>>> Subj:     Sex3 Jokes (Gz-m4)                  (Includes 129 jokes and articles)           Click "Here" for Sex-Supp

Bughug from Millanimations

SEX1 contains mostly jokes
SEX2 contains jokes and tests
Sex3 oddities and short jokes
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Subj:     Trojan Games (S354b, S508b)           From: DoctorDebt on 11/7/2003       and From: darrell94590 on 10/16/2006

Picture from Google Video

          At: www.trojangames.co.uk
 Source: http://flash.astream.net/tgames/movies/movie2.html

 Trojan Games - Pelvic Power Lifting - Bucharest 2003

 If Trojan condoms was sponsoring the Olympics, this is one
 game that they would definitely want to sponsor.  You can
 view this funny, dirty movie at the source above, or on
 my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Animal Sex Facts (S179, S373b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #318 on 6/25/00
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 3/17/2004

  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
 pleasure.  (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?

 The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
 attached to its body.  The female initiates sex by ripping
 the male's head off.  (Honey, I'm home.  What the....)

 Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

 Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any
 group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats. (batty)

 Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate.  This is
 to ensure fertilization. (any excuse)

 In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida
 it is illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought
 both laws were good so there it is illegal to have sex with
 a drunk fish.

 Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth.

 In Argentina, it is rumoured that eating cats is good for
 your health and stimulates sexual potency.

 You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound.  Males grunt,
 females hiss.

 Human birth control pills work on gorillas.

 The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight,
 and it is common for both eagles to hit the ground before
 they finish. (out with a bang)

 Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the
 only animals to experiment sexually.  They have been known
 to 'wife swap' and indulge in group sex. (brings a whole
 new meaning to monkeying around)

 According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-
 craved male mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing
 female mice, could live years longer if they abstained.
 (tell that to bill clinton)

 In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted
 the weather correctly 28% of the time.  The rushing back
 and forth from burrows is believed to indicate sexual
 activity, not shadow seeking.

 A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the
 same note when played for kittens makes them want to
 go to the bathroom.

 If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an
 armadillo are still active.

 The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their
 30 hour hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off
 each other's male sex organs. (banana bobit)

 Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.
 (some women have met a man like this)

 The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally
 enough also has the largest penis, measuring approximately
 10 feet long and 1 foot in diameter.  It's cousin, the
 sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And yes, the sperm
 whale is so named because early sailors thought those
 gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed
 sperm. (met one or two sperm women)

 Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can
 ejaculate ten times or more during his half hour session
 with a female.  They also have penises that are 2 feet
 long. (what did you expect with a horn like that)

 Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an
 extraordinarily long penis (150% their body length)
 that reaches over and into the female's mantle cavity.

 Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating
 with their fingers, twigs and a water faucet. (stay
 of the water)

 A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one
 chance to mate with a queen.  As soon as the queen
 opens her sting chamber to receive him, he explodes,
 his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade.
 Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to
 fall to the ground dead and eviscerated, albeit with
 a smile on his face.

 Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after
 feasting on rabbit's blood specifically if the
 opportunity presents itself.

 Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average
 man's.

 Humans aren't the only female animals that can
 experience orgasm; some rabbits and ferrets do as well.
 (how do they find this out)

 A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally,
 is where we get the derogatory slang.

 Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex. (they
 do it on porpoise)

 Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis.  When
 engaged in sex, the male's penis will make semi-rotary
 actions until it becomes firmly secured in the folds
 of the female's cervix at which point the male
 ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long
 as 30 minutes. (is why they call it a screw)

 Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive
 form of prostitution by stealing food during sex.

 The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several
 hours (how do you think they get their coats so shiny?)

 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest
 rattlesnake mating session.

 The female bedbug is born without any external sex
 organs.  So the male bedbug has to drill his pointed
 penis to drill a hole into her partner's gut and
 deposit his sperm into her bloodstream.  During long
 spells without access to human blood, the female's
 been known to dine on her male partner's semen. (go
 on drill her)

 Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each
 other their erections.

 Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon
 engages in a typical sex session that lasts all of
 15 seconds.

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Subj:     Statistics on Women and Sex: (S428b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/29/2005

 70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the
 last yearwhile 60% of female non-smokers had none.

 Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines like Cosmo may
 have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

 Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as
 those who don't.

 Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by
 the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a
 bachelor's degree.

 Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex
 (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

 National birthrates rise and fall with the height of
 heels.

 In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of
 unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during
 ovulation.

 Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be
 less achievement oriented.

 White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more
 likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live
 with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

 Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are
 likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

 Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually
 active than practicing Christians.

 Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely
 to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with
 no criminal record.

 Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

 Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites,
 who get down at roughly the same rate.

 Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every
 time they have sex.

 White women, especially those with a college degree, are the
 most receptive to anal sex.

 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one
 sex partner.

 So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go
 looking for:
 A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D.,
 wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a
 swanky bar,smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara
 Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too
 hard.

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Subj:     Statistical Findings On Sex: (S283)
          From: KORR on 7/1/2002

 10% of the women had sex within the first
     hour of their first date
 20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
 36% of the women favor nudity
 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
 46% of the women experienced anal sex
 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
 80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
 90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
 99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

 Conclusion:
 Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having
 anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest
 than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

 Moral:
 Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever
 come of it!

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Subj:     Sex In The Dark (S222)
          From: gheckman on 3/13/2001

 There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and
 every time they made love the husband always insisted on
 shutting off the lights.  Well, after 20 years, the wife
 felt this was stupid.  She figured she would break him of
 the crazy habit.

 So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic
 session, she turned on the lights.  She looked down and
 saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure
 device.

 She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she
 screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of
 these years?  You better explain yourself!"

 The husband looks at her straight in the eyes and says
 calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

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Subj:     Deli Sex

 A man goes into the local corner deli.  When the shop
 assistant, a very buxom young girl, asks if she can get
 him anything, he leans over and whispers, "Is it true that
 you give hand jobs in the back room?".

 "Why yes sir" the shop assistant coos.  "I've already had
 5 satisfied customers this morning, and it's only 11:30am".

 "Good, good" the man replies. "Well, go and wash yer hands
 then -- I only want a ham sandwich".

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Subj:     Thor Has Sex
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #189 on 97-09-02

 Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pa,l Bob, were
 up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Bob, "Bob,
 it's been a long time now. I *really* need to have sex.."

 Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go
 to Earth, oh Thor, and find thyself what they call a
 "prostitute", and give her a bloody good seeing to.."
 And Thor did, and he saw that this was good..

 The next day, he came back up to see Bob, and told him of
 the previous night's events.  "Oh Bob," he said, grinning
 like a shagged out God, "It was wonderful.  We had
 passionate sex 37 times.."

 "37 times?!?!" exclaimed Bob.  "You must go and apologise
 this instant!".. so Thor went back down to earth and found
 the aforementioned prostitute, saying.. "I'm sorry about
 last night, but you see, I'm Thor.."

 "You're Thor?!?!" Shouted the girl.  "You're Thor?!?..  I
 can't even pith!!!"

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Subj:     Jane Meets Tarzan (S218)
          From: gheckman on 4/5/2001
          (Also see 'The First Time Adam And Eve Have Sex' in EDEN
            and see 'Farmer's Son's First Time At Brothel' in HOOKER)

 When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle she was attracted
 to him and during her questions about his life she asked him
 how he had sex.

 "Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

 Jane explained to him what sex was.

 Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

 Horrified she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will
 show you how to do it properly."

 She took of her clothes and laid down on the ground.

 "Here", she said, "You must put it here."

 Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave
 her an almighty kick in the crotch.

 Jane rolled around in agony.  Eventually she managed to gasp,
 "What did you do that for?"

 Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for bees."

