quotes2

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Subj: Quotations2 (Gz)
(Includes 284 jokes and articles)

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Subj: Austin Powers Pick-Up Lines (S209)
From: h2oman19 on 1/31/2001

Austin Powers Pick-Up lines

1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of
     thesewet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my
     package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the
     only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted
     Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on
     earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell
     outta'me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I
     could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to
     heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty
     is only a light switch away.
16. Are those real?
17. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
18. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and
     even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
19. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be
     you by morning.
20. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to
     suck itself.
21. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
22. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
23. F@#% me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
24. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my
     bedroom floor.
25. My name is (?????)...remember that, you'll be screaming
     it later.
26. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk
     by again?
27. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
28. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute?
29. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk
     to you.
30. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you
     want to.
31. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have
     you been drinking?
32. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on
     earth, I bet we could do it in public.
33. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why,
     don't you like pizza?
34. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go
     home without me.
35. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
36. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see
     myself in them.
37. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think
     he went into this cheap motel room.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Bush Quotes (S173)
          From: Anaise on 5/22/00
          Humor listee, Joy, collected these from Slate magazine:
          (See 'Bush-isms' in POLIT-BUSH)

"The fact that he relies on facts 'says things that are not factual'
are going to undermine his campaign."
New York Times, March 4, 2000 (Thanks to Garry Trudeau.)

"I think we agree, the past is over."
- On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
--Reuters, May 5, 2000 (Thanks to Allison Fansler.)

GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so
un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a
scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb--I have
not told this to many people. But he's the governor of--I should
not call him my little brother--my brother, Jeb, the great governor
of Texas.
JIM LEHRER: Florida. GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida.
- The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, April 27, 2000

"I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm
interested to know."
- On what happened in negotiations between the Justice Department
and Eli.n Gonz.lez's Miami relatives, as quoted by the Associated
Press, April 26, 2000 (Thanks to Saul Selzer.)

"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is some-
times until we get an objective analysis."
--Meet the Press, April 15, 2000

"You subscribe politics to it. I subscribe freedom to it."
- Responding to a question about whether he and Al Gore were making
the Eli.n Gonz.lez case a political issue. In Palm Beach, Fla., as
quoted by the Associated Press, April 6, 2000 (Thanks to H. Kennedy.)

"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to
California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
- In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000t

"Reading is the basics for all learning."
Announcing his "Reading First" initiative in Reston, Va., 328/2000
(Thanks to Carl LaRocca.)

"We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations,
their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the
science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of
federal 'federal cufflink."
- At Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000t

"Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and
negative ads."
- Fund-raising letter from George W. Bush, quoted in the Washington
Post, March 24, 2000t

"I've got a reason for running. I talk about a larger goal, is to
call upon the best of America. It's part of the renewal. It's reform
and renewal. Part of the renewal is a set of high standards and to
remind people that the greatness of America really does depend on
neighbors helping neighbors and children finding mentors. I worry.
I'm very worried about, you know, the kid who just wonders whether
America is meant for him. I really worry about that. And uh, so,
I'm running for a reason. I'm answering this question here and the
answer is, you cannot lead America to a positive tomorrow with
revenge on one's mind. Revenge is so incredibly negative. And so
to answer your question, I'm going to win because people sense my
heart, know my sense of optimism and know where I want to lead the
country. And I tease people by saying, 'A leader, you can't say,
follow me the world is going to be worse.' I'm an optimistic
person. I'm an inherently content person. I've got a great sense
of where I want to lead and I'm comfortable with why I'm running.
Andyou know, the call on that speech was, beware. This is going
to be a tough campaign."
- Interview with the Washington Post, March 23, 2000t

"People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I'll give
you an example; I don't read what's handed to me. People say,
'Here, here's your speech, or here's an idea for a speech.' They
are changed. Trust me."
- Interview with the New York Times, March 15, 2000

"It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is
a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot,
and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope."
- In an interview with the Associated Press, March 8, 2000 (Thanks
to Joshua Micah Marshall.)t

"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in
nature.''
- Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000

"I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince
those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any
labeling me because I happened to go to the university."
- Today, Feb. 23, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one."
- New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have 'he can't
have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the
low road."
- To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

"Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased
with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that
worked on my behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled."
- To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000

"I don't want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on
the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds
of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still
staying on message to win?"
- Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

"I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never
did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists."
- ibid.

