Subj: Manners and Advice (Gz)
(Includes 62 jokes and articles)
Fireplace from
Pixelator Web Design
| >>>
Subj: Manners and Advice (Gz) (Includes 62 jokes and articles) |
|
Fireplace from Pixelator Web Design |
Also see DOCTORS3
- 'Dear Doctor...'
GAYS file - 'Gay
Wedding Etiquette'
SANTA file - 'If
Santa Answered His Mail Honestly...'
REDNECK3 file- 'Redneck
Etiquette'
WOMEN2 file - 'A
Guide To Love For Today's Young Women'
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| Subj:
Fruitcake Lady (S505b)
From: auntiegah on 9/25/2006 |
 |
The 2,700 KB movie "Ask the Fruitcake
Lady" was a segment
from the Tonight Show in 2003.
You can see this cute film
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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 |
Subj:
Fruitcake Lady II (S518)
From: edapsmas on 12/13/2006 |
The 2,700 KB movie "Ask the Fruitcake
Lady II" was replayed
on the Tonight Show after she
died in 2006. You can see
this cute film on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Worried
Man Writes For Advice (S410)
From: jbcary1 on 11/27/2004
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before,
but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial
decision. I've suspected
for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings
but if I answer, the caller
hangs up. My wife has
been going out with the girls a lot
recently although when I ask
their names she always says,
"Just some friends from work,
you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out
for her taxi coming home,
but she always walks down the
drive. Although I can hear
a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car
round the corner. Why?
Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone
up just to see what time it
was and she went berserk and
screamed that I should never
touch her phone again and why
was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached
the subject with my wife.
I think deep down I just didn't
want to know the truth,
but last night she went out
again and I decided to really
check on her.
I decided I was going to park
my Harley Davidson motorcycle
next to the garage and then
hide behind it so I could get
a good view of the whole street
when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching
behind my Harley, that I
noticed that the valve covers
on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself
or should I take it
back to the dealer?
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Subj: Bass
Fisherman Writes Dear Abby (S397b)
From: DoctorDebt on 9/3/2004
Dear Abby,
I have been so blessed in my
life. Great parents, great
wife and kids, great job, and
great education.
When I finally retired, I could
hardly wait to spend time
enjoying my favorite pastime
-- bass fishing. I got my
own little fishing boat and
tried to get my wife to join
me, but she just never liked
fishing. Finally, one day
at the Bait ? Tackle Shop, I
got to talking to Sam the
shop owner who it turned out
loves bass fishing as much
as I do. We quickly became
fishing buddies. As I said
the wife doesn't care about
fishing; she not only refuses
to join us she always complains
that I spend too much time
fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had
the best fishing trip ever.
Not only did I catch the most
beautiful bass you've ever
seen, only a few minutes later
Sam must have caught his
twin brother! So I took
a picture of Sam holding up the
two nice bass that we caught
and showed the picture to the
wife hoping that maybe she'd
get interested. Instead she
says she doesn't want me to
go fishing at all anymore!
And she wants me to sell the
boat! I think she just does
not like to see me enjoying
myself.
What would you do? Tell
the wife to forget it and continue
my hobby or quit fishing and
sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks, A fisherman
PS I have enclosed the picture
of Sam showing off the bass
we caught.
 |
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Subj: Friendly
Advice To Men (S351b)
From: jokes on 10/16/2003
(See 'Married
To A Male Chauvinist' in MARRIAGE3)
It is important for men to remember
that as women grow older
it becomes harder for them to
maintain the same quality of
housekeeping as they did when
they were younger. When men
notice this, they should try
not to yell. Let me relate how
one man handled the situation.
"When I chucked my job and took
early retirement a year ago,
it became necessary for Nancy
to get a full-time job both
for extra income and for health
insurance benefits that we
need. She was a trained
lab tech when we met thirty some
years ago and was fortunate
to land a job at the local
medical center as a phlebotomist.
It was shortly after she started
working at this job that I
noticed that she was beginning
to show her age. I usually
get home from fishing or hunting
about the same time she
gets home from work. Although
she knows how hungry I am,
she almost always says that
she has to rest for half an hour
or so before she starts supper.
I try not to yell at her
when this happens. Instead,
I tell her to take her time.
