(Includes 75 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Poetry-Supp
Book ? candle from
AGAG Animation Gallery
| Subj:
Poetry Type Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 75 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Poetry-Supp |
|
Book ? candle from AGAG Animation Gallery |
Also see AUSTRALIAN - 'The
Great Aussie Love Poem'
BARBER file - 'Early
Haircut (Poem)'
BATHROOM-SUPP- 'The
House Behind The House'
BIRDS file - 'The
End of the Raven'
......................-
'The
Morning Song....'
BLACKS2 file - 'Ebonics
Translation Contest'
BREAST file - 'Three
Babies Poem'
......................-
'The
Boob Poem About Mammograms'
CAT2 file - 'Christmas
Cat Poetry'
......................-
'If
Cats Wrote Haiku'
CHRISTMAS3NBC- (See whole
file)
CHRISTMAS4 - 'Christmas
Political Poem'
......................-
'Christmas
Poem'
CLOTHING file- 'Slippers'
CLINTONSCANDl- 'Lewinsky
Kaczynski Limerick'
CLINTONSCAND2- 'Dr.
Seuss and Clinton'
COLLEGE2 file- 'Prayer
Before Finals'
COMPUTERS3 - 'Remember
When...'
......................-
'Twas
The Night Before 2000'
......................-
'Abort,
Retry, Ignore Poem'
......................-
'If
Life Were Like A Computer Poem'
COMPUTERS4 - 'If
Error Messages Were In Haiku'
......................-
'Computer
Prayer'
......................-
'The
Computer Prayer II'
COMPUTERS-SUP- 'Geek
Poetry'
CONTRACTOR - 'Construction
Tongue Twister'
COWBOY2 file - 'Cowboy
Poetry - Women's Underwear'
......................-
'Cowboy
Poetry'
DIFFERENCES2 - 'Girl's/Boy's
Prayers'
DOG2 file - 'Dog
Meeting Poem'
DOG3 file - 'Dog
Haiku'
DRINKING file- 'Toasts'
ELDERLY3 file- 'Retirement'
......................-
'Poem
About Forgetting'
......................-
'Dr.
Seuss On The Golden Years'
ELDERLY3-SUPP- 'Life
As We Once Knew It'
......................-
'Colored
Pills - Poem'
......................-
'Are
You Lonesome Tonight - Song'
ELDERLY4 file- 'Elderly
Accident - Poem'
......................-
'Old
Mother Hubbard Poem'
ENGINEER3 - 'The
Engineer Song'
ENGLISH file - 'Singlar
And Plural In English'
......................-
'Green
Eggs And Hamlet'
FAIRY TALES - 'Mary
Had A Little Lamb - Poem'
FARMER2 file - 'Poem
About Farmer's Troubles'
......................-
'Carnation
Milk Contest'
FART file - 'Poem
- All About Farts'
......................-
'The
Farter From Sparta'
......................-
'Sometimes
You Will...'
FOOD_ETC file- 'MacDonald's
Soliloquy'
FRENCE file - 'Who
Stands Alone... Poem'
FROG file - 'Toad
Love Poem'
FUCK file - 'The
Dr. Seuss Purity Test'
FUNERAL file - 'Flowers
And Funerals'
GAMES file - 'Poetic
Riddle About Fighting'
GAMES2 file - 'Basic
Bridge In Rhyme'
GOD2 file - 'God
Created Women-Poem'
GOLF2 file - 'Golf Poem'
HANDICAPPED - 'When
I Whine'
HEAVEN2 file - 'A
Soldier Goes To Heaven'
......................-
'I
Dreamed I Went To Heaven-Poem'
HOOKER2 file - 'Dead Whore - Poem'
......................-
'Whorehouse
Sign - Poem'
HOSPITAL2 - 'An
Old Lady's Poem'
HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'Gettin'
It Checked'
JEWISH3 file - 'Haiku's
For Jews'
JOBS3 file - 'Pack
It In! Happy New Year!'
