Subj:     Catholic Jokes
                 (Includes 26 jokes and articles, 30 1037,5,cf,vXT4,3)

Cup, Cross, ? Bread from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Catholic Cartoon (DU)
.........................Dave Allen On Being Catholic - Video (S1037)
.........................A Drunk Enters The Confessional (S59, S678)
.........................Heaven, Be Quiet Passing Room 8 (S148)
.........................The Blonde Who Married A Catholic (S643c)
.........................Sistine Chapel -- Virtual Tour (S739)
.........................Mary's Husband Dies (S61, S370)
.........................Murphy Tries To Steal A Hat At Mass (S410)
.........................Kerry Contributes To Catholic Church (S393)
.........................Virgin Mary Comes Alive Prank - Video (S819d)
.........................Mother Teresa's Favorites (S386)
.........................Catholic Dictionary (S350b)
.........................Catholic Ladies Discuss Their Sons (S211, S599b)
.........................Sunday Clothes - Web Page (S735)
.........................Maria Dies After Her Two Husbands (S115)
.........................Dying Man Asks For Priest (S78, S766)
.........................Woman Tries To Attend Mass Without Head Cover (DU)
.........................A Question For Mary (S353)
.........................Bats In The Church Belfry
.........................Michelangelo And The Old Woman
.........................Clinton And The Pope Die On The Same Day
.........................Short Catholic Jokes
..............................Glass Confessionals In England (S244b)

Also see BIRD-PARROTS - 'Swearing Parrot Meets Christian Parrots'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde Wants To Cross The Street'
         CHURCH file  - 'Two Bad Boys'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Are You Kathlick?'
         DOG1 file    - 'Mass For A Dead Dog'
         DOG2 file    - 'Fundamentalist Couple Buy A Dog'
         EBONICS file - 'The Ebonic Hail Mary'
         GOD1 file    - 'God Quotation'
.........GOD2 file    - 'Woman Calls God From Hell'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'The Hospital Bill'
         HOOKER2 file - 'Vet's Mother Donates Money To Church'
         HORSES file  - 'Catholic Horses'
         IRISH2 file  - 'Irish Girl Sends Money To Parents'
         JEWISH1 file - 'Converting To Catholicism And Eating Steak'
......................-'Mrs. Goldstein Vacations In Miami'
         LATIN file   - 'Helpful Little Known Latin Phrases'
         LETTERS2 file- 'Little Bobby Writes A Letter To God'
         POPE file    - 'Colonel Sanders Visits The Pope'
......................- 'The Pope Is Challenged To A Golf Match'
......................- 'American Has Audience With Pope'
         PRIEST1 file - 'Vagas Churches'
......................- 'Bob Hope's Wife And The Priests'
         PRIEST2 file - 'Priest And Young Boy Talk About His Collar'
         QUOT-COMED-S2- 'Father Guido Sarducci's Life Is A Job' - Movie
.........RELIGION1    - 'Bible Study Group'
......................- 'PMS In The Bible'
         RELIGION2    - 'Who Was Jesus' Mother'
         SCHOOL1 file - 'Old-Fashioned Catholic Discipline'
Subj:     Catholic Cartoon (DU)
          From: Just for Laughs on 11/30/2016
 Source: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/
Subj:     Dave Allen On Being Catholic (S1037d)
          From: Claudia Rook on 11/30/2016

 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/qj6XAvuRn4Q

 Click 'HERE' to see legendary Dave Allen talk about his
 first encounter with God, as well as the Catholic Church.
Subj:     A Drunk Enters The Confessional (S59, S678)
          From: DoctorDebt on 2/18/2004
      and From: AFine963 on 1/10/2010

 A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow
 he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and
 into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally
 making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

 A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and
 figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded
 to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was
 rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

 Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

 "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition.
 "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

Subj:     Heaven, Be Quiet Passing Room 8 (S148)
          From: gheckman on 12/01/1999

 A man arrives at the gates of heaven.
 St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
 The man says, "Episcopalian."
 St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24.
    But be very quiet as you pass room 8."

 Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.
 St. Peter: "Religion"?
 Man: "Baptist."
 St. Peter: "Go to room 18.  But be very quiet as you pass
    room 8."

 A third man arrives at the gates.
 St. Peter: "Religion?"
 Man: "Jewish."
 St. Peter: "Go to room 11.  But be very quiet as you pass
    room 8."

 The man asks, "I can understand there being different rooms
 for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass
 room 8?"

 St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in room 8,
 and they think they're the only ones here."

Subj:     The Blonde Who Married A Catholic (S643c)
          From: gattica30 on 5/8/2009

 On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy
 nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed,
 only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on
 the couch.  When she asked him why he was apparently not
 going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.

 In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous
 thing I've ever heard!  Who did you lend it to, and for
 how long?'

