Subj: Jokes About Fucking (Gz)
(Includes 11 jokes and articles)
Sexy Dancer from
Animated GIF Archive
| >>>
Subj: Jokes About Fucking (Gz) (Includes 11 jokes and articles) |
|
Sexy Dancer from Animated GIF Archive |
Also see CARS2 file - 'Guy
Gets Help During Car Sex'
COWS_SHEEP - 'Stud
Bulls At The State Fair'
FACTS3 file - 'Faux Cue'
FACTS5 file - 'African's
Thoughts on Condoms And Aids'
ITALIAN file - 'French,
Italian, And American Discuss Sex W/Wives'
JOBS1 file - 'Pickle
Factory Worker Fired'
JOB-STUFF - 'Sales
Methods'
MARRIAGE2 - 'Husband
To Die Tonight'
MOVIE_ETC-SUP- 'Playing
Your Trumpet In A Movie'
RATS-MICE - 'Sex
Maniac Mouse'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Sheep
Lovers - Cartoon'
THANKSGIVING - 'Learning
Dirty Words On Thanksgiving'
WORD JOKES1 - 'The Meaning
Of Service'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word (S547)
From: rfslick on 7/4/2007 |
 |
This 3,300 KB movie describes
our most versatile word
in the English language.
You can watch it on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: FUCK!
Our Most Versatile Word (S281)
From: dogbyte on 6/18/2002
(See 'Shit Is A Powerful Word' in
SHIT)
Our most versatile word.
By its stress and inflection it
can describe many emotions.
It can be used as a noun (I
don't give a fuck), as an objective
(it's fucked), as a
verb in it's transitive form
(the game was fucked up by
the weather), and it's intransitive
form (I'll be fucked),
in the present tense (I'm fucked),
in the past tense (I
was fucked).
It can be an an adverb (Mary
is fucking interested in
John). It can also be
used as an adjective(Mary is fucking
beautiful) or an interjection
(Fuck! I'm late for my date
with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction
(Mary is easy, fuck
she's also stupid). As you can
see, there are very few
words with the overall versatility
of the word "fuck".
Many everyday expresions show it's true versatility ...
Denial
I didn't fucking do it
Perplexity
I know fuck all about it
Apathy
Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
Greetings
How the fuck are you
Resignation
Oh fuck it
Derision
He fucks everything up
Suspicion
Who the fuck are you
Panic
Let's get the fuck out of here
Directions
Fuck off
Disbelief
How the fuck did you do that
Fraud
I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble
I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression
FUCK YOU!
Disgust
Fuck me.
Confusion
What the fuck.......?
Difficulty
I don't understand this fucking business!
Despair
Fucked again...
Pleasure
I fucking couldn't be happier.
Displeasure
What the fuck is going on here?
Lost
Where the fuck are we.
Disbelief
UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!
Retaliation
Up your fucking ass!
The word has been used throughout
history by many famous
people. Some of the more
notable quotations are:
What the fuck was that
-- The Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all the fucking Indians
-- General Custer
Where's all that fucking water
come from
-- Noah
Any fucker can understand that
-- Einstien
It fucking looks like her
-- Picasso
Where the fuck are we
-- Christopher Columbus
I'm forever blowing bubbles
-- Michael Jackson
How the fuck do you work that
out
-- Pythagarus
You want what on the fucking
ceiling
-- Michael Angelo
Fuck a duck
-- Walt Disney
Why? Because it's fucking there
-- Sir Edmond Hillary
I don't suppose it's fucking
raining
-- Joan of Arc
I didn't want to fucking go
anyway
-- Sebastian Coe
I haven't got a fucking clue
-- Miss Marples
Scattered showers my fucking
arse
-- Noah
She wants how much fucking money?!?!?
-- Donald Trump
Look! Almost every fucking
kernel popped!
-- Orville Reddenbacher
We'll fucking smoke those fuckers
out of their fucking caves!
-- George W. Bush
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: FUCK!
