Subj: Word Jokes1 - mostly puns
(Includes 59 jokes and articles, 10852n,2,cf,md4,1)
Badger's Animated GIF Gallery
Also see ANIMALS,Other- 'Three
Moles Smell The Air'
ASCII ART I - 'Writing With Characters'
ASIAN file - 'Assyrian King Pawns His Jewels'
......................- 'Mahatma Gandhi'
BAR1 file - 'Acronyms At The Bar'
......................- 'Son Is Born With Just A Head'
BEARS file - 'Two Foreign Scientists Study Grizzlys'
......................- 'Bear Goes To A Bar'
BIRDS file - 'Two Robins Eat Worms'
......................- 'Police Burn Marijuana Crop'
BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'A Rooster, A Cat, And A River'
......................- 'City Boy Buys Two Chickens And A Mule'
BIRDS-DUCKS - 'Duck Word Riddle'
BIRDS-PARROT - 'The Death Of A Parrot'
.........BROTHERS file- 'Naming Twin Sisters'
BUGS_ETC file- 'Ant Story'
......................- 'A Snail And His Car'
CARS2 file - 'An Auto Mechanic And His Dog Mace'
......................- 'Bird Hits Car Winshield'
CHEMISTRY - 'Two Sodium Atoms'
CHRISTMAS1 - 'Christmas Puns'
CHURCH file - 'Painting The Church'
DATING2 file - 'Couple Has Sex In A Van'
DENTIST file - 'Dentist Makes A New Upper Plate'
......................- 'Buddist Has Root Canal'
DIFFERENCES2 - 'She/He Definitions'
DIFFERENCES3 - 'Gender Language Differences'
......................- 'Secrets Of Women's Language'
.........DOCTOR2 file - 'Guy Sees Doctor About His Asshole'
.........DOCTOR-SUPP - 'B.C. Comic Strip'
......................- 'Having Lettuce Sticking Out of Your Ass'
.........DOGS3 file - 'A Puppy Named Life'
......................- 'Three Legged Dog Goes In A Bar'
DWARFS file - 'Snow White Takes Pictures Of Dwarfs'
ENGLISH file - 'ADC 1999 Awards'
......................- (the whole file)
FACTS3 file - 'Creative Trash Cans'
FACTS5 file - 'A Little History From the 1500s'
FAMOUS-PEOPL1- 'Definition Of Globalization'
FAIRYTAILS - 'Good Witch Glenda In Oz'
FAT file - 'You're Fat' - Hippo Photo
......................- 'Two Fat Ladies Exercies And Talk'
FISHING1 file- 'Newfoundland Night Fishing'
......................- 'Fisherman And His Two Sons'
FOURTHofJuly - 'Twins Born On The Fourth Of July'
......................- 'Marco Polo Discovers Fireworks'
FROG file - 'Frogs Of Keefo Swamp'
......................- 'Frog Wants Bank Load'
FUCK file - 'David Letterman - Harrison Ford Tells A Joke' - Movie
GAMES file - 'Chess Players At Hotel'
GOLF3 file - 'Golf Gun Murder'
GRAVEYARD - 'Shoe Comic Strip on Crossword Puzzles'
......................- 'Coffin Attack'
HANDICAPPED - 'The Bishop Needs A Bellringer'
HORSE file - 'Chicken And Horse Get Stuck'
......................- 'Old Man, A Boy And A Donkey'
.........HUNTER-CAMP - 'The Hunter And The Fly'
IRISH2 file - 'Irish Potatoe Marries Idaho Spud'
JEWISH2 file - 'Old Jew Helps Wagon Train'
JOB-SUPP - 'Definition-Mission Statement'
......................- 'Tater People'
.........JOB-STUFF - 'Girl Sells On The Beach'
.........KIDS4 file - 'Woman Gives Up Twins'
.........KIDS5 file - 'Definition of Benign'
.........LAWYER1 file - 'Lawyer And The Czechoslovakian Friend'
LIBRARY file - 'The Pun Reference Library'
LOVE file - 'Two Brooms In Love'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Man Murders His Wife'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Maud's Three Marriages'
MIDDLE EAST - 'US Arrests Iraqi School Teacher'
MOVIES file - 'Mary Poppins Stays At A Hotel'
MOTHERS file - 'Mother's Dictionary'
MUSIC file - 'Beethoven's Ninth'
NATIONAL - 'Number Of Words'
NATINL_ST-SUP- 'How To Pronounce Wisconsin City'
NATIVE file - 'The Golden Throne'
NATIVE-AMERIC- 'The Story Of Onestone'
......................- 'Edison Visits An Indian Reservation'
......................- 'Indian Eats At Posh Restaurant'
......................- 'Native American Souveniers'
.........OTHER-OCCUP - 'The Clock Repairman'
......................- 'Janitor With Rocks'
.........PLANE2 file - 'Two Vulture Fly South'
POLICE2 file - 'Theft At Police Station'
PREACHER - 'Three Boys Discuss Their Dad's Ability To Write'
PRIEST2 file - 'Monks Open A Flower Shop'
PRISON file - 'Inmate Becomes A Carpenter'
PSYCHOLOGY - 'Patient Studied By Two Students'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Cletus And Billy Bob (and a John Deere)
RUSSIAN file - 'A Weather Man Named Rudolf'
SCHOOL-SUPP - 'Neighbor Follows Tim To School'
SEX1 file - 'My Name Is Friday'
SHIT file - 'Interesting Word Origin'
......................- 'Fly Eats Cow Manure'
SHIPS file - 'A Titanic Celebration...'
