(Includes 3 jokes and articles)
Bookwork from
Millanimations
| Subj:
Funny Lists-Supp (Gz)
(Includes 3 jokes and articles) |
|
Bookwork from Millanimations |
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Subj: Top
10 Reasons There Are No Black NASCAR Drivers (S450b)
From: darrell94590 on 8/31/2005
David Letterman's top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers!!
10) HAVE TO SIT UPRIGHT WHILE DRIVING.
9) PISTOL WON'T STAY UNDER FRONT SEAT.
8) ENGINES DROWN OUT THE RAP MUSIC.
7) PIT CREW CAN'T WORK ON CAR
WHILE HOLDING UP
PANTS AT
THE SAME TIME.
6) THEY KEEP TRYING TO CARJACK DALE, JR.
5) POLICE CARS ON TRACK INTERFERE WITH RACE.
4) NO PASSENGER SEAT FOR THE HO.
3) THERE ARE NO SPONSORS FOR CADILLAC.
2) CAN'T WEAR HELMET SIDEWAYS.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR:
1) WHEN THEY CRASH THEIR CAR
THEY BAIL OUT AND RUN
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Subj: 30 Harsh
Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man (S361b)
From: The-Jokes.com
at http://www.the-jokes.com/listjokes.php?id=Best
1. I've smoked fatter joints
than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery
to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face
on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so
big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around
it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze
it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll
grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take
long.
18. I never saw one like that
before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in
natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right
to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk
first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have
so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air
pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed
to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the
'early bird.
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Subj: Martha
Stewart Type List (S292b)
From: mombear1 on 8/29/2002
1. Budweiser beer conditions
the hair
2. Pam cooking spray will dry
finger nail polish
3. Cool Whip will condition
your hair in 15 min
4. Mayonnaise will kill lice;
it will also condition your hair.
5. Spike your hair (with Close-Up
tooth paste, it will
also give
it a tint)
6. Elmer's Glue - paint on
your face, allow it to dry,
peel off
and see the dead skin and blackheads.
7. Shiny hair-use brewed Lipton
Tea.
8. Sunburn - empty a large
jar of Nestea into your bath water
9. Minor burn - Colgate or
Crest toothpaste
10. Burn your tongue? Put sugar
on it!
11. Arthritis? WD-40! Spray
the area and rub it in; kills
insect stings
too. It was demonstrated. Guess it's no
worse than
some of the chemicals we are exposed to.
12. Bee stings - meat tenderizer
(that one is well known)
13. Chigger bite - Preparation
H
14. Puffy eyes - Preparation
H
15. Paper cut - Krazy Glue or
Chap Stick. Glue is used
instead of
sutures at most hospitals.
16. Sore nipples - (Nursing
Mothers) Chap Stick or a wet
Lipton tea
bag.
17. Stinky feet - Jell-O!! A
woman said she actually had
stinky feet
and her feet were put in a pan of Jell-O!
18. Athlete feet - cornstarch
19. Fungus on toenails or fingernails
Vick's Vapor Rub
20. Kool-Aid to clean dishwasher
pipes. Just put in the
detergent
section and run a cycle, it will also clean
a toilet....and
we drink this stuff.
21. Kool-Aid also can be used
as a dye in paint.
22. Kool-Aid in Dannon plain
yogurt as a finger paint,
"Your kids
will love it and it won't hurt them if
they eat
it!"
23. Peanut butter - will get
scratches out of CD's! Wipe
off with
a coffee filter paper.
24. Sticking bicycle chain -
Pam no-stick cooking spray
25. Pam will also remove paint,
and grease from your hands!
Keep a can
in your garage for your hubby.
26. Peanut butter will remove
ink from the face of dolls.
27. When the doll clothes are
hard to put on, sprinkle with
cornstarch
and watch them slide on.
28. Heavy dandruff - pour on
the vinegar!
29. Body paint - Crisco mixed
with food coloring. Heat the
Crisco in
the microwave, pour into an empty film container
and mix with
the food color of your choice!
30. Tie Dyed T-Shirt - mix a
solution of Kool-Aid in a
container,
tie a rubber band around a section of the
t-shirt and
soak.
31. Stress buster - preferably
for a work group - take a
roll of scotch
tape and a packet of straws and build
a tower without
talking to each other!
32. Preserving a newspaper clipping
- large bottle of club
soda and
1/2 cup of Milk of Magnesia, soak for 20 min
and let dry,
will last for years!
33. A Slinky will hold toast
and CD's!
34. To keep goggles and glasses
from fogging, coat with
Colgate toothpaste.
35. Stay-Free Maxi Pads- clean
window, floors, just stick
to the palm
of your hands and work! Can also be used
as knee pad.
36. Pampers as an absorbent!
Remove stains from the carpet
with club
soda, and a Pamper to absorb.
37. Wine stains, pour on the
Morton salt and watch it absorb
into the
salt.
38. To remove wax, take a paper
towel and iron it over the
wax stain-it
will absorb into the towel.
39. Remove labels off glassware
etc. rub with peanut butter!
40. Baked on food-fill container
with water, get a sheet of
Bounce from
the laundry room and the static from the
Bounce towel
will cause the baked on food to adhere to
it. Soak
overnight. Also; you can use two Efferdent
tablets,
soak overnight!
41. Crayon on the wall - Colgate
toothpaste and brush it!
42. Dirty grout - Listerine
43. Stains on clothes - Colgate.
44. Grass stains - Karo Syrup!
45. Grease stains- Coca Cola,
it will also remove grease
stains from
the driveway overnight. We know it will
take corrosion
from batteries!
46. Sweat stains - Efferdent,
or vinegar
47. Use a Maxi-Pad in your cap
as a sweat band!
48. Fleas in your carpet? 20-Mule-Team
Borax-sprinkle and
let stand
for 24 hours.
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