Signs and Names

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Subj: Signs and Names
(Includes 871 jokes on 37 web pages, 12 1113n,8,cf,wYT2a5b,37+3)

..........L5 Update

Click "Here" for Signs-Supp

The Pizza Man
from
Fortisgraphix

..............................Cute Pan Handler Sign (S493)
..............................Five Cute Signs (S451)

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Subj: Burma Shave Road Signs
..........(S438, S453b,d)
in 2005 (644 signs in 35 files)

Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is

a quick lesson in our history of the
1930's and '40's. Before there were
interstates, when everyone drove the
old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs
would be posted all over the country-
side in farmers' fields. They were
small red signs with white letters.
Five signs, about 100 feet apart,
each containing 1 line of a 4 line
couplet... and the obligatory 5th
sign advertising Burma Shave, a
popular shaving cream.

My all time favorite set of signs is:

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

If you would like to read more Burma Shave signs, click the
button below, to see 644 more sets of signs.
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Subj: Fun With Names (S328b, DU)
From: coreymac in 2003

1. IACOCCA (the former Chrysler President/CEO)stands for

I
A m
C hairman
O f
C hrysler
C orporation
America

coincidence?.......... try these!

2. Bush (the American President)

Beat
U p
S addam
Hussein!

3. Clinton (remember him?)

Call
L ewinsky,
I
Need
T he
O ral
Now

However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming

Osama (WHO doesn't know him)

O h
S hit,
A merican
M issiles
A gain!

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Subj:     Laugh So Hard (S910)
         From: Robin Simmons on Facebook
Source: www.etsy.com/listing/42776338/you-
.........made-me-laugh-so-hard-tears-ran-down
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Subj:     Stupid Product Signs (S154, DU)
          From: RFSlick in 2000

In case you needed further proof that the human race is
doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be .. how??)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(!!!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on the bottom of the box) -- Do not turn
upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks ? Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time???)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those
fork lifts!)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to outer space or underground)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Hmmmm, now I'm curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(No Comment)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(What is going on here?)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(As if you try to stop *anything* with your genitals
- clearly my favorite of the list)

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

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Subj: More Stupid Product Labels (S243b, DU)
..........From: jokecenter.com in 2001

1. On a blanket from Taiwan
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM
UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE
PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE
INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

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Subj:     Revolution is Love - Graffiti Sign (S1048)
          From: Lewis Walden IV on Facebook in 2017
Source: www.twitter.com/elmansi/status/283736057642631168
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Subj:     Funny Signs (S97, S667b)
          From: smiles in 1998

- On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van-Cincinnati area
"A flush beats a full house!"

- This is what is on a sign at a little restaurant.
"Eat here or we'll both starve"

- I have a neighbor, a urologist, with his license plate
"NOPCME" (no p c me)

- In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan
"Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection"

- Ohio Road Sign Prosperity 30 mi ->
?- Clinton 70 mi

- Actually seen hanging in a gas station several years ago:
    Our Credit Advisor is Mrs. Helen Waite.
    If you want credit from us, go to Helen Waite.
    (If you don't get it, repeat it slowly)

- Advertisement for a radiator repair shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak".

- In the key west internationl airport's souvenier store
"unattended children will be sold into slavery"

- In the bathroom of a mom and pop store
"we aim to please, so, please, you aim too."

- Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI:
    PUSH, if it doesn't open,
    PULL, if it still doesn't open,
    WE ARE CLOSED.

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Subj: Do You Remember These (S525b,d-On Site)
From: darrell94590 in 2007 (in Elderly3)
..........Source: (Removed oldfortyfives.com)

This video is a wonderful trip down memory lane. The
background music is excellent. You can view it by
clicking 'HERE'.

The video features many Burma Shave Highway ads.

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Subj: Actual Business Signs (S57, S488c)
From: DR SWITZER in 1998

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume
you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian
except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're
looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first
crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your
feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary.
We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every
3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you
send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes
to take what you've got."

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and
be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need
to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully,
we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory.
Growing wise is optional."

From: gheckman on 7/22/00
On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

On another plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip.
Call your plumber.

At a Pizza shop: "7 days without a pizza makes one weak.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

At a towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg.
We want tows.

From: RFSlick in 2001
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello.
Can we pick your nose?"

From: darrell94590 in 2006
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On another Septic Tank Truck: We're #1 in the #2 business

At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit
please back in.

