Subj: Fishing1 Jokes
(Includes 25 jokes and articles, 22667b)
Smoking Salmon
from
AGAG Animation Gallery
| >>>
Subj: Fishing1 Jokes (Includes 25 jokes and articles, 22667b) |
|
Smoking Salmon from AGAG Animation Gallery |
Also see ALLIGATOR
- 'Alligator Shoes'
ANIMALS,OTHER- 'Two
Whales And A Fishing Boat'
ASIAN file - 'Shrimp
For Japanese Water Plant'
BALLS file - 'Lobsters
In The Pants'
BANKING file - 'Banker
Goes Fishing'
ELDERLY1 file- 'Fred
And Edith Go For A Boat Ride'
FOOD ETC - 'Eating
Fish Heads'
FROG file - 'Freak
Accident After Frog Fishing'
GAMES file - 'Fishy...'
GAYS file - 'Gay
Marriage'
GENIE file - 'Minnesota
Fishing Genie'
HOSPITAL2 - 'Guessing
Baby's Weight'
HUNTING file - 'Duck
Hunter Wants Sex'
JOB-STUFF - 'Wanna
Buy A Fish Hook?'
KID2 file - 'Son
Asks Questions During Fishing'
......................-
'Grandfather
And Kid Go Fishing'
MANNERS file - 'Bass Fisherman
Writes Dear Abby'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Husband
Meets A Bum'
MARRIAGE4 - 'Woman's
Lover Is Husband's Best Friend'
MARRIAGE6 - 'The
Dangers of Divorcing A Cunning Wife'
MATH4C-SUPP2 - 'Puzzle - Fighting
Fishes Of Siam'
NATIONAL-STTS- 'Kansas
Tourism Council Bulletin:'
NATIVE-AMERIC- 'Edison Visits
An Indian Reservation'
POLICE2 file - 'Cop
Stops Lawyer With Fish'
......................-
'CHP
Ticket One Of Several Speeders'
PRIEST1 file - 'Priest,
Bishop And Evangelist Fish'
......................-
'Priest
Goes Fishing'
RIDDLE-SUPP - 'A
What Am I Riddle #33'
.........SHERLOCKHOLMS-
'Sherlock
Holmes Riddle'
SHIPS file - 'Elderly
Couple On A Cruse Ship'
TEAR JERJER1 - 'Awful-Looking
Old Man Knocks At The Door'
WORD JOKES2 - 'Man Looses
His Wallet While Fishing'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Fishing Tips - Movie (S458b)
From: darrell94590 on 11/2/2005 |
 |
This cute, WMV movie can be seen
on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Newfoundland
Night Fishing (S159, DU)
From: smiles on 02/15/2000
Off the coast of Newfoundland,
a great many fishermen do their
fishing at night. They
navigate solely by the light of the
moon, scorning more sophisticated
methods. Of course, from
time to time this method fails,
and shipwrecks are the result.
The Department of Fisheries was
reviewing statistics one day,
and was shocked to discover
how many shipwrecks there were
during night fishing.
When they discovered that the fishermen
were navigating by the light
of the moon, they promptly
installed buoys near all the
dangerous shoals and reefs to aid
night navigation. To their
surprise, when the statistics came
in the following month, the
shipwrecks had tripled! The buoys
were removed, and things returned
to normal. The moral of the
story...
You can't send a bouy to do a moon's job!
\\\//
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Subj: Fisherman
And His Two Sons (S130, DU)
From: RFSlick on 7/29/99
One day many years ago, a fisherman's
wife blessed her
husband with twin sons.
They loved the children very much,
but couldn't think of what to
name their children. Finally,
after several days, the fisherman
said, "Let's not decide on
names right now. If we
wait a little while, the names will
simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed,
the fisherman and his wife
noticed a peculiar fact.
When left alone, one of the boys
would also turn towards the
sea, while the other boy would
face inland. It didn't
matter which way the parents posi-
tioned the children, the same
child always faced the same
direction. "Let's call
the boys Towards and Away," sug-
gested the fisherman.
His wife agreed, and from that point
on, the boys were simply known
as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads
grew tall and strong. The day
came when the aging fisherman
said to his sons, "Boys, it is
time that learned how to make
a living from the sea." They
provisioned their ship, said
their goodbyes, and set sail for
a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly
for the fisherman's wife, yet
the ship had not returned.
