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>>>
Subj:     Pregnant Jokes
                 (Includes 37 jokes and articles, 29890,5,cf,md4v,3)
 

          Click "Here" for Pregnant-Supp


Pregnant Lady from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Coca Cola Life - Ser Padres - HD Video (S890 in Supp)
.........................Pam's Story (S783 in Supp)
.........................Lena Is Pregnant With Ole's Child (S820 in Supp)
.........................Bill Cosby - Where Babies Come From - Video (S756 in Supp)
.........................Pregnancy Class For Couples (S734 in Supp)
.........................Truth is Stranger Than Fiction (S828 in Supp)
.........................A Very Pregnant Secretary (S566 in Supp)
.........................Don't Go To The Doctor In June/July - Video (S704b in Supp)
.........................Birth Of Japanese Baby - Video (S474b)
.........................Italian Girl Pregnant (S554)
.........................The Midwife Show-And-Tell (S423b, S639b)
.........................Pregnant Lady And Farmer Talk On Bus (S411, S608c)
.........................Granddaughter Born In Japan (S390b, S743)
.........................German Couple Wanted To Have A Baby (S386)
.........................German Couple Wanted To Have A Baby II (S493c)
.........................British Child Support Forms (S374, S537c)
.........................Pregnant Lady Shot Three Times (S290)
.........................Mother Angry, Daughter Pregnant (S288)
.........................Baby Sues Over Pregnancy (S258b)
.........................Couple Get Help For Pregnancy (S251, S538c)
.........................Changes Now That The Baby Has Arrived (S250)
.........................Lamaze Class (S240)
.........................Six-Year Old's Mother Is Pregnant (S146)
.........................Where Babies Come From (S398b, S381b)
.........................Basic Pregnancy Questions (S131A)
.........................Lady Has Strange Baby (S104, S351)
.........................If Men Got Pregnant (S58, DU)
.........................Three Pregnant Ladies Knitting Baby Cloths (DU)
.........................Pregnant Lady On A Bus Is Laughed At (S95)
.........................Pregnant Lady Has A Car Accident (S273e)
                         Short Pregnant Jokes
..............................Married and Pregnant (S683 in Supp)
..............................Octomom 8 Days Before the Births (S632b in Supp)
..............................Sure Sign of Being Pregnant (S559c)
..............................Bad Baby Names (S457)
..............................Prenant Lady Goes into Labor and Start Shouting (S448b)
..............................Present At Birth? (S425b)
..............................Doctor Answers Pregnant Lady's Question (S405b)
..............................Winners-Sexual Abstinence Contest (S275c)
..............................Couple Couldn't Have Baby (S259b)
..............................Mother And Daughter Discuss Pregnancy (S211)
..............................Two Rednecks Discuss Vacation (S208, S729)
..............................Pregnant Lady Fishes (DU)

