preacher

.
.

>>>
Subj: Preacher Jokes
(Includes 40 jokes and articles, 01838n,2,cf)

Click "Here" for Preacher-Supp

Dr. Dennis Swanberg tells a joke in church titled
"Bengy and the Zipper". Click on the above source,
or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this very funny video.

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Subj:     Daddy's Empty Chair (S445)
          From: darrell94590 on 7/27/2005

This is NOT a joke. It is a tear jerker story.

A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come and
pray with her father.

When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed
with his head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair
sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old
fellow had been informed of his visit. "I guess you were
expecting me," he said.

"No, who are you?" said the father.

The minister told him his name and then remarked, "I saw
the empty chair and I figured you knew I was going to show up,"

"Oh yeah, the chair," said the bedridden man. "Would you
mind closing the door?" Puzzled, the minister shut the door.

"I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter," said
the man. "But all of my life I have never known how to pray.
At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it
went right over my head. I abandoned any attempt at prayer,"
the old man continued, "until one day four years ago, my best
friend said to me, Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of
having a conversation with Jesus.

Here is what I suggest. Sit down in a chair; place an empty
chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair.

It's not spooky because he promised, 'I will be with you
always'.

"Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with
me right now."

"So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a
couple of hours every day. I'm careful though. If my
daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she'd either
have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm."

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged
the old man to continue on the journey. Then he prayed
with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church.

Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister
that her daddy had died that afternoon.

"Did he die in peace?" he asked.

"Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock, he called me
over to his bedside, told me he loved me and kissed me on
the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later,
I found him dead. But there was something strange about
his death.

"Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and
rested his head on the chair beside the bed. What do you
make of that?"

The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, "I wish
we could all go like that."

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Subj:     The Pastor's Cat (S435)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 5/26/2005

Dwight Nelson recently told a story about the pastor
of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in
his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor
coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come
down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the
pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove
away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up
and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in
the car mirror. He then figured if he went just a little
bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to
reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further
forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!"and the
kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The
pastor felt terrible.

The Pastor walked all over the neighborhood asking people if
they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray
kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to
your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one
of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping
cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat
hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you
buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him
how her little girl had been begging her for a cat,
but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child
had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl,
"Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She
told the pastor, I watched my child go out in the yard,
get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor,
you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A
kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its
paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense
of humor.

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Subj:     Preaching About Sin (S424b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/10/2005

The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject
was SIN and he was against it.

A girl with a wonderful figure and not nearly enough
clothes to hide much skin came in late. She strode down
the center aisle close to the front and sat down. It
was plain to the preacher that he had lost 100% of the
men in his audience to this voluptuous sex object.

He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the
good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every
man in this building on evil thoughts and not good
thoughts. But I am a man of GOD! You don't affect me,
and right now up in Heaven, St. Finger is shaking his
Peter at you!!!"

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Subj:     Sermon Blooper (S414b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/6/2005

A large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the
speakers were many well known motivational speakers.

One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering
the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my
life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech,
which went over well.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended
the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he
shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to
rehearse the joke in his head, but it seemed a bit foggy
to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest
years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman
that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall
the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out,

"And I can't remember who she was!"

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Subj:     The Preacher's Wife Was Pregnant (S390, S770)
          From: hellgunner50 on 7/18/2004
      and From: jcary on 10/13/2011

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The
preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule
that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss
the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a
little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when
we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

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Subj:     Invocation In The Kansas Senate (S335)
          From: JBCARY1 on 6/12/2003

This is not a joke. I wonder how many people will tell me
to remove them from my mailing list for this one.

When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session
of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual
generalities, but this is what they heard:

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your
forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We
know Your Word says, "Woe to those who call evil good,"
but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our
spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We confess
that we have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and
called it Pluralism.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare

We have killed our unborn and called it choice.

We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable

We have neglected to discipline our children and called
it building self-esteem

We have abused power and called it politics.

We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called
it ambition.

We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography
and called it freedom of expression.

We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our fore-
fathers and called it enlightenment

Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse
us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these
men and women who have been sent to direct us to the center
of Your will. Amen!"