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'The
Lost Dr. Seuss Poem'
KIDS4 file - 'Children's
Bill Of Rights'
......................-
'Parent
Stubbs Toe'
LISTS file - 'Top
Ten Rejected Dr. Seuss Books' (not poetry)
LOVE file - 'You
Can Say It-Poem'
......................-
'Naughty
Love Poem'
MARRIAGE4 - 'Poem
For Mom And Dads'
......................-
'Strange
Marriage Poem'
MONKEY file - 'Evolution
-- The Monkey's Viewpoint'
MOTHERS file - 'When
I'm a Little Old Lady'
MOTHERS-SUPP - 'A Mother's
Day Poem'
MOVIE-ETC-SUP- 'McLain's
Poetic Joke'
MOVIE_ETC-SU2- 'The
Land Of Sandra Dee - Poem'
MUSIC file - 'The
Day the NASDAQ Died'
.........MUSIC-SUPP
- 'Poem - Maestro
In Rome'
.........NATIONAL
file- 'Chads by
Dr. Seuss:'
NATIONAL-STS - 'A
West Virginia Love Story'
......................-
'Rolling
Blackout Theme Song!'
......................-
'Why
I Love Iowa'
NEW YORK file- 'The Towers'
......................-
'Dr.
Seuss On Twin Towers'
OTHER_NATIONS- 'Illegal's
Poem'
PENIS1 file - 'Rewritten
"I will survive" Song'
PENIS3 file - 'Ode
To Impotance'
......................-
'A
Man Named Mort - Poem'
......................-
'Oral
Sex - An Ode To Love'
PHYSICS3 file- 'Archimedes'
Principle'
POLITICAL2 - 'Proposed
Bush Inaugural Address Song'
......................-
'The
Palm Beach Pokey'
POLIT-BUSH - 'Poem
Of Bush Quotes'
RATS ? MICE - 'Guinness
And The Mouse'
REDNECK3 file- 'Poem
About A Hexed Redneck'
......................-
'Redneck
Family Tree'
SCHOOL3 file - 'Night
Before School Starts'
......................-
'New
School Prayer'
SHIP file - 'Sailing
Wind Poem'
SIGNS-N-NAMES- 'Burma
Shave Road Signs'
SOLDIER-SUPP - 'The Monsters
And The Weak'
TAXES file - 'Tax
Time Poem'
TEAR-JERKER3 - 'Daddy's
Pink Rose'
TESTS1 file - 'Final Exams
Poem'
THANKSGIVING - 'Twas
The Night Of Thanksgiving'
......................-
'Happy
Thanksgiving Poem'
......................-
'Thanksgiving
Poetry'
......................-
'A
Turkey's Thanksgiving Poem'
......................-
'A
Preparation Or Was It Foreplay?'
THOLEARN-SUP2- 'My
Lessons'
THOUGHTS-QUOT- 'The
Guy in the Glass'
THOUGHTS TIME- 'Slow
Dancing'
THOUGHTS WARM- 'Friends'
......................-
'A
Child Talks To God'
......................-
'Poem
About Friendship '
TREES file - 'Poem
About the Forest'
VALENTINE - 'Top
Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards'
WOMEN1 file - 'I'm
Glad I'm A Woman'
============================================================Top
Subj: Poetry
of DH Rumsfeld (S335b)
From: tadams96 on 6/24/2003
Listen closely. What you hear
coming from the mouth of Defense
Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld
is actually an "art form." Call
it "literary intelligence."
The Pentagon's top dog, it turns
out, has an unsung gift for
free verse, haiku and sonnets.
In fact, Mr. Rumsfeld's poems
are regularly embedded in the
transcripts of his daily news
briefings and interviews. All
it took was for somebody to
pull out the prose, which author
Hart Seely has done in his amazing
new book, "Pieces of
Intelligence: The Existential
Poetry of Donald H. Rumsfeld"
(The Free Press, $12.95).
