Subj: Fart Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 38 jokes and articles)
Popeye Cartoon
from
Animated Gifs Maniac
| >>>
Subj: Fart Jokes (Gz) (Includes 38 jokes and articles) |
|
Popeye Cartoon from Animated Gifs Maniac |
Also see CARS1 file - 'Lady
Farts While Buying Expensive Car'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Died
From Farting'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Pumping
In Thailand'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Medical
Students Diagnose Syndromes'
DRINKING - 'Lady
Prefers Sherry To Port'
......................-
'Airplane
Mechanics Get Drunk'
DRINKING_BR2 - 'Bud Lite
Sleighride'
ELDERLY1 - 'Wife
Puts Husband In Rest Home'
FACTS2 file - 'Smelling
Poop At Taco Bell'
FISHING1 file- 'Blind
Fishing Salesman'
FISHING2 file- 'Fart Fishing'
HOSPITAL1 - 'Man
Farts During Surgery'
HOSPITAL2 - 'True
Hospital Stories'
Gay file - 'Football-Pool'
GATES file - 'Bill
Gates And Farting'
GHOST file - 'Drunk
Walks Past Hospital'
NUDIST file - 'New
Nudist At Colony'
NUN2 file - 'A
Nun Flies To Chicago'
PILOT file - 'Pilot
School On Sublimation'
POLIT-BUSH - 'Bush
Meets The Queen'
WOMEN-SUPP - 'Single
Women Sign'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Toot Tone - Movie (S481c)
From: darrell94590 on 4/11/2006 |
 |
This 5,600 KB, WMV movie is pure,
male, juvenile, farting humor.
You fellow lowlifes can view
it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Chili
Farts (S590b)
From: gordonschuk on 5/1/2008
I went grocery shopping recently
while not being altogether
sure that course of action was
a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had prepared
and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'You're
definitely going to $h!t
yourself' chili. Tasty
stuff, albeit hot to the point of
being painful, which comes with
a written guarantee from me
that if you eat the next day
Both of your ***** cheeks WILL
fall off.
Here's the thing. I had
awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of Coffee (and
all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened. No 'Watson's
Movement 2'. Despite
habanera peppers swimming their
way through my intestinal
tract, I appeared to be unable
to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next
door neighbors as thunder
and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning
had to come, yet not sure
of just when, I bravely set
off for the market; a local Wal-
Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty
tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first
all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing
it about, dropping items
in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end
of the store from the restrooms
that the pain hit me. Oh,
don't look at me like you don't
know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh oh,
gotta go' pain that always
seems to hit us at the wrong
time. The thing is, this pain
was different.
The habaneras in the chili from
the night before were staging
a revolt. In a mad rush
for freedom they bullied their way
through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the
large intestines, and before
I could take one step in the
direction of the restrooms which
would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers
fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice
and baking aisle, suddenly
enveloped in a Noxious cloud
the likes of which has never
before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that
more of this vile odor might
escape me. Slowly, oh so
slowly, the pressure seemed
to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up
the aisle and out of it, just
as an elderly woman turned into
it.
I don't know what made me do
it, but I stopped to see what
her reaction would be to the
malodorous effluvium that
refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two
different directions
emotionally? Here's what
I mean, and I'm sure some of you
at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman
but didn't. I simply
watched as she walked into an
invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all she
could do before gathering her
senses and running, was to
stand there blinking and waving
her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry
bees. This, of course,
made me feel terrible, but then
made me laugh. MISTAKE!
Here's the thing. When
you laugh, it's hard to keep
things 'clamped down', if you
know what I mean. With each
new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether
region. Some were so loud
and echoing that I was later
told a Few folks in other aisles
had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store
and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer
funny. IT was coming, and
I raced off through the store
towards the restrooms,
laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make
it before the grand mal assplosion
took place.
Luck was on my side. Just
in the nick of time I got to
the john, began the Inevitable
'Oh my God', floating above
the toilet seat because my ***
is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while
I was in the middle of
what is the true meaning of
'Shock and Awe'. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly
said, 'Sonofabitch!', then
quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom,
reacquired my partially
filled cart intending to carry
on with my shopping when a
store employee approached me
and said, 'Sir, you might
want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some
prankster set off a stink bomb
in the store. The manager
is going to run the vent fans
on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of
the problem.'
