Subj:     Word Jokes1 - mostly puns
..........(Includes 72 jokes, 14 1135n,8,cf,wXT2a7a,1)

..........L5 Update

Badger's Animated GIF Gallery
Includes the following:  Knock, Knock Photo (DU)
.........................Knock, Knock Jokes (S550)
.........................Drabble Comic Strip (S1054)
.........................Mad TV Knock Knock Jokes - Video (S653b)
.........................Knock-Knock Sign (S974)
.........................Seesaw Tongue Twister (S478c)
.........................Nun Spends The Night In A Monastery (S225)
.........................Gone For Cotton
.........................Mother Goose And Grimm Comic Strip (S892)
.........................Nate The Snake
.........................Lone Ranger And Tonto In A Bar (S135)
.........................Fat Fly
.........................Zits Comic Strip (S1004)
.........................The First Human Clone (S139)
.........................Indian Gets Degree In Electrical Engineering
.........................Bookmaker Stays At An Inn
.........................Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S711)
.........................Ty Lies To Get Job
.........................The Meaning Of Service (S549c, S848)
.........................Potential Strange Names
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S913)
.........................Cute, Short Puns (S356b, S542b)
.........................10 Winning Puns (S610c)
.........................10 Paraprosdokians - Sign (S1103)
.........................Semi-short Jokes

