Subj: Football Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 72 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Football-Supp
Spinning Football from
Animation Factory
| >>>
Subj: Football Jokes (Gz) (Includes 72 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Football-Supp |
|
Spinning Football from Animation Factory |
Also see BEAR file
- 'Three Bears Go To Court'
BIRDS file - 'MIT
Student Feeds Birds'
BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde
Football'
CHURCH file - 'Church
Football'
.........COLLEGE1
file- 'Boy Beaten Up'
COWBOY file - 'Two
Texans, Two Nuns, And A football Game'
FART file - 'Fart
Football'
FUNERAL file - 'Football
Fan's Funeral'
Gay file - 'Football-Pool'
HELL file - 'Biker
Goes To Hell And Likes It'
OTHER_SPORTS - 'Romanian
Football Moat'
POLICE-SUPP - 'Police
Stop Old Lady w/Garbage Bags'
POLITICAL-SUP- 'NBA
OR NFL?'
PSYCHOLOGY - 'Three
Nuts At The Insane Asylum'
SCHOOL3 file - 'Teacher
Gets To Know Kids II'
THANKSGIVING - 'Thanksgiving
Football'
TRAIN file - 'Army-Navy
Football Train'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Peyton Manning For The United Way (S535)
From: drgolfmd on 4/21/2007 |
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Subj: Two
Different Generations Argue At Football Game (S437)
From: chicababe1978 on 6/12/2005
A college student at a recent
USC football game challenged a
senior citizen sitting next
to him, saying it was impossible
for their generation to understand
his. "You grew up in a
different world," the
student said, loud enough for the whole
crowd to hear, "Today we have
television, jet planes, space
travel, man has walked on the
Moon, our spaceships have visited
Mars, we even have nuclear energy,
electric and hydrogen cars,
computers with light-speed processing
. . etc . .etc . "
Taking advantage of a pause in
the student's litany, the geezer
said, "You're right. We
didn't have those things when we were
young, so we invented them,
you little twit! What the hell are
you doing for the next
generation??"
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Subj: A 49er
Fan (S353, S570b)
From: niner282003 on 11/5/2003
An elementary teacher starts
a new job at a school in San
Diego and trying to make a good
impression on her first
day, explains to her class that
she's a Chargers fan.
She asks the class to raise
their hands if they too are
Charger fans.
Everyone in the class raises
their hand except one little
girl. The teacher looks
at the girl with surprise and
says: "Jessica, why didn't you
raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked:
"Well, if you're not
a Chargers fan, then who do
you support?"
"I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Jessica replied.
The teacher could not believe
her ears. "Jessica, why
are you a 49ers fan?"
"Because my Mom and Dad are from
the bay area and my Mom
is a 49ers fan and my dad is
a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers
fan too."
"Well, said the teacher, in an
obviously annoyed tone,
that's no reason for you to
be a 49ers fan. You don't
have to be just like your parents
all of the time. What
if your Mom was a prostitute
and your Dad was a drug
addict and a car thief, what
would you be then?"
Jessica said, "I'd be a Raider fan."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Stock Boy Falls In Love (S266b)
From: RFSlick on 3/7/2002
This true story ..........
In a supermarket, Kurtis the
stock boy, was busily working
when a new voice came over the
loudspeaker asking for a
carry out at check register
4. Kurtis was almost finished,
and wanted to get some fresh
air, and decided to answer
the call. As he approached
the check-out stand a distance
smile caught his eye, the new
check out girl was beautiful.
She was an older woman (maybe
26, and he was only 22) and
he fell in love.
Later that day, after his shift
was over, he waited by the
punch clock to find out her
name. She came into the break
room smile softly at him and
took her card and punched out,
then left. He looked at
her card, BRENDA. He walked out
only to see her start walking
up the road.
Next day, he waited outside as
she left the supermarket,
and offered her a ride home.
He looked harmless enough,
and she accepted. When
he dropped her off, he asked if
maybe he could see her again,
outside of work. She simply
said it wasn't possible. He
pressed and she explained she
had two children and she couldn't
afford a baby-sitter, so
he offered to pay for the baby-sitter.
Reluctantly she
accepted his offer for a date
for the following Saturday.
