Subj: Swimming Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 10 jokes and articles)
Scuba Diver from
Animation Factory
| >>>
Subj: Swimming Jokes (Gz) (Includes 10 jokes and articles) |
|
Scuba Diver from Animation Factory |
Also see ACCIDENT1
- 'Its A Bad
Day When......'
ALLIGATOR - 'Alligator
Contest'
BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde
Enters Swimming Contest'
FISHING2 file- 'Wife
Dies While Scuba Diving'
OTHER-ANIMALS- 'A Great
White'
SHIP file - 'John's
Boat'
WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Strangers
Marry And Go On Honeymoon'
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| Subj:
Shark Surfing (S599c)
From: ft.apache on 7/8/2008 (See 'Texas Ditch Surfing' in OTHER-SPORTS |
 |
This crazy surfer is a candidate
for a Darwin Award. You
can view his stupidity on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Morty
And Saul Go Boating (S439)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/20/2005
Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon
on a lake when their
boat starts sinking. Saul the
banker says to Morty, "So
listen, Morty, you know I don't
swim so well." Morty
remembered how to carry another
swimmer from his lifeguard
class when he was just a kid.
So Morty is begins tugging
Saul toward shore.
After twenty minutes, he begins
to tire. Finally about 50
feet from shore, Morty asks
Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose
you could float alone?" Saul
replies, "Morty, this is a
hell of a time to be asking
for money!"
\\\//
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Subj: Bad
Day At The Office (S194, S536c)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 10/19/2000
and
From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 4/23/2007
Next time you think you have
had a bad day at work, think about
this guy... Tom is a commercial
saturation diver for Global
Divers out of Louisiana and
performs underwater repairs on off-
shore drilling rigs. Below
is an email he sent to his sister.
She sent it to Laughline and
won the contest (he wasn't thrilled
with her for that one).
Anyway...anytime you think you
have had a bad day at the office,
remember this guy.
April 1998
Hi Sue, Just another note from
your bottom dwelling brother. Last
week I had a bad day at the
office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought
I would share my dilemma with
you to make you realize it's
not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened
to me, I first must bore you
with a few technicalities of
my job. As you know my office lies
at the bottom of the sea. I
wear a suit to the office. It's a
wetsuit. This time of
year the water is quite cool. So what we
do to keep warm is this: We
have a diesel powered industrial water
heater. This $20,000 piece
of shit sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a
delightful temp. It then pumps it down to
the diver through a garden hose,
which is taped to the air-hose.
Now this sounds like a damn
good plan, and I've used it several
times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom
and start working, is I take
the hose and stuff it down the back
of my neck. This floods
my whole suit with warm water. It's like
working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a
sudden, my ass started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started
to burn. I pulled the
hose out from my back, but the damage was
done. In agony I realized
what had happened. The hot water
machine had sucked up a jellyfish
and pumped it into my suit.
This is even worse than the
poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my
back. I don't have any hair on my
back, so the jellyfish couldn't
get stuck to my back. My ass
crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought
was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into
my ass. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over
the communicator. His instructions
were unclear due to the fact
that he along with 5 other divers
were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make 3 agonizing
in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I
could come to the surface for my dry
chamber decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but
my brass helmet. My suit
and gear were tied to the bell.
When I got on board the medic,
with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube
of cream and told me to shove it
"up my ass" when I get in the
chamber. The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn't shit for
two days because my asshole was
swollen shut.
I later found out that this could
easily have been prevented if
the suction hose was placed
on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have
a bad day at the office, think of
me. Think about how much
worse your day would be if you were to
shove a jellyfish up your ass.
I hope you have no bad days at
the office. But if you
do, I hope this will make them more
tolerable. Take care,
and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love you, Tom
Snopes could not determine if
this article was true or not at
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/diver.asp
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Subj: Ausi
Olympic Swimmer & The Gymnast (S193, S589c)
From: ICohen on 10/10/00
This young swimmer from the Australian
Olympic team manages
to sneak his new girlfriend,
a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into
his room at the Olympic Village.