I understand that she is not
as young as she used to be. I
just tell her to wake me when
she finally does get supper
on the table.
She used to wash and dry the
dishes as soon as we finished
eating. It is now not
unusual for them to sit on the table
for several hours after supper.
I do what I can by reminding
her several times each evening
that they aren't cleaning
themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to
help her get them done before
she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the
basement. When she was
younger, Nancy used to be able
to go up and down the stairs
all day and not get tired.
Now that she is older she seems
to get tired so much more quickly.
Sometimes she says she just can't
make another trip down
those steps. I don't make
a big issue of this. As long as
she finishes up the laundry
the next evening I am willing
to overlook it. Not only
that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to the Monday's
lodge meeting or to Wednes-
day's or Saturday's poker club
or to Tuesday's or Thursday's
bowling or something like that,
I will tell her to wait until
the next evening to do the ironing.
This gives her a little
more time to do some of those
odds and ends things like
shampooing the dog, vacuuming,
or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really
good day fishing, this allows
her to gut and scale the fish
at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain
a little occasionally. Not
often, mind you, but just enough
for me to notice.
For example, she will say that
it is difficult for her to
find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour.
In spite of her complaining,
I continue to try to offer
encouragement. I tell
her to stretch it out over two or
even three days. That
way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and
then wouldn't hurt her any,
if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems
to think she needs more
rest periods than she used to
have to take. A couple of
weeks ago she said she had to
take a break when she was
only half finished mowing the
yard. I overlook comments
like these because I realize
it's just age talking. In
fact, I try to not embarrass
her when she needs these
little extra rest breaks.
I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed lemonade and
just sit for a while.
I tell her that as long as she
is making one for herself, she
may as well make one for
me and take her break by the
hammock so she can talk
with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think
you know where I'm
coming from. I know that
I probably look like a saint
in the way I support Nancy on
a daily basis. I'm not
saying that the ability to show
this much consideration
is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will
find it impossible. No
one knows better than I do how
frustrating women can become
as they get older. My
purpose in writing this is simply
to suggest that you
make the effort. I realize
that achieving the exemplary
level of showing consideration
I have attained is out of
reach for the average man."
The author was found floating in a nearby river recently.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
All jokes are archived at the
Yahoo Group
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Anns-Humor/
If you received this mail from
a friend and wish to
subscribe, send an email to:
Anns-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
\\\//
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Subj: Horoscopes
Worth Reading (S306b)
From: pns on 12/12/2002
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will become unwittingly
embroiled in a turf war between
rival Chinese restaurants, today,
as you step off the side-
walk to avoid a person wearing
an extremely large hat.
Before the day is over, you'll
find yourself angrily hurling
potstickers at people you've
never met.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to sneak.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to go on a voyage of
self-discovery. Try to be
back in time for dinner, though.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will need two torches, a
sword, leather armor, and a
significant amount of courage
today. And for heaven's
sake, don't forget the twine.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your main problem? You're not
eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Virgo (August 23 - September
22)
Noticing a picture on a colleague's
desk, you will comment
"I've never cared for those
hairless cats". That might
not be a good thing to say.
Newborns can be a bit blotchy,
and new parents can be a bit
touchy...
Libra (September 22 - October
22)
Good day to mumble.
Scorpio (October 23 - November
21)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky!
You'll find that works
out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone
you've
been trying.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December
21)
You will be afire with enthusiasm
today! Unfortunately,
someone will put you out.
Capricorn (December 22 - January
20)
Today will be a celebration
of life, love, and art.
Also, the start of a nagging
fear that you'll find out
something terribly unpleasant
while doing your taxes.
Aquarius (January 21 - February
18)
Your incisors will seem to be
getting longer today, and
you will find sunlight hurts
your eyes. Probably just
a cold, and nothing to worry
about.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will sneak out tonight,
with a box of navel oranges
under your arm, and grinning
an evil toothy grin. When
you wake up tomorrow, you will
remember nothing about
it. That's just the way these
things work.
\\\//
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| Subj:
Some Cleaning Tips (S235)
From: h2oman19 on 7/30/2001 . |
 |
To view "Some Cleaning Tips", click 'HERE'.
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Subj:
Some Cleaning Tips II (S272d)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/17/2002 Drawing from Accent on Animation |
To view "Some Cleaning Tips II", click 'HERE'.
