>>> Subj:     Quotations1                  (Includes 169 jokes and articles, 27850n,0,cf)

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......................- 'Quotes From Women'
=============================================================Top
Subj: 146 Quotations
        The odd numbered ones are lofty thoughts.
        The evens are silly but fun.

   1. I think to myself how many exercise their bodies,
      how few their minds.     -- Seneca

   2. "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."

   3. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills
      all its pupils.     -- Hector Berlios

   4. "When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like
      my grandfather--not crying and shrieking in terror, like
      his passengers."

   5. It's never safe to be nostalgic about something until
      you're absolutely certain there's no chance of its coming
      back.  -- Bill Vaaghn

   6. Never eat more than you can lift.  -- Miss Piggy

   7. That should be considered long which can be decided but
      once.  -- Publius Syrus

   8. "Time's fun when you're having flies."  -- Kermit the Frog

   9. The obvious is that which is never seen until someone
      exdpresses it simply.  -- Kahlil Gibran

  10. No matter where you go, there you are.  -- Buckaroo Banzai

  11. The brain is to think.  The mouth is to talk.
      In that order.  -- Robert Half

  12. I think that the team that wins game five will win the
      series.  Unless we lose game five.  -- Charles Barkley

  13. Don't expect to buildup the weak by pulling down the
      strong.  -- Calvin Coolidge

  14. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of
      character, but then I realized that I had no character.
      -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim
      herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

  15. A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.
      -- Dutch prm

  16. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;  I am a
      vegetarian because I hate plants.  -- A. Whitney Brown

  17. What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked
      from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
      -- Richard Harkness,  The New York Times, 1960

  18. Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided
      you get between the right man and the right woman...
      -- Woody Allen

  19. Dost thou love life?  Then do not squander time, for that
      is the stuff life is made of.  -- Benjamin Franklin

  20. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does
         it work?"
      The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does
         it work?"
      The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much
         will it cost?"
      The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you
         want fries with that?"

  21. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you
      recognize a mistake when you make it again.  -- F. P. Jones

  22. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have
      had years and years of training can, using only their
      hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the
      history of the world.  -- Dave Barry

  23. When the mind is ready, a teacher appears.
      --  Zen expression

  24. Reading computer manuals without the hardware is a
      frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
      -- Arthur C. Clarke

  25. Character is much easier kept than recovered.
      --  Thomas Paine

  26. Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

  27. A man ought to read just as inclination leads him; for
      what he reads as a task will do him little good.
      --  Samuel Johnson

  28. I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.  -- Jessica Rabbit

  29. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately
      explained by stupidity.  --  Meyer's Law

  30. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the
      average (mean) number of legs.  -- E. Grebenik

  31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make
      violent revolution inevitable.  -- John F. Kennedy

  32. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity
      to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
      -- Hunter S. Thompson

  33. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant
      intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the
      average adult.  -- Sigmund Freud

  34. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
      than to let him keep her.  - Sacha Guitry

  35. Where the telescope ends, the microscope begins.  Which
      of the two has the grander view?  --  Victor Hugo

  36. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts
      avoiding you.  -- Old Farmer's Almanac

  37. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be
      kindled.  -- Plutarch

  38. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
      saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
      infant's life without even considering if there are men
      on base.  -- Dave Barry

  39. I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge
      than the man who sold it.  --  Will Rogers

  40. I don't want to achieve immortality through my works ...
      I want to achieve it through not dying.  --  Woody Allen

  41. Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an
      empty life.  -- Eric Hoffer

  42. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the
      wisdom that is in it - and stop there;  lest we be like
      the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid.  She will never
      sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but
      also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
      -- Mark Twain

  43. "There is no distinctly American criminal class...
      except Congress" - Mark Twain

  44. Sacred cows make the best hamburger.  -- Mark Twain

  45. Patience and time do more than strength or passion.
      --  Jean De La Fontaine

  46. Nothing you can't spell will ever work.  --  Will Rogers

  47. A man who has taken your time recognises no debt; yet it
      is the one he can never repay.  --  Seneca

  48. How can anyone govern a nation that has 246 different kinds
      of cheese.  --  Charles De Gaulle

  49. If fate sends you a lemon, use it to make lemonade.
      --  Lawrence Block
Top
  50. If at first you do succeed - try to hide your astonishment.
      --  Los Angeles Times Syndicate

  51. Fortune does not change men, it unmasks them.  --  Mme Necker

  52. For every complicated problem, there is a simple, easy to
      understand, wrong answer.  --  Grossman's Law

  53. A man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon
      whittle himself away.  --  Charley Schwab

  54. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius
      has its limits.

  55. The greatest mistake you can make in this life is to be continually
      fearing you will make one.  --  Elbert Hubbard

  56. It is admirable to go down fighting.  It is better to
      come out on top.  --  Daniel Gerson

  57. The more I want something done, the less I call it work.
      --  Richard Bach

  58. "You know your getting old when you stoop to tie your
      shoelaces and then wonder if there isn't something else
      you can do as long as you are already down there."
      --  George Burns

  59. Patience is something you admire greatly in the driver
      behind you, but not in the one ahead of you.

  60. A man who won't lie to a woman has very little
      consideration for her feelings.

  61. Most people are liberal on issues that don't touch them,
      and conservative on those that do.  --  Robert Wahl

  62. The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

  63. Many a false step is taken by standing still.
      --  Arnold Glasow

  64. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
      attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

  65. "I must do something" will always solve more problems
      than "Something must be done".

