Subj: Penis1 Jokes
.........(Includes 23 jokes, 31 1116n,7,no ads,wXT3,5)
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
Also see ANIMALS-OTHER- 'Hamsters
Named Bert And Ernie'
ASCII ART3 - 'Sexual Emoticons'
ASIAN file - 'Tongue Twister'
......................- 'Passage To Adulthood in Thailand'
BALLS file - 'Matador Has A Bad Day'
......................- 'Two Men Have Vasectomies'
......................- 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
......................- (See whole file)
BAR2 file - 'Two Triple Martinis At A Bar'
.........BASEBALL - 'Queen Of England Watches Baseball'
BATHROOM file- 'Man Needs Help Pissing'
......................- 'The Blokes Guide To Taking A Leak..'
BATHROOM-GRAF- 'The Newest In Men's Bathroom Walls'
BICYCLE file - 'Why Bicycle Shorts Are Always Black!!'
BIRDS file - 'Two Woodpeckers Argue'
BIRD-CHICKEN - 'A Rooster, A Cat, And A River'
......................- 'Man And Chicken Go To The Movies'
BLACK1 file - 'Black Kid Is Better'
BLACK2 file - 'Painting Of Three Nude Black Men'
BREAST file - 'Kinds Of Breasts And Penises (Christmas Trees)'
......................- 'Ahmed Obsessed By Queen's Breasts'
BROTHERS file- 'Two Old-Maid Sisters Are Virgins'
Bugs_Etc file- 'Man Afraid Of Bees Is Tied To Tree'
CAMEL file - 'A Nun, A Priest And A Dead Camel'
CANADA file - 'Canada's Jean Chretien Retires'
CANDY file - 'A Chocolate Flavored Penis'
CARS2 file - 'Dick Hits Pickup Windshield'
CARS3 file - 'Repairing Your Car At K-Mart'
......................- 'Daughter Wants To Borrow Car From Dad'
CHURCH-SUPP2 - 'Children's Sermon About The Resurrection'
CLINTON file - 'Renaming Your Dick'
CLINTON-SCDL1- 'Clinton Has A Red Rash'
CLOTHING file- 'Underwear Dust'
......................- 'Texan Buys A City Suit'
COLLEGE1 file- 'Masterbation In Showers At Durham'
COLLEGE2 file- 'College Biology Class'
COMPUTERS3 - '11 Reasons E-Mail Is Like A Penis:'
COMPUTERS4 - 'Bobbit Virus'
CONDOM file - (See whole file)
COWBOY file - 'Buying Cowboy Boots'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Power Pole Death'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Penis Electrocution'
DATING1 file - 'Picking Up Girls With Potatoes'
......................- 'A Guy And Girl On Their First Date'
DATING3 file - 'Sending A Lady A Bottle Of Wine'
DIFFERENCES1 - 'Female Brain Cell In A Man'
DOCTOR1 file - 'Hong Kong Dong'
......................- 'Man Is Castrated'
DOCTOR2 file - 'Older Gent At Urologist's Office'
......................- 'Patient's Ball Turnes Blue'
......................- 'Surgeon Consults Patient After Operation'
......................- 'Country Doctor And The Gossip'
......................- 'Doctor's Advice For Premature Ejaculation'
DOCTOR3 file - 'List of Viagra Jokes Not in Doctor3'
EDEN file - 'Adam Gets A Brain And A Penis'
ELDERLY1 - 'Hillbilly's 60 Anniversary'
ELDERLY2 file- 'Two Old Men, Wheat Bread and Sex'
......................- 'Elderly Man Visits Social Security Office'
ELEPHANT - 'Three Guys Get Elephant Parts'
ENGLISHMAN - 'British Soldiers Return From Falkland'
FACTS2 file - 'In Line At The Bank'
......................- 'Most Embarrassing Moments Contest'
FAIRY TALES - 'Climbing The Ladder To Success'
FARMER1 file - 'Farm Boy, His Gal And His Rope'
FISHING1 file- 'That's A Big One - Picture'
.........FOOD ETC2 - 'Viagra Soft Drink'
FOOD-SUPP - 'Parents Worry About Son's Small Penis'
FOOTBALL file- 'Football Buddies'
