Subj:     Penis2 Jokes
..........(Includes 35 jokes, 01 1124,6,no ads,vXT,3)

..........L5 Update

Clown ? Mouse
Badger's Animated GIF Gallery
Includes the following:  Wow, Your Baby Is So Small - Drawing (S960)
.........................Man Has Sex With Pumpkin (S76)
.........................Husband Wants A Big Dick Like Bubba's (S175)
.........................Female Pharmacists (S453b, S846)
.........................Cutting Off A Husband's Dick (DU)
.........................The Amazing Goldstein (S175, S610b)
.........................Herschel The Magnificent - Video (S830)
.........................Self-Examination (S459)
.........................Cucumber, Pickle, And Penis Talk (S396b)
.........................Doctor Helps Man Get Erections (S319)
.........................Orange Penis (S288)
.........................German Ketchup Technique - Video (S475c)
.........................Three Women Compete (S245b)
.........................Body Builder Strips (S242b)
.........................Mr. Goldstein's Penis Dies (S230)
.........................Nudist Sends Photo To Grandma (S190)
.........................Squeeze The Veg - Cartoon (416b)
.........................Texan Has A Baby (S143)
.........................Man In Accident Looses Penis (S125b)
.........................Penis Problems (S83, S466)
.........................Man Needs Help At Urinal (S60)
.........................Circumcision - Text Sign (S116)
.........................Two Boys Talk About Circumcision
.........................Husband Visits Witch Doctor For Impotency (S510b)
.........................Penis Extortion (DU)
.........................Hurt Tally Wacker
.........................For Girls Who Can't Sleep! - Photo (S514c)
.........................Magic Mirror And The Penis (DU)
.........................Dick Caught In Toilet Paper Dispensor (DU)
.........................Stuttering Problem (S38, S397)
.........................Teaching His Son How To Pee (DU)
.........................Man Dates With Little Dick (DU)
.........................Man Goes Into Hospital For Circumcision (S61)

Penis1 has long jokes
Penis2 has jokes
Penis3 contains oddities and short jokes
Subj:     Wow, Your Baby Is So Small (S960)
          From: Tom Mason in 2015
 Source: www.humoar.com/kangaroo-wow-your-baby-is-so-small/
Subj:     Man Has Sex With Pumpkin (S76)
          From: auntieg in 1998

 Police arrested Jon Terrence McCarter, a 27 year old white
 male, resident of Dixon, IL, in the Sanderson Pumpkin patch
 at 11:38pm Friday.  McCarter will be charged with lewd and
 lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxi-
 cation at the County courthouse Monday.

 The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a
 pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is
 soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here
 for miles.  At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in
 a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.  McCarter
 went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
 picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
 purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his
 alleged "need".  "I guess I was just really into it, you
 know?"  he commented with evident embarrassment.

 In the process, McCarter apparently failed to notice the
 Dixon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of
 his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
 "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said
 officer Taylor.  "I walked up to (McCarter) and he's...
 just working away at this pumpkin."  Taylor went on to
 describe what happened when she approached McCarter.

 "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you
 realize that you are  screwing a pumpkin?'  He got real
 surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in
 the face and said,  'A pumpkin?   Damn... is it midnight

 Taylor arrested him but said that the suspect accepted his
 predicament in good humor.  "I have to give him credit...
 that was a quick comeback."  Taylor said of the man's
 comment.  Taylor summed up the event with one statement.
 "Seven years I've been patrolling this area; this was a

Subj:    Husband Wants A Big Dick Like Bubba's
         From: thebartend in 2000 (S175, S514)
Bubba drawing from Quizarama
 One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when
 Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after
 having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the
 toilet.  Well, Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity
 got the best of the husband and he just had to look.  Sure
 enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

 The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but
 how did your dick get that big?  I couldn't help but notice."
 Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it
 on the bedpost 3 times.  Heck, it impresses the girls at

 The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique
 and could hardly wait to try it himself!  Before he climbed
 into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the
 bedpost three times.  He was just climbing into bed with
 newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and
 rubbing her eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?"

