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Subj:     Heaven2 Jokes
                 (Includes 28 jokes and articles, 10852,1,cf,tb,md4b,0)

Angel from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  I Went To Heaven (S644c)
.........................A Soldier Goes To Heaven (S447b)
.........................Tom Woke-Up In Heaven (S429b, S852)
.........................Cat And Mice Go To Heaven (S419b)
.........................I Dreamed I Went To Heaven-Poem (S346b)
.........................Spelling Test To Enter Heaven (S337b)
.........................Guards Riddle (S288b)
.........................Judgement Day (S229)
.........................Woman Dies And Returns To Earth (S214, S513c)
.........................A Lady Hears Screams in Line For Heaven (S175)
.........................An Accountant Goes To Heaven (S174)
.........................Three Teens Step On Ducks In Heaven (S146)
.........................'Don't Hit The Duck' (S251b, S849)
.........................Pope Reads Scriptures In Heaven
.........................Three Nuns Go To Heaven And Return (S168, S455)
.........................Frank And Ernest - Watch This Comic Strip (S404b)
.........................Clocks In Heaven (S341)
.........................Muslim Goes To Heaven (S293, S578)
.........................Teacher Goes To Heaven (S489b)
.........................Teacher, Garbageman, And Lawyer Go To Heaven (S170)
.........................Being Asked About Salary At The Pearly Gates (S166, S337)
.........................Three Guys Admit Cheating To St. Peter
.........................Martha Contacts John After Death (S31, S734)
.........................Marriage In Heaven (S225)
.........................Driving Cars In Heaven (S336)
.........................Short Heaven Jokes
..............................Dogs And Heaven (S492b)
..............................11th Commandment (S251b)

============================================================Top
Subj:     I Went To Heaven (S644c)
          From: darrellvip on 5/12/2009

 I was shocked, confused, bewildered
 As I entered Heaven's door,
 Not by the beauty of it all,
 Nor the lights or its decor.

 But it was the folks in Heaven
 Who made me sputter and gasp--
 The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
 The alcoholics and the trash.

 There stood the kid from seventh grade
 Who swiped my lunch money! Twice.
 Next to him was my old neighbor
 Who never said anything nice.

 Jerry, who I always thought
 Was rotting away in hell,
 Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
 Looking incredibly well.

 I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
 I would love to hear Your take.
 How'd all these sinners get up here?
 God must've made a mistake!

 'And why's everyone so quiet,
 So somber? - Please give me a clue.'
 'Hush, child,' He said, 'it's because
 they're all in shock.
 No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

Top
Subj:     A Soldier Goes To Heaven (S447b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 8/22/2005

 The soldier stood and faced God,
 Which must always come to pass.
 He hoped his shoes were shining,
 Just as brightly as his brass.

 "Step forward now, you soldier,
 How shall I deal with you?
 Have you always turned the other cheek?
 To My Church have you been true?"

 The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
 "No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
 Because those of us who carry guns,
 Can't always be a saint.

 I've had to work most Sundays,
 And at times my talk was tough.
 And sometimes I've been violent,
 Because the world is awfully rough.

 But, I never took a penny,
 That wasn't mine to keep...
 Though I worked a lot of overtime,
 When the bills got just too steep.

 And I never passed a cry for help,
 Though at times I shook with fear
 And sometimes, God, forgive me,
 I've wept unmanly tears.

 I know I don't deserve a place,
 Among the people here.
 They never wanted me around,
 Except to calm their fears.

 If you've a place for me here, Lord,
 It needn't be so grand.
 I never expected or had too much,
 But if you don't, I'll understand."

 There was a silence all around the throne,
 Where the saints had often trod.
 As the soldier waited quietly,
 For the judgment of his God.

 "Step forward now, you soldier,
 You've borne your burdens well.
 Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
 You've done your time in Hell."

 ~Author Unknown~

 It's the Military, not the reporter
 who has given us the freedom of the press.
 It's the Military, not the poet,
 who has given us the freedom of speech.
 It's the Military, not the politicians
 that ensures our right to Life, Liberty
    and the Pursuit of Happiness.
 It's the Military who salutes the flag,
 who serves beneath the flag, and whose
    coffin is draped by the flag.

