Subj:     Word Jokes2 - mostly puns
                 (Includes 54 jokes, 31 1116,6,cf,wYT2a7b,2)
..........L5 Update

..........Click "Here" for Word Jokes-Supp

Mike Shaikun's Animation
Includes the following:  Punography - Photo (S986 in Supp)
.........................A Lexophile Loves Words (S951 in Supp)
.........................10 Graphic Puns (S848 in Supp)
.........................Raising Rabbits In Paris (S744 in Supp)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S810 in Supp)
.........................Punny Thoughts (S812 in Supp)
.........................Paraprosdokian Sentences (S1021 in Supp)
.........................Buffalo's Son Goes To College (S1009 in Supp)
.........................Hills Have A Car Accident In Transylvania (S298b in Supp)
.........................Tugboat Vs Tubgoat - Photo (S1111)
.........................Mother Goose And Grimm Sunday Comic Strip (S661b)
.........................A Few Tom Swifties (S537b)
.........................A Mime In The Park (S653)
.........................Derivation of Expressons (S210, DU)
.........................Word Puzzle - Sign (S1071)
.........................Humorous Definitions (S207, DU)
.........................Chevy Nova Awards (S163, DU)
.........................Old Words With New Meanings (S161, DU)
.........................Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip (S1057)
.........................Potatoes (S158, S765)
.........................Word Change Contest (S150, DU)
.........................Husband Pays To Have Wife Killed (S126b, S636c)
.........................Every Time You Make A Typo - Button (S882)
.........................Ghandi Pun (S100)
.........................Do You Recognize These Adages? (S99)
.........................Doctor's Word Riddle (DU)
.........................Riddle (DU)
                         Short 'Word' Jokes
..............................Pearls Before Swine II (S899 in Supp)
..............................Bizarro Cartoon (S1116 in Supp)
..............................Pearls Before Swine (S809 in Supp)
..............................Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S702b)
..............................Googlism (S362)
..............................Daily Words Used By Men And Women (S355)
..............................The Definition of 'Normal' (S329)
..............................Three Words Ending in "gry" (S238)
..............................Renting A House (S134)
..............................Famous Last Words (S130, S624)
..............................Perfectly Painful Puns (S216)
..............................Two Eskimos
..............................Microsoft 'Word' Oddities I
..............................Microsoft 'Word' Oddities II
..............................Two Weevils Grew Up (S216)
..............................Number Of Words (S183)

Subj:     Tugboat Vs Tubgoat (S1111)
          From: Jim Simonsen in 2018
 Source: www.pictame.com/tag/tubgoat
Subj:     Mother Goose And Grimm 
.............Sunday Comic Strip
          By Mike Peters in 2009 (S661b)
Drawing from
Mother Goose and Grim Comics Page
 Source: www.grimmy.com/comics.php

 Click 'HERE' to read this cute Sunday comic strip.

Subj:     A Few Tom Swifties (S537b)
          From: edapsmas in 2007

 "I think I'll get engaged", Tom proposed marryly.

 "That's my favorite song", Tom said off the record.

 "I'll have to make another pastry", Tom retorted.

 "I love mathematics!!", Tom added.

 "Look it's Free Willy!!", Tom wailed out.

 "I dropped my toothpaste", Tom said crestfallen.

 "I just got a pacemaker", Tom said half-heartedly.

 "I couldn't perform!" Tom said limply.

 "I'm not sure if I'm a homosexual", said Tom, half in Ernest.

 From: Rich Canty

 "Oh, No!  It's June 1st already," said Tom, dismayed.

 "I'll be wearing my sheet to the cross-burning tonight,"
 whispered Tom, clandestinely.

 "So much to do, and I don't know where to start," said
 Tom, listlessly.

 "Do we know what kind of cigarette this is?" asked
 Tom, dubiously.

 "Some drivers need to be shown the bird," said Tom,

 "I want you to back up this boat right now," said
 Tom, sternly.

 "That's it.  I'm getting a boob job tomorrow!" she
 said, flatly.

 "I just read that obesity causes flatulence," said
 Tom, flabbergasted.

 "How did I get so wet?" wondered Tom, mystified.

 "Wow, your feet are really flat," said Tom, archly.
 "And your skin is so rough," he added, callously.

From: BoysLife.org on 4/6/2009 (S639b)
 "I like camping," Tom said intently.

