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Subj:     Sex2 Jokes
                 (Includes 19 jokes and articles, 30772n,5,no ads,md,2)

Sexy Drawing  from
Gameznets Big Boys Toys
Includes the following:  Strip Tease - Movie (S681)
.........................Waiting For You... (S446, S629)
.........................Buying An Inflatable Doll (S438b, DU)
.........................The Sex Fairy (S383, DU)
.........................Having Sex With Your English Teacher (S337, S629b)
.........................Wine Opener - Movie (S507c)
.........................Sex In The Corn Field (S272, DU)
.........................Sex Doggy Style II (S263c, S629c)
.........................Mom Finds Bad Magazine (S165, S674)
.........................Boyfriend Wants Blowjob (S165, S597)
.........................Favorite Color
.........................NYC Carpenter Makes "Ergonomic Erotica" (S41)
.........................Calories Burned By Various Sexual Activities (S32, S375b)
.........................Eye Chart (S455b)
.........................Sex Quiz
.........................Purity Test II (S239b)
.........................Purity Test
.........................Sex Laws
.........................Types Of Sex (S310b, S522)
.........................Mom And Dad Are Porn Stars (S542c)

SEX1 contains mostly jokes
SEX2 contains jokes & tests
Sex3 oddities and short jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Strip Tease (S681 in Nudist)
          From: ft.apache
          on 1/28/2010
 Source: http://www.worktobejudged.com/strippause/peca.html

 This interactive video is very funny.  Keep pressing the
 play arrow when ever the censor stops the stripper.  Click
 on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see the
 funniest video I've seen in years.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Waiting For You... (S446, S629)
          From: darrell94590 on 8/5/2005

 I lie awake waiting for you.  As I lie on my bed, thinking
 about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze
 you, because I can't forget last night.  You came to me
 unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what
 happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

 You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
 reservations, you lay on my naked body.  You sensed my
 indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me with-
 out any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me
 crazy while you drained me.

 Finally I went to sleep.  Today when I woke up, you were
 gone.  I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets
 bore witness to last night's events.  My body still bears
 faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it
 harder to forget you.

 Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...  “You
 fucking mosquito!”

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Buying An Inflatable Doll (S438b, DU)
          From: darrell94590 on 6/21/2005

 A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the
 assistant for an inflatable doll.

 "Would you like male of female?"

 "Female, please."

 "Would you like Black, or White?"

 "White, please."

 "Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

 This question confused the man... and he replied, "What has
 the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

 "Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     The Sex Fairy (S383, DU)
          From: mrx on 5/21/2004

 I am not about to break the chain on this one!

 This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the
 bottom. That's why I didn't want to take any chances
 with this one! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy.

 1.Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find
 that when women make love they produce amounts of the
 hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin
 smooth.

 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of
 suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The
 sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin
 glow.

 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on
 during that romantic dinner.

 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up.
 It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in
 the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps,
 and you don't need special sneakers!

 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It
 releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a
 sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of
 well-being.

 6. The more sex you have, the more you will be
 offered. The sexually active body gives off greater
 quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These
 subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

 7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS
 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

 8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away.
 Kissing encourage saliva to wash food from the teeth
 and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay,
 preventing plaque build-up.

 9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking
 session can release the tension that restricts blood
 vessels in the brain.

 10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.
 Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat
 asthma and hay fever.

 This message has been sent to you for good luck in
 sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the
 Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world
 nine times. Now sex has been sent to you.

 The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days
 of receiving this message provided you, in turn, send
 it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good
 sex again for the rest of your life. You will
 eventually become celibate, and your genitals will
 rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to
 people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send
 money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Having Sex With Your English Teacher (S337, S629b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 7/8/2003

 A young boy comes home from school & his mother says "What
 did you do today?"

 To which the boy answers "oh the usual, I had a math test,
 I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English
 teacher."

 The mother, aghast, doesn't know what to say. She
 stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says "go
 in & tell your father what you just told me!"