Also see ANIMALS,Other- 'Three Moles Smell The Air'
         ASCII ART I  - 'Writing With Characters'
         ASIAN file   - 'Assyrian King Pawns His Jewels'
......................- 'Mahatma Gandhi'
         BAR1 file    - 'Acronyms At The Bar'
......................- 'Son Is Born With Just A Head'
         BAR-SUPP file- 'Bad Grammar Coffee Mug'
         BEARS file   - 'Two Foreign Scientists Study Grizzlys'
......................- 'Pandamonium'
......................- 'Bear Goes To A Bar'
         BIRDS file   - 'Murder Of Crows' - Photo/Joke
......................- 'Two Robins Eat Worms'
......................- 'Police Burn Marijuana Crop'
         BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'A Rooster, A Cat, And A River'
......................- 'City Boy Buys Two Chickens And A Mule'
         BIRDS-DUCKS  - 'Duck Word Riddle'
         BIRDS-PARROT - 'The Death Of A Parrot'
         BIRTHDAYS    - 'Are You Ready To Sing Happy Birthday?' - Drawing
.........BROTHERS file- 'Naming Twin Sisters'
         BUGS_ETC file- 'Ant Story'
......................- 'A Snail And His Car'
         CAMEL file   - 'Camelflage' - Photo
         CARS1 file   - 'Harrison Ford As Different Ford Model Cars'
         CARS2 file   - 'An Auto Mechanic And His Dog Mace'
......................- 'Bird Hits Car Winshield'
         CARS-SUPP3   - 'Photo Puzzle'
         CHEMISTRY    - 'Two Sodium Atoms'
         CHRISTMAS1   - 'Christmas Puns'
         CHURCH file  - 'Painting The Church'
         DATING2 file - 'Couple Has Sex In A Van'
         DENTIST file - 'Dentist Makes A New Upper Plate'
......................- 'Buddist Has Root Canal'
         DIFFERENCES2 - 'She/He Definitions'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'Gender Language Differences'
......................- 'Secrets Of Women's Language'
.........DOCTOR2 file - 'Guy Sees Doctor About His Asshole'
.........DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'B.C. Comic Strip'
......................- 'Having Lettuce Sticking Out of Your Ass'
.........DOGS3 file   - 'A Puppy Named Life'
......................- 'Three Legged Dog Goes In A Bar'
         DWARFS file  - 'Snow White Takes Pictures Of Dwarfs'
         ENGLISH file - 'Thesaurus Joke/Cartoon'
......................- 'ADC 1999 Awards'
......................- (the whole file)
         ENGLISH-SUPP - 'Complete Vs Finished'
         FACTS3 file  - 'Creative Trash Cans'
         FACTS5 file  - 'A Little History From the 1500s'
         FAMOUS-PEOPL1- 'Definition Of Globalization'
         FAIRYTAILS   - 'Good Witch Glenda In Oz'
         FAT file     - 'You're Fat' - Hippo Photo
......................- 'Two Fat Ladies Exercies And Talk'
         FISHING1 file- 'Newfoundland Night Fishing'
......................- 'Fisherman And His Two Sons'
         FOOD_ETC file- 'Six 'Pea' Photo/Word Puzzles'
         FOURTHofJuly - 'Twins Born On The Fourth Of July'
......................- 'Marco Polo Discovers Fireworks'
         FRENCH file  - 'Pardon My Planet Cartoon'
         FROG file    - 'Frogs Of Keefo Swamp'
......................- 'Frog Wants Bank Load'
         FUCK file    - 'David Letterman - Harrison Ford Tells A Joke' - Video
         GAMES file   - 'Chess Players At Hotel'
         GOLF3 file   - 'Golf Gun Murder'
         GRAVEYARD    - 'Shoe Comic Strip on Crossword Puzzles'
......................- 'Coffin Attack'
         GREEK file   - 'Here's Looking At Euclid' - Brevity Cartoons
......................- 'Ancient Greek Tore His Pants' - Twitter Joke
         HANDICAPPED  - 'The Bishop Needs A Bellringer'
         HORSE file   - 'Horse Named Mayo' - Indian Hills Sign
......................- 'Chicken And Horse Get Stuck'
......................- 'Old Man, A Boy And A Donkey'
.........HORSE-SUPP   - 'Horse Puzzle' - Photo
.........HUNTER-CAMP  - 'The Hunter And The Fly'
         INDIAN file  - 'Indian Grocery Store Sign' at Indian Hills
         IRISH2 file  - 'Irish Potatoe Marries Idaho Spud'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Old Jew Helps Wagon Train'
         JOB-SUPP     - 'Definition-Mission Statement'
......................- 'Tater People'
.........JOB-STUFF    - 'Girl Sells On The Beach'
         JOB-STUF-SUP2- 'Aqua-Thermal Treatment'
.........KIDS4 file   - 'Woman Gives Up Twins'
.........KIDS5 file   - 'Definition of Benign'
.........LAWYER1 file - 'Lawyer And The Czechoslovakian Friend'
         LETTERS2     - 'Peanuts Comic Strip - Dear Grandma'
         LIBRARY file - 'The Pun Reference Library'
         LOVE file    - 'Two Brooms In Love'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Man Murders His Wife'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Maud's Three Marriages'
.........MATH3-SUPP   - 'Bill Cosby Math Equation'
         MEXICAN file - 'Sinko de Mayo' - Photo
         MIDDLE EAST  - 'US Arrests Iraqi School Teacher'
         MOVIES file  - 'Mary Poppins Stays At A Hotel'
         MOTHERS file - 'Mother's Dictionary'
         MUSIC file   - 'Beethoven's Ninth'
         NATIONAL     - 'Number Of Words'
         NATINL_ST-SUP- 'How To Pronounce Wisconsin City'
         NATIVE file  - 'The Golden Throne'
         NATIVE-AMERIC- 'The Story Of Onestone'
......................- 'Edison Visits An Indian Reservation'
......................- 'Indian Eats At Posh Restaurant'
......................- 'Native American Souveniers'
.........OTHR-ANIMALS2- 'Dave Whamond Cartoons'
.........OTHER-OCCUP  - 'The Clock Repairman'
......................- 'Janitor With Rocks'
         OTHER-PEOPLE - 'Mob Of Clowns' - Road Sign
.........PLANE2 file  - 'Two Vulture Fly South'
         POLICE2 file - 'Theft At Police Station'
         POLITICAL2   - 'Political Joke Road Sign' at Indian Hills
         PREACHER     - 'Three Boys Discuss Their Dad's Ability To Write'
         PRIEST2 file - 'Monks Open A Flower Shop'
         PRISON file  - 'EvilCrayon Cartoons' - Condescending
......................- 'Inmate Becomes A Carpenter'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Patient Studied By Two Students'
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Cletus And Billy Bob (and a John Deere)
         RUSSIAN file - 'A Weather Man Named Rudolf'
         SCHOOL-SUPP  - 'Neighbor Follows Tim To School'
         SEX1 file    - 'My Name Is Friday'
         SHIT file    - 'Interesting Word Origin'
......................- 'Fly Eats Cow Manure'
         SHIPS file   - 'A Titanic Cargo...'
......................- 'Bad Musician On A Cruse Ship'
         STARTREK-SPC - 'Important May 4th Event'
         STARTREK-SUP2- 'Metaphor T-Shirt' - Photo
......................- 'Star Wars Girlfriend Pun'
         TESTS1 file  - 'Intriguing Intelligence Test'
         TESTS2 file  - 'Vocal Puzzles'
......................- 'A Puzzle'
         THTS-Time    - 'Time Flies Like An Arrow' - Sign
         TRAIN file   - 'Train Conductor Learns To Flip Coins'
         TREEs file   - 'The Bacon Tree'
......................- 'Pheasant Wants To Climb A Tree'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Wood Truck Truck' - Photo
         URNAL GRAFFTI- 'The Sink At IBM's Watson Center'
         WAITER-SUPP  - 'The Ultimate Racial Joke'
         WEDDING-SUPP - 'Two Brooms Get Married'
.........WORD_Jokes2  - 'When You're Down By The Sea' - Indian Hills Road Sign

