Subj:     Christmas2 Jokes (Gz)
                 (Includes 11 jokes and articles)

Puppy & Hat
from
PageWorks
Includes the following:  The Twelve Days, History And Music (S463)
.........................The Twelve Days Of Christmas
.........................The Twelve Days Of Christmas (2ed vers.)
.........................Twelve Days of Suffering! (S254b)
.........................The Twelve Pains Of Christmas (DS)
.........................Christmas Party Planning
.........................Planning The Office Party
.........................Office Christmas Party
.........................How To Tell A Democrat From A Republican (S48)
.........................This Will Keep You Cool! (S87)
.........................12 Days Of Christmas - GIF (S465)

============================================================Top
Subj:     The Twelve Days, History And Music (S463)
          From: igiggle
          on 12/3/2005		 Partridge from
Central Valley Christian
 Source: http://www.cvc.org/christmas/12days.htm

 You can listen to the music and read the history of the song
 "The Twelve Days of Christmas" on the source above.  It is
 interesting and well done.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The Twelve Days Of Christmas
          From: Bob Tompkins in 1996

     On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
     Twelve Drummers Drumming

                       .-}        .-}        .-}
                       |_|        |_|        |_|
                       (_)        (_)  __    (_) .---.
                       | \ .--.   | \.'  '.  | \/     \
                       |\_|--o )  |\_|--o  ; |\_|--o   |
                       |:| '--'   |:|'.__.'  |:|\     /
                       |:|        |:|        |:| `---`
                       |:|_       |:|_       |:|_
                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

             .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.
             |M|   |E|   |R|   |R|   |Y|   |X|   |M|   |A|   |S|
             (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)   (_)
            /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\
            [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX]
             |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||
             |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||
            _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
           ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 
 

     Eleven Pipers Piping
         _     _     _     _     _     _     _     _     _     _     _
       ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)  ,/_)
        (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")   (")
        /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\   /I\
       (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\)
        |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||
        |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||   |||
       _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
 

     Ten Lords A-Leaping

                                   w              w
                    w              0__           \0__
                   \0__     w     /|_     w      /_
                   /_     __0/  '\/ /    \0_  '\/ /    w
                '\/ /      /_       `    /_       `  __0/
                    `   `\/  \,         _\ \,         /_
                     w                 `           `\/  \,
                    \0__      w                 w
                    /_        0__       w      \0__
                   _\ \,     /|_      __0/      |_
                  `        `\/  \,     /_      _\ \,
                                    `\/ /,    `
 
 

     Nine Ladies Dancing

                                                            |~
                          ()                       ()      0` |~
                  ()    _/)(\_           ()      _/)(\_      0`
                _/)(\_   /^^\    ()    _/)(\_     /""\
                /~~\   /____\ _/)(\_   /``\     /____\
                /____\          /""\   /____\   ()
                        ()     /____\         _/)(\_      ()
              |~      _/)(\_           ()      /^^\     _/)(\_
             0` |~     /``\          _/)(\_   /____\     /~~\
               0`     /____\          /~~\              /____\
                                     /____\
 
 

     Eight Maids A-Milking
 

               __.----.       __.----.        __.----.        __.----.___
     (\(__)/)-'     (\(__)/)-'      (\(__)/)-'      (\(__)/)-'        ;--`
      `(uu)'      _  `(dd)'       _  `(gg)'       _  `(vv)'       _   |
       )  (      (|)  )  (       (|)  )  (       (|)  )  (       (|)  |
      (o  o)     8~8 (o  o)      8~8 (o  o)      8~8 (o  o)      8~8 ,/
       `--'\_    (__).`--'\_    (__).'`--'\_    (__).'`--'\_    _(__)|
            `|||~~/\||     `|||~~/\||      `|||~~/\||      `||~|| /\||
      ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
               __.----.       __.----.        __.----.       __.----.___
     (\(__)/)-'      (\(__)/)-'     (\(__)/)-'     (\(__)/)-'        ;--`
      `(99)'       _  `(66)'      _  `(aa)'      _  `(ee)'        _  |
       )  (       (|)  )  (      (|)  )  (      (|)  )  (        (|) |
      (o  o)      8~8 (o  o)     8~8 (o  o)     8~8 (o  o)       8~8,/
       `--'\_    (__).'`--'\_    (__).`--'\_    (__).`--'\_    _(__)|
            `|||~~/\||      `|||~~/\||     `|||~~/\||     `||~|| /\||
      ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
 
 

     Seven swans A-Swimming

            ___     ___     ___     ___     ___     ___     ___
           /,_ \   /,_ \   /,_ \   /,_ \   /,_ \   /,_ \   /,_ \    _,
           |/ )/   |/ )/   |/ )/   |/ )/   |/ )/   |/ )/   |/ )/   / |
             //  _/ |//  _/  //  _/  //  _/  //  _/  //  _/  //  _/  |
            / (_/   / (_/   / (_/   / (_/   / (_/   / (_/   / (_/   _)
           /   `   /   `   /   `   /   `   /   `   /   `   /   `   _/)
           \  ~=-  \  ~=-  \  ~=-  \  ~=-  \  ~=-  \  ~=-  \  ~=-   /
       ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
 