Top
Subj:     Tom Woke-Up In Heaven (S429b, S852)
          From: allenbergman on 5/8/2011
      and From: virv on 5/9/2013

 After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his
 wife who was already asleep.  He gave her a peck on the
 cheek and fell asleep.  When he awoke he found a strange
 man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing
 white robe.  "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and
 what are you doing in my bedroom?".

 "This isn't your bedroom."  The man replied.  "I am St.
  Peter and you're in Heaven."

 "WHAT!"  Said Tom.  "Are you saying I'm dead?  I don't
 want to die!  I'm too young.  I want you to send me back
 immediately."

 "It's not that easy."  Said St.Peter.  "You can only
 return as a dog or a hen.  The choice is yours."

 Tom thought about it and figured that being a dog is too
 tiring but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
 Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought.
 "I want to return as a hen."  Tom replied.

 And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken
 coop, nicely feathered.  But now he felt like his rear end
 was gonna explode.

 Just then along came a rooster.  "Hey, you must be the
 new hen St. Peter told me about.  How do you like being a
 hen?"

 "Well, okay I guess, but my ass feels like it's about to
 explode."

 "Oh that!"  Said the rooster.  "That's only the ovulation
 going on.  You need to lay an egg.  Just relax and let it
 happen."

 And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later,
 an egg pops out from under his tail.  An immense feeling
 of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better
 of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
 When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
 overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen
 was the best thing that had happened to him…ever!!!

 The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his
 third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his
 head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you
 drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed."

Top
Subj:     Cat And Mice Go To Heaven (S419b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 2/2/2005

 A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the
 Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of
 these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

 The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life
 I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors... I
 would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

 God said, "Say no more."  Instantly, the cat had a HUGE
 fluffy pillow.

 A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in
 an accident and they all went up to Heaven together.  God
 met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same
 offer that He made to the cat.

 The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives...
 from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we
 could just have some little roller-skates, we would never
 have to run again."

 God answered, "It is done."  All the mice had beautiful
 little roller-skates.

 About a week later, God decided to check on the cat... He
 found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently
 awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have
 you been doing? Are you happy?"

 The cat replied, "Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL... I've
 never been so happy in my life!  My pillow is always fluffy
 and those little "Meals-on-Wheels" that You have been sending
 over are delicious."

Top
Subj:    I Dreamed I Went To Heaven-Poem (S346b, DU)
         From: KMacintyre on 9/18/2003

 Last night while I lay sleeping,
 I died or so it seems.
 Then I went to Heaven
 But t'was only in my dreams.

 But, it seems St Peter met me,
 there at the Pearly Gate.
 He said, " I must check your record
 So stand right here and wait.

 I see where you drank alcohol,
 and swore quite often, too.
 Fact is you've done many things
 that a good person shouldn't do.

 We can't have people like you up here,
 Your life was full of sin.
 Then he read the last of my record,
 Grasped my hand and said, "Come in."

 He took me up to the Big Boss,
 Said, "Take her in and treat her well."
 She worked for the State of California, Sir.
 She's had her share of hell.

Top
Subj:     Spelling Test To Enter Heaven (S337b)
          From: BennoRo on 7/14/2003

 A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.  While she was waiting
 for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

 She saw a beautiful banquet table.  Sitting all around were
 her parents and all the other people she had loved and who
 had died before her.  They saw her and began calling greetings
 to her, "Hello, How are you!   We've been waiting for you!
 Good to see you."

 When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such
 a wonderful place!   How do I get in?"  "You have to spell a
 word," Saint Peter told her.

 "Which word?" the woman asked.

 "Love."

 The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed
 her into Heaven.

 About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked
 her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

 While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her
 husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
 "How have you been ?"

