golf3

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Subj: Golf3 Jokes (Gz-m4)
(Includes 92 jokes and articles)

GOLF1 and 2 file has best jokes
GOLF3 file contains jokes, oddities and Q/A
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Subj: Golfing Parrot (S536b in Birds-Parrots)
From: edapsmas on 4/27/2007

This cute movie is 3,200 KB. You can view it on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Why Golf Is Better Than Sex..... (S492b)
          From: fischer-j on 6/23/2006

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.

#10...A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9...You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger
       and a couple of beers.
#8...It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7...Foursomes are encouraged.
#6...You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5...Three times a day is possible.
#4...Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play
       with someone else.
#3...If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.
#2...You don't have to cuddle with your partner when
       you're finished.
And the number one reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1...If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

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Subj:     Golfing Realities (S467b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/28/2005

* Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by
the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

* A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to
have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything
in there.

* It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the
house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and
rake his sand traps.

* When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that
it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than
at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

* It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain
   surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around
   on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing
   brain surgery.

* A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer
from giving up the game.

* Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you
always end up praying a lot.

* A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse
than you.

* That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who
feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

* If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he
shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

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Subj:     Actual Caddy Quotes (S455b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 10/10/2005
         (See "Frank and Ernest Play Golf" in this file)

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going
to go drown myself in that lake."

Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100
on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than
you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time,
caddy. It's distracting!"

Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play
golf on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day
of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."

Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks
far too old."

Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy
in the world!"

Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of
a coincidence!"

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Subj:     A Series Of Unfortunate Events (S455)
          From: DoctorDebt on 10/9/2005

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your
country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your
parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International
competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work
pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? That animal was a racehorse not a donkey -
What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains
caught on fire and burned the house to the ground."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!
What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor... She showed up one night out of the
blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your
new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

DEAD SILENCE...................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

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Subj:     Golfer Looses Ball In Ravine (S396, S616)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/26/2004

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben
slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his
8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in
search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently throughout the thick underbrush
and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer,
he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in
the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas,
come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and
calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron!
Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

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Subj:     Riddle-100 Golfers In Match Play (S393b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 8/6/2004
          at http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/words.htm

There are 100 golfers in the local match play contest. If
a player loses a match, he is immediately eliminated from
the contest. How many matches will be played to determine
the winner?

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

If there is to be only one winner, than there are 99 loses,
therefore there were 99 matches. You can also do this with
math: in round 1 there would be 50 matches to produce 50
winners, round 2 would have 25 matches to produce 25 winners,
round 3 would have 12 matches to produce 12 winners (one
person of the 25 winners would have to wait until later to
play again), round 4 would have 6 matches to produce 6
winners, round 5 would have 3 matches to produce 3 winners,
round 6 would have 2 matches (the player left out before
would now play to make it an even field) to produce 2
winners, these 2 would play for the championship. So:
50+25+12+6+3+2+1=99

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Subj:     Using The Women's Tee (S330b, S579)
          From: RFSlick on 5/23/2003
      and From: tom on 2/20/2008

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of
a busy course. I was beginning my pre-shot routine,
visualizing my upcoming shot when a voice came over
the Clubhouse speaker: " Would the gentleman on the
women's tee back up to the men's tee".

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I
was still in my routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again came an announcement from the
Clubhouse. "Would the man on the woman's tee kindly
back up to the men's tee".

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when
once more the speaker blared out its message. "Would
the man on the woman's tee, please back up to the men's
tee". I finally stopped, turned, looked through the
clubhouse window, directly at the person with the
microphone, cupped my hands over my mouth, and shouted
back. "Would the asshole in the clubhouse kindly shut
up and let me play my second shot."

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Subj:     Golfer Gets Robot Caddie (S306, S587b)
          From: flovilla on 12/11/2002
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/17/2008

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man
behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like
18 holes of golf and a caddie,"

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is
no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course.
What I will do for you is this.. We just got 8 brand new
robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with
you out on the course and if you will come back and tell
me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He
approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said
to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use
your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good
contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet
to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer,
delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his
assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think
this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do
believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his
prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot
and his advice. But his luck didn't end there!

His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks
to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie! Upon
returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter
asked, "How was your game?"

The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever
played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of
your robots. See you next week!"

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the
pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the
man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes
of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!"

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man
and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However,
we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many
complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the hell
could've complained about those robots? They were
incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare
from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the
fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them
black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em
didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was
arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the
pro shop!"

