(Includes 22 jokes and articles)
Angel from
PageWorks
| Subj:
Heaven1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 22 jokes and articles) |
|
Angel from PageWorks |
Also see ANIMALS file - 'Best
Friends'
BASEBALL - 'Two
Baseball Buddies And Heaven'
BLONDE1 file - 'Blond
Dies And Goes To Heaven'
CABDRIVER - 'Minister
And Cabbie Die And Go To Heaven'
CANADIAN - 'American,
Scot And Canadian Die'
CATHOLIC - 'Heaven,
Be Quiet Passing Room 8'
......................-
'A Question For Mary'
......................-
'Clinton
And The Pope Die On The Same Day'
CHURCH file - 'How to
Get Into Heaven'
......................-
'The Golden Telephone
To Heaven'
COMPUTERS2 - 'Little
Boy's Father Dies'
CONTRACTOR - 'The
Parable Of The Good Contractor'
COWBOY2 file - 'Cowboy
Poetry'
FAMOUS-GATES - 'Bill
Gates Dies And Goes To Heaven'
......................-
'Bill
Gates Dies And Meets God'
.........GOD1
file - (See whole file)
GOD2 file - 'God's
Voice Mail'
GOLF1 file - 'Golfer
Dies And Goes To Heaven'
HELL file - 'Pope,
Graham ? Roberts Die'
......................-
'Consultant
Picks Between Heaven And Hell'
......................-
'Heaven Is Hotter Than Hell'
......................-
'Engineer Goes To Hell'
......................-
'Twin Brothers Die'
HORSE file - 'Zebra
Goes To Heaven'
LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer
Goes To Heaven'
......................-
'Another
Lawyer Goes To Heaven'
......................-
'New
York Lawyer Goes To Heaven'
MAILMAN-ETC - 'Doggie
Heaven'
NATIVES file - 'Picking
Fruit'
NUNS1 file - 'Three
Nuns Go To Heaven And Are Tested'
......................-
'Bus Full Of Nuns
Goes To Heaven'
POLITICAL2 - 'Clinton,
Gore, And Bush Died'
POPE file - 'The
Pope And A Lawyer Enter Heaven'
PREACHER - 'Oral
Roberts Dies And Meets Everyone'
PRIEST1 file - 'Two
Priests At The Pearly Gate'
SCHOOL3 file - 'Man
Dies And Goes To Heaven'
TAXES file - 'Going
To Heaven After Cheating On Your Taxes'
Tear Jerker2 - 'My
First Christmas In Heaven'
==========================================================Top
Subj: Heaven's
Door - Poem (S527b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/8/2007
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I
entered Heaven's door, not by
the beauty
of it all, by the lights or
its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
who made
me sputter and gasp--the thieves,
the liars,
the sinners, the alcoholics,
the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh
grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who
never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was
rotting
away in hell, was sitting pretty
on cloud
nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged the angel, "What's the
deal? I
would love to hear your take.
How'd all
these sinners get up here? God
must've
made a mistake. And why's
everyone
so quiet, so somber? Give me
a clue."
"Hush, child," said he. "They're
all in
shock. No one thought they'd
ever
see you."
\\\//
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Subj: Heard
From The Coffin (S145, S568b)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-06-15
and
From: PGSP4LIFE on 11/09/1999
Three buddies die in a car crash,
they go to heaven to an
orientation. They are
all asked, "When you are in your casket
and friends and family are mourning
upon you, what would you
like to hear them say about
you?
The first guy says, "I would
like to hear them say that I was
a great doctor of my time, and
a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would
like to hear that I was a wonder-
ful husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in
our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would
like to hear them say......LOOK,
HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Lines To Heaven For Men (S63, S331b)
From: thebartend on 98-04-13
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/3/2003
Everybody on earth dies and goes
to heaven. God comes and
says "I want the men to make
two lines. One line for the
men that dominated their women
on earth and the other line
for the men that were dominated
by their women. Also, I
want all the women to go with
St Peter."