......................- 'Bad Musician On A Cruse Ship'
STARTREK-SPC - 'Important May 4th Event'
TESTS1 file - 'Intriguing Intelligence Test'
TESTS2 file - 'Vocal Puzzles'
......................- 'A Puzzle'
TRAIN file - 'Train Conductor Learns To Flip Coins'
TREEs file - 'The Bacon Tree'
......................- 'Pheasant Wants To Climb A Tree'
URNAL GRAFFTI- 'The Sink At IBM's Watson Center'
WAITER-SUPP - 'The Ultimate Racial Joke'
WEDDING-SUPP - 'Two Brooms Get Married'
Mad TV Knock Knock Jokes (S653b,d)
From: YouTube.com on 7/11/2009
Photo from YouTube...
Click on the above source, or
for my copy
of Mad TV's Knock Knock Jokes by Jordan Peele and
Subj: Knock, Knock Jokes (S550)
From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 8/01/07
You've probably played "Knock,
Knock" before, but just in
case you haven't, it's a game that goes like this:
"Knock, knock," you say to a friend.
"Who's there?" he replies.
"Gorilla my dreams, I love you."
Your friend will laugh (you hope), if he gets the pun.
And if he knows a good "knock-knock," he'll try it on you.
Before looking at the answers, see how many good "knock-knocks"
you can invent for these five boys' names:
1. Hiawatha 2. Sam 3. Noah 4. Tarzan 5. Chester
And these five girls' names:
1. Carmen 2. Sharon 3. Celia 4. Sarah 5. Minnie
The solution can be found at the source above.
Also see 'Cow Knock Knock' in Cows-Sheep
Subj: The Meaning Of Service (S549c, S848)
From: gordonschuk on 7/21/2007
and From: tom on 4/8/2013
At one time in my life, I thought
I had a handle on the
meaning of the word "service." "It's the act of doing
things for other people." Then I heard these terms which
reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service,
City ? County Public Service,
and Customer Service Stations
I became really confused about the word "service." This
isn't what I thought "service" meant.
Today, I overheard two farmers
talking, and one of them
said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.
BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what
all those "service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you
are now also enlightened.
Subj: Seesaw Tongue Twister (S478c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/10/2006
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
Just because See's saw sawed
Subj: Cute, Short Puns (S356b, S542b)
From: Imogenelumen on 11/20/2003
and From: darrell94590 on 6/5/2007
(See 'Perfectly Painful Puns' in Word_Joke2
and 'Punny Thoughts' in Word_Joke-Supp)
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In a democracy, it's your vote
that counts; in feudalism,
it's your Count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down
a mine shaft,
and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen
in France would result in
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted -- it taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who
escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their
will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first
strands of gray hair,
she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A dead writer of classical music decomposes.
It is better to have loved a
short woman than never to
have loved a tall.
From: RFSlick on 9/1/2005 (S450b)
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Subj: Nun Spends The Night In A Monastery (S225)
From: KMACINTY on 5/24/2001
Lost on a rainy night, a nun
stumbles across a monastery
and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time
for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's
ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank
She is met by two brothers, "Hello,
I'm Brother Michael,
and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you.
I just wanted to thank you
for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best
I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well,
I'm the fish friar." She
turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the Chip Monk
Subj: Gone For Cotton
From: Ossama's Laugh on 6/14/98
A bill collector knocked on the
door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried
again. "Is Fred here
today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone
When he returned the third day
he humphed, "I suppose Fred
is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered
solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being
avoided, the collector
decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery
himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone,
with this inscription: ... "Gone, But Not for Cotton."
