Subj:     Quotations3
                 (Includes 284 jokes and articles, 19 1035n,4,cf,vXT4,2)

Book Worm Runs from
Joseph's Free Stuff
Includes the following:  Pickles Comic Strip (S601c)
.........................Other Quotes
..............................Maya Angelou Quotation (S673)
.........................Quotes From Mike Bucher (S211)
.........................One-Liners From David Riberio (S151)
.........................Quotes From The Workplace (S166, S488b)
.........................More Quotes From The Workplace (S286)
.........................Fifteen Inspiring & Positive Quotes w/Pictures (S879)
.........................Quotes On The Nature Of The Universe
.........................Debunking Famous Quotes (S329b)
.........................Some Famous Quotes
.........................Quotes By Emo Phillips
.........................Quotes from Becky
.........................Supermodel Quotes
.........................Quotes For People Who Won't Consider The Internet
.........................Finding Joy Video (S617b)
.........................Quotes About Computer Programming
.........................Quotes About Apple computers
.........................Quotes Not About Apple Computers
.........................Zits Comic for 1/11/07 (S524c)

Subj:     Pickles Comic Strip (S601c)
          By Brian Crane on 7/16/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2008/07/16
Subj:     Other Quotes

From: Bawdy.Net II introduction on 98-02-08
 "The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to
 hold in higher regard those who think alike than those
 who think differently."  -- Nietzche

 No law or ordinance is mightier than understanding.
   -- Plato, Laws

From NBC News on 7/6/00 (S179)
 The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in
 San Francisco.  -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/23/2002 (S273c)
 The man who does not read good books has no advantage over
 the man who cannot read them.  -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09

 "Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were
 a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."  -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/4/2002 (S283b)
 Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
   -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/16/2002 (S285b)
 "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do
 the day after tomorrow."  -- Mark Twain


 Be careful the toes you step on today maybe be attached
 to the butt you kiss tomorrow.

From: grs@aa.net on 98-04-05
 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at
 the stars.  --  Oscar Wilde

From: humorlist-digest V2 #118 on 98-05-13
 Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #148 on 98-06-15
 Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

 Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-22
 "The quality of our thinking will determine the quality
 of our future."  --  Edward de Bono

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #266 on 98-08-15
 If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #267 on 98-08-21
 I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity
 to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
   -- Hunter S. Thompson

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 on 98-08-31
 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over
 and put it back in your pocket.

 Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #201 on 98-08-29
 Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if
 you wish they were.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
 A closed mouth gathers no feet.

From: smiles on 98-10-01
 "To say of what is that it is not, or of what is not that it
 is, is false; while to say of what is that it is, or of what
 is not that it is not, is true."  -- Aristotle, _Metaphysics_

 "One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go,
 and duck tape to make them stop."  -- G. Weilacher

From: RFSlick on 98-10-17
 I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that
 it can't be blamed on somebody else.


From: LABLaughsClean on 4/20/2009 (S641b)
 "A joke is a very serious thing."
    -- Winston Churchill

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #274 on 98-12-25 (S100)
 "Men show their character in nothing more clearly
  than by what they find laughable." -Anon

From: LABLaughsClean on 4/25/2005 (S430)
 "A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the
 joke he resents."  -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)

From: LABLaughsClean on 6/13/2005 (S437)
 "Men show their characters in nothing more clearly than in
 what they think laughable."
   -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)

From: LABLaughsClean on 3/23/2006 (S479)
 "Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or
  a wig.  How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?"
    -- Frank Moore Colby

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/13/2006 (S508b)
 "He who laughs, lasts."
    -- Mary Pettibone Poole

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 10/19/2006 (S508b)
 "They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us,
 but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes
 in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with
 a higher grade of manure. "  -- Ernest Hemingway

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/25/2006 (S510b)
 "A serious and good philosophical work could be written
  consisting entirely of jokes."  -- Ludwig Wittgenstein

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 11/12/2006 (S511b)
 "Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
    -- Victor Borges

From: LABLaughsClean on 11/8/2006 (S512b)
 "I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of
  which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized
  music in the world."  -- Peter Ustinov

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 11/18/2006 (S513b)
 "You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down
 in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants."
   -- Stephen King


From: mbucher on 99-02-03 (S106)
 The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
 thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the
 wrong thing at the tempting moment.

