sex1

Subj: Sex1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 19 jokes and articles)

SEX1 contains mostly jokes
SEX2 contains jokes and tests
Sex3 oddities and short jokes
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Subj:     Man's Favorite Tool (S460)
          From: darrell94590
          on 11/15/2005

This unseen Superbowl commercial for Fosters beer can be seen
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Fourteen Year Old Has First Sex (S404)
          From: JokesUncut on 10/8/2004
          (See 'Little Johnny Learns About Sex In School' in School3
           and 'Having Sex With Your English Teacher' in Sex2)

Jack comes home from school with a great big smile on his
face. His mom asks him, "Why was he so happy?"

Jack replies, "I just had sex today!"

Well this does not sit well with mom, she immediately begins
shouting at Jack, telling him at 14 he has no business
having sex! She tells him to go to his room and to wait for
his dad to come home. When dad finally arrives, mom fills
him in. She asks him to go upstairs and to have a chat with
Jack.

He knocks on the door and proceeds to go in.

"Hey Jack, your mom tells me you had sex today?"

"Yes," replies Jack sadly.

Dad looks around the room and whispers to him, "Hey, way to
go, son! Your Dad is very, very proud. But if your mom
asks what we talked about, just tell her it was guy stuff."

The next day, dad shares the news with all his coworkers,
bragging that at the age of 14, his son is a man!

When dad goes home that night, he kisses his wife and runs
straight upstairs to see Jack. "Hey Jack! Did you have sex
today again, son?"

Jack replies "No dad, ...my ass still hurts from yesterday."

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Subj:     The Perfect Gift (S130)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/25/99

A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't
know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything,
and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm
stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a
certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any
way she wants it... she'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did
you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead
and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"

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Subj:     A Desperate Plea (S90)
          From: RFSlick on 98-10-17

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be
asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it
going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I
am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful
if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I
can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all
the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat
around the bush any longer so.......

Do you have a piece of gum?

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Subj:     A Taste Of Life (S68, BN2)
          From: RFSlick on 98-05-13

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening
horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent
that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat
race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping
Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her
now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a
position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what
she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at
my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside
her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position
with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to
prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing
climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we
had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled
together in the now damp grass.

As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the
darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in
an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered
how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my
inner ear and whispered: "Baaaaaaaa", then re-joined the flock.

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Subj:     Sex Survey
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #61 on 98-03-11

The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one
of the husbands whose completed form was spread out
before him.

"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between
the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For
example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote 'Three
times a week' and your wife 'Three times a night'."

"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only
until we have paid off the mortage on the house."

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Subj:     Amazing Hot Oral Sex
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #232 on 98-02-23

Had the most interesting conversation with the top sales
weasel at our company today. She came into my office and
noticed I had a box of Altoids on my desk. (Have you had
them? They are these obnoxiously strong peppermints made
in England.) As soon as she saw them, she burst into
laughter.

Turns out she had recently had an affair with a guy who
called her and left her an incredibly steamy voice mail
message after an encounter. He went on and on about what
a blow job goddess she was, how amazing she was, how he'd
never be the same, etc. She was kind of puzzled, thinking:
what did I do to this guy that was so different from my
regular technique?

She finally figured it out: she's a smoker, and before
getting intimate with him, she had gone to the bathroom
to "freshen up." Not having a toothbrush, she crunched
on about four Altoids and then got busy. Apparently,
things went amazingly.

So she passed this little tidbit on to another female
sales weasel, who immediately tried it out on *her*
fiancee. Apparently this guy has never, ever been into
oral sex, but liked the mint sensation so much that he
asked her to stop and chew another Altoid mid-blow job.
He is now a fellatio gourmand. (er... Shouldn't this be
a "gourmet?" After all, this guy now is a connoisseur,
not just someone who likes it... - ^v^)

This news has been going around our office. Having a
box of Altoids on your desk is now like being part of
the Secret Blowjob Goddess Society [SBJGS].

