>>> Subj:   Fishing2 Jokes              (Includes 55 jokes and articles, 17662a)

Fishing Story from Fortisgraphix

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Subj:     Bill Dance's Fishing Bloopers (S543b)           From: LABLaughsClean           on 6/7/2007

Photo from Yahoo! Video

 Source: http://www.arcadenerds.com/games/The-Dorkiest-Fisherman

 Bill Dance is very funny when things go wrong on his TV show.
 You can view the results at the source above, or on my web
 site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj:     Pet Fish In Michigan (S524b)
          From: darrell94590 on 1/29/2007

 A Michigan man was stopped by a game warden in East Michigan
 recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water,
 leaving a river well known for its fishing.

 The game warden asked the man,  "Do you have a license to
 catch those fish?"

 "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license.  These here are
 my pet fish."

 "Pet fish?"

 "Yep.  Every night I take these fish down to the river and
 let 'em swim' round for a while.  Then I whistle and they
 jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

 "That's a bunch of BS!  Fish can't do that!"

 The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then
 said, It's the truth.  I'll show you.  It really works."

 "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

 The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

 After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and
 said, "Well?"

 "Well, what?" said the man.

 "When are you going to call them back?"

 "Call who back?"

 "The FISH!"

 "What fish?"

 We in Michigan may not be as smart as some, but we ain't
 as dumb as most.

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Subj:     Hillbilly Fishing (S569b)           From: gordonschuk on 12/8/2007

 This 2,700 KB movie shows you a unique way to catch
 those very large catfish.  Click 'HERE' to view.

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Subj:     Four Married Guys Go Fishing (S506b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/26/2006

 Four married guys go fishing.  After an hour, the following
 conversation took place:

 First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to
 come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife
 that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

 Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that
 I will build her a new deck for the pool."

 Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my
 wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

 They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth
 guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't
 said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
 fishing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

 Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.  When it went
 off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said,
 "Fishing or Sex" ..and she said, "Wear sun-block."

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Subj:     Shark Surfing (S599c in Swimming)           From: ft.apache on 7/8/2008  (See 'Texas Ditch Surfing' in OTHER-SPORTS

 This crazy surfer is a candidate for a Darwin Award.  You
 can view his stupidity on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Redneck Fisherman Sees Snake (S294b, S662)
          From: mjsl on 9/19/2002
      and From: gattica30 on 9/17/2009

 Boudreaux been fishin down by de bayou all de day and he
 done run outa night crawlers.  He be bout redeye to leave
 when he seed a snake wit a toad frog in hits mouth.  He
 knowed that dem big bass fish likes toad frogs so he dun
 decided to steal that froggie.  That snake, hit be a big
 ol cottn mouthed water moccasin so'd he have to be real
 carefull like or he'd git bit.

 He snuk up behind dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid.
 That ole snake di'nt lik hit one bit.  He commemced to
 squirm'n an wrapped itself around Boudreaux's arm try'n
 to get free, but Boudreaux, him had a real good grip on
 his haid, yea.  Well Boudreaux pried hit's mouth open and
 got de frog and put's it in his bait can.  Now Boudreaux
 knows that he cain't let go of de snake or hit's goin' ta
 bite him good, but he had a plan.  He reached into de back
 pocket of'n his bib over-hauls and pulls out a pint o'
 moonshine likker.

 He pours a couple of draps inta de snakes mouth.  Well that
 snake's eyeballs roll back in hits head and hits body goes
 limp.  Wit dat Boudreau toss's duh snake inta da crick then
 he goes back tuh fish'n.

 A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumptin tapp'n on his
 barefoot toe.  Well, he slowly look down and dare be dat ol
 water mocassin, and he gat two toad frogs in his mouth.....

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Subj:     How Aliens Fish (S629b in Alien)           From: LABLaughsClean           on 1/26/2009

 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqAdnQtvsHs

 This Bud Light commercial is cute.  You can see it at
 the above source, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Fisherman And The Rain (S280)
          From: http://www.twistedhumor.com on 10/3/2000
      and From: roybarron on 2/9/2006
          (Also see 'Fanatic Golfer Has Bad Weather' in Golf3)

 One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends
 near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
 One Sunday, he got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
 quietly, made lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into
 the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded
 to back out into a torrential downpour.  There was snow
 mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50mph.

