Subj: Fishing2 Jokes
(Includes 57 jokes and articles, 11804n,14,cf,md,8)
Bill Dance's Fishing Bloopers (S543b)
|Photo from Yahoo! Video|
Bill Dance is very funny when
things go wrong on his TV show.
You can view the results at the source above, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Pet Fish In Michigan (S524b)
From: darrell94590 on 1/29/2007
A Michigan man was stopped by
a game warden in East Michigan
recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water,
leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man,
"Do you have a license to
catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got
no license. These here are
my pet fish."
"Yep. Every night I take
these fish down to the river and
let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they
jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden
for a moment and then
said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game
warden turned to him and
"Well, what?" said the man.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
We in Michigan may not be as
smart as some, but we ain't
as dumb as most.
Hillbilly Fishing (S569b)
From: gordonschuk on 12/8/2007
Subj: Four Married Guys Go Fishing (S506b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/26/2006
Four married guys go fishing.
After an hour, the following
conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea
what I had to do to be able to
come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife
that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing,
I had to promise my wife that
I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have
it easy! I had to promise my
wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they
realized that the fourth
guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't
said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm
for 5:30 am. When it went
off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said,
"Fishing or Sex" ..and she said, "Wear sun-block."
Shark Surfing (S599c in Swimming)
From: ft.apache on 7/8/2008
(See 'Texas Ditch Surfing' in OTHER-SPORTS
This crazy surfer is a candidate
for a Darwin Award. You
can view his stupidity on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Redneck Fisherman Sees Snake (S294b, S662)
From: mjsl on 9/19/2002
and From: gattica30 on 9/17/2009
Boudreaux been fishin down by
de bayou all de day and he
done run outa night crawlers. He be bout redeye to leave
when he seed a snake wit a toad frog in hits mouth. He
knowed that dem big bass fish likes toad frogs so he dun
decided to steal that froggie. That snake, hit be a big
ol cottn mouthed water moccasin so'd he have to be real
carefull like or he'd git bit.
He snuk up behind dat snake and
grabbed him roun de haid.
That ole snake di'nt lik hit one bit. He commemced to
squirm'n an wrapped itself around Boudreaux's arm try'n
to get free, but Boudreaux, him had a real good grip on
his haid, yea. Well Boudreaux pried hit's mouth open and
got de frog and put's it in his bait can. Now Boudreaux
knows that he cain't let go of de snake or hit's goin' ta
bite him good, but he had a plan. He reached into de back
pocket of'n his bib over-hauls and pulls out a pint o'
He pours a couple of draps inta
de snakes mouth. Well that
snake's eyeballs roll back in hits head and hits body goes
limp. Wit dat Boudreau toss's duh snake inta da crick then
he goes back tuh fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel
sumptin tapp'n on his
barefoot toe. Well, he slowly look down and dare be dat ol
water mocassin, and he gat two toad frogs in his mouth.....
How Aliens Fish (S629b in Alien)
This Bud Light commercial is
cute. You can see it at
the above source, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Fisherman And The Rain (S280, S692b)
From: http://www.twistedhumor.com on 10/3/2000
and From: roybarron on 2/9/2006
(Also see 'Fanatic Golfer Has Bad Weather' in Golf3)
One man's hobby was fishing,
he spent all his weekends
near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, he got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into
the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded
to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow
mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50mph.
He pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
He went back into the house,
quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. Cuddling up to his wife's back. Now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there
She sleepily replied, "Can you
believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that shit "
Subj: Dreaming Of Fishing (S270)
From: www.TristedHumor.com on March 7, 2002
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
"I dreamed I was on vacation,"
one man said fondly. "It
was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful
lake. What a dream."
"I had a great dream too," said
the other. "I dreamed I
was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time
of my life."
His companion looked over and
exhorted, "You dreamed you
had two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did," said the other,
"but when I called, your
wife said you'd gone fishing."
Subj: Fishing Riddle (S266b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/9/2002
'First, the fish must be caught.'
That is easy: a baby, I think, could have caught it.
'Next, the fish must be bought.'
That is easy: a penny, I think, would have bought it.
'Now cook me the fish!'
That is easy, and will not take more than a minute.
'Let it lie in a dish!'
That is easy, because it already is in it.
'Bring it here! Let me sup!'
It is easy to set such a dish on the table.
'Take the dish-cover up!'
Ah, that is so hard that I fear I'm unable!
