Subj:     Priest1 Jokes
                 (Includes 23 jokes and articles, 12 1026n,3,cf,vXT1a,1)

Monk Reads  from
Animated GIF Finder
Includes the following:  Catholic Confession App (DU)
.........................Janitor Hears Confession (S11, S604)
.........................Unfaithful Wife's Son Wants Money (S197, S696)
.........................Altar boy Saying Confession (S21, S857)
.........................Nervous New Priest (S127, DU)
.........................Chanting Monks (DU)
.........................The Priest Has A Baby (S327, DU)
.........................A Priest And A Nun Spend The Night
.........................Priest Hears Confession Using 'Fall' (S131B, S617b)
.........................Priest And The Donkey Race (S492b, S637b)
.........................Las Vegas Churches (S523b)
.........................Priest And The Rabbi Hear Confession (S268b)
.........................A Priest And A Drunk Reading The Paper (S116, S730)
.........................The Absentminded Alter Boy
.........................Two Priests At The Pearly Gate (S194, S520b)
.........................Priest And Hat Check Girl (S551b)
.........................Priest, Bishop and Evangelist Fish
.........................Priest Meets Immigrant On Subway
.........................Two Priests Buy Overcoats (S844)
.........................Monk Learns To Copy Manuscripts (S496c, S684b)
.........................Bob Hope's Wife And The Priests
.........................Three Girls Leaving The Orphanage
.........................Priest Goes Fishing (S138, S645c)

Also see BAR1 file    - 'A Pastor, A Priest and a Rabbi..., - Cartoon
         BAR-SUPP     - 'GuyWalksIntoBar, Sn.1 Ep.7 - Familiar Faces' - Video
......................- 'Rabbi, Priest, And Preacher Go Into A Bar' - Cartoon
         BARBER file  - 'Free Haircuts'
         BIRDS-PARROTS- 'Swearing Parrot Meets Christian Parrots'
         CAMEL file   - 'A Nun, A Priest And A Dead Camel'
         CATHOLIC file- 'Kerry Contributes To Catholic Church'
......................- 'Maria Dies After Her Two Husbands'
......................- 'A Drunk Enters The Confessional'
......................- 'Glass Confessionals In England'
......................- 'Mary's Husband Dies'
         CHURCH file  - 'Two Bad Boys'
         DARWIN_AWRDS1- 'Priest Adelir Antonio' - Photo
         FART file    - 'The Priest Breaks Wind'
         GOLF2 file   - 'The Blind Play Golf'
         HANDICAPPED  - 'The Bishop Needs A Bellringer'
         HEAD/ADS-SUPP- 'Dirt Devil - The Exorcist' - Movie
         HEAD-ADS-SUP2- 'Coke Light Commercial' - Movie
         HOOKER2 file - 'Vet's Mother Donates Money To Church'
         HORSES file  - 'Catholic Horses'
......................- 'Father O'Malley And A Dead Jackass'
         ITALIAN file - 'Italian Jew Confesses WWII Sins'
         JEWISH1 file - 'When Life Begins'
         JEWISH3 file - 'The Taylor' - Movie
         JEWISH-RABBI - 'A Priest And A Rabbi At A Picnic'
......................- 'Converting a Bear'
......................- 'Sex...Work Or Play?'
......................- 'Priest And Rabbi Buy A CAR'
......................- 'Priest, Rabbi, Witchdoctor and A Fly'
......................- 'Priest, Vicar And Rabbi Discuss The Offering'
......................- 'Rabbi And Priest Have Car Accident'
......................- 'Priest And Rabbi On A Train'
         LAWYER1 file - 'Killing Lawyers'
......................- 'Lawyer And A Dying Friend'
         LEPRECHAUN   - 'Golfer Meets Leprechaun'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Marriage In Heaven'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'Sex At The Freezer'
         MATH4b file  - 'Priests And Devils' - Logic Game
         NATIVE AMERCN- 'Priest Teaches Indian English'
         NATIVES file - 'Minister Tries to Convert the Tribe'
         NUNS1 file   - 'Mother Superior Talks To The Girls'
......................- 'Monk Sneeks Into Convent'
......................- 'Nuns Bath Father John'
......................- 'Nun Learns To Say 'OUR' Instead Of 'MY'
         PLANE-SUPP   - 'Priest And A Hair Dryer On A Plane'
         QUOT-COMED-S2- 'Father Guido Sarducci's Life Is A Job' - Movie
         RABBIT file  - 'Paddy And A Priest Go Rabbit Hunting'
         RELIGION1    - 'Rich Kid Buys A Ferrari'
         TAXES file   - 'IRS Calls Father O'Malley'
......................- 'Man Goes To Priest With Business Problems'
         WORD-Jokes1  - 'Nun Spends The Night In A Monastery'