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Subj:     94 Year Old Dies During Sex (S214, S435)
          From: KMACINTY on 3/8/2001
      and From: RFSlick on 5/25/2005

 On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away,
 Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side.  When she asked
 the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grand-
 mother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on
 Sunday morning."  Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age
 94 was surely asking for trouble.

 "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every Sunday
 morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings
 and out with the dongs."  She paused and wiped away a tear.
 "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd
 still be alive."

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Subj:     Sex And Happiness Survey (S211)
          From: BennoRo on 2/12/2001
          From: adultjokes.isonfire.com on 2/12/2001

 Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of
 men, on the topic of happiness.  He said "I can prove to
 you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount
 of sex you have!"

 To prove this he glanced at the audience.  He saw a man at
 the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have
 sex?" he asked.

 "Once a month." the man answered.

 Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the
 middle, having a bigger smile.  He asked him "Sir, How
 often do you have sex?"

 "Once a week. " the man shouted.

 Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man
 laughing.  "You seem to be a very happy man, how often
 do you have sex?"

 "Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered.

 "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation
 to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

 But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his
 hands in the air.  Laughing and jumping with so much
 happiness.  So the philosopher said to him, "You sure
 look like a very happy man?"

 "Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.

 "So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.

 The man answered "Once a year...."

 The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT?
 Then why are you so happy??"

 The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT...
 IT'S TONIGHT!!"

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Subj:     Elderly Couple Has Sex Behind Bar (S210, S464)
          From: KMACINTY on 2/5/2001
      and From: DoctorDebt on 12/13/2005

 This little old couple were having drinks at a local bar.
 The old man says to his wife, "Do you remember the first
 time we had sex together, over fifty years ago?  We went
 behind the bar.  You leaned against the fence and I made
 love to you from behind."

 "Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

 "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there
 again and we can do it for old times sake?"

 "Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she
 answers.

 There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all
 this, having a chuckle to himself.  He thinks, 'I've got
 to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.'
 So he follows them.  They walk haltingly along, leaning
 on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

 Finally they get to the back of the bar and make their
 way to the fence.  The old lady lifts her skirt, takes
 her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
 She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the
 old man moves in.  Suddenly they erupt into the most
 furious sex the watching man has ever seen.  They are
 bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

 This goes on for about forty minutes.  She's yelling
 "Ohhh God!"  He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
 This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

 Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.  The
 guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned some-
 thing about life that he didn't know before.

 He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders
 if they still have sex like this.

 After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
 the old couple struggled to their feet and put their
 clothes back on.

 The guy, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing!
 He was going like a train.  I've got to ask him what his
 secret is.'

 As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was
 something else!  You must have been shagging for about
 forty minutes.  How do you manage it?  Is there some
 sort of secret?"

 "No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty
 years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

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Subj:     Firing A Starter Gun During Sex (S210)
          From: thebartend on 2/1/2001

 See 'Firing A Starter Gun During Sex' in Marriage3
 so I deleated this copy.

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Subj:     Woman's Sex Contract (S175)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #317 on 6/5/00

 I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...

 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after
 you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for
 five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I
 shall politely fake one.  And it'll be a really good act
 too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!" and
 howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a
 needle.

 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any
 relationship is to take the blame.  So when you stub your
 toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree
 that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible
 to woman - it will be my fault.  Even if I wasn't there.

 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat,
 I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-
 balled Himalayan yak.

 4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

 5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"),
 I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm
 goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

 6. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

 7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual
 position you fancy.  Especially ones where I do all the work
 and you just lie there, grinning.

 8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends
 and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual
 tendencies.  Then I'll invite them around for dinner.  And
 hide their car keys so they have to stay.

 9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your
 friends or colleagues.  Or anyone else you have ever met.
 Or may one day meet.  And if men attempt to chat me up, I
 will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for
 other men".

 10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers,
 and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of
 women.  I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to
 operate them, so you're in charge of the lot.  Except for the
 oven, iron and the washing machine, of course.