From: a_fool on 5/18/99
 I can never accomplish what I want, only what I
 would have wanted had I thought of it before hand.
   -- Richard Diebenkorn

 He who fights with monsters should look to it that
 he himself does not become a monster....  When you
 gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.
   -- Friedrich Nietzsche

From: TA989287 on 8/16/99 (S133)
 A day without sunshine is like, --night!

From: TA989287 on 8/16/99 (S133)
 That best portion of a good man's life; his little,
 nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
   --  William Wordsworth (1770-1850, British Poet)

From: grs on 8/31/99 (S135)
  Act as if the maxim of thy action were to
  become by thy will a universal law of nature,
  on which every other person would act.  -- I. Kant

From: TA989287 on 09/11/1999 (S137)
 Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

 One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

From: Anaise on 11/05/1999 (S145)
 Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness
 always pays off now.

 The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut
 by the lawnmower.

From: smiles on 11/22/1999 (S147)
 a quote I just read:
   Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

From: agrief on 12/09/1999 (S149)
 You only lose if you refuse to get back up.

From: RFSlick on 01/29/2000 (S157)
 Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

 On the other hand, you have different fingers.

From: RFSlick on 02/14/2000 (S159)
 "Work like you don't need the money,
  Love like you've never been hurt,
  Dance like nobody's watching"

From: octagon999 on 8/5/00 (S184)
 If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted
 on the Sistine floor.  -- Neil Simon  (1927-, American Playwright)

From: Newsweek, October 2,2000, Page 42 (S191 in schools3)
 "By the time students graduate from high school, they've
 spent a full year being taught by substitutes,...

From: TAdams on 11/16/2000 (S198)
 "The people who vote decide nothing.  The people who count
  the vote decide everything."  -- Josef Stalin.
  (posthumous advisor to a certain un-named campaign)

From: TAdams on 1/24/2001 (S208)
 There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go,
 if he doesn't mind who gets the credit.
   --  Ronald R. Reagan

From: gheckman on 1/28/2001 (S209)
 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -
 to steal from many  is research.

From: TAdams on 4/20/2001 (S221)
 "We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready
 in the night tovisit violence on those who would do us harm."
  --  George Orwell

From: KMACINTY on 5/9/2001 (S223)
 "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/9/2001 (S224)
 "What's another word for thesaurus?"  -- Steven Wright.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/29/2001 (S227, S231)
 "I spilled spot remover on my dog-now he's gone."
    -- Steven Wright

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/27/2001 (S231)
 "The chip on my shoulder's a little heavy.  I have back
  problems now."  -- Janeane Garofalo

From: TAdams on 8/20/2001 (S238)
 No lack of strategy cannot be overcome by good dice rolling.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/10/2001 (S245)
 "My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything
 because I procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."
   -- Judy Tenuta

From: dogbyte on 10/23/2001 (S247)
 "Virtue" is the failure to achieve vice.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/15/2001 (S250)
 "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others
 whenever they go."  -- Oscar Wilde

From: dogbyte on 11/26/2001 (S252)
 If you don't care where you are,
 then you ain't lost.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/28/2001 (S253)
 "Here's a bonehead error that guys often commit in guest
 bathrooms: They see soap on a soap dish, and they use it to
 wash their hands. This of course ruins the guest soap, which
 is defined as "soap that guests are not supposed to use."
 Its purpose is to match the guest towels."  -- Dave Barry

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/7/2002 (S271c)
 "People demand freedom of speech to make up for the
  freedom of thought which they avoid."
    -- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/13/2002 (S275c)
 "When you're moving your whole world becomes finding boxes.
 You become obsessed. You could be at a funeral, everyone's
 crying, you're looking at the casket. 'That's a nice box.
 It even has handles.'"  -- Jerry Seinfeld

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/10/2002 (S297b)
 Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
   -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/14/2002 (S298b)
 Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
   -- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/7/2004 (S404b)
 "I cannot believe that the inscrutable universe turns on an
 axis of suffering; surely the strange beauty of the world
 must somewhere rest on pure joy!"  -- Louise Bogan

From: Newsweek magazine
     on Dec. 7,2009 (S673)
Photo from Heritge Channel
 Source: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/3503.Maya_Angelou
 As a school teacher, I believe the following is the
 single, most important quotation ever made:
    "I've learned that people
     will forget what you said,
     people will forget what you did,
     but people never forget how
     you made them feel."
       -- Maya Angelou

Subj:     Quotes From Mike Bucher (S211)
          From: mbucher on 2/14/2001
      and From KPIG.com site

 1. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where
    he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad
    it is."  -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

 2. "Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake
    that, you're in."  -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

 3. (On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing
    each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
      -- Yassir Arrafat (PLO leader)

 4. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
      -- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

 5. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
    airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
    people who do."  -- Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

Subj:     One-Liners From David Riberio (S151)
          From: DVR on 12/20/1999

 It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
    and blamed it on the cost of living.

 Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

 We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse.

 The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
    something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to
    end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

 Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

 You can't have everything, where would you put it?

 Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
    world's population.

 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 Eat right.  Stay fit.  Die anyway.

 The things that come to those that wait may be the things left
    by those who got there first.

 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man to
    fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

 Flashlight:  A case for holding dead batteries.

 Shin:  A device for finding furniture in the dark.

 As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

 When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek,
    that's a  moray!

 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

 The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

 I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands
    of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear
    bright until you hear them speak.

Subj:     Quotes From The Workplace (S166, S488b)
          From: smiles on 04/05/2000
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 5/30/2006

 A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.  They
 were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-
 life Dilbert-type managers.  These were voted the top eleven
 quotes from the Dilberts who inhabit our world ...

 And the managers thus spoke:

 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
 building using individual security cards.  Pictures will be
 taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
 in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at
 Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we
 will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.
 It should be used only for company business." (Accounting
 manager, Electric Boat Company)

 4 "This project is so important, we can't let things that
 are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing
 manager, United Parcel Service)

 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
 No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!  We
 have been working on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a
 few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
 (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

 6. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
 that only needed corrections.  She claims the disk I gave her
 was damaged and she couldn't edit it.  The disk I gave her was
 write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what
 I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
 Monday.  When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so
 that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
 He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.  He
 said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD

 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company
 is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching
 supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
 "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding
 the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

 11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
 concerning a project I was working on.  I asked him if tomorrow
 would be soon enough.  He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I
 would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business
 manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Subj:     More Quotes From The Workplace (S286)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/23/2002

 Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue
 having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why
 no work is getting done".

 Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault.
 I said I was going to blame it on you."

 A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue
 until morale improves.

 A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of
 good people to get the ones we hired."

 My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because
 it's unfamiliar territory.

 My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I
 see as a protective barrier.

 My Boss needs a surge protector.  That way his mouth
 would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

 I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for
 myself.  My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least
 I respect him.

 He's given automobile accident victims new hope for
 recovery.  He walks, talks and performs rudimentary
 tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

 Some people climb the ladder of success.  My Boss
 walked under it.

 Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of
 a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry
 if I ever gave you the impression your input would
 have any effect on my decision for the outcome of
 this project!"

 HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no
 computer training.  Although that qualifies you for
 upper management, it means you're under-qualified
 for our entry level positions."

 Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one
 summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing
 candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter
 finishes her summer classes.

Subj:     Fifteen Inspiring And Positive
.............Quotes w/Pictures (S879)
          From: AFine963 on 11/10/2013

 Click 'HERE' to see these fifteen wonderful quotes in pictures.

Subj:     Quotes On The Nature Of The Universe

Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light
   side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe
   and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire
   universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the
   universe when it's hard enough to find your way
   around Chinatown."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of
   the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software
   engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof
   programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and
   better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though
   I don't know what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon
   need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that
   intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that
   it has never tried to contact us."
Thanks to: Skye Ridley for this contribution

Subj:     Debunking Famous Quotes (S329b)
          From: FridaySilliness on 5/16/2003

 Time to debunk some patently untrue "Truths".
 And who are *They* anyway??


* "Everything Comes In Threes"

  Not true.  In reality, everything comes in ones. Some-
  times, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like
  everything comes in threes.  By the way, in medieval
  times, it was widely believed that everything came in
  twenty-sixes.  They were wrong too.  It just took them
  longer to recognize the pattern.

* "You Can't Take It With You (when you die)"

  Well, that depends on what It is.  If it's your dark
  blue suit, you can certainly take it with you.  In fact,
  not only can you take it with you, you can probably put
  some things in your pockets.

* "You Learn Something New Every Day"

  Actually, you learn something old every day.  Just
  because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new.
  Other people already knew it.  Columbus is a good example
  of this.

