(Includes 169 jokes and articles, 27850n,0,cf)
Also see ARAB file
Quotes About Osama'
......................- 'bin Laden Quotation'
ASIAN file - 'Mahatma Gandhi Quotations'
BASEBALL file- 'Quotes By Yogi Berra'
BIRD-CHICKEN - 'Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?'
BUMPER-STICKR- (See whole file)
CARTOON file - 'Dilbert Quotes'
CHEMISTRY - 'Chemistry Quotes And Laws'
COWBOY file - 'Will Rogers Quotations'
DOGS3 file - 'Quotations About Dogs'
......................- 'Quotations About Dogs II'
DRINKINGBEER2- 'Norm Peterson, From The TV Show Cheers!'
ELDERLY3 file- 'Age Is A Funny Thing By Carlin'
ELDERLY3-SUPP- 'Quotes About Grandkids And Grandparents'
FACTS5 file - 'African's Thoughts on Condoms And Aids'
FARMER2 file - 'Rural Wisdom'
FOOD_ETC - 'Kitchen Wisdom'
GOLF3 file - 'Actual Caddy Quotes'
......................- 'Golf Quotations'
KIDS3 file - 'Kids' Instructions On Life'
......................- 'Good Advice From Kids'
......................- 'Wise Advice From Children'
......................- 'Great Truths About Life From Kids'
......................- 'Wise Advice From Kids (Part II)'
......................- 'Bible Fun'
LIBRARY file - 'Stephen King Quote/Sign'
MOTHERS file - 'Quotes About Mother...'
MOVIES_ETC - (W.C. Fields' quotes)
......................- 'Hollywood Squares'
MUSIC file - 'Tribute To John Lennon'
NATIONAL2 - 'Peace Plan by Robin Williams'
NAT_STATE-SPP- 'Iraq Vs Washington D.C.'
ONE-LINER - (See whole file)
PATENT file - 'The Work Of The Invernor'
PENIS-SUPP - 'Willie Nelson Quotation'
PHYSICS3 - 'Physics Quotes'
PLANE2 file - 'Quotes from Plane Crews'
POLITICAL1 - 'Reflections of Great Minds on Government'
POLITICAL2 - 'Quote Of The Year'
......................- 'Quotes By Different Roosevelts'
......................- 'Dan Quayle Quotations'
......................- 'Winston Churchill Quotes And Facts'
......................- 'Mark Twain Quotations'
......................- 'President J.F.Kennedy Quotations'
......................- 'Ben Franklin Quotations'
......................- 'Reagan's Last One-Liner'
POLIT-SUPP - 'Ronald Reagan's One-Liners'
......................- 'Henry Louis Mencken Quotes'
POLIT-SUPP2 - 'Ronald Reagan - Cow Manure Joke' - Movie
POLIT-BUSH - 'Poem Of Bush Quotes'
QUOTES-COMED - 'Dave Barry Articles'
SCHOOL2 file - 'Famous Quotations by Fourth Graders'
SCIENCE2 file- 'Thomas Edison Quotes'
SEX3 file - 'Quotations About Sex'
SHIT file - 'Shit Is A Powerful Word' by George Carlin
SOLDIER2 file- 'Military Type Quotes
SOLDIER-SUPP - 'Wisdom - From The Military'
TAX file - 'Tax Day Quotes'
THOUGHTS-LRN1- 'Great Quotes From Roger'
......................- 'General Principles To Live By'
.........THGHTS-LRN-SU- 'Quotes By Abe Lincoln'
......................- 'Quotes About Hope'
......................- 'Quotes About Courage'
......................- 'Quotes About Happiness & Life'
......................- 'Quotes About The Future'
THOUGHTS-QUTD- (see whole file)
THOUGHTS WARM- 'Quotations On Friendship
WOMEN3 file - 'Quotations About Women'
......................- 'Quotes From Women'
Subj: 146 Quotations
The odd numbered ones are lofty thoughts.
The evens are silly but fun.
1. I think to myself how
many exercise their bodies,
how few their minds. -- Seneca
2. "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
3. Time is a great teacher,
but unfortunately it kills
all its pupils. -- Hector Berlios
4. "When I die, I want
to go peacefully, in my sleep, like
my grandfather--not crying and shrieking in terror, like
5. It's never safe to
be nostalgic about something until
you're absolutely certain there's no chance of its coming
back. -- Bill Vaaghn
6. Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss Piggy
7. That should be considered
long which can be decided but
once. -- Publius Syrus
8. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
9. The obvious is that
which is never seen until someone
exdpresses it simply. -- Kahlil Gibran
10. No matter where you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Banzai
11. The brain is to think.
The mouth is to talk.