Also See ASIAN-CHINESE- 'Chinese Couple Names Wong Have A Baby'
         BALLS file   - 'Kicked In Balls Vs Child Birth'
         BIRDS file   - 'Storks Delivering Babies'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Three Pregnant Ladies Having Exams'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Where Babies Come From'
         BREAST file  - 'Three Babies Poem'
         BUTLER-MAID  - 'Live-In Maid'
         CARS-SUPP2   - 'Super Bowl 2013 Ad: Where Do Babies Come From?' - Video
         CLINTONSCDL1 - 'Hillary Is Pregnant'
.........COLLEGE1 file- 'Qualifications For US President'
         COMPUTERS-SUP- 'How Was I Born?'
         CONDOM file..- 'The Ring' - Photo
         DENTIST file - 'Dentist Tells Woman Of Cavity'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Doctor Gets Nurse Pregnant'
......................- 'Doctor Invents Pain Transfer Machine'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby w/Dad's Help'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Mother Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating'
         DRINKINGBEER2- 'Beer Cartoon'
         ELDERLY2 file- '80 Year Old Has Three Kids'
......................- '90 Year Old Geezer Has Baby'
         FACTS2 file  - 'Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly And Get Pregnant'
         FACTS5 file  - 'Some Abortions Illegal'
         FARMER2 file - 'Charges For Servicing A Cow'
......................- 'Handsome Man Wants To Marry'
         FIREMAN file - 'The Pregnant Fireman'
         FUNERAL file - 'Woman Dies After Three Husbands'
         HOSPITAL2    - 'True Hospital Stories'
......................- 'Guessing Baby's Weight'
......................- 'Lamaze Class'
......................- 'A Hermaphrodite Baby'
......................- 'Four Guys In The Waiting Room'
......................- 'Rescuing Hug'
         HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'Whyatt Cartoons - New Baby Smell'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Secretary Tells Boss Bad News'
         JUDGE file   - 'Laughing Man Goes On Trial'
         JUDGE-SUPP   - 'Child Support Lawsuit May Send Mom To Jail'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Baby Born Who Can Talk'
......................- 'The Last Child Support Check'
         KIDS4 file   - 'Preparation For Parenthood'
         KIDS5 file   - 'Baby Picture - Learning To Walk'
         LOVE file    - 'Two Brooms In Love'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'Husband Sobbing In Basement'
......................- 'Couple Wants To Have Another Child'
         OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Hamsters Named Bert And Ernie'
         OTH-ANIM-SUP2- 'Dolphin Birth In Hawaii' - Video
         OTHER-OCCUP  - 'Baby Names Based On Occupation'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Texan Has A Baby'
         PREACHER file- 'The Preacher's Wife Was Pregnant'
         PRIEST1 file - 'The Priest Has A Baby'
         PUSSY file   - 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby w/Kid's Help'
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Two Rednecks Discuss Infidelity'
         SEX3 file    - 'Sex In The Dark'
         SIGNS-NAMES  - 'Baby's Name Based On Occupation'
......................- 'Cute Pan Handler Sign'
         SOUTHERN file- 'Two Southern Ladies Talk'
         THANKSGV-SUPP- 'Pregnant Turkey'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Birth Of Japanese Baby (S474b,d)
          From: darrell94590
          on 2/14/2006

 To view this funny, MPG video on my web site, click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Italian Girl Pregnant (S554)
          From: allenbergman on 8/28/2007

 An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed
 her period for 2 months.  Very worried, the mother goes to
 the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.  The test result
 shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying,
 the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you?  I
 want to know!"  The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

 Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
 A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably
 dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari
 and enters the house.  He sits in the living room with the
 father, mother,and the girl and tells them: "Good morning,
 your daughter has informed me of the problem.  I can't marry
 her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
 charge.  I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
 for the rest of her life.  Additionally, if a girl is born,
 I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
 beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.  If a boy
 is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
 $4,000,000 bank account.   If twins, they will receive a
 factory and $2,000,000 each.  However, if there is a
 miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

 At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places
 a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,   "You
 try again."

Top
Subj:     The Midwife Show-And-Tell (S423b, S639b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 3/5/2005

 This is a classroom story, NOT a joke.

 I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.  I have two
 kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I
 saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.  When
 I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.  So I always have a few
 sessions with my students.  It helps them get over shyness
 and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.  Kids bring in
 pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch,
 stuff like that.  And I never, ever place any boundaries or
 limitations on them.  If they want to lug it to school and
 talk about it, they're welcome.

 Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
 outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of
 the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.  She
 holds up a snapshot of an infant.

 "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you
 about his birthday.

 First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and
 then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
 there he ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

 She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm
 trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
 The kids are watching her in amazement.  "Then, about two
 Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
 Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.  "She walked
 around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!

 Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her
 back and groaning.  "My Dad called the middle wife.  She
 delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car
 like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in
 bed like this."  Then Erica lies down with her back against
 the wall.

 "And then, pop!  My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
 there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and
 spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"  This kid has
 her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water
 flowing away. It was too much!

 "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe,
 breathe.'" "They started counting, but never even got past
 ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.  He was
 covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-
 center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

 Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
 to her seat.  I'm sure I applauded the loudest.  Ever since
 then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just
 in case another Erica comes along.

Top
Subj:     Pregnant Lady And Farmer Talk On Bus (S411, S608c)
          From: JokesUncut on 12/2/2004
      and From: hellgunner50 on 8/26/2008

 A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her
 that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for
 ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on
 the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share
 the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to
 her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

 Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever
 imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She
 told him the news that the doctor had told her about being
 pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his
 experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with
 his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the
 hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs.
 He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed
 cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially,
 me too."

Top
Subj:     Granddaughter Born In Japan (S390b, S743)
          From: mrx on 7/17/2004
      and From: ezines@arcamax.com on 4/6/2011

 Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were
 expecting their first baby.  I was elated when he called
 me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth.