Another three months passed, and
still no ship.
Three whole years passed before
the grieving woman saw a
lone man walking towards her
house. She recognized him as
her husband. "My goodness!
What has happened to my
darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to
tell his story: "We were just
barely one whole day out to
see when Towards hooked into a
great fish. Towards fought
long and hard, but the fish was
more than his equal. For
a whole week they wrestled upon
the waves without either of
them letting up. Yet eventually
the great fish started to win
the battle, and Towards was
pulled over the side of our
ship. He was swallowed whole,
and we never saw either of them
again."
"Oh dear, that must have been
terrible! What a huge fish
that must of been! What
a horrible fish. What a horrible
fish."
"Yes, it was, but you should
have seen the one that got
Away...."
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Incredible Fishing Movie (S608b)
From: rfslick on 9/2/2008 |
This fishing movie is amazing.
By the end of the
movie, you start to wonder if
the fish will sink the
boat. Click 'HERE'
to view this movie on my web site.
\\\//
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Subj: Mexican
Fisherman Meets MBA (S120, S459)
From: mbucher on 5/20/99
and
From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 11/8/2005
The American investment banker
was at the pier of a small
coastal Mexican village when
a small boat with just one
fisherman docked. Inside
the small boat were several
large yellow fin tuna.
The American complimented the
Mexican on the quality of his
fish and asked how long it
took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't
he stay out longer and
catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough
to support his family's
immediate needs.
The American then asked, "but
what do you do with the rest
of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I
sleep late, fish a little,
play with my children, take
siesta with my wife, Maria,
stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and
play guitar with my amigos,
I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a
Harvard MBA and could help
you. You should spend
more time fishing and with the
proceeds, buy a bigger boat
with the proceeds from the
bigger boat you could buy several
boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing
boats.
Instead of selling your catch
to a middleman you would
sell directly to the processor,
eventually opening your
own cannery. You would
control the product, processing
and distribution. You
would need to leave this small
coastal fishing village and
move to Mexico City, then
LA and eventually NYC where
you will run your expanding
enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked,
"But, how long will this
all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said
that's the best part.
"When the time is right you
would announce an IPO and
sell your company stock to the
public and become very
rich, you would make millions."
"Millions.. Then what?"
The American said, "Then you
would retire. Move to a
small coastal fishing village
where you would sleep late,
fish a little, play with your
kids, take siesta with your
wife, stroll to the village
in the evenings where you
could sip wine and play your
guitar with your amigos."
\\\//
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Subj: Couple's
Vacation At The Lake (S90, S628)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #243 on 98-10-11
and
From: woneye on 11/13/2003
A couple went on vacation to
a resort up north. The husband
liked to fish, and the wife
liked to read. One morning the
husband came back from fishing
after getting up real early
that morning and took a nap.
While he slept, the wife decided
to take the boat out. She was
not familiar with the lake,
so she rowed out and anchored the
boat, and started reading her
book.
Along comes the Game Warden in
his boat, pulls up alongside
the woman's boat and asks her
what she's doing? She says,
"Reading my book."
The Game Warden tells her she
is in a restricted fishing area
and she explains that she's
not fishing. To which he replied,
"But you have all this equipment.
For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have
to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to
charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all
the equipment. For all I know
you can start at any moment,"
says the woman.
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and the game warden left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman
who reads. It's likely she
can also think.
\\\//
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| Subj:
Fishing Boat and Plane Almost Collide
From: gordonschuk on 12/8/2008 (S623b) |
 |
Since this is obviously a commercially
made video,
it is not a near accident.
But it is well done and
cute. You can view it
at the above source, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Blind
Fishing Salesman (S80, S345b)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
(Also see 'Fishing Rod' in this file)
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to
buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She
doesn't know which one to get
so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter. A
Wal-Mart associate" is standing
there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir ...
can you tell me anything
about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm completely
blind, but if you'll drop
it on the counter I can tell
you everything you need to
know about it from the sound
it makes."
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare
graphite rod with
Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound
test line... It's a good all
around combination and it's
on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that
you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on
the counter; I'll take it."
The woman opens her purse and
sees her credit card holder
drop on the floor.
As she bends down to pick it
up she accidentally passes gas.
