church

.
.

>>>
Subj: Church Jokes
(Includes 38 jokes and articles, 04794,2,cf)

Click "Here" for Church-Supp
Click "Here" for Church-Supp2
.

Also see ANAGRAM file - 'Box Lunch Auction w/Anagram'
         ARTIST file - 'Painting The Last Supper'
         ASCII ART1   - 'ASCII Art Of Christian Fish'
         BLACK2 file - 'Barack Obama Speaks at Dr. King's Church'
         BREAST file - 'Husband Buys Bra For Wife'
         BROTHERS file- 'Trying To Drown Your Younger Brother'
         CARS-SUPP    - 'Son Wants To Borrow The Family Car'
         CATHOLIC     - 'Bats In The Church Belfry'
         COLLEGE2     - 'If College Students Wrote The Bible...:'
         CONDOM file - 'Bowl With A Condom Floating In It'
         CONTRACTOR   - 'Bricklayer's Brother Is A Bishop'
         DOG2 file    - 'Fundamentalist Couple Buy A Dog'
         ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'No Sunday Paper'
         FART file    - 'Silent Fart'
         FOOD_ETC file- 'Dad's Brownies'
         FOOD_ETC2    - 'Who Should Brew The Coffee?'
         FOOD_ETC-SUPP- 'The Bake Sale Cake'
         FUNERAL file - 'Keep Your Fork'
         GOLF file    - 'Jesus And Moses Play Golf'
         HELL file    - 'Satan Goes To Church'
.........KIDS3 file   - 'Bible Fun'
         IRISH2 file - 'Irish Toast Masters' Club'
         JESUS file   - 'Why They Took Jesus To Jerusalem'
......................- 'Honk If You Love Jesus'
         NATIVE file - (see whole file)
         POLICE2 file - 'Stopped While Going To Church'
         PREACHER file- 'Invocation In The Kansas Senate'
......................- 'Sermon On Lying'
         PRIEST1 file - 'Las Vegas Churches'
         REDNECK3 file- 'You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If'
         RELIGION1    - 'Religious Shit'
         RELIGION2    - 'What's It Like Being A Christian?'
......................- 'Three Agnostic Brothers'
         SCHOOL3 file - 'New School Prayer'
         SCHOOL-SUPP - 'Neighbor Follows Tim To School'
         SEX3 file    - '94 Year Old Dies During Sex'
         SHIPS file   - 'Replica of Noah's Ark'
......................- 'If Noah Built The Ark Today....'
         STORIES file - 'Reopening The Brooklyn Church'
============================================================Top
Subj:     Church Football (S319b)
          From: lljknt on 3/4/2003

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during
the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during
worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship
when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or
apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom
or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money
that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the
sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your
children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls
back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the
congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking
to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing
said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback - Option The decision of 50% of the congregation
not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the
closing prayer.

******************

O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest
we will never change our minds.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     How to Get Into Heaven From Ireland (S293b, S736)
          From: mjsl on 9/9/2002
      and From: JOELFALLON and CarFal on 2/16/2011

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to
see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that
get me into heaven?'

NO!' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and
kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all
the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into
heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!’

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKIN' DEAD!"
It's a curious group, the Irish.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Blonde Man Gets Black Eye (S280b)
          From: http://www.twistedhumor.com on 10/9/2000

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye.
When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had
happened. He told them it had happened at church. They
didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really
happened.

So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my
knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns,
there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever
seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being
the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out
for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The
guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was
beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened
and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again
they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to
the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I
stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was
that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her
butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said,
"Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her
crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she
didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Joan, The Town Gossip (S257, S431b)
          From: thebartend on 12/19/2001
      and From: auntiegah on 4/27/2005

Joan, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the
town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's
business. Several local residents were unappreciative of
her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their
silence.

However, she made a mistake when she recently accused
George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw
his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one
afternoon.

George, a dedicated Christian and man of few words, stared
at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a
word.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of
her house and left it there all night. Her gossiping ceased.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The Golden Telephone To Heaven (S248, S579c)
          From: gheckman on 10/27/2001
      and From: fischer-j on 2/20/2008

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to
San Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs
and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read
"$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about
the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this
golden phone is,in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he
pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man
thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin,
Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United
States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the
same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Minnesota. Upon entering a church
in Minneapolis, Minnesota behold, he saw the usual golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I
have been in cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone and have been
told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk
to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a
minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in
Minnesota now, and it's a local call."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Sing Hymns In Church (S318)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 2/19/2003

One Sunday morning, the minister told the congregation that
he was going to say a series of words and he wanted them to
sing the song that came to mind when he said each word.