  66. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli,
      "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or
      of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied, "That all
      depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or
      your mistress."

  67. Anything that won't sell, I don't want to invent.  Its
      sale is proof of utility and utility is success.
      --  Thomas Edison

  68. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have
      I gone wrong?"  Then a voice says to me, "This is going
      to take more than one night."
      -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

  69. He who has imagination without learning has wings, but
      no feet.  --  Mark Levy

  70. Slimey?  Mud hole?  My HOME this is!  -- Yoda

  71. I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however
      they act, but I do believe in a fate that falls on men
      unless they act.  --  G. K. Chesterton

  72. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather
      scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean
      ---neither more nor less."

  73. Genius, that power which dazzles mortal eyes, is oft but
      perseverance in disguise.  -- Henry W. Austin

  74. Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so!  -- Ford Prefect

  75. The road to success is rough.  You have to pave it
      yourself.  -- Arnold Glasow

  76. Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.

  77. Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test
      first, and the lessons afterwards.

  78. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

  79. We either walk forward, fall back, or take root.
      --  Charley W. Kellog

  80. Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else.
      -- Bruce  Cockburn

  81. One thing that comes to a man who waites, and thats whiskers.

  82. Learn to swim.  It is a sport all the peasants can play.
      --  Mao Tse-Tung

  83. Obstacles are the terrible things you see when you take
      your eyes from the goal.

  84. There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for
      a view that I hold dear.  -- Daniel Dennett

  85. Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what
      I'm doing.  -- Werner Von Braun

  86. When you're swimmin' in the creek
      And an eel bites your cheek
      That's a moray!
        -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

  87. Experience is a comb nature gives us when we are bald.
      --  Belgian proverb

  88. Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at
      tax collectors and miss.  --  Robert Heinlein

  89. Fate makes our relatives, choice makes our friends.

  90. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

  91. When someone does something good applaud! You'll make
      two people happy.  --  Sam Goldwyn

  92. Fish and visitors stink in three days.  -- Benjamine Franklin

  93. Let your speach be better than silence, or be silent.
      --  Dionysius

  94. I have hardly ever known a mathematician capable
      of reasoning.  -- Plato

  95. Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity a greater.
      --  William Haslitt

  96. A fool will belittle that which he does not understand.
      A cynic will belittle all things.
      A midget will simply belittle.

  97. A man about to speak the truth should keep one foot
      in the stirup.  --  old Mongolian saying

  98. An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.
      -- Samuel Goldwin

  99. "Bring me into the company of those who seek the truth,
      and deliver me from those who have found it."
Top
 100. The inscription on W. C. Fields' grave stone reads
      "I would rather be here than in Philadelphia"

 101. When I hear, I forget,
      when I see, I remember,
      when I do, I understand.
      --  Japanese proverb

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    Please send me any quotes you enjoyed.  I would like to
    continue adding to this file.  --  ajswitzer@aol.com
    P.S. Yes I know about Bartlett's Book of Quotations.
    Someday I'll get a copy.

============================================================

 102. "The secret to good self esteem is to lower your
      expectations to the point where they're already met"
      -- Hobbes

 103. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each
      other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just
      visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn

 104. Clearly it is not the lovelorn sufferer who seeks solace
      in chocolate, but rather the chocolate-deprived individual,
      who, desperate, seeks in mere love a pale approximation of
      bittersweet euphoria.
      -- Sandra Boynton "Chocolate - The Consuming Passion"

 105. "The thought of being President frightens me and I do not
       think I want the job" - Ronald Reagan (1973)

 106. Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth
      tries.  -- James Michener

 107. "I'm not sure I even got the brains to be president"
      -- Barry Goldwater(1964)

 108. "On Thanksgiving day all over America, families sit down
       to dinner at the same moment.... halftime" - Unknown

 109. We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most
      assuredly hang separately.  -- Benjamin Franklin, 1776

 110. I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if
      I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.  -- Clarence Darrow

 111. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
      -- R. Geis

 112. You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just
      because some watery tart threw a sword at you!
      -- Monty Python's Holy Grail

 113. "Americans are a race of convicts and ought to be
      thankfull for anything we allow them short of hanging"
      -- Samuel Johnson

 114. "America is a large friendly dog in a small room.
      Everytime it wags it's tail it knocks over a chair"
      -- Arnold Toynbee

 115. "The United States is like the guy at the party who
      gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him"
      -- Jim Samuels

 116. "The 100% American is 99% an idiot"  -- George Bernard Shaw

 117. Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  -- Henry Kissinger

 118. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.  If
      you can fake that, you got it made.  -- Groucho Marx

 119. I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to
      myself, I seem to have been only like a boy playing
      on the seashore and diverting myself in now and then
      finding a smoother pebble or prettier shell than
      ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all
      undiscovered before me.  -- Sir Isaac Newton