Subj:     Female Pharmacists (S453b, S846)
          From: AFine963 in 2013

 One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little
 old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the
 pharmacist.  "I am the pharmacist," she informed him.

 "Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.

 "Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been
 pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't
 heard, so what is your problem?"

 "Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with
 erections.  Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and
 hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I
 have intercourse!   Please, can you give me something for it?

 "I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister." she
 informed him.  About ten minutes later she came back.  "Young
 man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give
 you is $100 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."

Subj:     Cutting Off A Husband's Dick (DU)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day in 1998

 In a sleepy town in Central Scotland, Jimmy and his childhood
 sweetheart Morag, are wed.  In the Honeymoon bed, Morag lays
 down the law: 'Now that we are wed, I have one rule.  If you
 are ever unfaithful to me I'll chop your bits off!!'

 Years pass peacefully, until one day Morag returns home to
 find Jimmy in bed with another woman.  True to her word, she
 runs out to the garden and returns with a set of garden sheers
 and exacts her revenge.  Still gripping the severed giblets,
 she leaps into her car and flees.  She speeds through the
 village, swerving from left to right in her rage.  This
 attracts the attention of two local coppers - Bill and Bob
 who take off in pursuit.  Seeing them in her rear view mirror,
 Morag panics, winds down the window and hurls out the evidence,
 which thumps with a bloody splat! on Bob and Bill's windscreen.

 'Mother of God' swears Bill, 'Did you see the size of the dick
 on that fly?'

Subj:     The Amazing Goldstein (S175, S610b)
          From: rfslick in 2008

 (Also see 'Herschel The Magnificent' below)

 A salesman visits a little town and he sees a sign for the
 circus and it reads "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein."
 Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual
 circus acts...animals, clowns, contortionists, and other
 questionable acts.  Finally the trumpets blare and all
 eyes turn to the center ring.

 There in the middle of the ring is a table with three
 walnuts on it.  In comes a little old Jewish man, almost
 five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table.  He
 unzips his pants and whips out his lengthy tool and
 proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty
 swings!  The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the
 elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of

 Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little
 town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the
 same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein."

 The salesman can't believe the old guy is still alive
 much less still doing his act!

 Again he buys a ticket sits through the acts and again the
 center ring is illuminated.  This time three coconuts are
 on the table and old Goldstein takes forever to make it to
 the table.  He smashes the coconuts with three swings of
 his amazing weapon and the crowd goes crazy!

 The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
 In his dressing room he tells him he's never seen anything
 like the act.  But he wants to know why he is now smashing
 coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.

 "Hey," says Goldstein, "at my age, my eyes aren't what
 they used to be!"

Subj:     Herschel The Magnificent
          From: AFine963 in 2012
..........(S830, S1097,d-On Site)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/SD5AiDxqOKk

 (Also see 'The Amazing Goldstein' above)

 Lou Charloff was born in Romania and moved to New York
 (specifically, the Bronx) when he was two years old.
 He speaks five languages and served as an interpreter
 for the military government of occupied Germany after
 World War II.  Four years ago, he decided to try his
 hand at stand-up comedy in Los Angeles, making him,
 simultaneously, one of the oldest and one of the newest
 comics in the business.
Click 'HERE' to see and hear Lou's cute, old joke.

Or click on www.youtube.com/UCl86U7mrN6LElGurtVxvS1A
to see 507 very funny Old Jews Telling Jokes

Drawing from OldJewsTeTellingJokes.com

Subj:     Self-Examination (S459, S688)
          From:LABLaughsAdult in 2005

 Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the
 breast or testicles when a female student asked another male
 student and me if we ever got an erection while we did
 self-examination of our testicles. We answered that it was
 possible that we had.  You know, you don't really want
 everyone to know when you get aroused.  She then asked, "What
 do you do about it?" We said in unison, "Nothing, why?"
 She then said, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all
 day?"  We said no way!  She then states, "You mean a man's
 penis will go down without having an orgasm?"  We both said
 yes.  At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"

Subj:     Cucumber, Pickle, And Penis Talk
          From: ICohen in 2004 (S396b)

 A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were all sitting around
 one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

 The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks.  Whenever I get big,
 fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

 So, the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it
 bad?  Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in
 vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks me in a jar."