 "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her
 husband told her.  "I married the beautiful young nurse who
 took care of you while you were ill.  Then I won the multi-
 state lottery.  I sold the little house you and I lived in
 and bought a huge mansion.  And, my wife and I traveled all
 around the world.  We were on vacation in Cancun and I went
 water skiing today.  I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
 What a bummer.  How do I get in ?"

 "You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

 "Which word ?" her husband asked.

 "Czechoslovakia."

Top
Subj:     Guards Riddle (S288b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/8/2002

 There are 2 guards. One tells the truth and one lies. There
 are also 2 doors. One leads to Heaven and the other leads to
 the devils playground.  One guard is in front of each door.
 You can only ask the guards ONE question and you have to ask
 the same question to both guards.  What you are trying to
 find out is which door leads to Heaven and which door leads
 to the devil's playground.

 Ask each one "What will the other one say is the door to
 heaven?"

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

ANSWER

They should answer the same. Go in the opposite door they
say.

Top
Subj:     Judgement Day (S229)
          From: h2oman19 on 2/7/2001

 One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the
 evil that was going on.  He decided to send an angel down
 to Earth to check it out.  So he called one of His best
 angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

 When she returned she told God, "Yes, it is pretty bad on
 Earth, 95% bad and 5% good."

 Well, He thought for a moment, then said "Maybe I had better
 send down a second angel, to get another point of view."

 So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time
 too.  When the angel returned she went to God and told him
 "Yes, the Earth is in decline, 95% badand 5% good."

 God decided that this was not good at all.  So He decided to
 E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them, and give
 them a little something to help them keep going.

 Do you know what that E-mail said????
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *
 *

 You didn't get one either, huh?

Top
Subj:     Woman Dies And Returns To Earth (S214, S513c)
          From: KMACINTY on 3/5/2001
      and From: edapsmas on 11/15/2006

 A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to
 the hospital.  While on the operating table, she had a
 near death experience.  Seeing God, she asked Him if
 this was "it".  God said, "No, I am sending you back.
 You have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

 Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
 and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation,
 and a tummy tuck.  She even had her hairdresser come to
 the hospital to change her hair color before she was
 released to go home.  She figured that since she had
 such a long life ahead of her, she had better make the
 most of it.

 After all the operations, she left the hospital and
 while crossing the street she was hit by an ambulance
 and was immediately killed.  Coming face to face with
 God, the woman demanded, "I thought you said I had
 another forty years left to live. What happened?"

 God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Top
Subj:     A Lady Hears Screams in Line For Heaven (S175)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #317 on 6/5/00

 A lady dies and goes to heaven.  She arrives at the pearly
 gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.  There are a few
 people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
 Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!

 "What was that?" she asks.

 "Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "it's just
 someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can
 be fitted for their halo."

 A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream,
 this one even more terrible than the one before.

 "What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

 "Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just
 someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be
 fitted for their wings."

 The lady starts to back away.

 "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go
 downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.

 "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped
 and sodomized!"

 "It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that.

Top
Subj:     An Accountant Goes To Heaven (S174)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/25/00
 (Also see 'Another Lawyer Goes To Heaven' in LAWYER2)

 An accountant dies and goes to heaven.  He reaches the pearly
 gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners
 and chanting his name.  After a few minutes St.  Peter comes
 running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet
 you personally.  God is looking forward to meeting such a
 remarkable man as yourself."

 The accountant is perplexed.  "I've tried to lead a good
 life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St.
 Peter.

 "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are.
 Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so
 young," says St. Peter.  The man looks even more dumbfounded
 and replies, "160?  I don't know what you mean.  I'm only
 40."

 St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your
 time sheets!"

Top
Subj:     Three Teens Step On Ducks In Heaven (S146)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/15/1999

          Replaced by 'Don't Hit The Duck' below.

Top
Subj:     Don't Hit The Duck (S251b, S849)
          From: gheckman on 11/22/2001
      and From: virv on 4/20/2013
 (also see 'Three Guys In Hell' in HELL
   and see 'Three Men And Cindy Crawford At Pearly Gates' in HEAVEN1
   and see 'Going To Heaven After Cheating On Your Taxes' in TAXES)

 Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
 Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course
 they have ever seen.  St. Peter tells them that they are all
 welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there
 is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks.