 I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all
 to my co-workers.  "I'm a grandmother!" I declared.  "It's
 a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds."

 "When was she born?" someone asked.

 Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at
 the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

Top
Subj:     German Couple Wanted To Have A Baby (S386)
          From: jerry on 6/12/2004

 A German couple who, after 8 frustrating years of failing to
 have a baby, sought help from the University Clinic of Lubek
 only to be told that they must have s*ex if they want to have
 a baby.

 According to a University spokesperson, "When we asked them
 how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said:
 'What do you mean?'".  "We are not talking retarded people
 here," the spokesperson continued, "but a couple who were
 brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware,
 after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements
 necessary to procreate."

 The couple, also smiling for the first time, are now being
 given appropriate counseling ... and a high speed Internet
 connection.

 The University, amazed to have found a man who actually
 thinks only with his brain, is undertaking a study to see
 if there are other such couples.

 Charlotte Observer (Charlotte, North Carolina) 3-Jun-04

Top
Subj:   German Couple Wanted To Have A Baby II
        From: LABLaughsAdult
        on 7/5/2006 (S493c)
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20060705

  This is a newspaper clipping of German couple who had
 not been able to have children.  This amazing article
 can be read at the source above, or on my web site by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     British Child Support Forms (S374, S537c)
          From: jbcary1 on 3/26/2004
      and From: AFine963 on 5/3/2007

 The following are all replies that British women have put
 on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing
 father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A
 was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of
 the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on
 the same night.

 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child
 as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly
 from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men
 that I think were at the party if this helps.

 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.
 She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had
 unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember
 that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage
 to track down the father, can you send me his phone number?
 Thanks.

 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.
 He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in
 one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service
 stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter
 from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
 immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs
 me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have
 cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn
 between doing right by you and right by the country. Please
 advise.

 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all
 squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a
 Royal Green Jacket.

 8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up
 with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived
 at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that
 I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs
 earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched
 more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive,
 mine might have remained unfertilized.

 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
 baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be
 sure which one made you fart.

Top
Subj:     Pregnant Lady Shot Three Times (S290, DU)
          From: Grampsboyd on 8/20/2002

 A pregnant woman with triplets was walking down the street,
 when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her
 three times in the stomach.  Luckily the babies are okay!
 The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it was
 too risky to operate.  The woman had two healthy girls and
 a healthy son.

 All went fine for 16 years, until one day, one of the
 daughters busted in her room in tears.  "What's wrong?",
 asks the mother.  "I was taking a pee, and this bullet
 came out.", replied the daughter.  The mother tells her
 that it`s okay, and explains to her what happened sixteen
 years ago.

 A week later, the second daughter runs into her room in
 tears.  "Mom, I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out."
 Again the mother tells her daughter not to worry and
 explains what happened sixteen years ago.

 A week later, her son came into her room in tears.  "It`s
 okay!", says the Mom. "I know what happened!  You were
 taking a pee, and a bullet came out."

 "No.", says the boy. "I was playing with myself, and I shot
 the dog!!"

Top
Subj:     Mother Angry, Daughter Pregnant (S288)
          From: dogbyte on 7/31/2002

 A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to
 give her an examination to determine the cause of the
 daughter's swollen abdomen.

 It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a
 break, lady!  Your daughter is pregnant!"

 The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the
 doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would
 *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

 The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

 The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out
 the window!  Aren't you paying attention to me?"

 "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am.  It's just
 that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the
 east, and three wise men came.  I was hoping they'd show
 up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter
 pregnant!"

Top
Subj:     Baby Sues Over Pregnancy (S258b)
          From: jerry on 1/2/2002

 A state appeals court in Miami, Florida, ruled that children
 have the right to sue their mothers for injuries caused by
 bad driving during pregnancy.  The lawsuit was initiated by
 a MOTHER on behalf of her 7-year-old daughter who sustained
 severe permanent injuries in a traffic accident the day
 before she was born and whose mother was deemed to be
 partially responsible for the accident.

 Why does the mother want her daughter to sue her?

 Because it's the insurance company who gets to pay the award.

 Meanwhile, although winning the suit against her mother, as
 her mother wishes, bears evidence that the mother was
 responsible for the injuries, no criminal charges can be
 brought against the mother for endangering her child because
 Florida has a law against such criminal actions.