Subj:     Catholic Confession App (DU)
          By Bryant Arnold on 2/6/2011
          From: Cartoon Of The Day
 Source: http://www.cartoonaday.com/catholic-confession-app-for-that/

....The U.S. Catholic Church has blessed a mobile device
....App for Confession. This new phone app is aimed at
....helping Catholics with confession. The APP is $1.99
....and it guides Catholics through the sacrament.
Subj:    Janitor Hears Confession (S11, S604)
         From: DR SWITZER on 97-04-12
     and From: LABLaughs.com on 5/6/2003

 In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews
 between services when he was approached by the priest.

 The priest asked the  janitor, "Could you go into the
 confessional and listen to confessions for me?  I really
 have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming.
 She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy
 of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her
 10 hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

 Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed.  Just as
 expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started
 her confession.

 "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable.  I have
 given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

 Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this
 situation.  Surely 10 hail Mary's would not do.  So, in
 a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out
 of the confessional and asked an alter boy, "Son, what
 does the priest give for oral sex?"

 In reply the alter boy said, "Two Snickers and a Coke."

Subj:     Unfaithful Wife's Son Wants Money (S197, S696)
          From: RFSlick on 11/06/2000
      and From: allenbergman on 5/22/2010

 A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is
 at work.  Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so
 she puts her son in the closet and shuts the door.

 Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the
 closet, with the little boy.

 Boy - "Dark in here."
 Man - "Yes, it is."
 Boy - "I have a baseball."
 Man - "That's nice."
 Boy - "Want to buy it."
 Man - "No, thanks."
 Boy - "My dad's outside."
 Man - "OK, how much?"
 Boy - "$150.00"

 In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and
 the lover are again in the closet together.

 Boy - "Dark in here."
 Man - "Yes, it is."
 Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

 The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"
 Boy - "$350.00"
 Man - "Fine."

 A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
 glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

 Boy - "I can't, I sold them."
 Father - "How much did you sell them for?"
 Boy - "$500.00"

 Father - "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
 that.  That's way more than those two things cost.  I'm going
 to take you to church and make you confess."

 They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in
 the confessional booth and he closes the door.

 Boy - "Dark in here."
 Priest - "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now.'

Subj:     Altar Boy Saying Confession (S21, S857)
..........From: Imogenelumen on 7/24/2003
      and From: AFine963 on 6/11/2013

 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
 I have been with a loose girl . . .'

 The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'

 'Yes, Father, it is.'

 'And who was the girl you were with?'

 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

 "Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner,
 or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

 'I cannot say.'

 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

 'I'll never tell.'

 'Was it Nina Capelli?'

 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

 'My lips are sealed.'

 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

 The priest sighs in frustration.
 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
 But you've sinned and have to atone.
 You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
 Now you go and behave yourself.'

 Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco
 slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Subj:     Nervous New Priest (S127, DU)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/1/99

 The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could
 hardly speak.  Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked
 the Monsignor how he could relax.  The Monsignor said, "Next
 week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher.
 After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

 The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice
 and was able to talk up a storm and did just great.  Upon
 returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the

  1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to
     as "Big  Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
  7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
  8. We do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles
     as "J.C. and the boys."
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
     don't say he was stoned off his ass.
 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
 11. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub,
     thanks for the grub, Yo God!"
 12. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
     this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
 13. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters,
     not a peter  pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 14. Last, but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary,"
    not "Mary with the Cherry."

Subj:     Chanting Monks (DU)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-03-26

 A certain monastery was home to monks who had vowed, not the
 usual vow of silence, but one of plainchant.  They communicated
 only in Gregorian tones.

 Each morning, they assembled in the chapel and the Abbot would
 chant "Good morning assembled brethren."

 And the monks would dutifully reply "Good morning, Father Abbot."

 One morning, an irreverent reverend (a mocking monk) instead
 chanted "Good evening, Father Abbot".

 The Abbot fixed them all with a steely-eyed gaze... and sang
 in response "Someone chanted evening!"