FRENCH file - 'When Charles deGaulle Retired'
FROG file - 'Frog Sex'
.........FUNERAL file - 'Playing With Irving's Ashes'
......................- 'Mortician Cuts Off Cadaver's Penis'
GAMES file - 'BJ roulette'
GOLF-SUPP - 'Unique Golf Invention'
HANDICAPPED - 'Two Deaf People Get Married'
HEAD-ADS-SUPP- 'German Eye Glasses Ad' - Video
HOOKER2 file - 'Happy Hour in Bangkok' - Photo/Video
......................- 'An Unusual Hooker'
......................- 'A Dick Named Caesar'
HORSES file - 'Chicken And Horse Get Stuck'
HOSPITAL1 - 'Handsome Man Goes To Hospital'
......................- 'Hillary Visits A Hospital'
......................- 'Man Farts During Surgery'
.........HOSPITAL2 - 'Man Gets Bionic Arm'
......................- 'Hospital wants To Cut Off Man's Penis'
......................- '18 Year Old India Girl Has Pain'
......................- 'A Hermaphrodite Baby'
......................- 'True Hospital Stories'
HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'Nurses Aren't Supposed To Laugh'
HUNTING file - 'Duck Hunter Wants Sex'
......................- 'Hunter Shoots Himself In The Arm'
INDIAN file - 'Indian Gives Lady A Horseback Ride'
JEWISH2 file - 'Samurai Contest'
.........JOBS1 file - 'Pickle Factory Worker Fired'
JUDGE file - 'Circumcision Lawsuit'
KIDS2 file - 'Little Boy Has To "Powder His Nose"'
KIDS5 file - 'Whyatt Cartoon'
LISTS file - 'Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped'
LISTS-SUPP - '30 Harsh Things a Woman can Say to a Naked Man'
MAILMAM-ETC - 'Playing "Who Am I"'
......................- 'Mailman And The Bedsheet'
.........MARRIAGE3 - 'Firing A Starter Gun During Sex'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Husband And Wife Complain'
......................- 'Wife Has A Headache'
.........MENQUESTIONS - 'What Are Two Men Thinking?'
MOVIES-SUPP2 - 'Lord Of The Rings Parody'
MUSIC file - 'The Dickhead Song' - Video
......................- 'Piano Duet' - Video
NATIVE file - 'Foreskin'
NUDIST file - 'Two Boys See Nude Woman'
......................- 'Man Swims Nude In Lake'
......................- '30 Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy'
......................- 'Women Grows Red Tomatoes'
NUNS1 file - 'Rubber Cement Commercial'
.........PIG file - 'City Slicker Buys A Pig'
.........PLANE1 file - 'Man On Plane Sneezes'
......................- 'Man Goes To Bathroom On A Plane'
PLANE2 file - 'All Female Flight Crew'
......................- 'Getting A Ticket From A Flasher'
POETRY file - 'Joe Awoke With An Erection'
POLICE-SUPP - 'Police Stop Old Lady w/Garbage Bags'
POLITICAL1 - 'Penis For President'
POLITICAL2 - 'Politician At News Conference'
PREACHER file- 'Elderly Couple Healed By TV Preacher'
PREGNANCY - 'Couple Get Help For Pregnancy'
PUSSY file - 'Christmas Tree Decorations'
RUSSIAN file - 'Russian Pees Vodka'
SCHOOL1 file - 'Students Go To The Race Track'
......................- 'JC Biology Class'
SCHOOL-SUPP2 - 'The Polite Way To Pee'
SCOTTISH file- 'The Drunken Scotsman With Lyrics' - Video/Song
......................- 'The Gleam In Your Eye'
SEX3 file - 'Russian Tries For Sex Record'
SHIT file - 'Washington Crosses The Delaware'
SKIING file - 'Writing Your Name In The Snow'
SOLDIER1 file- 'Secretary Notices Boss's Barracks Is Open'
TATOO file - 'Penis Tattooed For Profit'
......................- 'Man Tatoos Dick'
......................- (see whole file)
TEST2 file - 'What Am I?'