 He pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
 discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

 He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
 back into bed.  Cuddling up to his wife's back.  Now with a
 different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there
 is terrible."

 She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
 out fishing in that shit "

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Subj:     Dreaming Of Fishing (S270)
          From: www.TristedHumor.com on March 7, 2002

 Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

 "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It
 was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful
 lake. What a dream."

 "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I
 was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time
 of my life."

 His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you
 had two women, and you didn't call me?"

 "Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your
 wife said you'd gone fishing."

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Subj:     Fishing Riddle (S266b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/9/2002

 'First, the fish must be caught.'
 That is easy: a baby, I think, could have caught it.

 'Next, the fish must be bought.'
 That is easy: a penny, I think, would have bought it.

 'Now cook me the fish!'
 That is easy, and will not take more than a minute.

 'Let it lie in a dish!'
 That is easy, because it already is in it.

 'Bring it here! Let me sup!'
 It is easy to set such a dish on the table.

 'Take the dish-cover up!'
 Ah, that is so hard that I fear I'm unable!

 For it holds like glue-
 Holds the lid to the dish, while it lies in the middle:
 Which is easiest to do,
 Un-dish-cover the fish, or dishcover the riddle?

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Scroll down for the answer
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Here it comes
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ANSWER

An oyster.
A baby can pick it up from an oyster bed,
a penny would buy one in Carroll's day,
it cooks quickly, it lies in its own dish,
it is easily placed on the table,
but the "dish-cover" is hard to raise
because it is held to the dish by the oyster in the middle.

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Subj:     Sam Takes Game Warden Fishing (S186)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/24/2000

 A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam
 consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the
 other guys would only catch three or four a day.  Sam would
 come in off the lake with a boat full.  Stringer after stringer
 was always packed with freshly caught trout.  The warden,
 curious, asked Sam his secret.  The successful fisherman
 invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

 So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in
 Sam's boat.  When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam
 stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was
 done.

 Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite,
 lit it, and threw it in the air.  The explosion rocked the
 lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to
 surface.  Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

 Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden.  When
 he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at
 Sam.  "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy!  You
 will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

 Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
 of dynamite.  He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game
 warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day
 complaining, or are you going to fish?"

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(S657b)      by John Graziano      From: Comics.com on 8/6/2009

 Source: http://www.comics.com/comics/ripleys/index.html
 

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Subj:     Wife Dies While Scuba Diving (S162, S491)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #171 on 98-07-10
      and From: darrell94590 on 6/19/2006
          (Also see 'Elderly Couple On A Cruse Ship' in SHIPS)

 The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
 he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

 "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we
 have some information about your wife."

 "Well, tell me!" the man said.

 The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and
 some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

 Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
 first."

 So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this
 morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

 "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then,
 remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's
 the good news?"

 "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had
 two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness
 crabs on her."

 "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr.
 Wilkens demanded.

 The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
 morning."

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Subj:     The Lobster Story (S160)
          From: Angstmich on 02/11/2000

 Humor, X]:   For the Seafood Lover in You    Kevin Williams

 PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH VERY CAREFULLY. THIS IS
 ONE HA-HA WHERE  YOU SHOULD TAKE THE RATING VERY SERIOUSLY.

 What follows is the story of Susan DeLucci, a New England woman
 who had the inspired idea to masturbate with a live lobster,
 only to die about two days later from subsequent "complications."
 The recounting of Ms. DeLucci's foray into the world of best-
 iality is VERY GRAPHIC, but like a gruesome traffic accident,
 it was just something I couldn't tear my eyes away from. And I
 have to confess that I personally found this tale absolutely
 hysterical -- but remember, The Ha-Ha Man has a very high
 threshold for tasteless humor, so take that for what it's worth.
 I have tried to confirm the veracity of this story by doing a
 Lexis-Nexis literature search, but I couldn't find any refer-
 ences at all to ANY WOMAN ANYWHERE who died as described below,
 so there's a very good chance that this story is just another
 Internet hoax.  (What scant little I know about marine biology
 also makes me have some serious doubts about the plausibility
 of all this.)  If this story is made-up, then the author
 deserves kudos for creativity. But if this is true, Ms. DeLucci
 should be the hands-down winner for this year's Darwin Awards,
 which celebrate those who've died in the most idiotic manner
 imaginable.

