Subj: Sex2 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 19 jokes and articles)
Sexy Drawing from
Gameznets Big Boys Toys
| >>>
Subj: Sex2 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 19 jokes and articles) |
|
Sexy Drawing from Gameznets Big Boys Toys |
SEX1 contains mostly jokes
SEX2 contains jokes & tests
Sex3 oddities and short jokes
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| Subj:
Wine Opener (S507c)
From: darrell94590 on 10/9/2006 |
 |
This 2,500 KB movie is a dirty,
funny commercial. You can
view it on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
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Subj: Waiting
For You... (S446)
From: darrell94590 on 8/5/2005
I lie awake waiting for you.
As I lie on my bed, thinking
about you, I feel this strong
urge to grab you and squeeze
you, because I can't forget
last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy
and calm night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves
a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and
shamelessly, without any
reservations, you lay on my
naked body. You sensed my
indifference, so you applied
your hungry mouth to me with-
out any guilt or humiliation,
and you nearly drove me
crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were
gone. I searched for you
but to no avail, only the sheets
bore witness to last night's
events. My body still bears
faint marks of your enthusiastic
ravishings, making it
harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting
for you... “You fucking
mosquito!”
\\\//
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Subj: Buying
An Inflatable Doll (S438b)
From: darrell94590 on 6/21/2005
A man goes into an adult entertainment
shop and asks the
assistant for an inflatable
doll.
"Would you like male of female?"
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"White, please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man...
and he replied, "What has
the religion got to do with
it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up"
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Subj: The
Sex Fairy (S383)
From: mrx on 5/21/2004
I am not about to break the chain on this one!
This is hilarious! Be sure to
read the warning at the
bottom. That's why I didn't
want to take any chances
with this one! I'm not messing
with the Sex Fairy.
1.Sex is a beauty treatment.
Scientific tests find
that when women make love they
produce amounts of the
hormone estrogen, which makes
hair shine and skin
smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking
reduces your chances of
suffering dermatitis, skin rashes
and blemishes. The
sweat produced cleanses the
pores and makes your skin
glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those
calories you piled on
during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports
you can take up.
It stretches and tones up just
about every muscle in
the body. It's more enjoyable
than swimming 20 laps,
and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for
mild depression. It
releases endorphins into the
bloodstream, producing a
sense of euphoria and leaving
you with a feeling of
well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the
more you will be
offered. The sexually active
body gives off greater
quantities of chemicals called
pheromones. These
subtle sex perfumes drive the
opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer
in the world. IT IS
10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN
VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep
the dentist away.
Kissing encourage saliva to
wash food from the teeth
and lowers the level of the
acid that causes decay,
preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches.
A lovemaking
session can release the tension
that restricts blood
vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock
a stuffy nose.
Sex is a natural antihistamine.
It can help combat
asthma and hay fever.
This message has been sent to
you for good luck in
sex. The original is in a room
in the basement of the
Dwight House Pub. It has been
sent around the world
nine times. Now sex has been
sent to you.
The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit
you within four days
of receiving this message provided
you, in turn, send
it on. If you don't, then you
will never receive good
sex again for the rest of your
life. You will
eventually become celibate,
and your genitals will
rot and fall off. This is no
joke! Send copies to
people you think need sex (who
doesn't?). Don't send
money, as the fate of your genitals
has no price.
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Subj: Having
Sex With Your English Teacher (S337)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/8/2003
A young boy comes home from school
& his mother says "What
did you do today?"
To which the boy answers "oh
the usual, I had a math test,
I got an A in Spelling and I
had sex with my English
teacher."
The mother , aghast, doesn't
know that to say. She
stems & stammers and finally,
angrily, she says "go
in & tell your father what
you just told me!"
The boy goes into see his father
& says "gee, mom sure
is mad." The father says "why?"
"I just told her what I did in
school today. I had a
math test, I got an A in Spelling
and I had sex with my
english teacher."
Well the father is beside himself
with joy. He gives his
son a nudge and a wink and says
"congratulations -- you
passed a milestone. I tell you
what --let's go out and
celebrate. We'll have some ice
cream and then I'll buy
you a new bike."
To which the boy says --"the
ice cream sounds great Dad,
but let's hold off on the bike
a few days -- my ass is
killing me."
