Subj: Quotations By Comedians-Supp (Gz)
(Includes 42 jokes and articles)
Talking Man
from
ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio
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Subj: Quotations By Comedians-Supp (Gz) (Includes 42 jokes and articles) |
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Talking Man from ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio |
| Subj:
The Copper Clapper Caper (S485)
From: LABLaughsClean on 5/3/2006 |
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Subj: George
Carlin's New Rules For 2008 (S580b)
From: tom on 2/29/2008
New Rule: No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be
just for weddings. Now
it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff "you" want
and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving,
it's the white people version
of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that
pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk
to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I
already know what the captain
of the football team is doing
these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything
that's served to you out a
window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all
shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's
chili Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage
boys who have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are
permanently damaged . I have
a better description for these
kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: Ladies, leave your
eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows:
Do you have two of them?
Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing
as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at
the supermarket, water, but,
without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is
called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with
old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a
bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the
time grandpa figures out how
to open it, his ass will be in
the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated
the Starbucks order, the
bigger the asshole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order
a 'decaf grande, half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're
a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier!
By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering My
PIN! number , pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want Cash back,
and pressing 'Enter' again,
the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your
tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you Spiritual.
It's right above the
crack of your ass. And
it translates to 'beef with
broccoli.' The last time
you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just
high.
New Rule: Competitive eating
isn't a sport. It's one of
the seven deadly sins.
ESPN Recently televised the U.S.
Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes
at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's
next, competitive farting? Oh
wait, they're already doing
that. It's called 'The
Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger
mega M&Ms. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to
insist on making movies based
on crappy old television shows,
then you have to give
everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's
playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason
something was a television show
in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough
to be a movie.
New Rule: When I ask how old
your toddler is, I don't need
to hear '27 months.' 'He's
two' will do just fine. He's
not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to
b e a credible adult and want
a job that pays better than
Minimum wage, then for God's
sake don't pierce or tattoo
every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future
around saying, 'Do you want
fries with that?'
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Subj: Red
Skelton's Tip For A Happy Marriage!!! (S419)
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/4/2005
(Just visualizing Red delivering
this humor makes me smile.
Humor without profanity... ...WHAT
A CONCEPT!
1. Two times a week, we go to
a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage,
then comes good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays,
I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate
beds.
Hers is in Ontario
and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her
way back.
4. I asked my wife where she
wanted to go for our
anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said. So I
suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender,
electric toaster and
electric bread
maker. Then she said "There are too
many gadgets and
no place to sit down!" So I bought
her an electric
chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't
running well because
there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the
car was, she told
me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked
great for two days.
Then the mud fell
off.
9. She ran after the garbage
truck, yelling "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just
didn't know her first
name was
Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife
in 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt
her.
13. The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked "What's
on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
From: igiggle@ on 11/28/2005 (S462b)
There are three ages of man:
youth, middle age,
and "Gee, you look good."
-- Red Skelton
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Subj: Remembering
Bob Hope (S371)
From: Imogenelumen on 3/1/2004
ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80: "That's the time
of life when even your
birthday suit needs
pressing."
ON TURNING 90: "You know you're
getting old when the
candles cost more
than the cake."
ON TURNING 100: "I don't feel
old. In fact I don't feel
anything until
noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY BOXING
CAREER: "I ruined my hands in
the ring ... the
referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS: "They spend the first
six days of each week
sowing their wild
oats, then they go to church on Sunday
and pray for crop
failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome
to the Academy Awards
or, as it's called
at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession.
Show business just pays
the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed
for 12 presidents and
entertained only
six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS
CAREER: "When I was born,
the doctor said
to my mother, 'Congratulations. You
have an eight-pound
ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL
GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very
humble, but I think
I have the strength of character
to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY:
"Four of us slept in one
bed. When
it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's
how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the
bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I wouldn't
have had anything to eat
if it wasn't for
the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done
benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow
the hereafter on a technicality.
From: igiggle on 4/9/2003 (S324b)
I don't feel eighty. In
fact, I don't feel anything til
noon. Then it's time for
my nap. -- Bob Hope
From NBC News on 7/27/03 (S339b)
Before his death Bob Hope's
wife Dolores asked him where
he wanted to be buried.
Bob's answer was "Suprise me!"
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/22/2005 (S444b)
"Middle age is when you still
believe you'll feel better
in the morning." -- Bob
Hope
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/26/2002
(S269c)
"When they asked Jack Benny
to do something for the
Actor's Orphanage - he shot
both his parents and moved in."
