Subj: Priest3 Jokes
(Includes 36 jokes and articles, 07 1060n,3,cif,wXT5a,1)
Silver Cross from
Subj: Archive Transfer (S412b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/9/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Four Priests Argue (S630b, S1060)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/29/2009
So it seems that these four Priests
had a series of
theological arguments, and three were always in accord
against the fourth.
One day, the odd Priest out,
after the usual "3 to 1,
majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know
in my heart that I am right
and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to
It was a beautiful, sunny day.
As soon as the Priest finished
his prayer, a storm cloud
moved acrossthe sky above the four. It rumbled once and
"A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"
But the other three disagreed,
pointing out that storm
clouds form on hot days.
So the Priest prayed again: "Oh,
God, I need a bigger
sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So
please, God, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared,
rushed toward each
other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning
slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried
the Priest, but his
friends insisted that nothing had happened that could
not be explained by natural causes.
The Priest was getting ready
to ask for a *very big*
sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned
pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming
voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT! "
The Priest put his hands on his
hips, turned to the
other three, andsaid, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other
Priests, "now it's
3 to 2."
Subj: Father's Retirement Dinner (S490, S688b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/15/2006
After twenty-five years in the
same parish, Father O'Malley
was saying his farewells at his retirement dinner. An eminent
member of the congregation - a leading politician - had been
asked to make a presentation and a short speech, but was late
So the priest took it upon himself
to fill the time, and stood
up to the microphone:
"I remember the first confession
I heard here twenty-five
years ago and it worried me as to what sort of place I'd come
to... That first confession remains the worst I've ever heard.
The chap confessed that he'd stolen a TV set from a neighbor
and lied to the police when questioned, successfully blaming
it on a local scallywag. He said that he'd stolen money from
his parents and from his employer; that he'd had affairs with
several of his friends' wives; that he'd taken hard drugs, and
had slept with another woman and given her a disease.
You can imagine what I thought...
However I'm pleased to say
that as the days passed I soon realized that this sad fellow
was a frightful exception and that this parish was indeed a
wonderful place full of kind and decent people..."
At this point the politician
arrived and apologized for being
late, and keen to take the stage, he immediately stepped up to
the microphone and pulled his speech from his pocket:
"I'll always remember when Father
O'Malley first came to our
parish," said the politician, "In fact, I'm pretty certain
that I was the first person in the parish that he heard in
Subj: A Priest Goes To McDonalds (S442)
From: The Joke Station
A priest goes to McDonalds and
orders french fries, coke,
"I'm sorry, we don't have fries, sir," says the clerk.
"Then I'll have a coke and some fries."
"Sir, we do not have fries, we
ran out," says the clerk
The priest spouts, "then I'll have a burger and fries."
The clerk begins to get pissed.
"Sir, who put the butter
in butterfly?" he asks.
The priest replies, "God of course."
"Then who put the hum in hummingbird?"
The priest replies, "God of course."
"Then who put the frigg in fries?"
The priest replies, "There is no frigg in fries."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you..."
Subj: Three Priests Buy Train Tickets (S347)
From: Imogenelumen on 9/21/2003
There were three priests in a
railroad station, all wanting
to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a
very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.
The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they
drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the
window. "Young lady," he began,
"I would like three pickets to titsburg." Where upon he
completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached.
"Young lady, I would like three
tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change
in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady,
I would like three tickets
to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and
dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on
dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St.
Finger's going to shake his peter at you!
Subj: Dinner Honors Priest's 25th Year (S321b)
From: DafterLafter on 3/22/2003
A parish priest was being honored
at a dinner on the
twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the
congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and
give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed
in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few
words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said,
"the seal of the
confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my
first impressions of the parish from the first confession
I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but
when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had
been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap
who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a
television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost
murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled
money from his place of business and had an affair with his
boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I
knew that my people were not all like that, and I had,
indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and
Just as the priest finished his
talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately
began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first
day our parish priest arrived
in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the
honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Subj: The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S730)
by Glenn and Gary McCoy on 1/7/2010
Subj: Priest Helps Boy Ring Doorbell (S311b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/14/2003
A priest is walking down the
street one day when he notices
a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house
across the street. However, the boy is very small and the
doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts
for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street,
walks up behind the
little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's
level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To
which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Subj: Priest Offers Nun A Lift (S305b, S506c)
From: JBCARY1 on 12/5/2002
and From: auntiegah on 9/26/2006
A priest was driving along and
saw a nun on the side of
the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she
She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to
open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look
and nearly got into an accident.
After controlling the car, he
stealthfully slid his
hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and
apologized profusely. He
forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove
his eyes from her leg.
Further on, while switching gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again. The nun repeated, "Father, remember
Once again the priest apologized.
"Sorry sister, but
the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the
nun got out, gave him a
meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival
at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible
and looked up Psalm 129.
It read: "Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find
Moral of the story: Know the
details of your job, or
you might miss a great opportunity!!
Subj: Training The New Priest (S159)
From: RFSlick on 02/14/2000
The new priest is nervous about
hearing confessions, so he
asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new
priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest
asks him to step out of the confessional for a few
The old priest suggests, "Cross
you arms over your chest,
and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try
saying things like, 'I see,
yes, go on,' and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now,
don't you think that's a little better than slapping your
knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
Subj: Two Priests Go On Vacation (S153)
From: smiles on 01/07/2000
Two priests were going to Hawaii
on vacation and decided
that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing
anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed,
they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals,
sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to
the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying
a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead
gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight
towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she
passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father"
- "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of
them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she recognize
them as priests?