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Subj: Sex
In The Corn Field (S272)
From: dogbyte on 4/13/2002
A young white trash couple are
having sex in a muddy corn
field one evening. The
fellow asks, "Honey, could you
check to see if it's in you
or if it's in the mud???" She
reaches down and checks.
"It's in the mud," she tells him.
"Well,... could you put it back
in???"
She puts it back in and they
continue having sex for a
while before he asks again,
"Honey, could you check to
see if it's in you or if it's
in the mud???" She checks
again and says, "It's still
in me, big fella!!!"
"Ummm,... could you put it back in the mud, please???"
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Subj: Sex
Doggy Style II (S263c)
From: thebartend on 2/14/2002
(See 'Sex Doggy Style' in SEX3)
Two guys are riding to work on
the bus. They both see two
dogs goin' at it on a lawn.
One guy, who's married, looks
at the other and says, "Jeez,
I'd give anything to do it
to my wife like that."
The other, a single guy, says,
"Heck, that's easy. Just
feed her three martinis."
The same two guys are riding
the bus to work the next
morning. The single one
asks the other, "Well, did you
get to do it to your wife doggie
style?"
The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."
The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?"
The husband replies, "Hell, it
took three just to get her
out on the lawn."
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Subj: Mom
Finds Bad Magazine (S165)
From: thebartend on 3/29/2000
One day, a mom was cleaning her
son's room and in the closet
she found a bondage S&M
magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his
father got home and showed it
to him. He looked at it
and handed it back to her without a
word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
The dad looked at her and said,
"Well I don't think you should
spank him."
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Subj: Boyfriend
Wants Blowjob (S165, S597)
From: KMacinty on 3/29/2000
and
From: DoctorDebt on 8/18/2003
(Also see 'MasterCard Commercial'
in Movies)
A guy takes his girlfriend back
to her home after being out
together,and when they reach
the front door he leans with one
hand on the wall and says to
her, "Sweetie, why don't you
give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick,
no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative,
a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no
one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie...
I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister
shows up at the door in a
nightgown with her hair totally
in disorder, rubbing her eyes
and says. "Dad says either you
have to blow him, or he will
come down and give the guy a
blowjob himself, but for God's
sake tell him to take his hand
off the intercom!"
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Subj: Favorite
Color
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
Pick your color BEFORE YOU READ
THIS!
Your Favorite Color is the Key
to Your Sexual Life
The cloths you wear, your home
furnishings and the car you
drive all give clues to your
sexual personality. The key
is the colors you select for
your possessions. Most people
claim they haven't a favorite
color. But look around you,
and you'll notice a pattern,
especially in your clothing
and home decor. The predominant
color for you is the one
that appears most frequently
- it's the one that mirrors
the sexual you. A panel
of psychologists, speaking at the
1975 Home Interior Design Forum,
explained the association
between color and sexual patterns.
RED: People who like red
tend to be tigers in the sack.
They are easily aroused and
enjoy sex in every way imagin-
able. Once the sexual
spark is ignited, it may take hours
to extinguish. When two
reds get together, the ensuing
erotica could make Lady Chatterly
blush. Lovers of red
tend to be aggressors and weaker
colors should be aware.
YELLOW: If you tend to
favor yellow, your sexual drives
are complex and turn toward
the adaptable. The favorite
color of homosexuals is yellow.
But don't panic - not
everyone who wears yellow is
queer. In most cases the
person will consent to the stronger
partner's desires in
a passive manner. You
will never enjoy sex to the fullest,
but you will never turn down
an invitation from somebody
you enjoy or admire.
PINK: Persons who like
pink show a reluctance to mature
in sexual matters: women tend
to tease, to promise more
than they intend to deliver.
In some cases they flaunt
their femininity - but because
they secretly hate men.
A great percentage of prostitutes
boast entire wardrobes
in pink. Men who like
pink are the philanderers and
flirts. They are the type
who will make three dates for
the same evening and not keep
one, preferring to pick
up a dish in some bar instead.
Women whose husbands
like pink should keep a secret
nest egg.
PURPLE: Lovers of purple
frequently consider themselves
to be too sophisticated for
a fun romp in the sack.