 The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them
 asks "The ducks?"

 "Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks
 walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks
 then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all
 squawking to beat the band and it really breaks the
 tranquility.  If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished,
 otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

 Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were
 indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.  Within fifteen
 minutes, one of the guys hit one of them.  The duck
 squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a
 deafening roar of duck quacks.

 St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow
 and asked "Who hit the duck?"  The guy who had done it
 admitted "I did."  St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair
 of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely
 woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he
 said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

 The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks,
 but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did.
 The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes
 St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

 St.Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear
 in his face and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely
 woman's left hand. I told you not to hit the ducks," he
 said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

 The third man was extremely careful.  Some days he wouldn't
 even move for fear of even nudging a duck.  After three
 months of this he still hadn't hit a duck.  St. Peter
 walked up to the man at the end of the three months and
 had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful
 woman the man had ever seen.  St. Peter smiled to the man
 and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful
 woman and walked off.

 The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman
 for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to
 deserve this?"  The woman responded "I don't know about you,
 but I hit a duck."

Top
Subj:     Pope Reads Scriptures In Heaven
          From: humorlist-digest V3 #16 on 99-01-18

 The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.  He's met
 by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour
 is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations
 available.  He decides that he wants to read all of the
 ancient original text of the Holy scriptures, and spends
 the next eon or so learning the languages.

 After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the
 library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible,
 working back from the most recent "Easy reading" to the
 original script.  All of a sudden there is a scream in the
 library. The angels come running to him, only to find the
 Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,
 "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."   God takes him aside,
 offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.  After
 collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter
 'R'

 .. the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Top
Subj:     Three Nuns Go To Heaven And Return (S168, S455)
          From: thebartend on 98-05-19
      and From: DoctorDebt on 10/9/2005

 Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are
 met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.  He says, "Ladies,
 you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you
 six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want."

 The first Italian nun says (thick Italian accent, con brio),
 "I vant-a to be-a Sophia Loren-a" and *poof* she's gone.

 The second says, "I vant-a to be-a Madonna" and *poof*
 she's gone.

 The third says, "I vant-a to be-a Sara Pipalini."

 St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

 "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

 St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that
 name just doesn't ring a bell."

 The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands
 it to St. Peter.  He reads the paper and starts laughing.

 He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says
 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days.

Top
Subj:     Frank And Ernest - Watch This (S404b)
          From: Comics.Com on 9/28/04
At: http://www.comics.com/comics/franknernest
..../archive/franknernest-20040928.html
 

Top
Subj:     Clocks In Heaven (S341)
          From: RFSlick on 98-03-19
      and From: Imogenelumen on 8/9/2003

 A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter,
 so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not
 very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

 The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts
 the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf
 course, the reading room and library, the observation room,
 the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of
 clocks.

 The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

 St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
 how much time he has left on earth.  When a clock runs out of
 time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

 The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the
 clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

 St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie,
 it speeds his clock."

 This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around
 the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center
 of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an
 unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that
 clock?"

 "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock.
 We decided to use it as a fan."

Top
Subj:     Muslim Goes To Heaven (S293, S578)
          From: dogbyte on 9/10/2002

 A Muslim was killed in a car accident.  He arrives at the
 gates of heaven.  St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter.  Welcome
 to Heaven".

 The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim
 and I want to meet Muhammad."

 St. Peter says "Sure no problem.  Climb up that ladder
 behind you and you will meet Muhammad"

 The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there
 is Moses.  Moses says "Hi I'm Moses.  Welcome to Heaven".

 The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honor to
 meet you.  But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I
 really want to meet Muhammad".

 Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you
 and you will meet Muhammad.

 The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't
 see anything but bright light.  He sees this figure before
 him and asks "Who are you?"

 The figure responds - "I am God.  Nice to meet you.  Welcome
 to Heaven".  God walks over and shakes his hand.

