(Includes 38 jokes and articles, 14683b,18)
Book ? bird from
PageWorks
| Subj:
English Language Supp Jokes
(Includes 38 jokes and articles, 14683b,18) |
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Book ? bird from PageWorks |
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| Subj:
Word Riddle... Amazing! (S528c)
From: gordonschuk on 3/1/2007 (Also see 'Find A Word Riddle #13' in Riddles) |
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There is a common English word
that is nine letters long.
Each time you remove a letter
from it, it still remains
an English word-from nine letters
right down to a single
letter. What is the original
word, and what are the words
that it becomes after removing
one letter at a time?
This is a 2,100 KB movie of
this riddle. You can view it
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Find
A 12 Letter Word (S555)
From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 9/5/2007
Source: http://www.apuzzlezone.com/adailypuzzle/09-05-07.html
Find a common 12 letter English
word containing three P's,
two R's, two A's, one O, one
E, one D, one T, and one other
vowel.
The solution can be found at the source above.
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Subj: Forgotten
Words (S503b)
From: flovilla on 9/13/2006
I came across this phrase in
a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS."
A term I haven't heard in a
long time and thinking about
"FENDER SKIRTS" started me thinking
about other words that
quietly disappear from our language
with hardly a notice.
Like "CURB FEELERS" and "STEERING
KNOBS". Since I'd been
thinking of cars, my mind naturally
went that direction first.
Kids will probably have to find
some elderly person over 50
to explain dome of these terms
to you.
Remember "CONTINENTAL KITS?"
They were rear bumper extenders
and "SPARE TIRE COVERS" that
were supposed to make any car
as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them
"EMERGENCY BRAKES?" At some
point "PARKING BRAKE" became
the proper term. But I miss
the hint of drama that went
with "EMERGENCY BRAKE".
I'm sad too, that almost all
the old folks are gone who
would call the "ACCELERATOR"
the "FOOT FEED".
Didn't you ever wait at the street
for your daddy to come
home, so you could ride the
"RUNNING BOARD" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the
time in my youth but never
hear anymore - "STORE-BOUGHT."
Of course, just about every-
thing is "STORE-BOUGHT" these
days. But once it was bragging
material to have a "STORE-BOUGHT"
dress or "STORE-BOUGHT" bag
of candy.
"COAST TO COAST" is a phrase
that once held all sorts of
excitement and now means almost
nothing. Now we take the
term "WORLD WIDE" for granted.
This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "WALL-TO-WALL"
was once a magical term
in our homes. In the '50s,
everyone covered his or her
hardwood floors with, wow "WALL-TO-WALL"
carpeting! Today,
everyone replaces their "WALL-TO-WALL"
carpeting with
hardwood floors. Go figure!
When's the last time you heard
the quaint phrase "IN A
FAMILY WAY?" It's hard
to imagine that the word "PREGNANT"
was once considered a little
too graphic, a little too
clinical for use in polite company.
So we had all that
talk about stork visits and
"BEING IN THE FAMILY WAY" or
SIMPLY "EXPECTING"
Apparently "BRASSIERE" is a word
no longer in usage. I
said it the other day and my
daughter cracked up, I guess
it's just "BRA" now "UNMENTIONABLES"
probably wouldn't be
understood at all.
I always loved going to the "PICTURE
SHOW", but I considered
"MOVIE" an affection.
Most of these words go back to
the '50s, but here's a pure-
'60's word I came across the
other day- "RAT FINK". Ooh,
what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss- "PERCOLATOR".
That was just a fun
word to say. And what
was it replaced with? "COFFEE MAKER".
How dull. Mr.Coffee, I
blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing
words that were meant to
sound so modern and now sound
so retro. Words like "DYNAFLOW"
and "ELECTROLUX." Introducing
the 1963 Admiral TV, now
with "SPECTRAVISION!"
Food for thought- was there a
telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore.
Maybe that's what Castor
Oil cured, because I never hear
mothers threatening kids with
Caster Oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are
definitely on the endangered
list. The one that grieves
me most is "SUPPER". Now everybody
says "DINNER."
Save a great word. Invite
someone to supper. Discuss "Fender
SKIRTS."
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Subj:
Frazz Comic Strip (S620b)
by Jef Mallett From: Creators.com on 11/23/2009 |
In this episode janitor Edwin
Frazier and a student discuss
poetry and the different parts
of speech. Click 'HERE'to
see this cute comic strip.
