Subj: Heaven2 Jokes
(Includes 28 jokes and articles, 10852,1,cf,tb,md4b,0)
Subj: I Went To Heaven (S644c)
From: darrellvip on 5/12/2009
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh
Who swiped my lunch money! Twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Jerry, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake!
'And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber? - Please give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'it's because
they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'
Subj: A Soldier Goes To Heaven (S447b)
From: DoctorDebt on 8/22/2005
The soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.
"Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?"
The soldier squared his shoulders
"No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.
But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.
And I never passed a cry for
Though at times I shook with fear
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.
If you've a place for me here,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand."
There was a silence all around
Where the saints had often trod.
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.
"Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell."
It's the Military, not the reporter
who has given us the freedom of the press.
It's the Military, not the poet,
who has given us the freedom of speech.
It's the Military, not the politicians
that ensures our right to Life, Liberty
and the Pursuit of Happiness.
It's the Military who salutes the flag,
who serves beneath the flag, and whose
coffin is draped by the flag.
Subj: Tom Woke-Up In Heaven (S429b, S852)
From: allenbergman on 5/8/2011
and From: virv on 5/9/2013
After a night of drinking, Brian
crept into bed beside his
wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the
cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange
man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing
white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and
what are you doing in my bedroom?".
"This isn't your bedroom."
The man replied. "I am St.
Peter and you're in Heaven."
"WHAT!" Said Tom.
"Are you saying I'm dead? I don't
want to die! I'm too young. I want you to send me back
"It's not that easy." Said
St.Peter. "You can only
return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Tom thought about it and figured
that being a dog is too
tiring but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought.
"I want to return as a hen." Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found
himself in a chicken
coop, nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end
was gonna explode.
Just then along came a rooster.
"Hey, you must be the
new hen St. Peter told me about. How do you like being a
"Well, okay I guess, but my ass
feels like it's about to
"Oh that!" Said the rooster.
"That's only the ovulation
going on. You need to lay an egg. Just relax and let it
And so he did and after a few
uncomfortable seconds later,
an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling
of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better
of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen
was the best thing that had happened to him…ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he
was just about to lay his
third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his
head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you
drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed."
Subj: Cat And Mice Go To Heaven (S419b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/2/2005
A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met the animal at the
Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of
these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a moment
and then said, "All my life
I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors... I
would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly, the cat had a HUGE
A few days later, 12 mice were
simultaneously killed in
an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God
met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same
offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have
had to run all of our lives...
from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we
could just have some little roller-skates, we would never
have to run again."
God answered, "It is done."
All the mice had beautiful
About a week later, God decided
to check on the cat... He
found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently
awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have
you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, everything
is just WONDERFUL... I've
never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy
and those little "Meals-on-Wheels" that You have been sending
over are delicious."
Subj: I Dreamed I Went To Heaven-Poem (S346b, DU)
From: KMacintyre on 9/18/2003
Last night while I lay sleeping,
I died or so it seems.
Then I went to Heaven
But t'was only in my dreams.
But, it seems St Peter met me,
there at the Pearly Gate.
He said, " I must check your record
So stand right here and wait.
I see where you drank alcohol,
and swore quite often, too.
Fact is you've done many things
that a good person shouldn't do.
We can't have people like you
Your life was full of sin.
Then he read the last of my record,
Grasped my hand and said, "Come in."
He took me up to the Big Boss,
Said, "Take her in and treat her well."
She worked for the State of California, Sir.
She's had her share of hell.
Subj: Spelling Test To Enter Heaven (S337b)
From: BennoRo on 7/14/2003
A woman arrived at the Gates
of Heaven. While she was waiting
for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were
her parents and all the other people she had loved and who
had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings
to her, "Hello, How are you! We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the
woman said to him, "This is such
a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a
word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled "Love"
and Saint Peter welcomed
her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter
came to the woman and asked
her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding
the Gates of Heaven, her
husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been ?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well
since you died," her
husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who
took care of you while you were ill. Then I won the multi-
state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in
and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all
around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went
water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer. How do I get in ?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word ?" her husband asked.
Subj: Guards Riddle (S288b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/8/2002
There are 2 guards. One tells
the truth and one lies. There
are also 2 doors. One leads to Heaven and the other leads to
the devils playground. One guard is in front of each door.