 The boy goes into see his father & says "gee, mom sure
 is mad." The father says "why?"

 "I just told her what I did in school today. I had a
 math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my
 english teacher."

 Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his
 son a nudge and a wink and says "congratulations -- you
 passed a milestone. I tell you what --let's go out and
 celebrate. We'll have some ice cream and then I'll buy
 you a new bike."

 To which the boy says --"the ice cream sounds great Dad,
 but let's hold off on the bike a few days -- my ass is
 killing me."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Wine Opener (S507c,d)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/9/2006

 This 2,500 video is a dirty, funny commercial about two
 ladies who compete for a man's attention at a bar.
 You can view it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Sex In The Corn Field (S272, DU)
          From: dogbyte on 4/13/2002

 A young white trash couple are having sex in a muddy corn
 field one evening.  The fellow asks, "Honey, could you
 check to see if it's in you or if it's in the mud???"  She
 reaches down and checks.  "It's in the mud," she tells him.
 "Well,... could you put it back in???"

 She puts it back in and they continue having sex for a
 while before he asks again, "Honey, could you check to
 see if it's in you or if it's in the mud???"  She checks
 again and says, "It's still in me, big fella!!!"

 "Ummm,... could you put it back in the mud, please???"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Sex Doggy Style II (S263c, S629c)
          From: thebartend on 2/14/2002
          (See 'Sex Doggy Style' in SEX3)

 Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two
 dogs goin' at it on a lawn.  One guy, who's married, looks
 at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it
 to my wife like that."

 The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy.  Just
 feed her three martinis."

 The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next
 morning.  The single one asks the other, "Well, did you
 get to do it to your wife doggie style?"

 The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."

 The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?"

 The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her
 out on the lawn."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Mom Finds Bad Magazine (S165, S674)
          From: thebartend on 3/29/2000

 One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet
 she found a bondage S&M magazine.

 This was highly upsetting for her.

 She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it
 to him.  He looked at it and handed it back to her without a
 word.

 She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

 The dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should
 spank him."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Boyfriend Wants Blowjob (S165, S597)
          From: KMacinty on 3/29/2000
      and From: DoctorDebt on 8/18/2003
          (Also see 'MasterCard Commercial' in Movies)

 A guy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out
 together,and when they reach the front door he leans with one
 hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you
 give me a blowjob?"
 "What? You're crazy???!!!"
 "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
 "No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
 "At this time of the night no one will show up.."
 "I've already said NO, and NO!"
 "Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
 "NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
 "My love.. don't be like that.."
 At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in a
 nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes
 and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, or he will
 come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's
 sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Favorite Color
          From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97

 Pick your color BEFORE YOU READ THIS!
 Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life

 The cloths you wear, your home furnishings and the car you
 drive all give clues to your sexual personality.  The key
 is the colors you select for your possessions.  Most people
 claim they haven't a favorite color.  But look around you,
 and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing
 and home decor.  The predominant color for you is the one
 that appears most frequently - it's the one that mirrors
 the sexual you.  A panel of psychologists, speaking at the
 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association
 between color and sexual patterns.

 RED:  People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack.
 They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imagin-
 able.  Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours
 to extinguish.  When two reds get together, the ensuing
 erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush.  Lovers of red
 tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

 YELLOW:  If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives
 are complex and turn toward the adaptable.  The favorite
 color of homosexuals is yellow.  But don't panic - not
 everyone who wears yellow is queer.  In most cases the
 person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in
 a passive manner.  You will never enjoy sex to the fullest,
 but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody
 you enjoy or admire.