That of course set me off again,
causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee
took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me
in an accusing manner shouted,
'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with
the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from
the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped,
I realized that there
was nothing good to eat but
leftover chili, so I consumed
two more bowls. The next
day I went to shop at
Albertson's. I can't say
anymore about that because we
are in court over the whole
matter.
Bastards claim they're going
to have to repaint the store.
\\\//
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Subj: Poem
- All About Farts (S462b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/1/2005
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their
faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!
\\\//
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Subj: Ole
Buys Cow In Nordakota (S314, S519)
From: FrankRoesch on 2/2/2003
Ole and Sven are neighbors in
Minnesota. Ole is in need of
a new milk cow and hears about
a nice one for sale over in
Nordakota (that would be 'North
Dakota' for you
non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised.
He looks at the farmer who is
selling the cow, then reaches
under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls,
and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so
after some discussion with the
cow's current owner, Ole
decides to buy the cow and take
it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota,
he calls over Sven, and says,
"Hey, Sven, come and look at
dis her new cow I yust bought.
Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under,
pulls the teat... and the cow
farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, "You
bought dis here cow in
Nordakota, didn't yah?
Ole is very surprised since he
hadn't told Sven about his
trip.
Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Farter From Sparta (S282)
From: dogbyte on 6/28/2002
There was a young fellow from
Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength
of one bean
He'd fart "God
Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like
a flute,
Like a lark, like
a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from
Sparta,
His fart for no money would
barter.
He could roar from
his rear
Any scene from
Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics
finer,
As he showed me one day in the
diner.
I had a bagel with
lox
while he played
from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on
his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum
tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas
Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the
Toccata,
He'd boom from
his ass
Bach's B-Minor
Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named
Bager,
He'd proceeded
to fart
The complete oboe
part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His reportoire ranged from classics
to jazz,
He achieved new effects with
bubbles of gas.
With a good dose
of salts
He could whistle
a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre
so rare
He rendered quite often, with
power to spare.
But his great work
of art,
His fortissimo
fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could
dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful
form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with
a smile,
Then, feeling quite
jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts
all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one
bit,
Then, with his
ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of
shit.
His bunghole was blown back to
Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of
our farter,
With a gravestone
of turds
Inscribed with
the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting,
A Martyr."
\\\//
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Subj: Fart
Football (S275c, S496c)
From: gheckman on 12/6/2001
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/26/2006
An old man and his wife have
gone to bed. After laying
there a few minutes the old
man farts and says, "Seven
Points."
His wife rolls over and says,
"What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart
football."
A few minutes later the wife
lets one go and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old
man farts again and says, "Touchdown,
I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips
another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets
out a squeaker and says, "Field
goal, lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressures on and the
old man refuses to get
beat by a woman, so he strains
real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it
everything he has but instead
of farting he craps the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What
was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time,
switch sides."
\\\//
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Subj: Kids
are a Gas! (S165, S514)
From: zeise on 2/18/00
and
From: darrell94590 on 11/26/2006
(Also see 'Smelling
Poop At Taco Bell' in Facts2)
Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times?
I hope you remember my story
when they start getting
frustrated.
My three year old son had a lot
of problems with potty
training, and I was on his case
constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was
very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my
taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven
month old daughter, and
she was clean. Then I
realized that Matt had not asked
to go potty in a while, so I
asked him, and he said "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident
and I don't have any clothes
with me." Then I said, "Matt,
are you sure you did not have
an accident?"
"No," he replied, but I knew
that he must have, because
the smell was getting worse.
Soo.........
I asked one more time, "Matt,
did you have an accident?"
This time, with a little smirk
on his face, he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent
over and spread his cheeks and
yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
GAS!!" While 100 people
nearly choked to death on their
tacos, he calmly pulled up
his pants and sat down to eat
his food as if nothing
happened.
I was mortified, but some kind
elderly people made me feel
a lot better, when they came
over and thanked me for the
best laugh they had ever had.
Another old gentleman stopped
us in the parking lot as we
were leaving, bent over to my
son and said, "Don't worry
son, my wife accuses me of the
same thing all the time. I
just never had the nerve to
make the point like you did."