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| Subj:
Some Cleaning Tips III (S276b)
From: janeenmarie on 9/26/2003 . |
|
To view "Some Cleaning Tips III", click 'HERE'.
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Subj: Martha
Vs The Rest Of Us (S231)
From: flovilla on 7/1/2001
Martha's way #1: Stuff
a miniature marshmallow in the
bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream
out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake; you are
probably lying on the couch
with your feet up eating it
anyway.
***********************************************
Martha's way #2: Use a meat
baster to "squeeze" your pancake
batter onto the hot griddle
and you'll get perfectly shaped
pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked
kind you nuke in the microwave
for 30 seconds. The hard
part is getting them out of the
plastic bag.
***********************************************
Martha's way #3:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an
apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack
mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up to a year.
***********************************************
Martha's way #4: To prevent
eggshells from cracking, add a
pinch of salt to the water before
hard-boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack,
aren't you going to take
the shells off anyway?
***********************************************
Martha's way #5: To get the
most juice out of fresh lemons,
bring them to room temperature
and roll them under your palm
against the kitchen counter
before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons
in between the mattress and
box springs.
***********************************************
Martha's way #6: To easily remove
burnt-on food from your
skillet, simply add a drop or
two of dish soap and enough
water to cover bottom of pan,
and bring to a boil on
stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's
every night and avoid cooking.
***********************************************
Martha's way #7: Spray your
Tupperware with nonstick cooking
spray before pouring in tomato
based sauces and there won't
be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal
and there won't be any
leftovers.
***********************************************
Martha's way #8: When
a cake recipe calls for flouring the
baking pan, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there
won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll
even decorate it for you.
***********************************************
Martha's way #9: If you
accidentally over salt a dish while
it's still cooking, drop in
a peeled potato and it will
absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over salt a dish
while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. My
motto: I made it and you will eat
it and I don't care how bad
it tastes.
***********************************************
Martha's way #10: Wrap
celery in aluminum foil when
putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard
of the stuff.
***********************************************
Martha's way #11: Brush
some beaten egg white over pie
crust before baking to yield
a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen
pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites
over the crust and so I
don't do it.
***********************************************
Martha's way #12: Place
a slice of apple in hardened
brown sugar to soften it.
My way: Brown sugar is
supposed to be "soft"?
***********************************************
Martha's way #13: When boiling
corn on the cob, add a
pinch of sugar to help bring
out the corn's natural
sweetness.
My way: The only kind of corn
I buy comes in a can.
***********************************************
Martha's way #14: To determine
whether an egg is fresh,
immerse it in a pan of cool,
salted water. If it sinks,
it is fresh, but if it rises
to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use
the egg anyway. If you feel bad
later, you will know it wasn't
fresh.
***********************************************
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches:
Take a lime, cut it
in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will
go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the
only reason this works is
because you can't rub a lime
on your forehead without
getting lime juice in your eye,
and then the problem isn't
the headache anymore, it is
because you are now blind.
***********************************************
Martha's way #16: Don't
throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
***********************************************
Martha's way #17: If you have
a problem opening jars: Try
using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non slip grip
that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very
cute neighbor to do it.
***********************************************
Martha's way #18: Potatoes
will take food stains off your
fingers. Just slice and
rub raw potato on the stains and
rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will
now be replacing the anti-
bacterial soap in the handy
dispenser next to my sink.
***********************************************
Martha's way #19: Now
look what you can do with Alka
Seltzer.
? Clean a toilet. Drop in two
Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait
twenty minutes, brush and flush.
The citric acid and
effervescent action clean vitreous
china.
? Clean a vase. To remove a stain
from the bottom of a
glass vase or cruet, fill with
water and drop in two
Alka-Seltzer tablets.
? Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer
tablets into a
glass of water and immerse the
jewelry for two minutes.
? Clean a thermos bottle. Fill
the bottle with water,
drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets,
and let soak for an
hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases,
and thermos in the toilet.
Add some Alka-Seltzer and you
have solved a whole bunch of
problems at once.