 Signed: ____________________________________
 Date: ________________

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Subj:     The Idiot's Guide To Sex (Part VI) (S155)
          Written by Will Snyder
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/17/2000

  1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.

  2. There is no need for dice in role playing.

  3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

  4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a
     head start.

  5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your
     financial portfolio.

  6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

  7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time,"
     she's not referring to a commercial break.

  8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love
     without smirking.

  9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

 10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.

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Subj:     Rules Of Sex (S142)
          From: collins2 on 10/23/1999

 ~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger
      than them.
 ~ Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
 ~ Never argue with a women when she's tired... or rested.
 ~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man,
      the women he couldn't.
 ~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
 ~ Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back
      in the spring, but don't say no.
 ~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't
      love her.
 ~ Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
 ~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the
      other eight are unimportant.
 ~ Anal sex can have positive results.
 ~ Take two at bedtime... especially if they're small.
 ~ Confusing the meaning of sexuality, bestiality, morality
      and reality...can really mess you up in a
      conservative community!
 ~ Original Sin is hard to find, but the digitally enhanced
      version is readily available.

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Subj:     Sex Positions Discussed In College (S125b)
          From: RFSlick on 6/23/99

 I once took a sex education class in college and a funny
 thing happened one day: The professor arrived and said we
 would be discussing positions that day and asked us how
 many positions did we know.  I sat there too embarrassed
 to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."

 The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call
 on another hand there was a loud call from the far back
 row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."  The
 little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't
 make out who had spoken.  Finally he called on a fellow
 down in the front row who replied, "Seven."  And once again
 from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."

 Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me.
 At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.  Finally
 she said, "Only one sir."  And the professor said, "Well
 young lady that is unusual.  And what position would that be?"

 "With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
 And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred
 and two!"

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Subj:     Mother And Daughter Discuss Sex (S116)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #298 on 4/22/99
          (Also see 'Mom Explains The Facts Of Life' in PENIS3)

 A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is
 it true what Rita just told me?  Babies come out of the
 same place where boys put their thingies?"

 "Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject
 had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it
 to her daughter.

 "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

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Subj:     Sexual Tension Quiz (S87, S428)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-18

 Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues.
 Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being
 described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself
 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

 If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more
 sex.  If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are
 in need of more love.  If you score over 21 points, you are
 classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.
 

 "CLUES"
 

  1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
     When I'm not well, I drip.
     When you blow me, you feel good.

  2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
     Your tongue gets me off.
     People sometimes lick my nuts.

  3. I assist an erection.
     Sometimes big balls hang from me.
     I'm called a big swinger.

  4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
     I wasn't maiden for long.
     A big hard thing ripped me open.

  5. You stick your poles inside me.
     You tie me down to get me up.
     I get wet before you do.

  6. When I go in I cause pain.
     I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
     I can fill your hole.

  7. A finger goes in me.
     You fiddle with me when you're bored.
     The best man always has me first.

  8. All day long, it's in and out.
     I discharge loads from my shaft.
     Both men and women go down on me.

  9. I go in hard.
     I come out soft.
     You blow me hard.

 10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
     It's my job to stuff your box.
     When I come, it's news.

 11. I offer Protection.
     I get the finger ten times.
     You use your fingers to get me off.

 12. I have a stiff shaft.
     My tip penetrates.
     I come with a quiver.

 13. My business is briefs.
     I am a cunning linguist.
     I plead and plead for it.

 14. I make some guys shoot in the air.
     I usually have a little pecker.
     I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
 

 (answers below)
 
 
 
 

 Answers:
 

  1. nose
  2. peanut butter
  3. crane
  4. Titanic
  5. tent
  6. dentist
  7. wedding ring
  8. elevator
  9. chewing gum
 10. newspaper boy
 11. glove
 12. arrow
 13. attorney
 14. bird
 

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Subj:     Quotations About Sex (S285, S535b)           From: auntiegah on 7/15/2002       and From: darrell94590 on 4/19/2007

 This web page combined quotations about sex by famous
 people with their pictures.  It is quite nice.  You can
 view it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Short Sex Jokes

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Subj:     Doggy Style (S446b)           From: LABLaughsAdult           on 8/04/2005

 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20050804
 You can view this cartoon at the source above, or on my
 web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Smoking After Sex (S337b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 7/8/2003
 Two gals lived next door to each other, and, were good
 friends. Every morning, after their husbands left for work
 and the kids were off to school, they would just relax and
 have coffee together, smoking and talking. One morning, one
 turned to the other and said, "do you smoke after you've
 had sex?"

