Subj: Shit Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 26 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Shit-Supp
Bart's Butt
from
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
| >>>
Subj: Shit Jokes (Gz) (Includes 26 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Shit-Supp |
|
Bart's Butt from Billy'S MovinG PictureS |
Also see ALLIGATORS - 'Two
Alligators Talk'
ASIAN file - 'Tongue
Twister'
BAR1 file - 'Angry
Man Comes Into Bar'
BATHROOM file- 'How
To Poop At Work:'
BEARS file - 'Camping
Alert'
......................-
'Bear
And Rabbit Take A Shit'
BIRDS file - 'Blue
Bird Sings Inside Manure'
BIRDS-DUCKS - 'Ducks
Covered With Crap'
BROTHERS - 'Two
Brothers At Christmas'
CARS1 file - 'Lady
Farts While Buying Expensive Car'
.........DOCTOR2
file - 'Doctor's
Advice For Premature Ejaculation'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Medical
Students Diagnose Syndromes'
DRINKINGBEER2- 'Orkney
Beer From Cow Poop'
DRINKING-SUPP- 'Drinking
Water Vs Drinking Booz'
ELEPHANT file- 'An
Elephant's Medicine'
FACTS2 file - 'Smelling
Poop At Taco Bell'
FART file - 'Fart Football'
......................-
'Kids
are a Gas!'
FOOD_ETC file- 'Dad's
Brownies'
FROG file - 'Eagle
Swallows Frog'
GHOST file - 'Drunk
Walks Past Hospital'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Tom
Woke-Up In Heaven'
HOSPITAL1 - 'In
An Accident'
JOBS1 file - 'The
Plan'
JOBS2 file - 'Lesson
number two: The Turkey and the Bull'
......................-
'The
Drugstore Clerk'
JOBS-SUPP - 'Job
S.H.I.T.'
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Asking
Applicants A Final Question'
MONKEY file - 'Monkey
Poop Coffee'
NATIVE AMERCN- 'Politician
Visits Reservation'
......................-
'Making
An Indian From A Pile Of Shit'
PILOT file - 'Plane
Needs Latrine Pumped'
POLICE2 file - 'Man
In Shootout With Police'
PROGRAMMER - 'Programmer
And Engineer Bet On Plane'
SCHOOL1 file - 'First
Graders Learn Grown-Up Words'
SOLDIER2 file- 'British
vs French Uniforms'
SOLDIER-SUPP - 'Off-Base
Housing'
STATUES file - 'Two
Statues Come Alive'
THANKSGIVING - 'Learning
Dirty Words On Thanksgiving'
TREES file - 'Pheasant
Wants To Climb A Tree'
WAITER-WAITRS- 'Waitress
w/Thumb In The Food'
......................-
'Indian
Carrying Shotgun And Manure Wants Coffee'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Jack Schitt (S479b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 3/20/2006 |
 |
To view this funny SWF movie,
either go to the source above,
or on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Interesting
Word Origin (S346b)
From: JBCARY1 on 9/17/2003
In the 16th and 17th centuries,
everything had to be
transported by ship. It
was also before the invention of
commercial fertilizer, so large
shipments of manure were
common. It was shipped
dry, because in dry form it weighed
a lot less than when wet, but
once water (at sea) hit it,
it not only became heavier,
but the process of fermentation
began again, of which a by-product
is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below
decks in bundles you can see
what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up
below decks and the first time
someone came below at night
with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed
in this manner before it was
determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles
of manure were always stamped
with the term "Ship High In
Transit" on them which meant
for the sailors to stow it high
enough off the lower decks so
that any water that came into
the hold would not touch this
volatile cargo and start the
production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T,"
which has come down through
the centuries and is in use
to this very day.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: S.H.I.T.
Origin Is Urban Legend (S347)
From: merlin_of_chaos on 9/25/2003
The origin of the word Shit from
"Ship High In Transit" is
a urban legend. Go to
the web site
http://urbanlegends.miningco.com/library/bl-s-word.htm
and read it's real, dull history.