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Subj: Modern
Shakespeare (S427b)
From: jbcary1 on 4/5/2005
William Shakespeare was a very
wise man. But you'd never know
it because he used such fancy-schmancy
words. Now our crack
team of cunning linguists has
translated a number of Shake-
speare's quotes into modern
day English. It's about time we
were all able to enjoy the wit
and wisdom of this oddly
groomed scribe.
Self-love, my liege, is not so
vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate
more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops
earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from
simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex
with your girlfriend during
her period.
The first thing we do, let's
kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all
the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to
your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep
with your sister because your
friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than
the lark because his feathers
are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers
get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those
numbing creams if you have to.
Or try wearing five condoms
at once.
I can express no kinder sign
of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better
than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters
of their fate.
Translation: Get married and
you're screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel
of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking
buddies say she's really a man,
listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue,
I say, is no man, if with his
tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate
to impress her, you can
always resort to oral sex.
Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would
you explain that Pamela Anderson
video?
O, flatter me, for love delights
in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily
the best policy when
it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never
did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone,
always wear a
protective cup.
I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me
to call the day after.
Alas, poor world, what treasure
hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have
actually been outlawed in some
parts of the country.
Love's gentle spring doth always
fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help
from our friends at
Massengill, that is.
Praising what is lost, makes
the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling
your buddies about your
conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
'Tis better to be brief than
tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.
My endeavors have ever come too
short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had
twins and you never will.
Get over it.
John Cary
Advanced Reliability Technologies,
LLC
www.AdvancedReliability.com
925-368-5646
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Subj: Bush
Deploys Vowels To Bosnia (S339b)
From: christyhenning on 7/22/2003
WORLD NEWS:
BUSH DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA:
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny
to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session
of Congress yesterday,
President Bush announced U.S.
plans to deploy over 75,000
vowels to the war-torn region
of Bosnia. The deployment,
the largest of its kind in American
history, will provide
the region with the critically
needed letters A,E,I,O and
U, and is hoped to render countless
Bosnian names more
pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood
by while names like Ygrjvslhv
and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been
horribly butchered by
millions around the world,"
Bush said. "Today, the United
States must finally stand up
and say 'Enough.' It is time
the people of Bosnia finally
had some vowels in their
incomprehensible words.
The U.S. is proud to lead the
crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed Operation
Vowel Storm by the State
Department, is set for early
next week, with the Adriatic
port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and
Grzny slated to be the first
recipients. Two C-130
transport planes, each carrying over
500 24-count boxes of "E's,"
will fly from Andrews Air
Force Base across the Atlantic
and airdrop the letters over
the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv
eagerly await the arrival
of the vowels. "My goodness,
I do not think we can last
another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln,
44, said. "I have six
children and none of them has
a name that is understandable
to me or to anyone else.
Mr. Bush, please send my poor,
wretched family just one 'E.'
Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv
resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With
just a few key letters, I
could be George Humphries.
This is my dream."
If the initial airlift is successful,
Bush said the United
States will go ahead with full-scale
vowel deployment, with
C-130's airdropping thousands
more letters over every area
of Bosnia. Other nations
are expected to pitch in as well,
including 10,000 British "A's"
and 6,500 Canadian
"U's."Japan, rich in A's and
O's, was asked to participate,
but declined.
"With these valuable letters,
the people of war-ravaged
Bosnia will be able to make
some terrific new words," Bush
said. "It should be very
exciting for them, and much
easier for us to read their
maps."
Linguists praise the U.S.'s decision
to send the vowels.
For decades they have struggled
with the hard consonants
and difficult pronunciation
of most Slavic words. "Vowels
are crucial to construction
of all language," Baylor
University linguist Noam Frankel
said. "Without them, it
would be difficult to utter
a single word, much less
organize a coherent sentence.
Please, just don't get me
started on the moon-man languages
they use in those Eastern
European countries."
According to Frankel, once the
Bosnians have vowels, they
will be able to construct such
valuable sentences as: "The
potatoes are ready"; "I believe
it will rain"; and "Please,
where is the washroom?"
The airdrop represents the largest
deployment of any letter
to a foreign country since 1984.
During the summer of that
year, the U.S. shipped 92,000
consonants to Ethiopia,
providing cities like Ouaouoaua,
Eaoiiuae, and Aao with
vital, life-giving supplies
of L's, S's and T's. The
consonant-relief effort failed,
however, when vast
quantities of the letters were
intercepted and hoarded by
violent, gun-toting warlords.