Said and done, the next time
God looked the women are gone
and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were
dominated by their women was
100 miles long, and in the
line of men that dominated their
women, there was only
one man.
God got mad and said, "You men
should be ashamed of your-
selves. I created you
in my image and you were all
whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons
that stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him! Tell
them my son, how did you manage
to be the only one in
this line?
The man replied, "I don't know,
my wife told me to stand
here".
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Nurses Go To Heaven, One is A HMO (S312b, S502b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #37 on 98-02-07
and
From: drgolfmd on 9/6/2006
Three nurses went to heaven,
and were awaiting their
turn with St. Peter to plead
their case to enter the
pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked
in an emergency room.
We tried our best to help patients,
but occasionally
we did lose one. I think I deserve
to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked
in an operating room.
It's a very high stress environment
and we do our best.
Sometimes the patient is too
sick and we lose them, but
overall we try very hard."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file.
He pulls out a calculator
and starts punching away at
it furiously, constantly
going back to the nurse's file.
After a few minutes
St. Peter looks up, smiles,
and says, "Congratulations!
You've been admitted to heaven
... for five days!"
[Editor's note: The HMO
executive never made it to
heaven -- he spent eternity
trying to get through Hell's
voice mail system to dispute
a claim.
\\\//
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Subj: Henry
Ford Goes To Heaven (S80, 528b)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-03
and
From: gordonschuk on 2/28/2007
Henry Ford went to Heaven upon
his death and was given a
warm welcome at the pearly gates.
St. Peter, after
completing the formalities,
asked him how he would like
to spend his time. Ford, the
great inventor, asked to
see some of the inventors before
him. St. Peters printed
out the list of all the inventors
currently (doing time)
in heaven.
As Ford started to go through
the list, he came across
the name Adam. He queried
if it was the same guy who
discovered Eve, the woman.
St. Peters confirmed that
indeed Adam was the man credited
with the invention of
women. Ford requested
an audience with Adam, as he had
a few things to straighten out
with him.
When the scheduled meeting took
place, Ford was all over
Adam, attacking him for the
flaws in his invention.
"Your invention is the most stupid
work of engineering I
ever saw. There is too
much of front end protrusion, the
rear end wobbles too much, it
chatters at high speeds and
the intake is placed too close
to the exhaust."
Obviously, Adam doesn't like
it too much. He thinks for
a while and then leads Henry
Ford to the Celestial Computer.
He works with the enormous databanks
and in a few minutes
there is beeps and all that,
and out come a few charts and
graphs.
"Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite
all the flaws you pointed
out, data shows that there are
more men riding my product
than yours."
\\\//
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Subj: Forrest
Gump Goes To Heaven (S26, S452)
From: Max Weinstein on 11/30/96
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/15/2005
The day finally arrived; Forrest
Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met
by St. Peter himself. However,
the gates are closed and Forrest
approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest,
it's certainly good to see
you. We have heard a lot about
you. I must tell you, though,
that the place is filling up
fast, and we've been
administering an entrance examination
for everyone. The
test is short, but you have
to pass it before you can
get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is
good to be here , St. Peter,
sir. But nobody ever tolt me
about any entrance exam. Shor
hope the test ain't too hard;
life was a big enough test as
it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know,
Forrest, but the test is
only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions
over. He returns
the next day and sees St. Peter,
who waves him up and
says, "Now that you have had
a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your
answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first
one -- which two days in
the week begin with the letter
"T"? Shucks, that one's
easy. That'd! be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes
open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest,
that's not what I
was thinking, but you do have
a point, and I guess I
didn't specify, so I'll give
you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asks
St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says
Forrest, "but I thunk and
thunk about that and I guess
the only answer can be
twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve?
Twelve!? Forrest,
how in Heaven's name could you
come up with twelve
seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's
gotta be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."
"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter.