Subj: Knock, Knock Photo (DU)
Photo from AppsZoom.com
Subj:     Knock, Knock Jokes (S550)
          From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers in 2007
 Source: (Removed from apuzzlezone.com)

 You've probably played "Knock, Knock" before, but just in
 case you haven't, it's a game that goes like this:
 "Knock, knock," you say to a friend.
 "Who's there?" he replies.
 "Gorilla who?"
 "Gorilla my dreams, I love you."
 Your friend will laugh (you hope), if he gets the pun.
 And if he knows a good "knock-knock," he'll try it on you.
 Before looking at the answers, see how many good "knock-knocks"
 you can invent for these five boys' names:
 1. Hiawatha 2. Sam 3. Noah 4. Tarzan 5. Chester
 And these five girls' names:
 1. Carmen 2. Sharon 3. Celia 4. Sarah 5. Minnie

 The solution can be found at the source above.

 Also see 'Cow Knock Knock' in Cows-Sheep
..........'Putin Tells Obama A Knock Knock Joke' in Russian

Subj:     Drabble Comic Strip (S1054)
          by Kevin Fagan in 2017
 Source: www.gocomics.com/drabble/2017/04/01
Subj:     Mad TV Knock Knock Jokes
          From: YouTube.com
..........in 2009 (S653b,d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/pYvzV4DL1MY

 Click 'HERE' to see these Mad TV's Knock Knock Jokes
 by Jordan Peele and Keegen Michael.

Subj:     Knock-Knock Sign (S974)
          From: Caroline Jenkins in 2015
 Source: (Removed from facebook.com/SingleDadLaughing)
Subj:     Seesaw Tongue Twister (S478c)
          From: LABLaughsClean in 2006

 Mr. See owned a saw.
 And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
 Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
 Before Soar saw See,
 Which made Soar sore.
 Had Soar seen See's saw
 Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
 See's saw would not have sawed
 Soar's seesaw.
 So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
 But it was sad to see Soar so sore
 Just because See's saw sawed
 Soar's seesaw!

Subj:     Nun Spends The Night In A Monastery (S225)
          From: KMACINTY in 2001

 Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery
 and requests shelter there.  Fortunately, she's just in time
 for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's
 ever had.  After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank
 the chefs.

 She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael,
 and this is Brother Charles."

 "I'm very pleased to meet you.  I just wanted to thank you
 for a wonderful dinner.  The fish and chips were the best
 I've ever tasted.  Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

 Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."  She
 turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

 "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the Chip Monk

Subj:     Gone For Cotton
          From: Ossama's Laugh in 1998

 A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
 "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
 "Sorry," the woman replied.  "Fred's gone for cotton."

 The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here
 today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone
 for cotton."

 When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred
 is gone for cotton again,?"  "No," the woman answered
 solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

 Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector
 decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery
 himself.  But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone,
 with this inscription: ... "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

Subj:     Mother Goose And Grimm Comic Strip (S892)
          By Mike Peters in 2014
Source: www.grimmy.com/comics.php
Subj:     Nate The Snake
          From: Bobbyt's Place

 Once apon a time, their lived in a magical land a snake,
 named Nate.  In this land, actually rather close to Nate's
 house there was a great road, and next to this road was a
 lever.  The lever was ancient, and the mythology around
 the lever was that if you were to push it, it would
 trigger the end of the world.  One day, Nate was slithering
 down the road, and he came upon the lever, and began
 crossing the road so he could look at it.  At the same
 moment, a truck came careening around a corner, and the
 driver found himself in a dilema: either hit the snake or
 end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over Nate
 and went on his merry way. The moral of the story is:
 Better Nate than Lever.