"At times, Rumsfeld composes
in jazzy, lyrical riffs that
pulsate with the rhythm of his
childhood on the streets of
Chicago. From there, he'll
unfurl a Homeric tale cautioning
us about the ways of bureaucracy,"
Mr. Seely notes. "He'll
fire off rounds of irony with
a Western cowboy's sensibility,
enough for some to call him
'America's poet lariat.' "
Either way, the poetry of D.H. Rumsfeld demands to be read aloud.
Let's begin with "Needless to Say."
Needless to say,
The president is
correct.
Whatever it was
he said.
— Feb. 28, 2003,
Pentagon briefing
The Unknown
As we know,
There are known
knowns.
There are things
we know we know.
We also know
There are known
unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are
some things
We do not know.
But there are also
unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't
know we don't know.
— Feb. 12, 2002,
Pentagon briefing
Field of Schemes
Is the playing
field this wide?
Or is it that wide?
One can't know
that
Until one knows
up above.
The president can't
know that
Until he knows
what the possibilities are
And what the risks
are
If the playing
field's this wide
As opposed to that
wide.
— Jan. 23, 2002
interview with Reader's Digest
Cheating woman
She said she had
a question
And she asked three.
I asked for an
easy one
And she gave me
a tough three.
— April 26, 2002,
meeting with troops in Kyrgyszstan
End Zen
How does it end?
It ends,
That's all.
— Feb. 8, 2003,
briefing in Munich
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: Walking
A Crooked Path (S277b)
From: mombear1 on 5/20/2002
One day through the primeval
woods,
a calf walked home as good calves
should.
But made a trail all bent askew,
a crooked trail as all calves
do.
Since then three hundred years
have fled,
and I infer the calf is dead.
But still he left behind his
trail,
and thereby hangs my moral tale.
The trail was taken up next day,
by a lone dog that passed that
way:
And then a wise bell-wether sheep,
pursued the trail o'er vale
and steep,
And drew the flock behind him,
too,
as good bell-wether sheep, always
do.
And from that day, o'er hill
and glade,
through those old woods a path
was made.
And many men wound in and out,
and dodged and turned and bet
about,
And uttered words of righteous
wrath,
because 'twas such a crooked
path;
But still they followed--do not
laugh--
the first migrations of that
calf.
And through this winding wood-way
stalked,
because he wobbled when he walked.
This forest patch became a lane,
that bent and turned and turned
again;
This crooked lane became a road,
where many a poor horse with
his load,
Toiled on beneath the burning
sun,
and traveled some three miles
in one.
And thus a century and a half,
they tred the footsteps of that
calf.
The years passed on in swiftness
fleet,
the road became a village street;
And this, before men were aware,
a city's crowded thoroughfare.
And soon the central street was
this,
of a renowned metropolis;
And men two centuries and a half,
tred in the footsteps of that
calf.
Each day a hundred thousand men,
follow this zigzag calf again,
And o'er his crooked journey
went,
the traffic of a continent.
A hundred thousand men were led,
by one calf near three centuries
dead.
They followed still his crooked
way,
and lost one hundred years a
day;
For thus such reverence is lent,
to a well-established precedent.
A moral lesson this might teach,
were I ordained and called to
preach;
For men are prone to get blind,
along the calf-path of the mind,
And work away from sun to sun,
to do what others men have done.
They follow in the beaten track,
and in and out, and forth and
back,
And still their devious course
pursue,
to keep the path that others
do.
They keep the path a sacred groove,
along which all their lives
they move.
But how the old wood-gods laugh,
who first saw the primeval calf.
And, many things this tale might
teach--
but I'm not ordained to preach.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
| Subj:
Nursery Rhymes that Didn't Make It (S237b)
From: spyda on 8/2/2001 Picture
from:LABLaughsAdult
|
 |
You can read these cute, dirty
nursery rhymes on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Dr.
Seuss Lost Tongue Twisters (S212)
From: RFSlick on 2/12/2001
See if you can do this.
Read each line aloud
Dr. Suess lost tongue twisters
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is Keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD
word in each line from the TOP!!!!!
Betcha you can't resist passing
it on!!