"I see where you're
going with this,and I see your
point, though that wasn't
quite what I had in mind....but
I'll have to give you
credit for that one, too. Let's
go on with the third and
final question. Can you tell
me God's first name"?
"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to
my first two questions,but just
how in the world did you
come up with the name Andy as
the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all," Forrest replied.
"I learnt it from the song.
. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS
WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM
HIS OWN. . . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
\\\//
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Subj: Forest
Gump In Heaven
From: ArmaDillow on 97-09-11
The day finally arrived: Forest
Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates
by Saint Peter himself. The
gates are closed, however, and
Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest,
it's certainly good to see
you. We have heard a lot
about you. I must inform you that
the place is filling up fast,
and we've been administering an
entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short,
but you need to pass before
you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is
good to be here Saint Peter. I
was looking forward to this.
Nobody ever told me about any
entrance exams. Shore
hope the test ain't too hard; life was
a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I
know Forest. But, the test I
have for you is only three questions.
Here is the first: What
days of the week begin with
the letter 'T'? Second, how many
seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the
questions over. He returns the
next day and goes up to Saint
Peter to try to answer the exam
questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and
asks, "Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions
over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first
one, -how many days of the week
begin with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one's easy; that'd
be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and
he exclaims, "Forest! That's
not what I was thinking, but...
you do have a point though,
and I guess I didn't specify,
so I give you credit for that
answer."
"How about the next one" says
Saint Peter, "how many seconds
in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says
Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk
about that, and I guess the
only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says,
"Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how
in Heaven's name could you come
up with twelve seconds in a
year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta
be twelve: January second,
February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter.
"I see where you're going
with it. And I guess I
see your point, though that wasn't
quite what I had in mind.
I'll give you credit for that one
too."
"Let's go on with the next and
final question," says Saint
Peter, "Can you tell me God's
first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know
God's first name. Everbody
probly knows it. It's
Howard."
"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What
makes you think it's
'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds
Forest: "Our Father, who art
in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Religious Couples Go To Heaven (S07)
There were three couples, one
of Jewish faith, one of
Catholic faith and one of Protestant
faith. The entire
group was returning, by plane,from
an inter-faith conference
when their plain crashed.
Well, low and behoold, each
couple found themselves at the
Pearly gates facing St. Peter.
St. Peter asked the Jewish man,
"Sir is it true you loved
money so much that you married
a women named 'Penny'?'"
And when the Jewish man answered
yes, he and his wife named
Penny where told to go on down
to hell. They'd be better
suited there. They next
couple to come before St. Peter was
the Catholic couple. St
Peter said," Is it true, sir, that
you love alcohol so much that
you married a woman named
Sherry? And when the Catholic
man had answered yes, St.
Peter told him to go on down
to hell. He and his drink-
loving wife would be better
suited down there. Well about
this time, the Protestant man
grabbed his wife's and said,"
Come on, Fanny, it 's no need
for us to even go up there.
\\\//
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Subj: All
About Heaven (S401b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/9/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200407/016.htm
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Men At The Pearly Gates (S89, S428b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/11/2005
Three men were standing in line
to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty
busy day, though, so Peter
had to tell the first one, "Heaven's
getting pretty close
to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people who
have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well,
for a while I've suspected my
wife has been cheating on me,
so today I came home early to
try to catch her red-handed.
As I came into my 25th floor
apartment, I could tell something
was wrong, but all my
searching around didn't reveal
where this other guy could
have been hiding. Finally, I
went out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this
man hanging off the railing, 25
floors above ground! By
now I was really mad, so I started
beating on him and kicking him,
but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off. Finally
I went back into my apartment
and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't holf on
for long, so he let go and fell,
but even after 25 stories, he
fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I couldn't stand
it, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the fridge and threw
it over the edge where it landed
on him, killing him instantly.
All the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack
and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad
day to me," said Peter, and let
the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter
explains to him about heaven
being full, and again asks for
his story. "It's been a very
strange day. You see, I live
on the 26th floor of my apartment
building, and every morning
I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have
slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. I got lucky,
and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.