Subj:     Lone Ranger And Tonto In A Bar (S135)
          From: Octagon999 on 98-04-28

 The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to
 drink a beer.  After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked
 in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"  The Lone
 Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"

 The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought
 you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"  The
 Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was
 ready to die from heat exhaustion.

 The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting
 to feel a little better.  The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and
 said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can
 create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

 Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around
 Silver.  Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
 returned to the bar to finish his drink.

 A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
 "Who owns that big white horse outside?"  The Lone Ranger stands
 again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

 The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left
 your Injun runnin'."

Subj:     Fat Fly
          From: TNKRTEACH in 1997

 There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he
 happened on a pile of fresh cow manure.  Due to the fact
 that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down
 and began to eat.  He ate and ate and ate.  Finally, he
 decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away.  He
 had eaten too much though, and could not get off the

 As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted
 a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.  He climbed to
 the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once
 he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
 Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock,
 splatting when he hit the floor.

 The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when
 you're full of sh*t.

Subj:     Zits Comic Strip (S1004)
          by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman in 2016
Source: www.comicskingdom.com/zits/2016-03-30
Subj:     The First Human Clone (S139)
          From: Vegas Jokes Archive in 1997

 A scientist was successful in cloning himself.  He was asked
 to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The
 meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York
 skyscraper.  The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded
 to the podium.  The clone sat at the end of the head table.
 The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the
 advances in the field of modern biology. "My fellow scientists,"
 he began.

 Before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet
 and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!".  The crowd began to murmur
 as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!".
 Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My
 fellow scientists,".  Again the clone sprang to his feet and
 yelled, "this dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox.  He's
 a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!".

 Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and
 threw him out of the window.  The crowd gasped and security
 rushed into the room.  A short while later New York's finest
 arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
 The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have
 to arrest you."  The scientist replied, "For what? I have
 committed no crime.  What fell from the window was a clone,
 not a person.".

 The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted
 the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchal-
 lenged.".  The police chief thought for a moment and ordered
 the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..."

Subj:    Indian Gets Degree In Electrical Engineering

 The chief of a poor American Indian tribe .. no paved roads,
 no electricity, no indoor plumbing .. scrimped and saved
 and finally was able to send his eldest son to college.  The
 lad did well, working hard for four years and finally
 graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering.

 Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a
 welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments.
 Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a
 call of nature.  Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road
 to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack
 of lights.

 The next day, the son decided to put his education to work.
 He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction
 drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete
 with lights for the path leading thereto.  It was constructed
 and was an immediate success.  This chief's son will go down
 in history as the first indian to wire a head for a reservation.

Subj:     Bookmaker Stays At An Inn
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #165

 There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a
 long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened upon an
 inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven.  Since
 it was located in the middle of a desolate stretch of
 country, and he didn't know how much farther the next place
 would be, he decided to stop there for the night, and
 satisfy his curiosity about the name at the same time.

 "It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained. "You
 see, my name is Steven Even.  So I just decided to turn it
 around and call this The Even Steven.  I thought if might
 get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask questions,
 and sometimes it does."

 "That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a name," said
 the bookie appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of

 "It hasn't brought me so much luck," he said.  "The folks
 who stop here don't stay long.  There's not much gaiety
 around here, as you could see.  In fact, there's not
 another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, which-
 ever way you go.  Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower.
 And worse still for my daughters.  Three of the loveliest
 girls you ever set eyes on, should have their pick of boy
 friends.  But, they are getting so frustrated they're
 about to do anything for a man."

 The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to more
 in the same vein until hunger obliged him to change the
 subject to that of food.  An excellent home-cooked dinner
 was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced
 herself as Blanche Even; and when he was surfeited she
 still kept pressing him to ask for anything else he

 Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to
 you for a while?"

 "Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day
 and I feel like closing the book."

 He went to his room and had just started to undress when
 there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breath-
 taking brunette came in.

 "I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if
 you'd got everything you want."

 "I think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot
 of traveling, so I pack very systematically."

 When he had finally convinced her and got rid of her, he
 climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read
 himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the door
 opened again to admit an utterly stupefying redhead in a
 negligee to end all negligees.

 "I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure
 your bed was comfortable."

 "It is," he assured her.

