.
>>>
Subj:.....Quotations By Comedians-Supp2
..........(Includes 76 jokes, 16 1123,31,cf,wXT3b8b,30)

..........L5 Update
.


Laughing Tongue
from
AllMySoaceGraphics.com
Includes the following:  You Bet Your Life w/Groucho Marx - 2 Videos (S870)
.........................Eddie Murphy - The Ice Cream Man - Video (S1073)
.........................Rodney Dangerfield On The Johnny Carson Show (S1013)
.........................George Carlin's "Stuff" Routine (S1008)
.........................Brainstorm With Arnold Schwarzenegger - Video (S962)
.........................Jack Benny and Mel Blanc - Video (S953)
.........................Kyle Kinane's Stand-Up - Video (S945)
.........................W. C. Fields' Money Quote (S1059)
.........................Jim Gaffigan's Standup Routine (S938)
.........................Amy G Plays The Kazoo - Video (S893)
.........................Jim Carrey - Lincoln Ads On SNL (S928)
.........................Huffington Post's Memoriam To Robin Williams (S917)
.........................Hari Kondabolu On Conan On 6/16/14 - Video (S912)
.........................Jonathan Winters "The Stick" - Video (S886)
.........................Late Night Joke Archive (S283)
.........................Smothers Brothers - 'I'm a Pilot' - Video (S885)
.........................Jonathan Winters And Robin Williams On Johnny Carson (S885)
.........................Foster Brooks Tells A Funny Joke - Video (S877)
.........................Jerry Seinfeld Performs Stand-Up - Video (S858)
.........................Brad Zimmerman - My Son The Waiter - Video (S865)
.........................The Jovers - Video (S825)
.........................Bill Cosby Discusses Drugs - Video (S841)
.........................Mary Maxwell Gives A Funny Invocation Prayer - Video (S820)
.........................Jeff Dunham and Walter At Spark Of Insanity - Videos (S820)
.........................Father Guido Sarducci's Life Is A Job - Video (S814)
.........................'Joking Bad' With Jimmy Fallon - Video (S871)
.........................Abbott Teaches Costello On Computers (S63, S747)
.........................Red Skelton On Tonight Show - Video (S1112)
.........................Red Skelton's Hair Routine - Video (S1122)
.........................Red Skelton In Canada In 1982 - Video (S1123)

.........................Famous Comedian One Liners
..............................6 Milton Berle One Liners
..............................19 George Burns One Liners
..............................3 Gracie Allen One Liners
..............................Other Comedian One Liners
..............................

===========================================================Top
Subj:     You Bet Your Life
.............w/Groucho Marx
          in 2013 (S870d-iFrame)

 This is an hilarious episode of You Bet Your Life.  It
 was a 50's game show hosted by Groucho Marx and one of
 the two contestants this day was Ramiro G. Gonzale.
 Ramiro was a very socially unaware, awkward, and
 hilarious individual.  You have to love this guy!
 Ramiro G. Gonzales went on to be an Hispanic comedic 
 legend as explained on Wikipedia at
 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedro_Gonzalez-Gonzalez
.
.Photo from YouTube.com
Subj: Part1
...Source1: www.youtube.com/
............embed/C0mucg6nN_g
...Source2: www.chonday.com/
...Videos/funny-mexican-guy-with-
...groucho-marx#.UfVbmBN44QQ.email
.
 Click 'HERE' to see the first part of this very
 funny You Bet Your Life.
.
.
Subj: Part2

...Source3: www.youtube.com/
............embed/bL8jsfUWXYI
.Photo from YouTube.com

.
 Click 'HERE' to see the second part of this very
 funny You Bet Your Life.
.
Top
Subj:     Eddie Murphy - Ice Cream Man
          From: Domenic Manchester
..........in 2017 (S1073d-On Site)
 Source: www.youtube.com/em
.........bed/Vg-csjbwo5s

 In 1983, Eddie did his 70-minute show Delirious, a
 legendary stand up special. Filmed at DAR Constitution
 Hall in Washington, D.C., it included his classic
 "Ice Cream Man" bit. Click 'HERE' to see it.