 The friend looked a bit blank for a minute then responded,
 "Don't know -- Never looked " !!!
 

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Subj:     101 Positions - GIF (S434b)           From: LABLaughsAdult           on 5/20/2005

 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20040130
 To view the animated GIF, you can go to the source above, or
 go to my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Canadian Sexual Fantasy (S300)
          From: jerry on 10/31/2002
 A Prince Albert, Canadian, businessman was sentenced to 12
 months in prison for paying someone to satisfy his sexual
 fantasy by coming into his store armed with a pellet gun
 and ordering him and an unsuspecting female acquaintance
 to strip nude and assume a sexual position that they were
 then tied up into.  The compensation was the money taken
 from the register.

 The woman was able to free herself and call the police.

 "To say that this is bizarre and unique is an under-
 statement," said the judge at the sentencing.

 The Canadian Press via The Arizona Republic 31-Oct-02
 

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Subj:    Important Information About Sex (S432b)          From: LABLaughsAdult           on 4/29/2005  Source:

 http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20040411
 
 

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Subj:     Man Carrying Dead Body (S269b)
          From: jerry on 3/27/2002
 "They didn't want to disturb him any longer."  Comment
 made by a German police spokeswoman explaining why the
 police left a man's apartment soon after entering it
 in response to a report by a neighbor that he was seen
 carrying a dead body into his apartment which ended up
 being a silicon life-like female doll that the man
 happened to be, at that moment, trying out.

 Reuters 26-Mar-02
 

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Subj:     Public Sex Statistics (S259b)
          From: jerry on 1/16/2002
 Cora publishing of Germany, a romance novel company,
 surveyed 6,600 people around the world to find where
 the most sex in public places happens.  Public places
 include cars, trains, airplanes, beaches, parks,
 changing rooms, offices and libraries.

 Norway was first with 66%, Australians second with 64%
 followed by Greeks (60%), Swedes and Argentineans (55%)
 and Germans (47%).

 Last was France (13%), Canada (13%) and the U.S. (21%).

 Reuters via The Independent (South Africa) 14-Jan-02
 

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Subj:     Effects Of No Sex (S244b)
          From: jerry on 10/3/2001
 News item: Two Georgia State University sociologists have
 announced their findings that people who aren't having
 sex, but want to, are frustrated and unhappy.  And thank
 you very much Georgia State University.

 Fox News 30-Aug-01
 

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Subj:     Russian Tries For Sex Record (S240b)
          From: bonehead on 9/5/2001
 Remember the old days, during the 'cold war,' when Russia's
 Pravda was a dull political newspaper spewing out the party
 line?  No longer the case.

 Pravda reports that a 21-year-old Estonian man, believed to
 have the longest penis in Estonia, 20 cm flaccid (over 7
 3/4 inches flaccid), has failed to go the distance in
 setting a world record for ''satisfying women.'' [Russia
 likes to keep track of these sorts of things].

 He would have had to ''make 100 women happy during 3 days''
 to beat the old record of 90 held by an American.

 But it was not to be for they could only find 27 willing
 women.

 Pravda (Russia) 3-Sep-01
 

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Subj:     What's Rodeo Sex? (S522b)
 Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are
 firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand,
 and you say to her "This is the way your sister likes it too."

 You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

Second version
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #23

 Ever hear of the Australian Rodeo?
 You get your wife down on all fours to do the dirty, reach
 around and grab her by the breasts and say "Hey, my secretary's
 are bigger than these".  Start the clock and see if you can
 stay on for 8 seconds.