I knew I couldn't hang on for
very long, when suddenly this
man burst out onto the balcony.
I thought for sure I was saved,
when he started beating on me
and kicking me. I held
on the best I could until he ran into
the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my
hands. Finally I just let go.
Again I got lucky and fell
into the bushes below, stunned
but all right. Just when I was
thinking I was going to be okay,
this refrigerator comes falling
out of the sky and crushes me
instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede
that it sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front
of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter
explained that heaven was full and
asked for his story. "Picture
this," says the third man, "I'm
hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Men At The Pearly Gates II (S305)
From: thebartend on 12/2/2002
Three men died on Christmas Eve
and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of the season"
Saint Peter said, "you must
each possess something
that symbolizes Christmas to
get into heaven on this
holy day."
The first man fumbled through
his pockets and pulled
out a lighter. He flicked
it on. "It represents a
holy candle" he said.
You may pass through the pearly
gates replied Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his
pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook
them and said, "They're bells"
Saint Peter said he could pass
through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching
desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out
a pair of women's panties.
"What do these symbolize?" Saint
Peter asked.
The man replied, "They're Carols"
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Men At The Pearly Gates III (S315)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/10/2003
(Also see 'Being
Asked About Salary At The Pearly Gates' in HEAVEN2)
A man dies and finds himself
standing third in line at
the Pearly Gates. The
Angel explains that admission
requirements are now a bit more
strict, as a few slum
landlords and con artists have
managed to slip into
Heaven without being detected.
He queries the first candidate:
"What was your annual
salary, and what was your profession?
"I made $150,000 as an Attorney"
comes the reply. "You
may enter" says the Angel.
Second candidate, same question.
"I made $95,000, I was
a realtor." He is also
permitted to enter. Now it is
the third man's turn.
"My annual salary was $8,000."
"Cool!" replies the Angel,
"and what instrument did you
play?"
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Men At The Pearly Gates IV (S378b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/07/2004
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician
and an idiot, were
out riding in the car when it
crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knew, the three
men found themselves standing
before the pearly gates of Heaven,
where St. Peter and the
Devil were standing nearby.
Gentlemen," the Devil started,
"due to the fact that Heaven
is now overcrowded, St Peter
has agreed to limit the number
of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a
question which I don't know or
cannot answer, then you're worthy
enough to go to Heaven; If
not, then you'll come with me
to Hell."
The philosopher then ste pped
up and said, "OK, give me the
most comprehensive report on
Socrates' teachings".
With a snap of his finger, a
stack of paper appeared next to
the Devil. The philosopher
read it and concluded it was
correct. "Then, go to
Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,
"Give me the most complicated
formula you can ever think of!"
With a snap of his finger,
another stack of paper appeared.
The mathematician read it
and reluctantly agreed it was
correct. "Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger,
the mathematician disappeared
too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair
and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which
hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat
and said, "The third hole from
the right." "Wrong," said the
idiot, " it's from my asshole."
The idiot went to Heaven.
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Men And Cindy Crawford At The Pearly Gates
(Also see 'Don't Hit The Duck'
in HEAVEN2
and see 'Three Guys In Hell'
in HELL
and see 'Going
To Heaven After Cheating On Your Taxes' in TAXES)
Manlo , Peter ? Anthony went
for a ride in the country. These
guys got into an accident and
ended up at the pearly gates of
Heaven. God told Anthony
to go to Room No: 1. The three
being buddies, so, they all
went with Anthony into Room No: 1.
In there, they saw a beast that
is half man ? half woman.
God said to Anthony, " Since
you have been bad, you have to
make love to this creature for
2 years before you get to go
to Heaven."
Manlo and Peter then left Anthony
and went back to the gates
of Heaven. God said again,"
Peter, go to Room No:2." Peter
and Manlo went to Room No: 2
and in there they found a beast
that is half woman and half
dog. God said to Peter, "Since
you have also been quite bad,
you have to make love to this
beast for 4 years before you
can go to Heaven." Manlo quietly
left Peter and tiptoed back
to the gates of Heaven and waited.