* "The Sky's The Limit"

  Well, how can the sky be the limit?  The sky never ends.
  What kind of a limit is that?  The earth is the limit.
  You dig a hole and what do you keep getting?  More earth.
  The earth is the limit.

* "You Get What You Pay For"

  Clearly this is not true.  Have you been shopping recently?
  Only a very naive person would believe that you get what
  you pay for.  In point of fact, if you check your purchases
  carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like
  giving you.  And if corporations get any more powerful, you
  soon might not even get that.

* "Tomorrow Is Another Day"

  Not necessarily true.  Today is another day.  We have no
  idea what tomorrow is going to be.  It might turn out to
  be another day, but we can't be sure.  If it happens, I'll
  be the first to say so.  But you know what?  By that time,
  it will be today again.

* "You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too"

  Absurd.  What good is having a cake if you can't eat it?
  I myself have eaten many a cake that I've first had.  And
  for that matter, how can you eat a cake that you *don't*

* "Nice Guys Finish Last"

  Not true.  Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys
  finish third in a field of six.  Actually, short guys
  finish last.  By the way, in medieval times, it was widely
  believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth.  You can
  see how limited those people were.

* "If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All"

  Do we even have to talk about this one?  This should be
  obvious.  If you've seen one, you've seen ... one.  If
  you've seen them all, *then* you've seen them all.  I
  don't even understand how this one got started.

* "Only the Good Die Young"

  This isn't necessarily so.  Mother Theresa was very old
  when she died, and she is almost a saint.  So what is
  this saying really trying to tell us?  To live forever
  you must be very very bad???  Was Mother Theresa really
  Satan then???  I am confused!

Subj:     Some Famous Quotes
          from the Humor Box 03/18/97

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 12/4/2005 (S463b - political2)
 "It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books
  of quotations."  -- Sir Winston Churchill

 "Smoking kills.  If you're killed, you've lost a very
  important part of your  life."  -- Brooke Shields, during
  an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
  anti-smoking campaign.

 "They gave me a book of checks.  They didn't ask for any
  deposits."  -- Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press
  conference to answer questions about the House Bank Scandal.

 "He didn't say that.  He was reading what was given to him
  in a speech."  -- Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining
  why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge
  that there would be no loss of wetlands.

 "It depends on your definition of asleep.  They were not
  stretched out.  They had their eyes closed.  They were seated
  at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
    -- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News
    Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory
    Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant
    operators were sleeping on the job.

 "I didn't accept it.  I received it."  -- Richard Allen,
    National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining
    the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two
    Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private
    interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

 "I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened
    that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."
    -- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by
    the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was
    returned to the US.

 "I was under medication when I made the decision not to
  burn the tapes."  -- President Richard Nixon

 "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
  body."  -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky
  basketball forward.

 "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be
  dying of something else anyway."  -- Othal Brand, member
  of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

 "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will
  be discontinued.  Reason: it has been reported to our
  office that you expired on January<br> 1, 1976."
    -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

 "In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
    -- John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard
    Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a
    contemporary "American Scholar".

 "Rotarians, be patriotic!  Learn to shoot yourself."
    -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".

 "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people
  who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and
  mayor of Philadelphia.

 "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in
  Africa are vastly underpolluted."  -- Lawrence Summers,
  chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should
  export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

 "The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the
  Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes:
  assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and
  murdering a government poultry inspector."
    -- Knight Rider News Service dispatch

 "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of
  principal, the school board is extremely pleased to
  announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
    -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools,
    Barrington Rhode Island.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #208 on 97-09-26 (S35)
 I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I
 know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond.
   -- Dolly Parton

 You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you
 hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
   -- Erica Jong

 I want to have children, but my friends scare me.  One of
 my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.  I don't
 even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
   -- Rita Rudner

 I figure that if the children are alive when I get home,
 I've done my job.  -- Roseanne

 My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a
 child.  We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our
 lives.  -- Rita Rudner

 I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback
 riding.  That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
   -- Susie Loucks (S114)

 This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross
 between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay
 trucker?"  -- Judy Tenuta