 PINK:  Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature
 in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more
 than they intend to deliver.  In some cases they flaunt
 their femininity - but because they secretly hate men.
 A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes
 in pink.  Men who like pink are the philanderers and
 flirts.  They are the type who will make three dates for
 the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick
 up a dish in some bar instead.  Women whose husbands
 like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

 PURPLE:  Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves
 to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack.
 Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair.
 Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In
 both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their
 fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

 BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not
 necessarily meaning black partners).  These people are
 the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in
 kinship.  They tend to prefer perverted sex and are
 usually masochistic or sadistic in nature.  They are
 moody people and often perform at their peak when under
 stress or during unhappy times.  Police psychiatrists
 claim that sex offenders prefer the color black.  And
 it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and
 teenage gangs is black attire.

 GREEN:  Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent
 in their approach to sex.  Women who love green will
 always make love like virgins all their life.  And a
 man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in
 a charming and endearing sort of way.  Green lovers
 are gentle, but not passionate.  If chosen as a mate,
 one will never need worry about infidelity.

 ORANGE:  Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual
 fantasies.  The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-
 act play in which they are the star.  Foreplay is as
 important as the act of love.  They whisper sweet
 nothings, meaningless dialogue;  they feel it is their
 image.  Orange people often do not experience orgasm -
 but they put on a darn good act.  Men tend to pull
 their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the
 sex partner's back.

 BROWN:  If you love brown, you're a real treasure for
 the right mate.  Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep,
 sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners.
 Sex is a 24 hour a day thing.  Where you can't say "I
 love you" often enough.  Snuggling by the fire, walking
 in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a
 turn-on to a lover of brown.  They need lots of time
 and privacy to make love.  But their emotions are such
 that one harsh word could end the affair.

 GREY:  The color grey a preferred by people who are
 indecisive.  They can't get excited about anything -
 including color - so they choose a noncommittal shade.
 Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving
 tension - but nothing more, nothing less.  It's wham,
 bam, thank you ma'am.  Women don't make love, they
 have intercourse.  And for one of two reasons only:
 to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant.
 They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until
 the sex act is over with and done.  But when teamed
 with another color, the grey spouse considers the
 other's infidelity a blessing.  When a grey marries
 another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.

 BLUE:  Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners.
 They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their
 partner's needs.  They consider love making a fine
 art and their approach is elegant.  Men who love blue
 are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their
 partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in
 the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest.  They are
 exciting partners but their passion may be compared
 to a tidal wave rather than firery aggression.  Both
 women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of
 lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself.  In marriage
 a blue person is a wonderful mate - never seeking
 outside interests.

 WHITE:  If a person is infatuated with white, sex
 often seems filthy.  These people are puritanical in
 nature.  French kissing is obscene and to make love
 in the daylight in unheard of.  Women who love white
 will undress beneath the covers.  Men will shower
 before and after the sex act.  These people still
 use pet names for their genitals.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     NYC Carpenter Makes "Ergonomic Erotica" (S41)
          By Ellen Wulfhorst
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #205 on 97-10-26

 NEW YORK (Reuter -- 08/19/97) -- No room for a sexual bondage
 rack in your city apartment?  Need to hide the spanking horse
 when your mother comes to visit?  Hope to surprise your girl-
 friend with a "bend-over" chair?

 Joe Hurley can meet those needs and more with the erotic
 furniture he designs and builds in his New York City studio
 especially for small spaces.  He sells the "Kinky Joe"
 furniture via a mail-order catalog with the words "HAVE MORE
 SEX" emblazoned on front.

 The furniture can fit in even the most cramped city apartment,
 the carpenter says.  And for his customers discretion is the
 better part of value.

 The leaves and legs of the bondage table are removable, the
 suspended leather "love swing" is easily taken down from its
 ceiling hooks and the plastic bondage "sweat sheet" with steel
 rings that guarantee no escape is completely portable, his
 catalog says.

 "You can put it in a closet or a small apartment or move it
 around," Hurley volunteered from the workshop of his cavern-
 ous studio in the city's Brooklyn borough.

 His catalog also offers a seemingly innocent wooden bed head-
 board that opens to reveal stocks with four holes to hold
 wrists or ankles and a cushioned spanking horse for leaning
 over that folds up for easy storage.

