Priest1

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Subj: Priest1 Jokes (Gz-m3)
(Includes 22 jokes and articles)

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews
between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the
confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really
have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming.
She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy
of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her
10 hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as
expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started
her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have
given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this
situation. Surely 10 hail Mary's would not do. So, in
a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out
of the confessional and asked an alter boy, "Son, what
does the priest give for oral sex?"

In reply the alter boy said, "Two Snickers and a Coke."

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Subj:     Unfaithful Wife's Son Wants Money (S197, S512)
          From: RFSlick on 11/06/2000
      and From: drgolfmd on 11/9/2006

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is
at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so
she puts her son in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the
closet, with the little boy.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$25.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and
the lover are again in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$75.00"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

Boy - "I can't, I sold them."
Father - "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$100.00"

Father - "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going
to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confessional booth and he closes the door.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Priest - "Don't start that shit again."

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Subj:     Saying Confession Of Being With A Loose Woman (S21, S608b)
..........From: Imogenelumen on 7/24/2003
      and From: ginafm on 9/2/2008

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me
father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman".

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it's me."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No."

"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

"No father."

"Was it Amy Thomas?"

"No father."

"Was it little Cathy Morgan?"

"NO father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance,
but you must atone for your sins. Your pennace will be four
Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over
and whispers, "What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six
good leads."

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Subj:     Nervous New Priest (S127)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/1/99

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could
hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked
the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next
week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher.
After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice
and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon
returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the
Monsignor.

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to
     as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
8. We do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles
     as "J.C. and the boys."
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
     don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub,
     thanks for the grub, Yo God!"
12. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
     this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
13. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters,
     not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
14. Last, but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary,"
    not "Mary with the Cherry."

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Subj:     Chanting Monks
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-03-26

A certain monastery was home to monks who had vowed, not the
usual vow of silence, but one of plainchant. They communicated
only in Gregorian tones.

Each morning, they assembled in the chapel and the Abbot would
chant "Good morning assembled brethren."

And the monks would dutifully reply "Good morning, Father Abbot."

One morning, an irreverent reverend (a mocking monk) instead
chanted "Good evening, Father Abbot".

The Abbot fixed them all with a steely-eyed gaze... and sang
in response "Someone chanted evening!"

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Subj:     The Priest Has A Baby (S327)
          From: Playboy January 1997
      and From: JokesUncut on 4/29/2003

The physician adamantly refused to perform an abortion.
"But when the time comes," he told the pregnant teenager,
"I'll deliver the baby and pass it off to a woman who's
having a baby at the same time and tell her she had twins."

But at the crucial moment, there were no available female
patients to pass the baby. In fact, there was only one
patient - a priest. The doctot, undaunted, decided to
proceed with his plan. When the cleric awakened from the
anesthetic, he was told that by some miracle he'd delivered
a baby boy. "That was the cause of your stomach pains,"
the physician explained.

The priest was overjoyed at this divine intervention and
raised the boy as his own.

Many years later, as the priest lay on his deathbed, he
drew the young man to him and explained his miraculous
delivery. "So you see, son," the priest confessed, "I'm
not really your father, I'm your mother. The bishop is
your father."

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Subj:     A Priest And A Nun Spend The Night
          (See 'Couple Shares Sleeping Room On Train' in TRAIN)

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention
when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs
completed and it appears that they will have to spend the
night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so
they have a minor problem.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem,
under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in
this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

Sister: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place
in the room.

Ten minutes later...

Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think
the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just
for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.

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Subj:     Priest Hears Confession Using 'Fall'(S131B)

A new priest in an Italian town is hearing confession for the
first time. One lady enmters and confesses, "I cheat with
Antonio, I cheat with Luchiano." He gives her penance and
she leaves. The next woman enters and confesses, "I cheat
with Antonio, I cheat with Luchiano." The next woman to
confess says the same thing. Finally the priest gets tired
of hearing this and says. "I no like this, this cheat, cheat,
cheat. Tell the women of the town from now on, no cheat,
fall. 'I fall with Antonio, I fall with Luchiano.' "From that
day forward, all the women used 'fall' instead of 'cheat' when
they were in the confessional.