Bob Hope talking about Jack
Benny
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Subj:
Jeff Dunham And Walter (S535)
From: edapsmas on 4/20/2007 |
How funny can a piece of wood
be? This is the funniest
video I've seen in a long long
while. You can view this
12,300 KB movie at either source
above, or on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Andy
Rooney Interview On 60 Minutes (S330)
From: gibbz on 5/23/2003
The views expressed in this posting
are not necessarily the
views of the management, but
they're still rather pithy and
many are worth consideration.
Steve
Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes
a few weeks back:
(for those of you that don't
know Andy Rooney, he is a
82 year old US TV commentator)
I like big cars, big boats, big
motorcycles, big houses
and big campfires.
I believe the money I make belongs
to me and my family,
not some governmental stooge
with a bad comb-over who
wants to give it away to crack
addicts for squirting
out babies.
Guns do not make you a killer.
I think killing makes you
a killer. You can kill
someone with a baseball bat or a
car, but no one is trying to
ban you from driving to the
ball game.
I believe they are called the
Boy Scouts for a reason,
that is why there are no girls
allowed. Girls belong in
the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU
LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality
is wrong, it is
not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I don't think being a minority
makes you a victim of
anything except numbers.
The only things I can think
of that are truly discriminatory
are things like the
United Negro College Fund, Jet
Magazine, Black Entertainment
Television, and Miss Black America.
Try to have things
like the United Caucasian College
Fund, Cloud Magazine,
White Entertainment Television,
or Miss White America;
and see what happens.
Jesse Jackson will be knocking
down your door.
I have the right "NOT" to be
tolerant of others because
they are different, weird, or
tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get
arrested are black, in
cities where 70% of the population
is black, that is not
racial profiling, it is the
Law of Probability.
I know what sex is, and there
are not varying degrees of
it. If I received sex
from one of my subordinates in my
office, it wouldn't be a private
matter or my personal
business. I would be "FIRED"
immediately!
I believe that if you are selling
me a milk shake, a pack
of cigarettes, a newspaper or
a hotel room, you must do
it in English! As a matter
of fact, if you want to be an
American citizen, you should
have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't
die in vain so you can
leave the countries you were
born in to come over and
disrespect ours. I think
the police should have every
right to shoot your sorry self
if you threaten them after
they tell you to stop.
If you can't understand the word
"freeze" or "stop" in English,
see the above lines.
I feel much safer letting a machine
with no political
affiliation recount votes when
needed. I know what the
definition of lying is.
I don't think just because you
were not born in this
country, you are qualified for
any special loan programs,
government sponsored bank loans
or tax breaks, etc., so
you can open a hotel, coffee
shop, trinket store, or any
other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain
foreign countries and
risk our lives in wars to defend
their freedoms, so that
decades later they could come
over here and tell us our
constitution is a living document;
and open to their
interpretations.
I don't hate the rich.
I don't pity the poor. I know
pro wrestling is fake, but so
are movies and television.
That doesn't stop you from watching
them.
I believe a self-righteous liberal
or conservative with
a cause is more dangerous than
a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every
right to keep every penny he
made and continue to make more.
If it ticks you off, go
and invent the next operating
system that's better, and
put your name on the building.
Ask your buddy that
invented the Internet to help
you.
It doesn't take a whole village
to raise a child right,
but it does take a parent to
stand up to the kid; and
smack their little behinds when
necessary, and say "NO!"
"I think tattoos and piercing
are fine if you want them,
but please don't pretend they
are a political statement.
And, please, stay home until
that new lip ring heals. I
don't want to look at your ugly
infected mouth as you
serve me french fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness."
I know a lot of
black people, and not a single
one of them was born in
Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"?
Besides,
Africa is a continent.
I don't go around saying I am
a European-American because
my great, great, great, great,
great, great grandfather
was from Europe. I am
proud to be from America and no-
where else.
And if you don't like my point
of view, tough.
DON'T PASS IT ON!!
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Subj: More
Andy Rooney (S317b)
From: gheckman on 2/20/2003
(See 'Words
Of Wisdom' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED1)
1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old
Indian word meaning
'lousy hunter.'"
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand
dollars a year
to house each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks
apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live
in Los Angeles. I already have
bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give
free room and board to
criminals. I think they should
have to run twelve hours
a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if
they don't want to run, they
can
rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener.