Subj:     The Priest Has A Baby (S327, DU)
          From: Playboy January 1997
      and From: JokesUncut on 4/29/2003

 The physician adamantly refused to perform an abortion.
 "But when the time comes," he told the pregnant teenager,
 "I'll deliver the baby and pass it off to a woman who's
 having a baby at the same time and tell her she had twins."

 But at the crucial moment, there were no available female
 patients to pass the baby.  In fact, there was only one
 patient - a priest.  The doctot, undaunted, decided to
 proceed with his plan.  When the cleric awakened from the
 anesthetic, he was told that by some miracle he'd delivered
 a baby boy.  "That was the cause of your stomach pains,"
 the physician explained.

 The priest was overjoyed at this divine intervention and
 raised the boy as his own.

 Many years later, as the priest lay on his deathbed, he
 drew the young man to him and explained his miraculous
 delivery.  "So you see, son," the priest confessed, "I'm
 not really your father, I'm your mother.  The bishop is
 your father."

Subj:     A Priest And A Nun Spend The Night

 (See 'Couple Shares Sleeping Room On Train' in TRAIN)

 A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention
 when their car breaks down.  They are unable to get repairs
 completed and it appears that they will have to spend the
 night in a motel.

 The only motel in this town has only one room available so
 they have a minor problem.

 Priest:  Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem,
 under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in
 this one room.  I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

 Sister:  I think that would be okay.

 They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place
 in the room.

 Ten minutes later...

 Sister:  Father, I'm terribly cold.

 Priest:  Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

 Ten minutes later...

 Sister:  Father, I'm still terribly cold.

 Priest:  Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

 Ten minutes later...

 Sister:  Father, I'm still terribly cold.  I don't think
      the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just
      for this one night.

 Priest:  You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

Subj:     Priest Hears Confession Using 'Fall'(S131B, S617b)

 A new priest in an Italian town is hearing confession for the
 first time.  One lady enmters and confesses, "I cheat with
 Antonio, I cheat with Luchiano."  He gives her penance and
 she leaves.  The next woman enters and confesses, "I cheat
 with Antonio, I cheat with Luchiano."  The next woman to
 confess says the same thing.  Finally the priest gets tired
 of hearing this and says.  "I no like this, this cheat, cheat,
 cheat.  Tell the women of the town from now on, no cheat,
 fall.  'I fall with Antonio, I fall with Luchiano.' "From that
 day forward, all the women used 'fall' instead of 'cheat' when
 they were in the confessional.

    After a few years, the priest left and a new priest came to
 the parish.  The new priest did not know that the women used
 'fall' instead of 'cheat'.  After hearing confession for three
 weeks, the priest went to the mayor of the town.

 "Mayor, I think you should do something about the sidewalks in
 the town, cause in confession, they all say they fall; there's
 people falling all over the place."

 The mayor knew about the 'fall'-'cheat' thing so he assured the
 new priest, "Don't worry about it, it's really no problem at all."

 "Sir, you SHOULD be worried about it," replied the priest, "Your
 wife fell four times this week!"

Subj:     Priest And The Donkey Race (S492b, S637b)
          From: jtgalvan on 6/23/2006
      and From: ginafm on 2/23/2009

 A priest wanted to raise money for his church, and being
 told there was money in horse racing, decided to purchase
 a horse to enter in the races.  However, at the local
 auction, the price of horses was so steep that he ended
 up with a donkey instead.  He figured that since he
 bought it, he might as well enter it in the races anyway.

 To his surprise, the donkey placed third in his first
 race.  The next day the racing sheet carried the head-
 lines "Priest's Ass Shows".  The priest was pleased
 with the donkey and entered it in another race.  This
 time, the donkey won.  The next day, the racing sheet
 read "Priest's Ass Out Front".

 The Bishop was very upset with this kind of publicity,
 so he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in
 any more races.  The paper read "Bishop Scratches
 Priest's Ass".  This was too much for the Bishop, so
 he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey.

 The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby convent
 and the headlines read "Nun Has Best Ass In Town".  The
 Bishop fainted.  He informed the nun that she would
 have to get rid of the donkey.  She sold it to a farmer
 for $10. The next day the paper read "Nun Peddles Ass
 For Ten Bucks".

 The Bishop felt a heart attack was coming for sure, so
 he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it
 to the plains where it could run wild.  The next day
 the headlines read:  "Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild
 And Free!"

 The Bishop was buried the next day.

