Subj:     Swimming Jokes 
                 (Includes 22 jokes and articles, 17 1070,14,cLf,wXT2a6a,12)

Scuba Diver from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Mark Mathews' Surfing Video (S961)
.........................Evian Surfing Commercial (S1006)
.........................Dakuwaqa's Garden - Scuba Diving - Video (S803)
.........................Bad Day At The Office (S194, S536c)
.........................Shark Surfing - Video (S599c)
.........................Morty And Saul Go Boating (S439, S626c)
.........................Wendy The Lifeguard - Video (S1067)
.........................Ausi Olympic Swimmer And The Gymnast (S193, S589c)
.........................Snoopy - Surfs Up From 1966 - Video (S998)
.........................Mr Bean - At the Beach - Video (S1058)
.........................Peeing In The Pool (DU)
.........................Surfing At Sunset by Benji Brand - Video (S1059)
.........................John Wayne's Swimming Lesson (S1000)
.........................The Lifeguard - Video (S631c)
.........................Kite Surfing - Video (S1070)
                         Short Swimming Jokes
..............................Surfer Almost Swallowed by Whale (S799)
..............................Skinny Dipping Sign (605c)
..............................Man Swims In Nude (S206, S519b)
..............................Scuba Diving Cat - Video (S503b)

Also see ACCIDENT1    - 'Its A Bad Day When......'
         ALLIGATOR    - 'Alligator Contest'
         CHINESE file - 'Surfing Chinese Fortune'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde Enters Swimming Contest'
         ELEPHANT file- 'Elephant Surfing' - GIF
         FISHING2 file- 'Wife Dies While Scuba Diving'
         HEADLINES/ADS- 'Barclaycard Waterslide'
         HORSE-SUPP   - 'Horse Surfing!' - Video
         LOVE file    - 'Taking The Plunge' - Video
         OTHER-ANIMALS- 'A Great White'
         SHIP file    - 'John's Boat'
         WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Strangers Marry And Go On Honeymoon'
Subj:     Mark Mathews' Surfing Video (S961d-On Site)
          From: Mark Mathews on Facebook
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/202577433105506/videos/1033922069971034/
.......Click 'HERE' to see and hear this awesome video.
Subj:     Evian Surfing Commercial (S1006)
          Posted by EvianBabies(d-iFrame)
          From: Roger Ford on 4/27/16
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/XSd5SSZxe3M
 Click 'HERE' to see the most amazing surf spot in the world:
 all surfers are babies!

Subj:     Dakuwaqa's Garden - Scuba Diving (S803)
          From: lubin100 on 5/31/2012 (d-iFrame)
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/mcbHKAWIk3I

 Dakuwaqa's Garden - Underwater footage from Fiji and Tonga

 Underwater footage shot whilst scuba diving in the Fiji
 islands and Tonga.  Featuring colorful coral reefs, huge
 schools of tropical fish, sharks, humpback whales, under-
 water caves, scuba divers and much more marine life from
 the south Pacific.

 The background music is "In the Meadows" by Stephen
 Richard Thomas Brown.

 Click 'HERE' to see this awesome, beautiful video.  This
 video has been seen over eight million times on YouTube.

Subj:     Bad Day At The Office (S194, S536c)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 10/19/2000

 Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about
 this guy...  Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global
 Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on off-
 shore drilling rigs.  Below is an email he sent to his sister.
 She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled
 with her for that one).

 Anyway...anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office,
 remember this guy.

 April 1998

 Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.  Last
 week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling
 down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with
 you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

 Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you
 with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know my office lies
 at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.  It's a
 wetsuit.  This time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we
 do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water
 heater.  This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the
 sea.  It heats it to a delightful temp.  It then pumps it down to
 the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air-hose.
 Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several
 times with no complaints.  What I do, when I get to the bottom
 and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back
 of my neck.  This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
 working in a Jacuzzi.  Everything was going well until all of a
 sudden, my ass started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it.
 This only made things worse.  Within a few seconds my ass started
 to burn.  I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
 done.  In agony I realized what had happened.  The hot water
 machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
 This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
 Now I had that hose down my back.  I don't have any hair on my
 back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back.  My ass
 crack was not as fortunate.

 When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
 grinding the jellyfish into my ass.  I informed the dive
 supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  His instructions
 were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers
 were laughing hysterically.  Needless to say I aborted the dive.
 I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
 totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry
 chamber decompression.  I got to the surface wearing nothing but
 my brass helmet.  My suit and gear were tied to the bell.

 When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running
 down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it
 "up my ass" when I get in the chamber.  The cream put the fire
 out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was
 swollen shut.

 I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if
 the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
 Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of
 me.  Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to
 shove a jellyfish up your ass.  I hope you have no bad days at
 the office.  But if you do, I hope this will make them more
 tolerable.  Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
 Love you, Tom

 Snopes could not determine if this article was true or not at

Subj:     Shark Surfing (S599c,d-iFrame)
          From: ft.apache on 7/8/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/VJnxYsZNzwM

 (See 'Texas Ditch Surfing' in OTHER-SPORTS)

 This crazy surfer is a candidate for a Darwin Award.
 He takes a fishing pole, bait, and his surf board
 and gets pulled by a shark. You can view his stupidity
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Morty And Saul Go Boating (S439, S626c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 6/20/2005

 Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their
 boat starts sinking. Saul the banker says to Morty, "So
 listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty
 remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard
 class when he was just a kid.  So Morty is begins tugging
 Saul toward shore.

 After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50
 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose
 you could float alone?" Saul replies, "Morty, this is a
 hell of a time to be asking for money!"