That Saturday night he arrived
at her door only to have
her tell him that she was unable
to go with him. The
baby-sitter had called and canceled.
To which Kurtis
simply said, "Well, lets take
the kids with us."
She tried to explain that taking
the children was not an
option, but again not taking
no for an answer, he pressed.
Finally Brenda, brought him
inside to meet her children.
She had an older daughter who
was just cute as a bug,
Kurtis thought. Next Brenda
brought out her son, in a
wheelchair, he was born a paraplegic
with down syndrome.
Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still
don't understand why the
kids can't come with us?"
Brenda was amazed. Most
men would run away from a woman
with two kids, especially if
one had disabilities. Just
like her first husband and father
of her children did.
That evening Kurtis and Brenda
loaded up the kids, went
to dinner and the movies.
When her son needed anything
Kurtis would take care of him.
When he needed to use the
rest room, he picked him up
out of his chair, took him,
brought him back. The
kids loved Kurtis. At the end of
the evening, Brenda knew this
was the man she was going
to marry and spend the rest
of her life with.
A year later, they were married
and Kurtis adopted both
of her children and since they
have added two more kids.
So what happened to the stock
boy and check out girl?
Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner,
now live in St. Louis, where
he is employed by the St. Louis
Rams and plays quarterback.
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Subj: Football
Player Takes Math Test (S236)
From: Jester on 8/7/01
A football coach walked into
the locker room before a game,
looked over to his star player
and said, "I'm not supposed
to let you play since you failed
math, but we need you in
there. So, what I have
to do is ask you a math question,
and if you get it right, you
can play."
The player agreed, so coach looked
into his eyes intently
and asked, "Okay, now concentrate
hard and tell me the
answer to this. What is two
plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed,
excited that he had
got it right.
Suddenly all the other players
on the team began screaming...,
"Come on coach, give him another
chance!"
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Subj: Man
w/Dachshund Goes To A Bar(S161)
From: RFSlick on 2/29/00
A guy walks into a bar with a
dachshund under his arm. The
dog is wearing a Cincinnati
Bengals jersey and helmet, and
is festooned with Bengal pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey!
No pets are allowed! You'll have
to leave."
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm
desperate! We're both big
fans, the TV's broken at home,
and this is the only place
around where we can see the
game."
After securing a promise that
the dog will behave, and
warning him that he and the
dog will be thrown out if there's
any trouble, the bartender relents
and allows them to stay in
the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the
Bengals receiving the kickoff.
They march down field, get stopped
at the 30, and kick a
field goal. Suddenly,
the dog jumps up on the bar and begins
walking up and down the bar
giving high-fives to
everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that
is the most amazing thing
I've seen! What does the
dog do if they score a touchdown?"
The owner replies, "I don't know,
I've only had him for three
years."
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Subj: Two
Football Players Take Final Exam (S153)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/05/2000
Two football players were taking
an important final exam.
If they failed, they would be
on academic probation and not
allowed to play in the big game
the following week. The
exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old
MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He
had no idea what to answer. But he
knew he needed to get this one
right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't
watching, he tapped Tiny
on the shoulder. "Pssst.
Tiny. What's the answer to the
last question?" Tiny laughed.
He looked around to make
sure the professor hadn't noticed
then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone
knows Old MacDonald had
a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba.
"I remember now." He picked up his
No. 2 pencil and started to
write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Tapping Tiny's
shoulder again, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba.
That's so easy. Farm is
spelled - E-I-E-I-O."
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Subj: 1999
Revised Bronco Schedule (S142)
From: RFSlick on 10/19/1999
Go Broncos!
DENVER BRONCOS FOOTBALL
SCHEDULE (REVISED FOR 1999)
September 6
Miami Dolphins
September 12
Kansas City Chiefs
September 19
University of Northern Colorado
September 26
Rampart High School
October 3
Bye (The NFL's cure to losing streaks)
October 10
Colorado Rockies Wives Club
October 17
Englewood Girl Scouts Troop 77
October 24
Colorado Blind Academy
October 31
Eastern Colorado Korean War Veterans
November 7
Arvada Cripple Children's Home
November 14
Saint Francis Home for Wayward Girls
November 21
Littleton Pee Wee League All Stars
November 28
Focus on the Family Boys Choir
December 5
Castle Rock Cub Scout Pack 101
December 12
Denver University Marching Band
December 18
Westminster Senior Citizens Home
December 26
Fitzsimmons Medical Center Polio Patients
RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR
* When playing Polio Patients,
Broncos are not allowed to
disconnect leg braces.