 The penis glared at  them both and said, "You guys think you
 have it rough?  Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put
 a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang
 my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."

Subj:     Doctor Helps Man Get Erections
          From: JokesUncut in 2003 (S319)

 There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so
 he goes to the doctor.  The doctor takes all kinds of
 tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.

 The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his
 wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs
 and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it
 under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain
 and then he would get an erection.

 The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after
 his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her
 legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his
 upper lip right under his nose.  After a minute or two
 he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he
 grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose.  The
 next thing he knows he has a full erection.

 He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the
 good news.  He wakes her up and says "Look Honey!  Look
 what I've got!"

 She rolls over, looks at him and asks: "You wake me up
 at two in the morning to show me you've got a nose bleed?"

Subj:     Orange Penis (S288)
          From: dogbyte in 2002

 A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help
 me.  My penis is orange."

 The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his
 pants so he can check.  Damned if the guy's penis isn't
 orange.  Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange.  Some-
 times things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a
 person's life."

 Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks
 the guy, "How are things going at work?"

 The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
 The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the
 stress.  The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real ass-
 hole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and
 I had no say in anything that was happening.  I found a
 new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours,
 I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the
 boss is a really great guy."

 So the doc figures this isn't the reason.  He asks the guy,
 "How's your home life?"  The guy says, "Well, I got
 divorced about eight months ago."

 The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all
 of the guys stress.

 But the guy says, "No.  For years, all I listened to was
 nag, nag, nag.  God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

 So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
 He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

 The guy replies, "No, not really.  Most nights I just sit
 at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!"

Subj:     German Ketchup Technique
          From: darrell94590
..........in 2006 (S475c,d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/WI81juqtAdk

 This funny German commercial was banned on TV.  Click on
 'HERE' to learn how to get a Handjob - Like A Bottle Of Ketchup.

Subj:     Three Women Compete (S245b, DU)
          From: thebartend in 2001

 Three young women are at a cocktail party.  The conversation
 turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are
 trying to one-up each other.

 The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French
 Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the
 others with a superior demeanor.

 The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new
 Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

 Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you,
 we don't have much money and we don't have any material
 possessions.  However, one thing I can tell you about my
 husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to
 shoulder on his erect penis."

 After this, the first one looks shamefaced! and says,
 "Girls, I've got a confession to make.  I was just trying
 to impress you.  You know that vacation I was telling you
 about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my
 parents house for two weeks."

 The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not
 a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."

 "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to
 make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

Subj:     Body Builder Strips (S242b, DU)
          From: thebartend in 2001

 A body builder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home
 with him.  He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What
 a great chest you have."

 The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."

 He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive
 calves you have."

 The body builder tells her, "That's another 100 lb. of
 dynamite."  He then takes off his underwear and the woman
 goes running and screaming out of the apartment.

 The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after
 her. He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out
 of the apartment.

 The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that
 dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

Subj:     Mr. Goldstein's Penis Dies (S230)
          From: gheckman in 2001

 An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life
 in a nursing home.  One day he appeared to be very sad and
 depressed.  Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

 "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today,
 and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and
 sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.
 Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

 The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall
 with his penis hanging out of his pajamas. "Mr. Goldstein,"
 said Nurse Tracy, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
 like this.  Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."

 "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you
 yesterday that my penis died."

 "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of
 your pajamas?"

 "Well," he replied. "Today is the viewing."