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Subj:     Fanatic Golfer Has Bad Weather (S234, S458)
          From: thebartend on 7/23/2001
      and From: darrell94590 on 11/2/2005
          (Also see 'Fisherman And The Rain' in Fishing2)

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a
golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee
time. He gets up early and eager, and golf's all day long,
even 36 holes sometimes.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to
his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage
rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour.
There is also snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is
blowing 50 mph. He returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather
all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet,
quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he
cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different kind
of anticipation than golf, and whispers, "The weather out
there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out golfing."

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Subj:     Mother Nature And The Golfers (S232, DU)
          From: gheckman on 7/8/2001
          (See 'Johnny Kicks The Animals' in FARMER1)

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred hit his ball into
the woods. Harry, his partner, had laughed and poked fun,
but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods,
just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time,
getting angrier every minute.

Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found
his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his
club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know
how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for
that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest
of your life! Better still; you won't have any butter for
your toast for the rest of your life! As a matter of fact,
you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your
life!" Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,
"Harry!....Harry!...Where are you?"

Harry yells, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Fred screams back, "DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!"

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Subj:     Facts On Golf (S47, DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/27/97

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground
    with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today,
    in civilized society, it is called golf.
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon
    takes up work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions
    of poor players!
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight
    and not too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons,
    practice constantly -- or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once
    before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it
    cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are
    those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends,
    play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words
    were taken.

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Subj:     Facts On Golf II (S571b)
          From: tom on 12/29/2007

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your
mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can
either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while
the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have
two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can
wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share
his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to
play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant
elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that
allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents'
luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt. For a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a
rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf
course is a straight line that passes directly through
the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two
inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and
take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot
is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always
look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to
start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental
equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does,
simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply
the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-
swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

One of my personal favorites:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-
swing at the top and checking the position of your hands:
how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards
away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker,
your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the
bunker, yours is in the footprint

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at
10:00 to mow the yard

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer
from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you
always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse
than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play
with friends.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game
of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold
by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the
house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks,
and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot
a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does
to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't
get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs
and fart if you are performing brain surgery!

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Subj:     Learning To Play Golf (S617)

I believe this one is best done with a bit'a the brogue
after a wee sip. Me wife says to me one day, "Tain't it
about time you learned to play this golf thing that all
the other husbands are play'n?"

So I goes next door and says to me neighbor, "Can you teach
me to play golf?"

He: "Sure. Have you got any balls and club?"

Me: "?.....of course. Why?"

H: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and
we'll T-off."

M: "?T-off? Whats this T-off?"

H: "Oh, it's just a golf term and we'll T-off right next
to the clubhouse."

M: "Look, you T-off where ever you want to but I'll T-off
in private if you don't mind."

H: "(chuckle) No no, a T's that little thing about the
size of your little finger."

M: (them damn women been talk'n again)

H: "Look, the first thing you do is stick you T in the
ground and put you ball on top of it."

M: "Oh, this is sit down game?"

H: "No, your standing up when you put your ball on the T."

M: "Is'nt that stretch'n things a bit far"?

H: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs"?

M: "?.....of course. Why?"

H: "Zippered bag or velcro"?

M: "?...........neither."

H: "Oh, well how do you hold you club"?

I: "Two fingers."

H: "No, no. That's not right. Look let me get around
    behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit.
    Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and
    show you how to swing."

M: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what
you got on your mind.

H: "Ok, look, you take your club and swing it over your
shoulder..."

M: "No, no, that's me brother Jimmy you be think'n of."

H: "...and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar."

M: "I can well believe that."

H: "Then when your on the green..."

M: "What's the green thing"?

H: "Ah, that's where the hole is."

M: "You color blind"?

H: "No, why"? "...anyway, when you get there, you take
your putter..."

M: "Whats a putter"?

H: "Smallest club made."

M: (Damn that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).

H: "...and with it you put the ball in the hole."

M: "You mean the putter"?

H: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball
and the putter."

M: "Well, that's when I knew he didn't know what he was
talk'n about. Cuz I seen holes big enough for a horse-
n-wagon."

H: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17."

M: "I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides,
how would I know when I in the 18th one"?

H: "Why, the holes got a flag in it."

M: Sheeez!

