Subj: Pregnant Jokes
(Includes 37 jokes and articles, 29890,5,cf,md4v,3)
Click "Here" for Pregnant-Supp
Pregnant Lady from
Also See ASIAN-CHINESE- 'Chinese
Couple Names Wong Have A Baby'
BALLS file - 'Kicked In Balls Vs Child Birth'
BIRDS file - 'Storks Delivering Babies'
BLONDE1 file - 'Three Pregnant Ladies Having Exams'
BLONDE2 file - 'Where Babies Come From'
BREAST file - 'Three Babies Poem'
BUTLER-MAID - 'Live-In Maid'
CARS-SUPP2 - 'Super Bowl 2013 Ad: Where Do Babies Come From?' - Video
CLINTONSCDL1 - 'Hillary Is Pregnant'
.........COLLEGE1 file- 'Qualifications For US President'
COMPUTERS-SUP- 'How Was I Born?'
CONDOM file..- 'The Ring' - Photo
DENTIST file - 'Dentist Tells Woman Of Cavity'
DOCTOR2 file - 'Doctor Gets Nurse Pregnant'
......................- 'Doctor Invents Pain Transfer Machine'
DOCTOR3 file - 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby w/Dad's Help'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Mother Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating'
DRINKINGBEER2- 'Beer Cartoon'
ELDERLY2 file- '80 Year Old Has Three Kids'
......................- '90 Year Old Geezer Has Baby'
FACTS2 file - 'Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly And Get Pregnant'
FACTS5 file - 'Some Abortions Illegal'
FARMER2 file - 'Charges For Servicing A Cow'
......................- 'Handsome Man Wants To Marry'
FIREMAN file - 'The Pregnant Fireman'
FUNERAL file - 'Woman Dies After Three Husbands'
HOSPITAL2 - 'True Hospital Stories'
......................- 'Guessing Baby's Weight'
......................- 'Lamaze Class'
......................- 'A Hermaphrodite Baby'
......................- 'Four Guys In The Waiting Room'
......................- 'Rescuing Hug'
HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'Whyatt Cartoons - New Baby Smell'
JOBS3 file - 'Secretary Tells Boss Bad News'
JUDGE file - 'Laughing Man Goes On Trial'
JUDGE-SUPP - 'Child Support Lawsuit May Send Mom To Jail'
KIDS2 file - 'Baby Born Who Can Talk'
......................- 'The Last Child Support Check'
KIDS4 file - 'Preparation For Parenthood'
KIDS5 file - 'Baby Picture - Learning To Walk'
LOVE file - 'Two Brooms In Love'
MARRIAGE2 - 'Husband Sobbing In Basement'
......................- 'Couple Wants To Have Another Child'
OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Hamsters Named Bert And Ernie'
OTH-ANIM-SUP2- 'Dolphin Birth In Hawaii' - Video
OTHER-OCCUP - 'Baby Names Based On Occupation'
PENIS2 file - 'Texan Has A Baby'
PREACHER file- 'The Preacher's Wife Was Pregnant'
PRIEST1 file - 'The Priest Has A Baby'
PUSSY file - 'Country Doctor Delivers Baby w/Kid's Help'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Two Rednecks Discuss Infidelity'
SEX3 file - 'Sex In The Dark'
SIGNS-NAMES - 'Baby's Name Based On Occupation'
......................- 'Cute Pan Handler Sign'
SOUTHERN file- 'Two Southern Ladies Talk'
THANKSGV-SUPP- 'Pregnant Turkey'
Birth Of Japanese Baby (S474b,d)
To view this funny, MPG video on my web site, click 'HERE'.
Subj: Italian Girl Pregnant (S554)
From: allenbergman on 8/28/2007
An 18 year old Italian girl tells
her Mom that she has missed
her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to
the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result
shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying,
the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I
want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari
stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably
dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari
and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father, mother,and the girl and tells them: "Good morning,
your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry
her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born,
I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy
is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a
factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who
had remained silent, places
a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You
Subj: The Midwife Show-And-Tell (S423b, S639b)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/5/2005
This is a classroom story, NOT a joke.