THO-SILLY-SUP- 'Deep Throat' - Video
TRACK file - 'Wife's Lover Runs Nude In Race'
TRUCK-BUS - 'Helping A Lady On The Bus'
WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Doing The Laundry'
......................- 'Couple Wait For Wedding Night'
......................- 'Man w/Dick In Splint Has Honeymoon'
WOMEN2 file - 'The Flasher'
WOMENBETTER - 'She Took The Law Into Her Own Hands'
......................- 'She Took The Law Into Her Own Hands II'
Penis1 has long jokes
Penis2 has jokes
Penis3 contains oddities and short jokes
Subj: Puppet Show (S401)
From: JokesUncut in 2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Buddy Hackett - Elephant Trunk Joke
From: darrelldre in 2011 (S769d-iFrame)
This wonderful classic skit was
performed by Buddy Hackett
during a stand-up comedy routine. Click 'HERE' to see this
joke Buddy Hackett told on an HBO special about 10 years ago.
Subj: Dick Replaced With Elephant Trunk (S05, S609)
(See 'Three Guys Get Elephant Parts' in ELEPHANT)
A guy gets his penis severed
in a car accident. When he
wakes up in the hospital, he rings for the doctor. The
doctor comes in and tells him what happened. "So what
are my options?" the patient asks.
"You have two options: we can
sew your penis back on, but
it will cost you about a million dollars. Or...we can
sew on a baby elephant's trunk. It will look a bit
different, but it will feel the same and that will only
cost about a thousand dollars."
The guy says, "Well, I'm low
on cash so I'll have to go
with the elephant trunk."
About two weeks later the guy
is out to dinner with some
friends, when all of a sudden the trunk comes up from
under the table, grabs a biscuit, then returns back
under the table. The guy thinks, "Shit, I hope nobody
saw that!" About five minutes later, the trunk comes up
and grabs another biscuit. This time the guy's friends
"Holy shit! What the fuck
was that?" his friends ask.
So the guy tells them the story of the accident and the
surgery. "Wow, that's awesome! Can you do that again?"
The guy says, "Well, I probably
could, but I don't think
my ass could take another biscuit!"
Subj: Man Gets Elephant Muscles (S291)
From: thebartend in 1997
Jack goes to the doctor and says
"Doc I'm having trouble
getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination
the doctor tells Jack, "Well
the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of
your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do
for you except if you're willing to try an experimental
treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor explains,
"what we would do is take the
muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them
in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently
then says, "Well the thought
of going through life without ever having sex again is too
much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation
Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt
a stirring between his legs
that continued to the point of being painful. To release
the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately
sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table,
grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.
His girl friend was stunned at
first but then said with a
sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
Jack replied with his eyes watering,
"Well, I guess so,
but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
Subj: The Voodoo Dick (S463b, S615)
From: darrell94590 in 2005
This lady walks into her psychiatrist
one day and says:
"Doctor, I just can't have an orgasm." "Do you masturbate?",
he says. "No luck". is the reply. "How about cunnilingus?"
"Nope" "Kick-start vibrator?" "Wakes up the neighbors, but
not me." she complains. "Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait
here." The doctor says as he walks into the next room. He
walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap.
Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.
"What is it", she gasps.
"It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims,
as he hoists the foot-
long, meaty shaft from the case. "It is VERY powerful, but
it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK,
hand!" he commands. The dick leaps across his lap into his
open palm faster than the eye can see. "Ooooh", she sighs.
"VOODOO DICK, case." The dick returns in a shot to its case.
"You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its
"Certainly, of course, anything
you say," she sputters as
the wetness in her mouth matches the wetness in her panties.
So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good
doctor and hurrying out to her car. She can't wait to get
home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.
"VOODOO DICK, hand!" she commands. It flies eagerly into
her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool,
and quickly removes her underwear. "VOODOO DICK, pussy!"
she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in
an instant, she gasps with pleasure. "VOODOO DICK, fuck me."
It begins to thrust in and out. "VOODOO DICK, faster!" It
quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss.