You can only ask the guards ONE question and you have to ask
the same question to both guards. What you are trying to
find out is which door leads to Heaven and which door leads
to the devil's playground.
Ask each one "What will the other
one say is the door to
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
They should answer the same. Go in
the opposite door they
Subj: Judgement Day (S229)
From: h2oman19 on 2/7/2001
One day God was looking down
at Earth and saw all of the
evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down
to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best
angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God,
"Yes, it is pretty bad on
Earth, 95% bad and 5% good."
Well, He thought for a moment,
then said "Maybe I had better
send down a second angel, to get another point of view."
So God called another angel and
sent her to Earth for a time
too. When the angel returned she went to God and told him
"Yes, the Earth is in decline, 95% badand 5% good."
God decided that this was not
good at all. So He decided to
E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them, and give
them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail
You didn't get one either, huh?
Subj: Woman Dies And Returns To Earth (S214, S513c)
From: KMACINTY on 3/5/2001
and From: edapsmas on 11/15/2006
A middle aged woman had a heart
attack and was taken to
the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a
near death experience. Seeing God, she asked Him if
this was "it". God said, "No, I am sending you back.
You have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided
to stay in the hospital
and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation,
and a tummy tuck. She even had her hairdresser come to
the hospital to change her hair color before she was
released to go home. She figured that since she had
such a long life ahead of her, she had better make the
most of it.
After all the operations, she
left the hospital and
while crossing the street she was hit by an ambulance
and was immediately killed. Coming face to face with
God, the woman demanded, "I thought you said I had
another forty years left to live. What happened?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Subj: A Lady Hears Screams in Line For Heaven (S175)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #317 on 6/5/00
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
She arrives at the pearly
gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few
people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that,"
says Saint Peter, "it's just
someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can
be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears
another agonized scream,
this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh, don't worry," says Saint
Peter soothingly, "It's just
someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be
fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint
Peter. "I think I'll go
downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says
the saint, "You'll be raped
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that.
Subj: An Accountant Goes To Heaven (S174)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/25/00
(Also see 'Another Lawyer Goes To Heaven' in LAWYER2)
An accountant dies and goes to
heaven. He reaches the pearly
gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners
and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes
running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet
you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a
remarkable man as yourself."
The accountant is perplexed.
"I've tried to lead a good
life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St.
"It's the least we can do for
someone as special as you are.
Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so
young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded
and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only
St. Peter replies, "But that
can't be right - we've seen your
Subj: Three Teens Step On Ducks In Heaven (S146)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/15/1999
Replaced by 'Don't Hit The Duck' below.
Subj: Don't Hit The Duck (S251b, S849)
From: gheckman on 11/22/2001
and From: virv on 4/20/2013
(also see 'Three Guys In Hell' in HELL
and see 'Three Men And Cindy Crawford At Pearly Gates' in HEAVEN1
and see 'Going To Heaven After Cheating On Your Taxes' in TAXES)
Three golfing partners died in
a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course
they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all
welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there
is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions,
and finally one of them
asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There
are millions of ducks
walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks
then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all
squawking to beat the band and it really breaks the
tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished,
otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
Upon entering the course, the
men noted that there were
indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen
minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck
squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a
deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely
homely woman in tow
and asked "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it
admitted "I did." St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair
of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely
woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he
said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The other two men were very cautious
not to hit any ducks,
but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did.
The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes
St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
St.Peter determined which one
had hit the duck by the fear
in his face and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely
woman's left hand. I told you not to hit the ducks," he
said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful.
Some days he wouldn't
even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three
months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter
walked up to the man at the end of the three months and
had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man
and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful
woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would
be handcuffed to this woman
for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to
deserve this?" The woman responded "I don't know about you,
but I hit a duck."
Subj: Pope Reads Scriptures In Heaven
From: humorlist-digest V3 #16 on 99-01-18
The Pope dies and, naturally,
goes to heaven. He's met
by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour
is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations
available. He decides that he wants to read all of the
ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and spends
the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master,
he sits down in the
library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible,
working back from the most recent "Easy reading" to the
original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the
library. The angels come running to him, only to find the
Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,
"An 'R'! They left out the 'R'." God takes him aside,
offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After
collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter
.. the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Subj: Three Nuns Go To Heaven And Return (S168, S455)
From: thebartend on 98-05-19
and From: DoctorDebt on 10/9/2005
Three Italian nuns die and go
to heaven, where they are
met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies,
you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you
six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want."