I've been teaching now for about
fifteen years. I have two
kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I
saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When
I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness
and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in
pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch,
stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and
talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl,
Erica, a very bright, very
outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of
the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She
holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you
about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as
a symbol of their love, and
then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
there he ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her
hands on the pillow, and I'm
trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two
Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!
Now the kid's doing this hysterical
duck walk, holding her
back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She
delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car
like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in
bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against
"And then, pop! My Mom
had this bag of water she kept in
there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and
spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has
her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water
flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts
saying 'push, push, and breathe,
breathe.'" "They started counting, but never even got past
ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was
covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-
center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big
theatrical bow and returned
to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since
then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just
in case another Erica comes along.
Subj: Pregnant Lady And Farmer Talk On Bus (S411, S608c)
From: JokesUncut on 12/2/2004
and From: hellgunner50 on 8/26/2008
A young lady had just visited
her doctor and he informed her
that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for
ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on
the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share
the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to
her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
Sir, she said, I just received
the best news you could ever
imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She
told him the news that the doctor had told her about being
pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his
experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with
his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the
hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs.
He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed
cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially,
Subj: Granddaughter Born In Japan (S390b, S743)
From: mrx on 7/17/2004
and From: firstname.lastname@example.org on 4/6/2011
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan,
my son and his wife were
expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called
me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth.
I took down all the statistics
and turned to relate it all
to my co-workers. "I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's
a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds."
"When was she born?" someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told
me, I stopped, looked at
the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
Subj: German Couple Wanted To Have A Baby (S386)
From: jerry on 6/12/2004
A German couple who, after 8
frustrating years of failing to
have a baby, sought help from the University Clinic of Lubek
only to be told that they must have s*ex if they want to have
According to a University spokesperson,
"When we asked them
how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said:
'What do you mean?'". "We are not talking retarded people
here," the spokesperson continued, "but a couple who were
brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware,
after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements
necessary to procreate."
The couple, also smiling for
the first time, are now being
given appropriate counseling ... and a high speed Internet
The University, amazed to have
found a man who actually
thinks only with his brain, is undertaking a study to see
if there are other such couples.
Charlotte Observer (Charlotte, North Carolina) 3-Jun-04
Couple Wanted To Have A Baby II
on 7/5/2006 (S493c)
This is a newspaper clipping
of German couple who had
not been able to have children. This amazing article
can be read at the source above, or on my web site by
Subj: British Child Support Forms (S374, S537c)
From: jbcary1 on 3/26/2004
and From: AFine963 on 5/3/2007
The following are all replies
that British women have put
on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing
father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of
the father of my twins, child A
was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of
the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on
the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity
of the father of my child
as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly
from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men
that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of
the father of my little girl.
She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember
that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage
to track down the father, can you send me his phone number?
4. I don't know the identity
of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in
one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service
stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with
a man. I am awaiting a letter
from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name
of child A's dad as he informs
me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have
cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country. Please
7. I do not know who the father
of my child was as all
squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a
Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father
of child A. If you do catch up
with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that
my daughter was conceived
at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night
is a blur. The only thing that
I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs
earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched
more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive,
mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity
of the father of my
baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be
sure which one made you fart.
Subj: Pregnant Lady Shot Three Times (S290, DU)
From: Grampsboyd on 8/20/2002
A pregnant woman with triplets
was walking down the street,
when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her
three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay!
The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it was
too risky to operate. The woman had two healthy girls and
a healthy son.
All went fine for 16 years, until
one day, one of the
daughters busted in her room in tears. "What's wrong?",
asks the mother. "I was taking a pee, and this bullet
came out.", replied the daughter. The mother tells her
that it`s okay, and explains to her what happened sixteen
A week later, the second daughter
runs into her room in
tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee, and this bullet came out."
