>>> Subj:    Garden of Eden Jokes (Gz)                (Includes 16 jokes and articles)

Adam ? Eve from Animation Factory

Also see DOGS1 file   - 'God Created Cats And Dogs'
         FOOD-ETC     - 'God And The Devil Create Food'
         IRISH1 file  - 'God Creates Earth'
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Subj:     Lost Genesis Chapter 2
          From: Anaise on 6/17/2001

 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  And
 the earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon
 the face of the deep.

 And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

 And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb
 yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God
 saw that it was good.

 And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

 And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our
 likeness, and let him have dominion over the fish of the
 sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle,
 and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that
 creepeth upon the earth."

 And so God created Man in his own image; male and female
 created He them.

 And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were
 lean and fit.

 And Satan said, "I know how I can get back into this game."

 And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
 and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so
 Man and Woman would live long and health lives.

 And Satan created McDonald's.  And McDonald's brought forth
 the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

 And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"  And Man
 said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

 And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep
 her figure that Man found so fair.

 And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5
 pounds.

 And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

 And Satan brought forth Ben ? Jerry's. And Woman gained 10
 pounds.

 And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
 and olive oil with which to cook them."

 And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed
 its own platter.  And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad
 cholesterol went through the roof.

 And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose
 those extra pounds.

 And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man
 would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and
 ESPN2.

 And Man gained another 20 pounds.

 And God said, "You are running up the score, Satan." And God
 brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
 brimming with nutrition.

 And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
 center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour
 cream dip also.

 And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
 swaddled in cholesterol.

 And Satan saw and said, "It is good."  And Man went into
 cardiac arrest.

 And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

 And Satan created HMOs.

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Subj:     If God Made Eve First (S179, S222)
          From: RFSlick on 7/8/00
      and From: gheckman on 3/13/2001

 In the beginning God created Eve.....  And she had 3 breasts.
 After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.  "How
 are things, Eve?"  He asked. "It is all so beautiful, God,"
 she replied.  "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the
 smells, the sights, everything is wonderful ... but I have
 one problem.

 It's these three breasts you've given me.  The middle one
 pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them
 with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on
 bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

 "That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot
 at this, you know.  I gave the animals what, six?  So I just
 figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll
 fix that right away!"  God reached down and took the middle
 breast right off, tossing it into the bushes.

 Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the
 garden.  "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?"  He asked.
 "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight
 on your part.  You see, all the animals are paired off.  The
 ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have
 a mate, except me.  I feel so alone."

 God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right.  How
 could I have overlooked this!  You do need a mate and I will
 immediately create Man from a part of you!   Now, let's see...
 where's that useless boob?!"

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Subj:     God's Children (S158, S571c)
          From: mbucher on 02/09/2000
      and From: rfslick on 12/27/2007

 Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort
 from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend
 to God's kids.  After creating heaven and earth, God created
 Adam and Eve.

 And the first thing he said was:
 "Don't".
 "Don't what?" Adam replied.
 "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
 "Forbidden fruit?
 We got forbidden fruit?
 Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"
 "No way!"
 "Yes way!"
 "Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
 "Why?"
 "Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering
 why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

 A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and
 was angry. Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First
 Parent asked.
 "Uh huh, " Adam replied.
 "Then why did you?"
 "I dunno" Eve answered.
 "She started it!" Adam said.
 "Did not!"
 "Did too!"
 "DID NOT!!"
 Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
 Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the
 pattern was set and it has never changed.  But there is
 reassurance in this story.  If you have persistently and
 lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it,
 don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling
 children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake
 for you?

 A FEW ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ! ...

 CHILDREN: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
 them to walk and talk.  Then you spend the next 16 telling
 them to sit down and shut-up.

 Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

 Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

 Children seldom misquote you.

 In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you
 shouldn't have said.

 The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
 yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

 We childproofed our home 3 years ago and they're still
 getting in!

 Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

 AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A
 HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

 "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

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Subj:     Eve Talks To God (S155, S468)
          From: crtoth on 01/21/2000
      and From: auntiegah on 1/11/2006

 One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God..."Lord,
 I have a problem!"

 "What's the problem, Eve?"

 "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
 beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and
 that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

 "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

 "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

 "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create
 a man for you."

 "What's a 'man', Lord?"

 "A man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.  He'll
 lie, cheat, and be vain glorious; all in all, he'll give you
 a hard time.  But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to
 hunt and kill things.  He will look silly when he's aroused,
 but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a
 way that he will satisfy your physical needs.  He will be
 witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
 kicking a ball about.  He won't be too smart, so he'll also
 need your advice to think properly."

 "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
 "What's the catch, Lord?"

 "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

 "What's that, Lord?"

 "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
 So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
 ...Just remember, it's our little secret - you know, woman to
 woman."

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Subj:     The First Time Adam And Eve Have Sex (S62)
          From: kaiser on 98-04-07
          (See 'Farmer's Son's First Time At Brothel' in HOOKER file
           and 'Jane Meets Tarzan' in SEX3 file)

 In the Garden of Eden, Adam had just met Eve and they got
 talking about sex.  Eve was curious about what Adam did to
 have sex - after all, she was the first woman on earth. So
 Adam took her by the hand and led her to a nearby tree and
 showed her a hole in the tree trunk, just about the right
 height for Adam to thrust his desires away.

 Smiling, Eve said "Well now you don't have to have sex with
 the tree because I've got a hole too so why don't you put
 it in me?"

 She lay down on her back and opened her legs as wide as
 they would go.  Adam, looking forward to this impending
 moment of passion, took several steps back.

 "Come on, big boy!" said Eve.