The first Italian nun says (thick
Italian accent, con brio),
"I vant-a to be-a Sophia Loren-a" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I vant-a to
be-a Madonna" and *poof*
The third says, "I vant-a to be-a Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and
says "I'm sorry but that
name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper
out of her habit and hands
it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says
"No Sister, this says
'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days.
Subj: Frank And Ernest - Watch This (S404b)
From: Comics.Com on 9/28/04
Subj: Clocks In Heaven (S341)
From: RFSlick on 98-03-19
and From: Imogenelumen on 8/9/2003
A guy dies and goes to heaven.
It's a slow day for St. Peter,
so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not
very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great
idea and graciously accepts
the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf
course, the reading room and library, the observation room,
the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone
on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of
time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense
but notices that some of the
clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time
a living person tells a lie,
it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the
guy takes one last look around
the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center
of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an
unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies,
"That's Bill Clinton's clock.
We decided to use it as a fan."
Subj: Muslim Goes To Heaven (S293, S578)
From: dogbyte on 9/10/2002
A Muslim was killed in a car
accident. He arrives at the
gates of heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome
The Muslim says "Nice to meet
you Peter but I'm a Muslim
and I want to meet Muhammad."
St. Peter says "Sure no problem.
Climb up that ladder
behind you and you will meet Muhammad"
The Muslim climbs up the ladder,
gets to the top and there
is Moses. Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven".
The Muslim is very excited -
"Moses, its such an honor to
meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I
really want to meet Muhammad".
Moses says "No problem. Climb
up the ladder behind you
and you will meet Muhammad.
The Muslim climbs up the ladder,
gets to the top, he can't
see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before
him and asks "Who are you?"
The figure responds - "I am God.
Nice to meet you. Welcome
to Heaven". God walks over and shakes his hand.
The Muslim is stunned - he can
hardly speak. He says to
God "Sir, it is such an honor to meet you - I can't believe
it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no
disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad."
God says "Ohh.. You're here to
see Muhammad. I see. No
problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you
some coffee or something to eat?"
The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee"
God yells into the kitchen.. "Hey Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!"
Subj: Teacher Goes To Heaven (S489b)
From:LABLaughsClean on 5/31/2006
A teacher dies and goes to Heaven.
When she gets there she
meets Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter says to her,
"Welcome to Heaven. Let me give you an orientation first."
So Peter takes her to some beautiful houses.
The teacher asks, "Who lives
here in these beautiful
"These are for doctors.
They did a lot of good on Earth so
they get a nice mansion," replies Peter.
Peter takes the teacher to some
more mansions. These were
more magnificent than the first.
"Wow, who lives here?"
"These mansions are for social
workers. They did a lot of
good on Earth, but didn't make a lot of money so they get a
Peter takes the teacher to some
more mansions. These are
the most gorgeous homes she had ever seen. They have huge
columns, well manicured lawns, beautiful stained glass
windows - - - the works!
"These are the most beautiful
homes I have ever seen,"
exclaims the teacher. "Who lives here?!"
"Teachers live here," says Peter,
"they did much good on
Earth and received very little money, so they get the best
houses in all of Heaven."
"But where are all of the teachers?" inquires the teacher.
Peter answers, "Oh, they'll be
back soon. They're all in
Hell at a faculty meeting."
Subj: Teacher, Garbageman, And Lawyer Go To Heaven (S170)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day on 02 Mar 98
and From: collins2 on 4/17/00
Recently a teacher, a garbage
collector, and a lawyer wound
up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them
that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to
answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and
asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher
answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter
let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage
man and, figuring Heaven
didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring
with him, decided to make the question a little harder:
"How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him,
the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "1,228."
"That's right! You may
enter." St. Peter then turned to
the lawyer. "Name them."
Subj: Being Asked About Salary At The Pearly Gates (S166, S337)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 04/02/2000
and From: LABLaughs.com on 7/8/2003
(Also see 'Three Men At The Pearly Gates III' in HEAVEN1)
A young man died and went to
Heaven, where he was the third
person in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete was taking a
break, so an angel was admitting the newly arrived into
Heaven. Trying to get a little more strict with the
admission policies, the angel said they each had to state
their former occupations and yearly salaries.
The first man in line said, "I
was an actor and I earned
$1 million last year." The angel ushered him in.