 WHAT TO DO WHEN MOM VISITS

 "People's initial reaction is that they can't have it in their
 house because their mother comes over. I say, 'You can put it
 away or hide it.  Don't worry about it,'" Hurley said.

 "The other thing they mention is to send the catalog in a
 plain envelope," he added.

 His hottest-selling item is the bend-over chair, a two-tiered
 vinyl-covered contraption that is built for two and sells for
 $450.  The more elaborate pair of multi-level oral sex chairs
 costs $750, while for the budget-conscious the spanking horse
 sells for a mere $250, Hurley said.

 Hurley will make items to order as well, although not all
 ideas prove to be good ones.

 "One guy wanted a set of railroad tracks to tie up his damsel
 in distress," he recalled, so he designed eight-foot lengths
 of track that could be carried in two large bags.  But the
 price hit $2,000 and the customer opted to take his business
 elsewhere.

 FROM KITCHEN CABINETS TO KINKY ERGONOMICS

 Hurley, 30, got his start building cabinets and counters but
 moved to the kinkier world of "ergonomic erotica" about two
 years ago. Looking at the market for devices for the sado-
 masochist market, he decided people with less exotic sexual
 habits might like their own special furniture as well.

 "The idea is to have a comfortable position and you never
 get tired," he explained.

 He does not advertise but does business through word-of-
 mouth, a toll-free telephone number -- 1-800-70-kinky --
 and a Web site (http://www.brainlink.com/~kinkyjoe/GATE.HTML).
 His customers are everyday people, said Hurley, who sports
 a wispy beard and a ponytail.

 "The people are pretty normal looking," he said.  "In fact,
 the more kinky they are the more proper they appear to be.
 They go out of their way to be more respectable."

 Hurley's studio, on the top floor of an aging building
 once used as a financial exchange, is filled with his
 products, not all of which can be described in print
 without an X-rating. He has turned one room into an S&M
 dungeon, complete with handcuffs, skulls, whips and chains
 on its black walls, and will build dungeons to order for
 customers.

 And what happens when his mother comes to visit?

 "For a while, she didn't really bring it up," he said of
 his chosen profession.  "Now she does. I'm making a living,
 so that's a success to her."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Calories Burned By Various Sexual Activities (S32, S375b)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #191 on 97-09-05
      and From: DoctorDebt on 4/1/2004

 ACTIVITY...........................CALORIES BURNED

 REMOVING CLOTHES:
 With partner`s consent............................12
 Without partner`s consent........................187

 UNHOOKING BRA:
 Using two calm hands...............................7
 Using one trembling hand..........................36

 GETTING INTO BED:
 Lifting partner...................................15
 Dragging partner along floor......................16
 Using skateboard...................................3

 ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
 For normal healthy man.............................2.5
 Losing erection...................................14
 Searching for it.................................115

 PUTTING ON CONDOM:
 With erection......................................1.5
 Without erection.................................300

 INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
 If the woman who does it is
 Experienced........................................6
 Inexperienced.....................................73
 If a man does it.................................650
 Add (5) calories for retreiving it from across the room.

 POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
 Italian-Man on top, woman in kitchen..............26
 Russian- Woman on bottom, Man getting permission..55
 American- Both on top.............................60

 POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE:
 Bouncing...........................................7
 Sliding around.....................................9
 Serious skidding..................................12
 Whiplash..........................................27

 ORGASM:
 Real..............................................27
 Faked............................................160

 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
 Shoes flew off....................................35
 Expression didn`t change............................1/2
 Orchestra swelled..................................6
 Birds sang.....Large birds.........................7
 Small birds........................................3
 Earth moved.......................................30

 PULLING OUT:
 After orgasm........................................1/2
 A few moments before orgasm......................500

 PENIS ENVY:
 For woman..........................................3
 For men...........................................72