Subj:     A Mime In The Park (S653)
          From: LABLaughsClean in 2009

 I often go to the park to read my paper on nice days.
 The urban park that I favor attracts a number of street
 performers.  One of these, a Mime attracted my attention.
 Every day he went through exactly the same routine. It
 didn't matter who was watching or how the audience
 reacted, nothing could make this guy vary his motions
 or break character.  Finally my curiosity got the better
 of me.

 I waited until he was leaving that night to approach him
 and ask why he repeated the same routine over and over.
 Nothing, he wouldn't break character or talk to me as he
 walked out of the park and climbed into a car a lady was
 driving.  Finally, several weeks later I arrived at the
 park early.  Just as I arrived I spotted the Mime kissing
 his girl friend as he climbed out of the car.  In desperation
 I ran over to the lady's car before she could pull out
 and asked her why her friend repeated the same routine over
 and over.

 She listened to my question and sadly shook her head. "I'm
 sorry, but I'm afraid that I've just got a one track Mime."

Subj:     Derivation of Expressons (S210, DU)
          From: RFSlick in 2001

 1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
 frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress
 tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.  That's
 where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.

 2. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy
 dog." Uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by
 Western Union to test telex/twx communications.)

 3. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an
 inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed
 to take into account the weight of all the books that would
 occupy the building.

 4. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter
 pilots in the Pacific.  When arming their airplanes on the
 ground, the ..50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured
 exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage.
 If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got
 "the whole 9 yards."

 5. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
 English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife
 with anything wider than your thumb.

 6. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the
 army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP.

 7. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave
 It To Beaver."

 8. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
 ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father
 would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
 drink.  Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar
 was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month"
 or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

 9. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.
 So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender
 would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and
 settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's
 and Q's."

 10. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a
 whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.
 When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get
 some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired
 by this practice.

Subj:     Word Puzzle (S1071)
          From: Larry Lemas in 2017
 Source: www.braindare.com/puzzle/13047
Subj:     Humorous Definitions (S207, DU)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com in 2001

 (See 'New Definitions For Old Words'
  and 'New Words For 2001'
  and 'New Words For 2002'
  and 'Definitions for The New Year!' in ENGLISH)

 ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and
        is now  growing in the middle.
 BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
 CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
 CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born
           and after they are dead.
 COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
            (See 'Definition Of A Committee' in JOB-STUFF-SUPP)
 DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
 EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
 GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth
         will do more damage.
 HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
 INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
 RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
 SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
 TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
 TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
 YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
 WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Subj:     Chevy Nova Awards (S163, DU)
          From: JCary in 2000

 These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award.  This is
 given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market
 this car in Central and South America.  "No va" means, of
 course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

 1.  The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign
 "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.
 It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation
 read "Are you lactating?"

 2.  Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where
 it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

 3.  Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
 following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an

 4.  Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into
 Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
 Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

 5.  When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they
 used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby
 on the label.  Later they learned that in Africa, companies
 routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since
 many people can't read.

 6.  Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the
 name of a notorious porno magazine.

 7.  An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
 Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit.  Instead of "I
 saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato"
 (la papa).

 8.  Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated
 into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back >From the Grave" in

 9.  The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",
 meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
 wax", depending on the dialect.  Coke then researched 40,000
 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole",
 translating into "happiness in the mouth"

 10.  Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to
 make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes
 an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

 11.  When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its
 ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket
 and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar"
 (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't
 leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

 12.  When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather
 first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly
 In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela
 en cuero) in Spanish!

Subj:     Old Words With New Meanings (S161, DU)
          From: smiles in 2000

 Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's
    to work at McDonald's

 Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do

 Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

 Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage

 Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

 Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate

 Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ :  Workers who put together
    kitchen cabinets

 Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living

 Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist

 Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does

 Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag
    was full of loot

 Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots

 Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians

 Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the
    top of the EiffelTower

 Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm

 Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with

 Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in
    front of the TV

 Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring

 Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood
    store does

 Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on
    one of those, like, submarines, man

 Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a
    government official

Subj:     Pearls Before Swine (S1057)
          By Stephan Pastis in 2017
 Source: www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2017/04/17
Subj:     Potatoes (S158, S765)
          From: virv in 2011

 (Also see 'Irish Potatoe Marries Idaho Spud' in Irish2)

 You know that all potatoes have eyes.  Well, Mr. and Mrs.
 Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married
 and had a little one a real SWEET POTATO whom they called
 "YAM."  They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her
 all about the facts of life.  They warned her about going
 out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed,
 get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch
 of Tater Tots.