I apologize for my
error. Thank you Noah
for the correction.
Noah also found the true origin
of two other famous dirty
things. The origin of
Fuck:
http://urbanlegends.miningco.com/library/bl-f-word.htm
and the origin of 'The Bird':
http://urbanlegends.miningco.com/library/bl-pluck-yew.htm
\\\//
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Subj: Dan
Rather Talks To Little Tommy On A Plane (S399)
From: DoctorDebt on 9/6/2004
(Also see 'Two Airplane
Passengers Talk' below)
Dan Rather of CBS news was seated
next to little Tommy on
the plane when Rather turned
to the boy and said, "Let's
talk, I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up
a conversation with your fellow
passengers.
Little Tommy, who had just opened
his book, closed it slowly,
and said to Rather, "What would
you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know" said Rather,
"How about politics? Should
we keep Bush as president or
elect Kerry?"
"OK" said Little Tommy, "That
could be an interesting topic
but let me ask you a question
first. A horse, a cow and a
deer all eat grass. The
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow
turns out flat pattys, and a
horse excretes clumps of dried
grass. Why do you think that
is?"
"Jeez" said Rather, "I have no idea."
"Well then" said Little Tommy,
How is it you feel qualified to
discuss who should run this
country when you don't know shit?"
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Airplane Passengers Talk (S305, S555)
From: mjsl on 12/3/2002
and
From: SCOTCOB on 9/7/2007
(See 'Programmer
And Engineer Bet On Plane' in PROGRAMMER file
and 'Dan Rather Talks
To Little Tommy On A Plane' above)
A stranger was seated next to
a little girl on the airplane
when the stranger turned to
her and said, "Let's talk. I've
heard that flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just
opened her book, closed it
slowly and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to
talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger,
"How about nuclear
power?"
"OK," she said. "That could
be an interesting topic. But
let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty,and a
horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"
The stranger thinks about it
and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear
power when you don't know shit?
\\\//
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Subj: The
Hypnotist (S295, S536c)
From: gheckman on 2/19/2002
and
From: darrell94590 on 4/24/2007
It was opening night at the Orpheum
and The Amazing Claude
was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to
see the famed hypnotist do his
stuff.
As Claude took to the stage,
he announced, "Unlike most
stage hypnotists who invite
two or three people up onto
the stage to be put into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of this
audience."
The excitement was almost electric
as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat.
I want you each to keep your
eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for
six generations. He began
to swing the watch gently back
and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch,
watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as
the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds
of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until
suddenly it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell
to the floor, breaking into
a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean
up the theatre.
\\\//
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Subj: Don't
Poop On October 28 (S247)
From: Anaise on 10/24/2001
Don't go to the bathroom on October
28th. CIA intelligence
reports that a major plot is
planned for that day. Anyone
who takes a poop on the 28th
will be bitten on the ass by
an alligator. Reports
indicate that organized groups of
alligators are planning to rise
up into unsuspecting
American's toilet bowls and
bite them when they are doing
their dirty business.
I usually don't send emails like
this, but I got this
information from a reliable
source. It came from a friend
of a friend whose cousin is
dating this girl whose brother
knows this guy whose wife knows
this lady whose husband
buys hotdogs from this guy who
knows a a shoeshine guy who
shines the shoes of a mailroom
worker who has a friend
who's drug dealer sells drugs
to another mailroom worker
who works in the CIA building.
He apparently overheard
two guys talking in the bathroom
about alligators and came
to the conclusion that we are
going to be attacked. So it
must be true.
\\\//
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Subj: Washington
Crosses The Delaware (S242, S522b)
From: thebartend on 9/19/2001
and
From: darrell94590 on 1/19/2007
You know how people are always
wondering how certain phrases
came into being, like
"Don't shoot till you see the whites
of their eyes" and "Remember
the Alamo" and so on.
A lot of people asked me where
the saying "You gotta be
shittin me" came from. It so
happens I know.
