Subj: Swimming Jokes
(Includes 18 jokes and articles, 21 1046n,10,cf,wXT2a3c,8)
Scuba Diver from
Also see ACCIDENT1
- 'Its A Bad
ALLIGATOR - 'Alligator Contest'
CHINESE file - 'Surfing Chinese Fortune'
BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde Enters Swimming Contest'
ELEPHANT file- 'Elephant Surfing' - GIF
FISHING2 file- 'Wife Dies While Scuba Diving'
HEADLINES/ADS- 'Barclaycard Waterslide'
HORSE-SUPP - 'Horse Surfing!' - Video
LOVE file - 'Taking The Plunge' - Video
OTHER-ANIMALS- 'A Great White'
SHIP file - 'John's Boat'
WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Strangers Marry And Go On Honeymoon'
Subj: Mark Mathews' Surfing Video (S961d)
From: Mark Mathews on Facebook
.......Click 'HERE' to see and hear this awesome video.
Evian Surfing Commercial (S1006)
Posted by EvianBabies
From: Roger Ford on Facebook on 4/27/2016
Dakuwaqa's Garden - Scuba Diving (S803d)
From: lubin100 on 5/31/2012
Photo from YouTube.com
Dakuwaqa's Garden - Underwater footage from Fiji and Tonga
Underwater footage shot whilst
scuba diving in the Fiji
islands and Tonga. Featuring colorful coral reefs, huge
schools of tropical fish, sharks, humpback whales, under-
water caves, scuba divers and much more marine life from
the south Pacific.
The background music is "In the
Meadows" by Stephen
Richard Thomas Brown.
to see this awesome, beautiful video. This
video has been seen over eight million times on YouTube.
Subj: Bad Day At The Office (S194, S536c)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 10/19/2000
and From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 4/23/2007
Next time you think you have
had a bad day at work, think about
this guy... Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global
Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on off-
shore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister.
She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled
with her for that one).
Anyway...anytime you think you
have had a bad day at the office,
remember this guy.
Hi Sue, Just another note from
your bottom dwelling brother. Last
week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with
you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened
to me, I first must bore you
with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies
at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a
wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we
do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water
heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to
the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air-hose.
Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several
times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom
and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back
of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a
sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started
to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water
machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my
back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass
crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought
was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions
were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers
were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry
chamber decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but
my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell.
When I got on board the medic,
with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it
"up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was
I later found out that this could
easily have been prevented if
the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of
me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to
shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at
the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more
tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love you, Tom
Snopes could not determine if
this article was true or not at
Shark Surfing (S599c,d)
From: ft.apache on 7/8/2008
(See 'Texas Ditch Surfing' in OTHER-SPORTS)
This crazy surfer is a candidate
for a Darwin Award.
He takes a fishing pole, bait, and his surf board
and gets pulled by a shark. You can view his stupidity
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Morty And Saul Go Boating (S439, S626c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/20/2005
Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon
on a lake when their
boat starts sinking. Saul the banker says to Morty, "So
listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty
remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard
class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging
Saul toward shore.
After twenty minutes, he begins
to tire. Finally about 50
feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose
you could float alone?" Saul replies, "Morty, this is a
hell of a time to be asking for money!"
The Lifeguard (S631c,d)
From: tom on 2/6/2009
This is a silly, cute, fake video
about a lifeguard's
five minute break. Click 'HERE' to see it.
Subj: Ausi Olympic Swimmer And The Gymnast (S193, S589c)
From: ICohen on 10/10/00
This young swimmer from the Australian
Olympic team manages
to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into
his room at the Olympic Village.
Once she's inside, he quickly
switches out all the lights
and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry
of athletic achievement.
After about twenty minutes of
wild sex they both collapse
back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly
across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-
developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp
glisten with little beads of sweat as he lies beside her.
She's really pleased to have met this guy.
At this point the swimmer slowly
struggles up from the bed.
He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours
himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one
gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath
and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the
bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like
a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and
commences a frantic repeat performance.
The Danish girl is very impressed
with the gusto of this
second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely
recovered from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half
an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the
gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows
another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives
under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest
and commences to make love all over AGAIN. The girl is
just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the
same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can
not properly see what kind of tonic is causing these
incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!
More than an hour later, after another repeat of the
strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of
ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is
now feeling rather faint herself.
"Just a minute, big boy," she
whispers to the panting bald-
headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"
She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.
She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but
actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands
up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed
- only to smash straight into the three other exhausted
members of the Australian relay team....................
Subj: Snoopy - Surfs Up From 1966 (S998d)
Posted by Snoopy on Facebook on 2/23/2016
.......Click 'HERE' to see Snoopy surf in a blow up pool.
Subj: Peeing In The Pool (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187
Bob takes JoJo and the kids for
a day at the neighbor pool.
After they've been there awhile, a lifeguard blows his
whistle and screams at Bob, "Hey, you in the Speedo's,
I've been watching you all afternoon, and you must stop
urinating in the pool!"
Bob says, "Why, everybody does it?"
The lifeguard replies, "Not from the diving board!"
John Wayne's Swimming Lesson (S1000)
From: Lloyd Stiewig on 3/11/2016
Subj: Short Swimming Jokes
Surfer Almost Swallowed by Whale (S799d)
From: Rosie Switzer on Facebook on 5/7/2012
Subj: Skinny Dipping Sign (605c)
From: lauracollins07 on 8/11/2008
Subj: Man Swims In Nude (S206, S519b)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 1/5/2001
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to
take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed
and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of
cool swimming, a pair of ladies walked onto the shore in his
direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a
bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in
front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The
ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and
wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I
have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said
the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes',
the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you thin that the bucket
you're holding has a bottom.'
Scuba Diving Cat (S503b,d in Cats2)
From: auntiegah on 9/12/2006
In Saratoga, Florida it is illegal
to sing while wearing
a bathing suit...
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/4/2001
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
-- Paula Poundstone
From: bonehead on 8/30/2001 (S240)
News Item: Australian swimming coach puts 6-foot crocodile
in pool with swimmers during practice to ''improve their
Learn to swim. It is a
sport all the peasants can play.
-- Mao Tse-Tung (in Quotes1)
From: icohen on 12/07/1999 (S149)
Q: What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and
A: Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.