 "I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted.
 "May I try it myself?"

 "If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out
 while you do it."

 When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief
 and was about to put out the light at last when the door
 burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped
 in, glowing with indignation.

 "What's the matter with you," he roared. "I got to
 listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing,
 the most luscious gals in this county, because they all
 try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of
 'em a tumble.  Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

 "I'm sorry," said the transient.  "But I told you when
 I registered I'm a professional bookmaker.  I only lay

Subj:     Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S711)
         By Bob Thaves in 2010
 Source: www.gocomics.com/frank-and-ernest/2010/08/31
Subj:     Ty Lies To Get Job
          From: TNKRTEACH in 1997

 A man named Ty Smith found himself laid off from work one
 day.  After going several months without work, he finally
 decided to lie about his work experience, and managed to
 get a job as a cook at an old folks home.  Unfortunately,
 he was such a bad cook that he thought you had to flip a
 pot of water over to get it to boil on both sides.

 The first day on the job, the manager told him to make
 baked brie for lunch.  Barely knowing what brie was, and
 not knowing how to bake it, he took the wheel of brie
 cheese, put it in the oven, turned it on high, and waited.
 What came out of the over was a crispy brown lump of melted
 and burned cheese.

 When the manager saw this, he said to Ty "I thought you
 were a cook, what in blazes happened?".  Ty, almost in
 tears, confessed to being so scared of being out of work
 that he lied to get the job.

 The manager then replied "Ty your yellow fibbin browned
 the old folks brie".

Subj:     The Meaning Of Service (S549c, S848)
          From: gordonschuk in 2007

 At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the
 meaning of the word "service."  "It's the act of doing
 things for other people."  Then I heard these terms which
 reference the word SERVICE:
    Internal Revenue Service,
    Postal Service,
    Telephone Service,
    Civil Service,
    City and County Public Service,
    and Customer Service Stations
 I became really confused about the word "service."  This
 isn't what I thought "service" meant.

 Today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them
 said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.
 BAM!  It all came into perspective.  Now I understand what
 all those "service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you
 are now also enlightened.

Subj:     Potential Strange Names
          From: Scott's Joke Archive in 1997

 If Tuesday Weld married Hal March II would she be known as
 Tuesday March the Second?

 If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader would she be known
 as Ella Vader?

 If Salvatore Dali married Dolly Parton would she be known
 as Dolly Dali?

 Or, if she married Fernando Lamas would she be known as
 the Dolly Lamas?

 If Crystal Gayle married Billy Crystal would she be known
 as Crystal Crystal or Crystal Squared?

 In Allentown, Pa. you can find the corporate headquarters
 of Mack Trucks.  In Bethlehem, Pa. you can find Lehigh
 University, the location of The Stabler Arena - well known
 locally for concerts, shows, etc.  With the current trend
 for corporate sponsorship of ballparks (3-COM Park in S.F.),
 Arenas (The United Center in Chicago), and other large
 public locations is it possible that if Mack Trucks
 sponsored the Stabler Arena the arena would be renamed the
 Mack Arena?

Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S913)
          By Dan Piraro in 2014
Source: www.bizarro.com/comics/july-13-2014/
Subj:     Cute, Short Puns (S356b, S542b)
          From: Imogenelumen in 2003

 (See 'Perfectly Painful Puns' in Word_Joke2
  and 'Punny Thoughts' in Word_Joke-Supp)

 A backward poet writes inverse.

 A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

 Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

 When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

 What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism,
 it's your Count that votes.

 She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

 With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft,
 and I'll show you a flat minor.

 When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

 The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
 Linoleum Blownapart.

 You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

 He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 Every calendar's days are numbered.

 A lot of money is tainted -- it taint yours and it taint mine.

 A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
 small medium at large.

 Those who get too big for their britches
 will be exposed in the end.

 Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

 Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

 When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair,
 she thought she'd dye.

 Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

 Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 A dead writer of classical music decomposes.

 It is better to have loved a short woman than never to
 have loved a tall.

From: RFSlick on 9/1/2005 (S450b)
 Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Subj:     10 Winning Puns (S610c)
          From: hellgunner50 in 2008

 The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest
 level of language development.  Most great puns most
 always are accompanied with a groan.  Here are the top
 10 winners in the International Pun Contest along with
 your opportunity to groan.  The first nine also appear
 at other locations on my joke site.