Subj:     Wendy The Lifeguard (S1067d-On Site)
          From: Jeffrey Brown on 6/18/2017

 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/2XDfXKp4nJE

 Click 'HERE' to see Squints' Big Plan for Wendy the Lifeguard.
 This is a short from the 1993 movie "The Sandlot".
Subj:     Ausi Olympic Swimmer And The Gymnast (S193, S589c)
          From: ICohen on 10/10/00

 This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages
 to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into
 his room at the Olympic Village.

 Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights
 and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry
 of athletic achievement.

 After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse
 back on the bed in exhaustion.  The girl looks admiringly
 across at the swimmer in the dim light.  His beautifully-
 developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp
 glisten with little beads of sweat as he lies beside her.
 She's really pleased to have met this guy.

 At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.
 He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours
 himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one
 gulp.  Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath
 and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the
 bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like
 a gorilla.  Then he vaults back on top of the girl and
 commences a frantic repeat performance.

 The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this
 second encounter.  Somehow the Aussie has completely
 recovered from his previous exhaustion!  After nearly half
 an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the
 gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows
 another shot of the mysterious liquid.  Once more he dives
 under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest
 and commences to make love all over AGAIN.  The girl is
 just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the
 same blistering pace as before.  In the darkness, she can
 not properly see what kind of tonic is causing these
 incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!
 More than an hour later, after another repeat of the
 strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of
 ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is
 now feeling rather faint herself.

 "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-
 headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"
 She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.
 She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but
 actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola.  Then she stands
 up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed
 - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted
 members of the Australian relay team....................

Subj:     Snoopy - Surfs Up From 1966 (S998d-On Site)
          Posted by Snoopy on Facebook on 2/23/2016
 Source: www.facebook.com/Snoopy/videos/1151388741578547/
.......Click 'HERE' to see Snoopy surf in a blow up pool.
Subj:     Mr Bean - At the Beach
          From: Roger Ford 
..........on 4/25/2017 (S1058d-On Site)
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/

 Click 'HERE' to see Rowan Atkinson aka Mr. Bean, goes to
 the beach and tries to change into his swimming trunks.

Subj:     Peeing In The Pool (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187

 Bob takes JoJo and the kids for a day at the neighbor pool.
 After they've been there awhile, a lifeguard blows his
 whistle and screams at Bob, "Hey, you in the Speedo's,
 I've been watching you all afternoon, and you must stop
 urinating in the pool!"

 Bob says, "Why, everybody does it?"

 The lifeguard replies, "Not from the diving board!"

Subj:     Surfing At Sunset by Benji Brand (S1059d-On Site)
          From: GoPro World on 4/29/2017

 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/NUAlptPGT_k

 Click 'HERE' to see this Surfline entry on 04.27.16 at
 Namibia, Africa. Filmed by Benji Brand.
Subj:     John Wayne's Swimming Lesson
          From: Lloyd Stiewig
..........on 3/11/2016 (S1000d-iFrame)
 At: www.youtube.com/embed/EqqC1uk8KJI
 Click 'HERE' to see John Wayne teached a boy to swim in
 the 1953 Warner Brothers movie 'Hondo' w/Geraldine Page.

Subj:     The Lifeguard (S631c,d-iFrame)
          From: tom on 2/6/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/IUIkKZpX1uo

 This is a silly, cute, fake video about a lifeguard's
 five minute break.  Click 'HERE' to see it.

Subj:     Kite Surfing (S1070)
          From: Larry Lemas 
..........on 7/10/2017 (d-On Site)
 At: https://www.facebook.com/2401708

 Click 'HERE' to see very beautiful 35 second video.

Subj:     Short Swimming Jokes

Subj:     Surfer Almost Swallowed by Whale (S799d-iFrame)
          From: Rosie Switzer on Facebook on 5/7/12
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/qoP1N0OyFic
 A woman floating on a surfboard near Santa Cruz, California
 almost ended up on the lunch menu for a humpback whale over
 the weekend.  Barb Roettger had her camera rolling as two
 hefty whales popped out of the calm waters not far from the
 unsuspecting surfer and a pair of kayakers.  Click 'HERE'
 to see this amazing, thirty second video.

Subj:     Skinny Dipping Sign (605c)
          From: lauracollins07 on 8/11/2008
Subj:     Man Swims In Nude (S206, S519b)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 1/5/2001
 The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to
 take a dive in a nearby lake.  He didn't bring his swimming
 outfit, but who cared? He was all alone.  So he undressed
 and got into the water.  After some delightful minutes of
 cool swimming, a pair of ladies walked onto the shore in his
 direction.  He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a
 bucket lying in the sand nearby.  He held the bucket in
 front of his private parts and sighed with relief.  The
 ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and
 wanted to move.  Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I
 have a special gift, I can read minds.'  'Impossible', said
 the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'  'Yes',
 the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you thin that the bucket
 you're holding has a bottom.'

Subj:     Scuba Diving Cat (S503b,d-iFrame in Cats2)
          From: auntiegah on 9/12/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/s2hTJP8fUyY
 You can view this amazing video by clicking 'HERE'.

 In Saratoga, Florida it is illegal to sing while wearing
 a bathing suit...

 From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/4/2001
  "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
  her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said,
  'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
    -- Paula Poundstone

From: bonehead on 8/30/2001 (S240)
 News Item: Australian swimming coach puts 6-foot crocodile
 in pool with swimmers during practice to ''improve their

 Learn to swim.  It is a sport all the peasants can play.
   -- Mao Tse-Tung (in Quotes1)

From: icohen on 12/07/1999 (S149)
 Q: What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and
    Olympic divers?
 A: Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.

                           -(o o)-
.............................From Smiley_Central.