Subj: Sex3 Jokes
(Includes 128 jokes and articles, 10 1052,5,cf,vYT3,3)
Click "Here" for Sex-Supp
SEX1 contains mostly jokes
SEX2 contains jokes and tests
Sex3 oddities and short jokes
Subj: Trojan Games (S354b,d, S508b)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/7/2003
and From: darrell94590 on 10/16/2006
Trojan Games - Pelvic Power Lifting - Bucharest 2003
If Trojan condoms was sponsoring
the Olympics, this is one
game that they would definitely want to sponsor. You can
view this funny, dirty video by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Animal Sex Facts (S179, S373b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #318 on 6/25/00
Humans and dolphins are the
only species that have sex for
pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?
The male praying mantis cannot
copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping
the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Male bats have the highest rate
of homosexuality of any
group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats. (batty)
Lions will have sex about 500
times with one mate. This is
to ensure fertilization. (any excuse)
In Texas it is illegal to have
sex with a fish, in Florida
it is illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought
both laws were good so there it is illegal to have sex with
a drunk fish.
Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth.
In Argentina, it is rumoured
that eating cats is good for
your health and stimulates sexual potency.
You can tell a turtle's sex by
its sound. Males grunt,
Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
The eagle has sex while going
up to 60 mph. in flight,
and it is common for both eagles to hit the ground before
they finish. (out with a bang)
Apart from humans, certain species
of chimpanzee are the
only animals to experiment sexually. They have been known
to 'wife swap' and indulge in group sex. (brings a whole
new meaning to monkeying around)
According to Dr. David Gems,
a British geneticist, sex-
craved male mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing
female mice, could live years longer if they abstained.
(tell that to bill clinton)
In the past 60 years, the groundhog
has only predicted
the weather correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back
and forth from burrows is believed to indicate sexual
activity, not shadow seeking.
A certain musical note can sexually
excite cats -- the
same note when played for kittens makes them want to
go to the bathroom.
If disconnected, the sex organs
(or gonads) of an
armadillo are still active.
The ten-inch Banana Slugs of
the Northwest end their
30 hour hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off
each other's male sex organs. (banana bobit)
Mosquitoes perform a sex act
that lasts only 2 seconds.
(some women have met a man like this)
The largest living animal, the
blue whale, naturally
enough also has the largest penis, measuring approximately
10 feet long and 1 foot in diameter. It's cousin, the
sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And yes, the sperm
whale is so named because early sailors thought those
gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed
sperm. (met one or two sperm women)
Long a symbol of sexual potency,
the rhinoceros can
ejaculate ten times or more during his half hour session
with a female. They also have penises that are 2 feet
long. (what did you expect with a horn like that)
Though barnacles can't move,
they still mate via an
extraordinarily long penis (150% their body length)
that reaches over and into the female's mantle cavity.
Female chimpanzees have been
with their fingers, twigs and a water faucet. (stay
of the water)
A drone honeybee will wait his
whole life for one
chance to mate with a queen. As soon as the queen
opens her sting chamber to receive him, he explodes,
his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade.
Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to
fall to the ground dead and eviscerated, albeit with
a smile on his face.
Fleas are known to engage in
sex immediately after
feasting on rabbit's blood specifically if the
opportunity presents itself.
Gorilla penises are only a third
of that of an average
Humans aren't the only female
animals that can
experience orgasm; some rabbits and ferrets do as well.
(how do they find this out)
A whale's penis is called a dork,
is where we get the derogatory slang.
Porpoises have been known to
engage in group sex. (they
do it on porpoise)
Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped
engaged in sex, the male's penis will make semi-rotary
actions until it becomes firmly secured in the folds
of the female's cervix at which point the male
ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long
as 30 minutes. (is why they call it a screw)
Female baboons have been known
to engage in a primitive
form of prostitution by stealing food during sex.
The average mink sexual encounter
lasts for several
hours (how do you think they get their coats so shiny?)
22.75 hours is the current record
for the longest
rattlesnake mating session.
The female bedbug is born without
any external sex
organs. So the male bedbug has to drill his pointed
penis to drill a hole into her partner's gut and
deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long
spells without access to human blood, the female's
been known to dine on her male partner's semen. (go
on drill her)
Capuchin monkeys usually say
hello by showing each
other their erections.
Perhaps the originator of the
"quickie," a baboon
engages in a typical sex session that lasts all of
Subj: Statistics on Women and Sex: (S428b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/29/2005
70% of women who smoke have had
more than 4 lovers in the
last yearwhile 60% of female non-smokers had none.