I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me,
sniffing, then saying under
their breath," Married!"
and walking away. Fabric
Softeners are how our wives
mark their territory.
We can take off the ring, but
it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your
clothes.
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different
in the morning. We men
wake up aroused in the morning.
We can't help it. We
just wake up and we want you.
And the women are
thinking, 'How can he want me
the way I look in the
morning?' It's because
we can't see you. We have no
blood anywhere near our optic
nerve.
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people
call in and vote on
different issues? Did
you ever notice there's always
like 18% that say "I don't know."
It costs 90 cents
to call up and vote and they're
voting "I don't know."
Honey, I feel very strongly
about this. Give me the
phone. (Says into phone) "I
DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up
looking proud.) Sometimes
you have to stand up for
what you believe you're not
sure about." This guy
probably calls up phone sex
girls for $2.95 to say,
"I'm not in the mood."
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest.
Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They Use
words like 'Cripes'. 'For
Cripe's sake.' Who would
that be -- Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church
of 'Holy Moly'? I'm
not making fun of it. You think
I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper
sticker on her car that
says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'
You don't want to think
of your grandmother that way,
do you? Out entering
wet shawl contests. Makes
you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for
your birthday.
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these
corny, positive messages
on someone's answering machine?
" Hi , it's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too.
The thought for the day is:
"Share the love." Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling.... Speaking
of being positive, your test
results are back. Stop
sharing the love."
9. Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years,
more money has been
spent on breast implants and
Viagra than is spent on
Alzheimer's Disease research,
it is believed that by
the year 2030 there will be
a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts
and erections...
who can't remember what to do
with them.
10. Andy Rooney on the Supreme
Court
To view Andy Rooney's opinion
of the U.S. Supreme Court,
the founding fathers and God
click 'HERE'.
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Subj: Other
Comedian Quotations
| Subj:
Party In The Stomach (S575 in drinking-supp)
From: tom on 1/17/2008 |
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Subj:
Mrs. Hughes' Comedy (S570)
From: darrellvip on 12/19/2007 Source: http://www.mrshughes.com/ |
| Subj:
Bill Maher's New Rules (S551)
From: rfslick on 8/9/2007 Photo from
BarnesAndNoble.com...
|
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Subj:
More George Carlin #2 (S512c)
From: momndadac on 11/10/2006 Drawing from JSOnline |
| Subj:
Crazy World by Chris Rock (S323)
From: kmacinty on 4/9/2003 |
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From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/15/2005
(S443b)
"Right now, my job is that I'm
like an ambulance chaser.
I've got to look for movies
with white guys falling out
of them." -- Chris Rock
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/30/2005
(S467b)
"We were so poor my daddy unplugged
the clocks when
we went to bed." -- Chris
Rock
Also see 'Chris
Rock On Police Ass Kicking' in Black1
From: oke-of-the-day.com on 4/18/03
(S325b)
I've had great success being
a total idiot.
-- Jerry Lewis
From: igiggle on 4/22/03 (S325b)
Humor is emotional chaos remembered
in tranquility.
-- James Thurber
From: igiggle on 7/6/2004 (S388b)
You're not famous until my mother
has heard of you.
-- Jay Leno
From: igiggle on 7/5/2004 (S389b)
What's a home without a mother?
Dirty. -- Soupy Sales
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/24/2005
(S444b)
"If it weren't for electricity
we'd all be watching
television by candlelight."
-- George Gobol.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/16/2005
(S446b)
"If you ever start feeling like
you have the goofiest,
craziest, most dysfunctional
family in the world, all
you have to do is go to a state
fair. Because five
minutes at the fair, you'll
be going, 'you know, we're
alright. We are dang near royalty."
-- Jeff Foxworthy
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/11/2005
(S454b)
"The Four Levels of Comedy:
Make your friends laugh, Make
strangers laugh, Get paid to
make strangers laugh, and
Make people talk like you because
it's so much fun."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/15/2006
(S469b)
"Sometimes the road less traveled
is less traveled
for a reason." -- Jerry
Seinfeld
From: igiggle on 12/13/2005 (S463b)
Mail your packages early so
the post office can lose them
in time for Christmas.
-- Johnny Carson
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/8/2006
(S481b)
"Ballet: Men wearing pants so
tight that you can tell
what religion they are."
-- Robin Williams
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/2/2006
(S492b)
"By the time a man is wise enough
to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere."
-- Billy Crystal
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Sixth faceless smiley from
Kurrus.Net |