The woman behind him said, "I
earned $150,000 last year as
an attorney." The angel thought about it for a moment, then
ushered her in as well.
The young man moved up to the
gates. "I only earned $8,000
last year..." he began.
"Oh," the angel interrupted,
"and what subject did you
Subj: Three Guys Admit Cheating To St. Peter
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
Three married guys die and meet
Saint Peter at the pearly
gates. Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your
wife?" The guy answers truthfully, "Every chance I got."
Peter points to two doors, telling the guy to enter the
second one. He then turns to the second guy, asking him,
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" "A couple of times,"
the guy mutters. Peter tells him to take door two. Peter
asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The
guy thinks for a couple of seconds and says, "Well, once.
You see, I was in this saloon
in Texas, and I noticed they
only had one cowgirl working there to take care of all of
the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said
'Well, she's all we need. That filly can suck a baseball
bat through a garden hose.' So that's when I cheated on
Peter then told the guy to enter
door number one. The guy
asks, "What's the deal? You sent the others to door number
two?" Peter says, "Yes, and they are both going to hell.
But you and I are going to Texas!"
Subj: Martha Contacts John After Death (S31, S734)
From: Imogenelumen on 8/5/2003
and From: ginafm on 2/4/2011
Two lovers interested in spiritualism
vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would
try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30
days after their dying.
As luck would have it, a few
weeks later the young man
died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart
tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30
At the seance, she called out,
"John, dear John; this is
Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her,
"Yes Martha, this is John;
I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what
is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There
are azure skies, a soft breeze,
sunshine most of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
"Well Martha, we get up before
sunrise, I have sex. I
have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex
a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud
- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,
then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late
at night. I catch some much-
needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
Martha was somewhat taken aback.
"Is that what heaven
really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."
Subj: Marriage In Heaven (S225)
From: KMACINTY on 5/18/2001
There was a young couple, very
much in love, who the night
before they were to be married, were both tragically killed
in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the
pearly gates of heaven being
escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven,
the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St.
Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we
miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding
vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said,
"I'm sorry, I've never
heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid
you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can
get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple
were escorted by the
guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty,
where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them
solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if
you still want to get married, come back and we will talk
about it again."
Well five years went by, and
the couple still very much
wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God
Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and
then I will consider your request."
Finally, they come before the
Lord God Almighty the third
time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord
again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry.
This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony
in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully,
all the guests thought the
bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile
River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven
sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few
weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake,
they just couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment
to see the Lord God Almighty,
this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When
the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said,
"Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in
heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a
Subj: Driving Cars In Heaven (S336)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
and From: LABLaughs.com on 7/4/2003
Three friends are in a car driving
to the ball game when a
Mack truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly
Gates being interviewed
by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How
many times did you cheat on your wife?
And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know.
"Vito hangs his head and replies,
"Honestly Pete, I was
banging two may be tree different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car
in heaven is that used Geo
Metro over there, goodbye." He looks at Eddie and asks,
"How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies,
"I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on
my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car
in heaven is that LeBaron,
goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how
many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and
replies, "I am proud to say
that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife!
In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I
remained celibate the whole time!" St. Peter replies, "Very
impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible.
A couple of hours later, Vito
and Eddie are waiting for
Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet.
Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and
his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito
asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're
stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a
Subj: Short Heaven Jokes
Subj: Dogs And Heaven (S492b)
From: igiggle on 6/26/2006
Many years ago when an adored dog died, a great friend, a
bishop, said to me, "You must always remember that, as
far as the Bible is concerned, God only threw the humans
out of Paradise.
Subj: 11th Commandment (S251b)
From: RFSlick on 11/22/2001
During a recent staff meeting in heaven God, Moses, and
Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of former
President Clinton, Jesse Jackson, ? now Gary Condit,
had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in
a brainstorming session to
try to settle on the wording of the new commandment,
because they realized that it should have the same
majesty and dignity as the other ten.
After many revisions they finally
agreed that the eleventh
commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod
with thy staff."
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven
is like the IRS.
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/30/2008 (S612b)
"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp.
Or, what's a heaven for?" -- Robert Browning
From: Anonymous Jr. on 12/2/2010 (S724)
in Funny Times, November 2010 p19
I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to live
my life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For
whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of
heaven would be even worse. -- Isaac Asimov