At first she is really embarrassed,
but then concludes there
is no way he could tell it was
she that farted. Being blind,
he wouldn't know that she was
the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused
by this and says, "Didn't you
tell me it was on special for
$20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
The clerk explains , "Yes Ma'am,
the rod and reel is $20.00;
but the duck call is $11.00
and the catfish bait is $3.50."
\\\//
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Subj: Fishing
Rod (S18, S566c)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 97-06-01
(Also see 'Blind Fishing Salesman'
in this file)
A lady goes into the local sporting
goods store to buy a
fishing rod to give to her husband
for his birthday.
A salesman wearing dark glasses
with a dog is behind the
counter and asks, "Can I help
you ma'am ?"
"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing
rod, can you tell me
about this one?" she answers.
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry
ma'am but I am blind
and can not see the rod your
referring too. However, if
you'll drop it on the counter
I'll tell you all about it
as I can tell from the sound
it makes."
The lady picks up the rod, and
does what he says and drops
it on the counter.
He belts "That's a Zebco 2500,
fiberglass, 6.5', medium
action - $15."
Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.
"Thats an Orion 35C, graphite,
6', light action - best
used with ultralight tackle
- $20."
Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.
As the man is ringing up the
sale, the lady makes a rather
large noise as she passes gas
but feels no need to
apologize as the salesman is
blind and has no idea who she is.
Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"
"That's right mam, $20 for the
rod, $3 for the duck call,
and $2 for the fish bait."
\\\//
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Subj: That's
A Big One (S404b)
From: JokesUncut on 9/29/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200408/037.htm
 |
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Subj: Fisherman
Takes Two Sons Fishing (S283)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 6/14/98
Moved to 'Fisherman
And His Two Sons' in this file
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Subj: Fishy
Story (S177, S514c)
..........From:
collins2 on 6/18/00
A man phones home from his office
and tells his wife: "Some-
thing has just come up.
I have a chance to go fishing for a
week. It's the opportunity
of a lifetime. We leave right
away. So pack my clothes,
my fishing equipment, and especially
my blue silk pajamas.
I'll be home in an hour to pick them
up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: "Did you have a good
trip, dear?"
He says: " Oh yes, the fishing
was great! But you forgot to pack
my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh,
no I didn't. I put them in your
tackle box!"
\\\//
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Subj: Twin
Brothers Each Have A Loss (S514b)
From jdsteves
Twin brothers were named Joe
and John Jones. The single
brother, Joe, was the disgruntled
owner of a dilapidated
old boat. It happened
that John's wife died the same week
that Joe's boat finally sank.
Shortly thereafter, the
kindly old widow Smith met Joe
on the street and mistaking
him for John, she said, "Oh
Mr. Jones, I am so sorry to
hear about your great loss.
You must feel terrible."
Joe responded saying, "Well,
I'm not the least bit sorry,
she was a rotten old thing from
the very beginning. Her
bottom was all shriveled up
and she smelt like a dead fish.
Hell, even the first time I
got into her she made water
faster than anything I had ever
seen. She had a bad crack
in the back and a pretty big
hole in the front. The hole
got bigger every time I used
her and she leaked like anything.
But do you know what finished
her off?
Four guys from the other side
of town were looking for a good
time. They asked if I
would rent her to them. I warned them
that she wasn't so hot, but
they said they would take a crack
at her anyway. The result
was that the crazy fools all tried
to to get into her at one time
and it was just too much for
her. She cracked right
down the middle!" Widow Smith fainted
dead away.
\\\//
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(S616c)
by John Graziano From: Comics.com on 10/30/2008 |
 |
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Subj: Game
Warden Catched Two Guys (S514)
A couple of young guys were fishing
at their special pond
off the beaten track when out
of the bushes jumped the game
warden! Immediately,
one of the boys threw his rod down
and started running through
the woods like a bat out of
hell and hot on his heels came
the game warden. After about
a half mile, the guy stopped
and stooped over with his hands
on his thighs to catch his breath
and the game warden finally
caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped.
With that, the guy pulled out
his wallet and gave the game
warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden.
"You must be about as
dumb as a box of rocks!
You don't have to run from me if
you have a valid license!"
"Yes sir," replied the young
feller. "But my friend back
there, well, he don't have one..."