Women sometimes are the type
who hate to mess their hair.
Men are business-like in their
approach to lovemaking. In
both sexes purple partners are
more concerned with their
fulfillment than anyone else's
gratification.
BLACK: Black color preferences
point to black sex (not
necessarily meaning black partners).
These people are
the misfits of the sex world
and seek out each other in
kinship. They tend to
prefer perverted sex and are
usually masochistic or sadistic
in nature. They are
moody people and often perform
at their peak when under
stress or during unhappy times.
Police psychiatrists
claim that sex offenders prefer
the color black. And
it is no coincidence that the
uniform of monsters and
teenage gangs is black attire.
GREEN: Those who prefer
green are fresh and innocent
in their approach to sex.
Women who love green will
always make love like virgins
all their life. And a
man may always be a trifle clumsy
and awkward but in
a charming and endearing sort
of way. Green lovers
are gentle, but not passionate.
If chosen as a mate,
one will never need worry about
infidelity.
ORANGE: Lovers of the color
orange lean toward sexual
fantasies. The sex act
is regarded as a dramatic one-
act play in which they are the
star. Foreplay is as
important as the act of love.
They whisper sweet
nothings, meaningless dialogue;
they feel it is their
image. Orange people often
do not experience orgasm -
but they put on a darn good
act. Men tend to pull
their partner's hair, and women
leave red welts on the
sex partner's back.
BROWN: If you love brown,
you're a real treasure for
the right mate. Brown
lovers tend to be warm and deep,
sensitive to the needs and desires
of their partners.
Sex is a 24 hour a day thing.
Where you can't say "I
love you" often enough.
Snuggling by the fire, walking
in the rain or catching snowflakes
on their tongue is a
turn-on to a lover of brown.
They need lots of time
and privacy to make love.
But their emotions are such
that one harsh word could end
the affair.
GREY: The color grey a
preferred by people who are
indecisive. They can't
get excited about anything -
including color - so they choose
a noncommittal shade.
Men who prefer grey look at
sex as a way of relieving
tension - but nothing more,
nothing less. It's wham,
bam, thank you ma'am.
Women don't make love, they
have intercourse. And
for one of two reasons only:
to accommodate their mate, or
to become pregnant.
They count the cracks in the
bedroom plaster until
the sex act is over with and
done. But when teamed
with another color, the grey
spouse considers the
other's infidelity a blessing.
When a grey marries
another grey, the marriage is
made in heaven.
BLUE: Lovers of blue are
wonderful sex partners.
They are sinners, affectionate
and sensitive to their
partner's needs. They
consider love making a fine
art and their approach is elegant.
Men who love blue
are like concert pianists, delicately
ravaging their
partner like they would play
a baby grand. Women in
the blue category enjoy sex
to the fullest. They are
exciting partners but their
passion may be compared
to a tidal wave rather than
firery aggression. Both
women and men enjoy foreplay
and the aftermath of
lovemaking, as much as the sex
act itself. In marriage
a blue person is a wonderful
mate - never seeking
outside interests.
WHITE: If a person is infatuated
with white, sex
often seems filthy. These
people are puritanical in
nature. French kissing
is obscene and to make love
in the daylight in unheard of.
Women who love white
will undress beneath the covers.
Men will shower
before and after the sex act.
These people still
use pet names for their genitals.
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Subj: NYC
Carpenter Makes "Ergonomic Erotica" (S41)
By Ellen Wulfhorst
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #205 on 97-10-26
NEW YORK (Reuter -- 08/19/97)
-- No room for a sexual bondage
rack in your city apartment?
Need to hide the spanking horse
when your mother comes to visit?
Hope to surprise your girl-
friend with a "bend-over" chair?
Joe Hurley can meet those needs
and more with the erotic
furniture he designs and builds
in his New York City studio
especially for small spaces.
He sells the "Kinky Joe"
furniture via a mail-order catalog
with the words "HAVE MORE
SEX" emblazoned on front.
The furniture can fit in even
the most cramped city apartment,
the carpenter says. And
for his customers discretion is the
better part of value.
The leaves and legs of the bondage
table are removable, the
suspended leather "love swing"
is easily taken down from its
ceiling hooks and the plastic
bondage "sweat sheet" with steel
rings that guarantee no escape
is completely portable, his
catalog says.