God said to Manlo, "Manlo, go
to Room No:3." Manlo went to
Room No: 3 and found Cindy Crawford
in the same room. Manlo
was excited now after seeing
the "punishments" that Peter ?
Anthony got. God then
said to Cindy Crawford, "Since you
have been really, really bad,
you have to make love to this
thing for 6 years!!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Einstein
Dies And Goes To Heaven (S312)
From: szalay on 1/23/2003
Einstein dies and goes to heaven
only to be informed that
his room is not yet ready.
"I hope you will not mind
waiting in a dormitory.
We are very sorry, but it's the
best we can do and you will
have to share the room with
others." he is told by the doorman
(say his name is Pete).
Einstein says that this is no
problem at all and that
there is no need to make such
a great fuss. So Pete
leads him to the dorm.
They enter and Albert is intro-
duced to all of the present
inhabitants. "See, Here
is your first room mate.
He has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!"
Says Albert. "We can discuss
mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says
Albert. "We can discuss
physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That Wonderful! We can
discuss the latest plays at
the theater!"
Just then another man moves out
to capture Albert's
hand and shake it. "I'm
your last room mate and I'm
sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and
says, "How 'bout them
Raiders?"
\\\//
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Subj: The
Hero Goes To Heaven (S131A, S352)
From: V-lewis on 97-04-29
and
From: rickydwyman on 10/24/2003
A guy is at the Pearly Gates,
waiting to be admitted, while
St. Peter is leafin' through
the Big Book to see if the guy
is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books
several times, furrows his brow,
and says to the guy, "You
know, I can't see that you did
anything really good in your
life but, you never did anything
bad either. Tell you what,
if you can tell me of one REALLY
good deed that you did in
your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and
says, "Yeah, there was this
one time when I was drivin'
down the highway and I saw a
giant group of KKK Biker Gang
Rapists assaulting this poor
girl. I slowed down my
car to see what was going on, and
sure enough, there they were,
about 50 of 'em torturing this
chick. Infuriated, I get
out my car, grabbed a tire iron
out of my trunk, and walked
straight up to the leader of the
gang, a huge guy with a studded
leather jacket and a chain
running from his nose to his
ear. As I walked up to the
leader, the Gang formed a circle
around me.
So, I rip the leader's chain
off his face and smash him over
the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yell
to the rest of them, "Leave
this poor, innocent girl alone!
You're all a bunch of sick,
deranged animals! Go home
before I teach you all a lesson
in pain!'"
Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really?
I can't seem to find
this in your file. When
did this happen?"
"About two minutes..."
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Subj: Elderly
Couple Goes To Heaven (517b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/10/2006
This 85 year old couple, having
been married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good
health the last ten years mainly
due to her interest in
health food, and exercise.
When they reached the Pearly
Gates, St. Peter took them
to their mansion which was decked
out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the
old man asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.
"It's free, " Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey
the championship golf
course that the home backed
up to. They would have
golfing privileges everyday
and each week the course
changed to a new one representing
the great golf courses
on earth. The old man asked,
"what are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house
and saw the lavish buffet
lunch with the cuisines of the
world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?
This is Heaven, it is free!"
Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat
and low cholesterol tables?"
the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best
part...you can eat as
much as you like of whatever
you like and you never get
fat and you never get sick.
This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into
a fit of anger, throwing
down his hat and stomping on
it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down, asking
him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife
and said, "This is all
your fault. If it weren't
for your fucking bran muffins,
I could have been here ten years
ago!"
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Subj: Three
Girls And The Keys To Heaven (S302)
From: TheBartend on 97-08-28 and 11/14/2002
Three girls died and was brought
to the gates of heaven.
Upon entering the gate, they
were halted by St. Peter and
his obedient angel. St.