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Subj:     Golf Rules (S175)
          From: RFSlick on 5/8/2002
          (Also see 'Top 10 Suggestions For Men Who Golf Or
..........Use Public Restrooms:' in GOLF1)

THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others
go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

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Subj:     Rules For Bedroom Golf (S308, S612)
          From: thebartend on 12/23/2002
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/17/2008

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play,
     normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in
     the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm
     shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft
     for firmness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length
     of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as
     necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play
     is complete. Failure to do so may result in being
     denied permission to play on the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole
     immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced
     player will normally take time to admire the entire
     course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses
     they have playe or are currently playing to the owner
     of the course being played. Upset course owners have
     been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along,
     just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has
     been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course
     is being played for the first time. Previous players
     have been known to become irate if they discover someone
     else is playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play
     at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they
     find the course is temporarily under repair. Players
     are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
     More advanced players will find alternate means of play
     when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners
     permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be
     prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least
     temporarily, at course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time
     permitting, to play the same hole several times in
     one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is
     the best player.
16. The course's owner is responsible for the manicuring
     and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for
     improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to
     the hole.
17. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to
     other players, or even that you have played the course.
*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before
     considering membership at a given course. Additional
     assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules
     are subject to change. For this reason, many players
     prefer to continue to play several different courses.

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Subj:     Golf Quotations (S507b)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/5/2006

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you
seldom lose a bowling ball. -- Don Carter

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my
ex-wives. n Both if them are so rich that neither of
their husbands work. -- Lee Trevino

The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that
you can start golf in your forties. You can start other
things in your forties but generally your wife makes you
stop them, as Bill clinton found out. (probably a Republican)

There are two things you can do with your head down, play
golf and pray. -- Lee Trevino

A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked
an interesting question: "IS THE WORD SPELT P-U-T OR P-U-T-T?"
she asked the instructor. "P-U-T-T IS CORRECT," he replied
"PUT MEANS TO PLACE A THING WHERE YOU WANT IT. PUTT MEANS
MERELY A VAIN ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME THING."

Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit
it and run backwards. -- Ken Ventur i, on Art Rosenbaum

I read the greens in Spanish, but putt in English.
-- Chi Chi Rodriguez

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
-- Bruce Lansky

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are
those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
(unknown)

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
-- Buddy Hackett

Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to
grip the club, don't you? -- Ben Hogan

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.

Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play
softball.

I found out that all the important lessons of life are
contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf
swing:
    1. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
    2. FOLLOW THROUGH.
    3. BE BORN WITH MONEY

From: drgolfmd on 5/7/2007 (S538c)

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your
foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
-- Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how
childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent
inability to count past five. -- John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the
world is when one is playing golf. -- Robert Lynd

If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball,
the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
-- Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf
is more complicated than that. -- Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as
they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. -- Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
-- William Wordsworth

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. -- Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw
it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to
waste energy going back to pick it up. -- Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally
responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. -- Bishop Sheen

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes
they'd come up sliced. -- Arnold Palmer

My handicap? Only woods and irons. -- Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody
would put a flag stick on top. -- Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great but having a terrible
time getting out of them! -- Buddy Hackett

The only time my prayers are never answered is when I'm
playing golf. -- Billy Graham

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up
the wrong golf ball. -- Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls
while they are still rolling. -- Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
-- Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without
being good at either of them. -- Jimmy Demaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
-- Ben Hogan

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a
hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. -- All Us Hackers

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you
can't improve your lie. -- George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music
comes out of a bagpipe. -- Lee Trevino

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Short Golf Jokes

Top

Subj:     Frank And Ernest Play Golf (S508b)
          From: Comics.com
          on 10/18/2006

Source: http://www.comics.com/comics/franknernest/index.html
You can view this cute cartoon at the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Golfer Needs Dentures (S460b)
From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 11/16/2005
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going
to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do
a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.

"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the
stomach.

That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth
didn't hurt."

Top

Subj:     BC on Golf (S464)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 12/11/2005

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20051211
You can view this comic strip at the source above, or on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Golf Gun Murder (S323, S514b)
          From: RFSlick on 4/2/2003
      and From: cappucinid on 11/27/2006
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of
Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf
gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure
made a hole in Juan."

Top
Subj: Golf Cource Sign (S461b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/18/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19980111

Top
Subj: Jack Nicklaus On Golf (S322b)
From: jtgalvan on 3/29/2003
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus.

He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is
synonymous with the game of golf. You really know
your way around the course. What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

Top
Subj:     Worst Forsome In Golf (S305b, S588b)
          From: gheckman on 12/3/2002
      and From: tom on 4/23/2008
1. Monica Lewinski
2. O.J.Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton

Why you ask? well......
1. Monica is a hooker
2. O.J. is a slicer
3. Ted can't drive over water, and.....
4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last.