"You can put it in a closet or
a small apartment or move it
around," Hurley volunteered
from the workshop of his cavern-
ous studio in the city's Brooklyn
borough.
His catalog also offers a seemingly
innocent wooden bed head-
board that opens to reveal stocks
with four holes to hold
wrists or ankles and a cushioned
spanking horse for leaning
over that folds up for easy
storage.
WHAT TO DO WHEN MOM VISITS
"People's initial reaction is
that they can't have it in their
house because their mother comes
over. I say, 'You can put it
away or hide it. Don't
worry about it,'" Hurley said.
"The other thing they mention
is to send the catalog in a
plain envelope," he added.
His hottest-selling item is the
bend-over chair, a two-tiered
vinyl-covered contraption that
is built for two and sells for
$450. The more elaborate
pair of multi-level oral sex chairs
costs $750, while for the budget-conscious
the spanking horse
sells for a mere $250, Hurley
said.
Hurley will make items to order
as well, although not all
ideas prove to be good ones.
"One guy wanted a set of railroad
tracks to tie up his damsel
in distress," he recalled, so
he designed eight-foot lengths
of track that could be carried
in two large bags. But the
price hit $2,000 and the customer
opted to take his business
elsewhere.
FROM KITCHEN CABINETS TO KINKY ERGONOMICS
Hurley, 30, got his start building
cabinets and counters but
moved to the kinkier world of
"ergonomic erotica" about two
years ago. Looking at the market
for devices for the sado-
masochist market, he decided
people with less exotic sexual
habits might like their own
special furniture as well.
"The idea is to have a comfortable
position and you never
get tired," he explained.
He does not advertise but does
business through word-of-
mouth, a toll-free telephone
number -- 1-800-70-kinky --
and a Web site (http://www.brainlink.com/~kinkyjoe/GATE.HTML).
His customers are everyday people,
said Hurley, who sports
a wispy beard and a ponytail.
"The people are pretty normal
looking," he said. "In fact,
the more kinky they are the
more proper they appear to be.
They go out of their way to
be more respectable."
Hurley's studio, on the top floor
of an aging building
once used as a financial exchange,
is filled with his
products, not all of which can
be described in print
without an X-rating. He has
turned one room into an S&M
dungeon, complete with handcuffs,
skulls, whips and chains
on its black walls, and will
build dungeons to order for
customers.
And what happens when his mother comes to visit?
"For a while, she didn't really
bring it up," he said of
his chosen profession.
"Now she does. I'm making a living,
so that's a success to her."
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Subj: Calories
Burned By Various Sexual Activities (S32, S375b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #191 on 97-09-05
and
From: DoctorDebt on 4/1/2004
ACTIVITY...........................CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner`s consent............................12
Without partner`s consent........................187
UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands...............................7
Using one trembling hand..........................36
GETTING INTO BED:
Lifting partner...................................15
Dragging partner along floor......................16
Using skateboard...................................3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man.............................2.5
Losing erection...................................14
Searching for it.................................115
PUTTING ON CONDOM:
With erection......................................1.5
Without erection.................................300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is
Experienced........................................6
Inexperienced.....................................73
If a man does it.................................650
Add (5) calories for retreiving
it from across the room.
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian-Man on top, woman in
kitchen..............26
Russian- Woman on bottom, Man
getting permission..55
American- Both on top.............................60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE:
Bouncing...........................................7
Sliding around.....................................9
Serious skidding..................................12
Whiplash..........................................27
ORGASM:
Real..............................................27
Faked............................................160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off....................................35
Expression didn`t change............................1/2
Orchestra swelled..................................6
Birds sang.....Large birds.........................7
Small birds........................................3
Earth moved.......................................30
PULLING OUT:
After orgasm........................................1/2
A few moments before orgasm......................500
PENIS ENVY:
For woman..........................................3
For men...........................................72
GUILT:
Despite no formal training,
orgasm comes easily,
naturally......................................53
You`re enjoying sex, despite
the fact that
other people are
starving.......................2
Sex on your lunch hour.............................3
Putting it on expense account.....................20
AGGRAVATION:
Partner keeps showing plants.......................5
Partner insists on cuddling
the dog
during foreplay................................14
Partner just visited bathroom
for 7th time........10
Partner is taking phone calls......................7
Partner is making phone calls.....................40
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner`s spouse...............................60
By your spouse...................................100
Trying to explain.................................55
Trying to remain calm............................100
Leaping out of bed................................75
Getting dressed in one motion....................500
Thanking partner quickly...........................2
\\\//
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Subj: Eye
Chart (S455b)
From: auntiegah on 10/6/2005
(Also see 'Eye Chart' in Sex Drawings.
