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Subj:     Preacher Jokes
                 (Includes 39 jokes and articles, 11908n,2,cf,md4w,2)

          Click "Here" for Preacher-Supp 


Dinner Sign from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Minister Buys Gas (S727 in Supp)
.........................Preacher Who Looked Like Conway Twitty - Music (S577c in Supp)
.........................Four Ministers Argue (S588b in Supp)
.........................The Vicar's Salary (S578b in Supp)
.........................The Energy Non-Crisis - Video (S582 in Supp)
.........................Preaching About Horseback Riding (S567 in Supp)
.........................The Preacher's Son (S557b in Supp)
.........................Minister Parks Illegally (S543 in Supp)
.........................Minister's First Funeral (S470b in Supp)
.........................Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S652n in Supp)
.........................The Zipper - Video (S653)
.........................Daddy's Empty Chair (S445)
.........................The Pastor's Cat (S435)
.........................Preaching About Sin (S424b)
.........................Sermon Blooper (S414b)
.........................The Preacher's Wife Was Pregnant (S390, S770)
.........................Invocation In The Kansas Senate (S335)
.........................Bishop Declines Tea And Coffee (S308b)
.........................Reverend Teaches Boys About Lieing (S302)
.........................Preacher Tells Sailing Story (S298)
.........................Drunk Is Ready To For Jesus (S285b, S603b)
.........................Minister Gives A Talk About Worms And Sin (S406)
.........................Minister Gives A Talk About Sex (S245)
.........................Elderly Couple Healed By TV Preacher (S235)
.........................New Pastor Comes To Visit (S181, S550b)
.........................Preacher Accused Of Being In Klan (S180, S609c)
.........................Reverend John Fuzz Enters A Bar (S166, S346b)
.........................Minister's Son Wants to Drive The Car (S97, S578c)
.........................Elderly Man Looses His Hat (S76)
.........................Oral Roberts Dies And Meets Everyone (S02)
.........................Minister Looses His Bike (S325)
.........................Minister's Puppies
.........................Hard Of Hearing Member
.........................Catching Flies With Honey
.........................The New Assistant Pastor And The Gravy Ladle (S23)
.........................Preacher Visits Sex Party
.........................Pastor Visits Church Members
                         Short Preacher Jokes
..............................Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S653n)
..............................Bird Funeral (S244)
..............................Boy Wants To Give Pastor Money (218)
..............................Ministers Eat Spiked Watermelon (S185)
..............................3 Boys Discuss Dads' Ability To Write (S181, S435)
..............................Sermon On Lying (S172)
..............................Billy Graham Preaches In A Small Town (S121)

Also see BAR-SUPP     - 'GuyWalksIntoBar, Sn.1 Ep.7 - Familiar Faces' - Video
......................- 'Rabbi, Priest, And Preacher Go Into A Bar'
         CABDRIVER    - 'Minister And Cabbie Die And Go To Heaven'
         CLINTON file - 'Clinton And Falwell Travel On A Plane'
         CHURCH file  - 'Johnny Stares At Church Plaque'
......................- 'Two Bad Boys'
......................- 'The Pastor's Wife At Church'
......................- 'Sing Hymns In Church'
......................- 'Falling Asleep During The Sermon'
......................- (see whole file)
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Three Young Men Sell Bibles'
         CHURCH-SUPP2 - 'Church Mice - A Christian Comic'
......................- 'Praying For 'Special Needs''
         CONDOM file  - 'Bowl With A Condom Floating In It'
         COMPUTERS3   - 'Man E-Mails His Wife'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'New Doctor Takes Over For Old One'
         FUNERAL file - 'Dying Man Wants To Take It With Him'
......................- 'Keep Your Fork'
......................- 'Woman Dies After Three Husbands'
         GAMES2-SUPP2 - 'John Ortberg: It All Goes Back In The Box' - Video
         GOLF2 file   - 'God's Messenger By Dave Barry'
......................- 'The Blind Play Golf'
         HORSE file   - 'Pastor Finds Dead Mule'
         HUNTING-CMPNG- 'Three Hunters Caught In A Snowstorm'
         JEWISH1 file - 'When Life Begins'
         JEWISH-RABBI - 'Converting a Bear'
......................- 'Sex...Work Or Play?'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Andy And Pastor View Memorial'
         PRIEST1 file - 'The Priest, The Bishop And The Evangelist Fish'
         PRIEST2 file - 'Men Of The Cloth Visit Whore House'
         PEANUTS file - 'Preacher Eats Peanuts'
         PLANE file   - 'Doctor And Minister On A Plane'
         QUOT-COMED-S2- 'Foster Brooks Tells A Joke About A Preacher On A Bicycle'
         RELIGION1    - 'Rich Kid Buys A Ferrari'
......................- 'PMS In The Bible'
         STORIES file - 'Reopening The Brooklyn Church'
         SWEDISH_ETC  - 'Two Scandinavian Pastors Post A Sign'

