>>> Subj:     Carnac Jokes (Gz-m4)                  (Includes 59 jokes and articles)

TV Remote from Peter's Palace

The Great Carnac was a 'Swami' routine done by Johnny Carson
on late night television.
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Subj:     Some Of The Best Of Carnac The Magnificent (S455b, S629b)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #125 on 98-05-20
 
 

The Great Carnac was a 'Swami' routine done by Johnny Carson on late night television.  Johnny would forst tell you the answer, meditare and then say it's funny question. . Photo from SportsmanRevies.com...

 ANSWER: Gatorade.
 QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?

 A: Bible belt.
 Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?

 A: Milk and honey.
 Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

 A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
 Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

 A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
 Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

 A: Ben Gay.
 Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

 A: An unmarried woman.
 Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm
    on June 1, 1952?

 A: Disjoint.
 Q: What was dat hippie smoking?

 A: The Laughing Policeman.
 Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

 A: Dustin Hoffman.
 Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

 A: Until he gets caught.
 Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

 A: Old wives tale.
 Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

 A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
 Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

 A: Shareholder.
 Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

 A: Skalliwags.
 Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

 A: David Frost.
 Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?

 A: Head and shoulders.
 Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the
    Godfather's car?

 A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
 Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your
    hickory dickory?

 A: "Rose Bowl."
 Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the
    bowling alley?

 A: That darn cat.
 Q: Who ruined that darn rug?

 A: High rollers.
 Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.

 A: Gunga din.
 Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

 A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
 Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

 A: At both ends.
 Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?

 A: Igloo.
 Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

 A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
 Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?

 A: Grape Nuts.
 Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

 A: Supervisor.
 Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

 A: Crabgrass.
 Q: What do crabs get high on?

 A: Shake-N-Bake.
 Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and
    The Towering Inferno.

 A: Blazing Saddles.
 Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

 A: Flypaper.
 Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

 A: Deep freeze.
 Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.

 A: Bedbug.
 Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?

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Subj:     The Best of Carnac

ANSWER:   Nestea Plunge.
QUESTION: What does the president of Nestea use when his
          toilet is stopped up?

 A: Peter Pan.
 Q: What do you use to fry a peter?

 A: Mount Baldy.
 Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales?

 A: The ZIP Code.
 Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?

 A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
 Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?

 A: Short eyes.
 Q: What do you get when you put Preperation H in your Murine?

 A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
 Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?

 A: Fondue.
 Q: What do you get on your fon if you leave it out all night?

 A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.
 Q: Name two words that have no meaning.

 A: Executive action.
 Q: What does a president look for in a singles bar?

 A: Eleven
 Q: What is the total of Bo Derek and Phyllis Diller?

 A: Trapper John
 Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?

 A: Mr. Coffee.
 Q: Name the father of Mrs. Olsen's illegitamate baby.

 A: Superbowl.
 Q: What would you find in Superman's bathroom?

 A: Zippo Marx.
 Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?

 A: Touchback.
 Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

 A: O'Hare.
 Q: How does Howard Cosell call his toupee? "Oh, hair..."

 A: Over 15 billion served.
 Q: What will be written on the Happy Hooker's tombstone?

 A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
 Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?

 A: Damnation Alley.
 Q: What do they call the entrance to "The Gong Show"?

 A: The American people.
 Q: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race.

 A: A mule, a horse, Billy Carter.
 Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors.

 A: Once is not enough.
 Q: What's the major cause of divorce?

 A: "Leave it to Beaver."
 Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will?

 A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.
 Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.

 A: Bambi, the White House grounds and the new TV season.
 Q: Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.

 A: Kirk Douglas, Terhan Bey and Earl Butz.
 Q: Name a Kirk, a Turk and a jerk.

   From "Carson's Comedy Classics," 12:00 midnight / 11:00
   central weeknights on The Family Channel.  Watch it,
   you'll make Pat Robertson happy.

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Neon Smiley from GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley

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