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Subj: Sex
Quiz
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
1. The true definition of safe
sex is:
a) Using
a condom
b) Keeping
it in your pants
c) Dating
only Roseanne look-alikes
d) Using
a football helmet & a padded headboard
2. Most women feel that a large
penis is:
a) Somewhat
important
b) Very important
c) Not important
at all
d) A great
way to scratch their belly buttons from the inside
3. The biggest myth about sex
is:
a) Masturbation
will make you go blind
b) (read
"b" again)
c) Pulling
out will prevent pregnancy
d) You'll
actually get to have some one day
4. A man with big hands:
a) Has a
great chance of being picked up when hitch hiking
b) Always
gets caught in the cookie jar
c) Never
fails to start the "wave" at sporting events
d) None of
the above
5. Your penis is so small that:
a) If it
were 3 inches smaller, you'd have a scab on your butt
b) If you
walked into a brick wall with an erection,
you'd break your nose
c) Your condoms
are often mistaken for thimbles
d) Whenever
a woman sees you naked, you try to tell her
you used to date Lorena Bobbit
6. Women prefer sex that is:
a) Slow and
passionate
b) Fast and
rough
c) With anyone
but you
d) All of
the above
7. It's a fact that "you are
what you eat," that's why people call you:
a) A pussy
b) An ass
c) A big
dick
d) Pasta
Primavera
8. The easiest way to tell that
someone is lousy in bed:
a) They ask
if you believe that it's possible for a woman to enjoy sex
b) When they
hear the term "French tickler" they ask
what it's called if they don't speak French
c) They call
the cleaners to order G-spot remover
d) The take
"sexual knowledge" quizzes
9. The most popular sexual position
is:
a) Woman
on top
b) "69"
c) Doggy
style
d) Shortstop
10. It's always best to buy more than
one pair of edible panties:
a) So you'll
have one to eat on the way home
b) To hand
out something different at Halloween
c) It is?
d) Mom says
you should always wear clean ones
in case you're ever in an accident
11. A guaranteed way to reach an intense
orgasm during masturbation is to:
a) Do what
you always do
12. The thing that makes the average
male incredibly horny is:
a) Oxygen
b) A well-groomed
sheep
c) Not having
had sex for at least 6-8 minutes
d) Laying
in an oxygen tent with a well-groomed sheep
that you haven't had sex with for at least 6-8 minutes
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Subj: Purity
Test II (S239b)
From: dogbyte on 8/27/2001
A little different than the
test I took as a kid. Heck
they they don't even have the
bicycle seat question.
1. Ever tried alcohol?
(1 point)
2. Ever been drunk? (2
points)
3. Ever play drinking
games? (2 points)
4. Ever fall down because
you drank too much? (3 points)
5. Ever drink enough
to throw up? (4 points)
(bonus:
Throwing up on another person -- 1 point)
6. Ever wake up and not
remember what you did the night
before?
(5 points)
7. Ever been forcibly
removed from a bar? (8 points)
8. Ever participated
in/finished a pub crawl? (5 points)
9. Do you drink regularly/
at least 3 times a week? (3 pts)
(bonus:
1 point for each additional day -- max. 7 pts)
10. Ever fall asleep/pass
out in a bar? (4 points)
11. Ever laughed at a
physically or mentally handicapped
person?
(2 points)
12. Ever laughed at someone
else's misfortune? (1 point)
13. Ever try pot, hash,
or magic mushrooms?
(4
points for each one tried)
14. Do you do drugs regularly?
(4 points)
(bonus:
at least 4 times a week -- 4 points)
15. Ever bought "soft"
drugs? (4 points)
16. Ever sell drugs? (8
points)
17. Ever sell drugs to
support a drug habit? (12 points)
18. Ever used barbituates?
(8 points)
19. Ever used hallucinogens?
(8 points)
20. Ever used narcotics?
(10 points)
21. Ever been stoned or
drunk for more than 48 hours?