In that order. -- Robert Half
12. I think that the team that
wins game five will win the
series. Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley
13. Don't expect to buildup
the weak by pulling down the
strong. -- Calvin Coolidge
14. My initial response was
to sue her for defamation of
character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim
herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
15. A ship on the beach is a
lighthouse to the sea.
-- Dutch prm
16. I am not a vegetarian because
I love animals; I am a
vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
17. What is a committee?
A group of the unwilling, picked
from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
18. Sex between a man and a
woman can be wonderful, provided
you get between the right man and the right woman...
-- Woody Allen
19. Dost thou love life?
Then do not squander time, for that
is the stuff life is made of. -- Benjamin Franklin
20. The graduate with a Science
degree asks, "Why does
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much
will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you
want fries with that?"
21. Experience is that marvelous
thing that enables you
recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
22. Karate is a form of martial
arts in which people who have
had years and years of training can, using only their
hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the
history of the world. -- Dave Barry
23. When the mind is ready,
a teacher appears.
-- Zen expression
24. Reading computer manuals
without the hardware is a
frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
25. Character is much easier
kept than recovered.
-- Thomas Paine
26. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
27. A man ought to read just
as inclination leads him; for
what he reads as a task will do him little good.
-- Samuel Johnson
28. I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way. -- Jessica Rabbit
29. Never attribute to malice
that which is adequately
explained by stupidity. -- Meyer's Law
30. The overwhelming majority
of people have more than the
average (mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik
31. Those who make peaceful
revolution impossible will make
violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy
32. I hate to advocate drugs,
alcohol, violence, or insanity
to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
33. What a distressing contrast
there is between the radiant
intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the
average adult. -- Sigmund Freud
34. When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
35. Where the telescope ends,
the microscope begins. Which
of the two has the grander view? -- Victor Hugo
36. Don't worry about temptation--as
you grow older, it starts
avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
37. The mind is not a vessel
to be filled but a fire to be
kindled. -- Plutarch
38. If a woman has to choose
between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there are men
on base. -- Dave Barry
39. I would rather be the man
who bought the Brooklyn Bridge
than the man who sold it. -- Will Rogers
40. I don't want to achieve
immortality through my works ...
I want to achieve it through not dying. -- Woody Allen
41. Passionate hatred can give
meaning and purpose to an
empty life. -- Eric Hoffer
42. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the
wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like
the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never
sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but
also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain
43. "There is no distinctly
American criminal class...
except Congress" - Mark Twain
44. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
45. Patience and time do more
than strength or passion.
-- Jean De La Fontaine
46. Nothing you can't spell will ever work. -- Will Rogers
47. A man who has taken your
time recognises no debt; yet it
is the one he can never repay. -- Seneca
48. How can anyone govern a
nation that has 246 different kinds
of cheese. -- Charles De Gaulle
49. If fate sends you a lemon,
use it to make lemonade.
-- Lawrence Block
50. If at first you do succeed - try to hide your astonishment.
-- Los Angeles Times Syndicate
51. Fortune does not change men, it unmasks them. -- Mme Necker
52. For every complicated problem,
there is a simple, easy to
understand, wrong answer. -- Grossman's Law
53. A man who trims himself
to suit everybody will soon
whittle himself away. -- Charley Schwab
54. The difference between genius
and stupidity is that genius
has its limits.
55. The greatest mistake you
can make in this life is to be continually
fearing you will make one. -- Elbert Hubbard
56. It is admirable to go down
fighting. It is better to
come out on top. -- Daniel Gerson
57. The more I want something
done, the less I call it work.
-- Richard Bach
58. "You know your getting old
when you stoop to tie your
shoelaces and then wonder if there isn't something else
you can do as long as you are already down there."
-- George Burns
59. Patience is something you
admire greatly in the driver
behind you, but not in the one ahead of you.
60. A man who won't lie to a
woman has very little
consideration for her feelings.
61. Most people are liberal
on issues that don't touch them,
and conservative on those that do. -- Robert Wahl
62. The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
63. Many a false step is taken
by standing still.
-- Arnold Glasow
64. If you want your spouse
to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
65. "I must do something" will
always solve more problems
than "Something must be done".
66. Once at a social gathering,
Gladstone said to Disraeli,
"I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or
of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all
depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or
67. Anything that won't sell,
I don't want to invent. Its
sale is proof of utility and utility is success.
-- Thomas Edison
68. Sometimes I lie awake at
night, and I ask, "Where have
I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going
to take more than one night."
-- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]
69. He who has imagination without
learning has wings, but
no feet. -- Mark Levy
70. Slimey? Mud hole? My HOME this is! -- Yoda
71. I do not believe in a fate
that falls on men however
they act, but I do believe in a fate that falls on men
unless they act. -- G. K. Chesterton
72. "When I use a word," Humpty
Dumpty said, in a rather
scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean
---neither more nor less."
73. Genius, that power which
dazzles mortal eyes, is oft but
perseverance in disguise. -- Henry W. Austin
74. Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so! -- Ford Prefect
75. The road to success is rough.
You have to pave it
yourself. -- Arnold Glasow
76. Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
77. Experience is a hard teacher
because she gives the test
first, and the lessons afterwards.
78. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
79. We either walk forward,
fall back, or take root.
-- Charley W. Kellog
80. Everybody wants to see justice
done, to somebody else.
-- Bruce Cockburn
81. One thing that comes to a man who waites, and thats whiskers.
82. Learn to swim. It
is a sport all the peasants can play.
-- Mao Tse-Tung
83. Obstacles are the terrible
things you see when you take
your eyes from the goal.
84. There's nothing I like less
than bad arguments for
a view that I hold dear. -- Daniel Dennett
85. Basic research is what I
am doing when I don't know what
I'm doing. -- Werner Von Braun
86. When you're swimmin' in
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
87. Experience is a comb nature
gives us when we are bald.
-- Belgian proverb
88. Be wary of strong drink.
It can make you shoot at
tax collectors and miss. -- Robert Heinlein
89. Fate makes our relatives, choice makes our friends.
90. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
91. When someone does something
good applaud! You'll make
two people happy. -- Sam Goldwyn
92. Fish and visitors stink in three days. -- Benjamine Franklin
93. Let your speach be better
than silence, or be silent.
94. I have hardly ever known
a mathematician capable
of reasoning. -- Plato
95. Prosperity is a great teacher;
adversity a greater.
-- William Haslitt
96. A fool will belittle that
which he does not understand.
A cynic will belittle all things.
A midget will simply belittle.
97. A man about to speak the
truth should keep one foot
in the stirup. -- old Mongolian saying
98. An oral contract isn't worth
the paper it's printed on.
-- Samuel Goldwin
99. "Bring me into the company
of those who seek the truth,
and deliver me from those who have found it."
100. The inscription on W. C. Fields' grave stone reads
"I would rather be here than in Philadelphia"
101. When I hear, I forget,
when I see, I remember,
when I do, I understand.
-- Japanese proverb
Please send me any
quotes you enjoyed. I would like to
continue adding to this file. -- email@example.com
P.S. Yes I know about Bartlett's Book of Quotations.
Someday I'll get a copy.
102. "The secret to good self
esteem is to lower your
expectations to the point where they're already met"
103. Sometimes I wonder if men
and women really suit each
other. Perhaps they should live next door and just
visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn
104. Clearly it is not the lovelorn
sufferer who seeks solace
in chocolate, but rather the chocolate-deprived individual,
who, desperate, seeks in mere love a pale approximation of
-- Sandra Boynton "Chocolate - The Consuming Passion"
105. "The thought of being President
frightens me and I do not
think I want the job" - Ronald Reagan (1973)
106. Character consists of what
you do on the third and fourth
tries. -- James Michener
107. "I'm not sure I even got
the brains to be president"
-- Barry Goldwater(1964)
108. "On Thanksgiving day all
over America, families sit down
to dinner at the same moment.... halftime" - Unknown
109. We must hang together, gentlemen...else,
we shall most
assuredly hang separately. -- Benjamin Franklin, 1776
110. I don't like spinach, and
I'm glad I don't, because if
I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. -- Clarence Darrow
111. Death is life's way of telling
you you've been fired.
-- R. Geis
112. You can't expect to wield
supreme executive power just
because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
-- Monty Python's Holy Grail
113. "Americans are a race of
convicts and ought to be
thankfull for anything we allow them short of hanging"
-- Samuel Johnson
114. "America is a large friendly
dog in a small room.
Everytime it wags it's tail it knocks over a chair"
-- Arnold Toynbee
115. "The United States is like
the guy at the party who
gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him"
-- Jim Samuels
116. "The 100% American is 99% an idiot" -- George Bernard Shaw
117. Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. -- Henry Kissinger
118. The secret of life is honesty
and fair dealing. If
you can fake that, you got it made. -- Groucho Marx
119. I do not know what I may
appear to the world, but to
myself, I seem to have been only like a boy playing
on the seashore and diverting myself in now and then
finding a smoother pebble or prettier shell than
ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all
undiscovered before me. -- Sir Isaac Newton
120. This is not a novel to be
tossed aside lightly. It should
be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
121. We can best tell our values
by looking at our checkbook
stubs. -- Gloria Steinem
122. It's not how you feel, it's how you look. - Billy Crystal
123. Man has now become a mere
thing to the forces (of
technology, of politics, of history) that bypass him,
surpass him, possess him. To those forces, man's
concrete being, his 'world of life', has neither value
nor interest: it is eclipsed, forgotten from the start.