The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked
out during the prayer in protest. In 6 short weeks,
Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor,
logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those
calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving
international requests for copies of this prayer from India,
Africa, and Korea. Commentator Paul Harvey aired this
prayer on his radio program, "The Rest of the Story," and
received a larger response to this program than any other he
has ever aired.

Guess the preacher believed we are "One nation under God".
"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything."

Snopes.com has verified that the above invocation is true at
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/outrage/wright.asp

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Subj:     Bishop Declines Tea And Coffee (S308b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 12/24/2002

The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone
in his small town look to him for an example, but that all
too often, all eyes were on him as potential fodder for the
local gossip mill, as well.

This could be wearing; but usually, he was able to provide
the good example and escape the tattlers. One night,
however, after a long, hard day, a social obligation
beckoned on top of his church responsibilities, and he came
to a sudden stopping place.

His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with
concern, "A spot of tea, Bishop?"

"No, thank you," he managed. "No tea."

"Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?"

"No coffee either, thank you."

In the spirit of conspiracy, she leaned closer and murmured,
"I could bring you a scotch and soda in an opaque mug?"

"My dear, this is my last word: NO soda."

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Subj:     Reverend Teaches Boys About Lieing (S302)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/13/2002

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon
a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and
12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned
lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked
"What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighbor-
hood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take
him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can
tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't
be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then
launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning,
"Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with,
"Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the
reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them,
the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right,
give him the dog."

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Subj:     Preacher Tells Sailing Story (S298)
          From: flovilla on 10/13/2002

>>> NOTE - This is a Christian story and not a joke. ???

AFTER THE USUAL SUNDAY EVENING HYMNS, THE CHURCH'S PASTOR
SLOWLY STOOD UP, WALKED OVER TO THE PULPIT AND, BEFORE HE
GAVE HIS SERMON, BRIEFLY INTRODUCED A GUEST MINISTER WHO
WAS IN THE SERVICE THAT EVENING. THE PASTOR TOLD THE
CONGREGATION THAT THE GUEST MINISTER WAS ONE OF HIS DEAREST
CHILDHOOD FRIENDS AND THAT HE WANTED HIM TO HAVE A FEW
MOMENTS TO GREET THE CHURCH AND SHARE WHATEVER HE FELT
WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR THE SERVICE.

WITH THAT, AN ELDERLY MAN STEPPED UP TO THE PULPIT AND
BEGAN TO SPEAK. "A FATHER, HIS SON, AND A FRIEND OF HIS
SON WERE SAILING OFF THE PACIFIC COAST," HE BEGAN, "WHEN
A FAST APPROACHING STORM BLOCKED ANY ATTEMPT TO GET BACK
TO THE SHORE. THE WAVES WERE SO HIGH, THAT EVEN THOUGH
THE FATHER WAS AN EXPERIENCED SAILOR, HE COULD NOT KEEP
THE BOAT UPRIGHT AND THE THREE WERE SWEPT INTO THE OCEAN
AS THE BOAT CAPSIZED." THE OLD MAN HESITATED FOR A
MOMENT, MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH TWO TEENAGERS WHO WERE,
FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE SERVICE BEGAN, LOOKING SOME-
WHAT INTERESTED IN HIS STORY. THE AGED MINISTER CONTINUED,
"GRABBING A RESCUE LINE, THE FATHER HAD TO MAKE THE MOST
EXCRUCIATING DECISION OF HIS LIFE: TO WHICH BOY WOULD HE
THROW THE LIFELINE.

HE ONLY HAD SECONDS TO MAKE THE DECISION. THE FATHER KNEW
THAT HIS SON WAS A CHRISTIAN AND HE ALSO KNEW THAT HIS
FRIEND WAS NOT. THE AGONY OF HIS DECISION COULD NOT BE
MATCHED BY THE TORRENT OF WAVES. "AS THE FATHER YELLED OUT,
'I LOVE YOU, SON!' HE THREW OUT THE LIFE LINE TO HIS SON'S
FRIEND. BY THE TIME THE FATHER HAD PULLED THE FRIEND BACK
TO THE CAPSIZED BOAT, HIS SON HAD DISAPPEARED BENEATH THE
RAGING SWELLS INTO THE BLACK OF NIGHT. HIS BODY WAS NEVER
RECOVERED." BY THIS TIME, THE TWO TEENAGERS WERE SITTING
UP STRAIGHT IN THE PEW, ANXIOUSLY WAITING FOR THE NEXT
WORDS TO COME OUT OF THE OLD MINISTER'S MOUTH. THE FATHER,
HE CONTINUED, KNEW THAT HIS SON WOULD STEP INTO AN ETERNITY
WITH JESUS AND HE COULD NOT BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIS SON'S
FRIEND STEPPING INTO AN ETERNITY WITHOUT JESUS. THEREFORE,
HE SACRIFICED HIS SON TO SAVE THE SON'S FRIEND.