Women who respond to sex surveys
in magazines like Cosmo may
have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
Women who read romance novels
have sex twice as often as
those who don't.
Women with a Ph.D. are twice
as likely to be turned on by
the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a
Women who went to college are
more likely to enjoy oral sex
(giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
National birthrates rise and
fall with the height of
In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines
and necklines of
unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during
Women who have a positive attitude
towards sex tend to be
less achievement oriented.
White teenage girls who live
with single mothers are 60% more
likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live
with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.
Women who lost their virginity
before their 18th birthday are
likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.
Atheists, non-Christians and
Jews are tend to be more sexually
active than practicing Christians.
Women who have spent a night
in jail are almost 50% more likely
to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with
no criminal record.
Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
Latino women have sex more often
than either Blacks or Whites,
who get down at roughly the same rate.
Black women are 50% more likely
than White women to come every
time they have sex.
White women, especially those
with a college degree, are the
most receptive to anal sex.
20% of women who live with their
boyfriends have more than one
So, you know what this means?
Yup...all you guys have to go
A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D.,
wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a
swanky bar,smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara
Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too
Subj: Statistical Findings On Sex: (S283)
From: KORR on 7/1/2002
10% of the women had sex within
hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favor nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having
anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest
than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever
come of it!
Subj: Sex In The Dark (S222)
From: gheckman on 3/13/2001
There was this couple that was
married for 20 years, and
every time they made love the husband always insisted on
shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years, the wife
felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of
the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were
in the middle of a romantic
session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and
saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure
She gets completely upset. "You
impotent bastard," she
screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks at her straight
in the eyes and says
calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."
Subj: Deli Sex
A man goes into the local corner
deli. When the shop
assistant, a very buxom young girl, asks if she can get
him anything, he leans over and whispers, "Is it true that
you give hand jobs in the back room?".
"Why yes sir" the shop assistant
coos. "I've already had
5 satisfied customers this morning, and it's only 11:30am".
"Good, good" the man replies.
"Well, go and wash yer hands
then -- I only want a ham sandwich".
Subj: Thor Has Sex
From: humorlist-digest V1 #189 on 97-09-02
Thor, the Viking God of Thunder,
and his pa,l Bob, were
up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Bob, "Bob,
it's been a long time now. I *really* need to have sex.."
Bob stood and pondered for a
while, before replying, "Go
to Earth, oh Thor, and find thyself what they call a
"prostitute", and give her a bloody good seeing to.."
And Thor did, and he saw that this was good..
The next day, he came back up
to see Bob, and told him of
the previous night's events. "Oh Bob," he said, grinning
like a shagged out God, "It was wonderful. We had
passionate sex 37 times.."
"37 times?!?!" exclaimed Bob.
"You must go and apologise
this instant!".. so Thor went back down to earth and found
the aforementioned prostitute, saying.. "I'm sorry about
last night, but you see, I'm Thor.."
"You're Thor?!?!" Shouted the
girl. "You're Thor?!?.. I
can't even pith!!!"
Subj: Jane Meets Tarzan (S218)
From: gheckman on 4/5/2001
(Also see 'The
First Time Adam And Eve Have Sex' in EDEN
and see 'Farmer's Son's First Time At Brothel' in HOOKER)
When Jane initially met Tarzan
of the jungle she was attracted
to him and during her questions about his life she asked him
how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified she said, "Tarzan you
have it all wrong but I will
show you how to do it properly."
She took of her clothes and laid down on the ground.
"Here", she said, "You must put it here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth,
stepped closer and then gave
her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for bees."
Subj: 94 Year Old Dies During Sex (S214, S6574b)
From: KMACINTY on 3/8/2001
and From: aldavito on 12/12/2009
On hearing that her elderly grandfather
had passed away,
Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked
the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grand-
mother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on
Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age
94 was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh, no," her grandmother replied,
"We had sex every Sunday
morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings
and out with the dongs." She paused and wiped away a tear.
"If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd
still be alive."
Subj: Sex And Happiness Survey (S211)
From: BennoRo on 2/12/2001
Once there was a philosopher
doing a survey on a group of
men, on the topic of happiness. He said "I can prove to
you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount
of sex you have!"
To prove this he glanced at the
audience. He saw a man at
the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have
sex?" he asked.
"Once a month." the man answered.