(8
points)
22. Ever been on a date?
(2 points)
23. Ever been felt up
or groped? (2 points)
(bonus:
to orgasm -- 2 points)
24. Ever had sexual intercourse?
(6 points)
(bonus:
on first date -- 2 points)
25. Ever had a bath or
shower with the opposite sex? (5 pts)
26. Ever paid for sex?
(8 points)
27. Ever taken advantage
of someone while they were
stoned
or drunk? (4 points)
28. Ever get someone stoned
or drunk to obtain sexual
favors
and succeed? (8 points)
29. Ever engage in oral
sex? (4 points)
(bonus:
to orgasm -- 2 points)
30. Ever engage in anal
sex? (6 points)
(bonus: to
orgasm -- 2 points)
31. Ever engage in the
69 position? (4 points)
32. Ever contract an STD
(Sexually Transmitted Disease)?
(12
points)
33. Ever had sex without
a contraceptive? (4 points)
34. Ever had or knowingly
been responsible for an
abortion?
(12 points)
35. Ever had sex with
two or more partners in a week?
(4
points)
36. Ever had sex with
more than one person at a time?
(9
points)
37. Ever had sex in a
public place?
(6
points)
38. Ever had carpet burns
as a result of a sexual act?
(4
points)
39. Ever engage in sexual
activity with a member of the
same
sex? (10 points)
40. Ever practiced bondage,
masochism or sadism for
sexual
gratification? (8 points)
41. Ever used sex toys?
(6 points)
42. Ever pass out during
sex? (5 points)
43. Ever been responsible
for losing someone else's
virginity?
(4 points)
44. Ever masturbated while
talking on the phone? (3 pts)
45. Ever bought something
in a sex shop? (3 points)
46. Ever licked or had
someone lick
An eyeball -- 2 points
Toes -- 1 point
Ears -- 1 point
Anus -- 5 points
(add 5 points if you licked YOUR OWN anus)
47. Ever had sex with
a relative? (5 points)
48. Ever make someone
else sleep in the wet spot?
(6
points)
49. Does necrophilia,
pedophilia or bestiality turn you on?
(20
points)
50. Ever ben arrested?
(8 points)
(bonus:
If convicted -- 7 points)
Scoring:
0- 20 A life
with the church is too corrupt for you.
21- 40 You barely
make our scale.
41- 60 Approaching
normal. You aren't much fun on a date.
61-100 Normal.
You use your right hand like everybody else.
101-130 Above average.
You've got a few tricks below the belt.
131-160 You're a
social menace. [typical TrashLaughs member]
161-200 You're a
danger to society. Who let you out on a day pass?
200+
You're going straight to hell.
\\\//
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Subj: Purity
Test
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
Take this test and let me know
how you did email me back....
This is the 100 question Purity
Test. Score one point for
each "no" answer. The
total is your "Percent Pure". MOS
Stands for Member of the Opposite
Sex. Good Luck!
Have you ever...