  1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
     raccoons.  The Stewardess looks at him and says, I'm
     sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns
     to the other and says, 'Dam!'

  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they
     lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly, it sank,
     proving once again that you cannot have your kayak
     and heat it, too.

  4. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I have lost my
     electron.'  The other says, 'Are you sure?'  The first
     replies, 'Yes, I am positive.'

  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
     during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental

  6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
     were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
     tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager
     came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  But
     why they asked, as they moved off.  'Because,' he said,
     'I cannot stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

  7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One
     of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal.
     The other goes to a family in Spain;  they name him
     Juan.  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
     his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she
     tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
     picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, 'They are
     twins!  If you have seen Juan, you have seen Ahmal.'

  8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments,
     so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds.
     Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
     God, a rival florist across town thought the compet-
     ition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close
     down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the
     friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival
     florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
     vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close.  Hugh
     beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he
     would be back if they did not close up shop.  Terrified
     they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
     florist friars.

  9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
     the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses
     on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him
     rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from
     bad breath.  This made him a super calloused fragile
     mystic hexed by halitosis.

 10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten
     different puns to friends, with the hope that at
     least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No
     pun in ten did.

Subj:     10 Paraprosdokians (S1103)
          From: Kathleen Gilmour in 2018
 Source: www.pinterest.com/pin/279293614370424171/

 (See 'Punography' and 'Paraprosdokian' in Word_Joke-Supp)
.Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter
.part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected
.and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
Subj:     Semi-short Jokes
          From: ipkis in 1997

 Once upon a time there was a young entrepreneur named Tates
 who wanted to go into business for himself.  He decided that
 he would mass produce a hiker's compass.

 Being on a limited budget, Tates figured he would be able to
 make more money if he spent most of his budget on advertising
 and only a minimal amount on the compass production.  His
 idea worked--all hikers in the country were buying his
 inexpensive compass.

 After a few months, however, the compasses started to break
 because of the poor quality, which led to the following
 national slogan:  "He who has a Tates is lost."

 In the year 356 BC, Philip of Macedonia and his wife Olympias
 were about to become the proud parents of a baby boy.  It had
 been foretold that the child would grow up to become a famous
 leader and warrior.  The night before the child was born, a
 voice spoke to Philip in a dream.

 "Arise, go out into the streets and seek a most mysterious
 sign.  When you behold evidence that nocturnal birds of prey
 have begun nesting underground in the city's drainage system,
 the name by which your illustrious son will be known for all
 time will be revealed to you."

 Philip awoke, told his wife about the voice and quickly went
 out to seek the sign.  After a short while he returned.

 "Well tell me", said Olympias, "did you see anything?"

 "Yes, owl eggs under the grate!"

 A group of guys used to get together once a week to play
 poker.  Well, one of the guys died; but his ghost continued
 to join in the poker games as before.  On one of these
 evenings, the ghost got five beautiful hearts in his very
 first hand, and he bet his stack.

 Unfortunately, one of the flesh-and-blood players had a
 full house and raked in the pot -- another case where the
 spirit was willing but the flush was weak.

 A man and his wife are on vacation on a remote Caribbean
 island.  The man is lying under a palm tree relaxing in the
 shade when his wife walks over.

 "Honey," she says, "let's go snorkeling now.  There are many
 fascinating sea creatures for us to see."

 To this he replies, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

 A man is fishing by the bank of a river.  As he made a cast
 with his pole his billfold fell out of his pocket and went into
 the water.  He thought that all of his valuables were lost
 forever, but just then to his amazement a fish bounced the
 billfold off his nose to another fish, and after several passes
 back and forth the billfold landed on the ground next to him.

 He was astounded.  He had never before seen Carp to Carp Walleting.

 Two clones were standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, one of
 them cursing wildly.  The other one, tired of hearing all the
 profanity, pushed the cursing one into the Canyon.  The police
 were called and immediately arrested the survivor.  He was
 charged with making and obscene clone fall.

 An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted
 a turtle asleep on a log.  So, he ambled on over and kicked it
 clear across the river.

 "What did you do that for?", asked a passing giraffe.

 "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out
 of my trunk 53 years ago."

 "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

 "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

 A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.  One day the store
 installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.  Intrigued,
 the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine,
 but his request was denied.

 Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

                           -(o o)-
..........................Niagra Falls from Smiley_Central.