It originated through the Father
of our Country way back
when, George Washington was
crossing the Delaware River
with his troops. There
were 33 [remember this number] packed
into in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming
furiously. The water was
tossing them back and forth. Finally
Washington grabbed Corporal
Peters [remember this name] and
stationed him at the front of
the boat with a lantern. He
ordered him to keep swinging
it so they could see where they
were heading.
Corporal Peters stood up braving
the wind and driving rain,
swinging the lantern back and
forth. A while later a big
gust of wind hit and threw Corporal
Peters and his lantern
into the Delaware. Washington
and his troops searched for
hours trying to find Corporal
Peters but to no avail. All
of them felt terrible for the
Corporal had been one of
their favorites.
An hour later Washington and
his troops landed on the other
side, wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and
told them they must go on.
An hour later Washington and
his men could go no further.
They trudged towards the lights
and came upon a huge house
there in the woods.
What they didn't know was this
was a house of ill repute
hidden in the forest to serve
all who came.
General Washington pounded on
the door, his men crowding
around him. The door swung
open and the madam looked out
to see Washington and all his
men standing there. A huge
smile came across her face to
see so many men standing
there.
Washington spoke up, "Mam, I'm
General George Washington
and we're tired and exhausted
and desperately need warmth
and comfort for a while."
Again the Madam looked at all
the men standing there and
with a broad smile on her face
said, "Well General, you
have come to the right place.
We can surely give you
warmth and comfort. How many
men do you have?"
Washington said "Well mam, there
are thirty-two of us
without Peters."
Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me !"
\\\//
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Subj: Little
Old Lady At Store
From: RFSlick on 2/21/00
The Little Old Lady........
(___)
/' '\
/ /"\ \
\_/o o\_/
( _ )
'\ /'
/\\V//\
/ /_ _ \ \
\ \_ _ / /
\/ \/
|| ||
|| ||
||__ _||
|_____|
|||
/ Y \
A little old lady went to the
grocery store and
put the most expensive cat
food in her basket.
She then went to the check
out counter
where she told the check out
girl: "Nothing but
the best for my little kitten."
The girl at the cash register
said: "I'm sorry, but
we cannot sell you cat food
without proof that you
have a cat. A lot of
old people buy cat food to eat,
and the management wants proof
that
you are buying the cat food
for your cat."
The little old lady went home,
picked up her cat
and brought it back to the
store.
,----.... /\~~ /\
( ( o;o }
\ ) _ '~-~ \
\,,,/,,/ \,,,/,/
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went
to the store and bought
of the most expensive
dog cookies, one for each day
of Christmas. The cashier
this time demanded proof
that she now had a dog, claiming
that old people sometimes
eat dog food. Frustrated
she went home, came back
and brought in her dog.
__----___
/##| \
/###| | \___ O
|####|
\
|####|
|
\####/ _____/
\### /
=======
/ \
| |_ \
\___/ |
\ /
_| |_ |__
She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in
a box with a hole in the
lid. The little old lady
asked the cashier to stick
her finger in the hole.
The cashier said: "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured
her that there was nothing in
the box that would bite her.
So the cashier put her finger
into the box and pulled it
out and told the little old lady:
"That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned
from ear to ear:
"Now, my dear, can I
please buy three rolls of
toilet paper?"
Never fool around with a Little old lady:
(___)
/' '\
/ /"\ \
\_/o o\_/
( _ )
'\ /'
/\\V//\
/ /_ _\ \
\ \_ _/ /
\/ \/
|| ||
|| ||
||_ _ _||
|_____|
|||
/ Y \
\\\//
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Subj: Survival
Guide for Taking a Dump at Work (S148, S444b)
From: DVR on 12/03/1999
and
From: chicababe1978 on 7/23/2005
We've all been there but don't
like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles
and suddenly felt something a
brew down below.
As much as we try to convince
ourselves, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those
of you who hate pooping at work as
much as I do, I give you the.........
Survival Guide for
Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and
pooping at work will become
a pure pleasure.