 

     Six Geese A-Laying
         __         __         __         __         __         __
       (' )      (' )      (' )      (' )      (' )      (' )
         )/   ,     )/   ,     )/   ,     )/   ,     )/   ,     )/   ,
        /(____/\   /(____/\   /(____/\   /(____/\   /(____/\   /(____/\
       /        ) /        ) /        ) /        ) /        ) /        )
       \ `  =~~/  \ `  =~~/  \ `  =~~/  \ `  =~~/  \ `  =~~/  \ `  =~~/
        `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __
           ~~' (__)   ~~' (__)   ~~' (__)   ~~' (__)   ~~' (__)   ~~'(__)
 
 

     Five Golden Rings

                         .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.   .-.
                        ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_))
                         '-'   '-'   '-'   '-'   '-'
 
 

     Four Calling Birds

                      ___       ___       ___       ___
                     ('v')     ('v')     ('v')     ('v')
                    ((   ))   ((   ))   ((   ))   ((   ))
                  -/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"--
 
 

     Three French Hens

                         (\  }\   (\  }\   (\  }\
                        (  \_(' (  \_(' (  \_('
                        (__(=_)  (__(=_)  (__(=_)
                           -"=      -"=      -"=
 

     Two Turtle Doves
                                _      _
                               <')_,/ <') ,/
                               (_==/  (_==/
                                ='-    ='-
 
 

     And a Partridge in a Pear Tree
                                 _
                                ('
                                /))@@@@@
                               /@"@@@@@()@
                              @@()@@()@@@@
                              @@@O@@@@()@@@
                              @()@@\@@@()@@
                               @()@||@@@@@
                                 @@||@@@
                                   ||
                           ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
              Happy Days one and all, thanks for a fun year !
 

     SEASONS GREETINGS                              _...._
                           \  _  /                .::o:::::.
                            (\o/)                .:::'''':o:.
                        ---  / \  ---            :o:_    _:::
                             *<                 `:}_()<_{:'
                            0<@<             @    `'//\\'`    @
                           @<<*          @ #     //  \\     # @
                          @*<0<<<       __#_#____/'____'\____#_#_
                         *@<<<@<<     [_________________________]
                        @0<<<*<<@<     |=_- .-/\ /\ /\ /\--. =_-|
                       *0<<@<<<@<<<    |-_= | \ \\ \\ \\ \ |-_=-|
                      @*<<@<*<<0<*<   |_=-=| / // // // / |_=-_|
        \*/          0*<<@<0<<*<@<<  |=_- |`-'`-'`-'`-'  |=_=-|
     __\\U//___     *@<0<<*@<*<0<< | =_-| o          o |_==_|
     \\ | | \\|    @0<*<<0@<<0<<<*<@<|=_- | !     (    ! |=-_=|
      \\| | _(UU)_ ((*))_0<*<0<@<<<0<*<-,-=| !    ).    ! |-_-=|
     \ \| || / //||.*.*.*.|@<<*<<@<0<<<((=_| ! __(:')__ ! |=_==|

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The Twelve Days Of Christmas (2ed vers.)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-19

 Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 14, 1994

 Dearest John:
 I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge
 in a pear tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift and such a
 lovely surprise!
                              With deepest love and devotion,
                              Agnes
 -----------------

                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 15, 1994

 Dearest John:
 Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine
 two turtle doves.  I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful
 gift.  They are just adorable.

                              All my love,
                              Agnes
 -----------------

                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 16, 1994

 Dearest John:
 Oh aren't you the extravagant one!  I really must protest.
 I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French hens.  They are
 adorable but I must insist - please, you've been much too kind.

                              Love,
                              Agnes
 -----------------

                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 17, 1994

 Dear John,
 Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now really,
 they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough.
 You're being too romantic.

                              Affectionately,
                              Agnes
 -----------------

                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 18, 1994

 Dearest John:
 What a wonderful surprise.  Today the postman delivered 5
 golden rings.  One for every finger.  You're impossible
 but I love it!  Frankly, all those birds were beginning to
 get on my nerves.

                              All my love,
                              Anges
 -----------------
                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 19, 1994

 Dear John:
 When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying
 on my front steps.  So, you're back to the birds again, huh?
 Those geese are huge!  Where will I ever keep them?  The
 neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the
 racket.

 Please stop.