Unbelievable sensations course through her body. "VOODOO
DICK, harder!" It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin,
one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire,
unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction. "VOODOO DICK,
BUT IT WON'T STOP !!!!!!
"VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she
yells. It continues its relentless assault. "Quit it,
VOODOO DICK. That hurts" It is oblivious to her desires.
She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw
it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up,
it is there against the glass, trying to get it.
She quickly starts the car and
screeches away in terror.
60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail.
90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades
away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.
The women is babbling senselessly
as the officer approaches
her car. "You-you have to let me go. There is this-this
thing- gotta go" she yells. "Lady, you were doing 100 miles
an hour. What the hell is your problem?"
"You don't under-understand.
There is this VOODOO DICK
following me." she sputters.
"A WHAT?", the cop yells?
"A magic VOODOO DICK. It's after me!" she exclaims.
To which the cop replies, "VOODOO DICK, my ass!"
Subj: King Arthur Returns From Quest (S14)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #13
(Also see 'King Arthur's Chastity Belt' in KNIGHT)
Once, in ancient times, King
Arthur informed the Knights
of the Round Table that he was about to embark on another
quest. As was the custom in those days, he acquired a
chastity belt for Guinivere to wear while he was gone.
This was no ordinary chastity belt because besides the
lock, there was also a miniature guillotine hidden inside.
So, off went the king and it was six months before his
Upon his arrival he called for
an assemblege of his
Knights of the Round Table. He had them line up and
lower their pants. One by one, he inspected them and
was dismayed to see that each reveiled a heavily bandaged
area - all except for Lancelot who didn't have a scratch.
"So, Lancelot," the King said,
embracing him, "you are the
only Knight of the Round Table who did not betray my
friendship and trust. Tell me which of my treasures you
would have and it shall be yours!"
Lancelot answered: "Nnnmm nnn nn mnnn..."
Is It Weird w/Steve Harvey
Published by Steve Harvey
In the TV show 'Is It Weird?
with Steve Harvey, a woman
signs her man's penis to be sure that he remains faithful.
Click 'HERE' to see this very weird episode of this very
Subj: Rewritten "I will survive" Song (S463b)
From: auntiegah in 2005
Sing along to the tune of "I will survive" when you read this.
At first I was afraid, I was
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on....
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big Mac and you've bought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans!
Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't catch you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count???!
I will survive!! I will survive! 'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
I will survive! I will survive!
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!
Subj: Canadian Sex Criminals (S278b)
From: wayweirdon in 2002
Canadian lawmakers take
sex crimes extremely serious.
Currently, Canadian lawmakers are passing a bill that
will keep sex offenders in permanent "lock down" even
after they are released from prison.
The bill is titled "Holland Ice
Cup", and should be passed
into law by next week. The new "Holland Ice Cup" law is a
device that acts much like a pair of handcuffs, but they
are handcuffs for the male testicles. The testicles of a
sex offender will be kept in this metal grip from the
moment they leave prison until the day they die.
The test case study for this
new law met with the press
recently and explained how serious this law is, "I was
arrested for stealing a porno magazine and spent 2 hours
in jail. When I get out I have these on my nuts."
Subj: Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter
(See 'How To Get Babies' below)
Mother is in the kitchen making
supper for her family
when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy
and daddy fall in love and
get married. One night they go into their room...they
kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.)
That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.
That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the
other night when I came into
you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter II
From: ginafm in 2007 (S563)
Subj: Drug Makes Your Dick Last (S135, S485)
From: icohen in 1999
Once upon a time, in Ancient
Egypt, a man walked into the
Apothecary. (Egyptian equivalent of a Pharmacy or Drugstore.)
He walked up to the counter, and said: "One Rhino's Horn,
Please." The Apothecary was startled and said, "But Sir!
Most people require only a fraction of an ounce of this
"Look, I need this so just sell
it to me and I'll be on my
way," replied the Customer. "Why? This will cost over three
times its weight in gold! Are you sure you wish to purchase
it?", the Apothecary queried.
The man looked a bit annoyed,
and explained his situation.