 The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak.  He says to
 God "Sir, it is such an honor to meet you - I can't believe
 it - this place is great.  But I'm a Muslim and, no
 disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad."

 God says "Ohh.. You're here to see Muhammad.  I see.  No
 problem.  Have a seat.  Get comfortable.  Can I get you
 some coffee or something to eat?"

 The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee"

 God yells into the kitchen.. "Hey Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!"

Top
Subj:     Teacher Goes To Heaven (S489b)
          From:LABLaughsClean on 5/31/2006

 A teacher dies and goes to Heaven.  When she gets there she
 meets Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  Peter  says to her,
 "Welcome to Heaven.  Let me give you an orientation first."
 So Peter takes her to some beautiful houses.

 The teacher asks, "Who lives here in these beautiful
 houses?"

 "These are for doctors.  They did a lot of good on Earth so
 they get a nice mansion," replies Peter.

 Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These were
 more magnificent than the first.

 "Wow, who lives here?"

 "These mansions are for social workers.  They did a lot of
 good on Earth, but didn't make a lot of money so they get a
 better house."

 Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions.  These are
 the most gorgeous homes she had ever seen.  They have huge
 columns,  well manicured lawns, beautiful stained glass
 windows - - - the works!

 "These are the most beautiful homes I have ever seen,"
 exclaims the teacher. "Who lives here?!"

 "Teachers live here," says Peter, "they did much good on
 Earth and received very little money, so they get the best
 houses in all of Heaven."

 "But where are all of the teachers?" inquires the teacher.

 Peter answers, "Oh, they'll be back soon.  They're all in
 Hell at a faculty meeting."

Top
Subj:     Teacher, Garbageman, And Lawyer Go To Heaven (S170)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day on 02 Mar 98
      and From: collins2 on 4/17/00

 Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound
 up together at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter informed them
 that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to
 answer one question.  St. Peter addressed the teacher and
 asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
 iceberg?  They just made a movie about it."   The teacher
 answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."  St. Peter
 let him through the gate.

 St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven
 didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring
 with him, decided to make the question a little harder:
 "How many people died on the ship?"   Fortunately for him,
 the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "1,228."

 "That's right!  You may enter."  St. Peter then turned to
 the lawyer.  "Name them."

Top
Subj:     Being Asked About Salary At The Pearly Gates (S166, S337)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 04/02/2000
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 7/8/2003
 (Also see 'Three Men At The Pearly Gates III' in HEAVEN1)

 A young man died and went to Heaven, where he was the third
 person in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete was taking a
 break, so an angel was admitting the newly arrived into
 Heaven. Trying to get a little more strict with the
 admission policies, the angel said they each had to state
 their former occupations and yearly salaries.

 The first man in line said, "I was an actor and I earned
 $1 million last year." The angel ushered him in.

 The woman behind him said, "I earned $150,000 last year as
 an attorney." The angel thought about it for a moment, then
 ushered her in as well.

 The young man moved up to the gates. "I only earned $8,000
 last year..." he began.

 "Oh," the angel interrupted, "and what subject did you
 teach?"

Top
Subj:     Three Guys Admit Cheating To St. Peter
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

 Three married guys die and meet Saint Peter at the pearly
 gates. Peter asks the first guy, "Did you ever cheat on your
 wife?"  The guy answers truthfully, "Every chance I got."
 Peter points to two doors, telling the guy to enter the
 second one.  He then turns to the second guy, asking him,
 "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" "A couple of times,"
 the guy mutters.  Peter tells him to take door two.  Peter
 asks the third guy, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"  The
 guy thinks for a couple of seconds and says, "Well, once.

 You see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they
 only had one cowgirl working there to take care of all of
 the guys.  I asked the bartender how come, and he said
 'Well, she's all we need.  That filly can suck a baseball
 bat through a garden hose.'  So that's when I cheated on
 my wife."

 Peter then told the guy to enter door number one.  The guy
 asks, "What's the deal?  You sent the others to door number
 two?" Peter says, "Yes, and they are both going to hell.
 But you and I are going to Texas!"