Subj:     Nudist Sends Photo To Grandma
          From: KMACINTY in 2000 (S190)

 A man moves into a nudist colony.  He receives a letter
 from his grandmother asking him to send her a current
 photo of himself in his new location.  Too embarrassed
 to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts
 a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of
 the photo.

 He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong
 half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
 is, and hopes she won't notice.

 A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
 It says, "Thank you for the picture.  Change your hair style
 ....it makes your nose look too short.

Subj:     Squeeze The Veg - Cartoon (416b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult in 2005
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
..........To see an older version of this cartoon click 'HERE'.

Subj:     Texan Has A Baby (S143, S413)
          From: KMacinty in 1999

 A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call
 on his cell phone.  He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear,
 and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar
 because, he announces, his wife has just produced a baby
 boy weighing 15 pounds.

 Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15
 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average
 down home, folks.  Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas
 baby boy."  Congratulations showered him from all around,
 and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.  One woman
 actually faints due to sympathy pains.

 Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

 The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical
 Texas baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you?
 Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two
 weeks.  We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh

 The proud father answers, "11 pounds."  The bartender is
 puzzled, and concerned.  "What happened?  He weighed 15
 pounds the day he was born!

 The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone
 Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into
 the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised "

Subj:     Man In Accident Looses Penis (S125b, S639b)
          From: From: Imogenelumen in 2004

 A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was
 mangled and torn from his body.  His doctor assured him
 that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but
 that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it
 was considered cosmetic.

 The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500
 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."  The man was sure he
 would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to
 talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
 The man called his wife on the phone and explained their

 The doctor came back into the room, and found the man
 looking dejected.  "Well, what have the two of you decided?"
 asked the doctor.  The man answered, "She'd rather remodel
 the kitchen".

Subj:     Penis Problems (S83, S466)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 in 1998

 Please don't feel bad.  It wasn't you entering the men's
 washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to
 him.  Hell, we do that all the time.  It's rare us guys
 ever hit what were aiming for.

 Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then
 just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit
 something.  You see, something you ladies should under-
 stand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their
 own.  A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the
 urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet,
 and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll
 of toilet paper, down his left pant leg,and onto his shoe.
 I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

 After being married 28 years my wife has me trained.  I'm
 no longer allowed to pee like a man standing up.  I am
 required to sit down and pee.  She has convinced me that
 this is a small price to pay.  Otherwise if she had gone
 to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on
 a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet
 because I forgot to put the seatdown, she was going to
 kill me in my sleep.

 Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,
 but because you and I have become such good friends and you
 think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you
 because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be
 understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

 Most mornings us guys wake up with two things.  A
 tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could
 cut diamonds with it.  Well, no matter how hard you try,
 you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend
 you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no
 choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn
 fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the

 And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat
 covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself.
 So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet
 seat and the other hand to try to control our less than
 perfect aim.

 Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the
 guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get
 the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up.  You
 jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
 stays there.  OK, so you start to pee, but then that
 compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
 that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack
 off your weenie.  So us guys will not lift a toilet seat
 with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

 I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my
 wife.  I told her... look, it won't bend.  She said, "so
 sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."
 OK.  I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
 Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,
 and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath
 towels hanging on the wall across the room.

 Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced
 down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee
 shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet
 seat and the top of the bowl.  You piss all over the back
 of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs onto
 that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on
 the floor in front of the toilet.

 I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
 morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman
 position laying over the toilet seat.  This takes a great
 deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision
 but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
 during the first morning pee.

 So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally
 to blame.  We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene
 and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things
 just get beyond our control.

 It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.  Now, if it
 was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!

Subj:     Man Needs Help At Urinal (S60)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #237 in 1998

 (Also see 'Man Needs Help Pissing' in BATHROOM)

 A man visiting a Disabled American Veterans Post found him-
 self answering the call of nature in the men's room.  As he
 walked in and squared off in front of the urinal he noticed
 an older gentleman standing in front of a urinal just down
 the row.