Again the mother tells her daughter not to worry and
explains what happened sixteen years ago.
A week later, her son came into
her room in tears. "It`s
okay!", says the Mom. "I know what happened! You were
taking a pee, and a bullet came out."
"No.", says the boy. "I was playing
with myself, and I shot
Subj: Mother Angry, Daughter Pregnant (S288)
From: dogbyte on 7/31/2002
A mother took her daughter to
the doctor and asked him to
give her an examination to determine the cause of the
daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about
2 seconds to say, "Gimme a
break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury,
and she argued with the
doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would
*never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and
screamed, "Quit looking out
the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention,
ma'am. It's just
that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the
east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show
up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter
Subj: Baby Sues Over Pregnancy (S258b)
From: jerry on 1/2/2002
A state appeals court in Miami,
Florida, ruled that children
have the right to sue their mothers for injuries caused by
bad driving during pregnancy. The lawsuit was initiated by
a MOTHER on behalf of her 7-year-old daughter who sustained
severe permanent injuries in a traffic accident the day
before she was born and whose mother was deemed to be
partially responsible for the accident.
Why does the mother want her daughter to sue her?
Because it's the insurance company who gets to pay the award.
Meanwhile, although winning the
suit against her mother, as
her mother wishes, bears evidence that the mother was
responsible for the injuries, no criminal charges can be
brought against the mother for endangering her child because
Florida has a law against such criminal actions.
The insurance company will appeal
the decision to the Florida
Supreme Court hoping that the concept will be rejected as it
was by the Illinois Supreme Court which contended that if
such lawsuits were permitted, then the moment of conception
would create a relationship between mother and fetus as that
of legal adversaries.
Miami Herald 20-Dec-01
Subj: Couple Get Help For Pregnancy (S251, S538c)
From: RFSlick on 11/22/2001
and From: LABLaughs.com on 4/20/2007
The Smiths were unable to conceive
children, and decided to
use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to ..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've
been expecting you," Mrs.
Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well,
good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I
had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat."
After a moment she asked,
blushing, "Well, where do we
"Leave everything to me.
I usually try two in the bath-
tub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can
really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor?
No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can
guarantee a good one every
time. But if we try several different positions and I
shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased
with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a
man must take his time. I'd
love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it." Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase
and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the
top of a bus."
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed,
tugging at her
"And these twins turned out exceptionally
well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I
finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs.
Smith, eyes widened in
"Yes", the photographer said.
"For more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I
could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I
began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began
nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
"You mean they actually chewed
on your, um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if
you're ready, I'll set up
my tripod so that we can get to work."
Oh yes, I have to use a tripod
to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big for me to hold very long ...
Subj: Changes Now That The Baby Has Arrived (S250, DU)
From: WSelwa on 11/16/20
Hubby drops to No.2 on the list
of people drooling at the
sight of your breasts.
Finally, someone you can beat
at "Got Your Nose," at least
for a year or so.
You develop a liking for minivans,
sensible shoes, and a
deep-seated contempt for Michael Jackson.
You're not so tolerant of strangers
asking to touch your
round little belly anymore now that you're just FAT.
Goodbye, Happy Hour ... Hello, Happy Meal!
Can't leave the AK-47s under the couch anymore.
No longer get arrested for whipping
out your breast on the
The realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.
Well, there goes the pet dingo.
Cases of Bud Light quickly replaced by cases of Butt Wipes.
Junior looks adorable in his
little "sandbox," but the cat
is seriously torqued about it.
For efficiency, your paycheck now direct-deposited to Disney.
The closest you come to orgasm
is when you think of sleep.
Subj: Lamaze Class (S240)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/3/2001
A couple just started their Lamaze
class and they were
given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of
sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be
pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying,
"This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a
pen and asked the husband
to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen
as if I were pregnant,
the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands,
he turned to his
wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Subj: Six-Year Old's Mother Is Pregnant (S146, DU)
From: KMacinty on 11/18/1999
For weeks, a six-year old lad
kept telling his first-grade
teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected
at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the
movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously
impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped
telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy
on her lap and said, "Tommy,
whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were
expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed,
"I think Mommy ate it!"