 GUILT:
 Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily,
    naturally......................................53
 You`re enjoying sex, despite the fact that
    other people are starving.......................2
 Sex on your lunch hour.............................3
 Putting it on expense account.....................20

 AGGRAVATION:
 Partner keeps showing plants.......................5
 Partner insists on cuddling the dog
    during foreplay................................14
 Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time........10
 Partner is taking phone calls......................7
 Partner is making phone calls.....................40

 GETTING CAUGHT:
 By partner`s spouse...............................60
 By your spouse...................................100
 Trying to explain.................................55
 Trying to remain calm............................100
 Leaping out of bed................................75
 Getting dressed in one motion....................500
 Thanking partner quickly...........................2

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Eye Chart (S455b)
          From: auntiegah on 10/6/2005
          (Also see 'Eye Chart' in Sex Drawings.
 

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Sex Quiz
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page

1.  The true definition of safe sex is:
    a)  Using a condom
    b)  Keeping it in your pants
    c)  Dating only Roseanne look-alikes
    d)  Using a football helmet & a padded headboard

2.  Most women feel that a large penis is:
    a)  Somewhat important
    b)  Very important
    c)  Not important at all
    d)  A great way to scratch their belly buttons from the inside

3.  The biggest myth about sex is:
    a)  Masturbation will make you go blind
    b)  (read "b" again)
    c)  Pulling out will prevent pregnancy
    d)  You'll actually get to have some one day

4.  A man with big hands:
    a)  Has a great chance of being picked up when hitch hiking
    b)  Always gets caught in the cookie jar
    c)  Never fails to start the "wave" at sporting events
    d)  None of the above

5.  Your penis is so small that:
    a)  If it were 3 inches smaller, you'd have a scab on your butt
    b)  If you walked into a brick wall with an erection,
        you'd break your nose
    c)  Your condoms are often mistaken for thimbles
    d)  Whenever a woman sees you naked, you try to tell her
        you used to date Lorena Bobbit

6.  Women prefer sex that is:
    a)  Slow and passionate
    b)  Fast and rough
    c)  With anyone but you
    d)  All of the above

7.  It's a fact that "you are what you eat," that's why people call you:
    a)  A pussy
    b)  An ass
    c)  A big dick
    d)  Pasta Primavera

8.  The easiest way to tell that someone is lousy in bed:
    a)  They ask if you believe that it's possible for a woman to enjoy sex
    b)  When they hear the term "French tickler" they ask
        what it's called if they don't speak French
    c)  They call the cleaners to order G-spot remover
    d)  The take "sexual knowledge" quizzes

9.  The most popular sexual position is:
    a)  Woman on top
    b)  "69"
    c)  Doggy style
    d)  Shortstop

10. It's always best to buy more than one pair of edible panties:
    a)  So you'll have one to eat on the way home
    b)  To hand out something different at Halloween
    c)  It is?
    d)  Mom says you should always wear clean ones
        in case you're ever in an accident

11. A guaranteed way to reach an intense orgasm during masturbation is to:
    a)  Do what you always do

12. The thing that makes the average male incredibly horny is:
    a)  Oxygen
    b)  A well-groomed sheep
    c)  Not having had sex for at least 6-8 minutes
    d)  Laying in an oxygen tent with a well-groomed sheep
        that you haven't had sex with for at least 6-8 minutes
 

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Purity Test II (S239b)
          From: dogbyte on 8/27/2001

  A little different than the test I took as a kid.  Heck
  they they don't even have the bicycle seat question.