It's the equivalent of having the hottest car or coolest
computer. News spread like crazy among the females, who
all went out at lunch to Walgreens to buy a box of
Altoids (about $2 for 100 or so), and their partners
across the city tonight are getting one hell of a
corporate blow job. As far as company-wide morale
boosting events, it doesn't get much better.

Some of the men found out, too -- they went out after
work to buy them for their wives. They strategized on
how to get their wives to eat them. And people wonder
why I work in technology?

(For what it's worth -- it really does work! It leaves
a lasting tingle that is apparently quite exquisite.)

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Subj:     The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly: (S141, S498)
          From: TA989287 on 10/11/1999
      and From: jbcary1 on 8/9/2006

Good:     Your wife is pregnant.
Bad:      It's triplets
Ugly:     You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good:     Your wife's not talking to you
Bad:      She wants a divorce
Ugly:     She's a lawyer

Good:     Your son is finally maturing
Bad:      He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly:     So are you

Good:     Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad:      You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly:     You're in them

Good:     Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:      You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly:     Your daughter borrowed them

Good:     Your husband understands fashion
Bad:      He's a cross-dresser
Ugly:     He looks better than you

Good:     You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad:      She keeps interrupting
Ugly:     With corrections

Good:     The postman's early
Bad:      He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly:     You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good:     Your son is dating someone new
Bad:      It's another man
Ugly:     He's your best friend

Good:     Your daughter got a new job
Bad:      As a hooker
Ugly:     Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good:     Your children are gregarious
Bad:      They are sexually active.
Ugly:     With each other.

Good:     You and your wife don't argue.
Bad:      Your wife's leaving you.
Ugly:     For another woman.

Good:     Hot outdoor sex.
Bad:      You're arrested.
Ugly:     By your husband.

Good:     The teacher likes your son.
Bad:      Sexually.
Ugly:     The teacher is a guy.

Good:     You came home for a quickie.
Bad:      Your wife walks in.
Ugly:     It's with her daughter.

Good:     You go to see a strip show.
Bad:      Your daughter's the headliner.
Ugly:     You really enjoyed the show.

Good:     Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad:      She's eleven.
Ugly:     She really likes grandpa.

Good:     Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad:      He weighs 350 pounds.
Ugly:     You get excited watching.

Good:     Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad:      She's coming home.
Ugly:     She brought her girl friend home.

Good:     Your wife's kinky.
Bad:      With the neighbors.
Ugly:     All of them.

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Subj:     Cartoon - A Stop In The Park (S428b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/11/2005
          Source: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200501/039.htm

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Subj:     High Birth Rate
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth
rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find
out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth
control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to
the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of
the town's high birth rate.

The day the research testing and all was to begin, the
director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the
single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter
delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment
and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town,
above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"

The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You
see, every morning at 4:00, the C?A Railroad comes through
town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings.
That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's
too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get
up."

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Subj:     My Name's Friday (S54)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

My name is Sgt. Friday.
I work on Tuesday.

Tuesday is my secretary.

One night we went to a party.
On our way there, we got a flat tire.
I jacked, she pumped;
I jacked, she pumped;

Then she got out of the car to fix the tire.

When we got to the party, we all felt merry.

Mary got mad and left.
We all jumped for joy.
Joy got mad and left too.

Then a lady jumped out of the party cake.

We all had a piece.

The cake wasn't bad either.

Then I dropped my keys under the couch.
I felt, she felt;
I felt, she felt;

Then I looked under the couch for my keys.

Then I took her home and we sat on the porch.

Someone threw a rock from a car and hit her on the tit.

Broke three of my fingers.

I was going to kiss her good night but she
closed her legs and broke my glasses.

Then her dad came out and told me to beat it.

So I did, then left.

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Subj:     Murphy's Laws Of Sex
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you,
    the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
    it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
    amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
    you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches
    you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him,
    she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man
    are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
    chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. On Sunday pray for
    crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground
    that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a
    lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things
    worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had
    gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-
    dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
    four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating
    nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have
    loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had;
    a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic
    in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't
    love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation;
    the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when
    they n love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."