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls
and principles, come and join this campaign."
- Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that
simply suckles kids through?"
- Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort
S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher."
- South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

"I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to
attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow
I get subscribed to some - some doctrine gets subscribed to me."
- Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000

"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less, I
pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this
show. And I'm more interacting with people."
- ibid

"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle
class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth."
- Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins in the New York Times,
Feb. 1, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my
case."
- Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, 130/2000

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
- Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what
you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve."
- Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary
School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, 128/2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
- Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they
basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate,
quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits
into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but
that's my position.''
- Quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew
exactly who they were," he said. "It was us vs. them, and it was
clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are,
but we know they're there."
- Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000

"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are
focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent
men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great
privilege and who will not stain the house."
- Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and
uncertainty and potential mential losses."
- At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial
Times, Jan. 14, 2000

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just
like you like to be liked yourself."
- ibid.

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
- Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure."
- ibid.

"There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There
needs to be town-hall meetings. There needs to be travel.
This is a huge country."
- Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999

"I read the newspaper."
- In answer to a question about his reading habits, New
Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

"I think it's important for those of us in a position of
responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to
understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult
chore for mom and baby alike. ... I believe we ought to say
there is a different alternative than the culture that is
proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you
know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked."
- Meet the Press, Nov. 21, 1999

"The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds
and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of
them."
- From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999

"It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet
earned his party's nomination to start speculating about vice
presidents."
- Keene, N.H., Oct. 22, 1999, quoted in the New Republic, 11/15/1999

"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?"
- Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New
Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

"I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time
debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember."
- On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate
at Yale, Washington Post, July 27, 1999

"The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand
from your foreign minister, who came to Texas."
To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service,
June 22, 1999. Bush's meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime
minister of Slovenia.

"If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a
statement."
- Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

"Keep good relations with the Grecians."
- Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

"Kosovians can move back in."
- CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then."
- From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutagliot
Top
Subj: Bush Quotes & Joke Journal (S197)
From: ICohen on 11/09/2000

AND THEN HE SAID..........
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush, Jr.

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a
mother and child."...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat
the same distance from the Sun, which is very important.
We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe,
and water.
If there is water, that means there is oxygen.
If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history.
I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this
century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
freedom and democracy - but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any
Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good
judgments in = the future."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"We're going to have the best educated American people in
the world." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.
We have a firm = commitment to Europe. We are a part of
Europe." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going
to the polls." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the
killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is
to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
...George W. Bush, Jr.

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms
of not having it." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach
our children." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes
that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten
you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. Need we say more?

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Quotes About Teaching (S129)
          From: THE LANGUAGE OF TEACHING
          Copyright 1999 by Blue Mountain Press
          Typed by AJSwitzer on 7/19/99

The Blue Mountain Press has a series of books on love, friendship,
happiness, marriage, courage and many other topics. After reading
THE LANGUAGE OF TEACHING, I felt this book was a 'must read' for
all teachers. The following are just a few of the great quotes
from the book. Buy the book, it's great.

It is noble to teach oneself, it is still nobler to teach others.
-- Mark Twain

To live a single day and hear a good teaching is better than to live
a hundred years without knowing such teaching. -- Buddha

I touch the future, I teach. -- Christa McAuliffe

It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative
expression and knowledge. -- Albert Einstein

Not pnly is there an art in knowing a thing, but also a certain art
in teaching it. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero

The one exclusive sign of a thorough knowledge is the power of
teaching. -- Aristotle

One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but
with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings. The
curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the
vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child.
-- Carl Gustav Jung

Knowledge is power. -- Francis Bacon

A teacher should know more than he teaches, and if he knows more
than he teaches, he will teach more than he knows. -- Anonymous

What the teacher is, is more important than what he teaches.
-- Karl Menninger

In seeking knowledge, the first step is silence, the second
listening, the third remembering, the fourth practicing. and the
fifth - teaching others. -- Solomon Ibn Gabirol

To know how to suggest is the great art od teaching.
-- Henri Frederic Amiel

How to tell students what to look for without telling them what
to see is the dilemma of teaching. -- Lascelles Abercrombie

It is a traditional insight, which merits more attention than it
receives, that teaching should not be compared to filling a bottle
with water but rather to helping a flower to grow in its own way.
As any good teacher knows, the methods of onstruction and the
range of material covered are matters of small importance as
compared with the success in arousing the natural curiosity of the
student and stimulating their interest in exploring on their own.
-- Noam Chomsky