 He tricked me into marrying him.  He told me he was pregnant
   -- Carol Leifer

 I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
   -- Wendy Liebman

 Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
   -- Erma Bombeck

 If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
   -- Sue Grafton

 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.  -- Gilda Radner

 I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
   -- Roseanne

 I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't.  So I
 grew hair under my arms instead.  -- Sue Kolinsky

 I look just like the girls next door . . . if you happen to
 live next door to an amusement park.  -- Dolly Parton

 I found out why cats drink out of the toilet.  My mother
 told me it's because it's cold in there.  And I'm like:
 How did my mother know THAT?  -- Wendy Liebman

 I think - therefore I'm single  -- Lizz Winstead

 There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.
   -- Goethe

From: smiles on 4/6/99
 You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther
 with a smile and a gun.  -- Al Capone

Subj:     Quotes By Emo Phillips
          From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97

 Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to
 dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm
 squash.  -- Emo Phillips

 The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to
 kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
   -- Emo Phillips

 I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your
 purse."  -- Emo Phillips

 Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through
 the leather straps.  -- Emo Phillips

 I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...
 and dragged it fifteen feet.  -- Emo Phillips

 The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see
 you on television?"
 I said, "I don't know.  You can't see out the other way."
   -- Emo Phillips

 Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless
 driving.  When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if
 he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state
 was.  His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"

 I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little
 children jump up and down and run around yelling and
 screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
   -- Emo Phillips

 I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was
 crushed.  So I said, "Get off me, you two!"  -- Emo Phillips

 I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man
 standing on the edge, about to jump off.  So I ran over and
 said "Stop! Don't do it!"
 "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
 I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"  He said,
 "Like what?"  I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
 He said, "Religious."
 I said, "Me too!  Are you christian or buddhist?"
 He said,"Christian."
 I said, "Me too!  Are you catholic or protestant?"
 He said, "Protestant."
 I said, "Me too!  Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
 He said, "Baptist!"
 I said, "Wow!  Me too!  Are you Baptist Church of God or
    Baptist Church of the Lord?"
 He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
 I said, "Me too!  Are you original baptist church of god,
    or are you reformed baptist church of god?"
 He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!"
 I said, "Me too!  Are you reformed baptist church of god,
    reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god,
    reformation of 1915?"
 He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
 I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.  -- Emo Phillips

 The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800.  I said
 "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return.
 Given what you've been paying for things lately, that
 should more than make up the difference."  -- Emo Phillips

 A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened
 to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on
 it.  -- Emo Phillips

 [Note: Philip Glass's music is pseudo classical-new age
 stuff that repeats incessently.  I'm serious. I listened
 to a CD -- and the first 15 minutes was the same chord
 progression on a tinkly type thing. Pretty boring.]

Subj:     Quotes From Becky
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-09

          Moved to 'Addemdum To Murphy's Law' in LAWS

Subj:     Supermodel Quotes

 Below are actual quotes from some of today's hardest
 working and best-known supermodels on various topics.
 As you can see not everyone is cut out to be a supermodel.

 ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a
 swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave.
 See, every woman hates herself from behind."
   --  Cindy Crawford

 ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE: "Everywhere I went, my cleavage
 followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage."
   --  Carole Mallory

 ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to get
 plastic surgery."  -- Beverly Johnson

 ON FATE: "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess
 I have to face that."  -- Christie Brinkley

 ON PSYCHOLOGY: "I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into
 the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied
 up in plastic bags.  It has to do with low self-worth."
   -- Tatjana Patitz

 ON ARRIVING: "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to
 save up and be more particular about the acting roles I
 take."  -- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and
 'Danger Island'

 ON CAREER CHOICES: "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true
 calling to be a librarian."  -- Paulina Porizkova

 ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather exercise than read a
 newspaper."  -- Kim Alexis

 ON GEOPOLITICS: "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each
 other a lot.  We talked all night. We had the same views
 on nuclear disarmament."  -- Jerry Hall

 ON INNER STRENGTH: "I love the confidence that makeup
 gives me."  -- Tyra Banks

 ON DEATH: "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs,
 but sometimes I can't help it."  -- Cindy Crawford

 ON TRAVEL: "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame,
 the Louvre.  I haven't seen anything. I don't really
 care."  -- Tyra Banks

 ON BREAKTHROUGHS: "Once I got past my anger toward my
 mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
   -- Gabrielle Reece

 ON EPIPHANY: "I just found out that I'm one inch taller
 than I thought."  -- Christie Brinkley