The first word he said was "rock".
They immediately started singing "Rock Of Ages".

The second word he said was "blood",
and they sang "Power in the Blood".

The third word was "cross",
and they began singing "The Old Rugged Cross".

The fourth word he said was "sex".
Everyone gasped, and then it got very quiet.
'Way in the back of the church, an 87-year-old lady stood
up and started singing "Precious Memories".

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Getting To Pick Three Hymns (S206, S424b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/8/2001
      and From: DoctorDebt on 3/13/2005
          At: http://www.craftonreunion.org/home/id85.html

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation
that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people
to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering
plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to
pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed,
the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly,
saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her
hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful
it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out
three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed
to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll
take him and him and him."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The Bible According To Kids (S178)
          From: gheckman on 6/25/00

The following statements about the Bible were written by
children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e.,
bad spelling has been left in).

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired
of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built
the Ark, which the animals came to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of
fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they
had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by
a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the
ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat
the apple.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit
adultery.".

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told
his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who
lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she
sang the Magna Carta.

Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and
found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
Contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one
to others before they do one to you.

He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat
alone".

It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and
managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12
decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a
taxi man.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the
holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is
called monotony.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Man Without A Hat Goes To Church (S175)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/8/00

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he
decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the
rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon
was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon
and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over
and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I
lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to
preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"

My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you
started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Entrance Exam For Heaven (S158)
          From: smiles on 02/07/2000

From the Off the Church Walls list:

   1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
   2) Which country makes Panama hats?
   3) From which animal do we get catgut?
   4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
   5) What is a camel's hairbrush made of?
   6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
   7) What was King George VI's first name?
   8) What color is a purple finch?
   9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

Answers Below

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
   1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
   2) Ecuador.
   3) From sheep and horses.
   4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
      Or second answer.
      None. The Soviet Union has been closed for business since 1989.
   5) Squirrel fir.
   6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
   7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected
      the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever
      be called Albert.
   8) Distinctively crimson.
   9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Learned From Noah ? The Ark (S122, S326b)
          From: smiles on 6/2/99
      and From: Imogenelumen on 8/20/2004

1. Plan Ahead. It wasn't raining when
     Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years
     old, someone might ask you to do
     something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics--do what
     has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage.
8. The cheetahs were on board,
     but so were the snails.
9. If you can't fight or flee--float!
10. Don't forget that we're all in
     the same boat.
11. Remember that the ark was built
     by amateurs and the Titanic was
     built by professionals.
12. Remember that the woodpeckers
     inside are often a bigger threat
     than the storm on the outside.
13. Don't miss the boat.
14. No matter how bleak it looks,
     there's likely to be a rainbow
     on the other side. Look for it!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top

Subj:     Johnny Stares At Church Plaque (S92, S600)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #259 on 98-10-28
      and From:LABLaughsClean on 7/7/2008 Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked
up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he
said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together
staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The Theology Of Toys
          From: ossama on 98-10-06

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight
        to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.
Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door,   wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from,
        let's just play.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Sick In Church
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #94 on 98-04-16

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw
up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned
so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the
front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Other Boycotts Of The Southern Baptists (S63)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98

15. Christmas carols, for promoting gay apparel
14. The Food Channel, because of repeated use of the terms
     "Beef Tenderloins" and "Chicken Breast"
13. Devils Food Chocolate Birthday Cakes-oh, what the heck, birthdays, too!
12. Richard Simmons, because "There's something
     just not quite right about that man."
11. McDonald's, because "They're Irish."
10. "Poblec Skools"
9. No more Marilyn Manson concerts performed in Disney-owned venues
8. Pink Panther - gay or communist, hard to tell, doesn't matter
7. Warner Brothers for putting a talking,
     naked-from-the-waist-down pig in their cartoons
6. Ben-Gay Ointment
5. Marvin Gaye records
4. The Smithsonian's Homo Erectus exhibit
3. Mentos? The *Devil's* candy!
2. Federal Express - no respectable company says "package" in public

and the Number 1 Other Boycott of the Southern Baptists...
1. The New York Yankees, because George Steinbrenner
is an assho -- Uh, a wretched sinner

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Baptist Revival
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #75 on 98-03-25

Several churches in the South decided to hold revival services.
The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination.