 So consider yourselves duly warned, and feel free to hop off
 this lobster boat now and swim safely to shore.  Otherwise,
 grab a bib -- 'cause you're gonna need it!

 And away we go . . . . . .
 

 SUSAN DELUCCI AND THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH

 KITTERY, MAINE - One morning around 5 AM, 22-year-old Susan
 DeLucci of Kittery woke up with a painful need to urinate.  At
 first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out
 of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain.  It was very
 similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong
 orifice.  She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her
 vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise any-
 one has ever heard.

 In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes con-
 tinued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of
 wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet,
 white-knuckled.  She was screaming wildly, and her neighbors
 called the police.  When medics arrived they found Ms. DeLucci
 unconscious, lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing
 but her bath robe.  Running down her leg, was a stream of brown
 and green syrup.  The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher,
 so he grabbed her left leg (which was bent crossing her other
 leg) to straighten her out.  When he lifted her left leg to
 straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina, at which point
 a creature no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way
 out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping
 sound.  Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was
 lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous.  It was
 a tiny mud shrimp, and it sat there on the cold floor gasping
 for water while flipping itself back and forth.

 The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea
 setting in.  When he put his face down into the toilet to puke
 what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look
 into a toilet without convulsing.  The entire toilet bowl was
 boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at
 a furious pace.  If you think that is bad -- wait until you
 hear how it happened.

 Ms. DeLucci's official death was the result of a combination
 of shock and severe head trauma.  She stood up over the toilet
 in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock
 and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor.
 It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the
 accident, she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market.
 While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail
 into her vagina to derive pleasure.  At that point, she held a
 lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail
 in a violent snapping motion.  The lobster was found in the
 kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag.  Traces of Ms.
 DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs
 that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints.
 The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used
 in lighters.  The lobster's digestive track and colon were
 found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings.

 Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are
 common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly
 boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms.
 DeLucci's vagina when she was torturing it.  Maine mud shrimp
 only take two days to gestate and since Ms. DeLucci was only
 four days away from getting her period, doctors believe that
 at that point in her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect
 pH balance to grow these mud shrimp, which are a much larger
 version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the
 US. Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began
 doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine the pain
 she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to
 well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.

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Subj:     Short Fishing Jokes

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Subj:     McCoy Cartoon (S639c)           By Glenn McCoy           From: LABLaughsClean on 3/11/2009

 Source: http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22273.htm
 In this cartoon, Mickey and Pluto go fishing.
 Click 'HERE' to see this foolish joke.
 

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Subj:     Insurance Broker Goes Fishing (S655)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 7/20/2009
 My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean
 fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat.  One
 morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott
 discussed business on the phone.

 Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as
 line poured off the spool.  Scott was master of the
 situation.  "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly.
 "I have a call on another line."
 

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Subj:     A Shark's Love (S583b)           From: darrellvip           on 3/26/2008

 Read the true love story of a man and a seventeen foot
 great white shark.  Click 'HERE' to see this amazing
 PowerPoint Show.
 

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Subj:     Fisherman Goes To The Supermarket (S612b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 9/30/2008
 Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in
 the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
 On his  way home, he stopped at the supermarket and
 ordered four catfish.

 He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out
 and throw them at me, will you?"

 "Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

 "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

 "Okay, but I suggest you take the orange roughy."

 "Why's that?"

 "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that
 if you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy.
 She prefers that for supper tonight."
 

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Subj:     Seagull's Revenge (S566b)           From: LABLaughsAdult           on 11/26/2007

 Source: http://www.buffalosjokes.com/21249.htm
 You can view this cute, animated GIF at the source above,
 or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Fishing Mirror (S619c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 11/12/2008
 A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in
 a small boat.  He noticed another man in a small boat
 open his tackle box and take out a mirror.  Being
 curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the
 mirror for?"