Top
Subj:     Rodney Dangerfield On The Johnny Carson Show
          From: Dalt Williams in 2016 (S1013d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/4c4s_9UaxLQ
.
 Click 'HERE' to see Rodney Dangerfield On The Johnny Carson Show
 in 1981.
.
Top
Subj:     George Carlin's "Stuff" Routine
          From: Roger Ford on Facebook
..........in 2016 (S1008d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/MvgN5gCuLac

 Click 'HERE' to see George Carlin first performed his "stuff"
 routine for Comic Relief in 1986.

Top
Subj:     Brainstorm With Arnold Schwarzenegger (S962d-On Site)
          From: Tonight Show w/Jimmy Fallon
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/OTaKFMM3dpw
 Source2: www.facebook.com/video.
..........php?v=10153436121963896
.
 Click 'HERE' to see Jimmy and Arnold  Schwarzenegger link
 their brains for the Tonight Show.
.
Top
Subj:     Jack Benny and Mel Blanc
          From: Joan Lamb
..........(S953d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/o1FUgqn2y1g

 This 1957 episode of the Jack Benny Show featured Mel Blanc's
 dog impersonations and whats in a name.  Click 'HERE' to see
 this very funny routine.

Top
Subj:     Kyle Kinane's Stand-Up (S945d-iFrame)
          Made by: Tonight Show w/Jimmy Fallon
          From: Kathryn Jean Brosseau on Facebook
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/AivvCn5V8Rw

 Comedian Kyle Kinane's Stand Up on The Tonight Show
 was awesome!  Kyle tells jokes about getting old and
 talking to himself. Click 'HERE' to see this stand-up
 routine.

Top
Subj:     W. C. Fields' Money Quote (S1059)
          From: bletterman265 in 2017
 Source: www.pinterest.com/pin/495044184020745866/

 (See 'Quotes From W.C. Fields' in Movies_Etc-Fields)
.
..........
.
.
Top
Subj:     Jim Gaffigan's Standup Routine
          Made by: jimgaffigan (S938d-iFrame)
          From: Jenny Yandell on Facebook
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/GEbZrY0G9PI
 Source2: www.faithtap.com/2267/jim-gaffigan-4-kids/

 Jim Gaffigan is a father of four and has some insights
 into the life he leads with his family.  From his
 hilarious stand up performance, "Mr. Universe", he
 explains his wife's open door policy that has led to
 the kids providing him with many sleepless nights.
 Click 'HERE' to see this brilliant comedian do a
 standup routine.

Top
Subj:     Amy G Plays The Kazoo (S893)
          Posted by BloGotinha(d-iframe)
          From: Bonita Ahlers on Facebook 
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/iLV2UL5qipE
 Source2: www.youtube.com/embed/TjBJNwbcyfw

 Amy G is a revolutionary cabaret comedienne, who tours the
 world in theatres, cabarets, festivals and circuses.  She
 roller skates, plays a mean ukulele, sings bawdy jazz tunes,
 and makes fun of American politics.  She's playing a music
 with some funny instruments stuck in inappropriate funny
 places.  Click 'HERE' to see this very funny, very
 inappropriate, stand-up routine.

Top
Subj:     Jim Carrey - Lincoln Ads On SNL
          From: Saturday Night Live
..........(S928 d-iframe)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/z3eN9u5N2Q4

 Jim Carrey hosted "SNL" on Saturday and one of his first
 sketches out of the gate was a pretty hilarious parody of
 those weird Lincoln car ads Matthew McConaughey has been
 doing lately. Click 'HERE' to see Jim Carrey brilliantly
 mock Matthew McConaughey.

Top
Subj:     Huffington Post's Memoriam To Robin Williams
          Created by Huffington Post (S917d-On Site)
 Source: www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152386865206130

 From a wacky scientist in "Flubber" to a cross-dressing man in
 "Mrs. Doubtfire," Robin Williams' roles are always diverse and
 inspiring.  Here are a few of our favorites in this memoriam
 created by The Huffington Post.  Click 'HERE' to see this very
 moving tribute to Robin.

