Subj: Quotations By Comedians-Supp
(Includes 57 jokes and articles, 03 1059,30,cf,vYT3,18)
Click "Here" for Quotes-Commed-Supp2
ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio
Subj: Bill Maher - Political Correctness (S961d)
From: Real Time with Bill Maher
.......Click 'HERE' to hear Bill Maher express concern
.......about a new brand of politically correct censor-
.......ship that is threatening to silence comedy.
George Carlin - Seven Dirty Words (S801d)
From: YouTube.com on 5/20/2012
This video is the best parts
of George Carlin's twenty
minute routine titled "Seven Words You Can Never Say
on Television". Click 'HERE' to see and listen to the
most famous stand-up comedy routine in history.
Mark Lowry Comedy Video!! (S811d)
From: darrelldre on 7/27/2012
Photo from YouTube.com
Comedian Mark Lowery tells about
having a motorcycle wreck
(while not wearing a helmet) and what happened to him
afterwards. Click 'HERE' to listen to this very funny
comedian discuss when they cut his britches off.
Comedian Dan Nainan (S764d)
From: hilary.miller05 on 8/30/2011
Comedian Dan Nainan from the
DVD "Thou Shalt Laugh 2:
The Deuce," Dan Nainan jokes about the apparent mystery
of his background. Click 'HERE' to see this very funny
Jerry Seinfeld On Men And Women (S761d)
From: FunnyOrDie on 8/13/2011
Click on either source, or 'HERE'
for my copy, to see this
funny stand-up routine by Jerry Seinfeld.
John Pinette's "Goes Camping" (S757d)
From: tom on 7/15/11 (in Hunting-Supp)
Source: (Removed by Image Entertainment)
to see John Pinette doing his joke routine
about camping in a 2006 stand-up, comedy routine.
Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry Comedy Sketch (S742d)
From: Wimp.com on 3/23/2011 (in Englishman)
Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie perform
a hilarious short
comedy sketch in a police station. A man making a
statement has a surname that is pretty hard to pronounce!
Watch this classic moment from the ground-breaking comedy
sketch show 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie' for free with BBC
Worldwide. Click 'HERE' to see this very cute comedy
sketch from Hugh Laurie's early days on British TV.
Rick Gutierrez: Prostate Exam (S738d)
From: RoofTopComedy on 3/6/2010
To Enjoy A Colonoscopy' in Hospital1,
......'Scottish Colonoscopy' in Socttish,
......'Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal' in Doctor-Supp,
and 'The Colon-Rectal Surgeon Song' in Doctor1)
Rick Gutierrez performed this
very funny, stand-up
comedy routine at Cincinnati's "Go Bananas Comedy
Club." This two minute skit has been removed.
If you go to Source, you can
view nine comedy
routines by Rick. They are all so funny that
I cried with laughter at each one of them.
Tim Hawkins: Old Rock Star Songs (S736d)
From: sam.hutkins on 2/15/2011 (in Music2)
In source 1, Comedian Tim Hawkins
performs old rock
star songs at the 5th annual Laugh for Life Gala in
Edmonton, Alberta on Saturday, November 7, 2008.
His opening comedy routing is great, but the audience
isn't into his music.
In sources 2 and 3, Tim Hawkins
doesn't do his comedy
routing, but the audience is very into his songs about
famous Rock Stars.
Click 'HERE' for my copy of the second source.
Maz Jobrani, Iranian-American(S711d)
Comedian On TED on 8/31/2010
A founding member of the Axis
of Evil Comedy Tour, standup
comic Maz Jobrani riffs on the challenges and conflicts of
being Iranian-American -- "like, part of me thinks I should
have a nuclear program; the other part thinks I can't be
trusted ..." Click 'HERE' to hear this great comedian on TED.
Carol Burnett Show - Wrong Number (S710d)
From: CKButch4Femme on 8/23/2010 (in Movies2)
Photo from YouTube.com
The "Wrong Number" skit from
the Carol Burnet Show featuring
Carol and Tim Conway. Click 'HERE' to see this cute video.
Harpo/Chico Comic Piano Duet (S700b,d)
From: kgilmour2000 on 6/17/2010
Chico was an excellent pianist,
but Harpo was hopelessly
untalented on the guitar and piano. Together on the piano
they were great, funny and so talented that a crowd soon
formed. This is an excerpt from The Big Store (1941). It
is one of my favorite Marx Bros. moments. Click 'HERE' to
watch and listen to these two brothers do this great routine.
Hippieman On The Craig Ferguson Show (S703d)
From: Anonymous Jr. on 6/12/2010
My cousin sent me the following joke from Hippieman:
"So recently I was reading about
another teacher who was
having sex with a male student. And I thought: where were
all these teachers when I was in school. Just my luck my
teacher was a 70 year old overweight woman named Mrs. Fraker.
