English Language Jokes
(Includes 74 jokes and articles, 13 1095,12,cL3f,wYT2b7a,3)
Click "Here" for English-Supp
Turnong Book from
The Teachers Lounge
Also see BAR-SUPP file- 'Bad
Grammar Coffee Mug'
BASKETBALL - 'The 3 Rs And Basketball'
BATHROOM-GRFF- 'The Sink At IBM's Watson Center'
BIRDS file - 'The End of the Raven'
BOTTLE CAPS - 'Read Books... Not Bottlecaps'
BRAINTEASERS - 'The History Of Crossword Puzzles'
BRAINTSR-SUPP- 'Can You Read These Two Message?'
......................- 'Bizarro Sunday Puzzle #2'
CLINTON-SCDL1- 'The Tragic Comedie Of King Leer'
COMPUTERS4 - 'Young Man Wanter To Be A Writer'
CONTRACTOR - 'Construction Tongue Twister'
COWBOY file - 'Boy Sees His First Cowboy'
DIFFERENCES2 - 'Gender Language Differences'
......................- 'She/He Definitions'
DIFFERENCES3 - 'Blondie Comic Strip'
ELDERLY4-SUPP- 'Word Of The Day: Exhaustipated - Button'
FOOD_ETC file- 'MacDonald's Soliloquy'
FUCK file - 'Word Exchange'
HANDICAP-SUPP- 'The Power Of Words' - Video
.........HEADLINS-ADDS- 'The Newspapers'
HUNTING-CAMP - 'Camping Store Sign'
.........JEWISH1 file - 'Hebronics'
JOB-STUF-SUP2- 'Aqua-Thermal Treatment'
.........KIDS4 file - 'Woman Gives Up Twins'
LATIN file - 'Dead Poet's Society - Carpe Diem'
LETTERS1 file- (the whole file)
LETTERS2 file- (the whole file)
LIBRARY file - 'The Future Of Publishing' - Video
LISTS file - 'Top Ten Rejected Dr. Seuss Books'
......................- 'World's Shortest Books'
LOVE file....- 'Forbidden Love II'
MATH4 file - 'PUZZLE - Seven Puzzles'
MIDDLE_EAST - 'Shakespeare On Iraq'
NATIVE AMERCN- 'Priest Teaches Indian English'
OTHER_NATIONL- 'Swiss Meets Two Americans'
POETRY file - 'Cute Poem About Spell Checkers'
......................- (See whole file)
POETRY-SUPP - 'Poem By Taylor Mali' - Video
PENIS-SUPP - 'Happy And Sad In The Same Sentence'
PL-CINT-SCLD2- 'Buying Titanic Or My Life'
PREACHER - 'Three Boys Discuss Their Dad's Ability To Write'
QUOT-COMEDIAN- 'Elon Gold On Accents' - Video
QUOT-COMD_SUP- 'George Carlin - Seven Dirty Words' - Video
RIDDLES file - 'A What Am I Riddle #15'
......................- 'Find A Word Riddle #1-13 '
......................- 'Find A Word Riddle #14-'
RIDDLE SUPP2 - 'Jonathan Swift's Clever Puzzle-Poem'
......................- 'Word Square'
SAILOR file - 'Why Is It We Have To Speak English?'
SCHOOL1 file - 'Teacher Deals With Sexual Exhaustion'
.........SCHOOL-SUPP - 'Using 'I' IN A Sentence'
SHIT file - 'Interesting Word Origin'
SOUTHERN - 'The Yankee or Dixie Quiz'
STORIES file - 'Snoopy Writes A Best Seller' - Comic Strip
TESTS1 file - 'Puzzles Of Names'
......................- 'Word Puzzles'
......................- 'Intriguing Intelligence Test'
THO-LRN-SUPP2- 'Frazz Comic Strip'
THOUGHTS-SLLY- 'Silly Questions'
THOUGHTS-QOTS- 'Why Are Things The Way They Are?'
WORD_JOKES2 - 'Chevy Nova Awards'
- 'Microsoft 'Word' Oddities'
......................- 'Three Words Ending in "gry"'
......................- 'Word Puzzle' - Sign
WORD_JOKES-SUP- 'Every Time You Make A Typo' - Button
Subj: I Love Lucy - Ricky Learns English (S1004)
From: Keith Murray in 2016 (d-iFrame)
.Click 'HERE' to see this cute skit on the 'I Love Lucy' TV show.
Subj: Cute English Sentences
Tom, where Bill had had "had"
had had "had had".
"Had had" had been correct.
Wouldn't the sentence "I want
to put a hyphen between the
words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish and Chips
sign" have been clarer if quotation marks had been placed
before Fish, and between Fish and and and and and And and
And and and and and and And and And and and and and and
Chips, as well as after Chips?
In order to make sense of "this
you must remove the quotes from "it".