 Moral of the story?  Being concerned about public opinion
 can bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your
 life.  So, be yourself and enjoy life... stop worrying
 about everyone else's ass, and you'll live longer and be
 a lot happier!

Subj:     Las Vegas Churches (S523b)
          From: edapsmas on 1/23/2007

 This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in
 Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
 Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will
 give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

 Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches
 have devised a method to collect the offerings.  The churches
 send their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery
 for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of
 origin and cashed in.
 This is done by the Chip Monks! :)

 You didn't even see it coming did you?

Chipmunk drawing
from ScarySquirrel.org

Subj:     Priest And The Rabbi Hear Confession (S268b)
          From: thebartend on 3/21/2002

 A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the
 priest about confession.  "I have an idea," said the priest.
 Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession
 booth and hear it for yourself?  No one will ever know."

 A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for
 I have sinned."

 The priest asked, "What did you do?"

 "I cheated on my husband."

 "How many times?"

 "Three times."
 "Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars
  in the offering box."

 Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have
 sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?"

 "I cheated on my husband."

 "How many times?"

 "Three times."

 Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars
 in the offering box."

 Then the priest said to the rabbi, "Would you like to do
 the next confession?"

 The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead.
 It's easy."  So another woman came in and said, "Bless me
 Father for I have sinned."  This time the rabbi asked, "What
 did you do?"

 "I cheated on my husband."

 "How many times?"

 The woman said, "Twice."

 Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again.  They're 3 for
 5 dollars today."

Subj:     A Priest And A Drunk Reading The Paper (S116, S730)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: satam3 on 1/9/2011

 A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway
 seat next to a priest.  The man's tie was stained, his
 face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty
 bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

 He opened his newspaper and began reading.  After a few
 minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
 "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

 "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
 wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your
 fellow man."

 "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to
 his paper.

 The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
 man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come
 on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?"

 "I don't have it, Father.  I was just reading here that
 the Pope does."

Subj:     The Absentminded Alter Boy

 Renfrew was the most absentminded altar boy Father O'Malley
 had ever seen. But Renfrew meant well, and the clergymen
 decided to give him one more chance to prove himself.

 "At mass tomorrow, I will come to a point where you'll hear
 me sing 'And God's angels lit the candles.'  When I say that,
 you're to light the candles in the back of the church.  Is
 that understood?"  Renfrew said it was, and that night both
 the priest and Renfrew prayed for his success.

 The next day Father O'Malley conducted mass in front of a
 full congregation.  At last his rich baritone sang out,
 "And God's angels lit the candles!"

 Nothing happened and he said again, "And God's angels lit
 the candles!"

 Still the candles remained unlit, and once more he boomed,
 "And God's angels lit the candles!"

 From behind the last pew Renfrew's small voice carried
 across the room. "And your dog pissed on the matches!"

Subj:     Two Priests At The Pearly Gate (S194, S520b)
          From: RFSlick on 10/20/2000
      and From: roybarron on 1/7/2007

 Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
 Pearly Gates.  St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in
 now, but our computer's down.  You'll have to go back to Earth
 for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it

 The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
 soaring above the Rocky mountains."

 "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

 The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will
 any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

 "No, I told you the computer's down.  There's no way we can
 keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

 "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted
 to be a stud."

 "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

 A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St.
 Peter to recal the two priests.  "Will you have any trouble
 locating them?" he asks.

 "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's some-
 where over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.  But the
 second one could prove to be more difficult."

 "Why?" asketh the Lord.

 St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North

Subj:     Priest And Hat Check Girl (S551b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/11/2007

 There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel
 and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
 After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped
 him and reminded him he was a holy man.

 "It's okay," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

 So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl
 asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

 The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the
 first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check
 girl puts out!"

Subj:     The Priest, The Bishop And The Evangelist Fish

 A Mormon bishop, a Catholic priest, and a TV evangelist were
 fishing from a boat in the middle of a small lake.  The
 priest realized that he'd left his tackle box in his car,
 and, not wanting to disturb the other two, got out of the
 boat and walked over the water to the shore, got his gear,
 walked back, and started fishing.

 An hour or so passed, and the bishop began to feel a little
 hungry.  His lunch was back in his car, though. . . . So, he
 got out of the boat, walked over the water, got his lunch,
 came back, and nibbled on his sandwich.

 The evangelist, not to be outdone, decided that he'd best go
 for a walk, too.  He mumbled something about going to the
 bathroom, stood up, stepped over the side of the boat . . .
 and splashed into the lake.