* When playing Girl Scouts,
Broncos are not allowed to eat
their cookies.
* When playing Blind Academy,
Broncos are not allowed to
hide the football.
* When playing Korean War amputees,
Broncos are not allowed
to protest about players
with one leg being able to run
faster than most Broncos.
RULES THE SAME AS LAST YEAR
* A "touchdown pass" is when
Griese throws a pass to another
Bronco, not to the opposing
team.
* A "field goal" is when a player
kicks the ball through the
uprights (for all Broncos
fans who have never seen one)
and still counts 3 points.
* The Broncos will be allowed
18 players on the field at all
times when on defense.
* The Broncos will be allowed
to substitute beer vendors for
players at any time.
* The Broncos will be awarded
an extra five yards for each
play the offense doesn't
screw up.
NAME CHANGE
The Denver Broncos will have
their name changed to the Denver
Tampons, as they are only good
for a short period and don't
have a second string.
COACHING CHANGE
If Pat Bowlen is looking for
a replacement for Mike Shanahan,
he should consider Linda Lovelace.
She will no doubt blow a
few, but she won't choke on
the big ones.
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Subj: NFL
Quarterback Blocks A Tackle
from A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen
From: Tom_Adams on 98-09-23
For those of you, gentle readers,
that haven't read any of
the Chicken Soup for the Soul
series of books, you have
missed a lot. Here is
a selection I hope you enjoy.
Recognize Your Winners
Fran Tarkenton, former Minnesota Vikings quarterback,
once called a play that required
him to block onrushing
tacklers.
NFL quarterbacks almost never block. They're usually
vastly outweighed by defenders,
so blocking exposes them
to the risk of severe injury.
But the team was behind, and a surprise play was
needed. Tarkenton went in to
block, and the runner scored
a touchdown. The Vikings won
the game.
Watching the game films with the team the next day,
Tarkenton expected a big pat
on the back for what he'd
done.
It never came.
After the meeting, Tarkenton approached coach Bud
Grant and asked, "You saw my
block, didn't you, Coach?
How come you didn't say anything
about it?"
Grant replied, "Sure, I saw the block. It was great.
But you're always working hard
out there, Fran. I figured
I didn't have to tell you."
"Well," Tarkenton replied, "if you ever want me to
block again, you do!"
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Subj: Sex
Change Girl Knows Football (S86)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
A group of guys and one girl
are sitting together at a ball
game. During the game
the guys notice the girl knew just
as much about the game as themselves,
and are really
impressed. After the game
they ask her, "How is it that
you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
"What was the most painful part
of the process?
Was it when they cut IT
off?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your balls?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most
was when they cut my salary in
half!"
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Subj: Al Davis
Finds A Quarterback (S11, S466b)
From: DR SWITZER on 97-04-10
and
From: flovilla on 12/23/2005
Al Davis had put together the
perfect Raiders team for '96.
The only thing he was missing
was a good quarterback. He
had scouted all the colleges,
and even the high schools,
and he couldn't find a quarterback
that would ensure a
Super Bowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN,
he saw a war zone in Bosnia.
In the background, out of the
corner of his eye, he spotted
a young Bosnian soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He
threw a hand grenade straight
into a 15th story window 200
yards away -- ka-boom! He threw
another hand grenade into a
group of about 10 soldiers a
good 110 yards away--ka-blooey!
A car passes going 90 miles
an hour--bulls-eye! Right into
the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al
says to himself, "he has the
perfect arm!" So he brings
him to the states and teaches
him the great game of football.
Predictably, the young man breaks
all the NFL records for
completed passes, and the Raiders
go on to win the Super
Bowl. The young Bosnian
is lionized as the Great Hero of
Super Bowl XXXII, and when Al
asks him what he wants, all
the young man wants to do is
to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into
the receiver, "I just won
the Super Bowl."
"I don't want to talk to you,"
the old woman says. "You
deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand,
mother" the young man pleads.