After a few years, the priest left and a new priest came to
the parish. The new priest did not know that the women used
'fall' instead of 'cheat'. After hearing confession for three
weeks, the priest went to the mayor of the town.

"Mayor, I think you should do something about the sidewalks in
the town, cause in confession, they all say they fall; there's
people falling all over the place."

The mayor knew about the 'fall'-'cheat' thing so he assured the
new priest, "Don't worry about it, it's really no problem at all."

"Sir, you SHOULD be worried about it," replied the priest, "Your
wife fell four times this week!"

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Subj:     Priest And The Donkey Race (S492b)
          From: jtgalvan on 6/23/2006

A priest wanted to raise money for his church, and being told
there was money in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse to
enter in the races. However, at the local auction, the price of
horses was so steep that he ended up with a donkey instead. He
figured that since he bought it, he might as well enter it in
the races anyway.

To his surprise, the donkey placed third in his first race. The
next day the racing sheet carried the headlines "Priest's Ass
Shows". The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it
in another race. This time, the donkey won. The next day, the
racing sheet read "Priest's Ass Out Front".

The Bishop was very upset with this kind of publicity, so he
ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The paper read "Bishop Scratches Priest's Ass". This was too
much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of
the donkey.

The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby convent and the
headlines read "Nun Has Best Ass In Town". The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey.
She sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read
"Nun Peddles Ass For Ten Bucks". They buried the Bishop the next
day.

Moral of the story? Being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your life.
So, be yourself and enjoy life... stop worrying about everyone
else's ass, and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

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Subj:     Las Vegas Churches (S523b)
          From: edapsmas on 1/23/2007

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in
Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will
give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches
have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches
send their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery
for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of
origin and cashed in.

This is done by the Chip Monks! :)
You didn't even see it coming did you?
Chipmunk drawing
from ScarySquirrel.org

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Subj:     Priest And The Rabbi Hear Confession (S268b)
          From: thebartend on 3/21/2002

A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the
priest about confession. "I have an idea," said the priest.
Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession
booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know."

A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for
I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."

"How many times?"

"Three times."
"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars
in the offering box."

Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have
sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."

"How many times?"

"Three times."

Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars
in the offering box."

Then the priest said to the rabbi, "Would you like to do
the next confession?"

The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead.
It's easy." So another woman came in and said, "Bless me
Father for I have sinned." This time the rabbi asked, "What
did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."

"How many times?"

The woman said, "Twice."

Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for
5 dollars today."

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Subj:     A Priest And A Drunk Reading The Paper (S116, S322)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 6/9/2003

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway
seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his
face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your
fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come
on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does."

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Subj:     The Absentminded Alter Boy

Renfrew was the most absentminded altar boy Father O'Malley
had ever seen. But Renfrew meant well, and the clergymen
decided to give him one more chance to prove himself.

"At mass tomorrow, I will come to a point where you'll hear
me sing 'And God's angels lit the candles.' When I say that,
you're to light the candles in the back of the church. Is
that understood?" Renfrew said it was, and that night both
the priest and Renfrew prayed for his success.

The next day Father O'Malley conducted mass in front of a
full congregation. At last his rich baritone sang out,
"And God's angels lit the candles!"

Nothing happened and he said again, "And God's angels lit
the candles!"

Still the candles remained unlit, and once more he boomed,
"And God's angels lit the candles!"

From behind the last pew Renfrew's small voice carried
across the room. "And your dog pissed on the matches!"

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Subj:     Two Priests At The Pearly Gate (S194, S520b)
          From: RFSlick on 10/20/2000
      and From: roybarron on 1/7/2007

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in
now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth
for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it
be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will
any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted
to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St.
Peter to recal the two priests. "Will you have any trouble
locating them?" he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's some-
where over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the
second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North
Dakota."

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Subj:     Priest And Hat Check Girl (S551b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/11/2007

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel
and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped
him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's okay," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl
asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the
first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check
girl puts out!"

