>>> Subj:     Lies (Gz)                  (Includes 4 jokes and articles)

Three Monkeys from Mike's Animation

Also see GOD2 file    - 'Woodcutter Meets The Lord'
         GREEK file   - 'Socrates' Triple Filter Test'
         PREACHER file- 'Reverend Teaches Boys About Lieing'
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Subj:     Officer Pulls Over Guy For Speeding (S319)
          From: jtgalvan on 1/8/2003

 A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the
 following exchange:

 Officer: May I see your driver's license?

 Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my
         5th DUI

 Officer: The registration for the vehicle please?

 Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

 Officer: The car is stolen?

 Driver: That's right.  But come to think of it, I think I
         saw the registration in the glove box when I was
         putting my gun in there.

 Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

 Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and
         killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed
         her in the trunk.

 Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

 Driver: Yes, sir.

 Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
 The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
 approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

 Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

 Driver: Sure. Here it is.

 It was valid.

 Captain: Who's car is this?

 Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

 Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see
          if there's a gun in it?

 Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

 Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

 Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?  I was told
          you said there's a body in it.

 Driver: No problem.

 The trunk was opened; no body.

 Captain: I don't understand it.  The officer who stopped
          you said you told him you didn't have a license,
          stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and
          that there was a dead body in the trunk.

 Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     How To Win Arguments (S249)
          From: Cypriot on 11/1/2001

 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can
 win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People
 know this, and steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a
 sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
 You too can win arguments.  Simply follow these rules:
 

 * Drink Liquor.

 Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is
 expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know
 nothing about.  If you're drinking some health-fanatic
 drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to
 display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your
 date.  But if you drink several large martinis, you'll
 discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.
 You'll be a WEALTH of information.  You'll argue forcefully,
 offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture.
 People will be impressed.  Some may leave the room.
 

 * Make things up.

 Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying
 to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base
 solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're
 damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be
 better off.  DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."
 Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars
 adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum,
 which is $836.07 below the mean gross poverty level."

 NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

 If an opponent asks you where you got your information,
 make THAT up, too.  Say: "This information comes from Dr.
 Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published
 May 9, 1982.  Didn't you read it?"  Say this in the same
 tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled
 underwear in my bath house."
 

 * Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

 Memorize this list:
   Let me put it this way
   In terms of
   Vis-a-vis
   Per se
   As it were
   Qua
   So to speak

 You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as
 "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e."  These are all short for "I
 speak Latin, and you do not."

 Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you
 want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers
 more often, but they don't have enough money."  You never
 win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if you
 say:
    "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-
     vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order
     them more often, so to speak, but they do not have
     enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

 Only a fool would challenge that statement.
 

 * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

 You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to
 fire back at your opponents when they make valid points.
 The best are:
   You're begging the question.
   You're being defensive.
   Don't compare apples and oranges.
   What are your parameters?

 This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody, other than
 mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

 Here's how to use your comebacks:
   You say, "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
   Your opponents says, "Lincoln died in 1865."
   You say "You're begging the question."

 OR

   You say, "Liberians, like most Asians..."
   Your opponents says, "Liberia is in Africa."
   You say, "You're being defensive."

 So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.

 Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Biggest Lies (S41)
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page

 The check is in the mail.
 I'll respect you in the morning.
 I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
 It's only a cold sore.
 You get this one, I'll pay next time.
 My wife doesn't understand me.
 Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
 Of course I love you.
 I am getting a divorce.
 Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
 I never inhaled.
 It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
 I never watch television except for PBS.
 .but we can still be good friends.
 She means nothing to me.
 Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge
    is on "empty."
 I gave at the office.
 Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
 I'll call you later.
 We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
 Read my lips: no new taxes
 I've never done anything like this before
 Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
 It's supposed to make that noise.
 I *love* your new <hat/haircut/dress/suit...>!
 Just take a left after the lights -- you can't miss it.
 Yes, I did.
 Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     New Greatest Lies
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/26/99

 In addition to the old lines about "The check is in the mail"
 and "Certainly, I'll respect you in the morning," modern
 events have made for modern lies to take their place among
 the classics.  Following are some of the "new" classics:

 Don't worry -- we'll be putting out the Y2K upgrade next week.
 I did not have sex with that woman.
 I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of
    my wife Nicole and Ron Goldman.
 The engine is supposed to make that noise.
 Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Short Lies

From: igiggle on 1/10/2006 (S468b - political2)

 "If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."
    -- Mark Twain

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Smiley tells lies from Smiley_Central

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