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Woman Share An Elevator (S285b)
From: thebartend on 7/6/99
and
From: coreymac on 7/13/2002
An old woman is riding in an
elevator in a very lavish New
York City Building, when a young
and beautiful woman gets
into the elevator, smelling
of expensive perfume. She
turns to the old woman and says
arrogantly, "Romance" by
Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful
woman gets on the elevator,
and also very arrogantly turns
to the old woman saying,
"Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the
old woman has reached her
destination and is about to
get off the elevator. Before
she leaves, she looks both beautiful
women in the eye, then
bends over and farts and says
... "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Three Woman Share An Elevator II (S493)
From: darrell94590 on 7/5/2006 |
Cute SWF movie. You can
view it at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Hillary
And Janet Girl Talk (S98)
From: thebartend on 98-12-11
First Lady Hillary Clinton and
Attorney General Janet Reno
were having one of those girl
to girl talks............
Hillary says to Janet, "You're
lucky that you don't have
to put up with men having sex
with you. I have to put up
with Bill....and there's no
telling where he last had his
pecker."
Janet responded..."Just because
I am esthetically challenged
(that's "politically correct"
for ugly), doesn't mean I don't
have to fight off unwelcome
sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet says, "Whenever I feel
that a guy's getting ready to
make a pass me, I muster all
my might and squeeze out the
loudest, nastiest fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already
in bed with the lights
out when Hillary headed to bed.
She could hear him start
to stir, and knew that he would
be wanting some action.
She had been saving her farts
all day, and was ready for
him.....so, she tensed up her
butt cheeks and forced
out the most disgusting sounding
fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and asks, "That you Janet?"
\\\//
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Subj: Device
Reduces Flatulence Odor (S77)
From: smiles on 98-07-18
NEW YORK, Jul 16, 1998 (Reuters)
-- A polyurethane foam
cushion coated with activated
charcoal can help people who
suffer from flatulence by absorbing
offensive odors,
according to US researchers.
The device, known as the "Toot
Trapper" eliminated over 90%
of the odor generated by study
volunteers whose diets had
been supplemented with pinto
beans and lactulose, which
enhance flatus output and produces
the gas hydrogen
sulphide.
Hydrogen sulphide is one of several
sulphur-containing
gases that have been found to
cause the odor associated
with flatulence.
"The charcoal-lined cushion effectively
limits the escape
of these sulphur-containing
gases into the environment,"
write F.L. Suarez and colleagues
of the Minneapolis
Veterans Affairs Medical Center,
Minnesota, in a report
in the journal Gut, published
by the British Medical
Association.
Study subjects ate 200 grams
of pinto beans on the night
before the study plus 15 grams
of lactulose 2 hours before
gas collections. Researchers
collected flatus via rectal
tubes from 16 healthy subjects
age 18 to 47 with no
history of gastrointestinal
disease or antibiotic use
(which can disrupt gut bacteria)
for the preceding 3
months.
The concentrations of sulphur-containing
gases were
correlated with odor intensity
assessed by two judges.
Odor intensity was also determined
after treatment of
flatus samples with zinc acetate
or activated charcoal.
Gas tight pantaloons were also
used in the study to
assess the ability of a charcoal-lined
cushion to absorb
sulphur-containing gases.
Study results showed that the
main sulphur-containing gas
was indeed hydrogen sulphide,
and that the strength of
odor correlated with hydrogen
sulfide concentration.
Zinc acetate was found to reduce
sulphur gas content, but
the researchers found that activated
charcoal was more
effective in eliminating odor
caused by the gas.
"The demonstration that activated
charcoal and zinc remove
sulphur gases and eliminate
the offensive odour of flatus
suggests that these products,
used either internally or
externally (around the anus),
could have therapeutic
potential for individuals suffering
from excessive
offensive rectal gas," the authors
conclude.
According to the report, the
Toot Trapper, a foam cushion
with a coating of charcoal on
one side, is manufactured by
UltraTech Products, based in
Houston, Texas.
The researchers also report that
women have a higher
concentration of hydrogen sulphide
in flatus "and a
greater odour intensity" than
men. "However, men tended
to pass higher volumes of gas
than did women. As a result,
the volume of sulphur gases
(in flatus)... did not differ
between men and women," they
note.
SOURCE: Gut 1998;43:100-104.
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Subj: Old
Lady Sees Doctor About Farting (S71, S433)
From: auntieg on 98-06-06
A little old lady goes to the
doctor and says, "Doctor I
have this problem with gas,
but it really doesn't bother me
too much. My flatulence
never smells and it is always
silent. As a matter of
fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your
office.
You didn't know I was farting
because they don't smell and
are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take
these pills and come back to
see me next week."