                           -(o o)-
Subj:     Sistine Chapel -- Virtual Tour (S739d)
          From: ginafm on 3/6/2011
 Source: http://www.vatican.va/various/cappelle/sistina_vr/index.html

 This web page is so amazingly wonderful.  Your mouse controls
 the directions.  You can enlarge/shrink the image using the
 controls on the bottom left of the screen.  If your mouse has
 a mouse wheel, it can be done that way, too.  Go to 'HERE'
 to get a private, 360 degree tour of the Sistine Chapel.

 The source is a larger, better image, and the music is
 awesome. Video download an MP3 file for both copies.

Subj:     Mary's Husband Dies (S61, S370)
          From: DoctorDebt on 2/18/2004

 Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners
 after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
 Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

 "What's bothering  you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.

 "Oh, father, I've got terrible news."  Replied Mary.

 "Well what is it, Mary?"

 "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."

 "Oh, Mary"  said the father, "that's terrible.  Tell me
 Mary, did he have any last requests?"

 "Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.

 "What did he ask, Mary?"

 Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

Subj:     Murphy Tries To Steal A Hat At Mass (S410)
          From: PGM2R4U on 11/21/2004

 (Also see 'Minister Looses His Bike' in PREACHER)

 Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost
 fell down in surprise when he saw him.  Murphy had never
 been seen in church in his life.  After Mass, the priest
 caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you
 decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

 Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father.  A while
 back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really loved that
 hat.  I know that McGlynn had one just like mine and I knew
 that McGlynn came to church every Sunday.  I also knew that
 McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured
 he would leave it in the back of church.  So, I was going
 to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

 The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't
 steal McGlynn's hat.  What changed your mind?"

 Murphy said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
 McGlynn's hat."

 The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked
 about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather
 do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

 Murphy shook his head and said "No, Father, after you
 talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered
 where I left my hat."

Subj:     Kerry Contributes To Catholic Church (S393)
          From: jbcary1 on 8/4/2004

 Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral
 outside Washington as part of his campaign.  Kerry's
 campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to
 him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among
 Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the
 like.  We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of
 $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is
 a saint."  The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and
 agrees to do it.  Kerry shows up, and as the Mass progresses
 the Cardinal begins his homily.  "John Kerry is petty, a
 self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit.  He is a liar, a
 cheat, and a thief.  He is the worst example of a Catholic
 I've ever personally known.  But compared to Ted Kennedy,
 John Kerry is a saint."

Subj:     Virgin Mary Comes Alive Prank (S819d)
          From: tom on 9/20/2012
Picture from YouTube.com
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/-PgsECLKde0

 The Virgin Mary steps on a lit candle scaring everyone
 who didn't expect her to suddenly come alive.  She
 then proceeds to wink at the victims while the always
 gorgeous and sexy nun prays to God and thanks the holy
 spirit for this miracle.  Click 'HERE' to see this
 cute Just For Laughs gag.

Subj:     Mother Teresa's Favorites (S386)
          From: drgolfmd on 6/10/2004

 People are often
 unreasonable and self-centered.
 Forgive them anyway.

 If you are kind,
 people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
 Be kind anyway.

 If you are honest,
 people may cheat you.
 Be honest anyway.

 If you find happiness,
 people may be jealous.
 Be happy anyway.

 The good you do today
 may be forgotten tomorrow.
 Do good anyway.

 Give the world the best you have,
 and it may never be enough.
 Give your best anyway.

 For you see, in the end,
 it is between you and God.
 It never was between you and them anyway.

Subj:     Catholic Dictionary (S350b)
          From: gheckman on 10/10/2003

 AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

 BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

 CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest
        of the congregation to lip-sync.

 HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

 HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves
        higher than that of the congregation's range.

 RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little
        more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

 INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

 JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find
         colleges with good basketball teams.

 JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

 JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

 KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can
          recognize besides gyros and baklava.

 MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't
    covered by an HMO.
 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel
    has always been rough.

 PEW: A medieval torture device still found
 in Catholic churches.

 PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass
          consisting  of altar servers, the celebrant, and
          late parishioners looking for seats.

 RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of
          Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd
          to the parking lot.

 RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they
         actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

 TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given
          by David Letterman.

 USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the
          seating capacity of a pew.

Subj:     Catholic Ladies Discuss Their Sons (S211, S599b)
          From: KMACINTY on 2/15/2001
      and From: ginafm on 7/4/2008

 Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing
 how important their children are.

 The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.  When
 he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.

 The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
 Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'.

 The third Catholic woman says smugly,  "Well, not to put
 yours down, but my son is a cardinal.  Whenever he walks into
 a room, people say Eminence'."

 The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.  The
 first three women give her this subtle "Well"....?  She
 replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, male
 stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say.........

Subj:     Sunday Clothes (S735 in Church-Supp)
          From: tom on 2/9/2011
Drawing from Purzuit.com...
 Source: http://cathapol.blogspot.com/2010/02/

 Click 'HERE' to read this cute joke with drawings.