===========================================================Top
Subj:     The Zipper (S653d)
          From: aldavito on 7/13/2009
Photo from YouTube.com...
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWH-VToohro

 Dr. Dennis Swanberg tells a joke in church titled
 "Bengy and the Zipper".  Click on the above source,
 or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this very funny video.

Top
Subj:     Daddy's Empty Chair (S445)
          From: darrell94590 on 7/27/2005

 This is NOT a joke.  It is a tear jerker story.

 A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come and
 pray with her father.

 When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed
 with his head propped up on two pillows.  An empty chair
 sat beside his bed.  The minister assumed that the old
 fellow had been informed of his visit. "I guess you were
 expecting me,"  he said.

 "No, who are you?" said the father.

 The minister told him his name and then remarked,  "I saw
 the empty chair and I figured you knew I was going to show up,"

 "Oh yeah, the chair," said the bedridden man.   "Would you
 mind closing the door?"  Puzzled, the minister shut the door.

 "I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter," said
 the man.  "But all of my life I have never known how to pray.
 At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it
 went right over my head.  I abandoned any attempt at prayer,"
 the old man continued, "until one day four years ago, my best
 friend said to me, Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of
 having a conversation with Jesus.

 Here is what I suggest. Sit down in a chair; place an empty
 chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair.

 It's not spooky because he promised, 'I will be with you
 always'.

 "Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with
 me right now."

 "So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a
 couple of hours every day.  I'm careful though.  If my
 daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she'd either
 have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm."

 The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged
 the old man to continue on the journey.  Then he prayed
 with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church.

 Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister
 that her daddy had died that afternoon.

 "Did he die in peace?" he asked.

 "Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock, he called me
 over to his bedside, told me he loved me and kissed me on
 the cheek.  When I got back from the store an hour later,
 I found him dead. But there was something strange about
 his death.

 "Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and
 rested his head on the chair beside the bed.  What do you
 make of that?"

 The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, "I wish
 we could all go like that."

Top
Subj:     The Pastor's Cat (S435)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 5/26/2005

 Dwight  Nelson  recently  told  a story about the pastor
 of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in
 his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor
 coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.  The kitty would not come
 down.  The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the
 pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove
 away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up
 and get the kitten.

 That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in
 the car mirror.  He then figured if he  went just a little
 bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to
 reach the kitten.  But as he moved the car a little further
 forward, the rope broke.  The tree went "boing!"and the
 kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.  The
 pastor felt terrible.

 The Pastor walked all over the neighborhood asking people if
 they'd seen a little kitten.  No.  Nobody had seen a stray
 kitten.  So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to
 your keeping," and went on about his business.