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: Rejected
Hallmark Cards (S153)
From: KMacinty on 01/05/2000
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled
your day...
Look at the
bright side,
she's a really
good lay.
2. My tire was thumping...
I thought
it was flat...
when I looked
at the tire...
I noticed
your cat... Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed
and you're
on the mends...
here's a
bouquet of flowers
and a box
of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're
gay,
won't that
be a laugh,
when they
find out you're one
of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff!
5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you
feel zippy!
'Cause when
I had mine
I got real
snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset
you must be...
But don't
fret about it...
She moved
in with me.
7. Your computer is dead...
it was once
so alive.
Don't you
regret installing
Windows 95?
8. You totaled your car...
and can't
remember why...
could it
have been...
the case
of Bud Dry?
Subj: Cards
You Will Never See In Hallmark
From: ICohen on 1/28/2002
"Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder....
What the f*** was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding
day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful
as you.....
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone
to hold, someone to love.
After meeting you, I've changed
my mind."
"I must admit,you brought Religion
in my life.
I never believed in Hell until
I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of
how lucky I am
that you're not here to ruin
it for me."
"If I get only one thing for
Christmas,
I hope it's your sister."
"As I grow older, Mum, I think
of all the gifts you've given
me. Like the need for
therapy..."
"When we were together, you always
said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broke up....
I think it's time you kept your
promise."
"I knew the day would come when
you would leave me for my
best friend. So here's
his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"Congratulations on your new
bundle of joy.
Any idea who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that
if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life
jacket...
I'd miss you heaps and think
of you often."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"
(available only in Alabama and
Arkansas)
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Romantic
and Unromantic (S284b, S536b)
From: pns on 7/7/2002
and
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/12/2007
Taken from an internet site where
there's a competition
for writing the most romantic
first line and most
unromantic second line.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the
violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and
so is your head.
After you, my love, my only prize.
Would be a bullet between the
eyes.
Of loving beauty you float with
grace.
If only you could hide your
face.
I thought that I could love no
other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Kind, intelligent, loving and
hot.
This describes everything you're
not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag
off your face.
I love your smile, your face,
and your eyes ...
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face I wish I were in outer space.
I saw your face as you walked
by
But then I saw
a better guy.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful
wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
Beauty is on the inside, but
some may doubt.
If its true, I'd prefer you
inside out.
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up
screaming.
My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to
smell this way?
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Joe
Awoke With An Erection (S76)
From: icohen on 98-07-11
Joe woke up one morning and looked
for his wife, but his
wife wasn't there. She
had awakened and was preparing
breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil
things by getting up, so he
called his little boy and sent
this note
The Tent Pole Is
Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
The wife answered the note and
sent it back by the boy.
It read:
Take The Tent Pole
Down,
Put The Canvas
Away,
The Monkey Had
A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
So he sent another note down. It read:
The Tent Pole's
Still Up,
And The Canvas
Still Spread,
So Drop What You're
Doing,
And Come Give Me
Some Head.
To which she replied:
I'm Sure That Your
Pole's
The Best In The
Land.
But I'm Busy Right
Now,
So Do It By Hand!
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Reincarnation,
By Wallace McRae (S110)
From: mbucher on 99-03-09
What is reincarnation? A cowboy
asked his friend.
It starts, his old pal told
him, when your life
comes to an end.
They wash your neck and comb
your hair and clean your
fingernails.
And put you in a padded box
away from life's travails.
The box and you goes in a hole
that's been dug in the ground.
Reincarnation starts in when
you're planted neath that mound.
Them clods melt down, just like
the box, and you who is inside.
And that's when you begin your
transformation ride.
And in a while the grass will
grow upon your rendered mound,
Until some day, upon that spot,
a lonely flower is found.
And then a horse may wander
by and graze upon that flower
That once was you, and now has
become your vegetated bower.
Now, the flower that the horse
done eat, along
with his other
feed,
Makes bone and fat and muscle
essential to the steed.
But there's a part that he can't
use and so it passes through.