HOW GREAT IS THE LOVE OF GOD THAT HE SHOULD DO THE SAME FOR
US. OUR HEAVENLY FATHER SACRIFICED HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON
THAT WE COULD BE SAVED. "I URGE YOU TO ACCEPT HIS OFFER TO
RESCUE YOU AND TAKE A HOLD OF THE LIFE LINE HE IS THROWING
OUT TO YOU IN THIS SERVICE." THE OLD MINISTER SAT DOWN
IN HIS CHAIR AS SILENCE FILLED THE ROOM. THE PASTOR AGAIN
WALKED SLOWLY TO THE PULPIT AND DELIVERED A BRIEF SERMON
WITH AN INVITATION AT THE END. HOWEVER, NO ONE RESPONDED
TO THE APPEAL.

WITHIN MINUTES AFTER THE SERVICE ENDED, THE TWO TEENAGERS
WERE AT THE OLD MAN'S SIDE. "THAT WAS A NICE STORY," POLITELY
STATED ONE OF THE BOYS, "BUT I DON'T THINK IT WAS VERY
REALISTIC FOR A FATHER TO GIVE UP HIS ONLY SON'S LIFE IN
HOPES THAT THE OTHER BOY WOULD BECOME A CHRISTIAN."

"WELL, YOU'VE GOT A POINT THERE," THE OLD MAN REPLIED,
GLANCING DOWN AT HIS WORN BIBLE. A BIG SMILE BROADENED HIS
NARROW FACE, HE ONCE AGAIN LOOKED UP AT THE BOYS AND SAID,
"IT SURE ISN'T VERY REALISTIC, IS IT? BUT I'M STANDING
HERE TODAY TO TELL YOU... THAT STORY GIVES ME A GLIMPSE OF
WHAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE FOR GOD TO GIVE UP HIS SON FOR
ME. YOU SEE......I WAS THAT FATHER AND YOUR PASTOR IS MY
SON'S FRIEND."

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Subj:     Drunk Is Ready To For Jesus (S285b, S603b)
          From: thebartend on 7/15/2002
      and From: redcatt on 7/29/2008

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when
he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the
smell of booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you
ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He
pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found
Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the
water again but for a little longer this time. He again
pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you
found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks
the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds
him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins
kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God,
have you found Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says
to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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Subj:     Minister Gives A Talk About Worms ? Sin (S406)
          From: DoctorDebt on 10/26/2004
          (Also see 'Worms And Alcohol' in Biology)

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed
into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a
jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of
cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of
sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean
soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following results:
    The first worm in alcohol - dead.
    Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
    Third worm in sperm - dead.
    Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn
from this demonstration? A little old woman in the back
quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink,
smoke and have sex, you won't have worms.

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Subj:     Minister Gives A Talk About Sex (S245)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/8/2001
(Also see 'Preaching About Horseback Riding' in Preacher-Supp
       and 'Irish Toast Masters' Club in Irish2)

A minister gave a talk on sex to the Lions Club. When he
got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on
sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the
members.

A few days later, she ran into some of the men on the
shopping center and the men complemented her on the speech
her husband had made.

She said: "Yes I heard. I was surprised about the subject
matter, as he has only tried it twice. The first time he
got so sore he could hardly walk and the second time he
fell off."

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Subj:     Elderly Couple Healed By TV Preacher (S235)
          From: thebartend on 7/31/2001

An elderly couple is watching one of those television
preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera
and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing
powers with everyone watching this program. Place one
hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of
your body that ails you, and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems,
so she places one hand on the television and the other
hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches
the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the
other hand on his groin.

With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about
healing the sick, not raising the dead."