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (S622c in Phone-Supp)
by Dan Piraro in 2008
FUCK! Our Most
Fm: rfslick (in Fuck)
.........in 2007 (S547d-iFrame)
This old video describes our
most versatile word
in the English language. You can watch it by
clicking 'HERE'. Watch it till the end for an
Subj: No Wonder English Is So Difficult To Learn (S158, S520c)
From: smiles on 02/08/2000
and From: darrell94590 on 1/5/2007
No wonder English is difficult to learn:
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head
of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Subj: Frank And Ernest Cartoon II (S825)
By Bob Thaves on 10/1/2012
Subj: Singlar And Plural In English (S207)
From: spyda on 1/19/2001
and From: Ft.Apache on 7/18/2011
Why English Is So Hard
We'll begin with a box,
and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen,
Then one fowl is goose,
but two are called geese.
Yet the plural of moose
should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse
or a whole lot of mice.
But the plural of house is houses,
If the plural of man
is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan
be called pen?
The cow in a plural
may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows,
And I speak of foot,
and you show me your feet,
But I give you a boot ...
would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth
and the whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth
be called beeth?
If the singular is this
and the plural is these,
Should the plural of kiss
be nicknamed kese?
Then one may be that,
and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat
would never be hose.
We speak of a brother,
and also of brethern,
But though we say mother,
we never say methern.
The masculine pronouns are
he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine
she, shis and shim!
So our English,
I think you'll all agree,
Is the trickiest language
you ever did see.
Subj: Thesaurus Joke/Cartoon (S1035)
Created by Scott Hilburn
From: Siretta Tuttle in 2016
Word Facts (S108, S599c)
From: RFSlick on 99-02-14
and From: tom in 2008
You can view these twenty-one,
interesting 'word facts'
with pictures by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: If English Words Had Gender (S261)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/28/2002
(Also see 'Male Or Female?' in MENQUESTIONS)
From the Washington Post Style
Invitation, in which it
was postulated that English should have male and female
nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns
of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because
even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its
time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they
always go to the bathroom in
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because
to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the
hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they
are soft and squeezable and
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually
unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.
COPIER: Female, because once
turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive
device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can
wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they
hold everything in, but
you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses
the same old lines to pick
HOURGLASS: Female, because over
time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't
evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you
thought I'd say male.
But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost with-
out it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons
to push,he keeps trying.
Subj: B.C. Comic Strip (S1055)
By Mastroianni and Hart in 2017
Subj: New Definitions For Old Words (S284, S800)
From: kgilmour2000 on 5/11/2012
(See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray'-ter :
A cook that leaves
Arby's to work at McDonald's.
: What a bullfighter
tries to do.
Bernadette burn'-a-det' : The
act of torching a
Burglarize bur'-gler-ize' : What a crook sees with.
Control kon'-trol : A short, ugly inmate.
: Workers who put
together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse ee-klips' : What
a Cockney barber does for
Eyedropper i'-drop-ur : A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee-rhos' : What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left' bangk'
: What the robber did when
his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis-tee' : How golfers create divots.
Paradox par'-u-doks' : Two physicians.
Parasites par'-ih-sites' : What
you see from the top
of the EiffelTower.
Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist : A helper on the farm.
Polarize po'-lur-ize' : What penguins see with.
Primate pri'-mate' : Removing
your spouse from in
front of the TV.
Relief ree-leef' : What trees do in the spring.
Selfish sel'-fish' : What
the owner of a seafood
Subdued sub-dood' : Like,
a guy who, like, works on
one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed sood'-a-fed' :
Brought litigation against a
Subj: Washington Post Neologism Contest (S1096)
From: Bill Letterman on 1/12/2018
Subj: New Words For 2001 (S263b)
From: ICohen on 1/30/2002
and From: gheckman on 2/6/2002
(See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)
Each year the Washington Post's
Style Invitational asks
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a
new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting
a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation
about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the
author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously
when you are
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra
Karmageddon: It's like, when
everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency
of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon II (S739)
By Dan Piraro on 3/11/2011
Subj: Definitions for The New Year! (S258)
From: gheckman on 1/4/2002
(See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end
and a fool on the other.
Future tense of marriage.
An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the Students without passing
through the minds of either.
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water power...
The only place where success comes before work.
Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.
A book which people praise, but do not read.
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
A place where you can relax after your strenuous
The only time some married men ever get to open their
Subj: Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S773)
By Bob Thaves in 2011
Subj: Proper Punctuation Makes The Difference (S58)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #62 on 98-03-12
Proper Punctuation (read each
version carefully, it's the
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are
generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you
admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me
for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings what-
soever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you
let me be yours? Sheila
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are
generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me.
For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings what-
soever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will
you let me be? Yours, Sheila
Subj: I Before E (S975)
From: Floyd Stiewig on Facebook on 9/21/2015
Subj: Green Eggs And Hamlet
by Tim Hnetka
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
I ask to be, or not to be.