 She said not to worry -- no Mr. McSpud would get her in the
 sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her!  But she couldn't
 stay home and become a Couch Potato either.  She would get
 plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her
 Shoestring cousins.

 Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe
 and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and
 even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
 They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going
 out west because she could get scalloped.

 She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and
 wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the
 ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their
 trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito-Lay.

 Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to
 "Idaho U." - that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes
 come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.
 But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Tom
 Brokaw.  Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she could
 not marry him because he's just a ... COMMON TATER !

Subj:     Word Change Contest (S150, DU)
          From: KMacinty in 1999

 The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take
 any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
 or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are
 some recent winners.

  1) Reintarnation:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

  2) Foreploy:  Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
                purpose of getting laid.

  3) Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

  4) Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
                and the person who doesn't get it.

  5) Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously when you are
                  running late.

  6) Hipatitis:  Terminal coolness.

  7) Osteopornosis:  A degenerate disease.

  8) Karmageddon:  It's like, when everybody is sending off all
                   these really bad vibes, right?  And then,
                   like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
                   serious bummer.

  9) Glibido:  All talk and no action.

 10) Dopeler effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
                      smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 11) Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
                    lasts until you realize it was your money
                    to start with.

 12) Ignoranus:  A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Subj:     Husband Pays To Have Wife Killed (S126b, S636c)
          From: RFSlick in 1999

 Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage,
 a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a
 large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the bene-
 ficiary), and arranging to have her killed.

 A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious under-
 world figure, who went by the name of  Artie".  Artie explained
 to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse
 was $5,000.  The husband said he was willing to pay that amount,
 but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect
 his wife's insurance money.

 Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front.  The man opened
 up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
 inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to
 accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

 A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
 Safeway grocery store.  There, he surprised her in the produce
 department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
 As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped
 to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled
 unexpectedly onto the scene.

 Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice
 but to strangle the produce manager as well.  Unknown to Artie,
 the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and
 observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called
 the police.

 Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

 Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed
 the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the
 hapless husband.

 And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline

 (You're going to hate me for this)



Subj:     Every Time You Make A Typo - Button (S882)
          From: GeorgeHTakei on Facebook in 2013
 Source: (Removed from Zazzle.com)
Subj:     Ghandi Pun (S100)
          From: Anaise on 98-12-29

 (Also see 'Mahatma Gandhi' in ASIA)

 Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his
 feet became quite thick and hard.  Even when he wasn't on
 a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin
 and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person.  Further-
 more, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.


 (wait for it, I feel a pun coming on)


 He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued
 with halitosis.

Subj:     Do You Recognize These Adages? (S99)
          From: auntieg on 98-12-15

 Do you recognize these well known adages?

  1. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not
     truly auriferous.


   ANS:   All that Glitters is not Gold.

  2. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.


   ANS:   Beggars cannot be choosers.

  3. Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.


   ANS:   Dead men tell no tales.

  4. Neophite's serendipity.


   ANS:   Beginner's luck

  5. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no
     congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.


   ANS:   A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

  6. Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices
     would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrious


   ANS:   Those who live Glass Houses should cast no stones.

  7. Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend
     to congregate.


   ANS:   Birds of a feather flock together.

  8. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.


   ANS:   Beauty is only skin-deep.

  9. Freedom from incrustations of crime is contiguous to


   ANS:   Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

 10. It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately
     departed lacteal fluid.


   ANS:   Don't cry over Spilt Milk.

 11. Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in
     ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.


   ANS:   Where there is smoke, there will be fire.

 12. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.


   ANS:   Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child.

 13. The stylus is more potent than the rapier.


   ANS: The Pen is Mightier than the Sword.

 14. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a
     superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.


   ANS:   You cant teach an Old Dog new Tricks.

 15. Surveillance should precede saltation.


   ANS:   Look before you leap.

 16. Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.
     (not a proverb)


   ANS:   Twinkle twinkle little star

 17. The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation
     possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.


   ANS:   One who laughs the last, laughs the best.

 18. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without
     interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a
     hebetudinous fellow.