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Subj:     The Priest, The Bishop And The Evangelist Fish

A Mormon bishop, a Catholic priest, and a TV evangelist were
fishing from a boat in the middle of a small lake. The
priest realized that he'd left his tackle box in his car,
and, not wanting to disturb the other two, got out of the
boat and walked over the water to the shore, got his gear,
walked back, and started fishing.

An hour or so passed, and the bishop began to feel a little
hungry. His lunch was back in his car, though. . . . So, he
got out of the boat, walked over the water, got his lunch,
came back, and nibbled on his sandwich.

The evangelist, not to be outdone, decided that he'd best go
for a walk, too. He mumbled something about going to the
bathroom, stood up, stepped over the side of the boat . . .
and splashed into the lake.

The priest, chuckling, said to the bishop, "Think we should
have told him about those submerged rocks?". Said the bishop,
"what rocks??"

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Subj:     Priest Meets Immigrant On Subway
          From: ipkis on 97-06-11

An old man from a far off land was on the subway in New York.
He sat down next to a younger man and noticed that the man
had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a
priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do
you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became
a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar
because I am a Father".

The old man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a
father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your
collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father
for many".

The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I
have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to
count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do
you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and
then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and
hundreds of people."

The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and
was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway
train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe
you should wear your pants backwards."

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Subj:     Two Priests Buy Overcoats
          From: ipkis on 97-06-11

It's an unseasonably cold day in Dallas. Two priests who are
visiting town for a convention are walking and since they did
not bring overcoats, they decide to buy a couple.
They go into Nieman-Marcus and ask the clerk for two black
overcoats. The clerk explains that it's the off season for
overcoats, but he'll take a look. All he can find are two
navy blue coats of the proper size.

He tells his manager and the manager says, "Hell, sell them
the blue coats. On a day like this, they won't be able to tell
the difference." The clerk does.

The priests are walking again and looking at their new coats.
The coats just don't seem to look right. They pass two nuns
and one of the priests asks a nun to hold up the sleeve of
her black habit so he can compare the color. She does.

As the nuns are walking away, one of them says to the other,
"Isn't it nice to hear a priest speak Latin in this modern
age. I wish I knew what he said." The other nun asked her
what it sounded like. The first nun replied, "It sounded
like he said, 'Nieman Marcus fuctus".

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Subj:     Monk Learns To Copy Manuscripts (S496c)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: DoctorDebt on 7/27/2006

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to
helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws
of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from
copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk
goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it
would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a
locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for
him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and
wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R" !" His
forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was. . .
. . . CELEBRATE!!!"

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Subj:     Bob Hope's Wife And The Priests
          Compiled by Max Weinstein on 11/15/94

Comedian Bob Hope was at the airport recently to meet his
wife, Dolores, who was flying in after doing some charity
work for the Catholic Church. When her private plane pulled
in, they put the steps down. The first two people off the
plane were Catholic priests, then came Dolores, and then
came four more Catholic priests. Hope nudged a friend and
said, "I don't know why she just doesn't buy insurance like
everybody else."

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Subj:     Three Girls Leaving The Orphanage
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.
One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who
were about to leave and seek their way in life.

"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into
an extremely sinful world." she said. "I must warn you that
men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get
their way. They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks
and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where
they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or
thirty dollars and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked. "You mean men
will take advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child, why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy!"

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Subj:     Priest Goes Fishing (S138, S339)
          From: vcarlew on 97-09-13
      and From: DoctorDebt on 7/12/2003

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his
church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a
fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and
asks the priest if he would like to join him for a
couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before,
to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him
and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes,
the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in
the boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's
what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the rectory
and spots the Friar. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch
I caught!"

Friar: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house
of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is
called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Friar: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and
we could have it for dinner."

So the Friar takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to
Mother Superior at the convent. Friar: "Mother Superior
could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

Friar: "No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonof-
abitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like
you to cook it."

Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

Well, the new Bishop stops by for dinner with the three of them,
and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Friar: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The new Bishop stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze,
but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and
says, "You know, you fuckers are all right".

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A thoughtful Priest from
Animation Library

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