That is the question, I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle is boffing my dear, sweet mother.
Would I, could I take my life?
Could I, should I end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself in front of a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try self immolation?
To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Should I slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it help to end my angst and wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
I could drop an appliance into my tub.
Would everyone be happy, if I were dead?
Could I maybe kill them instead?
This line of thought takes consideration.
After all, I'm the king of procrastination.
Subj: Memory Training
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-04
The teacher was describing a
new system of memory-training
to the class. "It's like this," she said. "Suppose you
want to remember the name of a poet, for instance, Robert
Burns. Let's call him Bobby Burns. Now fix in your mind
a picture of a London policeman, a bobby, in flames. See
-- Bobby Burns."
"I see what you mean, teacher,"
said a boy. "But how can
you tell if it's not Robert Browning?"
Double Negative (S42d, S895)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-11
Drawing from Ivman's Blague...
A linguistics professor was lecturing
to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the
room piped up, "Yeah, right."
||to see three cartoons/jokes about "Double Negatives"|
Subj: Vowel Riddle (S241b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/14/2001
There are several English words that contain all the 5
vowels. Can you name some of them?
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
Education, Euphoria, Precarious, Pneumonia,
Adventitious and Unequivocal.
Subj: The Tilde (S120)
From: smiles on 5/23/99
As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a "tilde:.
Walt Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's
usage, and until his death he devoted untold hours making
others aware of it's potential. So today, as I use that
little button on the upper left of my keyboard, I often
feel like ... Walt's in my tilde.
Subj: The Apostrophe (S107)
From: smiles on 99-02-11
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you
mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers.
It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and
likewise yours and theirs.
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
Subj: A Concise Essay (S126, S486b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #218 on 97-10-10
and From: darrell94590 on 5/13/2006
A university creative writing class was asked to write a
concise essay containing these four elements:
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen.
"I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Subj: English Professor And Punctuation (S126)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-09
An English Professor wrote the words, "woman without her
man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students
to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman:
Without her, man is a savage."
Subj: Number Of Words (S183)
From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:
My Favorite Haiku
Writing a short poem
with seventeen syllables
is very diffi
Twisted Greeting Cards
by Alan Meiss, email@example.com
I must express my gratitude
for such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
only by your thrift.
It's clear that you spared all expense,
if you catch my drift.
Remove the anti-theft device
when you again shoplift.
The combination "ough" can be
pronounced in nine
different ways. The following sentence contains
them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful
ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough;
after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The longest word in the English
language, according to the
Oxford English Dictionary, is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only
other word with the same amount of letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones
are the largest anagrams.
The verb "cleave" is the only
English word with two synonyms
which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The only 15 letter word that
can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain
all the vowels in the
correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing
Goethe couldn't stand the sound of
barking dogs and could only
write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/18/2002 (S294b)
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
-- Goethe (1749-1832)
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
The 'y' in signs reading "ye
olde.." is properly pronounced
with a 'th' sound, not 'y'. The "th" sound does not exist in
Latin, so ancient Roman occupied (present day) England used
the rune "thorn" to represent "th" sounds. With the advent
of the printing press the character from the Roman alphabet
which closest resembled thorn was the lower case "y".
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
From: grs on 98-04-05
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
The quantity of consonants in
the English language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver and purple.
From: auntieg 98-05-09
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
There are only four words in
the English language which end
in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."
uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western
Union to test telex/twx communications)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #25 on 99-01-27
Editing is a rewording activity
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/9/2002 (S272c)
"Half the world is composed of people who have something
to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to
say and keep on saying it." -- Robert Frost
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/13/2006
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's
birthday but never remembers her age" -- Robert Frost
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/21/2002 (S273c)
"There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented
by a good teacher." -- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/29/2002 (S274c)
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has
to make sense." -- Tom Clancy
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/28/2002 (S278b)
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of
the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/6/2002 (S292b)
Never mistake motion for action.
-- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/6/2002 (S3001b)
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
-- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/7/2002
They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us,
but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes
in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with
a higher grade of manure. -- Ernest Hemingway
From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006 (S489b)
"He has never been known to use a word that might
send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
From: catlynnbray 8/14/2006 (S490b)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from
big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/7/2002 (S292b)
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/19/2003 (S320b)
Wise men put their trust in ideas and not in circumstances.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/19/2003 (S335b
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
-- Emerson, Ralph Waldo
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/29/2003 (S335b)
What lies behind us and what lies before us
are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/9/2002 (S293b)
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
-- T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/27/2002 (S295b)
I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
-- A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/12/2002 (S297b)
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/18/2002
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers
from a lack of imagination." -- Oscar Wilde.
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/18/2002 (S307)
You are the same today that you are going to be five years
from now except for two things: the people with whom you
associate and the books you read. -- Charles Jones