Looking for another happy face,
he spotted a man in the
middle, having a bigger smile. He asked him "Sir, How
often do you have sex?"
"Once a week. " the man shouted.
Trying to prove his theory further,
he saw another man
laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, how often
do you have sex?"
"Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered.
"There, I am right ...the amount
of happiness has relation
to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.
But far off at the end of the
room, he saw a man with his
hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much
happiness. So the philosopher said to him, "You sure
look like a very happy man?"
"Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.
"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.
The man answered "Once a year...."
The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher
asked the man "WHAT?
Then why are you so happy??"
The man while laughing, and jumping
said: "IT'S TONIGHT...
Subj: Elderly Couple Has Sex Behind Bar (S210, S774)
From: KMACINTY on 2/5/2001
and From: AFine963 on 11/15/2011
This little old couple were having
drinks at a local bar.
The old man says to his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went
behind the bar. You leaned against the fence and I made
love to you from behind."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking
a stroll 'round there
again and we can do it for old times sake?"
"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds
like a good idea," she
There's a man sitting at the
next table listening to all
this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got
to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.'
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back
of the bar and make their
way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes
her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the
old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most
furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are
bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty
minutes. She's yelling
"Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting
on the ground. The
guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned some-
thing about life that he didn't know before.
He starts to think about his
own aged parents and wonders
if they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying
on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggled to their feet and put their
clothes back on.
The guy, still watching thinks,
'That was truly amazing!
He was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his
As the couple pass, the guy says
to them, "That was
something else! You must have been shagging for about
forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some
sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret", the
old man says, "except fifty
years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
Subj: Firing A Starter Gun During Sex (S210)
From: thebartend on 2/1/2001
A Starter Gun During Sex' in Marriage3
so I deleated this copy.
Subj: The Idiot's Guide To Sex (Part VI) (S155)
Written by Will Snyder
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/17/2000
1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex
first, it's not called a
5. If she says she's into "bondage,"
don't show her your
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about
waiting for the "right time,"
she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you
love or can say you love
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.
Subj: Rules Of Sex (S142)
From: collins2 on 10/23/1999
~ Never have sex with a stranger
unless you are stranger
~ Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
~ Never argue with a women when she's tired... or rested.
~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man,
the women he couldn't.
~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
~ Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back
in the spring, but don't say no.
~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't
~ Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the
other eight are unimportant.
~ Anal sex can have positive results.
~ Take two at bedtime... especially if they're small.
~ Confusing the meaning of sexuality, bestiality, morality
and reality...can really mess you up in a
~ Original Sin is hard to find, but the digitally enhanced
version is readily available.
Subj: Sex Positions Discussed In College (S125b)
From: RFSlick on 6/23/99
I once took a sex education class
in college and a funny
thing happened one day: The professor arrived and said we
would be discussing positions that day and asked us how
many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed
to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."
The professor nodded approval
but as he got ready to call
on another hand there was a loud call from the far back
row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one." The
little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't
make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow
down in the front row who replied, "Seven." And once again
from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
Finally he called on a very shy
lady sitting next to me.
At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally
she said, "Only one sir." And the professor said, "Well
young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman
on the bottom," she replied.
And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred
Subj: Mother And Daughter Discuss Sex (S116)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #298 on 4/22/99
(Also see 'Mom Explains The Facts Of Life' in PENIS3)
A teenager comes home from school
and asks her mother, "Is
it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the
same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear." replies her mother,
pleased that the subject
had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it
to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
Quotations About Sex (S285, S535b)
From: auntiegah on 7/15/2002
and From: darrell94590 on 4/19/2007
This web page combined quotations
about sex by famous
people with their pictures. It is quite nice. You can
view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Short Sex Jokes
Doggy Style (S446b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/04/2005
Subj: Smoking After Sex (S337b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/8/2003
Two gals lived next door to each other, and, were good
friends. Every morning, after their husbands left for work
and the kids were off to school, they would just relax and
have coffee together, smoking and talking. One morning, one
turned to the other and said, "do you smoke after you've
The friend looked a bit blank
for a minute then responded,
"Don't know -- Never looked " !!!
101 Positions - GIF (S434b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/20/2005
Subj: Canadian Sexual Fantasy (S300)
From: jerry on 10/31/2002
A Prince Albert, Canadian, businessman was sentenced to 12
months in prison for paying someone to satisfy his sexual
fantasy by coming into his store armed with a pellet gun
and ordering him and an unsuspecting female acquaintance
to strip nude and assume a sexual position that they were
then tied up into. The compensation was the money taken
from the register.