Top
Subj:     Martha Contacts John After Death (S31, S734)
          From: Imogenelumen on 8/5/2003
      and From: ginafm on 2/4/2011

 Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation
 vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would
 try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30
 days after their dying.

 As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man
 died in a car wreck.  True to her word, his sweetheart
 tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30
 days later.

 At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is
 Martha.  Do you hear me?"

 A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John;
 I can hear you."  Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what
 is it like where you are?"

 "It's beautiful.  There are azure skies, a soft breeze,
 sunshine most of the time."

 "Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.

 "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, I have sex.  I
 have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
 I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex
 a couple of more times.  Then I have lunch (you'd be proud
 - lots of greens).  Another romp around the golf course,
 then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

 After supper, it's back to golf course again.

 Then it's more sex until late at night.  I catch some much-
 needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

 Martha was somewhat taken aback.  "Is that what heaven
 really is like?"

 "Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."

 "Well then where are you?"

 "I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."

Top
Subj:     Marriage In Heaven (S225)
          From: KMACINTY on 5/18/2001

 There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night
 before they were to be married, were both tragically killed
 in an automobile accident.

 They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being
 escorted in by St. Peter.  After a couple of weeks in heaven,
 the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St.
 Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we
 miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding
 vows.  Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

 St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never
 heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married.  I'm afraid
 you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that.  I can
 get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."

 Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the
 guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty,
 where they repeat the request.  The Lord looked at them
 solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if
 you still want to get married, come back and we will talk
 about it again."

 Well five years went by, and the couple still very much
 wanting to get married, came back.  Again the Lord God
 Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and
 then I will consider your request."

 Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third
 time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord
 again.  This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry.
 This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony
 in the main chapel.  The reception will be on me!"

 The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the
 bride was beautiful.  Moses brought some flowers from the Nile
 River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven
 sari.  But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few
 weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake,
 they just couldn't stay married to one another.

 So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty,
 this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven.  When
 the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said,
 "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in
 heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a
 lawyer?"

Top
Subj:     Driving Cars In Heaven (S336)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 7/4/2003

 Three friends are in a car driving to the ball game when a
 Mack truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

 They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed
 by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How
 many times did you cheat on your wife?

 And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know.

 "Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was
 banging two may be tree different broads a week."

 St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo
 Metro over there, goodbye." He looks at Eddie and asks,
 "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies,
 "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on
 my wife 3 times."

 St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron,
 goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how
 many times did you cheat on your wife?"

 Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say
 that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife!
 In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I
 remained celibate the whole time!" St. Peter replies, "Very
 impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible.
 Goodbye!"

 A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for
 Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet.
 Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and
 his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito
 asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're
 stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"
 Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a
 skateboard!"


Subj:     Short Heaven Jokes

Top
Subj:     Dogs And Heaven (S492b)
          From: igiggle on 6/26/2006
 Many years ago when an adored dog died, a great friend, a
 bishop, said to me, "You must always remember that, as
 far as the Bible is concerned, God only threw the humans
 out of Paradise.
 

Top
Subj:     11th Commandment (S251b)
          From: RFSlick on 11/22/2001
 During a recent staff meeting in heaven God, Moses, and
 Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of former
 President Clinton, Jesse Jackson, ? now Gary Condit,
 had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

 They worked long and hard in a brainstorming session to
 try to settle on the wording of the new commandment,
 because they realized that it should have the same
 majesty and dignity as the other ten.

 After many revisions they finally agreed that the eleventh
 commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod
 with thy staff."
 

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
 When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven
 is like the IRS.

From: LABLaughsClean on 9/30/2008 (S612b)
 "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp.
  Or, what's a heaven for?"  -- Robert Browning

From: Anonymous Jr. on 12/2/2010 (S724)
      in Funny Times, November 2010 p19
 I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to live
 my life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more.  For
 whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of
 heaven would be even worse.  -- Isaac Asimov

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