The next week the lady comes
back. "Doctor," she says, "I
don't know what the hell you
gave me, but now my farts...
although still silent...stink
terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now
that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your
hearing."
\\\//
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Subj: A Man
Who Loved Beans (S38, S573b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #222 on 97-10-15
and
From: rfslick on 1/11/2008
Once upon a time there lived
a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans.
He loved them, he adored them,
he yearned for them. But
they always caused him a great
deal of embarrassment shortly
after eating them. The
reaction of his body to the
beans was swift and terrible
to behold.
One day he met a girl and fell
in love. When it became
apparent that they would marry,
he realized she might be
even more embarrassed and humiliated
by his addiction to
baked beans. He decided
to make the supreme sacrifice and
give up his beloved baked beans.
A short time later they
were married.
Some months later, on his way
home from work, his car
broke down. He was not
too far from home so he decided to
leave the car and walk the rest
of the way. He passed a
small roadside cafe and decided
to call his wife and tell
her that he would be late for
supper. As he entered the
cafe, the smell of baked beans
over him. After calling
his wife he ordered a bowl of
beans. The beans tasted
better than any he had ever
eaten, so he had a second bowl
and a third and a fourth until
he passed gass. Like a
drunk who just fell off the
wagon, he knew he was in
trouble. After leaving
the cafe he walked home real
slowly.
The farts came often and with
a terrible oder. The
closer to home, the frequency
and forcefulness diminished
greatly, and he felt reasonably
safe.
Just as he reached his home,
however, he felt a great
rumbling inside and was seized
with a terrible urgency.
As he waited just outside his
front door to release one
last effort, his wife threw
open the door. She excitedly
exclaimed, "Darling, I have
made the most wonderful
surprise dinner for you."
She blindfolded him and led him
to his chair at the head of
the table. Just as she was
ready to remove the blindfold,
the phone rang. She made
him promise not to peek until
she returned and went to
answer the phone.
When she had gone, he seized
the opportunity, shifted his
weight to one leg and loudly
broke wind. It was not only
loud, but as ripe as a rotten
egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he took his napkin
and began to fan the air
about him. He just started
feeling better when he felt
another urge. He again
raised one leg and let her rip.
It sounded like a tuba and smelled
so bad that he started
gagging. He fanned until
his arms ached. Things had just
about returned to normal when
he felt another powerful
urge. He shifted his weight
to the other leg and let go.
This was the prize-winner.
The windows rattled, the
dishes on the table shook and
a minute later the flowers
on the table were dead.
While keeping one ear on the
conversation in the hallway,
he continued like this for the
next 15 or 20 minutes,
fanning away each time with
his napkin. When the sounds
of farewells indicated the end
of the telephone conver-
sation, he neatly laid his napkin
in his lap and folded
his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture of innocence when his
wife returned to the room.
Apologizing for talking so long,
she asked if he had
peeked. After assuring
her that he had not, she removed
the blindfold, revealing the
dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday
party!
\\\//
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Subj: The
Priest Breaks Wind (S150, S509)
From: KMacinty on 12/13/1999
and
From: vaterbenicia on 10/23/2006
The local priest goes over to
an old parishoner's house for
a chat and a cup of tea.
He's there for half an hour when
he has a huge need to fart.
Luckily he notices that the
old guy's dog has come over
and is lying under his chair.
Maybe, he figures, the old guy
will think the dog farted.
He sneaks out a fart and soon
a horrible smell filles the
room.
"Rover!!", yells the old man.
"Get out of there you stupid
dog!!!"
The dog runs out and the priest
is relieved. About five
minutes later the dog returns
and not long after that the
priest has to fart again.
He lets another one go. It's
one of those thick smelly ones
that seem to cling to the
curtains.
"Rover!!! You stupid dog!!!
Get out from there!!!" yells
the old guy and the dog takes
off.
About five minutes later the
priest has to fart again. He
holds on for about ten minutes
until the dog returns and
lies under his chair again.
Again he lets go a fart that
would bring tears to your eyes.
"ROVER!!!!". yells the old bloke,
"YOU STUPID DOG!!!! GET
OUT FROM UNDER THERE BEFORE
HE SHITS ON YOU!!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Life
In A Fish Bowl (S489)
From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Farting
Your Guts Out (S220)
From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
and
From: gheckman on 3/14/2001
There was an old
married couple that had happily lived
together for nearly forty years.
The only friction in their
marriage was caused by the husband's
habit of breaking wind
nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always
wake up his wife and the smell
would cause her eyes to water
as she would choke and gasp
for air.
