on 4/19/2001
      and From: darrellvip on 6/27/2008

 A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople
 were sitting in their pews and talking.  Suddenly, Satan
 appeared at the front of the church.

 Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
 trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
 incarnate.  Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
 elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
 seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in
 his presence.  So Satan walked up to the old man and said,
 "Don't you know who I am?"

 The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

 "Nope, sure ain't." ! said the man.

 "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

 "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an
 even tone.

 "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying,
 physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

 "Yep," was the calm reply.

 "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

 "Nope."

 More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't
 you afraid of me?"

 The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
 over 48 years."

Top
Subj:     Twin Brothers Die (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #214 on 97-12-04

 Identical twin brothers. One lives a godly life, good
 husband and father, reputable businessman, lots of community
 service.  One is a hell-raiser, drunk, unfaithful to wife,
 mean to kids, cheats and lies.

 They both die at about the same time.  The good twin is in
 heaven and can look down on the bad twin in hell.  Hell is
 not as the good twin imagined.  His brother is drinking and
 partying, lots of beautiful women, music, dancing, passionate
 kissing going on. The good twin sees St Peter and says to
 him, "Mind you, I'm not complaining.  This place is peaceful
 and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's
 having the time of his life.  He has his own beer keg and
 just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing."

 St Peter puts an arm on the man's shoulder and says, "My
 son, all is not as it seems.  The keg has a hole in it.
 The woman doesn't."

Top
Subj:     Muppets - Devil Went To Jamaica(S670d4)
          From: rfslick on 11/11/09 (in Music-Supp2)
Drawing from YouTube.com...
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnepPZChA5U
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKLWfhhLZAs
 Source3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdXqy_u-lS8
 Source4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3gIf16d0Tc
.
 First was the original song
.
"The Devil Went Down to Georgia" is a song
written and performed by the Charlie Daniels
Band released in 1979.  In the song, the
Devil, in the mood to make a deal, hears
young Johnny boasting about being the best
 fiddler there ever was.  He challenges him to a contest:
 if Johnny wins, he gets the Devil's golden fiddle, but if
 the Devil wins, he gets Johnny's soul.  Johnny wins the
 contest and the golden fiddle. Slim Wilson, Lubbock Lou,
 and Zeke play back-up.  Click on Source1, or 'HERE' for my
 copy, to listen to this original, great song.
.
 Second was The "Muppet Show", Episode 420
.
On The Muppet Show, the Devil and Johnny
performed the classic fiddle-duel "The Devil
Went Down to Georgia" as the opening number
in episode 420 on February 11-16, 1980.
Click on Source2, or 'HERE' for my copy,
 to see this episode of the "Muppet Show."
.
 Third was the rewritten parody about drugs
.
"The Devil Went Down to Jamaica" was a song
written and performed by Travis "Buster" Meyer,
a DJ at Rock104 in Fort Wayne, Indiana in 1998.
This parody is often miscredited to David Allen
Coe or "Weird Al" Yankovic.  Click on Source3,
 or 'HERE' for my copy, to listen to the rewritten song in a
 cartoon.
.
 Last was the combining of second and third parts
.
Someone on the internet took the words from
Travis Meyer's drug parody and put them in
the Muppet Show skit.  The Disney logo in
the bottom left corner makes it all the
more amazing.  Click on Source4, or 'HERE'
 for my copy, to see this great video.
.

Top
Subj:     The Devil's Muse - Puzzle (S510)
          From: BrainJuice on 10/26/2006
 Source: http://www.brainj.net/puzzle.php?id=devil

 It's everybody's fate, but unfortunately for you today it's
 yours.  You die and wander through a long tunnel towards a
 light.  But, wait a second, that's not white light?  It's
 crimson red!

 Indeed, going through the gate at the end you face an enormous
 deity, cloaked in flames, holding a gigantic trident in one
 hand.  On this trident you can make out two bodies speared to
 it... beads of sweat start to form on your forehead, and they
 are not from the heat that's omnipresent in this room.