Top
Subj:     Hari Kondabolu On Conan
          Published by Hari Kondabolu
..........in 2014 (S912d-iframe)
 Source: youtube.com/embed/igITq2SG6xE

 Hari Kondabolu does a six minute, stand-up comedy routine
 on his second appearance on Conan on June 16th, 2014.
 Click 'HERE' to see this very funny, comedy routine.

Top
Subj:     Jonathan Winters "The Stick" (S886)
          From: afine963 in 2014 (d-iframe)
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/wwWDa1xPTPA

 On April 10,1964, Jonathan Winters appeared on The
 Jack Paar Show.  Jack handed Jonathan a stick and
 said "Do something with the stick."  Click 'HERE'
 to see the 'father of improvisational comedy' at
 his best.

Top
Subj:     Late Night Joke Archive (S283)
          From: newsmax.com in 2002

Monday, July 1 (rerun)
Leno
 They showed [Robert] Blake on the news at the jail with his
 priest.  Then I realized, that's not his priest, that was
 his cellmate!

 Jesse Jackson was in a car accident this week.  No one was
 hurt, but the two women in the other car are now pregnant.

Letterman
 This show is like a Florida flight school - we'll let anyone in!

 I was just telling the crowd about this before I came out.
 All of a sudden it has gotten hot here.  It's like the middle
 of summer now.  It was so hot today that Catholic priests were
 defrocking themselves!

Friday Night June 28
Leno
 It was so hot today, out in Barstow the crystal meth labs
 were making more money selling Sno Cones.

 And in Burbank, I was sweating like God trying to sneak
 into a public school.

 Call me cynical, but my favorite part of this whole thing
 ... did you see those congressmen on the news yesterday?
 Out on the Capitol steps holding their hearts saying the
 Pledge of Allegiance right in front of TV cameras.  Man,
 those guys were grabbing their hearts harder than Dick
 Cheney after a couple cheeseburgers.

 President Bush scheduled to undergo a colonoscopy tomorrow.
 You never know where that Osama bin Laden might be hiding!

 I guess this is pretty easy for the anesthesiologist to
 put Bush under.  They're just going to slip him a pretzel.

 A retailer in Sweden is now launching a line of paper
 underwear.  Underwear made of paper.  They can't be washed
 but you can clean them with an eraser.

Top
Subj:     Smothers Brothers - 'I'm a Pilot'
          From: tom in 2013 (S885d-iframe)
 Source: youtube.com/embed/hEiU-8gx0hc

 This is a video clip from October 6, 2008 of the Smothers
 Brothers on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.
 Click 'HERE' to see Smothers Brothers' very funny routine.

Top
Subj:     Jonathan Winters And Robin Williams
.............On The Johnny Carson's Show (S885)
          From: Johnny Carson Show (d-iframe)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/_NqEKvk9F4I

 Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams appeared together on
 the Johnny Carson's show in one of the funniest moments.
 The episode first air on September 19,1991.  Click 'HERE'
 to see Jonathan and Robin feed on each others silliness.

Top
Subj:     Foster Brooks Tells A Funny Joke
          From: Richie Hodge in 2013 
..........(S877d-iframe)
 Source1: youtube.com/embed/Y9z3sh9ZTNs
 Source2: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foster_Brooks

 Foster Brooks (May 11, 1912 - December 20, 2001) was an
 American actor and comedian most famous for his portrayal
 of a lovable drunken man in nightclub performances and
 television programs.

 In this stand-up routine, Foster Brooks tells a funny joke
 about a preacher who rides a bicycle.  Foster acting drunk
 throughout the joke.  Click 'HERE' to hear Foster's funny joke.

Top
Subj:     Jerry Seinfeld Performs Stand-Up on Late
.............Night w/Jimmy Fallon (S858d-iFrame)
          Published by Late Night w/Jimmy Fallon
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/HfYzlSNHapA

 Jerry Seinfeld performs jokes about cell phones, technology,
 and the U.S. Postal Service on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.
 Click 'HERE' to see this great stand-up comedian.