"Right. Tonight, I've got three of the most stunningly
attractive women coming round tonight, and I know for a fact
that none of them have had any sex for more than a year and
that they're crying for it. You know, "Gaggin' for a Shaggin'".
That sort of thing. I've got to be in TOP Form, ready to
"Well Sir, you do seem to have
a genuine need for it. If
you'll just step over here..." The Apothecary weighed the
man's gold and with a look in his eyes that you only see in
men who've just made a ridiculous profit, handed over a full
Rhino's Horn to his customer. The man left the Shop with a
silly smile on his face.
The next afternoon, the same
man came back to the Apothecary,
looking terrible. His eyes were glazed and bloodshot, his
skin was drawn and his cheeks pinched. He had huge bags under
his eyes, and the whole area around his eyes were black with
fatigue. His hair was lank and greasy, and his stubble was
not designer. He was basically a wreck. He staggered up to
the counter and gasped, "A tube of 'Deep Heat" menthol rub,
please. I'm desparate."
"Good grief. What ever
for Sir?", inquired the Apothecary.
Without a second thought, the man immediately undid his robe-
belt, and dropped his sack-cloth slacks.
"Take a look at that!", he said
as he placed his penis on the
Apothecary's counter. The Apothecary winced. The man's penis
was in no better shape than his customer, it was reddened,
rubbed raw, bleeding in places, and definitely the worse for
"You're going to put 'Deep Heat'
on THAT!?", the Apothecary
asked. "Do you know how painful it will be on your dick?"
"Oh, no. It's not for my
penis. It's for my wrists....the
girls didn't show up last night."
Subj: Golfer Hits Hole In One And Meets Genie
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #84
A guy is out golfing alone one
day and shoots a hole in one
on the 13th hole, a short par 3. When he picks the ball up
out of the cup, a genie pops out of the hole and says, "You
got a hole in one, so I'll grant you any one wish you want."
The guy thinks for a minute and
says, "I'd like to have the
longest dick in the world." Poof. Done. The genie
disappears and the guy attempts to finish the round, but it
is nearly impossible. His dick is so long, it's dragging
on the ground, victim to every stone, pebble, and bramble
along the way. He even stepped on the end a couple of
In obvious pain, he finally makes
his way to the clubhouse
where the greenskeeper asks him what's wrong. He relates
the story and the tragic consequences. The greenskeeper
says, "Ah, that genie again. I'm afraid the only thing I
know you can do is to take a case or two of golf balls
back to the hole and keep hitting shots until you get
another hole in one. Then ask the genie for another wish."
This makes sense to the guy,
so he makes his way very
gingerly back to the 13th tee and hits literally hundreds
of golf balls in serious discomfort until he gets lucky
and shoots another hole in one. On pulling his ball out
of the cup, the genie again appears: "You got a hole in
one, so I'll grant you any one wish you want."
The guy looks around, and with a smile on his face says,
"I'd like to have longer legs!"
Subj: How To Get Babies (S280)
From: twistedhumor.com in 2000
(See 'Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter' above)
One day a five year old little
girl excitedly approached
her mother, and announced that she had learned how you
get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really
sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl then explained,
"Well, the mommy and daddy
take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener
stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and
puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's
wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the
mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice,
and that's how you get a baby."
The mother looked lovingly at
her daughter, leaned over to
meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but
that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."
Dicks From Around The World
..........in 2006 (S473b)
Cute, witty set of drawings. You can see it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Air Force Man Has Long Dick
From Bawdy.Net Collage #165
(Also see 'Penis Keeps Growing' in this file)
There was a young man in the
Air Force who was so well
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room
to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We`ll
just take a big hunk off the
end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his
The second doctor said, "We`ll
just take a big hunk out of
the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would
change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We`ll
just take a big hunk off the
base of it." They discussed it and said that would give
him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse
who had tears running done
The nurse cried, "Can`t we just make his legs longer?"