 "Hahaha", the Devil laughs, "don't be afraid.  You won't
 necessarily end up like them... they're just the souls of
 Mickey and Tung.  They sold them to me in exchange for the
 ability to create awesome websites, or something like that,
 never kept contact with them though...  Now, the fact you
 are here is that this millennium it's my turn to decide who
 goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell.  St. Peter really
 needed that 1000 year vacation, so I'm on duty now.  Since
 I'm the boss, I get to decide who goes where.  And, to be
 completely honest, this 'Good/Bad'behaviour thingy... it's
 a bit outdated, isn't it?  Instead, I would like to read
 some poetry to you."

 And so the Devil starts to recite :

 Evil am I.
 Evil,
 as so to die not sane.

 Menace I lay.
 A stab mocks.
 I revolt.

 No din is still.
 I kidnap and I kill.
 It's sin I don't love.

 Risk combat.
 Say a lie.
 Cane men.

 A stone I do toss!
 Alive,
 I'm alive.

 "Now", the Devil says. "If you can point out the single
 most peculiar thing about this poem to me, I'll let you
 go and you can take that elevator over there... what?..
 yeah yeah, the one with hostesses dressed like poultry
 at its doors... now start thinking, 'cause I ain't got
 all day!".

 Right at that moment you notice that there's still one
 spike unoccupied on Satan's trident...

 What is so special about the Devil's poem?

Top
Subj:     Consultant Picks Between Heaven And Hell (S88, DU)
          From: RobertTompkins on 98-10-06
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/5/2004

 There once was a consultant who lived her whole life without
 ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for.
 In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a
 win-win situation.  One day while walking down the street
 she was tragically hit by a bus and she died.

 Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
 Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven,"
 said St.Peter.  "Before you get settled in though it seems
 we have a problem.  You see, strangely enough, we've never
 once had a consultant make it this far and we're not really
 sure what to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in." said the consultant.

 "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.  What we're
 going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in
 Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to
 spend an eternity in."

 "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
 in Heaven"

 "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
 consultant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to
 hell.  The doors opened and the consultant found herself
 stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
 course.  In the distance was a country club and standing
 in front of her were all her friends - fellow consultants
 that she had worked with and they were all dressed in
 evening gowns and cheering for her.  They ran up and
 kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
 They played an excellent round of golf and at night went
 to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak
 and lobster dinner.

 She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy
 (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and
 dancing.  The consultant was having good time that before
 she knew it, it was time to leave.  Everybody shook her
 hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.  The
 elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
 Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

 "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."  So the
 consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on
 clouds and playing the harp and singing.

 She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours
 were up and St. Peter came and got her.

 "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day
 in heaven.  Now you must choose your eternity."

 The consultant paused for a second and then replied,
 "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has
 been really great and all, but I think I had a better
 time in Hell."

 So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the
 consultant went down-down-down back to Hell.  When the
 doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing
 in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
 She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking
 up the garbage and putting it in sacks.  The Devil came
 up to her and put his arm around her.

 "I don't understand," stammered the consultant, "Yesterday
 I was here and there was a golf course and a country club
 and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.
 Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends
 look miserable."

 The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because
 yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

Top
Subj:    Frank And Ernest Cartoon (DU)
          By Bob Thaves
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 12/16/2008
 Source: http://comics.com/affiliate/washington_post/?ComicID=31

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute cartoon.

Top
Subj:     Saddam Goes To Hell (S346b, DU)
          From: DoctorDebt on 9/19/2003

 One day, Saddam Hussein's heart stops and he dies.  He
 immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for
 him.  "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You
 are on my list, but I have no room for you.  You definitely
 have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
 I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
 I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
 I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

 Saddam thought that sounded good and he agreed.  The devil
 opened the first room; in it was Ted Kennedy and a large
 pool of water.  He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed
 -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

 No," Saddam said. "I don't think so.  I'm not a good swimmer
 and I don't think I could do that all day long."  The devil
 led him to the next room; in it was Charlie Manson with a
 sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.  All he did was swing
 that hammer, time after time after! time.  "No, I've got this
 problem with my shoulder.  I would be in constant agony if
 all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Saddam.
 The devil opened a third door. In it, Saddam saw Bill Clinton,
 lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his
 legs staked in a spread eagle pose.  Bent over him was Monica
 Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 Saddam looked at this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah,
 I can handle this."