\\\//
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Subj: Dear
Abby - On Mood Rings (S365, S566b)
From: DoctorDebt on 1/25/2004
My husband is not happy with
my mood swings. The other day,
he bought me a mood ring so
he would be able to monitor my
moods. When I'm in a good
mood it turns green. When I'm in
a bad mood it leaves a big fuc*ing
red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me
a diamond.
Sincerely,
Bitchy in Buffalo
\\\//
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| Subj: Dear
Abby - Tough Love (S349)
From: DoctorDebt on 10/8/2003 Dear Abby, I recently read your column advising
grandparents on "tough
Sign me,
Tough Love Grandma scroll down
|
||
|
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Subj: Dear
Abby - Wedding Preparations (S299)
From: pns on 10/25/2002
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost
a year. I am to be married
next month. My fianc?e's
mother is not only very attractive
but really great and understanding.
She is putting the
entire wedding together and
invited me to her place to go
over the invitation list because
it had grown a bit beyond
what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed
the list and trimmed it
down to just under a hundred
... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would
be a married man and that
before that happened, she wanted
to have sex with me. Then
she just stood up and walked
to her bedroom and on her way
said that I knew where the front
door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five
minutes and finally decided that
I knew exactly how to deal with
this situation. I headed
straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car
was her husband, my father-in-
law to be. He was smiling.
He explained that they just
wanted to be sure I was a good
kid and would be true to their
little girl. I shook his
hand and he congratulated me on
passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fianc?e
what her parents did, and
that thought their "little test"
was asinine and insulting
to my character? Or should
I keep the whole thing to myself
including the fact that the
reason I was walking out to my
car was to get a condom?
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Subj: Dear
Abby - Unfaitful Husband (S223)
From: pns on 5/7/2001
Dear Abby:
My husband is a lying cheat.
He tells me he loves me, but
he as cheated our entire marriage.
He is a good provider
and has many friends and supporters.
They know he is a
lying cheat, but they just avoid
the issues.
He is a hard worker but many
of his co-workers are leery
of him. Every time he
gets caught he first denies it all,
then he admits that he was wrong
and begs me to forgive
him. This has been going
on for so long, everyone in
town knows he is a cheat. I
don't know what to do.
Signed:
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now
that you are a New York senator,
you don't need him anymore."
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Subj: Dear
Abby - Unfaitful Husband II (S331)
From: DoctorDebt on 6/4/2003
Dear Abby;
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He cheated on me from the
beginning, and when I confront
him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows
he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four
years ago he hasn't even
looked for a new one.
All he does is buy cigars, play golf,
cruise around, and shoot the
breeze with his pals, while I
have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter graduated
from college he doesn't even
pretend to like me and hints
that I am a lesbian. What
should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
------------------------
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For
Pete's sake, you don't need him
anymore. You're a United
States Senator from New York, act
like it.
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Subj: Actual
"Dear Abby" Exerpts (S260, S434b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #282 on 97-12-30
and
From: darrell94590 on 5/21/2005
DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never
could trust. Why, he cheats
so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying
is his.
DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old
liberated woman who
has been on the pill for two years. It's getting
expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.
DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my
husband had been fooling
around, and when I confronted him with the
evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush
me the name of a reliable
illegitimate doctor?
DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that
he is taking Judo. Why
would a boy who was raised in a good Christian
home turn against his own?
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy
to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?
DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old
son has been paying a psychia-
trist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half
years. He must be crazy.
DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill
for three months and I
didn't know he drank until one night he came
home sober.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would
be all right if I gave my
doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get
pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean
and short-tempered. I think
she is going through her mental pause.
DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy
who was in the service. He
is the chief petting officer.
DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady
with this man for six
years. We see each other every night. He says
he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never
mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out
with me just for what he can get? GERTIE
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's
he getting?
DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to
spend money! I cut my own
hair and make my own clothes, and I have to
account for every nickel spend. Meanwhile he
has a stock of savings bonds put away that
would choke a cow. How do I get some money out
of him before we are both called to our final
judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day.
FORTY YEARS HITCHED
DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's
raining!
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going
to be twenty years old
next month. I'd like to give him something nice
for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what
he'd like. Give him a tie.
DEAR ABBY: Are birth control
pills deductible? KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they
don't work.
DEAR ABBY: Our son was married
in January. Five months
later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They
said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a
baby this big be that early? WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was
on time, the wedding was late.