Learning is by nature curiosity. -- Philo

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning
is perilous. -- Confucius

It is better to know nothing than to learn nothing.
-- Hebrew Proverb

In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy.
-- William Blake

The important thing is not so much that every child should be
taught, as that every child should be given the wish to learn.
-- John Lubbock

The future of the nation is on the shoulders of teachers and
how they teach kids; the future of the world is in the classroom
where the teachers are. And if we have any chance to guarantee
a positive bridge to the 21st century, it is how we educate the
children in the classrooms today. -- Richard Reginald Green

Teaching seems to me beyond doubt the greatest of the
professions. -- Theodre Brameld

There is no such whetstone, to sharpen a good wit and encourage
a will to learning, as is praise. -- Roger Ascham

Teaching should be such that what is offered is preceived as a
valuable gift and not as a hard duty. -- Albert Einstein

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Subj:     Zits Comic for 1/11/07 (S524c)
          From: WashingtonPost.com
          on 1/29/07

Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/style
........./comics/king.htm?name=Zits&date=20070111

I thought this Zits quotation was cute enough to include on
my web site. You can view it at the source above, or on my
site by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Humorous Quotations (S175)
          From: vcar.lew on 98-09-01

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and
we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down
the video camera and come help me." -- Bobcat Goldthwait

"My Mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she
learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.' " -- Paula Poundstone

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary
and they would only play with each other." -- Rita Rudner

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
-- Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?" -- John Mendoza

Also from Feigelmn 6/9/00

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp." -- Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Duh." -- Conan O'Brien

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."
-- Marsha Warfield

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on
the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing
that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum
cleaners." -- Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking
up something else." -- Lily Tomlin

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always
say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what?
On fire?" -- Rita Rudner

"I was raised by just my Mom. See, my father died when I was
eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in his letter."
-- Drew Carey

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go.
I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
-- Ellen DeGeneres

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
-- Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific." -- Lily Tomlin

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it." -- Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I
hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm
way too high!' " -- Bruce Baum

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
-- Richard Jeni

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, 'Oh my God....I could be
eating a slow learner.'" -- Lynda Montgomery

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Subj:     M. Barry Quotes (S72 some)
          From: JOELFALLON on 98-06-25

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against
diversity during this long period of increment weather."
--M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
-- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very,
very low crime rate." -- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club.
And second, what can Isay? I'm a night owl."
-- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"Bitch set me up."
-- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third
term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George
Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
-- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are
racist. The law of gravity is racist."
-- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an
international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel.
As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that
to Africa?" -- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"People have criticized me because my security detail is
larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself:
are there more people who want to kill me than who want to
kill the president? I can assure you there are."
-- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which
were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
-- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the
slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery
by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves
and he was not a Republican."
-- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws
just because they deem it necessary?"
-- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask
you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my
responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
-- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am
an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a
humble man." -- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

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Subj:     Steven Wright's Greatest (S314b)
          From: auntieg on 98-03-28
      and From: ICohen on 2/3/2003

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the g uy who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...
and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some more of his gems:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when
    all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm,
    but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend
    but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well,
    you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not
    having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes,
    so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed,
    destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get
    until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional
    to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
    to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind,
    the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table,
    the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I tried sniffing Coke once,
but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.

From: ossama on 98-04-22
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
    You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
    I got a full house and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a
    decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and
    get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and
    count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
    I was an only child...eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
    So I had to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
    I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
    Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I
    got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now
    it looks like I'm the only one moving. Ask me if I'm leaving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear
    a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
    Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving
    it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and
    says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store but
    they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got
    cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it.
    It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
    pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he
    ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now,
    but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.
    I don't know how I got there.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
    So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have
    to go. You'll just be walking down the street and.......
    oohh, that's much better.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of
    sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over
    the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
There's a fine line between fishing and
    standing on the shore like an idiot.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had
    no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
    On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a
    whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.
    Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's
    appointments.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but
    I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
    because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of
    Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a
    rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms
    from the statues that are in all the other museums.