I did her anyway but ended up with a C- in the class. I
asked her after the semester was over: what would it take
to get it changed to an A? I found out and said: I'll take
the C-. I don't need an A after all. Which is how I became
I liked this joke so much, I
wanted to see the video of John
"Hippieman" Novosad performing it in the stand up routine on
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on 6/11/10. Click
'HERE' to see this great stand-up comedian perform this joke.
His delivery makes the joke even better.
Jerry Seinfeld - Stand Up Routine
From: YouTube.com on 5/2/2010 (S694d, S825)
to see Seinfeld's ten minute routine on taking
a commercial plane flight, McDonald's restaurants, expiration
dates on milk cartons, seedless watermelons, men's brains and
Robin Williams On Obama's Election (S662d)
From: satam3 on 9/15/2009
This video is Robin Williams'
comedy routine in England.
Prince Charles and Camilla were in the audience. Click
'HERE' to watch this great comedian.
The Copper Clapper Caper (S485, S743d)
From: LABLaughsClean on 5/3/2006
This is the excellent Tonight
Show skit done by Jack Webb and
Johnny Carson in 1968. You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: George Carlin's New Rules For 2008 (S580b)
From: tom on 2/29/2008
New Rule: No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be
just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff "you" want
and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that
pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I
already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything
that's served to you out a
window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
chili Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage
boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have
a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: Ladies, leave your
eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them?
Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing
as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but,
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is
called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with
old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the
time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in
the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated
the Starbucks order, the
bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a 'decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're
a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier!
By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering My PIN! number , pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back,
and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo
has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the
crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with
broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating
isn't a sport. It's one of
the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S.
Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes
at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's
next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing
that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger
mega M?Ms. If I'm extra
hungry for M?Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to
insist on making movies based
on crappy old television shows, then you have to give
everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's
playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: When I ask how old
your toddler is, I don't need
to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's
not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to
b e a credible adult and want
a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's
sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want
fries with that?'
Jeff Dunham And Walter (S535, S801d)
From: edapsmas on 4/20/2007
(See 'Achmed The Dead Terrorist' in Middle East)
How funny can a piece of wood
be? This is the funniest
video I've seen in a long long while. You can view
Jeff and Walter on this episode of "Best Damn Sports Show"
by clicking on the source.
Subj: Red Skelton's Tip For A Happy Marriage!!! (S419)
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/4/2005
(Just visualizing Red delivering
this humor makes me smile.
Humor without profanity... ...WHAT A CONCEPT!
1. Two times a week, we go to
a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, then comes good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate
Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her
4. I asked my wife where she
wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender,
electric toaster and
electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too
many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought
her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't
running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the
car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked
great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage
truck, yelling "Am I too
late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just
didn't know her first
name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife
in 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked "What's
on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
From: igiggle@ on 11/28/2005 (S462b)
There are three ages of man: youth, middle age,
and "Gee, you look good." -- Red Skelton
Party In The Stomach (S575d)
Comedy Routine by Jim Breuer
From: tom on 1/17/2008 (in drinking-supp)
Jim Breuer describes a thing
we all have had once or twice.
Click 'HERE' to view this is a very good comedy routine.
Subj: Remembering Bob Hope (S371)
From: Imogenelumen on 3/1/2004
ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80: "That's the time
of life when even your
birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90: "You know you're
getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100: "I don't feel
old. In fact I don't feel
anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY BOXING
CAREER: "I ruined my hands in
the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS: "They spend the first
six days of each week
sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday
and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome
to the Academy Awards
or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession.
Show business just pays
the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed
for 12 presidents and
entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS
CAREER: "When I was born,
the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You
have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL
GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very
humble, but I think I have the strength of character
to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY:
"Four of us slept in one
bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's
how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I wouldn't
have had anything to eat
if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done
benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
From: igiggle on 4/9/2003 (S324b)
I don't feel eighty. In fact, I don't feel anything til
noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope
From NBC News on 7/27/03 (S339b)
Before his death Bob Hope's wife Dolores asked him where
he wanted to be buried. Bob's answer was "Suprise me!"
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/22/2005 (S444b)
"Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better
in the morning." -- Bob Hope
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/26/2002
"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the
Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."
Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny
Mrs. Hughes' Comedy (S570d)
From: darrellvip on 12/19/2007
Mrs. Hughes is a very funny comedian,
especially for the
older generation. Click 'HERE' to hear Mrs. Hughes live
at the Ice House.
Subj: Andy Rooney Interview On 60 Minutes (S330)
From: gibbz on 5/23/2003
The views expressed in this posting
are not necessarily the
views of the management, but they're still rather pithy and
many are worth consideration.
Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes
a few weeks back:
(for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is a
82 year old US TV commentator)
I like big cars, big boats, big
motorcycles, big houses
and big campfires.
I believe the money I make belongs
to me and my family,
not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who
wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting
Guns do not make you a killer.
I think killing makes you
a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a
car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the
I believe they are called the
Boy Scouts for a reason,
that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in
the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality
is wrong, it is
not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I don't think being a minority
makes you a victim of
anything except numbers. The only things I can think
of that are truly discriminatory are things like the
United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment
Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things
like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine,
White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America;
and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking
down your door.
