Subj: Manners and Advice Supp
...........(Includes 11 jokes, 09 1117,8,cf,wXT2a5a,3)
Subj: B.C. Comic Strip (DU)
By Mastroianni and Hart in 2011
Madea Gives Relationship Advice
From: Nicole Mari Burris
in 2014 (S890d-On Site)
Tyler Perry's Madea gives relationship
advice in the Madea
Goes to Jail Stage Play from 2006. Madea tells how to
manage relationships! She details her theory, of people
being in your life for a reason, for a season, or for
a lifetime! Of course you can count on a bit of humor!
Click 'HERE' to hear Madea at her best.
Subj: Dear Missed Manners:
From: humorlist-digest V2 #89 in 1998
Dear Missed Manners: I recently
sent a gift to a friend as
a housewarming present. I have yet to receive a thank-you
note for the gift. Now I'm expected at another party that
she is throwing this weekend. What does proper decorum
dictate that I do, giftwise? - Generous in Geneva
Dear Generous in Geneva - Well,
well, well, you sent your
friend a gift and you didn't get a card. Wait, wait, let
me guess what kind of "housewarming gift" this was - an
assortment of soap samples from The Body Shop? One of
those little wooden boxes you take out every year to hold
all the beautiful Christmas cards you get from your
beautiful friends? Be lucky a thank-you note is all you
didn't get, because what you really deserve is a good swift
kick in the face, you bourgeois-perpetuating, neighborhood-
gentrifying, wish-you-could-live-your-life-in-Pier-1 piece
of shit. Proper decorum for the party dictates that you
bend down, pucker up and kiss your friend's rosy ass,
because they're one more friend than you deserve, you
Dear Missed Manners: After much
shopping, I have finally
found the perfect set of silverware. The only problem is
that they're so expensive, I've only been buying them one
utensil at a time - first, all the knives, then all the
spoons. We are hosting a dinner party in the upcoming
weeks, and I really want to show off the new silverware,
even though I don't have the full set. Do you think it
would be okay to mix in forks from another, similar set?
-- Curious in Cleveland
Dear Curious in Cleveland - (Pause)
Is this a fucking
joke? Did you really send me this letter? Did you
seriously sit down and spend thirty-two cents and twenty
minutes of your life to write this fucking thing, fold it,
put it in the fucking envelope and mail it to me? Is this
your miserable excuse for having problems in your life?
When your therapist charged you 150 bucks for the pleasure
of telling you things like, "vent your anxieties more," do
you really think this is what he had in mind?
Let me give you a problem you
should really worry about.
Like, how 'bout a guy who's got a college degree but is
almost about to get kicked out of his apartment because
he can't find anything but a lousy fucking $10 an hour
job? Or a guy that hasn't had sex in nine months 'cause
every time he gets close to a woman he finds some
arbitrary reason to reject her because the cumulative
stress of ex-girlfriends is slowly moving him to a phobia
of intimacy? Well? How you like them apples?
As for your culinary problems...
I have no idea. Why
don't you try plastic forks like the rest of us, you
Dear Missed Manners: My son has
come home from college
for the summer, and it seems we have a problem. So far,
he has spent almost every night out with his friends and
often will not come home until two in the morning. He
says that this is the schedule he keeps at school and he
is old enough to be making his own curfew. I say as long
as he's living under my roof, he lives by my rules. Help,
Missed Manners! - Father in Florida
Dear Father in Florida - (Long
pause) Ah, just go fuck
Dear Miss Manners: Well, it's
that time of year where the
spring wardrobes start coming out. With your many years
of etiquette advice, I thought you could give me some
historical background on what is proper attire for what
times of year, along with what current fashion dictates
for this year. - Style Aware in San Antonio
Dear Style Aware in San Antonio
- Jesus, has this entire
country become like my parents, terminally addicted to
Prozac? Wake up, people! Look, you all obviously don't
have a fuckin' clue, and I'm currently pretty high on
this speed I took earlier this afternoon, so let me now
lay out the truth to all of my miserable 644 syndicated
outlets of losers nationwide:
Missed Manners smoked four packs
of Virginia Slims a day
and died about two years ago of black lung disease. Then
the syndication boss got smart and finally realized that
Miss Manners doesn't say a whole hell of a lot, and that
they could probably hire a kid straight out of college
for about half the salary. Enter me, a 27 year old
journalism student whose only reason he's not waiting
tables is he can type eighty words a minute. They're
paying me $32,000 a year, which is more money than I've
ever seen in my life, and all I have to do is, as my boss
put it, "write some shit like 'put baking soda on that
stain' and 'politeness requires abstaining from off-color
jokes at the work place.'" Easy money, I thought.