\\\//
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Subj: Three
Fishermen Catch Mermaid (S65, DU)
From: From: Internet Joke Archive
and
From: RFSlick on 98-04-24
There's these three guys and
they're out having a relaxing
day fishing. Out of the
blue, they catch a mermaid who begs
to be set free in return for
granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't
believe it, and says: "Ok,
if you can really grant wishes,
than double my I.Q."
The mermaid says: "Done."
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting
Shakespeare flawlessly and
analysing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so
amazed he says to the mermaid:
"Triple my I.Q."
The mermaid says: "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all
the mathematical solutions to
problems that have been stumping
all the scientists of varying
fields: physics, chemistry,
etc.
The last guy is so enthralled
with the changes in his friends,
that he says to the mermaid:
"Quintiple my I.Q." The mermaid
looks at him and says: "You
know, I normally don't try to
change people's minds when they
make a wish, but I really wish
you'd reconsider."
The guy says: "Nope, I want you
to increase my I.Q. times five,
and if you don't do it, I won't
set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid "You
don't know what you're asking.
It'll change your entire view
on the universe. Won't you ask
for something else. A
million dollars, anything?" But no
matter what the mermaid said,
the guy insisted on having his
I.Q. increased by five times
it's usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done." And he became a woman.
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Blondie Comic Strip (S657b)
By Dennis Young and Denis Lebrun From: WashingtonPost.com on 8/8/2009 |
Click 'HERE'
to see this cute comic strip about Dagwood
going fishing.
\\\//
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Subj: Ice
Fishing (DU)
These two guys go ice fishing,
setup about 30 feet apart.
Neither one of them is catching
and anything, and this
other guy comes along.
He sets up right between the first
two, and starts catching fish.
A couple of hours go by, and
the first two guys haven't
caught a thing, and the third
guy has a pile of fish.
They go over and ask him, "Hey,
how do you catch so many
fish?!" to which he replies,
"Mmmmffmfmfm mfhhrrmmmf!".
The two guys look at each other,
and reply back to the
man, "What?!".
The guy spits out a mouthful
and says "You gotta keep
your bait warm!"
\\\//
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Subj: Drunk
Goes Ice Fishing (S185, S624)
From: TheBartend on 97-07-13 and 3/2/2004
and
From: KMACINTY on 08/14/2000
A drunk decides to go ice fishing,
so he gathers his gear
and goes walking around until
he finds a big patch of ice.
He heads into the center of
the ice and begins to saw a hole.
All of sudden, a loud booming
voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees
no one. He starts sawing
again. Once more, the
voice speaks.
"As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high
and low, but can't see a
single soul. He picks
up the saw and tries one more time to
finish. Before he can
even start cutting, the huge voice
interrupts.
"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and
somewhat scared, so he asks
the voice, "How do you know
there are no fish? Are you God
trying to warn me?"
"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink."
\\\//
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| Subj:
Why Men Fish (S522b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/16/2007 |
 |
You can view this cute cartoon
at the source above, or on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Fish
Eats Dog (DU)
The following appeared recently in the Globe ? Mail.
Forget about Dog Bites Man.
Relegate Man Bites Dog to the
back pages. Today, we
are dealing with Fish swallows dog,
an item which reaches us by
way of Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the
Pechora River to join its
master when it vanished, leaving
only a ripple. The dog's
master, who was fishing at the
time, hauled in his net and
found it contained a giant pike.
He looked closely at its
mouth and said to himself (probably)
"Thereby hangs a tail."
Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian
equivalent). The dog
struggled out after the fish
was cut open, and, according
to Radio Moscow, hurled itself
at the pike, "barking
excitedly."
It is often difficult for fishermen
to tell stories about
the one that got away.
In this case, Radio Moscow notwith-
standing, will it be any easier
to tell about the one that
didn't?
\\\//
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Subj: Talking
To Fish (DU)
by Bill Kennedy
This was published in The South
Texas Fisherman, sometime
1972.
A character in one of Shakespeare's
plays, boasting of his
accomplishments said, "I can
call up monsters from the vast
deep." Any fisherman could
have given the answer, "So can
I and so can any man, but will
they come?"
Men and women have been calling
to fish, pleading with them,
and swearing at them without
response since the beginning of
time. A federally supported
research project may change that
situation.