Our Most Versatile Word (S492)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/29/2006
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19961207
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Couple
Shares Bed w/Friend (S244)
From: dogbyte on 9/29/2001
A couple has a male friend who's
visiting from out-of-state,
when an unexpected blizzard
blows in, and keeps him from
traveling. Since the couple
has no guest room, he states
his intention to find a nearby
hotel, and be on his way in
the morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our
bed is plenty big enough
for all three of us, and we're
all friends here." The
husband concurs, and before
long they're settled in:
husband in the middle, wife
on his left, friend on his
right.
After a while, the husband begins
snoring, and the wife
sneaks over to the friend's
side of the bed, and invites
him to have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but
he's reluctant. "We're in the
same bed with your husband!
He'll wake up, and he'll kill
me."
"Don't worry about it," she says,
"he's such a sound
sleeper, he'll never notice.
If you don't believe me,
just yank a hair off of his
ass. He won't even wake up."
So the friend yanks a hair off
the husband's anus, and
sure enough, she's right.
Her husband sleeps right
through having a hair yanked
out of his ass. So, she
and the friend have sex, and
then she goes back to her
side of the bed.
After about twenty minutes, though,
she's back on his
side of the bed, asking him
to do it again. The same
argument follows, another hair
is yanked from the
husband's corn hole, and again
they have sex. This
keeps up for about half the
night, until after about
the sixth time, when the wife
goes back to her side.
Then the husband rolls over,
and whispers to his friend,
"I don't mind that you're shagging
my wife, but do you
really have to use my asshole
as your scoreboard?"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Word
Exchange
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
I was sitting through a back-to-school
night presentation
on "Some Tips For Reading Aloud
With Your Child", and to
keep my mind awake, I noticed
that if you changed the
words:
reading aloud -> fucking
child
-> partner
book
-> position
word
-> body part
it becomes a sex manual! I present for your edification...
SOME TIPS FOR FUCKING WITH YOUR PARTNER
1. Try to set a regular time
for fucking. This might be
before school or
before bedtime.
2. Select positions that are
appropriate for the age and
interest of your
partner. Start with picture positions
and build to story
positions and novels.
3. Involve your partner in the
fucking by asking him or
her to predict
what will happen next, chime in on
repetitive phrases,
say a body part he or she knows,
or link the picture
to the position.
4. Engage in discussions about
the positions and talk
about the meaning
of some body parts your partner is
interested in.
5. From time to time, choose
positions to fuck with your
partner that he
or she cannot fuck.
6. Use lots of expression when
you fuck. Be dramatic when
you fuck and make
the position come to life.
7. Change the pace of your fucking
to match the position.
If there is suspense
in the position, slow down the
fucking to build
the suspense. If there is a lot of
action in a part
of the fucking, increase the pace for
effect.
8. Don't fuck too fast.
9. Let your partner see you fucking
for pleasure at times
other than when
fucking together. Share what you are
fucking with your
partner.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: The
Dr. Seuss Purity Test (S191)
If you've been on the internet
for long, you've invariably
seen one of the many "Purity
Tests" that circulate around
the net, especially around the
.edu sites. Here, for you,
is one of the most interesting
I've seen ...
The Dr. Seuss Purity Test
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it up a mile?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s,
pray this number never grows.
Fifty questions we asked thee,
score times two is thy Purity.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Famous
Fucking Quotes (S191)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
and
From: CHRISDADDYG on 9/26/00
"What the fuck was that?"
-- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking
Indians come from?"
-- General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this
water coming from?"
-- Captain of the
Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
-- John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
-- Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking
roll." -- Anne Boleyn
"Any fucking idiot could understand
that."
-- Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like
her!" -- Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that
out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking
ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." -- Walt
Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
-- Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking
rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my
ass." -- Noah
"I need this parade like I need
a fucking hole in my head."
-- John F. Kennedy
"Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is
going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: How
To Get Laid (S42)
From HumourNet on 04/08/97
The following piece is an article
pirated from a
1986 issue of Virginia Polytechnic's
"Duckberg Times."
-----
Final Update's GUY PAGE:
"All About Cars and Baseball"
This issue's GUY PAGE is gonna
be about baseball and fixing
cars and stuff, so you girls
can go on ahead to the next
section, okay?