"I just won the greatest sporting
event in the world. I'm in
the middle of thousands of adoring
fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother
implores. "At this very
moment, there are gun shots
all around us. The neighbor-
hood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten to
within an inch of their lives
last week, and this week your
sister was raped in broad daylight...."
The old lady pauses, in tears.
"I'll never forgive you for
moving us to Oakland."
\\\//
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Subj: Reading
An Anouncement Badly
This was told to me about the Swazi Sun Hotel
Whilst the guests gathered around
in the hotel lounge waiting
for the "big screen" television
to be switched on, a group of
nervous trainee managers fidgeted
and fussed, preparing the
room for the comfort of those
who were going to watch the big
game on TV. One of them
stepped forward hesitantly and,
reading from a scrap of paper,
announced to the room:
"The fuck up will start in 5 minutes".
After a moment's shocked silence,
the hotel manager himself
rushed to the front of the room
and, blushing, said:
"Our apologies for that last
announcement which should have
been that the FAC up will start
in 5 minutes."
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Subj: Football
Buddies (S400b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/19/2004
Source: www.ezines4all.com/at200407/035.htm
 |
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Subj: Animal
Football
The animals were bored.
Finally, the lion had an idea. "I
know a really exciting game
that the humans play called
football. I've seen it
on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to
the rest of the animals and
they all got excited about it
so they decided to play.
They went out to the field and
chose up teams and were
ready to begin.
The lion's team received.
They were able to get two first
downs and then had to punt.
The mule punted and the rhino
was back deep for the kick.
He caught the ball, lowered
his head and charged.
First, he crushed a roadrunner, then
two rabbits. He gored
a wildebeast, knocked over two
cows, and broke through to daylight,
scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a
placekicker, and the score
remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's
team scored a touchdown
and the mule kicked the extra
point. The lion's team led
at halftime 7 - 6.
In the locker room, the lion
gave a peptalk. "Look you
guys. We can win this
game. We've got the lead and they
only have one real threat.
We've got to keep the ball
away from the rhino, he's a
killer. Mule, when you kick
off be sure to keep it away
from the rhino."
The second half began.
Just as the mule was about to kick
off, the rhino's team changed
formation and the ball went
directly to the rhino.
Once again, the rhino lowered his
head and was off running.
First, he stomped two gazelles.
He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed
an elephant out of the
way. It looked like he
was home free. Suddenly at the
twenty yard line, he dropped
over dead. There were no
other animals in sight anywhere
near him. The lion went
over to see what had happened.
Right next to the dead
rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where the
hell were you during the
first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
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Subj: Bubba
Catches The Baby
The star wide receiver for the
Texas A&M Aggies football
team, Bubba, was walking down
the street one day when he
came across a fire in a four-story
building. On the fourth
floor, a woman was yelling out
the window, "Save my baby!
Save my baby!"
The gathering crowd had no idea
of what to do until Bubba
got a great idea, so he shouted,
"Ma'am, just throw the baby
down to me and I will catch
it. I am the star wide receiver
for the Aggies."
At first, the woman was not convinced,
but the approaching
flames eventually changed her
mind. So, she closed her eyes
after Bubba was ready and flung
the baby out of the window.
It happened to be a bit of a
windy day, so Bubba had trouble
judging the baby's trajectory.
He had to run a bit left,
then a bit right, then left
again. At the last moment, a
gust of wind caused the baby
to go back to the right. Bubba
stretched his arms out, jumped,
and made a spectacular diving
catch to the roar of the crowd.
Bubba then jumped back up, held
the baby in the air while
yelling and doing a celebratory
dance. After that, Bubba
went ahead and spiked the baby.
\\\//
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Subj: Female
Playing Football
In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md.,
high school permitted a female
student, Tawana Hammond, 17,
to try out for its football
team under the pressure of a
federal statute that bars school
discrimination on the basis
of gender. On her first scrimmage,
Tawana, a running back, was
tackled and suffered massive
internal injuries. In
October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million
lawsuit against the county board
of education for its alleged
failure to tell her how dangerous
football is.
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Subj: The
Best/Worst Football Score
Georgia Tech: 222 to Cumberland Gap: 0
GT played everybody they had,
anyone in uniform, and maybe
the waterboys and cheerleaders
(I forget). CG immediately
and permanently disbanded its
football team. Personally,
I have always suspected that
the Falcons were comprised
primarily of old CG men.