 The priest, chuckling, said to the bishop, "Think we should
 have told him about those submerged rocks?".  Said the bishop,
 "what rocks??"

Subj:     Priest Meets Immigrant On Subway
          From: ipkis on 97-06-11

 An old man from a far off land was on the subway in New York.
 He sat down next to a younger man and noticed that the man
 had a strange kind of shirt collar.  Having never seen a
 priest  before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do
 you have your shirt collar on backwards?"  The priest became
 a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar
 because I am a Father".

 The old man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a
 father but I wear my collar front-ways.  Why do you wear your
 collar so differently?"

 The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father
 for many".

 The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many.  I
 have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to
 count.  But I wear my collar like everyone else does.  Why do
 you wear it your way?"

 The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and
 then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and
 hundreds of people."

 The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and
 was silent for a long time.  As he got up to leave the subway
 train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe
 you should wear your pants backwards."

Subj:     Two Priests Buy Overcoats (S844)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-11

 (Also see "The Taylor" in Jewish3)

 It's an unseasonably cold day in Dallas.  Two priests who
 are visiting town for a convention are walking and since
 they did not bring overcoats, they decide to buy a couple.
 They go into Nieman-Marcus and ask the clerk for two black
 overcoats. The clerk explains that it's the off season for
 overcoats, but he'll take a look.  All he can find are two
 navy blue coats of the proper size.

 He tells his manager and the manager says, "Hell, sell them
 the blue coats. On a day like this, they won't be able to
 tell the difference." The clerk does.

 The priests are walking again and looking at their new coats.
 The coats just don't seem to look right.  They pass two nuns
 and one of the priests asks a nun to hold up the sleeve of
 her black habit so he can compare the color.  She does.

 As the nuns are walking away, one of them says to the other,
 "Isn't it nice to hear a priest speak Latin in this modern
 age.  I wish I knew what he said."  The other nun asked her
 what it sounded like.  The first nun replied, "It sounded
 like he said, 'Nieman Marcus fuctus".

Subj:     Monk Learns To Copy Manuscripts (S496c, S684b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 7/27/2006
      and From: lubin100 on 2/21/2010
 Drawing from Lingua Franca
Click 'HERE' to read this cute joke.
Subj:     Bob Hope's Wife And The Priests
          Compiled by Max Weinstein on 11/15/94

 Comedian Bob Hope was at the airport recently to meet his
 wife, Dolores, who was flying in after doing some charity
 work for the Catholic Church.  When her private plane pulled
 in, they put the steps down.  The first two people off the
 plane were Catholic priests, then came Dolores, and then
 came four more Catholic priests.  Hope nudged a friend and
 said, "I don't know why she just doesn't buy insurance like
 everybody else."

Subj:     Three Girls Leaving The Orphanage
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172

 Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.
 One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who
 were about to leave and seek their way in life.

 "You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into
 an extremely sinful world." she said.  "I must warn you that
 men will take advantage of you.  They'll do anything to get
 their way.  They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks
 and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where
 they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or
 thirty dollars and kick you out."

 "Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked.  "You mean men
 will take advantage of us and give us cash?"

 "Yes child, why do you ask?"

 "Because the priests only give us candy!"

Subj:     Priest Goes Fishing (S138, S645c)
          From: vcarlew on 97-09-13
      and From: darrellvip on 5/20/2009

 A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his
 church.  He looks around and finally stops to watch a
 fisherman load his boat.  The fisherman notices, and
 asks the priest if he would like to join him for a
 couple of hours.  The priest agrees.

 The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before,
 to which the priest says no.  He baits the hook for him
 and says, "Give it a shot father".  After a few minutes,
 the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in
 the boat.

 The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

 Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

 Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's
            what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"

 Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

 After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the rectory
 and spots the Friar.  Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch
 I caught!"

 Friar: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house
         of God."

 Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is
          called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

 Friar: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and
         we could have it for dinner."

 So the Friar takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to
 Mother Superior at the convent.  Friar: "Mother Superior
 could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

 Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

 Friar: "No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonof-
         abitch!  Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like
        you to cook it."

 Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

 Well, the new Bishop stops by for dinner with the three of them,
 and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

 Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

 Friar: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

 Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

 The new Bishop stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze,
 but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and
 says, "You know, you fuckers are all right".

                           -(o o)-
...........................Priest from Animation Library