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Subj:     New Pastor Comes To Visit (S181, S550b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/12/99
      and From: SCOTCOB on 8/4/2007

A Response Of Biblical Proportions

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to
visit his parishioners. All went well until he came
to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but
no one came to the door even after he had knocked several
times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation
3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his
card in the collection plate. Below his message was
notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my
voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will
dine with him, and he will with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads:
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was
afraid because I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They
still are! "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22).

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Subj:     Preacher Accused Of Being In Klan (S180, S609c)
          From: collins2 on 7/10/00
      and From: ginafm on 9/8/2008

The southern preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in
this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the
K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I
want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you not have the
nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember,
you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde
with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I
never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a
couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

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Subj:     Reverend John Fuzz Enters A Bar (S166, S346b)
          From: RFSlick on 04/03/2000
      and From: Imogenelumen on 9/18/2003

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in
a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main
Street and he happened to notice a female member of his con-
gregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend
thought this was sinful and not something a member of his
congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of
the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place
for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you
home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too
much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her.
When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the
floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend
wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up
to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy,
we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded. "Oh, well if you're that far you might
as well finish."

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Subj:     Minister's Son Wants to Drive The Car (S97, S578c)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #289 on98-12-09
      and From: tom on 2/16/2008

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with
you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little,
and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it".

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father
if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said,
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades
up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get
your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long
hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even
Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and correct me if I'm wrong,
but I believe they walked everywhere they went."

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Subj:     Elderly Man Looses His Hat (S76)
          From: thebartend on 98-07-13

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his
favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he
would go to church and swipe one from the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and
took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the
entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule
doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I want
to thank you preacher for saving mysoul today. I came to
church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon about
the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal'
changed your mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you
said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

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Subj:     Oral Roberts Dies And Meets Everyone (S02)

Oral Roberts dies and goes to heaven. As he gets to the
pearly gates, St.Peter says, "Next." He replies, "Oral
Roberts." "The Oral Roberts?" "Yes St Peter, the Oral
Roberts." St. Peter says, "Wait here a minute. I know
someone anxious to meet you." He goes away for a few
minutes and comes back with a guy on his arm. "Jesus,
this is Oral Roberts." "The Oral Roberts?" Oral says,
"Yes Lord, the Oral Roberts!" Jesus says, "Boy come with
me. I know someone that has been waiting to see you for
years." So Jesus leads him into a small room.

Over in the corner is an old man sitting in a rocking
chair. Jesus says, "Hey dad, this is Oral Roberts."

"The Oral Roberts?" Oral says in a very humble voice.

"Yes my Lord. The Oral Roberts.."

God says, "Boy I've been waiting years to see you. Could
you come over here and take a look at my knee. It's been
bothering me for years."

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Subj:     Minister Looses His Bike (S325)
          From: gheckman on 4/14/2003
          (Also see 'Murphy Tries To Steal A Hat At Mass' in CATHOLIC)

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding
to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the
bikes and talking. Then one Sunday one of the ministers was
walking. "My what happened to your bike?"

"Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

"NO!," then an idea struck him, " You want to know how to
get your bike back?"

"Yeah."

"Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten
Commandments and when you get to the part about Thout shall
not steal, just look out into the congregation and see who
looks guilty."

Well the next Sunday the minister comes riding up on his
bike. "Hey I see my suggestion worked."

"Well sort of, I was going along real good on the Ten
Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery I
remembered where I left the bike."

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Subj:     Minister's Puppies
          (Also see 'The President And The Puppies' in POLIT-CLINTON)

The minister's dog had puppies, and one of his neighbors
enquired as to as to what kind were they? Baptist! he
exclaimed. Several days later the other neighbor found
out about the puppies and went over to visit. What
beautiful puppies! What kind are they? he asked.

Episcopalian, replies the minister. About a week later
one of the neighbor's cars breaks down, so he gets a ride
to work with the other neighbor. They were discussing
the minister's new puppies, and one of them comments that
the puppies are special, because they're Baptist puppies.
The other neighbor disagrees, and said no, the minister
had told him they were Episcopalian puppies. Comparing
stories, they decide to confront the minister. When asked
as to why he had said the puppies were Baptists at first,
the minister replied that at that time their eyes were not
open yet.