  1.  Ever tried alcohol? (1 point)
  2.  Ever been drunk? (2 points)
  3.  Ever play drinking games? (2 points)
  4.  Ever fall down because you drank too much? (3 points)
  5.  Ever drink enough to throw up? (4 points)
      (bonus: Throwing up on another person -- 1 point)
  6.  Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night
      before? (5 points)
  7.  Ever been forcibly removed from a bar? (8 points)
  8.  Ever participated in/finished a pub crawl? (5 points)
  9.  Do you drink regularly/ at least 3 times a week? (3 pts)
      (bonus:  1 point for each additional day -- max. 7 pts)
 10.  Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar? (4 points)
 11.  Ever laughed at a physically or mentally handicapped
      person? (2 points)
 12.  Ever laughed at someone else's misfortune? (1 point)
 13.  Ever try pot, hash, or magic mushrooms?
      (4 points for each one tried)
 14.  Do you do drugs regularly? (4 points)
      (bonus: at least 4 times a week -- 4 points)
 15.  Ever bought "soft" drugs? (4 points)
 16.  Ever sell drugs? (8 points)
 17.  Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit?  (12 points)
 18.  Ever used barbituates?  (8 points)
 19.  Ever used hallucinogens?  (8 points)
 20.  Ever used narcotics?  (10 points)
 21.  Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours?
      (8 points)
 22.  Ever been on a date? (2 points)
 23.  Ever been felt up or groped? (2 points)
      (bonus: to orgasm -- 2 points)
 24.  Ever had sexual intercourse?  (6 points)
      (bonus: on first date -- 2 points)
 25.  Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex?  (5 pts)
 26.  Ever paid for sex?  (8 points)
 27.  Ever taken advantage of someone while they were
      stoned or drunk? (4 points)
 28.  Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual
      favors and succeed?  (8 points)
 29.  Ever engage in oral sex?  (4 points)
      (bonus: to orgasm -- 2 points)
 30.  Ever engage in anal sex?  (6 points)
     (bonus: to orgasm -- 2 points)
 31.  Ever engage in the 69 position?  (4 points)
 32.  Ever contract an STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease)?
      (12 points)
 33.  Ever had sex without a contraceptive?  (4 points)
 34.  Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an
      abortion?  (12 points)
 35.  Ever had sex with two or more partners in a week?
      (4 points)
 36.  Ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
      (9 points)
 37.  Ever had sex in a public place?
      (6 points)
 38.  Ever had carpet burns as a result of a sexual act?
      (4 points)
 39.  Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the
      same sex?  (10 points)
 40.  Ever practiced bondage, masochism or sadism for
      sexual gratification?  (8 points)
 41.  Ever used sex toys?  (6 points)
 42.  Ever pass out during sex?  (5 points)
 43.  Ever been responsible for losing someone else's
      virginity?  (4 points)
 44.  Ever masturbated while talking on the phone?  (3 pts)
 45.  Ever bought something in a sex shop?  (3 points)
 46.  Ever licked or had someone lick
         An eyeball -- 2 points
         Toes -- 1 point
         Ears -- 1 point
         Anus -- 5 points
        (add 5 points if you licked YOUR OWN anus)
 47.  Ever had sex with a relative?  (5 points)
 48.  Ever make someone else sleep in the wet spot?
      (6 points)
 49.  Does necrophilia, pedophilia or bestiality turn you on?
      (20 points)
 50.  Ever ben arrested?  (8 points)
     (bonus:  If convicted -- 7 points)

 Scoring:
   0- 20   A life with the church is too corrupt for you.
  21- 40   You barely make our scale.
  41- 60   Approaching normal.  You aren't much fun on a date.
  61-100   Normal.  You use your right hand like everybody else.
 101-130   Above average.  You've got a few tricks below the belt.
 131-160   You're a social menace.  [typical TrashLaughs member]
 161-200   You're a danger to society.  Who let you out on a day pass?
     200+  You're going straight to hell.

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Subj:     Purity Test
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page

 Take this test and let me know how you did email me back....
 This is the 100 question Purity Test. Score one point for
 each "no" answer.  The total is your "Percent Pure".  MOS
 Stands for Member of the Opposite Sex. Good Luck!