The next day they went back to
the store, bought even more
outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them
before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in
their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous
blonde, wearing a string
bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They
were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were
about to pop out of their heads.)
Again, she approached them and
greeted them individually:
"Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started
to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand
it and said. "Just a
minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it,
but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
Subj: Elvis is Back (S147)
From: DVR on 11/26/1999
Father O' Malley has been preaching
at his church in Ireland
for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has
never been married and he is curious as to what an American
endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States
before it is too late.
He hops on the plane bound for
Nevada. He arrives in the
airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone
in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my
God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have
Father looks at her and says,
"Get outta me face. Can't you
see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."
The father moves on to his cab
waiting outside. He hops in
his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take
me to my hotel and step on it."
The cabby turns and says, "Sure
thing sir - Oh my God! It's
Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan!
It's so great to see you!"
"Shut up, you imbecile.
I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and
So, the cabby speeds up to the
hotel. Father O'Malley gets
his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.
"Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!" screams the hotel clerk.
"You are back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved
everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers,
peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,
complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad
Father O' Malley looks at the
hotel clerk and says, "Thank
you... Thank you very much!"
Subj: Short Priest Jokes
Subj: Man Enters Confessional Box (S659b)
From: ginafm on 8/27/2009
A Catholic man enters the Confessional box. He notices on
one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the
other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's
been a very long time since I've been to Confession, but I
must first admit that the Confessional box is much more
inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out.....you're
on my side."
The Priest And Turpentine (S473c)
From: darrell94590 on 2/7/2006
Subj: Priest Consults A Lawyer (S323)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/1/2003
A parish priest was sitting in a lawyer's office, when he
asked, "Is it true that you do not charge members of the
clergy for your services?"
"I'm sorry, Father, but you've
been misinformed," the
lawyer replied. "Those in your profession can look forward
to a reward in the next world. We lawyers, on the other
hand, must take ours in this one."
Subj: Two Priests At The Urnal (S306, S522c)
From: pns on 11/17/2002
and From: darrell94590 on 1/17/2007
Fathers Pietro and Roberto are in a Vatican bathroom using
the urinals. Father Pietro looks at the other priest's
equipment and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on the
shaft of his rather large penis. He looks over and says,
"Father Roberto, I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!"
Father Roberto replies, "It's
working just fine. I'm
down to two butts a day."
Subj: Rabbi, Lawyer, And Priest On A Ship (S276)
From: KMACINTY on 5/15/2002
A rabbi, a lawyer and a priest are all on the same ship.
The ship hits a reef, and begins to rapidly take on
water. It's obvious it's going to sink. As the life-
boats are readied, the rabbi shouts out "Women and
The lawyer yells, "Screw the children!"
And the priest says "Do you think
we have time?"
Subj: Seducing Priests (S254)
From: jerry on 12/10/2001
Women in Malawi are being warned by the Members of the
Catholic Women's Association not to try to seduce priests.
Too many apparently wear stilettos and a lot of make-up to
church and even funerals to try get priests to break their
vows of celibacy.
Subj: Man Confesses To Sex W/Five Women (S198)
From: Joke-of-the-Day on 11/16/2000
Steve went to confession, and told the priest that he had
been with 5 different women the night before, each one
another man's fiancee or wife.
The priest told our man Steve
to go home and squeeze 3 lemons
and 2 limes into a cup of water and drink it.
Steve asked the priest if that would give him absolution.
The priest replied, "No, but
it should wipe that smirky grin
off your face!"
A priest, a Rabbi, and a lawyer
are all on a boat that starts
to sink. The rabbi yells, "Save the children!" The lawyer
yells, "F*ck the children!" The priest says, "Do you think
we have time?"
Three nuns were talking one day.
The first one said "I found
a condom in the priest's office." The second one said " I
cut a hole in it." The third one fainted.
Sitting on a train with a young
curate, the Bishop was
attempting to do the Times crossword.
"Three across," he said out loud. "Exclusively female,
four letters, ends in U-N-T."
"That would be 'Aunt,'" suggested the curate.
"So it would," said the Bishop. "Have you an eraser by
Remember, priests do more than lay people.
Is a priest who dresses up for
a costume party a blessing
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178
A priest and a rabbi are waling down the street and see a
small boy eating an ice cream.
The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Out of what?"
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #223 on 98-01-17
"Father Reilly," the mother superior reported, "I just
thought you should know that there's a case of syphilis
in the convent."
"Oh, good," the priest replied.
"I was really getting
tired of the Chablis."
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/25/2002 (S299b)
The average person thinks he isn't.
-- Father Larry Lorenzoni
Q: "Should I boil the new missionary?"
asked the cannibal?
A: "No" replied the chief, "He's a friar."
Q: Why did the Catholic priest
get in so much trouble?
A: Every afternoon he'd invite an alter boy in for
Q: Why did the priest get aids?
A: He didn't wash his organ between hims.
Q: What do a priest and a christmas
tree have in common?
A: The balls are just for decoration.
Q: What fun does a priest have?
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy!
Q: What's the difference between
a priest and a pimple?
A: A pimple doesn't come on your face until you're fourteen.
Q: What did the bishop do when
the priest admitted
A: He defrocked him.
Q: How are a Christmas tree and
a priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #263 on 98-08-01
Q: What's the difference between acne and
a Catholic Priest?
A: Acne doesn't come on a kid's face until around 13 or
14 years of age