 The insurance company will appeal the decision to the Florida
 Supreme Court hoping that the concept will be rejected as it
 was by the Illinois Supreme Court which contended that if
 such lawsuits were permitted, then the moment of conception
 would create a relationship between mother and fetus as that
 of legal adversaries.

 Miami Herald 20-Dec-01

Top
Subj:     Couple Get Help For Pregnancy (S251, S538c)
          From: RFSlick on 11/22/2001
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 4/20/2007

 The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to
 use a surrogate father to start their family.

 On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
 his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
 Half an hour later, just by  chance, a door-to-door baby
 photographer rang the doorbell, hoping  to make a sale.

 "Good morning madam. I've come to ..."

 "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs.
 Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked.  "Well,
 good! I've made a specialty of babies."

 "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in
 and have a seat."

 After a  moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
 start?"

 "Leave  everything to me.  I usually try two in the bath-
 tub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
 Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can
 really spread out!"

 "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work
 for Harry and me."

 "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
 time.  But if we try several different positions and I
 shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased
 with the results."

 "My, that's a lot of ..." gasped  Mrs. Smith.

 "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd
 love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
 disappointed with that, I'm sure."

 "Don't I know it." Mrs. Smith said  quietly.

 The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
 portfolio of his baby pictures.  "This was done on the
 top of a bus."

 "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
 handkerchief.

 "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
 consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

 "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

 "Yes, I'm  afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
 park to get the job done right.  People were crowding
 around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

 "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in
 amazement.

 "Yes", the photographer said. "For more than three hours,
 too.  The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I
 could hardly concentrate.  Then darkness approached and I
 began to rush my shots.  Finally, when the squirrels began
 nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

 Mrs. Smith leaned  forward. "You mean they actually chewed
 on your, um...equipment?"

 "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up
 my tripod so that we can get to work."

 "Tripod??"

 Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.  It's
 much too big for me to hold very long ...

 Madam? Madam?

Top
Subj:     Changes Now That The Baby Has Arrived (S250, DU)
          From: WSelwa on 11/16/20

 Hubby drops to No.2 on the list of people drooling at the
 sight of your breasts.

 Finally, someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least
 for a year or so.

 You develop a liking for minivans, sensible shoes, and a
 deep-seated contempt for Michael Jackson.

 You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your
 round little belly anymore now that you're just FAT.

 Goodbye, Happy Hour ... Hello, Happy Meal!

 Can't leave the AK-47s under the couch anymore.

 No longer get arrested for whipping out your breast on the
 subway.

 The realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.

 Well, there goes the pet dingo.

 Cases of Bud Light quickly replaced by cases of Butt Wipes.

 Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox," but the cat
 is seriously torqued about it.

 For efficiency, your paycheck now direct-deposited to Disney.

 The closest you come to orgasm is when you think of sleep.
 

Top
Subj:     Lamaze Class (S240)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/3/2001

 A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were
 given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of
 sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be
 pregnant.  The husband stood up and shrugged saying,
 "This doesn't feel so bad."

 The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband
 to pick it up.

 "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant,
 the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

 "Exactly," replied the instructor.

 To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his
 wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Top
Subj:     Six-Year Old's Mother Is Pregnant (S146, DU)
          From: KMacinty on 11/18/1999

 For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade
 teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected
 at his house.  One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the
 movements of the unborn child.  The six-year old was obviously
 impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped
 telling his teacher about the impending event.

 The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy,
 whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were
 expecting at home?"  Tommy burst into tears and confessed,
 "I think Mommy ate it!"

Top
Subj:     Where Babies Come From (S398b)
          From: JokesAndHumor.com on 9/8/04
          At: http://www.jokesandhumor.com/babies.html
 

Top
Subj:     Basic Pregnancy Questions (S131A, S381b)
          From: KMacinty on 8/3/99
      and From: Imogenelumen on 5/15/2004

  Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears
     boxers rather than briefs?
  A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't
     wear anything at all.

  Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when
     I got pregnant?
  A: Have sex once a year.

  Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
  A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

  Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby
     will be beautiful enough for commercials.  Who should I
     contact about this?
  A: Your therapist.

  Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
  A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

  Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or
     the flu?
  A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

  Q: My husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are
     dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
  A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

  Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even
     my feet have grown.  Is there anything that gets smaller
     during pregnancy?
  A: Yes, your bladder.

  Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to
     bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
  A: Depends on what you're doing with them.

  Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile
     at me. Why?
  A: Cause you're fatter then they are.

  Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
     sometimes she's borderline irrational.
  A: So what's your question?

  Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
  A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

  Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy
     bring on labor?
  A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

  Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant
     woman and a Playboy centerfold?
  A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's
     good for him.

  Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
     during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
  A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an
     air current.

  Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
  A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

  Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
     while my wife is in labor?
  A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

  Q: I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who
     will see me in that delicate position?
  A: Authorized personnel only doctors, nurses, oderlies,
     photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

  Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
  A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

  Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
  A: In your breasts.

  Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
  A: Yes, baby lips.

  Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
  A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink
     her plans to nurse.

  Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
  A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling
     them in a saucepan.

  Q: What are the terrible twos?
  A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

  Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
  A: When you see teeth marks.

  Q: What is the grasp reflex?
  A: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new
     mother's breasts.

  Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
  A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from
     her breast and puts him to sleep first.

  Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
  A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event
     of global chemical warfare.

  Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
  A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

  Q: What causes baby blues?
  A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

  Q: What is colic?
  A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

  Q: What are night terrors?
  A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams
     she's pregnant again.

  Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin
     to feel and act normal again?
  A: When the kids are in college.

From: Cypriot on 1/4/2002
  Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
  A: No, 35 children is enough.

  Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
  A: Childbirth.

  Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
  A: Yes, pregnancy.

Top
Subj:     Lady Has Strange Baby (S104, S353)
          From: humorlist-digest V3 #18 on 99-01-21

 A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is
 asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be
 present at the birth.

 "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

 "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

 "No, no boyfriend either."

 "Do you have a partner then?"

 "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

 After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

 "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you
 before you see her that the baby is black"

 "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with
 no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a
 Porno movie.  The lead man was black."

 "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none
 of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these
 awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby
 has blonde hair."

 "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately
 needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved
 in the movie, what else could I do?"

 "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of
 my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has
 slanted eyes."

 "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and
 there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really
 had no choice."

 At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and
 presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give
 baby a slap on the bum.  The baby starts crying and the
 mother exclaims, "Well thank god for that!"

 "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

 "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
 feeling that it was going to bark."

Top
Subj:     If Men Got Pregnant (58, DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #235 on 98-03-09

 * Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay

 * There would be a cure for stretch marks

 * Natural childbirth would become obsolete

 * Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem

 * All methods of birth control would be 100% effective

 * Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

 * Men would be eager to talk about commitment

 * They wouldn't think twins were so cute

 * Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

 * Briefcases would be used as diaper bags

 * Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

 * They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

 * Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's

 * Women would rule the world

Top
Subj:     Three Pregnant Ladies Knitting Baby Clothsn (DU)

 Three pregnant ladies are knitting cloths for their unborn
 babies.  The first woman looks at her watch, "oh" she says,
 stops knitting and reaches into her purse and pulls out a
 little black box, and out from the little black box pulls
 a pill, and then swallows the pill.  She turns and smiles
 to the other ladies and says "Iron, good for mother
 (pointing at her chest) good for baby" (then rubs her
 stomach).  The other ladies smile and all continue knitting.

 15 minutes later, the second woman looks at her watch, "oh"
 she says, stops knitting and reaches into her purse and
 pulls out a little black box, and out from the little black
 box pulls a pill, and then swallows the pill.  She turns
 and smiles to the other ladies and says "Calcium, good for
 mother (pointing at her chest) good for baby" (then rubs
 her stomach).  The other ladies smile and all continue
 knitting.

 15 minutes later, the third woman looks at her watch, "oh"
 she says, stops knitting and reaches into her purse and
 pulls out a little black box, and out from the little
 black box pulls a pill, and then swallows the pill.  She
 then continues to knit. The other two are curious and
 ask her what the pill was.  "Thalidomide, I can't knit
 sleeves.

Top
Subj:     Pregnant Lady On A Bus Is Laughed At (S95)
          From: JOELFALLON on 98-11-21

 This is from an actual trial in the UK:

 A young woman (several months pregnant) boarded a bus.  When
 she noticed a young man smiling she began feeling  humiliated
 on account of her condition.  She changed her seat and he
 seemed more amused.  She moved again and on her fourth move
 he burst out laughing.  She had him arrested and when the
 case came before the court this was the man's reply when
 asked why he acted in such a manner.