   ANS:   All work and No Play makes Jack (?) a Dull boy.

Subj:     Doctor's Word Riddle (DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/23/2003

 What's so peculiar about this sentence?

 I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly
 perplexing handwriting; nevertheless, extraordinary
 pharmaceutical intellectuality, counterbalancing
 indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications'
 Scroll down for the answer
 Here it comes

 Each word in the sentence is "one letter longer"
 than the word before it!

Subj:     Riddle (DU)
          From: abey in 1998

!    ^^       !I look for myself    !"Every artist is a cannibal! This box !
!    OO__     !I don't know who am I!Every poet is a thief      ! has been !
!   /  , \    !When I find me       !All kill their inspiration ! intenti- !
!  /  __\/....!This riddle is a lie !And sing about the grief"  !  onally  !
!_/  /........!.....................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   left   !
!   /.........!Who am I?............!.......Abraham Grief       !  blank.  !
!  /  dinosaur!                     !......abey@cs.ucr.edu      !!!!!!!!!!!!

Subj:     Short 'Word' Jokes

Subj:     Shoe Sunday Comic Strip
          By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins
          in 2010 (S702b)
 Source: www.gocomics.com/shoe/2010/06/27
 Click 'HERE' to see this cute Sunday comic strip.

Subj:     Googlism (S362)
          From: igiggle in 2003
 This is amazing.  Find out what Google thinks about you
 (or anything else).  Go to www.googlism.com

Subj:     Daily Words Used By Men And Women (S355)
          From: DoctorDebt in 2003
 A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
 women use a day..... 30,000 to a man's 15,000 words.  The
 wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to
 say everything twice."  The husband then turned to his
 wife and asked, "What?"

Subj:     The Definition of 'Normal' (S329)
          From: joke-of-the-day.com in 2003
 Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work
 and driving through traffic in a car that you are still
 paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay
 for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant
 all day so you can afford to live in it.  -- Ellen Goodman

Subj:     Three Words Ending in "gry" (S238)
          From: mombear1 in 2001
 There are three words in the english language that end in

 ONE is angry and the other is hungry.  EveryONE knows what
 the third ONE means and what it stands for.  EveryONE uses
 them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've
 given you the third word.

 What is it? __________gry?

 Gayle Heckman sent me a great 'Word Puzzle' reference at
 http://www.puzzlers.org/puzlinks.htm.  I found the answer
 with in two minutes to the above puzzle.

 I went to
 A Collection of Word Oddities and Trivia at

 I went to Part 1 at

 ANHUNGRY is one answer to the question, "What's the other
 word besides  'angry' and 'hungry' that ends in 'gry'?"
 This is the most frequently asked  question of the editors
 of Merriam-Webster. Actually, "angry" and "hungry" are the
 only two words in common use ending in -gry, but quite a
 few obsolete or obscure words can be found in unabridged
 dictionaries. Among them are ANHUNGRY, used by Shakespeare.

Subj:     Renting A House (S134)
          From: smiles in 1999
   All afternoon a real estate agent had been showing a young
 couple empty houses. The ones they loathed always seemed to
 be available, but others had snapped up the ones that struck
 their fancy invariable.  Finally they came to a house at the
 very edge of town and fell in love with it.
   "Please," they begged, "tell us that this one we can have."
   "It's yours," beamed the agent. ... "It's last but not leased!"

Subj:     Famous Last Words (S130, S624)
          From: PGSP4LIFE in 1999
 * This will be a short meeting.
 * You can put it together yourself in five minutes.
 * One slice of pizza won't blow my diet.
 * You'll housebreak him in no time at all.
 * They'll feel terrific once you break them in.
 * Of course bring the kids!
 * Believe me, NOBODY'S dressing up!

Subj:     Perfectly Painful Puns (S216)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-23
 (See 'Cute, Short Puns' in Word_Jokes1
  and 'Punny Thoughts' in Word_Joke-Supp)

 l. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a
    kitchen in France?  Linoleum blownapart.

 2. A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
    It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

 3. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?  Litre Vino.

 4. A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease.
    The doctor says, "Try a milk bath."  So the guy goes to
    the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs
    enough milk to take a bath.  The dairy guy asks, "You
    want that pasteurized? "Nah," the man replies, "Up to
    my chin should do it."