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Subj:     Hard Of Hearing Member

Pity the poor pastor who was delivering his sermon when a
gentlemen in the back pew turned his head to one side, put
his hand to his ear, and said, "Louder." The preacher
raised his voice somewhat and continued with his sermon,
which was not too interesting. After a few minutes the man
said again, "Louder!" The preacher strained even more and
continued on, but by now the sermon had become quite boring.
The man said again, "Louder!" At this point a man on the
front row couldn't stand it any longer and yelled back to
the man in the rear.

"What's the matter, can't you hear?"

"No," said the man in the back.

"Well," said the man down front, "move over, I'm coming back
to join you."

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Subj:     Catching Flies With Honey

Our Pastor was teaching Proverbs 16:24: "Pleasant words are
as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones."
The minister then added, "You can catch more flies with honey
than with vinegar."

My wife leaned over, put her head on my shoulder and whispered
in my ear, "I just love to watch your muscles ripple when you
take out the garbage."

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Subj:     Baptist Minister And The Klan

Way down south, there's a Baptist minister of a large
congregation. One morning after a particularyly moving
sermon, he says, "Friends, I have been hearing nasty rumors!"
The crowd falls into an expectant silence. "One of you, my
faithful followers, has been saying that I am a member of
the Klu Klux Klan. This is not true! I am now asking that
the guilty party confessand apologize here before my flock."

Just then Sister Margaret stands up. "Preacher, I don't know
how this came to be. All I said was that you're a wizard
under the sheets."

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Subj:     The New Assistant Pastor And The Gravy Ladle (S23)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
          (See 'Mother Has Dinner At Son's Home' in Dating3)

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main
rectory; that is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to
have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young
pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and
down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more than just
a professional relationship between the pastor and the house-
keeper.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the
young priest that everything was purely professional... that
she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and
said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner
I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose he took it, do you?

The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a
letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not
saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you
did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter, and he answered
it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that
you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that
you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But the fact remains
that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy
ladle!"

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Subj:     Preacher Visits Sex Party
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #209 on 97-11-13

A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church
members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he
approached the house.

He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him,
he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving
from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing
who it was.

The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think
I'd fit in here right now."

"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three
times already!"

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Subj:     Pastor Visits Church Members
          From: auntieg on 97-12-07

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church
members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was
home, but nobody came to the door even though the
pastor knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took
out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of
it, and stuck it in the door.

Revelation 3:20 -- Behold, I stand at the door and
knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I
will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me.

The next day, the card turned up in the collection
plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation
"Genesis 3:10".

Genesis 3:10 -- I heard your voice in the garden, and I
was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.

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Subj:     Short Preacher Jokes

Top

Subj:     Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S653n)
          By Bob Thaves
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/13/2009

Source: http://comics.com/affiliate/washington_post/?ComicID=31

Click 'HERE' to see this cute cartoon on kneeling to pray.

Top
Subj: Bird Funeral (S244)
From: gheckman on 9/29/2001
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer
that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed,
they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then
dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather...and unto the Sonnn.....
and into the hole he gooooes."

Top
Subj: Boy Wants To Give Pastor Money (218)
From: kmacinty on 4/6/2001
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor,
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest
preachers we've ever had."

Top
Subj: Ministers Eat Spiked Watermelon (S185)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/19/2000
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka
had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local
ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the
clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter.

"They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

Top
Subj:     Three Boys Discuss Their Dads' Ability To Write (S181, S435)
          From: RFSlick on 7/19/00
      and From: dmswitzer1325 on 5/27/2005
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give
him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
$100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a
few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it
takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Top
Subj: Sermon On Lying (S172)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/19/00
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I
want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister
smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Top
Subj: Billy Graham Preaches In A Small Town (S121)
From: kate289 on 5/25/99
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career
when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where
the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham
thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church
this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get
to Heaven." "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."

Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim de Bakker.
Swaggart: I have a theological question: Can a prostitute
be saved?
De Bakker: Yes.
Swaggart: Would you save me one for Saturday night?

Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young
preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the
pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any
among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue
cleave to the woof of your mowf!"

Sir Isaac Newton was an ordained priest in the Church of
England.

From: igiggle on 1/13/2006 (S469b)
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance
and conscientious stupidity. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

From: DafterLafter on 10/27/2004 (S406b)
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.

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A bible wheeling Preacher from
www.bordeglobal.com

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