 "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing her
 condition.  She sat under an advertisment which read "Coming
 Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under "Sloans
 Liniments remove Swelling'.  I was even more amused when
 she sat under a shaving advertisment which read 'William
 Stick Did The Trick'.  I could not control myself any longer
 when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisment which
 read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
 He won the case.

Top
Subj:     Pregnant Lady Has A Car Accident (S273e)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/24/2002

 Young pregnant lady was going to the hospital, on the way
 they had a car accident they were fine except a bit shocked.
 The lady gave birth, she had twins. but was so tired from
 the accident and giving birth that she fell asleep.

 Her uncle who was travelling with her, was told to name her
 babies.  After thinking hard he named them.  Later on the
 lady woke up and wanted her babies so she could name them.
 The doctor said her uncle had already done this.

 The lady was quite shocked, she said to the doctor that her
 uncle didn't do very well in school and had a problem with
 English.  The doctor said he had guessed that already.  The
 lady asked what her uncle named them.

 The doctor said he named the girl Denise.

 The lady said wow thats a really nice name.

 The doctor said he named the boy Denephew.


Subj:     Short Pregnant Jokes

Top
Subj:     Sure Sign of Being Pregnant (S559c)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 10/2/2007
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19890901
 This picture is so heartwarming, I had to include it.
 You can view it at the source above, or on my web site
 by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Bad Baby Names (S457)
          From: igiggle
          on 11/5/2005
 Source: http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/index.html
 Funny commentary on the cruelty people inflict on their children.
 

Top
Subj:     Prenant Lady Goes into Labor and Start Shouting (S448b)
          From: Readers Digest on September of 2005
 My wife was in labor with iur first child.  Things were
 going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout,
 Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't".

 "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

 "Nothing.  She's just having contractions."
 

Top
Subj:     Present At Birth? (S425b)
          From: JokesUncut on 3/3/2005
 "Will the father be present during the birth?" asked
 the obstetrician solicitously.

 "Nah," replied the mother to be.  "He and my husband
 don't get along."
 

Top
Subj:     Doctor Answers Pregnant Lady's Question (S405b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/20/2004
 A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her
 obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said,
 "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor
 replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on
 her shoulder.  "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine
 until late in the pregnancy."
 "No, that's not it," the woman confessed.
 "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
 

Top
Subj:     Winners In The Sexual Abstinence Contest (S275c)
          From: jerry on 5/8/2002
 Two winners in a sexual abstinence essay contest in
 Paterson, NJ, a part of the annual Healthy Mothers, Healthy
 Babies teen health fair, are now pregnant, and they are not
 married and they are still in high school.

 CBS News 2-May-02
 

Top
Subj:     Couple Couldn't Have Baby (S259b)
          From: jerry on 10/22/2001
 A Romanian couple who went to their local fertility clinic
 to complain that, despite frequent sex, they could not
 conceive.  They went home however with new hope after
 doctors explained to them that they were doing it all wrong.
 That one cannot get pregnant having anal sex.

 Evenimentul Zilei (Romania) via Ananova 19-Oct-01
 

Top
Subj:     Mother And Daughter Discuss Pregnancy (S211)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/17/2001
 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
 year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to
 get into the shower.  She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

 I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in
 her tummy."

 "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
 

Top
Subj:     Two Rednecks Discuss Vacation (S208, S729)
          From: DoctorDebt on 2/14/2005
      and From: hilary.miller05 on 1/5/2011
 Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy
 Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a
 vacation.  Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
 The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to
 go.

 Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.  I went to Hawaii
 and Earline got pregnant.  Then two years ago, you told
 me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
 Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't
 get pregnant again."

 Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that
 is different?"

 Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
 

Top
Subj:     Pregnant Lady Fishes (DU)
          From: Newsgroup: rec.humor.funny
 Heard way back in the late 1940's:
     A popular place to fish nearby is a bridge across a salt water river.
 Frequently folks would change from one side of the bridge to another.  One
 of these was an obviously pregnant lady who simply stepped off the curb
 right in the path of a pickup truck.   Fortunately, the driver was able to
 stop in time.  He yelled out the window, "You could get knocked down, too!"
 

 What first went on sale to the public in pharmacies on May 9, 1960?
 Birth control pills

 A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
 contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
 doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

From: BawdyNet Collage on 98-04-20
 New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get
 pregnant.  Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long
 Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a
 Camaro with sticky hair.

 Q: Did you hear about the woman with a piece of glass for a belly button?
 A: She was said to have a womb with a view !!!

 Q: Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
 A: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper!!

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