Top
Subj:     Brad Zimmerman - My Son The Waiter
          From: sam.hutkins in 2013 (d-iframe)
 Source: www.youtube.com/Q9oz3Mb81MY (S865)

 Brad Zimmerman performs his comedic one-person show about his
 lengthy, and I mean lengthy, struggle to be an actor in New
 York City.  Click 'HERE' to see this great one-person show.

Top
Subj:     The Jovers (S825d-iFrame)
          From: tom in 2012
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source1: www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrlKxJ7yQbo
 Source2: www.biggeekdad.com/2012/05/the-jovers/

 The Jovers were a husband and wife funny vaudeville-
 style act that is wonderfully entertaining as it's
 witty and Fe Jover's laugh is contagious.  In this
 clip they are performing live at the MGM in Reno in
 1980. Fe is now 83 and lives with her daughter as
 her husband passed away a short time ago.  Click
 'HERE' to enjoy the laughter of Fe.

Top
Subj:     Bill Cosby Discusses Drugs
          in 2013(S841d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/h7AAuf0xO58

 This is a Stand-up comedy performance by the well known
 artist Bill Cosby.  It's too hilarious.  Cosby talks
 about the behavior of people when they take drugs.

 Click 'HERE' to see these very funny stand-up routine.

Top
Subj:     Mary Maxwell Gives A Funny Invocation Prayer
          Posted by: Mel's Video of the Day
          From: rfslick in 2012 (S820d-iFrame)
 Source1: www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPFCn3itBFE
 Source2: www.coolestone.com/media/4617/
..........Funny-Prayer-About-Getting-Old/

 This funny prayer about getting old was given with the
 timing of a professional comedian.  This diminutive
 "little old lady" named Mary Maxwell shines a very
 funny light on the foibles of aging, to the delight
 of an audience filled with senior-care experts.  Click
 'HERE' to listen and see Mary Maxwell's invocation.

Top
Subj:     Jeff Dunham and Walter At
.............Spark Of Insanity (S820)
          From: tom in 2012 (d-On Site)

 Jeff Dunham and his friend Walter did part of the show
 'Spark Of Insanity', in Washington DC.  You can see
 Jeff's other friends Peanut, Achmed, and Superhero in
 the show by going to YouTube.com and choosing one at
 www.youtube.com/results?search_query=jeff+dunham+spark
 +of+insanity?oq=jeff+dunham+spark+of+insanity?gs_l=you
 tube.1.0.0l10.241703.244453.0.248546.11.11.0.0.0.0.14
 1.1093.6j5.11.0...0.0...1ac.1.5Pn3cJ5iXTs
.
Subj:     Spark Of Insanity Part 1
 Source: www.youtube.com/
.........embed/qcAq6fRADzI
Drawing from mmii.info
 Click 'HERE' to see Part 1 of this very funny routine.
.
.
Subj:     Spark Of Insanity Part 2
 Source: (Removed from youtube.com)
.
Drawing from Cheezburger.com
 Click 'HERE' to see Part 2 of this very funny routine.
.
.
Subj:     Spark Of Insanity Part 3
 Source: (Removed from youtube.com)
.
Drawing from TVRage.com
 Click 'HERE' to see Part 3 of this very funny routine.
.
Top
Subj:     Father Guido Sarducci's
.............Life Is A Job
          in 2012 (S814d-On Site)
 Source: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Father_Guido_Sarducci

 Father Guido Sarducci is a fictional character made famous
 by American comedian Don Novello.  Sarducci is a chain-
 smoking priest with tinted eyeglasses.  He worked in the
 United States as a gossip columnist and rock critic for
 the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano.

 In this comedy routine performed in 1980, Father Guido
 Sarducci explains the meaning of life.  Life is a job,
 translates in Italian to Vita e un lavoro and in Latin
 to Vita est Officium.  Click 'HERE' to see this great,
 nostalgic, explanation of life.

Top
Subj:     'Joking Bad' With Jimmy Fallon
..........From: HuffingtonPost.com
..........in 2013 (S871d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/duKL2dAJN6I

 Somehow, 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon' still manages to
 surprise us with how far they're willing to go in the name
 of comedy.  This 13-minute 'Breaking Bad' parody, with
 Jimmy as Walter White and Steve Higgins as Jesse, is late
 night ambition at its finest.