Subj: Where Babies Come From (S398b)
From: JokesAndHumor.com on 9/8/04
Subj: Basic Pregnancy Questions (S131A, S381b)
From: KMacinty on 8/3/99
and From: Imogenelumen on 5/15/2004
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant
if my husband wears
boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't
wear anything at all.
Q: What is the easiest way to
figure out exactly when
I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: My husband and I are very
attractive. I'm sure our baby
will be beautiful enough for commercials. Who should I
contact about this?
A: Your therapist.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now.
When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting
is morning sickness or
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: My husband has a big nose,
and genes for big noses are
dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant,
my breasts, rear end, and even
my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant,
I haven't been able to go to
bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q: The more pregnant I get,
the more often strangers smile
at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant
and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: Will I love my dog less when
the baby is born?
A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances
can sex at the end of pregnancy
bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q: What's the difference between
a nine-month pregnant
woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's
good for him.
Q: My childbirth instructor
says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an
Q: When is the best time to
get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have
to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: I'm modest. Once I'm in the
hospital to deliver, who
will see me in that delicate position?
A: Authorized personnel only doctors, nurses, oderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Where is the best place to
store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative
to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a
baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink
her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling
them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to
wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new
Q: Can a mother get pregnant
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from
her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: What happens to disposable
diapers after they're thrown away?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event
of global chemical warfare.
Q: Do I have to have a baby
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: What causes baby blues?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q: What is colic?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q: What are night terrors?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams
she's pregnant again.
Q: Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin
to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
From: Cypriot on 1/4/2002
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: What is the most reliable
method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: Is there anything I should
avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Subj: Lady Has Strange Baby (S104, S353)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #18 on 99-01-21
A young lady in the maternity
ward just prior to labour is
asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be
present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing
baby girl, but I must warn you
before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I
was very down on my luck, with
no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a
Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the
midwife, "that's really none
of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these
awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby
has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies,
"you see I desperately
needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved
in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife
repeats, "that's really none of
my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has
"Well yes," continues the girl,
"I was incredibly hard up and
there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really
had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises
collects the baby and
presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give
baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the
mother exclaims, "Well thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely
relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that it was going to bark."
Subj: If Men Got Pregnant (58, DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #235 on 98-03-09
* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay
* There would be a cure for stretch marks
* Natural childbirth would become obsolete
* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem
* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective
* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained
* Men would be eager to talk about commitment
* They wouldn't think twins were so cute
* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM
* Briefcases would be used as diaper bags
* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes
* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy
* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's
* Women would rule the world
Subj: Three Pregnant Ladies Knitting Baby Clothsn (DU)
Three pregnant ladies are knitting
cloths for their unborn
babies. The first woman looks at her watch, "oh" she says,
stops knitting and reaches into her purse and pulls out a
little black box, and out from the little black box pulls
a pill, and then swallows the pill. She turns and smiles
to the other ladies and says "Iron, good for mother
(pointing at her chest) good for baby" (then rubs her
stomach). The other ladies smile and all continue knitting.
15 minutes later, the second
woman looks at her watch, "oh"
she says, stops knitting and reaches into her purse and
pulls out a little black box, and out from the little black
box pulls a pill, and then swallows the pill. She turns
and smiles to the other ladies and says "Calcium, good for
mother (pointing at her chest) good for baby" (then rubs
her stomach). The other ladies smile and all continue
15 minutes later, the third woman
looks at her watch, "oh"
she says, stops knitting and reaches into her purse and
pulls out a little black box, and out from the little
black box pulls a pill, and then swallows the pill. She
then continues to knit. The other two are curious and
ask her what the pill was. "Thalidomide, I can't knit
Subj: Pregnant Lady On A Bus Is Laughed At (S95)
From: JOELFALLON on 98-11-21
This is from an actual trial in the UK:
A young woman (several months
pregnant) boarded a bus. When
she noticed a young man smiling she began feeling humiliated
on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he
seemed more amused. She moved again and on her fourth move
he burst out laughing. She had him arrested and when the
case came before the court this was the man's reply when
asked why he acted in such a manner.