 A few  days later he was at the grocery store, and met one
 of his church members.  He happened to look into her shopping
 cart and was amazed to see cat food.  This woman was a cat
 hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you
 buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

 She replied, "You  won't believe this," and then told him
 how her little girl had  been  begging  her  for  a cat,
 but she kept refusing.  Then a few days before, the child
 had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl,
 "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."  She
 told the pastor, I watched my child go out in the yard,
 get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.  And really, Pastor,
 you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes.  A
 kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its
 paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

 Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense
 of humor.

Top
Subj:     Preaching About Sin (S424b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/10/2005

 The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject
 was SIN and he was against it.

 A girl with a wonderful figure and not nearly enough
 clothes to hide much skin came in late. She strode down
 the center aisle close to the front and sat down. It
 was plain to the preacher that he had lost 100% of the
 men in his audience to this voluptuous sex object.

 He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the
 good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every
 man in this building on evil thoughts and not good
 thoughts. But I am a man of GOD! You don't affect me,
 and right now up in Heaven, St. Finger is shaking his
 Peter at you!!!"

Top
Subj:     Sermon Blooper (S414b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/6/2005

 A large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the
 speakers were many well known motivational speakers.

 One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering
 the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my
 life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
 arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

 The crowd was shocked!

 He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"

 The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech,
 which went over well.

 About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended
 the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he
 shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to
 rehearse the joke in his head, but it seemed a bit foggy
 to him.

 Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest
 years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman
 that was not my wife!"

 His congregation sat shocked.

 After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall
 the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out,

 "And I can't remember who she was!"

Top
Subj:     The Preacher's Wife Was Pregnant (S390, S770)
          From: hellgunner50 on 7/18/2004
      and From: jcary on 10/13/2011

 There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby.  The
 preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
 After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule
 that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
 paycheck.

 After six children, this started to get expensive and the
 congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss
 the preacher's salary.

 There was much yelling and bickering about how much the
 clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
 Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
 "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many
 gifts as He gives us."

 Silence fell over the congregation.  In the back pew, a
 little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
 her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when
 we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

 The entire  congregation said, "Amen."

Top
Subj:     Invocation In The Kansas Senate (S335)
          From: JBCARY1 on 6/12/2003

 This is not a joke.  I wonder how many people will tell me
 to remove them from my mailing list for this one.

 When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session
 of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual
 generalities, but this is what they heard:

 "Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your
 forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance.  We
 know Your Word says, "Woe to those who call evil good,"
 but that is exactly what we have done.  We have lost our
 spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.  We confess
 that we have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and
 called it Pluralism.

 We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.

 We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare

 We have killed our unborn and called it choice.

 We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable

 We have neglected to discipline our children and called
 it building self-esteem

 We have abused power and called it politics.

 We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called
 it ambition.

 We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography
 and called it freedom of expression.

 We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our fore-
 fathers and called it enlightenment

 Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse
 us from every sin and set us free.  Guide and bless these
 men and women who have been sent to direct us to the center
 of Your will. Amen!"

 The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked
 out during the prayer in protest.  In 6 short weeks,
 Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor,
 logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those
 calls responding negatively.  The church is now receiving
 international requests for copies of this prayer from India,
 Africa, and Korea.  Commentator Paul Harvey aired this
 prayer on his radio program, "The Rest of the Story," and
 received a larger response to this program than any other he
 has ever aired.

 Guess the preacher believed we are "One nation under God".
 "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything."

 Snopes.com has verified that the above invocation is true at
 http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/outrage/wright.asp

Top
Subj:     Bishop Declines Tea And Coffee (S308b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/24/2002

 The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone
 in his small town look to him for an example, but that all
 too often, all eyes were on him as potential fodder for the
 local gossip mill, as well.

 This could be wearing; but usually, he was able to provide
 the good example and escape the tattlers. One night,
 however, after a long, hard day, a social obligation
 beckoned on top of his church responsibilities, and he came
 to a sudden stopping place.

 His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with
 concern, "A spot of tea, Bishop?"

 "No, thank you," he managed. "No tea."

 "Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?"

 "No coffee either, thank you."