1. told a dirty joke to an
MOS
2. had a date
3. been out on a date after
4 AM
4. had a blind date
5. danced cheek to cheek
6. kissed an MOS
7. kissed an MOS in the horizontal
position
8. kissed an MOS in the last
3 months
9. kissed an MOS underwater
(showers don't count)
10. been French kissed
11. kissed/been kissed on the
breast
12. kissed/been kissed on the
thigh
13. been aroused (actually says
had an erection
but we changed
it to fit women)
14. necked
15. necked for more than 2 consecutive
hours
16. come while necking
17. seen a naked MOS over the
age of 15
18. been seen naked by an MOS
after puberty
19. seen a pornographic book/magazine
20. seen a pornographic movie
21. committed an act of voyeurism
(consciously/purposely
watched 2 people going at it)
22. had an alcoholic drink
23. been drunk
24. used alcohol to lower an
MOS's resistance to sexual activity
25. smoked tobacco
26. smoked marijuana or hash
27. used a stronger drug
28. fondled a woman's breast/been
fondled
29. caressed an MOS's thigh
30. fondled an MOS's buttocks
31. fondled an MOS's genitalia
32. had your genitals fondled
33. done/had done a clitoral
stimulation
34. had an orgasm due to manipulation
by an MOS
35. gone through the motions
of intercourse while fully dressed
36. massaged or been massaged
by an MOS
37. showered, bathed, or saunaed
with an MOS
38. been undressed by an MOS
39. undressed an MOS
40. had sexual intercourse (your
score
is about
to go way up if you're a virgin)
41. had sexual intercourse outdoors
42. had sexual intercourse more
than 10 times
43. had sexual intercourse with
a virgin
44. had sexual intercourse 3
or more times in one night
45. had sexual intercourse in
3 or more positions
46. had sexual intercourse in
a car
47. had sexual intercourse with
2 MOS's in the same 24 hours
48. had sexual intercourse with
someone
other than
the one you lost your virginity to
49. had sexual intercourse using
a condom
50. had sexual intercourse without
a condom
51. had sexual intercourse at
an MOS's house
52. had sexual intercourse within
the last 3 months
53. had sexual intercourse while
swimming
54. had sexual intercourse while
another person was
asleep in
the same room
55. had anal intercourse
56. impregnated a woman/been
impregnated
57. arranged/had an abortion
58. gone on/been the object
of a nookie run over 100 miles
(have you
gone over 100 miles to fool around/have sex
with someone
or has someone done same to be with you)
59. had/ given someone a hickey
60. described a sexual experience
to a third party
61. committed incest
62. attended an orgy
63. committed statutory rape
64. committed forcible rape
(you should be shot)
65. been propositioned by a
prostitute or pimp
66. accepted above
67. engaged in cunnilingus (oral
sex)
68. engaged in fellatio
69. ???????
70. masturbated
71. masturbated with another
person in the room
72. masturbated to a picture
73. been caught masturbating
74. watched another person masturbate
75. been propositioned by a
homosexual
76. accepted the above
77. been masturbated by a member
of same sex
78. been orally stimulated by
member of same sex
79. had sexual intercourse with
homosexual/bisexual MOS
80. lived in a coed room with
3 or more occupants (for at least a week)
81. displaced (sexiled) your
roommate due to
the visit
of an MOS for the night
82. committed an OOPS! (barging
in on an embarassing situation)
83. been OOPSed on
84. spent the night in an MOS's
room or apartment
85. slept with an MOS
86. wrestled with an MOS
87. had an STD test due to reasonable
suspicion
88. had an STD
89. had passion cramps (been
really really frustrated)
90. fondled an MOS under 13
years of age
91. worn an MOS's underwear
92. committed bestiality
93. tasted semen
94. simulated intercourse with
an inanimate object
95. picked up an MOS
96. played coed strip ________
(coed strip anything)
97. had an orgasm in a dream
(this one is so sexist)
98. experimented sexually before
puberty
99. purchased contraceptives
in a drugstore
100. committed an act of exhibitionism
\\\//
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Subj: Sex
Laws
From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/31/97
No man is allowed to make love
to his wife with the smell
of garlic, onions,
or sardines on his breath in Alexandria,
Minnesota.
If his wife so requests, law mandates that
he must brush his
teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking
in Ames, Iowa, he isn't
allowed to take
more than three gulps of beer while lying
in bed with you
-- or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that
bans all sexual activity
between members
of the opposite sex in the front yard of
a home after sundown
-- if they're nude. (Apparently, if
you wear socks,
you're safe from the law!)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad,
New Mexico no couple should
engage in a sexual
act while parked in their vehicle,
unless their car
has curtains.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are
not allowed to wear patent-
leather shoes.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against
masturbating while
watching two people
having sex in a car.
It's safe to make love while
parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.
Police officers
aren't allowed to walk up and knock on
the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex
is taking place
must drive up from behind, honk his
horn three times
and wait approximately two minutes
before getting
out of his car to investigate.
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no
man shall shoot off a gun
while his female
partner is having a sexual orgasm.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed
to make love in an
automobile unless
the act takes place while the vehicle
is parked on the
couple's own property.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does
not allow moose to have
sex on city streets.
In Florida it is illegal for
single, divorced, or widowed
women to parachute
on Sunday afternoons.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it
is illegal to have sex with
a truck driver
inside a toll booth.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings,
Nebraska, is required
to provide each
guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt.