 The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Top
Subj:     Pope, Graham, And Roberts Die (S327b, DU)
          From: RFSlick on 3/31/2003

 The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way
 plane crash over the Pacific Ocean.  They all died and went
 to heaven together.  "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St.
 Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this
 is one of those rare coincidences that just happen.

 Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters simply aren't
 ready.  We can't take you in and we can't send you back."
 Then he got an idea.  He picked up the phone.  "Satan, this
 is Pete.  Hey, I got these three guys up here.  They're ours,
 but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up
 for 'em.  I was hoping you could put them up for a while.
 It'll only be for a few days. What do you say?"

 Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

 However, two days later, St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this
 Satan.  Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.  This
 Pope fellow is forgiving everybody.  The Graham guy is
 saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough
 money to buy air conditioning.

Top
Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon (DU)
          By Wiley Miller
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 8/6/2009
 Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/nq/

 Click 'HERE' to see this cartoon about lawyers in hell.

Top
Subj:     On Your Head In Hell (DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/14/98

 A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three
 doors.  Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news.
 The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one
 of these doors.  The good news is that you can take a peek
 behind each and take your choice."

 The man opened the first door and saw a room full of people,
 standing on their heads on a concrete floor.  Not very nice,
 he thought.

 Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people
 standing on their heads on a wooden floor.  Better, he
 thought, but best to check the last door.

 Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people,
 standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

 "Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in
 to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

 A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head
 in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

Top
Subj:     Heaven Is Hotter Than Hell (S63, DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/14/98

 The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately
 computed.  Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the
 light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the
 light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven
 days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
 radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49)
 times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times
 in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000
 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that.

 The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point
 where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat
 received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
 heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann
 law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
 temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).

 The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ...
 [However] Revelation 21:8 says "But the fearful, and
 unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
 burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten
 brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below
 the boiling point, 444.6C.  We have, then, that Heaven, at
 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

Top
Subj:     Hell Sign (S404b)
          From: JokesUncut on 6/26/2004
 Source: http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/signs/2.htm
 

 Does this mean that the...
 Buffalo Bills have won the Super Bowl?
 Chicago Cubs have won the World Series?
 The sign is at the entrance to Hell, Michigan.

Top
Subj:     Three Guys In Hell (DU)

 (Also see 'Don't Hit The Duck' in HEAVEN2
   and see 'Three Men And Cindy Crawford At Pearly Gates' in HEAVEN1
   and see 'Going To Heaven After Cheating On Your Taxes' in TAXES)

 Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl,
 Bob, and Brett.  They were a little confused at their present
 situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall
 open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they
 had ever seen.  She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her
 even over the Brimstone.

 The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned!
 You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with
 this woman!"  Brett was whisked through the door by a group
 of lesser demons to his torment.

 This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both
 jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more
 disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong.  She was over 7'
 tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies
 circled her.

 The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned!
 You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with
 this woman!"  Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

 Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the
 worst when the third door opened.  As the third door inched
 open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
 Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this
 beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.
 Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

 "Cindy, you have sinned ........"

Top
Subj:     Three Guys In Hell Ver. 2 (S207, DU)
          From: gheckman on 1/14/2001

 These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell.
 When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their
 sin was.  The first guy says "It's gotta be the booze.  I'm
 always drunk."

 The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with
 nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of.

 The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah!  Look at all this alcohol!" and
 runs into the room.

 The second guy says, "It's the women.  I could never stay
 faithful to my wife."

 The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-
 looking naked women that you have ever seen.  And he would be
 the only guy in there for 100 years.  He couldn't believe it.
 His dick was instantly hard and he went hauling ass into the
 room and the Devil shut the door.

 The third man said "It's gotta be the bud.   I'm always tokin'
 up."

 The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields
 of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke,
 chronic, green, death bud.  The stoner can't believe it.  He
 goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the
 door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.

 One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on
 the three men.

 He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out.  He's
 got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't
 shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke,
 shit and piss.  "I'll never drink again!" he says.

 The devil tells him that at least he learned something and
 decides to give him a second shot at life.

 The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running
 out even faster than when he went in.  "I'm gay!" he screams.