 The man was just standing there looking at the urinal with
 his hands in his pockets.  As the visitor finished he asked
 the gentleman if he could use some help.  To which the
 gentleman replied, "I would be most grateful if you could
 assist me by unzipping my fly and holding my penis over the
 urinal while I relieve myself."

 The visitor, was pleased to be able to help this disabled
 veteran, and as he was shaking off the man's penis and
 replacing it in his pants he glanced up at the gentleman
 and asked, "Korea?".

 To which the gentleman answered, "No, gonorrhea - wouldn't
 touch it myself."

Subj:     Stuttering Problem (S38, S397)
          From: Anonymous Junior in 2004
 Source: (Removed from sex-jokes-4all.com)

 A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors
 over the years, but none of them could help him.  Finally
 one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your
 stuttering".  The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my
 pro.. pro.. problem."

 The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large.  The
 weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx,
 and this results in your stuttering.  The only solution to
 this is to perform a penis transplant."  The man was really
 tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant.
 Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed
 him that they have found a suitable donor.  The transplant
 operation was successfully performed and the man could speak
 without any stutter.

 At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his
 large penis, and how the girls used to love it.  He finally
 went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for
 the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter,
 but I miss my old penis.  Please find the transplant donor
 and tell him that we have to exchange penises back."

 The doctor shook his head and replied, "That's im.. im.. im..
 impo.. impossible."

Subj:     Circumcision (S116, S1124)
          From: TNKRTEACH in 1997
      and Diane J Swinehart in 2018
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 Source: www.me.me/i/circumcised-this-is-priceless

...(Also see 'Mom's Advice' in FACTS2)


Subj:     Two Boys Talk About Circumcision
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #238 in 1997-11-02

 Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.
 One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

 "I've been circumcised."

 "What's that mean?"

 "It means they cut the skin off the end."

 "How old were you when it was cut off?"

 "My mom said I was two days old."

 "Did it hurt?"

 "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Subj:     Husband Visits Witch Doctor For Impotency
          From: ICohen in 2006 (S510b)

 After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is
 unable to "perform" anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his
 doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

 Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind",
 and refers him to a psychiatrist.  After a few visits to the
 shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you
 could possibly be cured."

 Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.  The
 witch doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder
 on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ...
 The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can
 only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and
 it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

 The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's
 over?"  The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234'
 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for
 a year!"

 The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his
 wife with the good news.  So, he is lying in bed with her and
 says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.  His wife turns
 over and says "What did you say '123' for???"

Subj:     Penis Extortion (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net All Female Collage #196 in 1997

 A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in
 front of her house to suddenly break down, but couldn't
 find any practical way to profit from it.

 So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the
 cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man
 in the car a place to stay for the night.  Then as soon as
 the man was alseep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his
 penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or
 I'll bite hard!"  Of course usually the guy would pay and
 she'd let him go.

 Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay
 the night.  Sure enough, he felt something between his legs
 at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding
 the sign, "$50 or I'll bite."

 The Newfie just smiled and said, "$100 or I'll piss!"

Subj:     Hurt Tally Wacker

 The mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen when she heard
 a loud shriek from the bathroom.  She ran to see what it
 was, and found her 5 year old son crying his eyes out.

 "What happened!" she demanded.

 He tearfully replied, "The toilet seat fell down and bit my

 The mother reached down and rubbed it a little until the child
 asked, "Mommy, will you kiss it and make it better."

 She said, "Christ, you get more like your father every day!"

Subj:     For Girls Who Can't Sleep! (S514c)
          From: darrell94590 in 2006
Subj:     Magic Mirror And The Penis (DU)
          From: TNKRTEACH in 1997

 A young woman buys an old mirror at an antique shop and
 hangs it on her bathroom door.  One evening, while getting
 undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door,
 make my bustline forty-four".  There's a brilliant flash
 of light, and her breasts are suddenly quite large.

 Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and
 in minutes they both return.  This time the husband crosses
 his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my
 penis much bigger!"  But nothing happens.  His wife says
 "Maybe it has to rhyme, honey."  So he thinks for a moment
 and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch
 the floor!".  This time, there's a bright flash... and his
 legs fall off.

Subj:     Dick Caught In Toilet Paper Dispensor (DU)

                                          November 25,2006

 S.C. Anderson
 PO Box 1302
 Minnetonka, MN 55345

 Superior Health Insurance
 ATTN: Claims Review
 1423 W. 90th St.
 New York, NY 05016

 Dear Sir:
 This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting
 a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment
 at Methodist Hospital.  Specifically, you asked for an
 expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form
 (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put
 "Stupidity."  I realize now that this answer was somewhat
 vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the
 circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

 I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a
 quick bite to eat at the local burger joint.  I entered the
 bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the
 moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the
 locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such
 places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthink-
 ingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned
 the lid back to its normal position.

 Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts
 of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between
 the device's lid and its main body.  Feeling such intense
 and immediate pain caused me to jump back.

 It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates
 are firmly attached to an unmovable object, it is not a good
 idea to jump in the opposite direction.

 Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the
 lid.  However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow
 the locking mechanism to engage.  I then proceeded to get a
 hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them.
 I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with
 one of my keys; thus extracting myself.

 Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the
 lock.  Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique
 position became a minor concern, and I began to call for
 help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could.
 An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided
 that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store
 manager.  Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to
 unlock the device with her keys.  Since I had broken my key
 off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no
 other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your
 form in block 21(b)(1)).

 After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with
 two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4
 "On-the-Spot" news team.

 The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this
 was obviously a rescue operation.

 The senior member of the team discovered that the device was
 attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be
 reached once the device was unlocked.  (His discovery was by
 means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next
 to the one that I was in.  (Since the value of the property
 destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible)
 I did not include it in my claim.)

 His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the
 time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the
 wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
 The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and
 commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall.  Had I
 been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized
 that in cutting the device from the wall several things would
 also inevitably happen.  First, the air inside of the device
 would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to
 suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing
 things in an oven.  Second, the metal in the device is a good
 conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the
 device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third,
 molten metal would shoer the inside of the device as the torch
 cut through.

 The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage
 to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole
 big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the
 device.  The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device,
 into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.  Due the
 small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full
 explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I
 thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.


 S. Anderson

Subj:     Teaching His Son How To Pee (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #212 in 1997

 A father sees his 4 year old son make a mess while taking a
 pee and decides to teach him the right way to pee.  He calls
 his son aside and says, "Son, follow these steps when you go
 to the toilet.
 1)   Open your zip.
 2)   Pull your tool out.
 3)   Pull back the foreskin.
 4)   Pee.
 5)   Push the skin back.
 6)   Zip up your pants."

 The next day, father goes near the toilet, and hears his son
 following the six steps, "one, two, three, four, five, six".

 Eleven years later, the father, wondering if his son still
 follows the six steps goes near the toilet.  He hears his son
 saying "one, two, three, five, three, five, three, five,
 three, five, three, five, ...., three, five, three, aaahhhhh!!!,
 four, five, six".

Subj:     Man Dates With Little Dick (DU)

 This couple has been dating for about four months, but the
 guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because
 of his tiny organ.

 Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded
 spot in his car.  While they are kissing, he opens his zipper
 and guides her hand onto his penis.

 "No thanks," the girl says.  "You know I don't smoke."

Subj:     Man Goes Into Hospital For Circumcision (S61)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #78 in 1998

 A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his
 urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine
 circumcision.  When he came to, he was perturbed to see a
 large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.

 "What's up doc?" he asked nervously.

 "Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his
 surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we
 performed a sex-change operation on you.  You now have a
 very nice vagina instead of a penis."

 "What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience
 another erection?"

 "Oh, I'm sure you *will*, reassured the doctor, "only it'll
 be somebody else's."
                           -(o o)-
...........................From Smiley_Central