Are they gone? Good. This issue's topic is HOW TO GET LAID.
Whenever I venture into the wilds
of Virginia or Maryland,
hordes of wahoos inevitably
descend upon me and ask, "Hey
Buttface, where can we get us
some poontang?" Glancing
nervously around at their power
tools and tobacco-stained
pink skin, I answer, "Come to
Washington!" And it's true.
There are so many women in Washington
even the Elephant
Boy could get laid! Willing
sex-starved nymphettes are
waiting for you to cut through
the games and the bullshit
and RUB UP AGAINST THEM NAKED!
Even if you are hung like
a hamster and have never cracked
the "60-second barrier,"
you can now be thrashing about
on the exposed parts of
nubile coeds and yelling "Woo
Woo!" whenever you feel
like it! Daily! Hourly! Just
study these simple
instructions and you'll be on
your way to sexual bliss.
1. YOU HAVE TO GO WHERE THE WOMEN
ARE. Face it. You're
not going to get the main vein
drained hanging around
the Asteroids machine at the
7-11. You will have to get
invited to parties, or else
go to bars where women
congregate. Bars with
live bands are best, because you
won't have to talk much.
Check the papers for the new-
wave bars, and for bars near
area campuses. Then go to
these bars and check them out.
Get the feel of the
places. Adjust your mindset
to suit your surroundings.
What kind of people arc there?
Is it all fat guys in
leisure suits with white shoes
and belts? Or is it
filled with gangs of lust-filled
trollops trolling for
trouser trout? This is
what you want. As soon as you
find a bar like this, stop looking.
This is now your
bar. Get to know the waitresses
and bartenders. Tip
big so they will pretend to
like you. Memorize their
names. Make sure they
know yours. Work at this. Your
job now is to lay down the seeds
that will make you
look like a neat guy later,
when it counts. Your
eventual goal is to be able
to walk into the bar and
have everybody who works there
turn around and yell
"Hi! (your name here)."
This is remarkably effective
in creating interest among the
empty-headed bimbos
you are trying to attract.
2. LEARN TO MAKE SMALL TALK.
As the guy, you will be
expected to instigate the conversation.
You have to
come up with some ice-breaking
lines. Ask her if she
likes the band, or would like
to dance. However, if
you are what is known as a "human
boner" on the dance
floor, forget dancing.
Lying can be a very useful
tool then: Tell her she'd be
perfect in the movie you
are casting. Tell her
you'd like her opinion on what
type of luxury car you should
buy. You want to come
across as someone who has gotten
rich in an artistic
field.
You should be warned here that
no matter how slick
your opening lines are, there
are some women who live
for the chance to verbally chop
off a guy's nuts with
a well-timed put-down. So be
prepared. Women can smell
fear on a guy like dogs do.
The correct response to
a woman like this is to chortle
knowingly, and amble
away. Practice your chortling
and ambling. You have
to think like "Thats the dumbest
move SHE ever made!"
Got the idea?
Opening lines are like resumes.
You don't want to use
any buzz words that are gonna
shoot you down before you
get the interview. Ask
her lots of questions about
herself. Most girls love
to tell their life stories,
and this will keep the heat
off you. As she talks, try
and adjust yourself to her karmal
wavelength. Modulate
your voice to her tone and pace
of speech. This will
make you seem like more her
kind of guy. Sure it's
insidious, but this is no time
to develop a conscience.
Remember, your goal here is
to have the sperm in your
body removed by someone else.
If she asks about you,
subtle innuendoes alluding to
vast worlds beyond her
comprehension are all you want
to convey. If you have
a shit job, make up another
one.
Also, smile a lot. This must
be an honest looking smile,
not a smile telegraphing your
bowel problems. Give her
your best fake laughter if she
makes a joke. Defer to
her expertise on idiotic subjects.
If you see her interest start
to wane, or see her
scanning the room for other
guys, moan and rub your
back, and tell her you hurt
yourself falling out of bed
last night. When she asks
how--and she will--explain
you were sleeping on your side
and got a hard-on. Then
lick your eyebrows suggestively.