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Subj:     Sex Ed (S201)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 12/1/2000
 Ed asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds
 and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said,
 bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son
 what was wrong.

 "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no
 Santa' speech.  At age seven I got the 'there's no
 Easter bunny' speech.  Then at age 8 you hit me with the
 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!  If you're going to tell
 me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got
 nothing left to live for!"

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Subj:     Women's Multiple Orgasms (S185)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #320 08/13/2000
 During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was
 discussing various items in the Kinsey report.

 The class members gasped audibly when the instructor
 read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in
 a single session.

 A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

 A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... who was *HE*?!"

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Subj:     Days Men Prefer Sex (S181, S576c)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/12/99
      and From: ginafm on 1/23/2008
 A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer
 to have sex?  It was found that men preferred to engage
 in sexual activity on the days that started with "T":

 Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday and Thunday
 

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Subj:     Virgin Fixation (S164)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 03/24/2000
 The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions
 when a caller   asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men
 always want to marry a virgin?

 To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
 

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Subj:     Quote In The Houston Chronicle (S129)
          From: collins2 on 7/20/99
 "The expense is damnable, the pleasure fleeting and the
 position ridiculous."  This was said by Dr. Sam Johnson,
 the man who wrote the first English-language dictionary.
 He was describing the sex act.
 

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Subj:     Birth Control For Daughter
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #310 on 6/27/99
 A man walks into a doctor’s office asking for a birth
 control pill for his daughter. The doctor replies, "How
 old is your daughter?"

 "She is 11," he replies.

 The doctor is surprised, "Is she sexually active at 11?"
 He replies, "No, she just lays there like her mother
 unfortunately."

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Subj:     Sex Doggy Style (S113)
          From: thebartend on 3/22/99
          (See 'Sex Doggy Style II' in SEX2)
 Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their
 wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?"

 "Well... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog
 aspect of it."

 "Oh, I see, kinky huh?"

 "Well... not exactly...I sit up and beg and she rolls
 over and plays dead."
 

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Subj:     Six Stages Of Married Life (S341)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/5/2003
 1: Tri-weekly
 2: Try weekly
 3: Try weakly
 4. Try oysters
 5: Try anything
 6: Try to remember
 

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Subj:     The 7 Kinds Of Sex (S65, S487)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #103 on 98-04-28
      and From: redcatt on 5/22/2006
          (See 'Types Of Sex' in Sex2)
 The first is Smurf Sex.
      This happens during the honeymoon;
      you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

 The second is Kitchen Sex.
      This is at the beginning of the marriage;
      you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the
      kitchen.

 The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
      You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so
      you gotta do it in the bedroom.

 The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
      This is where you pass each other in the hallway
      and say, "Fuck you~!"

 The fifthth kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which
      means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
      afternoon and Nun at night.

 The Sixth  kind is called Courtroom Sex.  This is when
      you cannot stand your wife any more.  She takes
      you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

 And last, but not least, the Seventh kind of sex is called:
     Social Security Sex.  You get a little each month. But
     not enough to live on.
 

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Subj:     Different Types Of Sex (S229)
          From: pns on 6/18/2001
LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
   "I've got a big problem, Doctor.  Every time we're
   in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
   earsplitting yell."
   "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
   natural. I don't see what the problem is."
   "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came
   right out and asked his wife during a recent love-
   making session, "How come you never tell me when you
   have an orgasm?"
   She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're
   never home!"
DECEPTIVE SEX: A married man and his secretary were
   having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't
   contain their passion, so they rushed over to her
   place where they spent the afternoon making pas-
   sionate love.  When they were finished, they fell
   asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock.  They got
   dressed quickly.  Then the man told his secretary
   to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
   Bewildered, she did as he asked (thinking he is
   pretty weird).  The man finally got home and his
   wife met him at the door.  Upset, she asked where
   he'd been.
   The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie.  My secretary
   and I are having an affair.  Today we left work
   early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making
   love, and then fell asleep.  That's why I'm late."
   The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and
   yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your
   shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again,
   haven't you!
INNOCENT SEX: A little boy and a little girl were sitting
   on the porch talking, when the little girl asked: "Do
   you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?"
   The little boy replied "That's too old fashioned,,,
   spit out your gum, I want to play President."
 