 Have you ever...
  1. told a dirty joke to an MOS
  2. had a date
  3. been out on a date after 4 AM
  4. had a blind date
  5. danced cheek to cheek
  6. kissed an MOS
  7. kissed an MOS in the horizontal position
  8. kissed an MOS in the last 3 months
  9. kissed an MOS underwater (showers don't count)
 10. been French kissed
 11. kissed/been kissed on the breast
 12. kissed/been kissed on the thigh
 13. been aroused (actually says had an erection
     but we changed it to fit women)
 14. necked
 15. necked for more than 2 consecutive hours
 16. come while necking
 17. seen a naked MOS over the age of 15
 18. been seen naked by an MOS after puberty
 19. seen a pornographic book/magazine
 20. seen a pornographic movie
 21. committed an act of voyeurism
     (consciously/purposely watched 2 people going at it)
 22. had an alcoholic drink
 23. been drunk
 24. used alcohol to lower an MOS's resistance to sexual activity
 25. smoked tobacco
 26. smoked marijuana or hash
 27. used a stronger drug
 28. fondled a woman's breast/been fondled
 29. caressed an MOS's thigh
 30. fondled an MOS's buttocks
 31. fondled an MOS's genitalia
 32. had your genitals fondled
 33. done/had done a clitoral stimulation
 34. had an orgasm due to manipulation by an MOS
 35. gone through the motions of intercourse while fully dressed
 36. massaged or been massaged by an MOS
 37. showered, bathed, or saunaed with an MOS
 38. been undressed by an MOS
 39. undressed an MOS
 40. had sexual intercourse (your score
     is about to go way up if you're a virgin)
 41. had sexual intercourse outdoors
 42. had sexual intercourse more than 10 times
 43. had sexual intercourse with a virgin
 44. had sexual intercourse 3 or more times in one night
 45. had sexual intercourse in 3 or more positions
 46. had sexual intercourse in a car
 47. had sexual intercourse with 2 MOS's in the same 24 hours
 48. had sexual intercourse with someone
     other than the one you lost your virginity to
 49. had sexual intercourse using a condom
 50. had sexual intercourse without a condom
 51. had sexual intercourse at an MOS's house
 52. had sexual intercourse within the last 3 months
 53. had sexual intercourse while swimming
 54. had sexual intercourse while another person was
     asleep in the same room
 55. had anal intercourse
 56. impregnated a woman/been impregnated
 57. arranged/had an abortion
 58. gone on/been the object of a nookie run over 100 miles
     (have you gone over 100 miles to fool around/have sex
     with someone or has someone done same to be with you)
 59. had/ given someone a hickey
 60. described a sexual experience to a third party
 61. committed incest
 62. attended an orgy
 63. committed statutory rape
 64. committed forcible rape (you should be shot)
 65. been propositioned by a prostitute or pimp
 66. accepted above
 67. engaged in cunnilingus (oral sex)
 68. engaged in fellatio
 69. ???????
 70. masturbated
 71. masturbated with another person in the room
 72. masturbated to a picture
 73. been caught masturbating
 74. watched another person masturbate
 75. been propositioned by a homosexual
 76. accepted the above
 77. been masturbated by a member of same sex
 78. been orally stimulated by member of same sex
 79. had sexual intercourse with homosexual/bisexual MOS
 80. lived in a coed room with 3 or more occupants (for at least a week)
 81. displaced (sexiled) your roommate due to
     the visit of an MOS for the night
 82. committed an OOPS! (barging in on an embarassing situation)
 83. been OOPSed on
 84. spent the night in an MOS's room or apartment
 85. slept with an MOS
 86. wrestled with an MOS
 87. had an STD test due to reasonable suspicion
 88. had an STD
 89. had passion cramps (been really really frustrated)
 90. fondled an MOS under 13 years of age
 91. worn an MOS's underwear
 92. committed bestiality
 93. tasted semen
 94. simulated intercourse with an inanimate object
 95. picked up an MOS
 96. played coed strip ________ (coed strip anything)
 97. had an orgasm in a dream (this one is so sexist)
 98. experimented sexually before puberty
 99. purchased contraceptives in a drugstore
100. committed an act of exhibitionism

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Subj:     Sex Laws
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/31/97
 (Also see 'Top 10 U.S. Sex Laws' in Laws)

 No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell
    of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria,
    Minnesota.  If his wife so requests, law mandates that
    he must brush his teeth.

 Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't
    allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying
    in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

 Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity
    between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of
    a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if
    you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

 During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should
    engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle,
    unless their car has curtains.

 In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-
    leather shoes.

 Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while
    watching two people having sex in a car.

 It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.
    Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on
    the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex
    is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his
    horn three times and wait approximately two minutes
    before getting out of his car to investigate.

 In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun
    while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

 In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an
    automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle
    is parked on the couple's own property.

 A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have
    sex on city streets.

 In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed
    women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

 In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with
    a truck driver inside a toll booth.

 The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required
    to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt.
    No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together
    in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing
    one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

 Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't
    dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at
    least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

 A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should
    be called master, not mister, when addressed by their
    female counterparts.

 An excerpt form brilliant Kentucky state legislation.  "No
    female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway
    within this state unless she be escorted by at least two
    officers or unless she be armed with a club".

 The following important ammendment however is to be
    considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall
    not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor
    exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

 In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having
    sex on the city's airport property.  Now there's a law we
    ALL should obey..rainy

 Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally
    sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken
    to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

 In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to
    beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt
    can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's
    consent to beat her with a wider strap.  Consent should
    be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.

 In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
    corsets because "The privilege of admiring the
    curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should
    not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

 In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair
    without her husband's permission.

 In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

 An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans
    couples from having sex while standing inside a store's
    walk-in meat freezer!

 In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing
    a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only
    -- called a corset inspector.)

 In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love
    while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

 In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her
    clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

 In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is
    required to have twin beds.  And the beds must always
    be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a
    room for only one night.  And it's illegal to make love
    on the floor between the beds!

 A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to
    have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance.  In
    addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be
    published in the local newspaper.  The man does not
    receive any punishment.

 Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but
    your spouse.  Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex,
    masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to
    imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for
    profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy -
    provided only the missionary position has been applied
    - is only a misdemeanor.

 In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not
    allowed to have sex without a permit.

 In the state of Washington there is a law against having
    sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including
    the wedding night).

 The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is
    the missionary - style position.  Any other sexual
    position is considered illegal.

 In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex
    with his wife.

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Subj:   Types Of Sex (S310b, S522)
        From: gheckman on 1/10/2003
    and From: drgolfmd on 1/18/2007
        (See 'The 4 Kinds Of Sex + 1 More' in Sex3)
 
 SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
 Two men were talking.
 "So, how's your sex life?"
 "Oh, nothing special. I'm having
     Social Security sex."
Shadow Sex gif
From:
DoctorDebt
 "Social Security sex?"
 "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not
     enough to live on!"

 LOUD SEX:
 A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got
    a big problem, doctor.
 Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he
    lets out this ear splitting yell."
 "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
    I don't see what the problem is."
 "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

 QUIET SEX:
 Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out
    and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking
    session, "How come you never tell me when you
    have an orgasm?"
 She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

 CONFOUNDED SEX
 A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was
 mangled and torn from his body.  His doctor assured him
 that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but
 that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it
 was considered cosmetic.  The doctor said the cost would
 be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for
 "large."  The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
 but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife
 before he made any decision.  The man called his wife on
 the phone and explained their options.

 The doctor came back into the room, and found the man
 looking dejected.  "Well, what have the two of you
 decided?" asked the doctor.

 The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

 WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
 A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day
    of their 40th wedding anniversary.
 The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
    headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
 "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
    headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

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Subj:     Mom And Dad Are Porn Stars (S542c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 5/23/2007
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20070523

 You can read this cute, dirty internet news article at the
 source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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.........................Smiley having sex from RFSlick.
.
.