The woman was able to free herself and call the police.
"To say that this is bizarre
and unique is an under-
statement," said the judge at the sentencing.
The Canadian Press via The Arizona
Information About Sex (S432b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/29/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Man Carrying Dead Body (S269b)
From: jerry on 3/27/2002
"They didn't want to disturb him any longer." Comment
made by a German police spokeswoman explaining why the
police left a man's apartment soon after entering it
in response to a report by a neighbor that he was seen
carrying a dead body into his apartment which ended up
being a silicon life-like female doll that the man
happened to be, at that moment, trying out.
Subj: Public Sex Statistics (S259b)
From: jerry on 1/16/2002
Cora publishing of Germany, a romance novel company,
surveyed 6,600 people around the world to find where
the most sex in public places happens. Public places
include cars, trains, airplanes, beaches, parks,
changing rooms, offices and libraries.
Norway was first with 66%, Australians
second with 64%
followed by Greeks (60%), Swedes and Argentineans (55%)
and Germans (47%).
Last was France (13%), Canada (13%) and the U.S. (21%).
Reuters via The Independent (South
Subj: UN Statistics (S958)
From: AFine963 on 5/26/2015
Statistics recently released from The United Nations reveal that:
Australian, Canadian, NZ and
US men between 50 and 75 years of age,
will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas
Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once
or twice per year.
This is very upsetting news to
most of my friends, as they had no
idea they were Japanese.
Subj: Effects Of No Sex (S244b)
From: jerry on 10/3/2001
News item: Two Georgia State University sociologists have
announced their findings that people who aren't having
sex, but want to, are frustrated and unhappy. And thank
you very much Georgia State University.
Fox News 30-Aug-01
Subj: Russian Tries For Sex Record (S240b)
From: bonehead on 9/5/2001
Remember the old days, during the 'cold war,' when Russia's
Pravda was a dull political newspaper spewing out the party
line? No longer the case.
Pravda reports that a 21-year-old
Estonian man, believed to
have the longest penis in Estonia, 20 cm flaccid (over 7
3/4 inches flaccid), has failed to go the distance in
setting a world record for ''satisfying women.'' [Russia
likes to keep track of these sorts of things].
He would have had to ''make 100
women happy during 3 days''
to beat the old record of 90 held by an American.
But it was not to be for they
could only find 27 willing
Pravda (Russia) 3-Sep-01
Subj: What's Rodeo Sex? (S522b)
Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are
firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand,
and you say to her "This is the way your sister likes it too."
You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #23
Ever hear of the Australian Rodeo?
You get your wife down on all fours to do the dirty, reach
around and grab her by the breasts and say "Hey, my secretary's
are bigger than these". Start the clock and see if you can
stay on for 8 seconds.
Subj: Sex Ed (S201)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 12/1/2000
Ed asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds
and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said,
bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son
what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age
six I got the 'there's no
Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no
Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the
'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell
me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got
nothing left to live for!"
Subj: Women's Multiple Orgasms (S185)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #320 08/13/2000
During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was
discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly
when the instructor
read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in
a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... who was *HE*?!"
Subj: Days Men Prefer Sex (S181, S576c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/12/99
and From: ginafm on 1/23/2008
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer
to have sex? It was found that men preferred to engage
in sexual activity on the days that started with "T":
Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving
Today Tomorrow Thaturday and Thunday
Subj: Virgin Fixation (S164)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 03/24/2000
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions
when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men
always want to marry a virgin?
To which the doctor handily responded,
"To avoid criticism."
Subj: Quote In The Houston Chronicle (S129)
From: collins2 on 7/20/99
"The expense is damnable, the pleasure fleeting and the
position ridiculous." This was said by Dr. Sam Johnson,
the man who wrote the first English-language dictionary.
He was describing the sex act.
Subj: Birth Control For Daughter
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #310 on 6/27/99
A man walks into a doctor's office asking for a birth
control pill for his daughter. The doctor replies, "How
old is your daughter?"
"She is 11," he replies.
The doctor is surprised, "Is
she sexually active at 11?"
He replies, "No, she just lays there like her mother
Subj: Sex Doggy Style (S113)
From: thebartend on 3/22/99
(See 'Sex Doggy Style II' in SEX2)
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their
wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?"
"Well... not exactly. She's more
into the trick dog
aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky huh?"
