Subj: Word Jokes Supp - mostly puns
(Includes 11 jokes and articles, 17 1057n,7,cif,wXT2a4,3)
Chrissie and Ken's Garden Window
Subj: Punography (S986d)
From: Gabi Butler on Facebook on 12/4/2015
Source: (Removed from funnyjunk.com)
Subj: A Lexophile Loves Words (S951)
From: jbcary on 3/29/2015
"Lexophile" is a word used to
describe those that have a love
for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't
tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married.
They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side
was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine
is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair
she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
.. And the cream of the twisted crop:
Those who get too big for their pants
will be totally exposed in the end !!!
ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN ... IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE.
10 Graphic Puns (S848d)
I went through the first eighty
pages of graphic puns
at CheezBurger.com, and these are my ten favorites.
Click 'HERE' to see them.
Subj: Raising Rabbits In Paris (S744)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org on 4/15/2011
The French will eat almost anything.
A young cook decided
that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided
to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer
restaurants in the city.
He searched all over Paris seeking
a suitable place to
raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old
priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area
behind the rectory for his rabbits.
He successfully raised a number
of them, and when he went
about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him
where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise
them myself, near the
cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.
Subj: Non Sequitur Cartoon (S810)
By Wiley Miller on 7/15/2012
Subj: Punny Thoughts (S812)
From: hendersonjrg on 8/4/2012
Short Puns' in Word_Jokes1
and 'Perfectly Painful Puns' in Word_Joke2)
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian
club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
I read on my medical chart that I had type
A blood, but it was a Type- O.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there's no pop quiz.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost
her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an
extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank,
but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
A paraprosdokian is a figure
of speech in which the latter
part of a sentence is unexpected and oft times very humorous:
If I had a dollar for every girl
that found me unattractive,
they'd eventually find me very attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors
red, white, and blue stand
for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door
and asked for a small donation
towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Hospitality is the art of making
like they're at home when you wish they were.
Women spend more time wondering
what men are thinking
than men spend thinking.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of
but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Men say women should come with
an instruction manual;
but since when has any man stopped to read the instructions.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today,but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed,skydiving is not for you.
Subj: Buffalo's Son Goes To College (S1009)
From: Sam Perkins on 4/27/2016
Subj: The Hills Have A Car Accident In Transylvania
From: pns on 10/13/2002 (S298b, Du)
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty,
were vacationing in Europe,
as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a
rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late,
and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in
front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control!
Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car
swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his
head to clear the fog. Dazed,
he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife
unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and
unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the
Bob carefully picks his wife
up and begins trudging down the
road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads
towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house.
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small,
hunched man opens the door. Bob
immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this
is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and
my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback,
"but we don't have a
phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.
An elegant man comes down the
stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I
am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is
many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic
medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring
them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty
and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table
in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own
injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's
master looks worried.
"things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor
and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and
Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's
master greatly. Wearily,
he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his
pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace.
He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody
fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the
lab tidying up. As the
music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices
the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he
watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is furthur amazed
as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he
dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.......The Hills
are alive with the sound
Subj: Short 'Word' Jokes
Pearls Before Swine II Sunday Comic Strip (S899d)
By Stephan Pastis on 4/6/2014
Pearls Before Swine Sunday Comic Strip (S809)
By Stephan Pastis on 7/8/2012