 5. What's the difference between an angry circus owner and
    a Roman barber?  One is a raving showman, and the other
    is a shaving Roman.

 6. In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could
    eat enything they wanted during the lunch hour.  Any-
    thing, that is, except the smoked salmon.  Thus were
    created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

 7. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that
    collided?  Both crews were marooned.

 8. Why did the maharishi refuse novocaine when he had his
    teeth pulled?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 9. Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who
    opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?  One was the
    fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

Subj:     Two Eskimos (S610c)
          From: TNKRTEACH in 1997
 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they
 lit a fire in the boat it sank -- proving once and
 for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Subj:     Microsoft 'Word' Oddities I (S33)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive in 1997
 (See 'World Trade Center And Word' in NEW_YORKER)
 Apparently, someone at Microsoft has a sense of humor...
 If you run Microsoft Word 6.0 or 7.0, type "zzzz" in a
 document.  Run the spell checker.  You will be surprised
 at the suggestion that the dictionary provides as the
 correct spelling. It does not work for "zzz" or "zzzzz".

Subj:     Microsoft 'Word' Oddities II (S82)
          From: RFSlick in 1998
 1. Open a new document in Word
 2. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes)
 3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
 4. Hit shift-F7 for the thesaurus


 What is the longest word typed by only one hand?
 "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with
  only the left hand.

 How many English words end in "-dous?"
 There are only four words in the English language which end in
    "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

 What is the only English word to end in "mt."
 "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

 What is the longest one-syllable word in the English language?
 The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

 I feel like a pair of curtains!
 Pull yourself together man!

 I've got a billiard ball stuck up my arse!
 Get on the end of the queue!

 Everyone keeps ignoring me!
 Next please!

 I feel like a pack of playing cards!
 Go over there I'll deal with you later!

From: Bobbyt's Place
 A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and
 the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and
 smashes the baby and says "ketchup"  -- Pulp Fiction

 "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
 "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."  --  Howard Burgess

 How do you catch a unique rabbit? U Neaq up on it.
 How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, you neaq up on it.
  --  Jim Molinari and Sammy

 If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?
 BEAUTY is in the eye of the bee - holder.  --  Meredith and John

 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear)
 What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
 Still no idea.  --  James Turner

From: TNKRTEACH in 1997
 When she told me I was average she was just being mean.

From: auntieg in 1997
 Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing
 several paintings from the Louvre.  However, after planning
 the crime, getting in and out past security, he was
 captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of
 gas.  When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and
 Then make such an obvious error, he replied:

 "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

From: auntieg in 1998
 After reading this you are entitled to render a loud OY!
 Unless you are like the dyslexic Rabbi who ran around
 town hollering YO!

Subj:     Two Weevils Grew Up (S216)
          From: CHRISDADDYG in 2001
 (Also see 'Two Weevils Grew Up' in BUGS, SPIDETS, ETC)
 Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
 Hollywood and became a famous actor.  The other stayed
 behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
 The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
 two weevils.

Subj:     Number Of Words (S183)
          From: RFSlick in 2000
 Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
 The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
 Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
 The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
 The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.
 The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
 The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:
    26,911 words.

 This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast
 while in his home town for the holidays.  After looking
 over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict."
 His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge
 fancy chrome plate.  He asks the waiter, "What's with the
 fancy plate?"  The waiter replies, "There's no plate like
 chrome for the hollandaise!"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #99 in 1998
 I have seven letters. The first two stand for a boy. The
 first three stand for a girl.  The first four stand for
 a brave boy.  But all of my letters stand for a brave
 girl. What word am I?       Answer backwards: enioreH

 Men can read smaller print than women;
 women can hear better.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 in 1998 (S216)
 A good pun is its own reword.

From: smiles in 1999
 Webster's dictionary editors met to decide how to abridge
 the new edition.  "We are listing too many old words that
 no one uses any more, they've gotta go," Said the chief
 editor. "It's time we faced the fact that .... we can't
 have archaic and edit too."

From: CHRISDADDYG in 2001 (S216)
 And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to
 friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
 make them laugh.  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

From: LABLaughs in 2003 (S334b)
 A definition is the enclosing a wilderness of idea within
 a wall of words.  -- Samuel Butler (1835 - 1902)

                           -(o o)-
..........................TV falls from GIFs Rubrik.