 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
 Cheating on their spouse.

 Facts about Americans. Did you know that...
 The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
 Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
 56% of men have had sex at work.
 1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair.
 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.
 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
 The most common fantasy is oral sex.
 Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
 8% of us have regular anal sex.
 58% like dirty talk during sex.
 22% rent porno flicks at least once.

 There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel
 the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
 them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
 Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
 virgins to marry.  (now let's just think for a minute...
 is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
 comes close to this?)

 From 'Strange Sex Laws' in LAWS file.

 In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his
 female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

 The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is
 the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position
 is considered illegal. (So this is how they plan on getting
 Clinton)

 Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity
 between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of
 a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if
 you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

 Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your
 spouse.  Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, mastur-
 bation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment.
 Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however
 is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the
 missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
 Sex is NOT the answer..... Sex is the question.  YES is the answer!!!

From: humorlist-digest V2 #74 on 98-03-24
 Once a King, Always a King......but Once a Knight is enough!

From: humorlist-digest V2 #100 on 98-04-22
 Do infants have as much fun in their infancy
 as adults do in adultery?

From: auntieg on 98-05-05
 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

From: ossama on 98-05-05
 A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially
 if she winks back.

From: auntieg 98-05-09
 The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy
 moth from 1.8 miles away.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11 (S106)
 Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #157 on 98-06-28
 "What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."- Tom Clancey

From: ossama on 99-02-15 (S108)
 A professsor was asked to give a talk on "Sex"
 When his turn came, he stood up, said "Ladies and gentlemen
 it gives me great pleasure........." and sat down promptly.

From: ossama on 99-02-25 (S110)
 Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
 accidents in the back seat cause kids.

From: pns on 3/30/2001 (S218)
 Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
 chances are you won't either.

From: mombear1 on 9/2/2001 (S240)
 I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Woman
 But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

From: dogbyte on 10/8/2001 (S245)
 I think sex is better than logic,
 but I can't prove it.

From: dogbyte on 10/12/2001 (S245)
 It's o.k. to laugh during sex... just don't point!

An original... (S402b)
From: drgolfmd on 9/22/2004
 I used to be into bestiality, necrophilia, and sado-masochism,
 but I got tired of beating a dead horse...
 

 Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month?
 A: Conception.

From: The Sequel Collage Beta #2 on 98-02-23
 Q: What is the definition of Spit, Swallow, and Gargle?
 A: Love, True Love, and just plain showing off!

From: humorlist-digest V1 #200 on 97-09-17
 Q: Why is sex like air?
 A: It's no big thing unless you're not getting any.

From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98 (S437b)
and From: chicababe1978@yahoo.com on 6/12/2005
 Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
 A: It is a sin to put it in, but
    it's a shame to pull it out.

 Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
 A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

 Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
 A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
 A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

From: Tom_Adams on (S68)
 Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
 A: Sexual harassment.

 Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
 A: $3.99 a minute.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #143 on 98-06-09
 Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
 A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #260 - Quickies! on 98-07-18
 Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex ?
 A: Oral sex make your whole day,
    anal sex make your hole weak.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
 Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
 A: Ugly sheep.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #309 on 6/24/99 (S126b)
 Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
 A: Ask your mother.

From: mrx on 7/14/2004 (S390b)
 Q: Did you hear about the new magazine for
    married men published by Playboy?
 A: It has the same pictures month after month
    after month after month after month....

From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/11/2005 (S421b)
 Q: What does not belong: your dog, an egg, or all night sex?
 A: You can beat your dog.  You can beat an egg, but
    you can't beat all night sex.

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Smiley Makes a Pass from Smiliemania.da

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