 The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his
 wife and gives him another chance as well.

 The devil then comes to the third door.  He opens it and
 nothing has changed.  The stoner is still sitting in the same
 position that he was 100 years ago.

 The devil asks him if he learned anything.

 The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek.

 "You got a light man?"

Top
Subj:     Engineer Goes To Hell (S230, DU)
          From: V-lewis on 97-04-29
      and From: CHRISDADDYG on 6/25/2001

 An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter
 checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --
 you're in the wrong place."

 So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
 Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level
 of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
 improvements.  After a while, they've got air conditioning
 and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
 pretty popular guy.

 One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
 sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"  Satan
 replies, "Hey, things are going great.  We've got air
 conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's
 no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

 God replies, "What???  You've got an engineer?  That's a
 mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him
 up here.   All we have are architects.  Everything looks
 pretty, but nothing works."

 Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff,
 and I'm keeping him."  God says, "Send him back up here or
 I'll sue."  Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah,
 right.  And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Top
Subj:     Herman Cartoon (S868)
          By Jim Unger
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 3/12/2013
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/herman/2013/08/28
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Top
Subj:     Farmer Goes To Hell And Likes It (S20, DU)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-09
         (Also see "Biker Goes To Hell And Likes It" in this file)

 A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there, the Devil
 notices that the farmer is not suffering like the rest.  He
 checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80%
 humidity.  So he goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so
 happy.

 The farmer says "I like it here. The temperature is just like
 plowing my fields in June."  The Devil isn't happy with the
 farmer's answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and
 turns up the temperature to 100 degrees  and the humidity to
 90%.

 After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer.
 He finds him standing around just as happy as can be.  The
 Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy.  The
 farmer says "This is even better.  It's like pulling weeds
 in the fields during July."

 The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer.
 He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120
 degrees and the humidity to 100%.  "Now lets see what the
 farmer is up to." So he goes looking for the farmer.  He finds
 him sitting on the floor even happier than before.

 The Devil can't figure it out.  He asks the farmer why he's
 happy now.  The farmer replies, "This is great, it's just like
 working in the silo with my friends in August."

 The Devil says, "That's it. I'm going to get this farmer."  He
 goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing -5
 degrees and no humidity. "Let's see what the farmer has to say
 about this."

 The Devil looks around, and finally finds the farmer...jumping
 up and down for joy and yelling, "THE CUBS HAVE FINALLY WON THE
 WORLD SERIES!"

Top
Subj:     Biker Goes To Hell And Likes It (S52, DU)
          From: Micheal.Janniro on 98-01-26
          (Also see "Farmer Goes To Hell And Likes It'
            and see "Cajun In Hell" in this file)

 Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the
 icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat
 lying in the middle of the road.  The biker thinks to him-
 self, "I'll cut that cat in two"' and he bears down on it
 hard.  As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's
 not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road.
 Too late! His front wheel plows into it and he's sent
 flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.  Well,
 when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new
 arrivals but the Devil himself.

 As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks mockingly,
 "So, how do you like it here?"

 The bad-ass biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

 The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so
 he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch.

 The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So,
 how do you like it now?"

 Still the bad-ass biker responds by  saying, "This is great!
 Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot
 afternoons in August."

 Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the
 heat up as far as it can go.  The next day, Hell is as hot
 as it gets.

 The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it.  Undaunted,
 the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat
 and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love
 it!"

 Now the Devil is just plain pissed, so he turns the
 thermostat all the way down.  The next morning, he finds
 the biker again and asks,

 "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

 With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker
 inquires,

 "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally
 w-w-win the Super Bowl?"

Top
Subj:     Short Hell Jokes

Top
Subj:     Where Are We Going? (S451)
          From: Anon Jr. on 9/10/2005
 Sources:
 http://www.northernsun.com/images/thumb/5858WhereAreWeGoing.jpg
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From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/6/2002 (S267c)
 "Maybe there is no actual place called hell.  Maybe hell
 is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe
 through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
   -- Jim Carrey

From: LABLaughs.com on 8/31/2002 (S291b)
 Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
   -- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

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..............................From Smiley_Central
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