For it holds like glue-
Holds the lid to the dish, while it lies in the middle:
Which is easiest to do,
Un-dish-cover the fish, or dishcover the riddle?
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
A baby can pick it up from an oyster bed,
a penny would buy one in Carroll's day,
it cooks quickly, it lies in its own dish,
it is easily placed on the table,
but the "dish-cover" is hard to raise
because it is held to the dish by the oyster in the middle.
Subj: Sam Takes Game Warden Fishing (S186, S706)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/24/2000
and From: ArcaMax.com on 7/28/2010
A game warden noticed how a particular
fellow named Sam
consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the
other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would
come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer
was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden,
curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman
invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met
at the dock and took off in
Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam
stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was
Sam's approach was simple.
He took out a stick of dynamite,
lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the
lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to
surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction
of the game warden. When
he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at
Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You
will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down
and took out another stick
of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game
warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day
complaining, or are you going to fish?"
by John Graziano
From: Comics.com on 8/6/2009
Subj: Wife Dies While Scuba Diving (S162, S786)
From: darrell94590 on 6/19/2006
and From: allenbergman on 2/2/2012
(Also see 'Elderly Couple On A Cruse Ship' in SHIPS)
The day after a man lost his
wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at
this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we
have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have
some bad news, some good news and
some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens
said, "Give me the bad news
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry
to tell you sir, but this
morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens,
overcome by emotion. Then,
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's
the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When
we pulled her up she had
two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness
crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than
what's the great news?!", Mr.
The policeman said, "We're going
to pull her up again tomorrow
Subj: The Lobster Story (S160)
From: Angstmich on 02/11/2000
Humor, X]: For the Seafood Lover in You Kevin Williams
PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH
VERY CAREFULLY. THIS IS
ONE HA-HA WHERE YOU SHOULD TAKE THE RATING VERY SERIOUSLY.
What follows is the story of
Susan DeLucci, a New England woman
who had the inspired idea to masturbate with a live lobster,
only to die about two days later from subsequent "complications."
The recounting of Ms. DeLucci's foray into the world of best-
iality is VERY GRAPHIC, but like a gruesome traffic accident,
it was just something I couldn't tear my eyes away from. And I
have to confess that I personally found this tale absolutely
hysterical -- but remember, The Ha-Ha Man has a very high
threshold for tasteless humor, so take that for what it's worth.
I have tried to confirm the veracity of this story by doing a
Lexis-Nexis literature search, but I couldn't find any refer-
ences at all to ANY WOMAN ANYWHERE who died as described below,
so there's a very good chance that this story is just another
Internet hoax. (What scant little I know about marine biology
also makes me have some serious doubts about the plausibility
of all this.) If this story is made-up, then the author
deserves kudos for creativity. But if this is true, Ms. DeLucci
should be the hands-down winner for this year's Darwin Awards,
which celebrate those who've died in the most idiotic manner
So consider yourselves duly warned,
and feel free to hop off
this lobster boat now and swim safely to shore. Otherwise,
grab a bib -- 'cause you're gonna need it!
And away we go . . . . . .
SUSAN DELUCCI AND THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH
KITTERY, MAINE - One morning
around 5 AM, 22-year-old Susan
DeLucci of Kittery woke up with a painful need to urinate. At
first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out
of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain. It was very
similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong
orifice. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her
vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise any-
one has ever heard.
In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci
for the next few minutes con-
tinued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of
wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet,
white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and her neighbors
called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeLucci
unconscious, lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing
but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown
and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher,
so he grabbed her left leg (which was bent crossing her other
leg) to straighten her out. When he lifted her left leg to
straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina, at which point
a creature no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way
out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping
sound. Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was
lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was
a tiny mud shrimp, and it sat there on the cold floor gasping
for water while flipping itself back and forth.
The horrified medic turned to
the toilet as he felt the nausea
setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke
what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look
into a toilet without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl was
boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at
a furious pace. If you think that is bad -- wait until you
hear how it happened.
Ms. DeLucci's official death
was the result of a combination
of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet
in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock
and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.
It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the
accident, she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market.
While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail
into her vagina to derive pleasure. At that point, she held a
lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail
in a violent snapping motion. The lobster was found in the
kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms.
DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs
that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints.
The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used
in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon were
found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings.
Doctors believe that the lobster
had eaten them (they are
common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly
boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms.