 ON HEREDITY: "My husband was just OK looking. I was in
 labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly?  You're
 ugly."  -- Beverly Johnson

 ON THE BASICS: "It's very important to have the right
 clothing to exercise in.  If you throwON an old T-shirt
 or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
   -- Cheryl Tiegs

 ON INTRODUCTIONS: "I think most people are curious about
 what it would be like to be able to meet yourself --
 it's eerie."  -- Christy Turlington

 ON COURTSHIP: "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is
 a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to
 hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby."
   -- Fabio

 ON PARADOX: "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be
 alone ..."  -- Tatjana Patitz

 ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER: "I've looked in the mirror
 every day for 20 years.  It's the same face."
   -- Claudia Schiffer

 ON TRAGEDY: "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my
 ankles -- but I had on thick tights underneath."
   -- Naomi Campbell

 ON INSTINCT: "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call
 time-out and eat some crackers."  -- Carol Alt

 ON THE CASTE SYSTEM: "We're not Prince Charles and Princess
 Di.  We don't think of ourselves as royalty.  We happen to
 be working people."  -- Christie Brinkley

 ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS: "I tried on 250 bathing suits in
 one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down
 my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all
 over them."  -- Cindy Crawford

 ON ECONOMICS: "I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
   -- Linda Evangelista

 ON ZEN: "When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too
 much or it doesn't work."  -- Paulina Porizkova

 ON LOGIC: "I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be
 photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me."
   -- Christy Turlington

 ON BODY PARTS: "I don't know what to do with my arms.  It
 just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking
 at me and that makes me nervous."  -- Tyra Banks

 ON BODY LANGUAGE: "You can usually tell when I'm happy by
 the fact that I've gained weight."  -- Christy Turlington

 ON DEPRIVATION: "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I
 would work out all the time."  -- Linda Evangelista

 ON MOTIVATION: "It was kind of boring for me to have to
 eat.  I would know that I had to, and I would."  -- Kate Moss

 ON VERSATILITY: "I can do anything you want me to do so
 long as I don't have to speak."  -- Linda Evangelista

 ON THE GRIEF PROCESS: "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987
 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying
 where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army.  It
 was a big loss."  -- Veronica Webb

 ON VENGEANCE: "Girls are always getting mad at each other
 and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another
 girl's hair."  -- Tasha

 ON BATTING .667: "I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't
 suck as an actress."  -- Cameron Diaz

 "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
 important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an
 interview to become spokeswoman for a federal anti-smoking

Subj:     Great Quotes For People Who Won't Consider The Internet

 "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
    -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march
    of science, 1949

 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
    -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and
 talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
 processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
   -- The editor in charge of business books
   for Prentice Hall, 1957

 "But what ... is it good for?" commenting on the microchip.
    -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems
    Division of IBM, 1968,

 "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their
 home." 1977 quote  -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and
 founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,

 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
 considered as a means of communication.  The device is
 inherently of no value to us."
   -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

 "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
 Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
   -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings
   for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

 "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order
 to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
   -- A Yale University management professor in response to
   Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery
   service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

 "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
    -- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

 "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his
 face and not Gary Cooper."  -- Gary Cooper on his decision
 not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

 "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research
 reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and
 chewy cookies like you make."
   -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of
   starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

 "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way
 out."  -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

 "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
    -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

 "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the
 experiment.  The literature was full of examples that said
 you can't do this."  -- Spencer Silver on the work that led
 to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

 "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing
 thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you
 think about funding us?  Or we' ll give it to you.  We just
 want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.'
 And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,
 and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you.  You haven't got
 through college yet.'"  -- Apple Computer Inc. founder
 Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in
 his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

 "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development
 across all of your muscles?  It can't be done.  It's just a
 fact of life.  You just have to accept inconsistent muscle
 development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
   -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
   problem by inventing Nautilus.

 "Drill for oil?  You mean drill into the ground to try and
 find oil?  You're crazy."  -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake
 tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

 "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high
 plateau."  -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale
 University, 1929.

 "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
    -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
    Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

 "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
    -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of
    Patents, 1899.

 "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
    -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at
    Toulouse, 1872

 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be
 shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
   -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon,
   appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

Subj:     Finding Joy Video (S617b in Happiness)
          From: darrellvip on 11/2/2008]
..........At: (Removed from thejoymovie.com)
Animated GIF from MySpace-Dave Miller

 This is a movie of beautiful still pictures
 and impressive quotations about "Simple
 secrets to a happy life."  Click 'HERE' to
 view it.