"When the lady boarded the bus
I couldn't help noticing her
condition. She sat under an advertisment which read "Coming
Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under "Sloans
Liniments remove Swelling'. I was even more amused when
she sat under a shaving advertisment which read 'William
Stick Did The Trick'. I could not control myself any longer
when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisment which
read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
He won the case.
Subj: Pregnant Lady Has A Car Accident (S273e)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/24/2002
Young pregnant lady was going
to the hospital, on the way
they had a car accident they were fine except a bit shocked.
The lady gave birth, she had twins. but was so tired from
the accident and giving birth that she fell asleep.
Her uncle who was travelling
with her, was told to name her
babies. After thinking hard he named them. Later on the
lady woke up and wanted her babies so she could name them.
The doctor said her uncle had already done this.
The lady was quite shocked, she
said to the doctor that her
uncle didn't do very well in school and had a problem with
English. The doctor said he had guessed that already. The
lady asked what her uncle named them.
The doctor said he named the girl Denise.
The lady said wow thats a really nice name.
The doctor said he named the boy Denephew.
Subj: Short Pregnant Jokes
Sure Sign of Being Pregnant (S559c)
Bad Baby Names (S457)
Subj: Prenant Lady Goes into Labor and Start Shouting (S448b)
From: Readers Digest on September of 2005
My wife was in labor with iur first child. Things were
going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout,
Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having
Subj: Present At Birth? (S425b)
From: JokesUncut on 3/3/2005
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked
the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the mother to
be. "He and my husband
don't get along."
Subj: Doctor Answers Pregnant Lady's Question (S405b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/20/2004
A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her
obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said,
"My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor
replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on
her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine
until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed.
"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Subj: Winners In The Sexual Abstinence Contest (S275c)
From: jerry on 5/8/2002
Two winners in a sexual abstinence essay contest in
Paterson, NJ, a part of the annual Healthy Mothers, Healthy
Babies teen health fair, are now pregnant, and they are not
married and they are still in high school.
CBS News 2-May-02
Subj: Couple Couldn't Have Baby (S259b)
From: jerry on 10/22/2001
A Romanian couple who went to their local fertility clinic
to complain that, despite frequent sex, they could not
conceive. They went home however with new hope after
doctors explained to them that they were doing it all wrong.
That one cannot get pregnant having anal sex.
Evenimentul Zilei (Romania) via
Subj: Mother And Daughter Discuss Pregnancy (S211)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/17/2001
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to
get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember
Mommy has a baby growing in
"I know," she replied, "but what
is growing in your butt?"
Subj: Two Rednecks Discuss Vacation (S208, S729)
From: DoctorDebt on 2/14/2005
and From: hilary.miller05 on 1/5/2011
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a
vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to
Three years ago you said to go
to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told
me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't
get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what
you gonna do this year that
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm
taking Earline with me."
Subj: Pregnant Lady Fishes (DU)
From: Newsgroup: rec.humor.funny
Heard way back in the late 1940's:
A popular place to fish nearby is a bridge across a salt water river.
Frequently folks would change from one side of the bridge to another. One
of these was an obviously pregnant lady who simply stepped off the curb
right in the path of a pickup truck. Fortunately, the driver was able to
stop in time. He yelled out the window, "You could get knocked down, too!"
What first went on sale to the
public in pharmacies on May 9, 1960?
Birth control pills
A man spoke frantically into
the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
From: BawdyNet Collage on 98-04-20
New studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get
pregnant. Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long
Island Ice Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a
Camaro with sticky hair.
Q: Did you hear about the woman
with a piece of glass for a belly button?
A: She was said to have a womb with a view !!!
Q: Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper!!