CROP DUSTING
Definition: When farting, you
walk briskly around the
office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else
gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be
careful when you do this.
Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk
an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips
out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing poop in
a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic/embarrassment. This
is similar to the hot flash
you receive when passing an
unseen police car and speeding.
If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter
at the urinal, pretend that
you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee, it is uncom-
fortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction
with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a
machine guns pace. This
is usually a side effect of diar-
rhea or a hangover. If
this should happen do not panic,
remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom
so to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing
the toilet the instant the
nose cone of the poop log hits
the water and the poop is
whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the
amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being
caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the
stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up
the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you.
As with all farts, it is best
to pretend that the smell does
not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who
poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often
see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under their arm.
Always look around the office
for the Out of the Closet pooper
before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of
coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts
of OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom
used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors.
Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds
of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does
not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the
door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable
moments that occur when taking
a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until
the TURD BURGLAR leaves.
This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which
alerts all new entrants into
the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON or to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS.
Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap
that is used to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying
a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an
ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can
poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates
a loud splash when hitting
the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a WATERMELON coming
on, create a diversion.
See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of
diarrhea that creates a series of
loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by
an escapee. Try using
a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom
user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of
the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An UNCLE TED makes it
difficult to relax while on
the crapper, as you should
always wait to drop your load
when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as
the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting
out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in, check for
other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you
constantly going into the
bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has
seen more ass than a
Greyhound Bus. Tell tale
signs of a CRACK WHORE include
pubes, piss stains and shit
streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES
at all cost. Try finding
out when the janitor cleans each
particular bathroom. Don't
forget with a good cleaning, a
CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE
HAVEN.
\\\//
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Subj: Shitting
During Sex (S129b, S381)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #308 on 6/21/99
and
From: mrx on 5/17/2004
A couple has been dating for
three months, and the sex is
getting dull. One night
they're lying in bed when the girl
says, "Harry, want to try something
new? It's very kinky."
He says, "Sure."
She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."
He stands up, straddles her,
squats a bit, and takes a dump
on her chest. She says,
"Now lie in it on top of me and
screw me."
He lies on top of her, with the
shit oozing between them,
and she gives him the wildest
hump he's ever had.
The next time they're lying in
bed, it's boring and she
asks him to do it again.
He stands over her and grinds
out a huge turd onto her chest.
Then he lies on her, and
they have another incredible
lay.
As time goes on, Harry really
gets into it. He eats like
a horse on the days before their
dates, because it seems
the more he craps on her, the
better the sex is.
One Thursday night, he has the
runs, so on Friday morning
he eats a few cheese sandwiches
and downs a whole bottle
of Kaopectate before he goes
to work, so he won't wheedle
down his legs at the office.
That night, he goes to her
house, they go in the bedroom
and get undressed, she lies
on the bed, he stands over her,
and squats down, and grunts,
but nothing comes out.
He strains a bit, and grunts, and
then llbbt!...a little fart...but
nothing of any substance.
For a few minutes, he's pushing
and grunting, when suddenly
he hears her crying.
He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"
She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you?"
\\\//
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Subj: Fly
Eats Cow Manure
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
(Also see 'Fly Story' in Bugs-Etc)
There was a fly buzzing around
a barn one day when he
happened on a pile of fresh
cow manure. Due to the fact
that it had been hours since
his last meal, he flew down
and began to eat. He ate and
ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten
enough and tried to fly
away. He had eaten too
much though, and could not get
off the ground. As he
looked around wondering what to
do now, he spotted a pitchfork
leaning up against the wall.
He climbed to the top of the
handle and jumped off, thinking
that once he got airborne, he
would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, he was wrong
and dropped like a rock,
splatting when he hit the ground.
The moral to the story is: Never
fly off the handle when
you're full of shit.
\\\//
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Subj: Shit
Is A Powerful Word, A "George Carlin-esque"
essay: (S65, S561b)
From: RFSlick on 6/3/2003
and
From: SCOTCOB on 10/15/2007
(See 'FUCK! Our Most Versital
Word' in FUCK)
Shit is a powerful word. Just
think of all the concepts
and ideas you can communicate
with it. Shit may just be
the most powerful word in the
English language.