Subj:     Quotes About Computer Programming

 If a programmer is found to be indispensable, the best
 thing to do is to get rid of him as quickly as possible.
   -- The Psychology of Computer Programming,
   Gerald M. Weinberg, (Van Nostrand Reinhold Co., 1971)

 Some years ago, when COBOL was the great white programming
 hope, one heard much talk of the possibility  of  executives
 being able to read programs.. nobody can seriously have
 believed [this]... even programmers do not read programs.
   -- Weinberg, p.5

 Asking for efficiency and adaptibility in the same program
 is like asking for a beautiful and modest wife... we'll
 probably have to settle for one or the other.
   -- Weinberg, p.31

 To  detect  errors,  the programmer must have a conniving
 mind, one that delights in uncovering flaws where beauty and
 perfection were once thought to lie.
   -- Weinberg, p.136

 For  locating errors, however, we want a person who has the
 persistence of a mother-in-law and the collecting instincts
 of a pack rat.  -- Weinberg, p.136

 Another effect [of not having a spoken form] is the
 difficulty with which we can talk about a programming
 language without a blackboard or pencil and paper.  Every
 programming office should have a blackboard, chalk, and
 many erasers.  -- Weinberg, p.207

 'Programming' - like 'loving' - is a single word  that
 encompasses an infinitude of activities.  -- Weinberg, p.121

 The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he
 sweeps on to the grand fallacy.  -- Anonymous

 The nature of programming being what it is, there is no
 relationship between the 'size' of the error and the problems
 it causes.  -- Weinberg, p.247

 Documentation is the castor oil of programming... the
 managers know it must be good because programmers hate it
 so much.  -- Weinberg, p.262

 The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten per cent of
 its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
   -- Anonymous

 We stand at the brink of a new age, an age made possible by
 the revolution that is embodied in the computer.  Standing
 on the brink, we could totter either way - to a golden age
 of liberty or a dark age of tyranny, either of which would
 surpass anything the world has ever known.  Perhaps no
 individual's efforts will make any difference in the result,
 but we must never cease trying, for then the result is sure
 to be  tyranny.  -- Weinberg, p.279

 He'll  sit here and he'll say, 'Do this!  Do that!'  And
 nothing will happen.  -- Harry S. Truman

 Never go to sea with two chronometers; take one or three.
   -- Anonymous

 I know it.  I know what needs to be done - but every time I
 try to tackle a technical problem some bloody fool wants me
 to make a decision about trucks - or telephones - or some
 damn thing.  -- Robert Heinlein, The Man Who Sold the Moon

 I don't know any reason why we couldn't do it, but maybe
 we can think of one.  -- Mark C. Davison

 The user does not know what he wants until he sees what he
 gets.  -- Ed Yourdon

 It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools
 are so ingenious.  -- Edsel Murphy, dec.

 "Beware the fury of a patient man"  -- John Dryden

 "Kids in the front of cars cause accidents,
 Accidents in the back of cars cause kids!"

From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997
 Blessed are the Deaf for they cannot hear the Dumb.

 ... when you're up to your ass in alligators, it is
 difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective
 was to drain the swamp.

Subj:     Quotes About Apple computers

From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
 "Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits, the rebels, the
 troublemakers.  The round pegs in the square holes, the
 ones who see things differently.  They're not fond of
 rules and they have no respect for the status quo.  You
 can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them.
 About the only thing you can't do is ignore them.  Because
 they change things, they push the human race forward.  And
 while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius,
 because the people who are crazy enough to think they can
 change the world, are the ones who do."
   -- Apple commercial "Think Different"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #168 & #175
 "I view the Apple tragicomedy not as a war of operating
 systems but as a fascinating case study in the potentially
 fatal alchemy of arrogance, bad marketing, ingenious
 product development, loyal customers and abysmal public
 relations."  -- Paul Furiga, editor, Pittsburgh Business Times

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172
 What's the difference between Apple and the Boy Scouts of
 America?  The Boy Scouts have adequate adult supervision.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #173
 "Despite the cute recycle can and other Mac-like features,
 Windows 95 is still an inelegant pretender to the invitingly
 simple Mac operating system."
   -- Paul Furiga, editor, Pittsburgh Business Times