Forget it.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think about
dying much? CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last
thing I want to do.
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for
a man to be in love with two
women at the same time? JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.
DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be
boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-
three and he's still chasing women. Any
suggestions? ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My
dog has been chasing cars for
years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't
know what to do with it.
DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted
to have my family history
traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of
money to do it. Any suggestions? SAM IN CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public
office.
DEAR ABBY: What inspires you
most to write? TED
DEAR TED: The Internal
Revenue Service.
DEAR ABBY: When you are being
introduced, is it all right
to say, "I've heard a lot about you"? RITA
DEAR RITA: It depends on what
you've heard.
DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years
old and I would like to
meet a man my age with no bad habits. ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.
DEAR ABBY: What's the difference
between a wife and a
mistress? BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.
DEAR ABBY: A couple of women
moved in across the hall from
me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the
other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've
never seen a man go into their apartment or come
out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/31/97
DEAR ABBY: I've been married
for six years and have five
kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have
sex every night and sometimes in the morning too.
I told him he should get himself a hobby, ? he
says that is his hobby.
From: cohen#il@oak2.ci.oakland.ca.us
on 98-01-20
Dear Abby: You told some woman
whose husband had lost all
interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well,
my husband lost all interest in sex years ago
and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
From: darrell94590@sbcglobal.net
on 5/21/2005
Dear Abby: What can I
do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
Language and Violence On My VCR?
\\\//
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Subj: Inner
City Dear Abby (S208)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 1/23/2001
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey
who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of the
HIV virus. My parents live
in the suburb of Philadelphia
and one of my sisters, who
lives in Bensenville, is married
to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently
been arrested for growing
and selling marijuana and are
currently dependent on my
other two sisters, who are prostitutes
in Jersey City.
I have two brothers, one who
is currently serving a non-
parole life sentence in Attica
for murder of a teenage boy
in 1994. The other brother
is currently being held in the
Wellington Remand Center on
charges of neglecting his three
children.
I have recently become engaged
to marry a former Thai
prostitute who lives in the
Bronx and indeed is still a
part-time "working girl" in
a brothel.
However her time there is limited,
as we hope to open our
own brothel with her as the
working manager. I am hoping
my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them
not to prostitute themselves,
at least it would get them off
the street, and hopefully
the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my
fiance and look forward to
bringing her into the family
and of course I want to be
totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my
cousin who voted for Bush????
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
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Subj: If Dear
Abby Was A Man (S198)
From: ICohen on 11/16/2000
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience
a threesome with my sister
and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted
to you. He cannot get
enough of you,
so he goes for the next best thing-your
sister. Far
from being an issue, this can bring all of
the family together.
Why not get some cousins involved?
If you are still
apprehensive, then let him be with your
relatives, buy
him a nice, expensive present, and cook him
a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks
me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only
great tasting, but has only 10
calories per spoonful.
It is nutritious, helps you to
keep your figure,
and gives a great glow to your skin.
Interestingly,
men know this. His offer to you to perform
oral sex with him
is totally selfless. Oral sex is
extremely painful
for a man. This shows he loves you. The
best thing to do
is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook
him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights
out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural
behavior and it should be
encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his
prowess with other
men. Far from being pleasurable, a
night out with
the boys is a stressful affair, and to get
back to you is
a relief for him. Just look at how emotional
and happy the man
is when he returns to his stable home.
The best thing
to do is to buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook
him a nice meal and don't mention this
aspect of his behavior.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where
my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern
to your husband. If you
must mess with
it, do it in your own time. To help with
the family budget
you may wish to videotape yourself
while doing this,
and sell it. To ease your selfish
guilt, buy your
man a nice, expensive present, and cook
him a delicious
meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested
in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very
hurtful. What it means is that
you do not love
your man as much as you should; he has to
work a lot to get
you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in
this area, and
make it up to him by buying him a nice,
expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given
me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth.
It is fostered by militant,
man-hating feminists
and is a danger to the family unit.
Don't mention it
again to him and show your love to him
by buying a nice,
expensive present, and don't forget to
cook him a delicious
meal!