3. DO NOT GET REAL DRUNK EARLY.
It may seem obvious to
you, but it took me ten years
to learn that women don't
think it's all that attractive
when a guy drools all
over himself and falls into
things. Two or three drinks
to loosen you up is okay, but
resist the urge to drink
yourself into another dimension.
Buy her $20 drinks
with palm trees in them, but
you have to learn to nurse
_your_ drinks. If there
aren't any women around, or
nothing looks promising, then
you can get blotto if you
wanna. Better yet, go
to a different bar, where you'll
be fresh meat for the sex-starved
she-vixens who have
already checked out the other
creeps in the place and
want... want... well, they don't
exactly know WHAT they
want, but a boffing from a stranger
will keep their
minds occupied for a while.
4. CLOSING THE DEAL. If you keep
this up, sooner or later
you are bound to find a woman
horny enough to stick around
and give signs that she is interested.
Now you have to
get her out of there.
If the showpiece of your apartment
is your Hustler collection,
and there are underwear stuck
to the ceiling, or if you are
living at a KOA, you will
have to talk her into taking
you back to her place. If
your place is nice, you're in
good shape. Invite her
over for a drink and to listen
to some CDs. But frankly,
if you are the typical "Final
Update" reader you better
try and get her back to her
place. Have a bottle of some
sissy French wine in your car
and tell her you want her
to try it because your dad owns
the vineyard.
Once you're at her place, open
the booze and make sure
she drinks some. Be cool.
Do NOT bellow like a moose
and do the Philly Dog.
This comes later. Sit on the
couch with her, then get up,
and when you come back sit
closer to her. Do this
two or three times, always
getting closer. Touch
her and pretend not to notice.
Finally, when she's facing you
and there's a lull in the
conversation, lean forward and
kiss her. If she doesn't
scream, you've got it made.
Try to think of baseball,
you'll last longer.
FU SEX TIP: You must cuddle for
a while after you are
done wanting to. Try to
disguise your shudders of
revulsion.
THE AFTERMATH
Once you have succeeded, one of four things can happen.
1. YOU LIKE HER--SHE LlKES YOU:
You will wake up and feel
better than you have ever felt
before. You will stop and
appreciate things you used to
ignore, like flowers and
birds singing. She'll
be very attentive, and you'll agree
to see each other the following
night, and make plans for
the weekend. In all honesty,
this is about a million-to-
one shot.
2. YOU LIKE HER--SHE DOESN'T
LlKE YOU: You'll try to arrange
another date, but she'll be
evasive and refuse to make a
commitment. You'll call
and call, but she'll always be
busy. She'll mention other
guys. After a week of constant
rejection, you'll end up drunk
outside her window, smashing
bottles and screaming her name
until the police come. Or
she'll open up her blinds and
let you watch her having sex
with a traveling acrobatic team.
3. SHE LIKES YOU--YOU DON'T LIKE
HER: You'll wake up next to
what appears to be a five-foot
iguana. You'll tiptoe to the
bathroom, and, when you come
back, a seven course breakfast
will be waiting for you.
She'll be sitting at the table
reading a "Names for Baby" book.
She'll call you every
fifteen minutes, at home and
at work--friendly at first,
but then sobbing and threatening
suicide. You will event-
ually have to change your name
and move to Cleveland.
4. YOU DON'T LIKE HER--SHE DOESN'T
LIKE YOU: The true happy
ending. Mutual loathing.
If you run into each other, you
will pretend you've never met.
You got your rocks off, and
that's the important thing,
isn't it? Of course it is.
P.S. Hey guys--whatever you do,
don't show this to any
girls! I got enough problems
without all those libbers
coming down on me! Jeez!
Try peeing on a car hood, lady!
Remember -- "Brothers are doin'
it for themselves!"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Fucking Jokes
| Subj:
Fucking, Austria (S535b)
From: SCOTCOB on 4/18/2007 |
 |
Top
Subj: Give-A_Fuck-O-Meter
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/26/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19980603
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Two Bananas have fun from
Smiliemania.da |