And there it lies upon the ground,
this thing that once was you.
And if perchance, I should pass
by and see this on the ground,
I'll stop awhile and ponder
at this object that I've found.
I'll think about Reincarnation
and life and death and such,
And come away concludin', why,
you ain't changed all that much.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Computer
Haiku (S74)
From: SSwitzer on 98-06-29
(See 'If
Error Messages Were In Haiku' in COMPUTERS4)
In Japan, they have replaced
the impersonal and unhelpful
Microsoft error messages with
Haiku poetry messages. Haiku
poetry has strict construction
rules - each poem has only
17 syllables; 5 syllables in
the first line, 7 in the second
line, 5 in the third line.
They are used to communicate a
timeless message, often achieving
a wistful, yearning and
powerful insight through extreme
brevity. Here are 16 actual
error messages from Japan.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but endless others exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working
'Windows' is like that.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
Rather than a beep
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found."
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: My First
Time (S288)
From: Puneet385 on 8/1/2002
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and
I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....
I know what you were thinking!!!
Get your mind out of the gutter!!!!
Second version
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Needs
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently touch my finger tips
Soft sighs, silky hair
Longing for me to touch her
there
Her begging eyes
Her whimpering cries
Urgent needs of one so sweet
Bring me quickly to my feet
The night is warm, there is
no doubt
It's my turn to take the dog
out
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Poetry
Contest (S21, S404 - quotes3)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-17
and
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/7/2004
The finals of the National Poetry
Contest last year came
down to two finalists.
One was a Duke University Law
School graduate from an upper
crust family; well-bred,
well-connected, and all that
goes with it.
The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A?M.
The rules of the contest required
each finalist to compose
a four line poem in one minute
or less, and the poem had to
contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first.
About thrity seconds after the
clock started he jumped up
and recited the following poem:
"Slowly across
the desert sand
Trekked
the dusty caravan.
Men
on camels, two by two
Destination
-- Timbuktu."
The audience went wild!!
How, they wondered could the redneck
top that?! The clock
started again and the redneck sat in
silent thought. Finally,
in the last few seconds, he jumped
and recited:
"Tim and me,
a-huntin' went.
Met
three whores in a pop-up tent.
They
was three, we was two,
So
I bucked one and Timbuktu."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Cute
Poem About Spell Checkers (S274d)
From: JOELFALLON on 99-02-09
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/2/2002
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw
it
I am shore your pleased two
no
It's letter perfect awl the
weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
-Sauce unknown
Second version
From: Daemonic
Funnies Page
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles
two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on
my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every
word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're laks oar have a
laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in
my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does not phase
me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a
feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best
wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew
prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please.
--- Humor Author Unknown
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Subj: Starr
I Are -- a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss (S52)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #27 on 98-01-28
I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see --
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there--
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far --
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?
I do not like you
Starr-You-Are --
I think that you
Have gone too far.
I will not answer
Any more --
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract --
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!
\\\//
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Subj: Dr.
Seuss Teaches About Computers (S290)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/19/2002
(Also see 'Why
Computers Crash! By Dr. Seuss' in Comp-supp)
If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical
Manuals
If a packet hits a pocket on
a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as
a very last resort,
and the address of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
the socket packet pocket has
an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
and the double clicking icons
put your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause
the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on your cable on
the gable at your house
says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel
to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejectd by
the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's
getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary RISC,
then you have to flash your
memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
quickly turn off your computer
and be sure to tell your mom!
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Subj: Dr.
Ruth Meets Dr. Seuss...
..........From:
Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
(Inspired by Green Eggs and Ham)
Dear Cathy was a girl who said
She loved a boy named Eager
Ed.
And much as dear Ed tried and
tried
She just would not have sex
outside.
"I only want sex in a bed.
That's all I want, oh eager
Ed."
But Ed was a persistent guy
Who would not let the matter
lie.
"Would you, could you in a boat?
Would you, could you with a
goat?"
"I would not, could not in a
boat.