"How many Baptists are here?" he asked on his first night of
the revival.

All except one little lady raised their hands.

"Lady, what are you?" asked the minister.

"I'm a Methodist," meekly replied the lady.

"Why are you a Methodist?"

"Well, my grandparents were Methodists, my mother was a
Methodist, and my late husband was a Methodist."

"Well," retorted the leader, "just supposing all of your relatives
had been morons. What would that have made you?"

"Oh, I see. A Baptist, I suppose."

                            \\\//
                          -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Three Couples Seek Church Membership (S172, S659)
          From: V-lewis on 97-05-15
      and From: tom on 8/25/2009
          (Also see 'Sex at the freezer' in Marriage2
           and see 'Irish Woman Wants Viagra For Her Husband' in DOCTOR-SUPP)

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed
couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have
special requirement for new parishioners. You must abstain
from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came
back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able
to abstain?" The old man replies, "Yes we did!" replied the
husband. "It wasn't even difficult! My wife took up knitting,
and I read a lot, and we never even missed sex."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The
pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you
able to abstain?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second
week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but,
yes, we made it."

The minister congratulated the second couple. "Come on in to
the church!" The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and
asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two
weeks." the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and
dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome
with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome
in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK." Said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway
anymore either.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Falling Asleep During The Sermon (S71, S633)
          From: RFSlick on 98-06-12
      and From: allenbergman on 2/23/2009

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at
his church. "Reverend," he said, " I have a problem-- my
wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have and idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin
with you. I'll be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping,
and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion,
you give her a good poke in the leg with this pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And
who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding
to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband
jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right,
Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister
noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation,
motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones
as she was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again, Mrs.
Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time
the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of
his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as
signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking her
with the hatpin again when the minister asked, "...And
what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that goddamned thing in me
one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your
ass!!!!" The sermon was over.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Two Bad Boys (S495)
          From: jokes on 7/23/2006
      and From: darrellvip on 2/17/2010

This family moves into a new town. They had two little
hellion boys that terrorized the teachers at their previous
school. The nearest school in their new town was a Catholic
school. Well, they weren't Catholic, but they decided to
send their two boys there anyway, hoping perhaps that the
Nuns there would be able to straighten these boys out. The
boys began living up to their name, and terrorized their new
school. One day, the younger of the two gets caught, and
the nun grabs him by the scruff of the neck, and hauls him
down to the head priest.

The head priest sits him down across from his desk. "Satan
is controlling you. He is why you are bad. Don't you know,
that no matter where you are or what you do, that God is
always there, always watching you? God is everywhere. He's
at your home, here at school, where ever you are. He is
there, whether you are naughty, nice, good or bad, he is
always there, watching you!" The priest speaks for 15 minutes,
hoping to get through to the boy.

After he is done with his speech, he asks the boy, "Now, where
is God?"

The boy just shrugs. Again, the priest asks, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy just shrugs. By now, the priest is getting upset,
and points at the boy. "WHERE IS GOD!!??"

The boy looks around: under his chair, around the room. He drops
his head down a little bit and shrugs his shoulders.

The priest was furious by now; he yelled at the boy, "Go home!
Get your mother, and bring her back here with you!"

Well, by this time, school was already out, and all the kids had
gone home, so the boy runs home as fast as he can. When he gets
home, his older brother is outside playing. He runs over to him,
grabs a hold of him.

"Get in the house, we're in big trouble, God's missing, and
they're blaming us!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     PMS In The Bible
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-12

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the
entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the
service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't
believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was
sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman
aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Bethelehem."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Church Signs

Top
Subj: BooBoo's From Church Bulletins (S231b)
From: RFSlick on 6/27/2001

Don't let worry kill you; let the church help.

Thursday night; Potluck supper. Prayer and medication
will follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzar, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.

Thursday at 5 P.M. There will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers,
please see the minister in his study.