Nearly every morning
she would plead with him to stop
ripping one in the morning.
He told her that he couldn't
help it. She begged him
to see a doctor to see if anything
could be done but the husband
wouldn't hear of it. He told
her that it was just a natural
bodily function and then he
would laugh in her face as she
tried to wave the fumes away
with her hands. She told
him that there was nothing natural
about it and if he didn't stop,
he was one day going to "fart
his guts out".
The years went by
and the wife continued to suffer and the
husband continued to ignore
her warnings about "farting his
guts out" until one Thanksgiving
morning. Before dawn, the
wife went downstairs to prepare
the family feast. She fixed
pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes,
gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the
turkey's innards, a thought
occurred to the wife as to how
she might solve her husband's
problem.
With a devilish
grin on her face, she placed the turkey
guts into a bowl and quietly
walked upstairs hours before her
flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly
asleep, she pulled back the
covers and then gently pulled
back her husband's jockey shorts.
She then placed all of the
turkey guts into her husband's
underwear, pulled them up,
replaced the covers and tiptoed
back downstairs to finish
preparing the family meal.
Several hours later
she heard her husband awake with his
normal loud ass-trumpeting.
This was soon followed by a
blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as
her husband ran to the upstairs
bathroom.
The wife could not
control herself and her eyes began to
tear up as she rolled on the
floor laughing. After years of
putting up with him she had
finally gotten even. About
twenty minutes later, her husband
came downstairs in his
blood stained underpants with
a look of horror in his eyes.
She bit her lip to keep from
laughing and she asked him what
was the matter.
He said, "Honey,
you were right - all those years you
warned me and I didn't listen
to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always
told me that I would end up farting my
guts out one of these days and
today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and
these two fingers, I think I
got 'em all back in."
\\\//
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Subj: International
Fart Glossary
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187
"Old Faithful" - Mostly a smelly
one. Stays with his creator
for a long time. It occurs
when you enter a restaurant/
meeting/church/party/etc.
You deflate outside, enter the
location and right in the moment
when you greet the most
important person/most beautiful
woman in the group, it´s
right there to do its job.
"Between the Sheets" - Mostly
harmless if you are alone,
great fun if you can share it
with someone. Develops its
full potential under the cover
and is released by a
"random" move. Watch that it
exits towards other person.
Under all circumstances hold
back enjoyment until released.
"The Getaway" - It just simply
slips out. You don´t feel
it coming, you don´t have
to, all of a sudden it´s there.
No smell, no extreme noise,
just a little, mean "pfffrrrt".
Occurs when you bend down, kneel
down, carry heavy, sneeze
(double audio pleasure), blow
your nose (mean sucker, because
YOU don´t here or feel
it yourself). If it happens to you,
just act normally as if nothing
has happened.
"Pathfinder" - Sits in the tubes
just waiting for some room
to move (Or in football-terms:
He is looking for daylight).
Happens when you burp, pee or
deliver some clay at the
porcelane throne.
"Double trouble" - Extreme noise
and violent smell, but
would kill you if holded back.
High pressure, no chance
of interrupting. Most
of the time happens in public, e.g.
public toilets (more volume)
or at somebody elses bathroom
during dinner, so that when
you come back the women can´t
look at you and the guys laugh.
"Pretender" - Comes in two flavours
"Sound" or "Smell".
You feel it coming. You
are in public. You give it a test
shot to monitor its behaviour
(sound or smell). It is
perfectly ok. You open all valves
and he shows his real
face. Big trouble.