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(S638c)
by John Graziano From: Comics.com on 3/20/2009 |
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Subj: Romeo
And Juliet-Net Txt Version (S333b)
From: DafterLafter on 5/29/2003
--------------------- Act 1 -----------------------
Login:
Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat?
Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?
Romeo: Outside yr window.
Juliet: Stalker!
Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling
jiggy.
Juliet: B careful. My family
h8 u.
Romeo: Tell me about it.
What about u?
Juliet: 'm up for marriage f
u are.. Is tht a bit fwd?
Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh,
dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9?
Juliet: Luv U xxxx
Romeo: CU then xxxx
--------------------- Act 2 -----------------------
Friar: Do u?
Juliet: I do
Romeo: I do
--------------------- Act 3 -----------------------
Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's
the nightingale not the lark.
Romeo: OK
Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!.
It's the lark. U gotta go.
Or die.
Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't
hv wasted Tybalt ? gt banished.
Juliet: When CU again?
Romeo: Soon. Promise.
Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu.
Juliet: Miss u big time.
--------------------- Act 4 -----------------------
Nurse: Yr mum says u have
2 marry Paris!!
Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk.
n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom.
--------------------- Act 5 -----------------------
Friar: Really? O no. U
wl have 2 take potion
that makes u look ded.
Juliet: Gr8.
--------------------- Act 6 -----------------------
Romeo: J-why r u not returning
my texts?
Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad
but phone still works.
Romeo: TEXT ME!
Batty: Bad news. J dead.
Sorry m8.
--------------------- Act 7 -----------------------
Romeo: J-wish u wr able
2 read this...am now poisoning ?
and climbing in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx
--------------------- Act 8 -----------------------
Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive!
Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh...
Friar: Vry bad situation.
Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always.
Dagger.
Ow!!!
Logout.......!
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| Subj:
Word Riddle II (S639c)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 3/12/2009 Photo
from TPTB.co.uk...
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These are well known sayings
some of us use week in,
week out. How well can
you translate them?
1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.
2. Members of an avian species
of
identical
plumage congregate.
3. Surveillance should precede salutations.
4. Pulchritude poses possesses
solely
cutaneous
profundity
5. It is fruitless to become
lachrymose
over precipitately
departed lacteal fluid.
6. Freedom from incrustations
of grime
is contiguous
to rectitude.
7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.
8. It is fruitless to attempt
to indoctrinate a
superannuated
canine with innovative maneuvers.
9. Eschew the implement of correction
of vitiate
the scion.
10. The temperature of the aqueous
content of an
unremittingly
ogled saucepan does not does reach 100C?.
11. All articles that coruscate
with
resplendence
are not truly auriferous.
12. Where there are visible vapors
in ignited
carbonaceous
material, there is conflagration.
13. Sorting on the part of mendicants
must be interdicted.
14. A plethora of individual
with expertise in
culinary
techniques vitiate the potable
concoctions
produced by steeping certain
comestibles.
15. Eleemosynary deeds have their incipience intramurally.
16. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.
17. Individuals who make their
abode in vitreous
edifices
would be advised to refrain from
catapulting
petrous projectiles.
18. Neophyte's serendipity.
19. Exclusive dedication to necessitous
chores
without interludes
of hedonistic diversion
renders John
a habatudinous fellow.
20. A revolving lithic conglomerate
accumulates no
congeries
of a small, green bryophytic plant.
21. A person presenting the ultimate
cachinnation
possess thereby
the optimal cachinnation.
22. Abstention from any aleatory
undertakings
precludes
a potent potential escalation
of lucrative
nature.
23. Missiles of ligneous or petrous
consistency
have the
potential of fracturing my osseous
structures
but appellations will eternally
name innocuous.
Click 'HERE'
to view the answers.
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Subj: More
Short English Jokes
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Subj:
Uncle Art's Funland (S659b)
By N.A.Nugent From: UnitedFeatures.com on 8/23/2009 |
| Subj:
Uncle Art's Funland II (S645c)
By N.A.Nugent From: UnitedFeatures.com on 5/3/2009 |
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Drawing from UnitedFeatures.com |
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Subj:
Uncle Art's Funland III (S666b)
By N.A.Nugent From: UnitedFeatures.com on 10/11/2009 |
| Subj:
Uncle Art's Funland IV (S683b)
By N.A.Nugent From: UnitedFeatures.com on 2/14/2010 |
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Drawing from UnitedFeatures.com |
| Subj:
Importance Of Learning English (S639c)
From: tom on 4/6/2009 Photo from
Flickr...