 Click 'HERE' to see Jimmy tell the purest joke.  You will
 laugh your ass off.

Top
Subj:     Abbott Teaches Costello On Computers (S63, S747)
          From: RFSlick in 2005 and 2008

 (See 'Abbott And Costello 13 X 7 is 28' - Video in Math2)
  and 'Who's On First' in BASEBALL
  and 'Bush Does "Who's on first?"' in POLIT-BUSH)

 You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello,
 and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate
 this.

 If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
 sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like
 this:

 COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

 ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
           thinking about buying a computer.

 ABBOTT: Mac?

 COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

 ABBOTT: Your computer?

 COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

 ABBOTT: Mac?

 COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

 ABBOTT: What about Windows?

 COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

 ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

 COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

 ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

 COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

 ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

 COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
          write proposals, track expenses and run my business.
           What do you have?

 ABBOTT: Office.

 COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

 ABBOTT: I just did.

 COSTELLO: You just did what?

 ABBOTT: Recommend something.

 COSTELLO: You recommended something?

 ABBOTT: Yes.

 COSTELLO: For my office?

 ABBOTT: Yes.

 COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

 ABBOTT: Office.

 COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

 ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

 COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
          just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to
           type a proposal. What do I need?

 ABBOTT: Word.

 COSTELLO: What word?

 ABBOTT: Word in Office.

 COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

 ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

 ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

 COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start
          with some straight answers. OK, forget that.  Can I
           watch movies on the Internet?

 ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

 COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon.  What I watch is
           none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

 ABBOTT: Real One.

 COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2,
          3 and 4. Can I watch them?

 ABBOTT: Of course.

 COSTELLO: Great! With what?

 ABBOTT: Real One.

 COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
           What do I do?

 ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

 COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

 ABBOTT: The blue "1".

 COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

 ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue " W" is Word.

 COSTELLO: What word?

 ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

 ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

 COSTELLO: It is?

 ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words
         left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words
         out there.

 COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

 ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't
         even part of Office.

 COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
           bookkeeping? You hav e anything I can track my
           money with?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

 ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

 COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

 ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

 COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

 ABBOTT: One copy.

 COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

 ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

 COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

 ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

 (A few days later)

 ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

 ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

Top
Subj:     Red Skelton On Tonight Show
          From: Dan Kaiser in 2018
..........(S1112d-On Site)
 Source: www.youtube.com/RI7kJvwvmDo

 Click 'HERE' to see Red Skelton on the Tonight Show
 with Johnny Carson in 1983.

Top
Subj:     Red Skelton's Hair Routine
          From: Flashback Comedy Videos
..........in 2018 (S1122d-On Site)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/_mYPR9dnouQ
.
 Click 'HERE' to see Red Skelton performs his hair routine
 on The Ed Sullivan Show on September 29, 1968.
.
Top
Subj:     Red Skelton In Canada In 1982
          From: Clifford Hilliker
..........in 2018 (S1123d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/QDQi6txKzag

 Click 'HERE' to see Part 1 of 'Red Skelton In Canada'
 in 1982 including his Door Routine.

Top
Subj:     Famous Comedian One Liners
 

Top
Subj:     6 Milton Berle One Liners

From: RFSlick in 1998 (S268c)
 A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
   -- Milton Berle

From: dogbyte in 2002 (S268c)
 Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only
 interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
   -- Milton Berle

From: humorlist-digest V2 #175 in 1998
 I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

 The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a
 book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)

From: joke-of-the-day.com in 2003 (S321b)
 If evolution really works, how come mothers only have
 two hands?  -- Milton Berle

From: igiggle in 2005 (S462b - school-supp)
 A teacher was asked to fill out a special quiestionnaire
 for the state.  One question said, "Give two reasons for
 entering the teaching profession."  The teacher wrote,
 "July and August."  -- Milton Berle

.