I would not, could not with
a goat.
I find it best upon dry land.
And animals! You disgusting
man!
I only want sex in a bed.
That's all I want, oh eager
Ed."
But not discouraged was our friend
Ed.
"I know I can get her out of
bed.
Would you, could you on a train?
Would you, could you in the
rain?"
"I would not, could not on a
train.
I would not, could not in the
rain.
Of Amtrak I have had my fill.
If I get wet I'll catch a chill.
I only want sex in a bed.
That's all I want, oh eager
Ed."
And still dear Ed was not deterred.
Though her resistance still
endured.
"Would you, could you in a car?
Would you, could you in a bar?"
"I would not, could not in a
car.
I would not, could not in a
bar.
I fear I like my privacy
And motion sickness vexes me.
I only want sex in a bed.
That's all I want, oh eager
Ed."
"Would you, could you in a park?
We could go there after dark.
The slide would be the perfect
place.
And nobody would see your face."
"I would not, could not in a
park.
Not even if it's after dark.
This whole discussion bothers
me-
Why next, you will suggest a
tree!
I only want sex in a bed.
That's all I want, oh eager
Ed."
"A tree is not a bad suggestion-
It even gave me an erection.
Would you, could you in a tree?
Would you, could you just for
me?"
"I would not, could not in a
tree.
I will not have sex there, you
see.
I would not, could not in a
boat
And certainly not with a goat.
I would not, could not on a
train.
I would not, could not in the
rain.
I would not, could not in the
car.
And definitely not in a bar.
Not in a park, not in a tree.
Not on your life, Ed, let me
be!
I only want sex in a bed.
That's all I want, oh eager
Ed."
"All I ask, oh Cathy mine
To make me happy, just one time.
Try it just this once for me
and You will like it. Wait and
see!"
"Ok, ok, since you persist.
Just one time only, I insist.
Just once we will have sex outside.
Then at least I will have tried."
And so they did it that same
night.
And Cathy found that Ed was
right.
"From now on, I have changed
my view.
And wild sex I will pursue.
And I will try it in a park,
In daylight too, as well as
dark.
And I will try it in a tree.
(Though I may fall and scrape
my knee.)
And in a car, and on a train
And in a bar, and in the rain.
And maybe even on a boat,
Though never ever with a goat.
For now I like wild sex, you
see
And new adventures wait for
me!"
THE END.
\\\//
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Subj: Rejected
Dr. Seuss Books
From: DR SWITZER on 98-01-31
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead
Bitch, Blue Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes
Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus
Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can
You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the
Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A
Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch
and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Poetry Jokes
Top
Subj: Poem
About Jokes ? Frowns (picture, S392)
From: JokesUncut on 8/3/2004
at http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/poem.htm
 |
How about these.... The nursery
rhyme Ring Around the Rosey
is a rhyme about
the plague. Infected people with the
plague would get
red circular sores ("Ring around the
rosey..."), these
sores would smell very badly so common
folks would put
flowers on their bodies somewhere
(inconspicuously),
so that it would cover the smell of
the sores ("...a
pocket full of poseys ..."), People who
died from the plague
would be burned so as to reduce the
possible spread
of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all
fall down!")
Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/1/2002 (S288b)
A poem is never finished, only
abandoned.
-- Paul Valery (1871-1945)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/26/2002 (S288b)
In science one tries to tell
people, in such a way as to
be understood by everyone, something
that no one ever knew
before. But in poetry, it's
the exact opposite.
-- Paul Dirac (1902-1984)
From: KMACINTY on 1/17/2003 (S311)
A backwards poet writes inverse
From: Joke-Of-The-Day@joke-of-the-day.com
on 2/17/2003 (S316b)
Advice is like snow -- the softer
it falls, the longer
it dwells upon, and the deeper
in sinks into the
mind. -- Samuel Taylor
Coleridge
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/30/2003 (S344b)
Genuine poetry can communicate
before it is understood.
-- T. S. [Thomas Stearns]
Eliot (1888 - 1965)
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