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Subj:
One Big Happy Comic Strip (S631c)
by Rick Detorie From: Creators.com on 2/9/2009 |
| Subj:
A Lick And A Promise (S625c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/31/2008 Photo from
Comics
and Sketches...
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Subj:
Bizarro Comic Strip (S622c in Phone-Supp)
by Dan Piraro From: WashingtonPost.com on 12/13/2008 |
Top
Subj: Grammer
Lesson (S350)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 10/13/2003
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence
starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always
say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the
ninth letter of the alphabet."
| Subj:
Text Reversal (S569b)
From: TextReversal on 12/16/2007 Photo from
Link.BrightCove.com...
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Top
Subj: Grammar
Problem (S504c)
From: curiouser on 9/18/2006
Source: http://www.curiouser.co.uk/uk/index.htm
Can you make the words below
into grammatically correct
English simply by adding punctuation?
You may not change
the word order, or add or remove
any words. You may
replace lower case with upper
case letters.
Alex while Emily
had had had had had had had
had had had
had a better effect on the teacher
A solution is provided at the
source above.
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Subj:
Shakespeare-Battleship Comic Strip (S545c)
From: WashingtonPost.com on 6/24/2007 |
Top
Subj: Words
As Nouns And Verbs (S486b)
From: igiggle on 5/17/2006
After I explained to my sophomore
English class that party
is a noun, not a verb, several
students argued that since
everybody uses the word as a
verb, it should be acceptable.
"Okay," I said. "Give me some good examples."
"How about Shakespeare?"
Josh replied. "Remember, Juliet
tells Romeo that partying is
such sweet sorrow."
~~ Reader's Digest
| Subj:
Encyclopedias And Dictionaries Online
By Danielle Hollister From: igiggle on 1/23/2006 (S471c) |
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Top
Subj: How
To Write Badly But Readable (S346, S528c)
From: woneye on 9/16/2003
and
From: darrell94590 on 3/6/2007
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an
Elingsh
uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers
in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer is at the
rghit pclae. The rset can be
a toatl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs
is bcuseae we do not raed ervey
lteter by it slef but the wrod
as a wlohe.
This is wondefull to ear.
Now us lexdysics will be able to
right hour oan grate bks.
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Subj:
How To Write Badly But Readable II (S545c)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 6/23/2007 |
Top
Subj: Bad
Writing Contest (S341b)
From: holmeskd on 7/21/2003
The "Bad Writing Contest" that
is an annual contest at
San Jose state. See the winners
at their web site.
http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2003.htm
| Subj:
Agnes Comic Strip (S650)
by Tony Cochran From: Creators.com on 6/26/2009 |
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Subj:
One Big Happy Comic Strip V (S640c)
by Rick Detorie From: Creators.com on 4/16/2009 |
From: DafterLafter on 6/14/2003 (S333b)
Some people say that I must
be a horrible person, but that's
not at all true. I have
the heart of a young boy. ... In a
jar.... On my desk. --
Steven King
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/3/2003 (S336b)
Words are, of course, the most
powerful drug used by
mankind. -- Rudyard Kipling
(1865 - 1936)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/16/2003 (S345b)
Most people would succeed in
small things,
if they were not troubled with
great ambitions.
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
(1807 - 1882)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/31/2006
(S472b)
"Necessity may be the mother
of invention, but
play is certainly the father."
-- Roger von Oech
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on
5/16/2006 (S486b)
A classic is something that
everybody wants to have read
and nobody wants to read.
-- Mark Twain
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/8/2006
(S486b)
"You see things; and you say,
'Why?' But I dream
things that never were; and
I say, 'Why not?"
-- George Bernard
Shaw
From: catlynnbray on 8/14/2006 (S490b)
"He can compress the most words
into the smallest idea
of any man I know." --
Abraham Lincoln
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/18/2002 (S281b
in Tho-Learn-Supp)
The man who goes alone can start
today; but he who
travels with another must wait
till that other is ready.
-- Henry David Thoreau
(1817-1862)
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/28/2006 (S515b
in Tho-Learn-Supp)
"Go confidently in the direction
of your dreams.
Live the life you have imagined."
-- Henry David Thoreau
From: ginafm on 8/27/2009 (S659b)
Was learning cursive really
necessary?
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/1/2010 (S681b)
"Have a heart that never hardens,
a temper that never tries,
and a touch that never hurts."
-- Charles Dickens
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