 In the spirit of conspiracy, she leaned closer and murmured,
 "I could bring you a scotch and soda in an opaque mug?"

 "My dear, this is my last word: NO soda."

Top
Subj:     Reverend Teaches Boys About Lieing (S302)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/13/2002

 A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon
 a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and
 12 years of age.  The group surrounded a dog.  Concerned
 lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked
 "What are you doing with that dog?"

 One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighbor-
 hood stray.  We all want him, but only one of us can take
 him home.  So we've decided that whichever one of us can
 tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

 Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't
 be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.  He then
 launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning,
 "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with,
 "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

 There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the
 reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them,
 the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right,
 give him the dog."

Top
Subj:     Preacher Tells Sailing Story (S298)
          From: flovilla on 10/13/2002

 >>> NOTE - This is a Christian story and not a joke. ???

 AFTER THE USUAL SUNDAY EVENING HYMNS, THE CHURCH'S PASTOR
 SLOWLY STOOD UP, WALKED OVER TO THE PULPIT AND, BEFORE HE
 GAVE HIS SERMON, BRIEFLY INTRODUCED A GUEST MINISTER WHO
 WAS IN THE SERVICE THAT EVENING.  THE PASTOR TOLD THE
 CONGREGATION THAT THE GUEST MINISTER WAS ONE OF HIS DEAREST
 CHILDHOOD FRIENDS AND THAT HE WANTED HIM TO HAVE A FEW
 MOMENTS TO GREET THE CHURCH AND SHARE WHATEVER HE FELT
 WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR THE SERVICE.

 WITH THAT, AN ELDERLY MAN STEPPED UP TO THE PULPIT AND
 BEGAN TO SPEAK. "A FATHER, HIS SON, AND A FRIEND OF HIS
 SON WERE SAILING OFF THE PACIFIC COAST," HE BEGAN, "WHEN
 A FAST APPROACHING STORM BLOCKED ANY ATTEMPT TO GET BACK
 TO THE SHORE.  THE WAVES WERE SO HIGH, THAT EVEN THOUGH
 THE FATHER WAS AN EXPERIENCED SAILOR, HE COULD NOT KEEP
 THE BOAT UPRIGHT AND THE THREE WERE SWEPT INTO THE OCEAN
 AS THE BOAT CAPSIZED."  THE OLD MAN HESITATED FOR A
 MOMENT, MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH TWO TEENAGERS WHO WERE,
 FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE SERVICE BEGAN, LOOKING SOME-
 WHAT INTERESTED IN HIS STORY.  THE AGED MINISTER CONTINUED,
 "GRABBING A RESCUE LINE, THE FATHER HAD TO MAKE THE MOST
 EXCRUCIATING DECISION OF HIS LIFE: TO WHICH BOY WOULD HE
 THROW THE LIFELINE.

 HE ONLY HAD SECONDS TO MAKE THE DECISION.  THE FATHER KNEW
 THAT HIS SON WAS A CHRISTIAN AND HE ALSO KNEW THAT HIS
 FRIEND WAS NOT. THE AGONY OF HIS DECISION COULD NOT BE
 MATCHED BY THE TORRENT OF WAVES. "AS THE FATHER YELLED OUT,
 'I LOVE YOU, SON!' HE THREW OUT THE LIFE LINE TO HIS SON'S
 FRIEND.  BY THE TIME THE FATHER HAD PULLED THE FRIEND BACK
 TO THE CAPSIZED BOAT, HIS SON HAD DISAPPEARED BENEATH THE
 RAGING SWELLS INTO THE BLACK OF NIGHT.  HIS BODY WAS NEVER
 RECOVERED." BY THIS TIME, THE TWO TEENAGERS WERE SITTING
 UP STRAIGHT IN THE PEW, ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR THE NEXT
 WORDS TO COME OUT OF THE OLD MINISTER'S MOUTH.  THE FATHER,
 HE CONTINUED, KNEW THAT HIS SON WOULD STEP INTO AN ETERNITY
 WITH JESUS AND HE COULD NOT BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIS SON'S
 FRIEND STEPPING INTO AN ETERNITY WITHOUT JESUS.  THEREFORE,
 HE SACRIFICED HIS SON TO SAVE THE SON'S FRIEND.