Consider: You can be shit faced,
be shit out of luck, or
have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get
your shit together, find a place
for your shit or decide
to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit,
sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, and tell
others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have
a shit fit or just shit
your life away. People
can be shit headed, shit brained,
shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit
while others can't tell the
difference between shit and
shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet
 |
shits. There is
bull shit, dog shit, cat shit,
bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit. You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, |
You can throw shit, sling shit,
catch shit, or duck when
the shit hits the fan. You can
take a shit, give a shit,
keep shit or serve shit on a
shingle. You can find yourself
in deep shit, or be happier
than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than
shit, and some days are just
plane shitty. There is funny
shit and sad shit, bad shit
and good shit. Some shit does-
n't stink while other things
really smell like shit.
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you
feel like shit. You can be
faster than shit or you can
be slower than shit. Sometimes
you'll find shit on a stick,
sometimes you'll find shit
everywhere, and then there are
times when you can't find
shit at all. You can have
too much shit, not enough shit,
the right shit, the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit..
You can carry shit in a bucket,
put shit in a barrel, have
a pile of shit, have a mountain
of shit, have a river of
shit, or find yourself up shit
creek without a paddle.
You can slice shit, spread shit,
dunk shit or jump shit,
and some people just can't cut
the shit.
There is fun shit and dull shit,
silly shit and serious
shit. Sometimes you really
need this shit and sometimes
you don't want any shit at all.
You can stir shit, kick
shit or stick your ass out the
window and shit on the
world. Sometimes everything
you touch turns to shit and
other times you swim in a lake
of shit and come out
smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider
all the facts, it's the
basic building block of creation.
This means the universe
did not begin with a BIG BANG
but rather with a BIG DUMP.
Keep that in mind the next time
you flush the toilet.
And remember, once you know
your shit, you don't need to
know anything else.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Official List Of Shit (S123)
From: RFSlick on 5/31/99
Ghost Shit: The kind where
you feel shit come out but there
is no shit in the toilet.
Clean Shit: The kind where
you shit it out, see it, but
there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Shit:
The kind where you wipe your butt at least 90
times and it feels unwiped so you have to put
some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you won't ruin your pants.
Second Wave Shit: It happens
when you're done shitting and
you've pulled your pants up to your knees and
you realize you have to shit some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Head Shit:
The kind where you strain so
much to get the shit out you practically have
a stroke.
Richard Simmons Shit:
You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Shit: The
kind of shit that is so huge that you
are afraid to flush the toilet without breaking
it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Shit: It's noisy;
everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Shit: The kind
of shit you have the morning after a
long night of drinking. It's most noticeable
trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the
toilet.
Corn Shit: Self-explanatory.
Gee I Wish I Could Shit Shit:
It's the kind where you want
to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet,
cramped, and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Shit: That's
where it hurts so bad coming out
you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Shit (The Power Dump):
The kind that comes out
of your rear end so fast, your cheeks get
splashed with water.
Liquid Shit: The kind
where yellowish-brown liquid shoots
out and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Food Shit: It
smells so bad the room must be condemned.
Upperclass Shit: The kind
that think their shit doesn't smell.
Fisherman's Bobber Shit:
That's the kind where you are in
a public restroom, there are two people waiting
on your stall; you shit and flush two times but
several golf ball size pieces are still floating
above the water line.
Ambush Shit: This kind never
occurs at home but usually at a
party or while playing golf. It is the result of
trying to fart just a little, but you end up with
trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for the
rest of the day.
Top
Subj: More
Official List Of Shit (S280)
From: dogbyte on 6/20/2002
LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit
that's so enormous you're afraid to
flush it down without
first breaking it up into little
pieces with the
toilet brush.
WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the
"Power Dump". That's the kind that
comes out of your
ass so fast that your butt cheeks
get splashed with
the toilet water.