\\\//
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Subj: Early
Table Manners (S82)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
A Christian and philosopher and
educator, Erasmus of Rotterdam,
the greatest classical scholar
of the northern Humanist of
Renaissance, determined that
manners was the best instilled at an
early age. Here are some samples
from his work, which was a best
seller for three centuries.
"On Civility in Children" (c.1530)
- "Turn away when spitting lest your
saliva fall on someone. If
anything purulent falls
on the ground, it should be trodden upon,
lest it nauseate someone."
- "To lick greasy fingers or to wipe
them on your coat is impolite.
It is better to use the
table cloth or the serviette."
- "Some people put their hands in
the dishes the moment they have
sat down. Wolves do that."
- "You should not offer your handkerchief
to anyone unless it has
been freshly washed.
Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose,
to spread out your handkerchief
and peer into it as if pearl and
rubies might have fallen
out of your head."
- "If you cannot swallow a piece of
food, turn around discreetly
and throw it somewhere."
- "Retain the wind by compressing
the belly."
- "Do not be afraid of vomiting if
you must; for it is not
vomiting but holding
the vomit in your throat that is foul."
- "Do not move back and forth on your
chair. Whoever does that
gives the impression
of constantly breaking or trying to break
wind."
\\\//
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Subj: Dear
Missed Manners:
From: humorlist-digest V2 #89 on 98-04-11
Dear Missed Manners: I recently
sent a gift to a friend as
a housewarming present.
I have yet to receive a thank-you
note for the gift. Now
I'm expected at another party that
she is throwing this weekend.
What does proper decorum
dictate that I do, giftwise?
- Generous in Geneva
Dear Generous in Geneva - Well,
well, well, you sent your
friend a gift and you didn't
get a card. Wait, wait, let
me guess what kind of "housewarming
gift" this was - an
assortment of soap samples from
The Body Shop? One of
those little wooden boxes you
take out every year to hold
all the beautiful Christmas
cards you get from your
beautiful friends? Be
lucky a thank-you note is all you
didn't get, because what you
really deserve is a good swift
kick in the face, you bourgeois-perpetuating,
neighborhood-
gentrifying, wish-you-could-live-your-life-in-Pier-1
piece
of shit. Proper decorum
for the party dictates that you
bend down, pucker up and kiss
your friend's rosy ass,
because they're one more friend
than you deserve, you
suburban-wannabe-bastard.
Dear Missed Manners: After much
shopping, I have finally
found the perfect set of silverware.
The only problem is
that they're so expensive, I've
only been buying them one
utensil at a time - first, all
the knives, then all the
spoons. We are hosting
a dinner party in the upcoming
weeks, and I really want to
show off the new silverware,
even though I don't have the
full set. Do you think it
would be okay to mix in forks
from another, similar set?
-- Curious in Cleveland
Dear Curious in Cleveland - (Pause)
Is this a fucking
joke? Did you really send
me this letter? Did you
seriously sit down and spend
thirty-two cents and twenty
minutes of your life to write
this fucking thing, fold it,
put it in the fucking envelope
and mail it to me? Is this
your miserable excuse for having
problems in your life?
When your therapist charged
you 150 bucks for the pleasure
of telling you things like,
"vent your anxieties more," do
you really think this is what
he had in mind?
Let me give you a problem you
should really worry about.
Like, how 'bout a guy who's
got a college degree but is
almost about to get kicked out
of his apartment because
he can't find anything but a
lousy fucking $10 an hour
job? Or a guy that hasn't
had sex in nine months 'cause
every time he gets close to
a woman he finds some
arbitrary reason to reject her
because the cumulative
stress of ex-girlfriends is
slowly moving him to a phobia
of intimacy? Well? How you like
them apples?
As for your culinary problems...
I have no idea. Why
don't you try plastic forks
like the rest of us, you
fuckin' loon?
Dear Missed Manners: My son has
come home from college
for the summer, and it seems
we have a problem. So far,
he has spent almost every night
out with his friends and
often will not come home until
two in the morning. He
says that this is the schedule
he keeps at school and he
is old enough to be making his
own curfew. I say as long
as he's living under my roof,
he lives by my rules. Help,
Missed Manners! - Father in
Florida
Dear Father in Florida - (Long
pause) Ah, just go fuck
yourself.