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Subj:     What If Food Was Dirty And Sex Was Clean? (S52)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #223 on 98-01-17

When you think of it, there are only two things people need.
You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You
don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but
otherwise, it's sex and food.

But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe
God was a Republican. Somebody said, "All right, you want
to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all
the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it."

But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of
other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and
invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't
you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut
him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell
of a time."

What if they had been switched around? What if, through
a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty?
Our entire culture would change. Food would become a
four-letter word.

When people got angry at you, they'd yell out, "Oh yeah?
Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks
in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would
have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod. It's a
pepperoni." Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man,
how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of
fries. Crinkle cut."

Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Super-
markets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the
poultry section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature
peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Fore-
play would be listed as a menu selection. Vice squads
would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right,
put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister."

Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and
a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would
become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by
plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking
for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?" Fudamental
Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.
Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell their children not to play with
their food or they'll go blind. Kids would remember the
first time their mother caught them marinating.

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Subj:     Man With Only 24 Hours To Live Wants Sex (S33, S356)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 16 Sept 97
      and From: RFSlick on 11/24/2003
          (Also see 'Wife Has 12 Hours To Live' in MARRIAGE5)

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only
24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after
they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would
have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her
again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do
you think we could do it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have
sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from
exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again,
"You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about
again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly
agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later,
he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to
keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left
before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and
says, "You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning.
I do!!!"

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Subj:     Sex Pills
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #199 on 97-09-15

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her
that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never
have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The
therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that
might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband
one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell
her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the
therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had
the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen
if she gave her husband two pills, and the therapist says
she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in
telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the
night before and what would happen if she gave him five
pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead
and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells
the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and
what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the
bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an
experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle
could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the
rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and
says: "Are you the dumb screw who gave my mother a bottle
of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"

"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and
dad's sittin' in the corner going, "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."

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Subj:     Sex And Numbers (S40)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #238 on 97-11-02

You MUST try this! It really works.

(For those of you who are not mathematically inclined,
you might need a calculator)

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you
would like to have sex.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year,
add 1747. If you haven't, add 1746.

6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.

RESULTS:

You should now have a three digit number, the first digit of
which was your original number (i.e. how many times you want
to have sex each week). The second two digits are your age!!!

It really works. If it didn't the first time, try again! this
is the only year it will ever work.

-----------------------------------

Mathically explained:

If X is your answer to #1, the rest boils down to:

(2*X + 5)*50 - 1747 [or 1746] - Birth Year

simplifying:

100*X + 1997 [1996] - Birth Year

The claim that "It will only work this year." is correct, but
only to the extent that next year you'd use 1748 [1747], etc.

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Subj:     Guide To Safe Fax
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many
    single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young
    and had to write memos to each other until they were
    twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be
    before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you can learn
    the correct precedures.
Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and
    pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax
    drives and must pay a "professional" when their need
    to fax becomes too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing,
    a cover should be used to insure safe faxing.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and
    I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they
    haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over (most
    people don't mind if you try again).
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions
    become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use
    a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you
    are not supposed to.

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Subj:     You Have Flunked Sex Education If You Said...
          From: grs on 97-12-04

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3. Spread eagle is an extinct bird.
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
8. Anus is a Latin term for sailors.
9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Texas.
12. Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
17. An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East
22. Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
25. Douche is the French word for "two."

     From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
26. A vulva is an automobile from Sweden.
27. The term spread eagle is an extinct bird.
28. A fallopian tube is part of a television.
29. It is dangerous to have a wet dream under
     an electric blanket.
30. Copulation is sex between two policemen.
31. A phallus symbol is McDonalds Golden Arches.
32. A vagina is a medical term used to describe
     heart trouble.
33. Fellatio is an Italian dagger.
34. A G-string is a weapon used by G-men.
35. An anus is a Latin word denoting a period of time.
36. Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages.
37. Masturbate is something used to catch big fish.
38. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
39. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
40. A condom is an apartment dweller.

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Subj:     Cyber Slut (S515c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 11/27/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20061122
This animated GIF is silly, cute, dumb, and dirty. You can
view it at the source above, or on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.

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Smileys play around from
index of /smilie

.