[A whole book has been written
on this game, and it is
quite amusing. I don't
remember the title, but I remember
seeing the book. -spaf]
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Subj: Super
Bowl Seats (S21, S364)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-24
and
From: Imogenelumen on 1/23/2004
(Also see 'Golf Match During
Funeral' in GOLF1)
A guy named Bob receives a free
ticket to the Super Bowl
from his company. Unfortunately,
when Bob arrives at the
stadium he realizes the seat
is in the last row in the
corner of the stadium -- he
is closer to the Goodyear
Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob notices an
empty seat 10 rows off the field
right on the 50 yard line.
He decides to take a chance
and makes his way through the
stadium and around the security
guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the
gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting
here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such
a great seat for the game,
Bob again inquires of the man
next to him, "This is
incredible! Who in their
right mind would have a seat like
this at the Super Bowl and not
use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually,
the seat belongs to me, I
was supposed to come with my
wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super Bowl
we haven't been together at
since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says
Bob, "but still, couldn't
you find someone to take the
seat? A relative or close
friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
\\\//
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Subj: South
Park-isms
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #205 on 97-10-26
A short string of South Park-isms,
from the South Park
football game announcer:
"Wow, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King!"
After Pip the English boy gets
creamed:
"I haven't seen an Englishman
take a blow like that since
Hugh Grant!"
Finally, when Kyle gets the ball
and runs for the end zone:
"I haven't seen a jew run like
that since Poland 1939!"
Also, as a state motto that Vince
couldn't run on Humournet:
"Virginia: How can a state where
blowjobs are a felony be
for lovers?"
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Subj: College
Entrance Exam (Football Player Version)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
Pick 3 to answer.
1. What language is spoken
in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the
ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and
social conditions
-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare
to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion.
How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the
big hand is on the 12
and the little
hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was
Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's
far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and
Clinton
10. Six kings of England have
been called George, the last one
being George
the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's
Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used
for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner
is the National Anthem for
what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle
of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in
a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces
the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If
you have three apples how many apples
do you have?
19. What does NBC (National
Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The U.C.B. tradition for
efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting
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Subj: Barry
Switzer Visits Mariucci (S47)
From: RFSlick on 97-12-17
Barry Switzer, clearly upset
about the Dallas Cowboy's
losing record, decides to find
out from Steve Mariucci
what his secret is. So,
Switzer travels up to a 49er
practice and asks Mariucci,
"Coach, how is it that your
team is so good? What's
your secret?"
Mariucci responds by calling
Steve Young over. "Steve,
who's your father's brother's
nephew?" Young answers,
"Why coach, that's easy.
It's me."
Mariucci turns to Switzer and
says, "That's the secret,
Barry. A smart quarterback.
You've got to have a smart
quarterback."
Thinking he's finally got all
the tools he needs, Switzer
returns to Texas and the Cowboy
work-out. He promptly
calls over Troy Aikman.
"Aikman! Who's your father's
brother's nephew?" Troy
looks perplexed, thinks a minute
and says, "Coach, can I
get back to you after practice
on that one?"
Switzer (disgusted) says, "OK."
During practice, Aikman calls
over Deion Sanders. "Deion,
coach just asked me the weirdest
question. Who's your
father's brother's nephew?"
Sanders: "Duh! That's easy.
It's me!" After practice,
Aikman catches up with Switzer:
"Coach, I think I've got
it. My father's brother's
nephew is Deion Sanders.
"Switzer (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Steve Young!!!"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Football Jokes
| Subj:
The Sensitive Man (S451b)
From: darrell94590 on 9/9/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Watching
Football w/Grandson (S436)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/1/2005
MY HUSBAND, a big-time sports
fan, was watching a football
game with our grandchildren.
He had just a turned 75 and
was feeling a little wistful.
"You Know" he said to our grandson,
Nick, "it's not easy
getting old."
"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick
said cheerily. "Maybe
you'll go into overtime"
Top
Subj: Football
95 Years Ago (S395b)
From: igiggle on 8/18/2004
If you think football is rough
now, ninety-five years ago
it was played without helmets.
Punching, kicking, and
gouging were legal moves.