"Well... not exactly...I sit
up and beg and she rolls
over and plays dead."
Subj: Six Stages Of Married Life (S341)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/5/2003
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember
Subj: The 7 Kinds Of Sex (S65, S634)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #103 on 98-04-28
and From: tom on 3/1/2009
(See 'Types Of Sex' in Sex2)
The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon;
you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so
you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway
and say, "Fuck you~!"
The fifthth kind of sex is called:
Religious Sex, which
means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night.
The Sixth kind is called
Courtroom Sex. This is when
you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes
you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the
Seventh kind of sex is called:
Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But
not enough to live on.
Subj: Different Types Of Sex (S229)
From: pns on 6/18/2001
LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, Doctor. Every time we're
in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came
right out and asked his wife during a recent love-
making session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're
DECEPTIVE SEX: A married man and his secretary were
having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't
contain their passion, so they rushed over to her
place where they spent the afternoon making pas-
sionate love. When they were finished, they fell
asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got
dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary
to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she did as he asked (thinking he is
pretty weird). The man finally got home and his
wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary
and I are having an affair. Today we left work
early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making
love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and
yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your
shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again,
INNOCENT SEX: A little boy and a little girl were sitting
on the porch talking, when the little girl asked: "Do
you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?"
The little boy replied "That's too old fashioned,,,
spit out your gum, I want to play President."
85% of the guys who die while
having sex are doing this.
Cheating on their spouse.
Facts about Americans. Did you
The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4".
56% of men have had sex at work.
1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair.
62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.
60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.
The most common fantasy is oral sex.
Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
8% of us have regular anal sex.
58% like dirty talk during sex.
22% rent porno flicks at least once.
There are men in Guam whose full-time
job is to travel
the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry. (now let's just think for a minute...
is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
comes close to this?)
From 'Strange Sex Laws' in LAWS file.
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no
man shall shoot of a gun while his
female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
The only acceptable sexual position
in Washington D.C. is
the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position
is considered illegal. (So this is how they plan on getting
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that
bans all sexual activity
between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of
a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if
you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
Utah state legislation outlaws
all sex with anyone but your
spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, mastur-
bation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment.
Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however
is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the
missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
Sex is NOT the answer..... Sex is the question. YES is the answer!!!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #74 on 98-03-24
Once a King, Always a King......but Once a Knight is enough!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #100 on 98-04-22
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy
as adults do in adultery?
From: auntieg on 98-05-05
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
From: ossama on 98-05-05
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially
if she winks back.
From: auntieg 98-05-09
The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy
moth from 1.8 miles away.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #157 on 98-06-28
"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."- Tom Clancey
From: ossama on 99-02-15 (S108)
A professsor was asked to give a talk on "Sex"
When his turn came, he stood up, said "Ladies and gentlemen
it gives me great pleasure........." and sat down promptly.
From: ossama on 99-02-25 (S110)
Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
From: pns on 3/30/2001 (S218)
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.
From: mombear1 on 9/2/2001 (S240)
I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Woman
But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.
From: dogbyte on 10/8/2001 (S245)
I think sex is better than logic,
but I can't prove it.
From: dogbyte on 10/12/2001 (S245)
It's o.k. to laugh during sex... just don't point!
An original... (S402b)
From: drgolfmd on 9/22/2004
I used to be into bestiality, necrophilia, and sado-masochism,
but I got tired of beating a dead horse...
Q: What occurs more often in
December than any other month?
From: The Sequel Collage Beta #2 on
Q: What is the definition of Spit, Swallow, and Gargle?
A: Love, True Love, and just plain showing off!
From: humorlist-digest V1 #200 on 97-09-17
Q: Why is sex like air?
A: It's no big thing unless you're not getting any.
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98 (S437b)
and From: firstname.lastname@example.org on 6/12/2005
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but
it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What did the potato chip say
to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
From: Tom_Adams on (S68)
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks
nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #143 on 98-06-09
Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #260 - Quickies!
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex ?
A: Oral sex make your whole day,
anal sex make your hole weak.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #309 on 6/24/99
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
From: mrx on 7/14/2004 (S390b)
Q: Did you hear about the new magazine for
married men published by Playboy?
A: It has the same pictures month after month
after month after month after month....
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/11/2005 (S421b)
Q: What does not belong: your dog, an egg, or all night sex?
A: You can beat your dog. You can beat an egg, but
you can't beat all night sex.
..............................Smiley Makes a Pass from Smiliemania.da.