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #174
 "The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in
 shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of
 technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it
 was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led
 them into it in the first place."
   -- Douglas Adams, on Windows '95.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #181
 If you're having problems with your computer, check the
 upper left corner of your screen.  If there isn't an Apple
 there, that's your problem.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #191
 "It would not be an exaggeration to describe the history
 of the computer industry for the past decade as a massive
 effort to keep up with Apple.  In 1984, critics derided
 the Mac for its appliance-like simplicity, but it went on
 to pioneer or popularize almost every innovation in personal
 computing: the GUI, desktop publishing, built-in networking,
 plug and play, integrated multimedia..."
   -- BYTE Magazine, December 1994

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #192
 "It would also not be an exaggeration to describe the history
 of the computer industry for the past decade as a massive
 effort by Apple to keep ripping off the unknowing public with
 an over-priced, under-supported, non-standard computing
 system in a vain attempt to keep from quietly going into
 that dark night."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #195
 "Don't get me started on Windows 95, which, as they say,
 has the look and feel of Macintosh 84. It's no coincidence
 the Macintosh is the platform of choice for artists of all
 kinds, while every pencil-pushing fluorescent-lit drudge
 in the world hunches over a PC."  -- Keir Serris

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #230 ON 98-02-14
 "The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is
 clearly the top 10%."  -- Douglas Adams, 1996 WWDC.

From: Contra Costa Times, Business second,
      page C1 on 9/11/2011 (S765)
 "Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.
  They somehow always know what you truly want to become."
   -- Steve Jobs

Subj:     Quotes Not About Apple Computers

From: Anaise on 98-02-10
 Imagine the disincentive to software development if after
 months of work another company could come along and copy
 your work and market it under its own name... without legal
 restraints to such copying, companies like Apple could not
 afford to advance the state of the art"
   -- Bill Gates, 1983 (New York Times, 25 Sep 1983, p. F2)

From Bawdy.Net Collage #81
 In formal protest to the Communications Decency Ammendment
 of the Telecommunications Act signed into US law on Feb. 8,
 all my electronic communication will now include George
 Carlin's original "Seven Words You Can't Say On Television":
 shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker and tits.
 Sue me.

From Bawdy.Net Collage #176
 "Hunting for porn on the Internet combines the best of art
 photography (picture's of people private parts) with the
 excitement of video games (hunt...click...hunt....click...
 click...dirty pictures...Score!)."  -- Dan Savage

From Bawdy.Net Collage #179
 Life's a bitch, and then she fucks you for your money.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #192
 "Scientists estimate that by the end of this century, via
 the means of Virtual Reality, a man will be able to simulate
 making love to any women he wants to through his television
 set.  You know, folks, the day an unemployed ironworker can
 lay in his Barc-a-lounger with a Fosters in one hand and a
 channel flicker in the other and fuck Claudia Schiffer for
 $19.95, it's gonna make crack look like Sanka, all right?!"
   -- Dennis Miller

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #196
 "We have put forth a great deal of effort to ensure the
 offensiveness of at least one of the preceeding jokes.  If
 you were not offended, we sincerely apologize."

From: humorlist-digest V1 #238 on 97-11-02
 "Do men feel some erogenous zones are misunderstood? Yes.
 "Balls have always been treated like unwelcome country
 cousins.  You recognize them when they show up at the door,
 but you're not happy to see them, because you have no idea
 how to keep them entertained."  From Sex Tips for Straight
 Women from a Gay Man by Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman.

From: Bawdy.Net Bah! Humbug! Collage on Date: 97-12-25
 "We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a
 million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire
 works of Shakespeare.  Now, thanks to the Internet, we
 know this is not true."  -- Professor Robert Silensky of
 California University

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #259 on 98-07-14
 That gentlemen prefer blondes is due to the fact that,
 apparently, pale hair, delicate skin and an infantile
 expression represent the very apex of frailty which every
 man longs to violate.  -- Alexander King

Subj:     Zits Comic for 1/11/07 (S524c)
          By Jerry Scott and Jim Borgmanon 1/29/07
 Source: http://comicskingdom.com/zits
 I thought this Zits quotation was cute enough to include on
 my web site.  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

                           -(o o)-
..............................From Kurrus.Net