Working with the whale family
(porpoise or dolphin), scientists
in Florida have set out to translate
fish language. They are
not far along yet but have made
some headway. Various clicks
and whistles have been recorded
that indicate, at least in the
whale family, one fish has a
way to communicating what is on
his mind to another fish.
If the research continues as planned,
it should be only a matter of
time until man will be able to
reproduce fish noises and communicate
what is on his mind to
bass, perch, and catfish.
All right-minded fishermen agree
that fish-talk research
projects should be cancelled
and the scientists in it forced
to seek other employment.
The reasoning behind this point of
view is simple and sound.
If the research continues to its
logical conclusion, fishing
will cease to be the pleasant
and relaxing sport that it now
is. Fishing will become a
business of bellowing speeches
in fish language designed to
convince fish that they would
be better off on the bank or
in the boat than they are in
the water.
In such circumstances, any fool
knows who the men that will
catch all the fish will be.
They will be politicians!
\\\//
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Subj:
B.C. Comic Strip (S658)
By Johnny Hart (1931-2007) From: Comics.com on 8/23/2009 |
Click 'HERE' to read this cute comic strip.
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Subj: Wet
Dream (S38, DU)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
It was April the 41st, being
a quadruple leap year. I was
driving in down-town Atlantis.
My Barracuda was in the shop,
so I was in a rented Stingray,
and it was over-heating. So
I pulled into a Shell station.
They said I'd blown a seal.
I said, "Fix the damned thing,
and leave my private life out
of it, okay pal?"
While they were doing that, I
walked over to a place called
the Oyster Bar, a real dive.
I knew the owner. He used to
play for the Dolphins.
I said "Hi Gil!" You have to yell,
he's hard of herring.
Gil was also down on his luck.
Fact is, he was barely keeping
his head below water.
I bellied up to the sandbar. He poured
me the usual -- Rusty Snail,
hold the grunion, shaken, not
stirred. With a peanut
butter and jellyfish sandwich on the
side, heavy on the Mako.
I slipped him a fin on porpoise. I
was eeling good! I even
dropped a sand-dollar in the box for
Jerry's squids...for the Halibut.
Well, the place was crowded.
We were packed in like sardines.
They were all there to listen
to the Big Band sound of Tommy
Dorsal. What sole.
Tommy was rocking the place with a very
popular tuna... "Salmon-chanted
Evening."
The stage was surrounded by screaming
groupers, probably there
to see the bass player.
One of them was this cute little
yellow-tail, and she's giving
me the eye! I figure this
is my chance for a little fun... ya
know, a piece of Pisces.
She said things I just couldn't
fathom. She was too deep.
She seemed to be under a lot of
pressure. Boy, could she
drink. She drank like a...well, she
drank a lot. I said, "What's
your sign?" She said,
"Aquarium." I said "Great! Let's get tanked!!"
I invited her up to my place
for a little midnight bait. I
said, "Come on, baby, it'll
only take a few minnows." She
threw me that same old line
"Not tonight, I've got a haddock."
She wasn't kidding, either,
'cause in came the biggest, meanest
looking haddock I'd ever seen
come down the pike.
He was covered with mussels.
He came over to me and said,
"Listen, shrimp, don't ya come
trolling around here..." What
a crab! This guy was steamed.
I could see the anchor in his
eyes. I turned to him.
I said, "Abolone. You're just being
shellfish."
Well, I knew there was going
to be trouble, and so did Gil,
'cause he was already on the
phone to the Cods. The haddock
hits me with a sucker punch.
I catch him with a left hook.
He eels over. It was a
fluke. There he was, lying on the
deck, flat as a mackerel...kelpless.
I said, "Forget the Cods,
Gil. This guy's gonna
need a sturgeon."
Well, the yellow-tail was impressed
with the way I landed her
boyfriend. She came over
to me. She said, "Hey, big boy,
you're really a game fish.
What's your name?" I said, "Marlin."
Well, from then on we had a whale
of a time. I took her to
dinner. I took her to
dance. I bought her a bouquet of
flounders. I went home
with her. What did I get for my
trouble? A case of the
clams.
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| Subj:
Piglet's Fishing Trip (S667b)
by Disney From: Creators.com on 10/16/2009 |
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Click 'HERE' to see this cute comic strip.
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Smiley fishing from
Smiley_Central |