Subj:     Maria Dies After Her Two Husbands (S115)
          From: RobertTompkins on 4/10/99

 (Also see 'Woman Dies After Three Husbands' in FUNERAL)

 Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17
 children.  Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks
 later, and has 22 children by her next husband.  Then he
 dies. A while later, she dies.

 At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least
 they're finally together."

 A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but
 you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND

 The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Subj:     Dying Man Asks For Priest (S78, S766)
          From: mbucher on 98-07-25
      and From: tom on 9/14/2011

 A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He
 lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers

 "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
 checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any

 "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

 Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least
 eighty years of age.

 "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
 Catholic.  But for fifty years now I'm living behind St.
 Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm
 listening to the Catholic litany.  Maybe I can be of some
 comfort to this man."

 The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to
 where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured
 and says in a solemn voice:

 "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

Subj:     Woman Tries To Attend Mass Without Head Cover (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #165 on 98-07-04

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear
a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.  One Sunday a
lady arrived without her head covering.  The priest informs her
that she cannot enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse
tied to her head.  The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot
allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see.  And your left one isn't bad either, but you still
must wear a blouse to enter this church."

Subj:     A Question For Mary (S353)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/14/98

 A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates being
 greeted by Peter.  Peter informs the man that he can have
 one wish granted as he enters heaven.  The man says his
 wish is to ask the Virgin Mary one question.  Peter looks
 a little stunned but says that it is an easy wish to fulfill.

 He takes the man to Mary and explains what the man wants.
 Mary says that she is honored to grant the man his wish and
 asks what is his question.  The man says that in all the
 images he has seen of Mary, the paintings, sculptures, frescos
 and carvings she always looks so sad.  His question is why
 does she look so sad.

 Mary looks around to see if anyone else is listening and then
 leans over and whispers in the man's ear.  "Well to tell you
 the truth I really wanted a girl."

Subj:     Bats In The Church Belfry
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98

 Three priests were sitting around discussing how things were
 going at their respective parishes.  Priest number one com-
 plains of a terrible bat infestation, and it is soon clear
 that this is something of an epidemic.  After much discussion
 of all matters clerical, the fathers go home for the night.

 After a week or so, they meet again.  Priest1: I tried to get
 rid of my bats this week.  I shot at the buggers with my
 shotgun, but I think I damaged the belfry more than the bats!
 I still have no way of getting rid of them!

 Priest2: I tried another way.  I couldn't bring myself to
 shoot them, after all they are God's creatures, so I went up
 with a big box.  I knocked all the bats into the box with a
 stick and drove out to the forest where I released them.
 But they were back at the church before I was!!

 Priest3: I've solved the problem.  I did much the same thing.
 I had all the bats in the box, but before I released them,
 I baptised and confirmed every one of them, and they have not
 been back since......

Subj:     Michelangelo And The Old Woman
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #180

 Michelangelo is painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
 when he sees an old woman praying the Rosary.  He decides
 to take a break and lies back on the scaffolding so the
 woman can't see him and says in a loud voice, "I am
 Jesus Christ. Listen to me and I will perform miracles."

 The old woman is intent on her beads and does not look up.
 Michelangelo figures that she is hard of hearing, so he
 shouts, "I am Jesus Christ!  Listen to me and I will
 perform miracles!"

 With head bent, the woman continues praying so Michelangelo

 The old woman yells back, "Would you shut the hell up?  I'm
 talking to your mother!"

Subj:     Clinton And The Pope Die On The Same Day
          From: ipkis on 97-07-17

 Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some
 administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the
 Pope gets sent to hell.  The Pope explains the situation to
 the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the
 error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will
 take about 24 hours to make the switch.

 The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell admin-
 istration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven.  On the
 way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.

   Pope:  Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton:  No problem.
   Pope:  Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton:  Why's that?
   Pope:  All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton:  You're a day late.

Subj:     Short Catholic Jokes

Subj:     Glass Confessionals In England (S244b)
          From: jerry on 10/2/2001
 The Catholic Church of England and Wales, to prevent child
 sex abuse, announced that soundproof glass confessionals
 will replace traditional wooden ones so that the priest
 will be visible during the act of contrition.

 This decision was prompted after 21 priests (out of 5,600
 in England) were convicted of child abuse over a four-year
 period.  Additionally, each church must appoint a child
 protection representative and a child protection

 Reuters via Yahoo News 18-Sep-01

From: Puneet385 on 10/5/2002 (S296b)
 Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their
 parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call
 it mass transit  -- Robert Tanner

From: jtgalvan on 5/21/2006 (S487b)
 Protons have mass?  I didn't even
 know they were Catholic.

From: RFSlick on 98-08-25
 I'm Catholic.  My mother and I were unpacking and she found
 my diaphragm.   I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for
 my cat.

 Q: How do you get a Catholic girl to stop screwing you?
 A: Marry her.

 Q: Why has the Virgin Mary always been portrayed as a brunette?
 A: Because, she wouldn't have been a virgin if she was blonde.

                           -(o o)-
.............................Don't fall from the cross GIF from GIFs Rubrik.