Subj: Lone Ranger And Tonto In A Bar (S135)
From: Octagon999 on 98-04-28
and From: KMacinty on 8/27/99
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked
into a bar and sat down to
drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked
in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone
Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone
Ranger and said, "I just thought
you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The
Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was
ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse
water and soon Silver was starting
to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and
said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can
create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe"
and took off running circles around
Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another
cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands
again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye
and says, "Nothing, but you left
your Injun runnin'."
Subj: Ty Lies To Get Job
From: TNKRTEACH 97-04-13
A man named Ty Smith found himself
laid off from work one
day. After going several months without work, he finally
decided to lie about his work experience, and managed to
get a job as a cook at an old folks home. Unfortunately,
he was such a bad cook that he thought you had to flip a
pot of water over to get it to boil on both sides.
The first day on the job, the
manager told him to make
baked brie for lunch. Barely knowing what brie was, and
not knowing how to bake it, he took the wheel of brie
cheese, put it in the oven, turned it on high, and waited.
What came out of the over was a crispy brown lump of melted
and burned cheese.
When the manager saw this, he
said to Ty "I thought you
were a cook, what in blazes happened?". Ty, almost in
tears, confessed to being so scared of being out of work
that he lied to get the job.
The manager then replied "Ty
your yellow fibbin browned
the old folks brie".
Subj: The First Human Clone (S139)
From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
A scientist was successful in
cloning himself. He was asked
to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The
meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York
skyscraper. The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded
to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table.
The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the
advances in the field of modern biology. "My fellow scientists,"
Before he could utter another
word, the clone sprang to his feet
and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur
as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!".
Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My
fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and
yelled, "this dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's
a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed
to the clone, grabbed him, and
threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security
rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest
arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have
to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have
committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone,
not a person.".
The attending scientists nodded
in agreement. "Well," retorted
the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchal-
lenged.". The police chief thought for a moment and ordered
the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..."
Subj: Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S711)
By Bob Thaves
From: WashingtonPost.com on 9/1/2010
Subj: Indian Gets Degree In Electrical Engineering
The chief of a poor American
Indian tribe .. no paved roads,
no electricity, no indoor plumbing .. scrimped and saved
and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The
lad did well, working hard for four years and finally
graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering.
Arriving home after graduation,
the boy was treated to a
welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments.
Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a
call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road
to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack
The next day, the son decided
to put his education to work.
He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction
drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete
with lights for the path leading thereto. It was constructed
and was an immediate success. This chief's son will go down
in history as the first indian to wire a head for a reservation.
Subj: Bookmaker Stays At An Inn
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #165
There is a story about a certain
bookmaker who was making a
long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened upon an
inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven. Since
it was located in the middle of a desolate stretch of
country, and he didn't know how much farther the next place
would be, he decided to stop there for the night, and
satisfy his curiosity about the name at the same time.
"It's very simple, really," the
proprietor explained. "You
see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it
around and call this The Even Steven. I thought if might
get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask questions,
and sometimes it does."
"That's a pretty smart way to
use the luck of a name," said
the bookie appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of
"It hasn't brought me so much
luck," he said. "The folks
who stop here don't stay long. There's not much gaiety
around here, as you could see. In fact, there's not
another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, which-
ever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower.
And worse still for my daughters. Three of the loveliest
girls you ever set eyes on, should have their pick of boy
friends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're
about to do anything for a man."
The bookie made sympathetic noises,
and listened to more
in the same vein until hunger obliged him to change the
subject to that of food. An excellent home-cooked dinner
was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced
herself as Blanche Even; and when he was surfeited she
still kept pressing him to ask for anything else he
Finally, she said, "Would you
like me to sit and talk to
you for a while?"
"Thank you," he said politely,
"but I've had a long day
and I feel like closing the book."
He went to his room and had just
started to undress when
there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breath-
taking brunette came in.
"I'm Carmen Even," she said.
"I just wanted to see if
you'd got everything you want."
"I think so, thank you," he said
pleasantly. "I do a lot
of traveling, so I pack very systematically."
When he had finally convinced
her and got rid of her, he
climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read
himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the door
opened again to admit an utterly stupefying redhead in a
negligee to end all negligees.
"I'm Ginger Even," she announced.
"I wanted to be sure
your bed was comfortable."
"It is," he assured her.