Top
Subj:     19 George Burn One Liners

From: humorlist-digest V2 #282 in 1998
 I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people ask me what
 I'd most appreciate getting.  I tell them:  a paternity
 suit.  -- George Burns

From: auntieg in 1998
 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
   -- George Burns

From: RFSlick in 2001 (S239)
 And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
 everything on me.  And let there be lawyers, so people
 don't blame everything on Satan."  -- George Burns

From: pns in 2001 (S276c)
 "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was
  dirty."  -- George Burns

 "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
    -- George Burns

From: LABLaughs.com in 2002 (S278b)
 "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
    -- George Burns (1896-1996)

From: joke@joke-of-the-day.com in 2003 (S327b)
 You can't help getting older but you don't have to
 get old.  -- George Burns

From: Imogenelumen in 2004 (S366)
 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and
 a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
   -- George Burns

From: Imogenelumen in 2004 (S366)
 It takes only one drink to get me drunk.  The trouble is,
 I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
   -- George Burns

From: LABLaughsClean in 2004 (S398b)
 "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit
  family in another city."  -- George Burns (1896 - 1996)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2005 (S447b)
 "I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its
  holder is a thrill." -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2005 (S447b)
 "This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad
  for a guy whos only read two."  -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2006 (S469b)
 "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age
  I'm very pleased to be anywhere."  -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2006 (S474b)
 "Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that,
  you've got it made."  -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2006 (S480b)
 "I can't understand why I flunked American history.
 When I was a kid there was so little of it."
   -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2006 (S484b)
 "When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
    -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2006 (S492b)
 "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous.  When I was
  sixty five I still had pimples."  -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2006 (S509b)
 "I look to the future because that's where I'm going
  to spend the rest of my life."  -- George Burns

 "You know your getting old when you stoop to tie your
  shoelaces and then wonder if there isn't something else
  you can do as long as you are already down there."
  --  George Burns (in Quotes1)

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Top
Subj:     3 Gracie Allen One Liners

From: grs in 1998
 They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went ahead and built
 it anyway.  --  G.Allen

From: igiggle in 2006 (S485b)
 Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I
 was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
   -- Gracie Allen

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2006 (S493b)
 "When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for
  a year and a half."  -- Gracie Allen

Also see
.....'Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef' in Food_Etc2

Top
Subj:     Other Comedian One Liners

 Comedian Paul Rodriquez (of Mexican heritage, for you ethnically
 challenged) said recently on PBS Television (of all places) when
 asked if he was offended by humour with racial connotations?
 "Only if it isn't funny," was his astute and prescient reply!"
   -- Paul Rodriquez
......From: Bawdy.Net Collage #226 in 1998

From: RFSlick in 1998
 If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching
 television by cndlelight  -- George Gobel

From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2001 (S241)
 "If you should ever come across a time bomb and there's
 only a few seconds left, press 'Snooze'."  -- Scott Magri

From: smiles in 1999
 Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat,
 THAT'S bad for you!  -- Tommy Smothers

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #303 in 1999 (S122)
 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want
 to achieve immortality through not dying.  -- Woody Allen

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com in 2001 (S223)
 "Maybe there is no actual place called hell.  Maybe hell is
 just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through
 their noses when they're eating sandwiches." --Jim Carrey

From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2001 (S238)
 "When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand
 in a closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it
 was elevator practice."  -- Steven Wright

From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2001 (S240)
 "You can't have everything, where would you put it?"
    -- Steven Wright

From: LABLaughs.com in 2002 (S275c)
 "Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on
  your way down."  -- Jimmy Durante

From: Imogenelumen in 2004 (S366)
 My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
 Every now and then she stops to breathe.  -- Jimmy Durante

From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2002 (S284b)
 Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the
 moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's
 going to happen next.  -- Gilda Radner

From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2002 (S293b)
 Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves your
 groin unprotected.  -- Red Buttons

From: Puneet385@cs.com in 2002 (S296b)
 A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
   -- Stan Laurel

From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2002 (S305b)
 The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh
 for five seconds and think for ten minutes.  -- William Davis

From: Joke-of-the-day.com in 2003 (S314b)
 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
 in hospitals dying of nothing.  -- Redd Foxx

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.............................From virv on 6/30/12
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