Subj: Church Jokes
(Includes 29 jokes and articles, 19 1086,4,cL2f,wYT3a6a,1)
Glowing Church from
Also see ANAGRAM file - 'Box
Lunch Auction w/Anagram'
ARTIST file - 'Painting The Last Supper'
ASCII ART1 - 'ASCII Art Of Christian Fish'
BLACK2 file - 'Barack Obama Speaks at Dr. King's Church'
BREAST file - 'Husband Buys Bra For Wife'
BROTHERS file- 'Trying To Drown Your Younger Brother'
CARS-SUPP - 'Son Wants To Borrow The Family Car'
CATHOLIC - 'Bats In The Church Belfry'
COLLEGE2 - 'If College Students Wrote The Bible...:'
CONDOM file - 'Bowl With A Condom Floating In It'
CONTRACTOR - 'Bricklayer's Brother Is A Bishop'
DOG2 file - 'Fundamentalist Couple Buy A Dog'
ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'No Sunday Paper'
FART file - 'Silent Fart'
FOOD_ETC file- 'Dad's Brownies'
FOOD_ETC2 - 'Who Should Brew The Coffee?'
FOOD_ETC-SUPP- 'The Bake Sale Cake'
FUNERAL file - 'Keep Your Fork'
GOLF file - 'Jesus And Moses Play Golf'
HELL file - 'Satan Goes To Church'
.........KIDS3 file - 'Bible Fun'
IRISH2 file - 'Irish Toast Masters' Club'
JESUS file - 'Why They Took Jesus To Jerusalem'
......................- 'Honk If You Love Jesus'
NATIVE file - (see whole file)
POLICE2 file - 'Stopped While Going To Church'
PREACHER file- 'Invocation In The Kansas Senate'
......................- 'Sermon On Lying'
PRIEST1 file - 'Las Vegas Churches'
REDNECK3 file- 'You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If'
RELIGION1 - 'Religious Shit'
RELIGION2 - 'What's It Like Being A Christian?'
......................- 'Three Agnostic Brothers'
SCHOOL3 file - 'New School Prayer'
SCHOOL-SUPP - 'Neighbor Follows Tim To School'
SEX3 file - '94 Year Old Dies During Sex'
SHIPS file - 'Replica of Noah's Ark'
......................- 'If Noah Built The Ark Today....'
STORIES file - 'Reopening The Brooklyn Church'
Subj: Rodent Evangelism (S907)
Church Mice drawn by Phil Selby
From: Christina Bryson on Facebook
Subj: Joan, The Town Gossip (S257, S431b)
From: auntiegah on 4/27/2005
Joan, the town gossip and self-appointed
supervisor of the
town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's
business. Several local residents were unappreciative of
her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their
However, she made a mistake when
she recently accused
George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw
his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one
George, a dedicated Christian
and man of few words, stared
at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a
Later that evening, he parked
his pickup truck in front of
her house and left it there all night. Her gossiping ceased.
Subj: Man Without A Hat Goes To Church (S175)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/8/00
My uncle once spent days looking
for his new hat. Finally, he
decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the
rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church
and sat at the back. The sermon
was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon
and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over
and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to
steal a hat to replace the one I
lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you
my son. Was it when I started to
preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was
the one on adultery. When you
started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
Subj: The Golden Telephone To Heaven (S248, S579c)
From: gheckman on 10/27/2001
and From: fischer-j on 2/20/2008
A man in Topeka, Kansas,
decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to
San Francisco, and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church,
he began taking photographs
and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read
"$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about
the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this
golden phone is,in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he
pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man
thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches
in Seattle, Austin,
Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United
States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the
same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Minnesota.
Upon entering a church
in Minneapolis, Minnesota behold, he saw the usual golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I
have been in cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone and have been
told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk
to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a
minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly,
replied, "Son, you're in
Minnesota now, and it's a local call."
Subj: Learned From Noah And The Ark (S122, S326b)
From: Imogenelumen in 2004
| 1. Plan Ahead.
It wasn't raining when
Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years
old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics--do what
has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage.
8. The cheetahs were on board,
but so were the snails.
9. If you can't fight or flee--float!
10. Don't forget that we're all in
the same boat.
11. Remember that the ark was built
by amateurs and the Titanic was
built by professionals.
12. Remember that the woodpeckers
inside are often a bigger threat
than the storm on the outside.
13. Don't miss the boat.
14. No matter how bleak it looks,
there's likely to be a rainbow
on the other side. Look for it!
Subj: How to Get Into Heaven From Ireland (S293b, S736)
From: mjsl on 9/9/2002
and From: JOELFALLON and CarFal on 2/16/2011
I was testing children in my
Dublin Sunday school class to
see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house
and my car, had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that
get me into heaven?'
NO!' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every
day, mowed the garden, and
kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to
animals and gave sweets to all
the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year-old boy shouted out:
"YUV GOTTA BE FOOKIN' DEAD!"
It's a curious group, the Irish.