"I hope you're not just being
tactful," she insisted.
"May I try it myself?"
"If you must," said the bookie
primly. "I will get out
while you do it."
When she had gone, he settled
down with a sigh of relief
and was about to put out the light at last when the door
burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped
in, glowing with indignation.
"What's the matter with you,"
he roared. "I got to
listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing,
the most luscious gals in this county, because they all
try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of
'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"
"I'm sorry," said the transient.
"But I told you when
I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. I only lay
Subj: Nate The Snake
From: Bobbyt's Place
Once apon a time, their lived
in a magical land a snake,
named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nate's
house there was a great road, and next to this road was a
lever. The lever was ancient, and the mythology around
the lever was that if you were to push it, it would
trigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering
down the road, and he came upon the lever, and began
crossing the road so he could look at it. At the same
moment, a truck came careening around a corner, and the
driver found himself in a dilema: either hit the snake or
end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over Nate
and went on his merry way. The moral of the story is:
Better Nate than Lever.
Subj: Fat Fly
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-10
There was a fly buzzing around
a barn one day when he
happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact
that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down
and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he
decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He
had eaten too much though, and could not get off the
As he looked around wondering
what to do now, he spotted
a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to
the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once
he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock,
splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never
fly off the handle when
you're full of sh*t.
Subj: World's Longest And Worst Pun Ever
From: Internet Joke Archive
There was this tramp ("bum" in
the U.S.A ?). One cold winter's
morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a
cry for help from a nearby lake. He turned to see a little
girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake.
She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without
a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped
and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her
out withoutbreaking the ice further and he carried her back
to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl
in it and began looking for a car to flag down.
A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven
limo pulled up,
and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor
of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire. "How can I ever
thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughter
into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a
wealthyman." "Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm
a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his
wallet. "Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash
with me, I only have ten dollars, but come home with me and
I'll get more from the safe". "No! No!" says the tramp,
"Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole
life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the
dad "now what will you do
with your money?" "Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not
had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday
(vacation)". "Well good luck" says the father, and he gets
into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp,
"I'm rich! I'm rich!", and
off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday. He finds
a travel agent, walks in much to the disgust of the staff,
and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!".
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the
desk, forcing a smile. "Oh, any holiday I don't mind"
replied the tramp. "Well how much money does sir have to
spend on sir's holiday?" "Oh lots, anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll *never* get a holiday for ten dollars"
says the girl incredulously. "Oh dear" said the tramp, "and
I was so looking forward to a holiday. I'll probably never
get another chance. Isn't there anything you can do?" "Well
I don't think so sir, but I'll check."
The girl goes into the back of
the shop, and searches in the
deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There, to
her amazement, she finds an old file. "Well you'll never
believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've
got you a holiday. Its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-
economy class round the world cruise, and it costs ten
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp,
"I'll take it" The tramp
takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he
heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the
ship is waiting. A few days later he arrives at the port,
and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately
decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has
ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings
his pack over his shoulder,and marches up the gangplank.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate
captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down
onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the
tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I
want on!" Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines
the ticket and admitst that our man the tramp is correct.
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on
just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you.
Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on
then. "So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some
cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep."Psst",
says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's
get you to your cabin "The
tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up
the gangway, and onto the ship. What a ship! The tramp
had *never* in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like
this. First they went down though the first class level:
Oriental carpets with 6" pile. A genuine Rembrahndt on
every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and
the steward brings a newpair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Next comes the second class. Exquisite, but perhaps the
carpets were only 3" deep.and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class,
down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the
crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine
rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship,
against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door
into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table,
and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp,
"A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it" replies
the captain, "but there is one more thing..." "Your class
of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the
ship, at night, when all the other passengers are asleep.
That's why the alarm clock is here. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the
tramp had a whale of a time.
Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night. He loved it.
One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd
ever seen. One morning, a week or so into the cruise,
the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of
the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he
had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto
the board tip, bounced, and dived. What a dive!
Perfectly poised in the air,
he hit the water without so
much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain, who'd
grown rather fond of the poor old tramp, was standing
watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain,
"Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually
dived before" replied the
tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've
never seen ...." He broke off. "Hey, I've an idea", he
started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and
we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay
you, and you can then afford to go firstclass!" "It's a
deal!" says our man. For three weeks the tramp practices
all night. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways
axled dives, you name it - he tried it. One morning the
captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in
your cabin for the next two
days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
After two days passed, the ship
was humming with excitement.
Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and
he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment, and a hushed awe came from the crowd.
The tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than
the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column
"Well tramp" said the captain,
shaking his hand, "Let's see
what you can do." The Captain handed the tramp a walkie
talkie. After smiling to the crowd, the tramp began to
climb....up and up ....up and up...higher and higher ...
below him the ship grew smaller ....up and up ....on and
on ....past a solitary albatross ....and still higher, till
the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...on and on
still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth
itself began to shrink....and higher, ever higher ....on
and on .....past our moon ....and on ....and mars ....and
on.... higher, and higher, through the asteroid belt, and
on and on towards the diving board,... past the outer
planets, until...... finally ...... on the outermost reaches
of the Solar System ...... he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed
the captain he was ready.
Without a fear the tramp jumped ..slowly at first but
speeding up faster, and faster speeding past Pluto and
the other outer planets through the asteroid belt past
Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever
faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the
distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster,
and faster...past the albatross, faster double-back
somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the
distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the
final 500 feet. Down on the ship the crew strained
their necks, "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last
triple flip, and dove...NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE
ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL
DOWN...! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,TILL......
SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in
Desperate for air he struggled
out of the shaft, his
lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping... Out of the water,
up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng
wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY
GOOD SHOW WHAT! Handing him a heated towel the captain
spoke, as a hush fell overthe crowd."Well tramp, I have
*NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*. That was the
most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed. The captain went on "Most amazing
of all, please tell us how you survived smashing through
this boat after you dived. How did you do it?"
The tramp looked at the captain,
and the crowd and
replied modestly, "Well you see......I'm a poor tramp....
so you must understand ....I've been through many a
hardship in my life"
Subj: Potential Strange Names
From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97
If Tuesday Weld married Hal March
II would she be known as
Tuesday March the Second?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth
Vader would she be known
as Ella Vader?
If Salvatore Dali married Dolly
Parton would she be known
as Dolly Dali?
Or, if she married Fernando Lamas
would she be known as
the Dolly Lamas?
If Crystal Gayle married Billy
Crystal would she be known
as Crystal Crystal or Crystal Squared?
In Allentown, Pa. you can find
the corporate headquarters
of Mack Trucks. In Bethlehem, Pa. you can find Lehigh
University, the location of The Stabler Arena - well known
locally for concerts, shows, etc. With the current trend
for corporate sponsorship of ballparks (3-COM Park in S.F.),
Arenas (The United Center in Chicago), and other large
public locations is it possible that if Mack Trucks
sponsored the Stabler Arena the arena would be renamed the
Subj: Getting A Mynah Bird From Lions
From: grs on 97-12-04
A research group was engaged
in a study of longevity in
mammals and had recently focused their attention on a
particular species of porpoise, which they studied from
their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico.
They came to believe that, if fed just the right
combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could,
in theory, live forever.
To put this to the test, they
studied the world's flora
and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would
fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to
an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of
researchers off to gather a specimen.
It turns out that the mynah bird
in question was quite
rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research
team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only
to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very
hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach
and climb the tree.
A suggestion was made that the
lions might be manageable if
they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were
captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions
devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to
digest their meal.
One of the researchers then gingerly
tiptoed past the lions,
climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one
of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and
walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden
appeared and arrested him for (what else)... "Transporting
mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."
Subj: 10 Winning Puns (S610c)
From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008
The ability to make and understand
PUNS is the highest
level of language development. Most great puns most
always are accompanied with a groan. Here are the top
10 winners in the International Pun Contest along with
your opportunity to groan. The first nine also appear
at other locations on my joke site.
1. A vulture boards an airplane,
carrying two dead
raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, I'm
sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Two fish swim into a concrete
wall. The one turns
to the other and says, 'Dam!'
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a
kayak were chilly, so they
lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank,
proving once again that you cannot have your kayak
and heat it, too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I have lost my
electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first
replies, 'Yes, I am positive.'
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist
who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental
6. A group of chess enthusiasts
checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But
why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,
'I cannot stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
7. A woman has twins and gives
them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal.
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They are
twins! If you have seen Juan, you have seen Ahmal.'
8. A group of friars were behind
on their belfry payments,
so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, a rival florist across town thought the compet-
ition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close
down, but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh
beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he
would be back if they did not close up shop. Terrified
they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know,
walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses
on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him
rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And, finally, there was the
person who sent ten
different puns to friends, with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh. No
pun in ten did.
..........................Smiley at the Niagra Falls from Smiley_Central.