At the evening service tonight, the topic will be "What
is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Seen on a church marquee:
   -Let Us Take You To Our Leader.
   -Come In For A Faith Lift.
   -We, Too, Are Open On Sunday.
   -Sometimes The Message Has To Be Blunt For You
       To Get The Point.
   -God Said It...We Believe It...That Settles It.
   -If You Have No Sins...Bring A Friend Who Has.
   -Come early -- if you want a back seat.

Seen on a Church parking lot sign:
   -Unauthorized cars will be spirited away at
       owner's expense.
   -Parking lot for church members only; violators
       will be baptized.

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH
BULLETINS. NO SLURS ARE INTENDED.
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south
    and north ends of the Church. Children will be
    baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream
    social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet.
    Mrs. Johnson will sing: "Put Me in My Little Bed"
    accompanied by the pastor.
4. This being easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson
    to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
5. The services will close with "Little Drops of Water."
    One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest
    will join in.
6. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to
    defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those
    wishing to do something on the new carpet, come
    forward and get a piece of paper.
7. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of
    every kind and they may be seen in the church
    basement on Friday afternoon.
8. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the
    church basement. Music will follow.
9. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce
    the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Reverend
    and Mrs. Jusius Belser.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Chain Letter At Church

I received an interesting chain letter the other day.
It went like this:
To Whom it may Concern:

If you are not satisfied with your present pastor mail
this letter to the 6 churches listed at the top of the letter,
then pack up your pastor and ship him to the church at the
bottom of the list.
At the end of 2 weeks, you should receive a total of
16,436 pastors -- one of them is bound to be a dandy!
But beware! One church broke this chain and received their
old pastor back!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj:     Short Church Jokes

Top

Subj:     Painting The Church (S537c)
          From: darrell94590
          on 5/3/2007

You can read this cute, animated story on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Joining The Army Of The Lord (S294)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/17/2002
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day,
and the preacher was standing at the door as he always
is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and
pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of
the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Top
Subj: Mr. Sugerbrown's Daughter (S292)
From: mombear1 on 9/5/2002
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her
this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Janey Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

With her mother standing just a few feet away, the
little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says
I'm not."

Top
Subj: Bible Riddle (S253)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/4/2001

How many of each type of animal did Moses take on the Ark?

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

ANSWER

None...Moses didn't take them on the ark...Noah did.

Top
Subj: Talking In Church (S230)
From: flovilla on 6/23/2001
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they
were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary
to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."

Top
Subj: Talking In Church II (S230)
From: flovilla on 6/23/2001
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked
out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're
not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Top
Subj: Dry Cleaner Moves To A New Location(S221)
From: mombear on 4/25/2001
Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next
door to St. Joseph's Church. After March 1, Cleanliness Is
Next to Godliness.'

Top
Subj: Making Faces (S212)
From: KMACINTY on 2/23/2001
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when
I was a child I was told that if I made an ugly face, it
could stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well,
Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!"

Top
Subj:     Sunday School Lesson On 10 Commandments (S191 ? S355)
          From: TAdams on 9/28/00
      and From: Imogenelumen on 11/19/2003
          (See 'Sunday School Class Learns Commandments' in CHURCH-SUPP)
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked
if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her
hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the
covers off the neighbor's wife."

Top
Subj: Moses Leads Israelites
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-30
Do you think that Moses led the Israelites through the desert
for forty years because God was testing him, or because he
wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there, or because Moses refused to ask
anybody for directions?

One thing about a church...you're never too bad to come in
and you're never too good to stay out.

My church welcomes all denominations....tens, twenties, fifties.

How about the California church that has two commandments, and
eight suggestions.

Top
Subj: Prayer To God (S191)
From: dmswitzer on 98-04-02
Dear Lord,

So far today God, I've done all right;

           I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper,
             haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
               selfish, or over-indulgent.
           I'm very thankful for that.

           But in a few minutes, God,
             I'm going to get out of this bed,
           And from then on
             I'm probably going to need
               a lot more help. Amen.

Top
Subj: Acting Up During Church (S160)
From: collins2 on 01/17/2000
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting
up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did
their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked
the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on
his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the
foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"

Q: How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the
Jonestown incident?
A: The Punchlines Were Too Long.

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================

Religious smileys from
Smiley_Central

.
.
.