Dear Miss Manners: Well, it's
that time of year where the
spring wardrobes start coming
out. With your many years
of etiquette advice, I thought
you could give me some
historical background on what
is proper attire for what
times of year, along with what
current fashion dictates
for this year. - Style Aware
in San Antonio
Dear Style Aware in San Antonio
- Jesus, has this entire
country become like my parents,
terminally addicted to
Prozac? Wake up, people!
Look, you all obviously don't
have a fuckin' clue, and I'm
currently pretty high on
this speed I took earlier this
afternoon, so let me now
lay out the truth to all of
my miserable 644 syndicated
outlets of losers nationwide:
Missed Manners smoked four packs
of Virginia Slims a day
and died about two years ago
of black lung disease. Then
the syndication boss got smart
and finally realized that
Miss Manners doesn't say a whole
hell of a lot, and that
they could probably hire a kid
straight out of college
for about half the salary.
Enter me, a 27 year old
journalism student whose only
reason he's not waiting
tables is he can type eighty
words a minute. They're
paying me $32,000 a year, which
is more money than I've
ever seen in my life, and all
I have to do is, as my boss
put it, "write some shit like
'put baking soda on that
stain' and 'politeness requires
abstaining from off-color
jokes at the work place.'" Easy
money, I thought.
But it's six months later and
every time I dare speak up,
that I have the audacity to
mention, "You know, what we
do here is basically bullshit";
every time I mention that
there's a better way of doing
business than pandering to
the lowest common denominator;
every time my boss responds
with, "Your job is not to think
- your job is to execute";
and every time my co-workers
say, "Look, you're not in art
school anymore - this is the
real world"; and every time
I'm made to believe that only
in a fantasy world can you
pay your bills without completely
whoring yourself - well,
that's another day that I go
home with blood running
between my legs and I have to
fashion a band-aid out of
the wads of cash I originally
accepted in the first place
because they were supposed to
free up my creative career.
So - no more. Today's the
day I slip my column past my
boss and out directly onto the
wire and tell the world
that I will no longer take this
ass fucking. So... for-
give me if I no longer feign
an interest in your pathetic
little life that I never cared
about in the first place.
Forgive me if I refuse to lie
anymore at job interviews
and pretend like I want to work
a corporate job the rest
of my life because I won't get
hired any other way because
you sold your soul to the devil
twenty years ago and now
won't hire anyone unless they
make the same sacrifice.
Forgive me if I slap you across
the face as hard as I can
every time you say, "Well, it
sounds like you've pretty
much got a creative job, so
what's the problem?" I no
longer have the strength to
be Missed Manners. I can't
do it, and I won't do it.
As far as your question goes,
always remember the two
golden rules: never wear white
before Memorial Day; and
only Eurotrash wear Speedos.
Now get out of my face, you
fuckin' momma's boy, before
I kick your ass.
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Manners Jokes
 |
Subj:
Calvin As An Advice Columnist (S594b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/10/2008 |
| Subj:
Dear Miriam (S547)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/9/2007 |
 |
Top
Subj: Etiquette
(S431b)
From: Dickschu on 4/29/2005
During a good manners and etiquette
class, the teacher says
to her students: "If you were
courting a well educated young
girl from a prominent family
and during a dinner for two you
needed to go to the toilet,
what would you say to her?"
Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee"
The teacher says : "That would
be very rude and improper on
your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I
need to go to the toilet, I'll
be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much
better but to mention the word
''toilet'' during a meal, is
unpleasant"
And Johnny says: "My dear, please
excuse me for a moment. I
have to go shake hands with
a personal friend, whom, I hope,
to be able to introduce to you
after dinner. " The teacher
passed out.
Facts about Americans. Did you know
that...
53% of us would take advice from Anne
Landers.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/17/2002
(S272c)
"People who drink to drown their
sorrow should be told
that sorrow knows how to swim."
-- Ann Landers
From: JBCARY1 on 6/27/2003 (S335b)
"Opportunities are usually disguised
as hard work,
so most people don't recognize
them." -- Ann Landers
From: igiggle on 1/8/2005 (S415b)
What the vast majority of American
children need is to stop
being pampered, stop being indulged,
stop being chauffered,
stop being catered to. In the
final analysis it is not what
you do for your children but
what you have taught them to do
for themselves that will make
them successful human beings.
-- Ann Landers
\\\//
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 |
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