At a Propane Filling Station: Thank heaven for little grills.

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Subj: Misc. Signs:
From: TNKRTEACH in 1998

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

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Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

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Guys: No shirt, No service
Girls: No shirt, No charge

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Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus
(translation of the Greek):
'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'

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A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest

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MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but...
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from
Johannesburg International Airport into town.
An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible
with the roof and all the windows down.
The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'

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Two signs found on top of one another in a country
kitchen several years ago:

   restrooms
     -----
   Please wait for hostess to seat you.

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Seen in a health food store_
"Shoplifters will be beaten over the head
with an organic carrot"

*******************

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

*******************

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read:
Women are not served here...
You have to bring your own.

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Subj:     Push and Pull Sign - T-Shirt (S1000)
          From: darrelldre in 2016
Source: www.ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61bhTCfk4zL._SX522_.jpg
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Subj:     Actual Signs:
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #259 in 1997

1. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline
to anyone in a glass container."

2. In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider
our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

3. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will
be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-- Sisters of Mercy"

4. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."

5. In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing
every night but Sunday."

6. In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

7. In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

8. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our
plans for owning your home."

9. In a New York medical building: "Mental Health
Prevention Center"

10. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick
and tired of the Episcopal Church."

11. On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers
the lowest possible prices and workmanship.."

12. At a number of military bases: "Restricted to
unauthorized personnel."

13. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."

14. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't
kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the
dirty work."

15. In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

16. In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men
with 16 and 17 necks."

17. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

18. On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament
-- Ears pierced"

19. Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

20. In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere
and be cheated when you can come here?"

21. In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

22. On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."

23. In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last
person to leave please see that the perpetual light
is extinguished."

24. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited
from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

25. On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

26. On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing
without permission."

27. On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under
water, this road is impassable."

28. Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

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Subj: Foreign Signs: (S192)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page

(Also see 'Signs In Hotels' in HOTELS)

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In lobby of Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous
    Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers
    are buried daily except Thursday.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours
we guarantee no miscarriages.

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
If you want just condition of warm in your room,
please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
    When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the
    horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if
    he still obstacles your passage then tootle him
    with vigor.

From: Ossama's Laugh in 1997 (S192)
In a Tokyo Hotel:
    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If
    you are not a person to do such a thing is please
    not to read notis.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
    If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
    should press a number of wishing floor. Driving
    is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corriders during the
hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
    with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
    roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up
    in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:
    There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by
    150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.
    These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
    It is strictly forbidden on our black forest
    camping site that people of different gender,
    for instance, men and women, live together in
    one tent unless they are married with each
    other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
    of the opposite gender in the bedroom, it is
    suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we
guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR,
you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all
the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll
find they are best in the long run.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well speaking
- Here speeching American.

From: KMACINTY in 2000 (S192)
In a cemetery:
    Persons are prohibited from picking flowers are
    prohibited from picking flowers from any but
    their own grave

On an Athi River highway:
Take notice: When this sign is under water,
this road is impassable.

One of the Mathare buildings:
Mental Health Prevention Centre.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
Do not activate with wet hands.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
No children allowed.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought
to see the manager.

On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
No trespassing without permission.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other
disgusting behaviours in bed.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special coctails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Bankok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
Please do not bring solicitors into your room.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
    This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude.
    In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here
    to enjoy its solitude.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is repidly taking shape since
the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

From a Russian book on Chess:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge
since this variation has been played.

From: gheckman in 2002
Sign in Japanese public bath:
Foreigh guests are requested not
to put cock in tub.

An advertisement for a donkey ride in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

From: gordonschuk in 2007
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

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Subj:     Turn Me Over Rock (S1067)
          From: Sam Hutkins in 2017
Source: www.thechroniccrafter.com/blog/painting-rocks
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............Click 'HERE' to see the other side.
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Subj:     Other Signs and Names:
          From: grs in 1997

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Subj: Cute Pan Handler Sign (S493)
From: LABLaughsAdult in 2006
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

You can view this cute pan handler's sign by
clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj: Five Cute Signs
From: Anon Jr.
.........in 2005 (S451)

To view these five cute signs click 'HERE'.

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In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.
PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be
opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED
AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE
MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO
THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR
MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL
YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER
AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

From: joke-of-the-day.com in 2003 (S328b)
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
-- Anonymous

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............................From GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley
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