During the 1905 college season,
eighteen players were killed
on the field.
Top
Subj: Blocked
Kick (S373b)
From: gheckman on 3/22/2004
 |
Top
Subj: After
The Super Bowl (S367b)
From: DoctorDebt on 2/11/2004
Immediately following the Super
Bowl, George W Bush called
the Patriots and complimented
them on a great game.
Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.
Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.
Click 'Here' for why.
Top
Subj: Campbell's
Soup And The NFL (S358)
From: agrief on 12/9/2003
Here is an easy way to make
a difference this holiday season.
Campbell's is donating a can
of soup to the needy for every
person that goes to their site
<http://www.chunky.com/click_for_cans.asp>
and votes for their favorite
NFL team.
Please forward this message
along. Thanks.
Their Tackling Hunger(tm) campaign
is supposed to result in
donations up to 5 million cans
on behalf of NFL teams. When
I clicked earlier, it was at
3,173,156. So go click!
I checked with Snopes.com and
this program is for real.
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/charity/campbells.asp
Top
Subj: Blonde
At A Football Game (S293b)
From: coreymac on 9/11/2002
A guy took his blonde girlfriend
to a football game for
the first time. After
the game he asked his girlfriend
how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she
said, "but I just couldn't understand
why they were
killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???"
"Well I saw them flip a coin
and one team got it and then
for the rest of the game all
they kept screaming was: Get
the quarter back! Get
the quarter back!"
Top
Subj: New
England Patriots & Mountain Oysters (S261b)
From: KMACINTY on 1/31/2002
New England Patriots guard Grey
Ruegamer used to castrate
sheep and bulls on a Montana
farm. According to a
published report, he did it
using an old Basque method of
cutting off the testicles with
his teeth:
"You cook them up with some garlic
and a little oil."
Ruegamer said. "It's like
a chicken wing." When asked if
there was anything he wouldn't
eat, he said: "Seafood. It
creeps me out."
Top
Subj: Minnesota
Vikings Cancel Practice (S250)
From: jerry on 11/15/2001
Bonehead award one goes to the
Minnesota Vikings football
team who canceled a practice
session and had the National
Guard and the FBI called in
when one of the players noticed
a white powdery substance on
the field, which turned out to
be the goal line.
Daily Pantagraph, Bloomington-Normal,
Illinois
Top
Subj: NFL
Announcement (S158)
From: RFSlick on 01/19/2000
The NFL announced today in a
press conference that one team
from the league needed to be
eliminated. What officials have
decided to do is combine the
Green Bay Packers and the Tampa
Bay Buckaneers and form one
team therefor saving jobs. They
will be known as the TAMPACKS....
They are good for only one
period and have no second string.
(Its a groaner)
Top
Subj: Great
Athletic Quotes (S114)
From: RFSlick on 3/14/99
"Nobody in football should be
called a genius.
A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
Football commentator and former
player Joe Theismann 1996
"I'm going to graduate on time,
no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State
football coach: "You guys line
up alphabetically by height."
and "You guys pair up in groups of
three, then line up in a circle."
1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida
football coach, telling Gator fans
that a fire at Auburn's football
dorm had destroyed 20 books:
"But the real tragedy was that
15 hadn't been colored yet."
1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans
Saints G.M., when asked after
a loss what he thought of the
refs: "I'm not allowed to
comment on lousy officiating."
The Houston Oilers name will
be changed next season to the
Houston Tampons as they are
only good for one period and don't
have a second string.
The L.A. Rams have a new line
of cologne.
It's a little different though;
you wear it and the other guy
scores.
John Elway couldn't get into
his house Sunday night. It
seems someone had painted a
goal line in front of his door!
Baseball is to football as Beethoven is to rap. -- Patrick Mott
Football combines the two worst
features of American life.
It is violence punctuated by
committee meetings. - "Men At
Work: The Craft of Baseball"
by George F. Will, quoted in the
April 1 "New York Times Book
Review"
Because it is not natural for
a human being to hurl his body
directly at another human being.
- Chuck Noll, ex-Pittsburgh
Steelers football coach, when
asked why it is difficult to
play pro football
Today was mostly decision day.
We made an agreement to agree
over what we had agreed upon
before. -- Tom Flores, former
Seahawks general manager
From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002 (S289b)
Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is
everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/30/2002 (S291b)
If you aren't going all the
way; why go at all?