But it's six months later and
every time I dare speak up,
that I have the audacity to mention, "You know, what we
do here is basically bullshit"; every time I mention that
there's a better way of doing business than pandering to
the lowest common denominator; every time my boss responds
with, "Your job is not to think - your job is to execute";
and every time my co-workers say, "Look, you're not in art
school anymore - this is the real world"; and every time
I'm made to believe that only in a fantasy world can you
pay your bills without completely whoring yourself - well,
that's another day that I go home with blood running
between my legs and I have to fashion a band-aid out of
the wads of cash I originally accepted in the first place
because they were supposed to free up my creative career.
So - no more. Today's the
day I slip my column past my
boss and out directly onto the wire and tell the world
that I will no longer take this ass fucking. So... for-
give me if I no longer feign an interest in your pathetic
little life that I never cared about in the first place.
Forgive me if I refuse to lie anymore at job interviews
and pretend like I want to work a corporate job the rest
of my life because I won't get hired any other way because
you sold your soul to the devil twenty years ago and now
won't hire anyone unless they make the same sacrifice.
Forgive me if I slap you across the face as hard as I can
every time you say, "Well, it sounds like you've pretty
much got a creative job, so what's the problem?" I no
longer have the strength to be Missed Manners. I can't
do it, and I won't do it.
As far as your question goes,
always remember the two
golden rules: never wear white before Memorial Day; and
only Eurotrash wear Speedos. Now get out of my face, you
fuckin' momma's boy, before I kick your ass.
Subj: Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S619b)
by Bob Thaves in 2008
Fruitcake Lady III
From: tom (S631, S794)
in 2009 2012 (d-On Site)
The video "Ask the Fruitcake
Lady III" was a crowd favorite
on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. You can see this cute
video by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Early Table Manners (S82, DU)
From: RFSlick in 1998
A Christian and philosopher and
educator, Erasmus of Rotterdam,
the greatest classical scholar of the northern Humanist of
Renaissance, determined that manners was the best instilled at an
early age. Here are some samples from his work, which was a best
seller for three centuries.
"On Civility in Children" (c.1530)
- "Turn away when spitting lest your
saliva fall on someone. If
anything purulent falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon,
lest it nauseate someone."
- "To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite.
It is better to use the table cloth or the serviette."
- "Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they have
sat down. Wolves do that."
- "You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has
been freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose,
to spread out your handkerchief and peer into it as if pearl and
rubies might have fallen out of your head."
- "If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around discreetly
and throw it somewhere."
- "Retain the wind by compressing the belly."
- "Do not be afraid of vomiting if you must; for it is not
vomiting but holding the vomit in your throat that is foul."
- "Do not move back and forth on your chair. Whoever does that
gives the impression of constantly breaking or trying to break
Subj: Garfield Comic Strip (S1068)
By Jim Davis in 2017
Subj: B.C. Comic Strip (DU)
By Mastroianni and Hart in 2015
Subj: Flapjack Flap (S625c)
From: aldavito in 2008
Claim: Mold that forms
in pancake mix can cause a life-
threatening allergic reaction.
DEAR ABBY: I recently made a
batch of pancakes for my
healthy 14-year-old son, using a mix that was in our
pantry. He said that they tasted "funny," but ate them
anyway. About 10 minutes later, he began having difficulty
breathing and his lips began turning purple. I gave him
his allergy pill, had him sit on the sofa and told him to
relax. He was wheezing while inhaling and exhaling. My
husband, a volunteer firefighter and EMT, heated up some
water, and we had my son lean over the water so the steam
could clear his chest and sinuses. Soon, his breathing
became more regular and his lips returned to a more normal
color. We checked the date on the box of pancake mix and,
to my dismay, found it was very outdated. As a reference
librarian at an academic institution, I have the ability
to search through many research databases. I did just
that, and found an article the next day that mentioned a
19-year-old male DYING after eating pancakes made with
outdated mix. Apparently, the mold that forms in old
pancake mix can be toxic! When we told our friends about
my son's close call, we were surprised at the number of
people who mentioned that they should check their own
pancake mix since they don't use it often, or they had
purchased it some time ago. With so many people shopping
at warehouse-type stores and buying large sizes of pancake
mix, I hope your readers will take the time to check the
expiration date on their boxes.
-- SUE IN WYANTSKILL, N.Y.
DEAR SUE: Thank you for the warning.
I certainly was not
aware that pancake mix could turn moldy and cause an
allergic reaction in someone with an allergy to mold
but it's logical. I wonder if the same holds true for
cake mix, brownie mix and cookie mix. If so, then a
warning should be placed on the box for people like me.
We hear so often about discarding
prescription and over-
the-counter medications after their expiration dates, but
I don't recall warnings about packaged items in the pantry.
Heads up, folks!
Snopes.com verifies that this
danger is real, but can not
substantiate the incident described. You can read Snopes'
report at the above source.
Subj: Dear Abby on Maturity (S1022)
From: Caroline Jenkins in 2016
Subj: Short Manners Jokes
Ask Amy Advice Column (S904d)
From: Petra van Klaveren-Chini on Facebook
Photo from DenverPost.com