 120. This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should
      be thrown with great force.  -- Dorothy Parker

 121. We can best tell our values by looking at our checkbook
      stubs.  -- Gloria Steinem

 122. It's not how you feel, it's how you look.  - Billy Crystal

 123. Man has now become a mere thing to the forces (of
      technology, of politics, of history) that bypass him,
      surpass him, possess him.  To those forces, man's
      concrete being, his 'world of life', has neither value
      nor interest: it is eclipsed, forgotten from the start.
        -- Husserl

 124. I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.  -- Joe Walsh

 125. Overcome evil with good, falsehood with truth, and
      hatred with love.  - Peace Pilgrim

 126. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it,
      doesn't go away.  - Philip K. Dick

 127. The way to do is to be.  - Lao Tzu

 128. I'll play it first and you tell me what it is later.
        -- Miles Davis

 129. A wise man knows everything, a shrewd man knows
      everyone.  from Tabitha Bedno

 130. It's not so much how you pick your nose,
      it's where you put the boogers.

 131. If you want somebody to remember you, tell them
      something interesting about themselves.
      from Tabitha Bedno

 132. For three days after death, hair and fingernails
      continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
        -- Johnny Carson

 133. If you have tried to do something and failed, you are
      far better off than if you had tried to do nothing
      and succeeded.

 134. They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went ahead and
      built it anyway.  -- G.Allen

 135. Life is what happens while your making other plans.

 136. Winston Churchill was at a dinner party during World
      War II.  As he some times does, he had drank too much.
      The lady next him turned to him and said "You are drunk!".
      Churchill turned to her and replied "And you are ugly,
      but tomorrow I will be sober."

 137. Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.
      from Tabitha Bedno 94.04.24

 138. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
      nervous and give the wrong answers.  -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

 139. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the
      leather straps.  -- Emo Phillips

 140. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a
      sneeze.  -- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

 141. Rule or Serve.  - The Master on Dr. Who

 142. "Are you the police?"
      "No Ma'am.  We're Musicians"
        -- Elwood Blues, The Blues Brothers

 143. Its better to give than to lend, and
      it costs about the same anyway.

 144. When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex,
      there is an important lesson to be learned.  Do not
      have sex with the authorities.  -- From "Basic Sex
      Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in ``Life In Hell''
      by Matt Groening

 145. "A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
      decency to thank her."  --  W.C. Fields.

 146. What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked
      from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
        -- Richard Harkness, New York Times, 1960
Top
 147. "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a
      frontal lobotomy."  -- Groucho Marx.

 148. It may be that human life is "the galaxy's way of
      evolving a brain."  This will come as a surprise to
      pessimists who, contemplating humankind's destructive
      tendencies, may be wondering if life isn't the galaxy's
      way of eliminating certain planets.

 149. I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
      but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not
      what I meant.

 150. "If all else fails--read the instructions!"

 151. If it tastes good, its trying to kill you.

 152. Its better not to exagerate,
      especially when you fly is open.

 153. To catch a bus, one must first think like a bus.

 154. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of
      the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among
      other functions.  The hypothalamus controls the "Four
      F's": 1. fighting;  2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and  4. mating.
        -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

 155. What you have when everyone wears the same play clothes
      for all occasions, is addressed by nickname, expected to
      participate in Show and Tell, and bullied out of any desire
      for privacy, is not democracy; it is kindergarten.
        -- Miss Manners (Judith Martin)

 156. "I view the Apple tragicomedy not as a war of operating
      systems but as a fascinating case study in the potentially
      fatal alchemy of arrogance, bad marketing, ingenious
      product development, loyal customers and abysmal public
      relations."
        -- Paul Furiga, editor, Pittsburgh Business Times

 157. "We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a
      million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire
      works of Shakespeare.  Now, thanks to the Internet, we
      know this is not true."
        -- Professor Robert Silensky of California University

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #166

 Men get laid, but women get screwed - Quentin Crisp

 When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get
 lucky.  A woman already knows. - Frederick Ryder

 Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.
   -- Billy Crystal.

 I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please,
 I'll only put it in for a minute."  What am I, a microwave?
   -- Berverly Mickins

 Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women?
 So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
   -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell

 A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual
 desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
   -- Sanskrit proverb

 There's very little advice in men's magazines, because
 men don't think there's a lot they don't know.  Women
 do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm
 doing, just show me somebody naked."  -- Jerry Seinfeld

 We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk
 upright: to free his hands for masturbation.  -- Jane Wagner

 When women hold off from marrying men, we call it
 independence.  When men hold off from marrying women, we
 call it fear of commitment.  -- Warren Farrell

 Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
 One is to let her think she is having her own way, and
 the other is to let her have it.  -- Lyndon B. Johnson

 God made man before woman to give him time to think of
 an answer for her first question.  -- Anonymous

 Someone asked Jean Cocteau (1889-1963) what he would take
 if his house were on fire and he could remove only one
 thing.  "I would take the fire," replied Cocteau.

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Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :-)
********************************************************************

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A faceless Smiley from Kurrus.Net

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