I have the right "NOT" to be
tolerant of others because
they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get
arrested are black, in
cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not
racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I know what sex is, and there
are not varying degrees of
it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my
office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal
business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
I believe that if you are selling
me a milk shake, a pack
of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do
it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an
American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't
die in vain so you can
leave the countries you were born in to come over and
disrespect ours. I think the police should have every
right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after
they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word
"freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I feel much safer letting a machine
with no political
affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the
definition of lying is.
I don't think just because you
were not born in this
country, you are qualified for any special loan programs,
government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so
you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any
We did not go to the aid of certain
foreign countries and
risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that
decades later they could come over here and tell us our
constitution is a living document; and open to their
I don't hate the rich.
I don't pity the poor. I know
pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television.
That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I believe a self-righteous liberal
or conservative with
a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every
right to keep every penny he
made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go
and invent the next operating system that's better, and
put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that
invented the Internet to help you.
It doesn't take a whole village
to raise a child right,
but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and
smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
"I think tattoos and piercing
are fine if you want them,
but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I
don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you
serve me french fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness."
I know a lot of
black people, and not a single one of them was born in
Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides,
Africa is a continent.
I don't go around saying I am
a European-American because
my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather
was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and no-
And if you don't like my point
of view, tough.
DON'T PASS IT ON!!
Subj: More Andy Rooney (S317b)
From: gheckman on 2/20/2003
(See 'Words Of Wisdom' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED1)
1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year
to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks
apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live
in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give
free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours
a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if
they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me,
sniffing, then saying under their breath," Married!"
and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives
mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but
it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men
wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We
just wake up and we want you. And the women are
thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the
morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no
blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always
like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents
to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up
looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for
what you believe you're not sure about." This guy
probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say,
"I'm not in the mood."
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They Use words like 'Cripes'. 'For
Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm
not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think
of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering
wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages
on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too.
The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
of being positive, your test results are back. Stop
sharing the love."
9. Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been
spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on
Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by
the year 2030 there will be a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections...
who can't remember what to do with them.
10. Andy Rooney on the Supreme
To view Andy Rooney's opinion of the U.S. Supreme Court,
the founding fathers and God click 'HERE'.
Johnny Carson and Dom deLuise (S627, S801d)
From: tom on 1/14/2009 (in Movies-Supp2)
Dom deLuise does a magic act
on the Johnny Carson Show.
This routine is very, very funny. Don't miss this one.
Click 'HERE' to see this wonderful routine.
George Gobel On The Johnny Carson Show
From: LABLaughsClean (in Movies-Supp2)
on 1/12/2009 (S629, S801d)
Bob Hope, Dean Martin, and George
Gobel on the Johnny
Carson Show in 1969. Click 'HERE' to see this very
Subj: Other Comedian Quotations
"Osama Bin Laden" Song Performed
By Frank Skinner (S712d)
From: CKButch4Femme on Facebook on 9/6/10
Jack Benny: Your Money Or Your Life (S704d)
From: Anonymous Jr. on 7/10/2010
Photo from MortysTV.com
Or listen by clicking on
Seinfeld: How To Respond To A Telemarketer
From: Wimp.com on 1/22/2010 (S680d, S826)
Patsy Cline Song/Comedy Video (S631b,d)
From: darrellvip on 2/10/2009
Bill Maher's New Rules (S551)
From: rfslick on 8/9/2007
Photo from BarnesAndNoble.com...
More George Carlin #2 (S512c)
From: momndadac on 11/10/2006
Drawing from JSOnline
Crazy World by Chris Rock (S323)
From: kmacinty on 4/9/2003
10 Funny Movie Quotes (S709d)
From: YouTube.com on 8/16/2010
TEDx - John Cassidy's Talk
On Kindness (S721d)
From: Wimp.com on 11/10/2010
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/15/2005
"Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser.
I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out
of them." -- Chris Rock
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/30/2005
"We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when
we went to bed." -- Chris Rock
Also see 'Chris
Rock On Police Ass Kicking' in Black1
From: oke-of-the-day.com on 4/18/03
I've had great success being a total idiot.
-- Jerry Lewis
From: igiggle on 4/22/03 (S325b)
Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
-- James Thurber
From: igiggle on 7/6/2004 (S388b)
You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
-- Jay Leno
From: igiggle on 7/5/2004 (S389b)
What's a home without a mother? Dirty. -- Soupy Sales
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/24/2005
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight." -- George Gobol.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/16/2005
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest,
craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all
you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five
minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're
alright. We are dang near royalty." -- Jeff Foxworthy
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/11/2005
"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make
strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and
Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/15/2006
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled
for a reason." -- Jerry Seinfeld
From: igiggle on 12/13/2005 (S463b)
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them
in time for Christmas. -- Johnny Carson
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/8/2006
"Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell
what religion they are." -- Robin Williams
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/2/2006
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere." -- Billy Crystal