Subj: Sing Hymns In Church (S318)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/19/2003
One Sunday morning, the minister
told the congregation that
he was going to say a series of words and he wanted them to
sing the song that came to mind when he said each word.
The first word he said was "rock".
They immediately started singing "Rock Of Ages".
The second word he said was "blood",
and they sang "Power in the Blood".
The third word was "cross",
and they began singing "The Old Rugged Cross".
The fourth word he said was "sex".
Everyone gasped, and then it got very quiet.
'Way in the back of the church, an 87-year-old lady stood
up and started singing "Precious Memories".
Subj: Getting To Pick Three Hymns (S206, S424b)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/13/2005
Source: (Removed from craftonreunion.org)
The Sunday before Christmas,
a pastor told his congregation
that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people
to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering
plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to
pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed,
the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately
shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly,
saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her
hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the
pastor. He told her how wonderful
it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out
Her eyes brightened as she looked
over the congregation, pointed
to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll
take him and him and him."
Subj: The Bible According To Kids (S178)
From: gheckman on 6/25/00
The following statements about
the Bible were written by
children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e.,
bad spelling has been left in).
In the first book of the Bible,
Guinesses, God got tired
of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of
Ark because Noah built
the Ark, which the animals came to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt
by day, but a ball of
fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people
and throughout history they
had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let
himself be led astray by
a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the
Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up to
Mount Cyanide to find the
The first commandment was when
Eve told Adam to eat
The seventh commandment is "Thou
shalt not admit
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miricle in the Bible
is when Joshua told
his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled
at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who
lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons,
had 300 wives and 700
When Mary heard that she was
the mother of Jesus, she
sang the Magna Carta.
Then the three Wise Guys from
the east arrived and
found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule,
which says to do one
to others before they do one to you.
He also explained that "Man does
not live by sweat
It was a miricle when Jesus rose
from the dead and
managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed Jesus
were called the 12
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew
who was also a
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached the
holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only
one spouse. This is
Johnny Stares At Church Plaque (S92, S600)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #259 on 98-10-28
and From:LABLaughsClean on 7/7/2008
from Yahoo! Images
One Sunday morning the pastor
noticed little Johnny was
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked
up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he
said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied
the young man not taking his
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the
people who have died in the
service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together
staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely
broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Subj: Baptist Revival
From: humorlist-digest V2 #75 on 98-03-25
Several churches in the South
decided to hold revival services.
The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination.
"How many Baptists are here?"
he asked on his first night
of the revival.
All except one little lady raised their hands.
"Lady, what are you?" asked the minister.
"I'm a Methodist," meekly replied the lady.
"Why are you a Methodist?"
"Well, my grandparents were Methodists,
my mother was a
Methodist, and my late husband was a Methodist."
"Well," retorted the leader,
"just supposing all of your
relatives had been morons. What would that have made you?"
"Oh, I see. A Baptist, I suppose."
Subj: Three Couples Seek Church Membership (S172, S659)
From: V-lewis on 97-05-15
and From: tom on 8/25/2009
(Also see 'Sex
at the freezer' in Marriage2
and 'Irish Woman Wants Viagra For Her Husband' in DOCTOR-SUPP)
An elderly couple, a middle-aged
couple and a young newlywed
couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have
special requirement for new parishioners. You must abstain
from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came
back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly
couple and asks, "Were you able
to abstain?" The old man replies, "Yes we did!" replied the
husband. "It wasn't even difficult! My wife took up knitting,
and I read a lot, and we never even missed sex."
"Congratulations! Welcome to
the church." said the pastor. The
pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you
able to abstain?"
The man replied, "The first week
was not too bad. The second
week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but,
yes, we made it."
The minister congratulated the
second couple. "Come on in to
the church!" The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and
asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able
to go without sex for the two
weeks." the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can
of corn on the top shelf and
dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome
with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this
means you will not be welcome
in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK." Said the young man,
"We're not welcome at Safeway
Subj: Falling Asleep During The Sermon (S71, S633)
From: RFSlick on 98-06-12
and From: allenbergman on 2/23/2009
One day Mr. Jones went to have
a talk with the minister at
his church. "Reverend," he said, " I have a problem-- my
wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have and idea," said the minister.
"Take this hatpin
with you. I'll be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping,
and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion,
you give her a good poke in the leg with this pin."
In church the following Sunday,
Mrs. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And
who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding
to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband
jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right,
Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again.
Again, the minister
noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation,
motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones
as she was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again, Mrs.
Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed
off again. However, this time
the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of
his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as
signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking her
with the hatpin again when the minister asked, "...And
what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that goddamned thing in me
one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your
ass!!!!" The sermon was over.
Subj: Two Bad Boys (S495)
From: darrellvip on 2/17/2010
This family moves into a new
town. They had two little
hellion boys that terrorized the teachers at their previous
school. The nearest school in their new town was a Catholic
school. Well, they weren't Catholic, but they decided to
send their two boys there anyway, hoping perhaps that the
Nuns there would be able to straighten these boys out. The
boys began living up to their name, and terrorized their new
school. One day, the younger of the two gets caught, and
the nun grabs him by the scruff of the neck, and hauls him
down to the head priest.