 HOW GREAT IS THE LOVE OF GOD THAT HE SHOULD DO THE SAME FOR
 US.  OUR HEAVENLY FATHER SACRIFICED HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON
 THAT WE COULD BE SAVED. "I URGE YOU TO ACCEPT HIS OFFER TO
 RESCUE YOU AND TAKE A HOLD OF THE LIFE LINE HE IS THROWING
 OUT TO YOU IN THIS SERVICE."  THE OLD MINISTER SAT DOWN
 IN HIS CHAIR AS SILENCE FILLED THE ROOM.  THE PASTOR AGAIN
 WALKED SLOWLY TO THE PULPIT AND DELIVERED A BRIEF SERMON
 WITH AN INVITATION AT THE END. HOWEVER, NO ONE RESPONDED
 TO THE APPEAL.

 WITHIN MINUTES AFTER THE SERVICE ENDED, THE TWO TEENAGERS
 WERE AT THE OLD MAN'S SIDE. "THAT WAS A NICE STORY," POLITELY
 STATED ONE OF THE BOYS, "BUT I DON'T THINK IT WAS VERY
 REALISTIC FOR A FATHER TO GIVE UP HIS ONLY SON'S LIFE IN
 HOPES THAT THE OTHER BOY WOULD BECOME A CHRISTIAN."

 "WELL, YOU'VE GOT A POINT THERE," THE OLD MAN REPLIED,
 GLANCING DOWN AT HIS WORN BIBLE. A BIG SMILE BROADENED HIS
 NARROW FACE, HE ONCE AGAIN LOOKED UP AT THE BOYS AND SAID,
 "IT SURE ISN'T VERY REALISTIC, IS IT?  BUT I'M STANDING
 HERE TODAY TO TELL YOU... THAT STORY GIVES ME A GLIMPSE OF
 WHAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE FOR GOD TO GIVE UP HIS SON FOR
 ME. YOU SEE......I WAS THAT FATHER AND YOUR PASTOR IS MY
 SON'S FRIEND."

Top
Subj:     Drunk Is Ready To For Jesus (S285b, S603b)
          From: thebartend on 7/15/2002
      and From: redcatt on 7/29/2008

 A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when
 he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
 He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
 into the preacher.

 The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the
 smell of booze.  Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you
 ready to find Jesus?"

 The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

 So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.  He
 pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found
 Jesus?"

 The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the
 water again but for a little longer this time.  He again
 pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you
 found Jesus, my brother?"

 The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks
 the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds
 him down for about 30 seconds.  When the drunk begins
 kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

 The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God,
 have you found Jesus?

 The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says
 to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Top
Subj:     Minister Gives A Talk About Worms And Sin (S406)
          From: DoctorDebt on 10/26/2004
          (Also see 'Worms And Alcohol' in Biology)

 A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
 emphasis to his Sunday Sermon.  Four worms were placed
 into four separate jars.  The first worm was put into a
 jar of alcohol.  The second worm was put into a jar of
 cigarette smoke.  The third worm was put into a jar of
 sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean
 soil.

 At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
 the following results:
    The first worm in alcohol - dead.
    Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
    Third worm in sperm - dead.
    Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

 So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn
 from this demonstration?   A little old woman in the back
 quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink,
 smoke and have sex, you won't have worms.

Top
Subj:     Minister Gives A Talk About Sex (S245)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/8/2001
 (Also see 'Preaching About Horseback Riding' in Preacher-Supp
       and 'Irish Toast Masters' Club in Irish2)

 A minister gave a talk on sex to the Lions Club. When he
 got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on
 sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the
 members.