Subj: Man Thinks His Wife Is Unfaithful
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172
A man was sitting in a bar one
evening looking pretty
The bartender notices him and
asks what's wrong. The man
replies that he believes that his wife is being unfaithful
but isn't sure how to confront her about it. The bartender
replies, "Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home,
pull down your pants, point to your willy and ask her what
If she say's its a dick, then
that means she's lost her
innocence and shyness which would indicate that she has
been sleeping aroung. If she say's it's a pecker then
that indicates that she is still shy and innocent."
The man decides to give it a
try and immediately goes home
to summon his wife. As she enters the living room, our
friend drops his pants, points to his member and asks her
what it is.
"Oh, that's a pecker." responds his wife.
The man lets out a big sigh of
relief and exclaims. "Whew,
I was afraid you were going to call it a dick."
His wife responds, "Oh no, that's
a pecker all right. A
dick is twice that size!"
Subj: Dick Rings
From: Scott's Joke Archive in 1997
(Also see 'Clinton Has A Red Rash' in POLIT-CLINTON-SCANDAL1)
Guy goes out drinking and bar
hopping and gets real loaded.
Has a great time and wakes up the next day but can't
remember much about last night except he knows he had a
great time. Goes into the bathroom to take a leak and sees
two rings around his dick. One ring is red and the other
is brown. He gets really worried so he goes to see his
"Doc, he says, I was out drinking
last night. I don't
remember too much but when I woke up and went to piss I
saw these two rings around my dick. What the hell are
Doctor takes a look and says,
"Hmmm, I don't know. Let me
run some quick tests and I'll see if I can't find out what
Doctor goes out and comes back
in ten minutes and says,
"Well, I've got good news and bad news. How do you want it?"
"Give me the good news first Doc."
Doc says, "The good news is the red ring is lipstick."
"And the Bad news Doc?" asks the guy.....
"The bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."
Subj: Penis Keeps Growing (S230, S747)
From: gheckman in 2001
(also see 'Air
Force Man Has Long Dick' in this file)
||When the man
first noticed that his penis was growing
longer, he was delighted. Several weeks and several
inches later, he became concerned and went to see a
urologist. While his wife waited outside, the
physician examined him and explained that, thought
rare his condition could be corrected by minor
| The patient's wife
anxiously rushed up to the
doctor after the examination and was told of
the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the surprised doctor asked.
Subj: Gay Bar Requires Dick Naming (S26, S326b)
From: DR SWITZER in 1998 and 2003
This guy walks into a bar and
after only taking two steps
in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I
really want a drink".
When the gay waiter approaches
he says to the customer,
"What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says "Look, I'm
just not into that. All I
want is a drink".
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry
but I can't serve you
until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for
instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,'
because 'It really Satisfies."
The customer turns the man sitting
to his left who is
sipping on a beer and asks "hey bud, what's the name of
your penis?" The gentleman with a smile looks back and
says "TIMEX". The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the customer
turns to the fella on his
right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call
your penis?" The other gentleman turns to him and proudly
exclaims "FORD". The customer thinks how this naming thing
works and says, "Because quality is Job 1?" The gentleman
replies, "No. Let me ask you, have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer
has to think for a moment
before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to
the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret.
Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour
the customer a beer, but with
a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says "Strong enough
for a man but made for a
Subj: Soft Breasts And Hard Dicks (S609c)
From: CKButch4Femme in 2008
A man is in a hotel lobby. He
wants to ask the clerk a
question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and
says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is
as hard as your elbow, I'm
in room 436"
Subj: How To Use 'Maintain'
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #199 in 1997
From the Toronto Globe and Mail Newspaper:
A pharmacist at a busy retail
store received a phone call
from a frantic man. He wanted to know the side effects
Maintain is a topical nerve blocker,
blocks sensations, and is used to treat premature
ejaculation in men.
The pharmacist explained to the
man that a skin rash is
always a possibility, but most people have no problem with
this product. The man was still upset, so the pharmacist
finally asked him if there was a specific problem he was
having with the product.
He explained that he and his
wife had just used the
Maintain, and now his wife was slurring her words, and
unable to control her tongue very well.
The Cyber Harness
..........in 2006 (S503b)
This cute, dirty, animated GIF can be seen by clicking 'HERE'.