The head priest sits him down
across from his desk. "Satan
is controlling you. He is why you are bad. Don't you know,
that no matter where you are or what you do, that God is
always there, always watching you? God is everywhere. He's
at your home, here at school, where ever you are. He is
there, whether you are naughty, nice, good or bad, he is
always there, watching you!" The priest speaks for 15 minutes,
hoping to get through to the boy.
After he is done with his speech,
he asks the boy, "Now, where
The boy just shrugs. Again,
the priest asks, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy just shrugs. By now, the priest is getting upset,
and points at the boy. "WHERE IS GOD!!??"
The boy looks around: under his
chair, around the room. He drops
his head down a little bit and shrugs his shoulders.
The priest was furious by now;
he yelled at the boy, "Go home!
Get your mother, and bring her back here with you!"
Well, by this time, school was
already out, and all the kids had
gone home, so the boy runs home as fast as he can. When he gets
home, his older brother is outside playing. He runs over to him,
grabs a hold of him.
"Get in the house, we're in big
trouble, God's missing, and
they're blaming us!"
Subj: PMS In The Bible
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-12
A preacher was telling his congregation
that anything they
could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the
Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could
be found there. After the service, he was approached by
a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible
mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it
must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after service,
the preacher called the
woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary
rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethelehem."
Subj: Highway Church Sign (S1086)
From: TLL on 10/26/2017
Subj: Church Signs
Subj: BooBoo's From Church Bulletins (S231b)
From: RFSlick on 6/27/2001
Don't let worry kill you; let the church help.
Thursday night; Potluck supper.
Prayer and medication
Remember in prayer the many who
are sick of our church
For those of you who have children
and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this
morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzar, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Thursday at 5 P.M. There will
be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers,
please see the minister in his study.
At the evening service tonight,
the topic will be "What
is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Seen on a church marquee:
-Let Us Take You To Our Leader.
-Come In For A Faith Lift.
-We, Too, Are Open On Sunday.
-Sometimes The Message Has To Be Blunt For You
To Get The Point.
-God Said It...We Believe It...That Settles It.
-If You Have No Sins...Bring A Friend Who Has.
-Come early -- if you want a back seat.
Seen on a Church parking lot
-Unauthorized cars will be spirited away at
-Parking lot for church members only; violators
will be baptized.
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS
TAKEN FROM CHURCH
BULLETINS. NO SLURS ARE INTENDED.
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south
and north ends of the Church. Children will be
baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream
social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet.
Mrs. Johnson will sing: "Put Me in My Little Bed"
accompanied by the pastor.
4. This being easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson
to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
5. The services will close with "Little Drops of Water."
One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest
will join in.
6. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to
defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those
wishing to do something on the new carpet, come
forward and get a piece of paper.
7. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of
every kind and they may be seen in the church
basement on Friday afternoon.
8. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the
church basement. Music will follow.
9. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce
the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Reverend
and Mrs. Jusius Belser.
Subj: Church Football (S319b)
From: lljknt on 3/4/2003
Quarterback Sneak - Church members
quietly leaving during
Draw Play - What many children
do with the bulletin during
Halftime - The period between
Sunday School and worship
when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not
sing, pray, work, or
apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making
a trip to the back (restroom
or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What
happens to a lot of money
that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point
at which you realize the
sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your
children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher
loses his notes and falls
back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to
the attention span of the
congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church
quick, without speaking
to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to
allow absolutely nothing
said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback - Option The decision
of 50% of the congregation
not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants
O Lord, grant that we may always
be right, for Thou knowest
we will never change our minds.
Subj: Bible Riddle (S253)
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/4/2001
How many of each type of animal
did Moses take on the Ark?
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
None...Moses didn't take them on the ark...Noah did.
Subj: Short Church Jokes
Painting The Church (S537c, S813)
From: darrell94590 on 5/3/2007
and From: tom on 8/11/2012
Subj: Talking In Church (S230)
From: flovilla on 6/23/2001
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they
were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary
to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
Subj: Talking In Church II (S230)
From: flovilla on 6/23/2001
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked
out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're
not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of
the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
Subj: Sunday School Lesson On 10 Commandments (S191, S355)
From: TAdams on 9/28/00
and From: Imogenelumen on 11/19/2003
(See 'Sunday School Class Learns Commandments' in CHURCH-SUPP)
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked
if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her
hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the
covers off the neighbor's wife."
Subj: Prayer To God (S191)
From: dmswitzer on 98-04-02
So far today God, I've done all right;
I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper,
haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
selfish, or over-indulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of this bed,
And from then on
I'm probably going to need
a lot more help. Amen.
Subj: Acting Up During Church (S160)
From: collins2 on 01/17/2000
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting
up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did
their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked
the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on
his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the
foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"
Q: How come no one ever came
up with any jokes about the
A: The Punchlines Were Too Long.