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Eskimos Brag (S39)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 20 Oct 97
There were three Eskimos in Alaska,
and one time while they
were at their local bar, they
got to talking about how cold
it was outside, and how cold
their igloos were. They could
agree on everything but whose
igloo was the coldest, so
they decided to determine who
indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's
igloo, where he said "Watch
this!" and poured a cup of water
into the air. Well, the
water froze in mid-air and fell
onto the floor solid. "Not
bad", said the other Eskimos,
but each maintained their
igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's
igloo, and he said "Watch
this!" and took a big breath
and exhaled, whereupon his
breath froze into a big lump
and fell to the floor. "Wow,
that's colder than mine!" said
the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed
his was colder still. So
they ended up at the third Eskimo's
igloo. He said "Watch
this!" and went into the bedroom,
threw back the thick
furs, and retrieved one of several
small balls of ice
there. He took it, put
it in a spoon, and held a match
under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Farting Jokes
| Subj:
The Ring Of Fire (S579c)
From: gordonschuk on 2/20/2008 (See 'Vince Mira Sings Ring Of Fire' in Music-Supp |
 |
 |
Subj:
Tooted In The Tub (S536b)
From: SCOTCOB on 4/27/2007 |
| Subj:
Bed Farts (S530c)
From: Chewy Central on 3/16,2007 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Bad Timing (S495b)
From: darrell94590 on 7/20/2006 |
| Subj:
Farting Dog Harmonics (S491c)
From: Life Is A Joke on 6/19/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Fart Within The Matrix (S483)
From: BoreMe.com on 4/27/2006 |
Top
Subj: Silent
Fart (S469b)
From: Dickschu on 1/24/2006
An elderly couple was attending
church services. About
halfway through the service
she leans over and says, "I
just had a silent fart what
do you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery
in your hearing aid."
| Subj:
Don't Hold Farts In (S432)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/6/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Scratch
& Sniff Webpage (S324b)
From: JOELFALLON on 4/14/2003
The first Scratch & Siniff
Webpage
http://www.slabearkazad.com/sniff/
Top
Subj: Fart
Artiste (S298b)
From: jerry on 10/13/2002
Paul Oldfield of the UK, a self-proclaimed
"fart artiste"
who goes by the name "Mr. Methane"
and who makes a living
playing tunes from his butt
says he is sick of people
blaming him for increasing greenhouse
gases. To "balance
out the damage" he has switched
from using gas and coal-
based power in his home to wind
power.
Wireless News Flash 10-Oct-02
Top
Subj: Star
Trek's Gaseous Cloud (S253b)
From: jerry on 11/28/2001
"Let me tell you what's so outrageous
- why would he assume
it's me and not Leonard?"
Comment made by William Shatner
("Captain Kirk" ) on the Howard
Stern radio show when asked
about the apparent sound of
someone breaking wind during a
videotaped interview between
himself and Leonard Nimoy ("Mr.
Spock") and the assertion of
Adam Buckman, a columnist for
the NY Post, that he was the
one who had the gas experience.
And what says Adam Buckman?
"No matter what William Shatner
says, I stand by my story -
only not too closely."
NY Post 21-Nov-01
Top
Subj: Sometimes
You Will... (S239b, S488b)
From: KMACINTY on 8/28/2001
and
From: jbcary1 on 6/1/2006
Sometimes you will cry
and no one will see your tears...
Sometimes you will laugh
and no one will see you smile...
Sometimes you will fear
and no one will see you shudder...
Sometimes you will lie
and no one will catch you up...
Sometimes you will fall
and no one sees you struggle...
Sometimes you will be late
and no one seems to notice...
But fart just one time
and everybody knows!!
Top
Subj: Woman
Explodes During Operation (S161)
From: KMacinty on 12/14/1999
An operation at Nottingham hospital
in January 1989 ended
prematurely when the patient
exploded. The casualty, an
82-year-old woman, was undergoing
electrosurgery for cancer.
The blast was attributed to
an unusual build-up of stomach
gases ignited by the sparks.
What common everyday occurrence
is composed of 59% nitrogen,
21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
A fart.
From: humorlist-digest V1 #200 on 97-09-17
Everyone farts, admit it or
not. Kings fart, queens fart. Edward
Lear, the 19th century English
landscape painter, wrote
affectionately of a favorite
Duchess who gave enormous dinner
parties attended by the cream
of society.
One night she let out a ripper
and quick as a flash she turned
her gaze to her stoic butler,
standing, as always, behind her.
"Hawkins!" she cried, "Stop that!"
"Certainly, your Grace", he replied
with unhurried dignity,
"Which way did it go?"
From: humorlist-digest V2 #218 on 98-09-15
I don't think passing gas would
be as funny if it were just
the sound or just the smell.
It's the *combination* that
makes it funny.
Q: What do you call a guy who
never farts in public?
A: A private tutor. --
Eric Prestel
From: dogbyte on 8/30/2001 (S240)
People who say that they don't
fart are...
probably full of hot air.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178
Q: Why do men fart more than
women?
A: Because women won't shut
up long enough
to build up pressure.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Beverage
From A Foreign Country (S376b)
From: drgolfmd on 4/9/2004
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\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Smiley Farts from
Smiley_Central |