Once she's inside, he quickly
switches out all the lights
and they rapidly disrobe and
leap onto his bed in a flurry
of athletic achievement.
After about twenty minutes of
wild sex they both collapse
back on the bed in exhaustion.
The girl looks admiringly
across at the swimmer in the
dim light. His beautifully-
developed muscles, tanned skin
and smooth-shaven scalp
glisten with little beads of
sweat as he lies beside her.
She's really pleased to have
met this guy.
At this point the swimmer slowly
struggles up from the bed.
He fumbles the lid off a bottle
on the bedside table, pours
himself a small shot in a glass
and drinks it down in one
gulp. Then he stands bolt
upright, takes a deep breath
and, in a surprisingly energetic
motion, dives under the
bed, climbing out the other
side and beating his chest like
a gorilla. Then he vaults
back on top of the girl and
commences a frantic repeat performance.
The Danish girl is very impressed
with the gusto of this
second encounter. Somehow
the Aussie has completely
recovered from his previous
exhaustion! After nearly half
an hour of wild activity in
every possible position, the
gasping male swimmer again crawls
out of bed and swallows
another shot of the mysterious
liquid. Once more he dives
under the bed, emerges on the
other side, beats his chest
and commences to make love all
over AGAIN. The girl is
just amazed and delighted as
the action continues at the
same blistering pace as before.
In the darkness, she can
not properly see what kind of
tonic is causing these
incredible transformations,
but she sure likes the effect!
More than an hour later, after
another repeat of the
strange drinking ritual on his
part, and a whole string of
ecstatic multiple orgasms on
her part, the Danish girl is
now feeling rather faint herself.
"Just a minute, big boy," she
whispers to the panting bald-
headed Aussie, "I think I need
to try some of your tonic!"
She rises unsteadily and pours
a small shot of the liquid.
She braces herself for some
sort of medicinal effect, but
actually it just tastes like
Coca-Cola. Then she stands
up straight, takes a deep breath
and dives under the bed
- only to smash straight into
the three other exhausted
members of the Australian relay
team....................
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Subj: Peeing
In The Pool (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187
Bob takes JoJo and the kids for
a day at the neighbor pool.
After they've been there awhile,
a lifeguard blows his
whistle and screams at Bob,
"Hey, you in the Speedo's,
I've been watching you all afternoon,
and you must stop
urinating in the pool!"
Bob says, "Why, everybody does it?"
The lifeguard replies, "Not from the diving board!"
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Subj: Short
Swimming Jokes
| Subj:
Scuba Diving Cat (S503b in Cats2)
From: auntiegah on 9/12/2006 |
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Top
Subj: Man
Swims In Nude (S206, S519b)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 1/5/2001
The weather was very hot and
this man wanted desperately to
take a dive in a nearby lake.
He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was
all alone. So he undressed
and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of
cool swimming, a pair of ladies
walked onto the shore in his
direction. He panicked,
got out of the water and grabbed a
bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in
front of his private parts and
sighed with relief. The
ladies got nearby and looked
at him. He felt awkward and
wanted to move. Then one
of the ladies said: 'You know , I
have a special gift, I can read
minds.' 'Impossible', said
the embarrassed man, 'You really
know what I think?' 'Yes',
the lady replied, 'Right now,
I bet you thin that the bucket
you're holding has a bottom.'
In Saratoga, Florida it is illegal
to sing while wearing
a bathing suit...
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/4/2001
"My Mom said she learned how
to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw
her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.'"
-- Paula Poundstone
From: bonehead on 8/30/2001 (S240)
News Item: Australian swimming
coach puts 6-foot crocodile
in pool with swimmers during
practice to ''improve their
speed.''
Learn to swim. It is a
sport all the peasants can play.
-- Mao Tse-Tung (in Quotes1)
From: icohen on 12/07/1999 (S149)
Q: What is the difference between
Olympic swimmers and
Olympic divers?
A: Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.
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 |
Smiley swimming from
Smiley_Central |