-- Joe Namath, Hall of
Fame Football Player
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
Until I was thirteen, I thought
my name was 'shut up.'
-- Joe Namath
From: Joke-Of-The-Day@joke-of-the-day.com
on 1/24/2003 (S313b)
Dictionary is the only place
that success comes before work.
Hard work is the price we must
pay for success. I think you
can accomplish anything if you're
willing to pay the price.
-- Vince Lombardi
The "huddle" in football was
formed due a deaf football player
who used sign language to communicate
and his team didn't want
the opposition to see the signals
he used and in turn huddled
around him.
Steve Young, the San Francisco
49ers quarterback, is the
great-great-grandson of Mormon
leader Brigham Young.
From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
* No NFL team which plays it's
home games in a domed stadium
has ever won a Super
Bowl.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply
the NFL with enough leather for a
year's supply of
footballs.
From: RFSlick on 5/31/99
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When
asked by Bob Costas why he takes
his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded, "Because
she is too damn ugly to kiss
goodbye."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers
when asked about the upcoming
season:"I want to rush for 1,000
or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby
of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my
own mother to win the Super
Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders
said, "To win, I'd run over
Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former
player Joe Theismann 1996:
"Nobody in football should be
called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe,
who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic requirements:
"I play football. I'm not
trying to be a professor. The
tests don't seem to make sense
to me, measuring your brain
on stuff I haven't been through in
school."
Darrell Royal, Texas football
coach, asked if the abnormal
number of Longhorn injuries
that season resulted from poor
physical conditioning: "One
player was lost because he broke
his nose. How do you go
about getting a nose in condition
for football?" (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the
hapless Baltimore Colts after
the team's co-captain, offensive
guard Robert Pratt, pulled
a hamstring running onto the
field for the coin toss against
St. Louis: "I'm going to send
the injured reserve players out
for the toss next time." (1981)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders
tackle, on his decision not
to vote: "I was going to write
myself in, but I was afraid
I'd get shot." (1996)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston
receiver, on his coach,
John Jenkins: "He treats us
like men. He lets us wear
earrings." (1991)
From: DrRibeiro on 8/2/99 (S131B)
Strange! No one ever says "It's
only a game,"
when their team is winning.
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 7/22/01
During a nationally-televised
August pre-season game,
Denver Bronco defensive tackle
Darren Drozdov, who was
in his stance opposite the offensive
center awaiting
the snap, vomited on the ball.
Afterward, he told
reporters, "I get sick a lot.
I was a quarterback in
high school, and I'd start throwing
up on my center's
back. I don't have a lot of
control out there."
[San Francisco Chronicle, 8-27-93]
(294)
From: gheckman on 10/2/2001
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre
Dawson on being a role model
"I want all the kids to do what
I do, to look up to me. I
want all the kids to copulate
me.
From: RFSlick on 2/4/2002 (S262)
If the Jacksonville Jaguars
are known as the"Jags"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
are known as the "Bucs",
what does that make the Tennessee
Titans ?
From: igiggle on 12/28/2003 (S361b)
"They boo for a living in those
places. We played on
Christmas Eve and they even
booed Santa Claus."
-- Jerry Glanville,
Houston Oilers coach,
on Cleveland and
Cincinnati fans.
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 1/25/2006
(S472b)
"Football isn't a contact sport,
it's a collision sport.
Dancing is a contact sport."
-- Duffy Daugherty
Q: What is the difference between
Cheerios and the Broncos.
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
Q: Why does John Elway eat his
cereal from a plate?
A: Because he's lost all three
of his bowls.
Q: Why can't John Elway use the
phone anymore?
A: Because he can't find the
receiver.
Q: What do you get when you cross
a defensive lineman with
a prostitute?
A: A quarter-ton pickup.
Q: Do you know why the new football
stadium
they built in Warsaw
could not be used?
A: No matter where you sat,
you were behind a Pole.
Q: What is the difference between
a sofa and
a man watching
Monday
Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking
for beer.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
Q: What do the LAPD and the
Green Bay Packers have
in common?
A: Neither of them can stop
a Bronco.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Smiley playing football from
Smiley_Central |