Top
Subj:     Stranded Golfer Meets Old Lady (S202, S349b)
          From: mbucher on 12/14/2000
      and From: JBCARY1 on 9/30/2003
A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus
and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pants
pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.

The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and
his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances
from her he said, "It's golf balls,"

The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully
and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

Top
Subj:     The Golf Nut And The Hooker (S131B)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com ON 7/29/99
          (Also see 'Golfer And His Bride On The Honeymoon' in Golf2)
A man and a woman meet on vacation and quickly fall in love.
At the trip's end, they decide to open up to each other.

"It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill says. "I'm a golf
nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf."

"Well, I'll be honest, too," Jody says. "I'm a hooker."

The man looks crestfallen for a moment, then says, "Are you
keeping your wrists straight?"

Top
Subj: Three Deaf Retirees Play Golf (S353b)
From: woneye on 11/7/2003
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't
it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the
third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Top
Subj: Four Senior Golfers Complain
From: RFSlick on 98-10-25
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning
enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper
as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem
to be getting longer too," said one of the others. The
sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,"
said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest,
and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped
up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right
side of the grass!"

Two guys are playing golf when one says, "Did you hear about Bill?"
   "No," said the other. "What about him?"
   "He went nuts and beat his wife to death with a golf club."
   "God, that's awful."
   They were quiet for a moment and then the friend asks,
   "How many strokes?"

He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of
golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench
fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed
during a 12-inch putt. The duffer exploded. "You've got to
be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of
a coincidence."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #27
I was playing golf one time and I hit my shot into a field
of buttercups. It was so beautiful that I decided to take a
drop and not damage the field. After doing this a voice came
out of the sky and said, "My son, that was very magnanimous
and as a reward I'm going to give you a lifetime supply of
butter."
I said, "Thanks a lot, but where were you on the last hole
when I hit my ball into that field of pussywillows?"

Golf: The game where ya gotta get it up to get it in.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of shoes?
In case he got a hole in one.

Do you know why they call it golf?
All the other four letter words were taken.

All morning, the American businessman talks about golf in
his office. The rest of the day, he discusses work on
the golf course.

In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of
beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling
cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-
expression. In America, we call it golf.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #22
A foursome of ladies was standing on a tee when a streaker
ran across the fairway in front of them. One lady asks,
"Is that Dick Green?" Another replied, "No, I think it's
just the reflection off of the grass."

Pressure is playing for $50 a hole with only $5 in your pocket.
-- Lee Trevino

Every time I look at the ball, I see my ex-wife. -- John
Daly, explaining why he can hit a golf ball farther than
anyone else on the pro tour.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives
of some of our most useless citizens. -- Bob Hope

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes
they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -- Roger Simon

If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you
want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick.
But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the
results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to
lawns. -- National Lampoon

From: auntieg 98-05-09
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

From: RFSlick on 98-05-27
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what!
I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134)
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport
for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like
black pimps." -- Tiger Woods

From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002 (S289b)
US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer]
is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife
takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I
just said?"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/26/2002 (S288b)
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man
who is playing golf with his boss." -- Jim Murray.

From: LABLaughs.com on 2/10/2003 (S315b)
It was the worst round of golf that I've ever played.
All I hit were two good balls, and that was because
I stepped on a rake!

From: pns on 2/14/2003 (S319)
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft............... Today, it's
called golf.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/5/2005 (S440b)
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled
Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word
GOLF entered into the English language.

From: igiggle on 1/10/2006 (S468b)
You've got just one problem. You stand too close to the
ball - after you've hit it. -- Sam Snead

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/10/2006 (S490b)
"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball
into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly
ill-designed for the purpose." -- Winston Churchill

Q: What's the best thing to do if you get caught out on a
golf course in a lightning storm?
A: Hold a one iron over your head because even God can't
hit a one iron.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #195 (S183)
and From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
Q: What do you call 100 white guys chasing a black guy?
A: Years ago, they called it the Ku Klux Klan.
A: Today they call it the PGA Tour!

From: RFSlick on 7/8/99 (S128)
Q: What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
A: Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times.

From: JBCARY1 on 8/22/2001 (S238)
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer
and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes whack, damn.
A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/23/2005 (S434b)
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris??
A: Men will spend hours looking for a golf ball.

\\\//
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Two golfers from
Smiley_Central

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