DeLucci's vagina when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp
only take two days to gestate and since Ms. DeLucci was only
four days away from getting her period, doctors believe that
at that point in her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect
pH balance to grow these mud shrimp, which are a much larger
version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the
US. Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began
doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine the pain
she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to
well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.
Subj: Short Fishing Jokes
By Jim Unger
From: WashingtonPost.com on 6/2/2012
Subj: Watching Fishing And Porn Channels (S730)
From: hilary.miller05 on 1/12/2011
My lady and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote
and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel
and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed
and finally said "For God's sake, leave it on the porn
channel! You already know how to fish!"
McCoy Cartoon (S639c)
By Glenn McCoy
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/11/2009
Subj: Insurance Broker Goes Fishing (S655)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/20/2009
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean
fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One
morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott
discussed business on the phone.
Suddenly his rod bent double,
and the reel screamed as
line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the
situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly.
"I have a call on another line."
A Shark's Love (S583b)
Subj: Fisherman Goes To The Supermarket (S612b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/30/2008
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in
the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and
ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick
four large ones out
and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest you take the orange roughy."
"Because your wife came in earlier
today and said that
if you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy.
She prefers that for supper tonight."
Seagull's Revenge (S566b)
Subj: Fishing Mirror (S619c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/12/2008
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in
a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat
open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being
curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the
"That's my secret way to catch
fish," said the other
man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The
fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they
swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net
them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling
that mirror? I'll
give you $30 for it."
After the money was transferred,
the city fisherman
asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this
"You're the sixth," he said.
Ice Fishing Luxury (S536b)
Fart Fishing (S446b)
Sport Fishing (S445b)
Teach A Man To Fish (S445b)
Winnie The Pooh Comic Strip (S620c)
From: Creators.com on 11/28/2006
The oldest known goldfish lived
to 41 years of age.
Its name was Fred.
What is the only fish able to
blink with both eyes?
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
Why is the sea so rough? You'd
be too if you had crabs on
your bottom and clams in your bed! -- The Muppet's Movie
The catfish has over 27,000 taste
buds, that makes
the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
From: humorlist-digest V3 #1 on 99-01-01
Scene: A fish bowl
Dramatis Personae: Two goldfishes
"Is there God?"
"Of course there is. Who else changes
the water and drops food from the sky?"
Did you hear about the ice-fisherman
that went for the BIG
CATCH - a polar bear?! Yeah, he cut a hole in the ice,
carefully laid peas around the edge of the hole and waited.
When the bear came to take a pea, the fisherman kicked him
in the ice-hole.
Wanted: A good man who can clean
fish, cook, shop, sew, and
owns a boat and a motor. (Please send photo of boat and motor.)
Once heard from a rather liberal
Penises are like fish: the little ones, you throw back;
the big ones, you mount!
My wife says if I go fishing
one more time she's going to
leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
Fishermen are proud of their
Fishermen do it for reel.
To catch the fish, it's not how
you throw the bait,
but how you wiggle your worm.
"Three Men And A Baby" What you
get when four men go fishing
and one comes back not catching anything.
I think the only reason my husband
likes to go fishing so
much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him,
"Wow, that's a big one!"
A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
From LAWS file.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes
it a crime to make love
while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
In Baltimore it is illegal to mistreat oysters....
In Tennessee it is illegal to
use a lasso to catch a fish...
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A whale's penis is called a dork.
From: auntieg 98-05-09
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
From: RFSlick on 98-05-13 (S201)
and From: JCary on 12/2/2000
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
From: bawdymom on 99-01-15 (S115)
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
From: RFSlick on 9/16/2001 (S242)
Lobster was so common in 18th-century Maine that it
was used for fertilizer. In 19th-century Europe,
oysters were the luxury food of the day, and lobster
was considered a poor man's food.
From: LablaughsClean on 2/1/2007 (S525b)
"If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
there'd be a shortage of fishing poles". -- Doug Larson
From: RFSlick on 9/22/2007 (S557b)
Nothing in this world feels so good as your
ass sliding off the hook. Ask any trout.
Q. Why do you always take two
mormons when you go fishing?
A. If you take just one, he will drink all your beer.
Q: Did you hear about the girl
who went fishing with her
six male friends?
A: She came home with a red snapper.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
From: igiggle on 5/19/2003 (S329b)
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: A fsh
From: Law & Order TV Show on 2/11/04
(S368b - bird-chicken)
Q: Why did the fisherman cross the road?
A: Just for the halibut.
............................Smiley ice fishing from Smiley_Central.