Peter asked the girls, "Before
entering you must answer this
simple question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said.
"I was a virgin before I got married
and was still virgin even after
I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter.
"Angel, give this girl...
the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I
was a virgin before I got
married but was not after I
got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter.
"Angel, give this girl...
the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said.
"I practically have sex
with every guy I met before
and after I got married.
Anywhere, anytime".
"Very good", said St. Peter.
"Angel, give this girl....
my room key."
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Subj: Ronald
Reagan Goes To Heaven
From: humorlist-digest V1 #213 on 97-10-02
After a long and vigorous life,
Ronald Reagan dies. He
appears at the pearly gates
of heaven. As Reagan
approaches, St. Peter looks
up his name in the Book of
Life--and behold, it is there.
There is an annotation,
however. St. Peter explains
to Reagan that he may enter,
but that he must spend a year
in penance if he is to enjoy
the full rewards of heaven.
His penance will consist of
a year in a room with Atilla
the Hun. Reagan thinks this
over for about ten minutes,
after which he decides that a
year is nothing compared with
eternity and accepts his
penance. St. Peter guides
him down a long hall in their
"Short-Term Penance" section,
and shows Reagan to his room,
where he can see Atilla waiting
for him. He looks around,
and on the other side of the
hall he sees Bob Dole in a
room with BO DEREK!
Before Peter can close the door
Reagan grabs him and says.
"Hey, this isn't very fair!
That person over there wasn't
all that much better on earth
than I was." St. Peter
shrugs him off and says:
"Bo Derek's penance is none of
your business."
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Subj: Bill,
Hillary, And Al Go To Heaven (S279b)
From: DR SWITZER on 97-11-09
Bill, Hillary, and Al were
in an airplane that crashed.
They're up in heaven, and God's
sitting on the great
white throne. God addresses
Al first: "Al, what do you
believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe
that the combustion engine
is evil and that we need
to save the world from CFCs
and that if any more freon
is used, the whole earth
will become a greenhouse and
we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says
"Okay, I can live with
that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill.
"Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe
in power to the people. I
think people should be
able to make their own choices
about things and that
no one should ever be able to tell
someone else what to do.
I also believe in feeling
people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says
"Okay, that sounds good.
Come and sit at my right."
God then addressed Hillary.
"Hillary, what do you believe
in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
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Subj: New
Yorkers Goes To Heaven
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 05 Nov 97
St Peter was standing at the
Pearly Gates one day when a
group of New Yorkers walked
up. The New Yorkers asked if
they could come in. St
Peter said "Well, I dont know, we
have never had a New Yorker
here before, let me run back
and check with the boss"
St Peter walks up to God and
says "We have a group of New
Yorkers at the Pearly Gates
that want to come in, we have
never had any before, is it
OK?"
God looks at him and said "Sure,
let them in! Welcome
them with open arms"
A couple of minutes later St
Peter comes running back to
God, yelling "They are
Gone, they are GONE!!"
God says "What? Where did the New Yorkers go?"
St Peter says "No, the pearly gates are gone!"
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Subj: A Texan
Dies And Goes To Heaven (S308)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #9 on 98-01-10
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/26/2002
A Texan died and went to heaven
where St. Peter met him at
the Pearly Gates.
"Show me what you got, Pete,"
said Tex. St. Peter swung
open the gates and revealed
a beautiful landscape of
mountains, rivers, streams,
trees, flowers and all the
trimmings.
"We've got that in Texas.
We call it King Ranch" said
Tex. St. Pete flashed
up a scene of men, women and
children frolicking on the countryside,
riding coaches,
swinging, swimming, riding horses,
bicycling, etc.
"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."
Whereupon. St. Peter threw open
a trapdoor of the fires
of Hell and out shot a huge
ball of fire followed by a
solid stream of flame sweeping
over the entire area. The
blinding light and heat were
enormous.
"We don't have that," said Tex,
"but we've got a guy in
Houston who can put it out."
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