CROWD PLEASER SHIT
This shit is so
intriguing in size and/or appearance
that you have to
show it to someone before flushing.
CRACK FLAPPER SHIT
This shit seems
to create its own weather system.
Your butt cheeks
feel like they're flapping in the
wind when this
shit comes out.
MOOD ENHANCER SHIT
This shit occurs
after a lengthy period of constipation,
thereby allowing
you to be your old self again.
"ON THE CLOCK" SHIT
This is any shit
that you take while you are punched in
at work.
Lunch hour and coffee break shits do not qualify.
"BEST NICKEL I EVER SPENT" SHIT
This is any shit
that you take in a "pay" bathroom.
Thankfully, there
aren't too many of these left. If
you're ever in
a Mexican border town, be sure to try one!
RITUAL SHIT
This shit occurs
at the same time each day and is
accomplished with
the aid of a newspaper.
GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy
it should be recorded for
future generations.
AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an
odor so powerful than anyone entering
the vicinity within
the next 7 hours is affected.
"HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit
created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A shit so huge
it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by
its floatability, this shit has been
known to resurface
after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses
to let go. It is usually necessary
to engage in a
rocking or bouncing motion, but quite
often the only
solution is to push it away with a small
piece of toilet
paper.
PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in
the toilet mysteriously and no one will
admit to putting
it there.
PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it,
now you don't. This shit is playing
games with you.
Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes
as a complete surprise at a time that
is either inappropriate
to shit (ie. during lovemaking
or a root canal)
or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit
which has managed to coil itself into
a frightening position
- usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs
exactly one hour prior to the start
of any competitive
event in which you are entered and
bears a close resemblance
to the Drinker's Shit.
BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be
of any variety but is always deposited
either in the woods
or while hiding behind the passenger
side of your car.
PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection
of small turds in a cluster,
often a gift from
God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced.
Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting
- can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a
"Still Going" shit.
THE ROCKET SHIT
The kind that comes
out so fast, you barely get your
pants down when
you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit
is so big it plugs up the toilet
and it overflows
all over the floor. (You should
have followed the
advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH
THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the
Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits.
The shape and size
of the turd resembles a tall boy
beer can.
Vacuous air space remains in the rectum
for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes
out like toothpaste, and just
keeps on coming.
You have two choices: (a) flush
and keep going,
or (b) risk it piling up to your
butt while you
sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD
BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of
Doritos you ate last night lacerates
the insides of
your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO
A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots
of cute, little round ones that look
like marbles and
make tiny splashing sounds when they
hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?"
SHIT
Also sometimes
referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of
course you don't
warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom
odour. Instead,
you stand innocently near the door
and enjoy the show
as they run out gaggin and gasping
for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD
STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just
sit there patiently and wait for the
last cling-on to
drop off because if you wipe now, it's
going to smear
all over the place.
THE "OSAMA BIN LADEN" SHIT
This one is a major
pain in the ass, but don't worry...
it's not as tough
as it claims to be.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: How
Shit Happens
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
In the beginning, there was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
The employees told their supervisors:
"It's a crock of shit and it stinks!"
The supervisors then told the department heads:
"It's a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor."
The
department heads then told the managers: "It's a container of
excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it."
The managers then told the director:
"It is a
vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."
The director then told the VP:
"It contains
that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
The VP told the Executive-VP:
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
The Executive-VP told the President:
"It is very strong and will
promote growth and efficiency of the system."
And the President reviewed the plan, and said:
"This is good."
And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Religious
View Of Shit
From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/29/97
(Also see 'Religious
Shit' in RELIGION1)
TAOISM:
Shit Happens
CONFUCIANISM:
Confuscious says,"Shit Happens"
BUDDHISM:
If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
ZEN:
What is the sound of shit happening?
HINDUISM:
This shit happened before
BONZAI BOZOISM:
Make shit happen.. OH SHIT!!
ISLAM:
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah
PROTESTANTISM:
Let shit happen to someone else.
CATHOLICISM:
If shit happens, you deserve it.