124. I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
125. Overcome evil with good,
falsehood with truth, and
hatred with love. - Peace Pilgrim
126. Reality is that which, when
you stop believing in it,
doesn't go away. - Philip K. Dick
127. The way to do is to be. - Lao Tzu
128. I'll play it first and you
tell me what it is later.
-- Miles Davis
129. A wise man knows everything,
a shrewd man knows
everyone. from Tabitha Bedno
130. It's not so much how you
pick your nose,
it's where you put the boogers.
131. If you want somebody to
remember you, tell them
something interesting about themselves.
from Tabitha Bedno
132. For three days after death,
hair and fingernails
continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson
133. If you have tried to do
something and failed, you are
far better off than if you had tried to do nothing
134. They laughed at Joan of
Arc, but she went ahead and
built it anyway. -- G.Allen
135. Life is what happens while your making other plans.
136. Winston Churchill was at
a dinner party during World
War II. As he some times does, he had drank too much.
The lady next him turned to him and said "You are drunk!".
Churchill turned to her and replied "And you are ugly,
but tomorrow I will be sober."
137. Honesty has ruined more
marriages than infidelity.
from Tabitha Bedno 94.04.24
138. I think animal testing is
a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
139. Some mornings, it's just
not worth chewing through the
leather straps. -- Emo Phillips
140. Her hair glistened in the
rain like nose hair after a
sneeze. -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
141. Rule or Serve. - The Master on Dr. Who
142. "Are you the police?"
"No Ma'am. We're Musicians"
-- Elwood Blues, The Blues Brothers
143. Its better to give than
to lend, and
it costs about the same anyway.
144. When authorities warn you
of the sinfulness of sex,
there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not
have sex with the authorities. -- From "Basic Sex
Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in ``Life In Hell''
by Matt Groening
145. "A woman drove me to drink
and I didn't even have the
decency to thank her." -- W.C. Fields.
146. What is a committee?
A group of the unwilling, picked
from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, New York Times, 1960
147. "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a
frontal lobotomy." -- Groucho Marx.
148. It may be that human life
is "the galaxy's way of
evolving a brain." This will come as a surprise to
pessimists who, contemplating humankind's destructive
tendencies, may be wondering if life isn't the galaxy's
way of eliminating certain planets.
149. I know you believe you understand
what you think I said,
but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not
what I meant.
150. "If all else fails--read the instructions!"
151. If it tastes good, its trying to kill you.
152. Its better not to exagerate,
especially when you fly is open.
153. To catch a bus, one must first think like a bus.
154. The hypothalamus is one
of the most important parts of
the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among
other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four
F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
155. What you have when everyone
wears the same play clothes
for all occasions, is addressed by nickname, expected to
participate in Show and Tell, and bullied out of any desire
for privacy, is not democracy; it is kindergarten.
-- Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
156. "I view the Apple tragicomedy
not as a war of operating
systems but as a fascinating case study in the potentially
fatal alchemy of arrogance, bad marketing, ingenious
product development, loyal customers and abysmal public
-- Paul Furiga, editor, Pittsburgh Business Times
157. "We've all heard that a
million monkeys banging on a
million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire
works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we
know this is not true."
-- Professor Robert Silensky of California University
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #166
Men get laid, but women get screwed - Quentin Crisp
When a man goes on a date he
wonders if he is going to get
lucky. A woman already knows. - Frederick Ryder
Women need a reason to have sex
-- men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal.
I love the lines the men use
to get us into bed. "Please,
I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
-- Berverly Mickins
Do you know why God withheld
the sense of humor from women?
So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell
A woman's appetite is twice that
of a man's; her sexual
desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
-- Sanskrit proverb
There's very little advice in
men's magazines, because
men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women
do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm
doing, just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfeld
We got new advice as to what
motivated man to walk
upright: to free his hands for masturbation. -- Jane Wagner
When women hold off from marrying
men, we call it
independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we
call it fear of commitment. -- Warren Farrell
Only two things are necessary
to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way, and
the other is to let her have it. -- Lyndon B. Johnson
God made man before woman to
give him time to think of
an answer for her first question. -- Anonymous
Someone asked Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)
what he would take
if his house were on fire and he could remove only one
thing. "I would take the fire," replied Cocteau.
Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :-)
|A faceless Smiley from