No couple, even
if they are married, may sleep together
in the nude. Nor
may they have sex unless they are wearing
one of these clean,
white cotton nightshirts.
Another law in Helena, Montana,
mandates that a woman can't
dance on a table
in a saloon or bar unless she has on at
least three pounds,
two ounces of clothing.
A state law in Illinois mandates
that all bachelors should
be called master,
not mister, when addressed by their
female counterparts.
An excerpt form brilliant Kentucky
state legislation. "No
female shall appear
in a bathing suit on any highway
within this state
unless she be escorted by at least two
officers or unless
she be armed with a club".
The following important ammendment
however is to be
considered here:
"The provisions of this statuate shall
not apply to females
weighing less than 90 pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds,
nor shall it apply to female horses."
In Kingsville, Texas there is
a law against two pigs having
sex on the city's
airport property. Now there's a law we
ALL should obey..rainy
Any couple making out inside
a vehicle, and accidentally
sounding the horn
during their lustful act, may be taken
to jail according
to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
In Los Angeles, California, a
man is legally entitled to
beat his wife with
a leather belt or strap, but the belt
can't be wider
than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's
consent to beat
her with a wider strap. Consent should
be given prior
to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
In Merryville, Missouri, women
are prohibited from wearing
corsets because
"The privilege of admiring the
curvaceous, unencumbered
body of a young woman should
not be denied to
the normal, red-blooded American male."
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed
to cut her own hair
without her husband's
permission.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming,
specifically bans
couples from having
sex while standing inside a store's
walk-in meat freezer!
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman
can't go out without wearing
a corset. (There
was a civil-service job -- for men only
-- called a corset
inspector.)
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable
by law to make love
while hunting or
fishing on your wedding day.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal
for a woman to strip off her
clothing while
standing in front of a man's picture.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South
Dakota, every room is
required to have
twin beds. And the beds must always
be a minimum of
two feet apart when a couple rents a
room for only one
night. And it's illegal to make love
on the floor between
the beds!
A Tremonton, Utah law states
that no woman is allowed to
have sex with a
man while riding in an ambulance. In
addition to normal
charges, the woman's name will be
published in the
local newspaper. The man does not
receive any punishment.
Utah state legislation outlaws
all sex with anyone but
your spouse.
Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex,
masturbation are
considered sodomy and can lead to
imprisonment. Sex
with an animal - unless performed for
profit - however
is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy -
provided only the
missionary position has been applied
- is only a misdemeanor.
In Ventura County, California
cats and dogs are not
allowed to have
sex without a permit.
In the state of Washington there
is a law against having
sex with a virgin
under any circumstances. (Including
the wedding night).
The only acceptable sexual position
in Washington D.C. is
the missionary
- style position. Any other sexual
position is considered
illegal.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man
may curse while having sex
with his wife.
\\\//
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Subj: Types Of Sex (S310b,
S522)
From: gheckman on 1/10/2003
and From: drgolfmd
on 1/18/2007
(See 'The 4 Kinds
Of Sex + 1 More' in Sex3)
| SOCIAL SECURITY
SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." |
 |
Shadow Sex gif
From: DoctorDebt |
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist
and said, "I've got
a big problem,
doctor.
Every time we're in bed and
my husband climaxes, he
lets out this ear
splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said,
"that's completely natural.
I don't see what
the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained,
"It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life,
the man came right out
and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking
session, "How come
you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually
and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident,
and his "manhood" was
mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give
him back his manhood, but
that his insurance wouldn't
cover the surgery, since it
was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would
be $3,500 for "small, $6,500
for "medium, $14,000 for
"large." The man was sure
he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to
talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on
the phone and explained their
options.
The doctor came back into the
room, and found the man
looking dejected. "Well,
what have the two of you
decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a
bitter quarrel on the day
of their 40th wedding
anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you
die, I'm getting you a
headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you
die, I'm getting you a
headstone reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Mom And Dad Are Porn Stars (S542c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/23/2007 |
You can read this cute, dirty
internet news article at the
source above, or on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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 |
Smiley having sex
From: RFSlick on 6/11/2005 |