 A few days later, she ran into some of the men on the
 shopping center and the men complemented her on the speech
 her husband had made.

 She said: "Yes I heard. I was surprised about the subject
 matter, as he has only tried it twice. The first time he
 got so sore he could hardly walk and the second time he
 fell off."

Top
Subj:     Elderly Couple Healed By TV Preacher (S235)
          From: thebartend on 7/31/2001

 An elderly couple is watching one of those television
 preachers on TV one night.  The preacher faces the camera
 and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing
 powers with everyone watching this program.  Place one
 hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of
 your body that ails you, and I will heal you."

 The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems,
 so she places one hand on the television and the other
 hand on her stomach.  Meanwhile, her husband approaches
 the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the
 other hand on his groin.

 With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about
 healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Top
Subj:     New Pastor Comes To Visit (S181, S550b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/12/99
      and From: SCOTCOB on 8/4/2007

 A Response Of Biblical Proportions

 A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to
 visit his parishioners.  All went well until he came
 to one house.  It was obvious that someone was home, but
 no one came to the door even after he had knocked several
 times.

 Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation
 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

 The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his
 card in the collection plate.  Below his message was
 notation "Genesis 3:10".

 Revelation 3:20 reads:
 "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my
 voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will
 dine with him, and he will with me."

 Genesis 3:10 reads:
 "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was
 afraid because I was naked."

 Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?  They
 still are!  "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22).

Top
Subj:     Preacher Accused Of Being In Klan (S180, S609c)
          From: collins2 on 7/10/00
      and From: ginafm on 9/8/2008

 The southern preacher rose with a red face.  "Someone in
 this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the
 K.K.K.  This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian
 community cannot tolerate.

 I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.  Now I
 want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
 from God and this Christian family."

 No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you not have the
 nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood.  Remember,
 you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
 Now stand and confess your transgression."

 Again all was quiet.  Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde
 with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew.
 Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.

 "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I
 never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.  I told a
 couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Top
Subj:     Reverend John Fuzz Enters A Bar (S166, S346b)
          From: RFSlick on 04/03/2000
      and From: Imogenelumen on 9/18/2003

 The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in
 a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main
 Street and he happened to notice a female member of his con-
 gregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.  The reverend
 thought this was sinful and not something a member of his
 congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of
 the bar and sat down next to the woman.

 "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place
 for a member of my congregation.  Why don't you let me take you
 home?"  "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

 When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
 back and forth.  The reverend realized that she had had too
 much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her.
 When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the
 floor.  After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend
 wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up
 to her waist.

 The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy,
 we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

 The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you
 don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

 The bartender nodded. "Oh, well if you're that far you might
 as well finish."

Top
Subj:     Minister's Son Wants to Drive The Car (S97, S578c)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #289 on98-12-09
      and From: tom on 2/16/2008

 A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
 father, who  was a minister, if they could discuss his use
 of the car.  His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with
 you.  You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little,
 and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it".

 A month later the boy came back and again asked his father
 if they could discuss his use of the car.  His father said,
 "Son, I'm real proud of you.  You have brought your grades
 up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get
 your hair cut!"

 The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad,
 I've been thinking about that.  You know Samson had long
 hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even
 Jesus had long hair."

 His father replied, "Yes son, and correct me if I'm wrong,
 but I believe they walked everywhere they went."

Top
Subj:     Elderly Man Looses His Hat (S76)
          From: thebartend on 98-07-13

 An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his
 favorite hat.  Instead of buying a new one, he decided he
 would go to church and swipe one from the vestibule.

 When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and
 took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the
 entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

 After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule
 doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I want
 to thank you preacher for saving mysoul today.  I came to
 church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon about
 the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

 Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal'
 changed your mind?"

 Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you
 said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

Top
Subj:     Oral Roberts Dies And Meets Everyone (S02)

 Oral Roberts dies and goes to heaven.  As he gets to the
 pearly gates, St.Peter says, "Next."  He replies, "Oral
 Roberts."  "The Oral Roberts?"  "Yes St Peter, the Oral
 Roberts."  St. Peter says, "Wait here a minute.  I know
 someone anxious to meet you."  He goes away for a few
 minutes and comes back with a guy on his arm.  "Jesus,
 this is Oral Roberts."  "The Oral Roberts?" Oral says,
 "Yes Lord, the Oral Roberts!" Jesus says, "Boy come with
 me.  I know someone that has been waiting to see you for
 years."  So Jesus leads him into a small room.

 Over in the corner is an old man  sitting in a rocking
 chair.  Jesus says, "Hey dad, this is Oral Roberts."

 "The Oral Roberts?" Oral says in a very humble voice.

 "Yes my Lord.  The Oral Roberts.."

 God says, "Boy I've been waiting years to see you.  Could
 you come over here and take a look at my knee.  It's been
 bothering me for years."

Top
Subj:     Minister Looses His Bike (S325)
          From: gheckman on 4/14/2003
 (Also see 'Murphy Tries To Steal A Hat At Mass' in CATHOLIC)

 There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding
 to their particular church.  They both enjoyed riding the
 bikes and talking.  Then one Sunday one of the ministers was
 walking. "My what happened to your bike?"

 "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

 "NO!," then an idea struck him, " You want to know how to
 get your bike back?"

 "Yeah."

 "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten
 Commandments and when you get to the part about Thout shall
 not steal, just look out into the congregation and see who
 looks guilty."

 Well the next Sunday the minister comes riding up on his
 bike.  "Hey I see my suggestion worked."

 "Well sort of, I was going along real good on the Ten
 Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery I
 remembered where I left the bike."

Top
Subj:     Minister's Puppies

 (Also see 'The President And The Puppies' in POLIT-CLINTON)

 The minister's dog had puppies, and one of his neighbors
 enquired as to as to what kind were they?  Baptist! he
 exclaimed.  Several days later the other neighbor found
 out about the puppies and went over to visit.  What
 beautiful puppies!  What kind are they? he asked.

 Episcopalian, replies the minister. About a week later
 one of the neighbor's cars breaks down, so he gets a ride
 to work with the other neighbor.  They were discussing
 the minister's new puppies, and one of them comments that
 the puppies are special, because they're Baptist puppies.
 The other neighbor disagrees, and said no, the minister
 had told him they were Episcopalian puppies.  Comparing
 stories, they decide to confront the minister.  When asked
 as to why he had said the puppies were Baptists at first,
 the minister replied that at that time their eyes were not
 open yet.

Top
Subj:     Hard Of Hearing Member

 Pity the poor pastor who was delivering his sermon when a
 gentlemen in the back pew turned his head to one side, put
 his hand to his ear, and said, "Louder."  The preacher
 raised his voice somewhat and continued with his sermon,
 which was not too interesting.  After a few minutes the man
 said again, "Louder!" The preacher strained even more and
 continued on, but by now the sermon had become quite boring.
 The man said again, "Louder!"  At this point a man on the
 front row couldn't stand it any longer and yelled back to
 the man in the rear.

 "What's the matter, can't you hear?"

 "No," said the man in the back.

 "Well," said the man down front, "move over, I'm coming back
 to join you."

Top
Subj:     Catching Flies With Honey

 Our Pastor was teaching Proverbs 16:24:  "Pleasant words are
 as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones."
 The minister then added, "You can catch more flies with honey
 than with vinegar."

 My wife leaned over, put her head on my shoulder and whispered
 in my ear, "I just love to watch your muscles ripple when you
 take out the garbage."

Top
Subj:     The New Assistant Pastor And The Gravy Ladle (S23)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
          (See 'Mother Has Dinner At Son's Home' in Dating3)

 In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main
 rectory; that is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
 One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to
 have dinner at the rectory.  While being served, the young
 pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and
 down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more than just
 a professional relationship between the pastor and the house-
 keeper.