JUDAISM:
Why does this shit always happen to us?
ATHEISM:
I don't believe this shit.
AGNOSTICISM:
What is this shit?
SHINTOISM:
Everything except Japan is Shit.
EXISTENTIAL:
I shit, therefore I sit.
MINIMALIST:
Shit
VEGETARIAN:
Don't eat that shit!
DEJA VU:
I've been through this shit before.
LAO-TZU:
It is utterly pointless to try
to explain shit.
GERTRUDE STEIN:
A shit is a shit is a shit.
BUSH:
A thousand points of shit.
SOVIET UNION:
That shit just didn't work.
CASTRO:
We have to make this shit work somehow.
EASTERN ORTHODOX:
Rome doesn't know shit.
SEVENTH-DAY ADVENTIST:
Shit happens everyday but Saturday.
UNITARIAN:
Shit is all basically the same.
HOLISTIC:
There's more shit here than I figured on.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS:
Want to buy a subscription to our Shit?
CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST:
If Shit happens, don't worry. It will
go away on its own.
JAINISM:
When Shit happens don't step in it.
CALVINISM:
If you're not saved, tough Shit.
BORN AGAIN:
Shit happens but I am saved.
SCIENTOLOGY:
This Shit is expensive.
NEW AGE:
Crystal power counteracts Shit.
JESUITISM:
If Shit happens and no one hears it,
did it really make a sound?
HARE KRISHNA:
Shit happens, Rama, Rama.
SATANISM:
Shit rules!
STOICISM:
So Shit happens, Big deal.
I can take it.
HEDONISM:
When Shit happens, enjoy it!
RASTAFARIANISM:
Let's smoke this Shit.
CLINTONISM:
Just don't inhale that Shit.
NATIVE AMERICAN CHURCH: We want
our Shit back!
RLDS:
Brigham is full of Shit.
MORMONISM:
It's evil to say "Shit."
DEMOCRATISM:
How can we send a man to the moon
and still have all this shit?
REPUBLICANISM:
There's nothing like a good shit.
Flush the toilet.
FEMINISM:
Put the seat back down, you Shit.
SECULAR HUMANISM:
Shit evolves.
FUNDAMENTALISM:
Born-again shit.
EVANGELISM:
Shit happens. (Pass it on.)
EPISCOPALIAN:
Fecal matter occurs.
JIM JONESISM:
If shit happens, drink Kool-Aid.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Short
Shit Jokes
 |
Subj:
Political Promises (S515)
From: gordonschuk on 11/30/06 |
| Subj:
What Really Matters (S443)
..........From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/15/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Calvin Obeys Mom (S459b)
From: darrell94590 on 11/10/2005 |
| Subj:
Feeling Pooped (S456 in Kids3)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/14/2005 |
 |
To view this animated GIF you
can go to the source above,
or my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: The
Picture Ice Cold Out House (S384b)
From: DafterLafter on 05 April 2004
at http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200310/001.htm
 |
| Top
Subj: Little Johnny Uses The Word Definitely (S298) From: flovilla on 10/13/2002 |
 |
Little
Johnny
from Yahoo! Images |
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy,
but the sky can be gray,
black or orange."
A little boy says, "Trees are definitely green!"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, many trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of
the class stands up and
asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!"
"OK. Then I definitely shit my
pants."
Two male flies are buzzing around,
cruising for good looking
females. One spots a real
cutie sitting on a pile cow shit
and dives down toward her.
"Pardon me" he asks, turning on
his best charm, "but is this
stool taken?" (S510b)
What time is it when you have
three lawyers
buried up to their
necks in shit?
Time to get more shit.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/30/2001
(S239)
"Always look out for number
one, and be careful not
to step in number two."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/14/2003
(S328)
The answer to the question of
Life, the Universe, and
Everything is...Four day work
week, two ply toilet paper!"
-- Anonymous
Q: What's the difference between
humor and odor?
A: Humor is a shift of wit.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Shit hits the Fan from
Smiley_Central |