From: szalay@ on 6/18/2003 (S333)
"Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again."
-- Steven Wright

From: igiggle on 12/23/2005 (S466b)
One day when I was little and my parents were having a party,
I went around to all the adults and said, "Drink this, it'll
make you taller, it's magic." And they all drank it and said,
"How cute. How weird." And then I snuck off into the room
where they kept all the coats and hemmed everyone's sleeves
an inch shorter. -- Steven Wright

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Subj:     Goldwynisms (S74)
          From: Anaise

Silly quotations from legendary movie producer Samuel
Goldwyn (1882-1974). He was known for his misuse of
the English language. Here are some of my favorite
Goldwynisms:

"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have
     his head examined."
"I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
"Gentlemen, include me out."
"A hospital is no place to be sick."
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest
     man alive."
"I read part of it all the way through."
"If I look confused it's because I'm thinking."
"That's the trouble with directors.
     Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg."
"Never make forecasts, especially about the future."
     And perhaps the best of them all:
"I don't want yes men around me. I want everyone to
     tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs."

From: ossama on 98-04-20
"In two words, impossible."
"Include me out"
"You fail to overlook the crucial point."
"For your information, just answer me one question!'
"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."
"Its absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."
"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."
"Give me a couple of years and I'll make
     that actress an overnight success."
"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself
     why you shouldn't see it."
"If I were in this business only for the business,
     I wouldn't be in this business."
"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right,
     but I am never wrong."
"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel.
     I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."
When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy
     files that were more than ten years old, he answered,
     "Yes, but keep copies."
When told he couldn't film Radclyffe Hall's "The Well of
     Loneliness" because it dealed with lesbians, he replies,
     "All right, where they got lesbians, we'll use Austrians."
"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm
     giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I
     won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe."

From: Ossama's Laugh on 6/14/98
"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be
a forgotten memory."

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Subj:     Random Quotes:
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #223 on 98-01-17

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down
the fucking video camera and come help me!
-- Bobcat Goldthwait

Maybe there is no actual place called Hell. Maybe Hell is
just having to listen to our grandparents breath through
their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
-- Jim Carrey

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't
eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat
pork? God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that
pigs trying to outsmart everybody? -- Jon Stewart

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out
to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your
headache. -- Jack Mayberry

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp. -- Bob Ettinger

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom
and Gomorrah an apology. -- Jay Leno

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be
eating a slow learner. -- Lynda Montgomery

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
-- Paul Rodriguez

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Subj:     Quoting Homer
          From: ipkis on 97-11-20

(Simpson, that is.)

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the
bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they
bark, they shoot bees at you?
------
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not
whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
------
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.
The lesson is, never try.
------
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled
child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of
TV a day.
------
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any
        animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah.... right, Lisa.
        A wonderful... magical animal.
------
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the
        Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
------
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out
        something old! Remember that time I took a home
        wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
------
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer
kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that...building...
thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
------
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
------
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with
        the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
------
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask
        why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step
        step step step step...slam)
------
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like
        you, but let's get through this thing and then I
        can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
------
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt!
        Do I have to draw you a picture?
------
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they
        smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just
        to get one! (chugs beer)
------
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer:   Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer:   That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer:   That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer:   That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer:
Old man: That's bad.
Homer:   Can I go now?
------
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say
you're prejudiced against all races.
------
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
------
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police
        academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like
        that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark
        and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
------
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
------
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
------
Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
------
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As
an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish
me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...
thy will be done (munch munch munch).
------
Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle.
        Then I became deeply cynical.
------
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up
back here anyway.

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Subj:     Great Quotes Of Men, Women, & Relationships (S48, S154)
          From: collins2 on 01/14/2000
      and From: humorlist-digest V1 #280 on 97-12-28

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of
course, men are just grateful. -- Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder
Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying
enough attention to women's breasts? -- Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the
front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill.
I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the
women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you
look fat in those uniforms." -- Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many
men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say
they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -- Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -- Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women
want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show
me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfield

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time. -- Robin Williams

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he's going to get lucky.
A woman already knows. -- Frederick Ryder

Men get laid, but women get screwed. -- Quentin Crisp (English writer)

I love the lines men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll
only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
-- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)

Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women?
So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire,
four times; her intelligence, eight times. -- Sanskrit proverb

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
-- Anonymous

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten
the last. -- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a womanloses
her's after four kisses. -- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence.
When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of
commitment. -- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is
to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to
let her have it. -- Lyndon B. Johnson

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay
single and make thousands miserable? -- Carrie Snow

The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of
an answer for her first question. -- Anonymous

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