 "That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other
 man.  "Shine the mirror on the top of the water.  The
 fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they
 swim to the surface.  Then I just reach down and net
 them and pull them into the boat."

 "Wow! Does that really work?"

 "You bet it does."

 "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll
 give you $30 for it."

 "Well, okay."

 After the money was transferred, the city fisherman
 asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this
 week?"

 "You're the sixth," he said.
 

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Subj:     Ice Fishing Luxury (S536b)           From: gordonschuk           on 4/25/2007

 You can view these ten pictures of ice fishing luxury
 on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Fart Fishing (S446b)           From: LABLaughsClean           on 4/04/2005

 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20041102
 You can view this animated GIF at the source above, or on
 my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Sport Fishing (S445b)           From: LABLaughsRiddles           on 7/28/2005

 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20040930
 You can view this animated GIF at the source above, or on
 my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Teach A Man To Fish (S445b)           From: LABLaughsAdult           on 7/27/2005

 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20040821
 You can view the picture at the source above, or on my web
 site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Winnie The Pooh Comic Strip (S620c)           by Disney           From: Creators.com on 11/28/2006

 Source: http://www.creators.com/today-comics.html
 In this strip Pooh and Piglet discuss fishing.
 Click 'HERE' to see this cartoon.
 

 The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age.
 Its name was Fred.

 What is the only fish able to blink with both eyes?
 A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

 Why is the sea so rough? You'd be too if you had crabs on
 your bottom and clams in your bed!  -- The Muppet's Movie

 The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes
    the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

 Starfishes haven't got brains.

From: humorlist-digest V3 #1 on 99-01-01
 Scene: A fish bowl
 Dramatis Personae: Two goldfishes
 Dialogue:
    "Is there God?"
    "Of course there is. Who else changes
     the water and drops food from the sky?"

 Did you hear about the ice-fisherman that went for the BIG
 CATCH - a polar bear?!  Yeah, he cut a hole in the ice,
 carefully laid peas around the edge of the hole and waited.
 When the bear came to take a pea, the fisherman kicked him
 in the ice-hole.
 

 Wanted: A good man who can clean fish, cook, shop, sew, and
 owns a boat and a motor. (Please send photo of boat and motor.)

 Once heard from a rather liberal female acquaintance:
 Penises are like fish: the little ones, you throw back;
 the big ones, you mount!

 My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to
 leave me.  Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

 Fishermen are proud of their rods.
 Fishermen do it for reel.

 To catch the fish, it's not how you throw the bait,
 but how you wiggle your worm.

 "Three Men And A Baby" What you get when four men go fishing
 and one comes back not catching anything.

 I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so
 much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him,
 "Wow, that's a big one!"

 A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet.

 Most lipstick contains fish scales.
 

 From LAWS file.

 A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love
 while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

 In Baltimore it is illegal to mistreat oysters....

 In Tennessee it is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish...
 

From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
 A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

 A whale's penis is called a dork.

From: auntieg 98-05-09
 A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

 The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

From: RFSlick on 98-05-13 (S201)
     and From: JCary on 12/2/2000
 Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

From: bawdymom on 99-01-15 (S115)
 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
 to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

From: RFSlick on 9/16/2001 (S242)
 Lobster was so common in 18th-century Maine that it
 was used for fertilizer.  In 19th-century Europe,
 oysters were the luxury food of the day, and lobster
 was considered a poor man's food.

From: LablaughsClean on 2/1/2007 (S525b)
 "If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
  there'd be a shortage of fishing poles".  -- Doug Larson

From: RFSlick on 9/22/2007 (S557b)
 Nothing in this world feels so good as your
 ass sliding off the hook.  Ask any trout.
 

 Q. Why do you always take two mormons when you go fishing?
 A. If you take just one, he will drink all your beer.

 Q: Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her
    six male friends?
 A: She came home with a red snapper.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23 (S610c)
 Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
 A: "Dam"

From: igiggle on 5/19/2003 (S329b)
 Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
 A: A fsh

From: Law & Order TV Show on 2/11/04 (S368b - bird-chicken)
 Q: Why did the fisherman cross the road?
 A: Just for the halibut.

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Smiley ice fishing from Smiley_Central

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