 After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the
 young priest that everything was purely professional... that
 she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

 About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and
 said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner
 I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
 You don't suppose he took it, do you?

 The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a
 letter."  So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not
 saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you
 did not take the gravy ladle.  But the fact remains that
 it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

 The young assistant received the letter, and he answered
 it as follows:  "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that
 you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that
 you do not sleep with the housekeeper.  But the fact remains
 that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy
 ladle!"

Top
Subj:     Preacher Visits Sex Party
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #209 on 97-11-13

 A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church
 members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he
 approached the house.

 He knocked on the door and the owner answered.  Behind him,
 he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving
 from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing
 who it was.

 The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry.  I don't think
 I'd fit in here right now."

 "Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three
 times already!"

Top
Subj:     Pastor Visits Church Members
          From: auntieg on 97-12-07

  A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church
  members.  At one house, it was obvious that someone was
  home, but nobody came to the door even though the
  pastor knocked several times.  Finally, the pastor took
  out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of
  it,  and stuck it in the door.

  Revelation 3:20 -- Behold, I stand at the door and
  knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I
  will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me.

  The next day, the card turned up in the collection
  plate.  Below the pastor's message was the notation
  "Genesis 3:10".

  Genesis 3:10 -- I heard your voice in the garden, and I
  was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.


Subj:     Short Preacher Jokes

Top
Subj:     Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S653n)
          By Bob Thaves
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/13/2009
 Source: http://comics.com/affiliate/washington_post/?ComicID=31

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute cartoon on kneeling to pray.
 

Top
Subj:     Bird Funeral (S244)
          From: gheckman on 9/29/2001
 While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
 church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer
 that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
 five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
 robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed,
 they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then
 dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
 deceased.  The minister's son was chosen to say the
 appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
 his version of what he thought his father always said:
 "Glory be unto the Faaaather...and unto the Sonnn.....
 and into the hole he gooooes."
 

Top
Subj:     Boy Wants To Give Pastor Money (218)
          From: kmacinty on 4/6/2001
 After the church service, a little boy told the pastor,
 "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
 "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
 "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest
 preachers we've ever had."
 

Top
Subj:     Ministers Eat Spiked Watermelon (S185)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/19/2000
 Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka
 had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local
 ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the
 clerics' reaction.

 "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

 "Nothing," replied the waiter.

 "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
 

Top
Subj:     Three Boys Discuss Their Dads' Ability To Write (S181, S435)
          From: RFSlick on 7/19/00
      and From: dmswitzer1325 on 5/27/2005
 Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their
 fathers.  The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few
 words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give
 him $50."

 The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few
 words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
 $100."

 The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a
 few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it
 takes eight people to collect all the money!"
 

Top
Subj:     Sermon On Lying (S172)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/19/00
 A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
 about the sin of lying.  To help you understand my sermon, I
 want you all to read Mark 17."

 The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
 the minister asked for a show of hands.  He wanted to know
 how many had read Mark 17.  Every hand went up.  The minister
 smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.  I will now
 proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
 

Top
Subj:     Billy Graham Preaches In A Small Town (S121)
          From: kate289 on 5/25/99
 The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career
 when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
 Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where
 the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham
 thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church
 this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get
 to Heaven." "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
 "You don't even know your way to the post office."
 

 Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim de Bakker.
 Swaggart:  I have a theological question:  Can a prostitute
            be saved?
 De Bakker:  Yes.
 Swaggart:  Would you save me one for Saturday night?

 Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young
 preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the
 pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any
 among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue
 cleave to the woof of your mowf!"

 Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the Church of
 England.

From: igiggle on 1/13/2006 (S469b)
 Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance
 and conscientious stupidity.  -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
 

From: DafterLafter on 10/27/2004 (S406b)
 Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
 A: German Shepherds.

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