 Adam ran towards Eve and..... KICKED her between the legs
 as hard as he could!

 Eve : "What was that for????" asked Eve

 Adam: "Oh, just checking for squirrels......"

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Subj:     Eve Is Jealous (S283b)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #44 on 98-02-15

 Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after
 drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and
 yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"

 Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman
 on earth" and went to sleep.

 Later that night Adam woke up. filling a tickle in his
 chest and saw it was Eve. "What the heck are you doing?"
 he asked.

 "I'm counting your ribs" she responded.

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Subj:     How Eve Was Made (S216)
          From: cpiazza on 97-06-02
      and From: RFSlick on 3/15/2001

 God comes to Adam and says, "Adam, it's not good for you to
 be alone. I will make for you a companion.  She will be very
 beautiful, really a delight to the eye.  She will be great
 fun in bed.  She will love you for your spiritual qualities
 alone.  Eve will be someone you can speak to about the deepest
 things in your heart and she will always understand.  She will
 be your inspiration in all of life. She will celebrate all
 your victories and be your consolation in every frustration.
 She will cook all the things you love and she make you feel
 treasured and cherished.  She will also be very smart, but
 she will never let you know how smart she is.  You will
 always think you are in charge.  In general, she will be the
 companion perfectly suited to you in every detail and you
 will love her more than you can imagine.  She will be your
 comfort and your joy throughout all the years of your life.

 Adam replied, "That sounds wonderful!  I've known you for
 just a short period of time, still I'll bet there is a price
 for this wonderful woman."

 God spoke, "Yes, there is a price. I want your left arm and
 your left leg."

 Adam replied, "Wow! That's a steep price! ... What could you
 do for a rib?"

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Subj:     Making Adam Loving Eve

 So Adam being on earth so long begins to get bored so one
 day he goes a pounding on God's door and says: Hey Lord!,
 I'm getting kinda lonely down here and to this God repliies
 that he will take care of it and lo and behold when Adam
 awakes next morning there is Eve.  Soon Adam goes a
 pounding on God's door again and says: Hey lord!,this Eve's
 kinda sweet!, and to this God replies"Adam,Adam, I made her
 that way so that you would fall in love with her.

 Next day Adam goes a pounding on God's door and Says Hey
 Lord!  Not only is Eve sweet but you know ,he says sheepishly,
 shes real soft too and to this God replies"Adam.  Adam, I
 made her that way, I made her that way so that you would
 fall in love with her.

 Next day Adam again goes a pounding...Hey Lordo!  This Eves
 real sweet and real soft and everything but you know, she's
 kind of stupid and to this God replies: Adam my son I made
 her that way,I made her that way so that she would fall in
 love with you!

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Subj:     The Lord Teaches Adam (S297, S473c)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-19
      and From: redcatt on 2/9/2006

 In the beginning . . .

 After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said,
 "It is time for you  and Eve to begin the process of
 populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing
 Eve."

 Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?"

 So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then
 took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush.  A few minutes
 later, Adam emerged, and said, "Lord, that was enjoyable."

 And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy
 that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

 And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'caress'?"

 So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went
 again behind the bush with Eve.  Quite a few minutes
 later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was
 even better than the kiss."

 And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam, and now I
 want you to make love to Eve."

 And Adam said, "Lord, what's 'making love'?"  So the Lord
 again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind
 the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds.

 And Adam said, "Lord, what's a 'headache'?"

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Subj:     God Hands Out Abilities
          From: TheBartend on 97-07-31

 Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had
 a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations,
 so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

 He told the couple that one of the things he had to give
 away was the ability to stand up and pee.  "It's a very
 handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging
 around under an apple tree.  "I was wondering if either
 one of you wanted that ability."

 Adam popped a cork.  Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that
 to me!  I'd love to be able to do that!  It seems the sort
 of thing a Man should do.  Oh please, oh please, oh please,
 let me have that ability.  I'd be so great!  When I'm
 working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just
 let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me
 who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please."
 On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to
 pee).

 Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display.  She
 told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it
 sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him
 happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given
 the ability to stand up and pee.

 And so it was.  And it was...well, good.

 "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over
 gifts.  "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

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Subj:     Eve Has A Period

 One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but
 found that Adam was sitting by himself.  "Where's Eve?"
 He asked.

 "Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed.  This happens
 every month or so."

 "So where is she?" asked God.

 "Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied
 Adam.

 "Damn," said God.  "Now I'll never get the smell out of
 the fish."

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Subj:     Adam Gets A Brain And A Penis (Playboy February 1997)

 The creator looked upon Adam and spoke.  "I've got good
 news and bad news.

 The good news is that I'm going to give you a brain and a
 penis."

 "And the bad news?" Adam asked.

 "I'm going to give you enough blood," God declared, "to
 use only one of them at a time."

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Subj:     Short Garden Of Eden Jokes

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Subj:     Eve Goes Skinny-Dipping (S301b)
          From: dogbyte on 11/3/2002
 One day, while God was looking into the Garden of Eden,
 he noticed Eve skinny-dipping in the river....

 "Damn!!  I'll NEVER be able to get THAT smell out of
 the fish!!"

From: dogbyte on 7/31/2002 (S288b)
 You think Oedipus had a problem?
 Think about this one:
 Adam was Eve's mother!

Q: If Adam and Eve were standing naked in a crowd of one
   million other naked people, how could you recognize
   them from the others?
A: Easy, they would be the only two without belly buttons.

From: kmacinty on 6/23/2002 (S282b)
 Q: If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
 A: A hole in it.

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The serpent from the garden from Les Gifs Animes

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