                              Cordially,
                              Agnes
 -----------------

                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 20, 1994

 John:
 What is it with you and these frigging birds?!!  Seven
 Swans-a-Swimming?!!  Are you kidding?!  What kind of sick
 joke is this?  There's bird poop all over the house and
 the incessant honking is driving me nuts.  I can't sleep
 at night - I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny, so stop
 with the crummy birds.

                              Sincerely,
                              Agnes
 -----------------

                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 21, 1994

 O.K. Buster:
 I think I prefer the birds - what the heck am I going to do
 with 8 maids-a-milking?!  It's not enough that the good for
 nothing postman delivered 8 maids to join those miserable
 birds, but he brought their cows as well!  There is manure
 all over my house and I can't take a safe step any more!
 I have a splitting headache, thank you very much.

                              Just lay off me smart guy,
                              Agnes
 p.s. I hocked the rings to buy bird food and hay.
 -----------------

                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 22, 1994

 You Mullethead!!
 What are you some kind of sadist?  That rotten postman
 delivered 9 pipers playing, and I do mean playing - they
 have been playing around with the maids since they arrived.
 The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
 those screeching birds!!!  What am I going to do?  The
 neighbors are talking eviction.  I'm sicking the police on
 you.
                              You'll get yours,
                              Agnes

 -----------------
                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 23, 1994

 You Rotten Jerk,
 Yes I received your latest gift delivered by your partner
 in this devious plot - the postman.  Ten ladies dancing -
 Hah Hah, ver-r-r-y funny.  I don't know why I call those
 tramps ladies - they've been mauling the pipers all night
 long.  My livingroom is a lake of manure and bird crap.
 The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give
 cause why this building shouldn't be condemned.

 I'm sicking the police on you.

                              One who means it.
 -----------------

                              Miss Agnes McHolstein
                              69 Cash Avenue
                              Beaver Valley, Colorado

                              December 24, 1994

 Listen Meathead,
 Oh yes- that postman- that devil in postal uniform-
 delivered the eleven loards-a-leaping-- you sicko.  And
 they have been leaping- yes sir.  On the maids, the
 ladies, on anything that moves!!  They ran through the
 maids and ladies and then went on to roping the cows!!!
 All 23 birds are dead.  They were trampled to death
 during the rodeo.  I hope you're happy you rotten vicious
 swine.  I'm working on a revenge for you and your delivery
 buddy.

                              Your sworn enemy,
                              Agnes
 -----------------

                              Law Offices
                              Badger, Bender and Cahole
                              303 Knave Street
                              Chicago, Illinois

                              December 25, 1994

 Dear Sir:
 This is to acknowledge the receipt of your gift of 12
 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on
 our client, Miss Agnes McWholestein.  The destruction, of
 course, was complete.  The postman is slowly recovering
 from the unfortunate attack he received at the hands of
 Miss McWholestein upon receipt of the fiddlers, although
 he remains terrified of Christmas deliveries.  All further
 correspondence should come to our attention.  Should you
 attempt to contact Miss McWholestein at Spring Shadows
 Glen Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot
 you on site.

                              Cordially,
                              Badger, Bender and Cahole

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Twelve Days of Suffering! (S254b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/12/2001

 Extracted this from the comics a few years ago.  It came
 from the strip, "Baby Blues".  I hope you like it.

 On the twelfth day of Christmas my children gave to me
 twelve plumbers plumbing
 eleven diaper wipings
 ten Fords a-beeping
 nine songs they can't sing
 eight ways of belching
 seven tons of washing
 six teeth decaying
 five dozen Screams
 four appalling words
 three drenched friends
 two snotty gloves
 and a cartridge in a fir tree.

 Until later,
 Lee

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The Twelve Pains Of Christmas (DS)
          From: DafterLafter on 12/6/2004

 The first thing at Christmas,
 That's such a pain to me:
 Is finding a Christmas tree.

 The second thing at Christmas,
 That's such a pain to me:
 Rigging up the lights.
 And finding a Christmas tree.

 The third thing at Christmas
 That's such a pain to me:
 Hangovers.
 Rigging up the lights.
 And finding a Christmas tree.

 The fourth thing at Christmas,
 That's such a pain to me:
 Sending Christmas cards.
 Hangovers.
 Rigging up the lights.
 And finding a Christmas tree.

 The fifth thing at Christmas
 That's such a pain to me:
 Five month of bills!
 Sending Christmas cards.
 Hangovers.
 Rigging up the lights.
 And finding a Christmas tree.

 The sixth thing at Christmas
 That's such a pain to me:
 Facing my in-laws.
 Five months of bills.
 Oh, I hate those Christmas cards.
 Hangovers.
 Rigging up these lights.
 And finding a Christmas tree.

 The seventh thing a Christmas,
 That's such a pain to me:
 The Salvation Army.
 Facing my in-laws.
 Five months of bills!
 Sending Christmas cards.
 Ohhh geeez.
 I'm tryin to rig up these lights!
 And finding a Christmas tree.

 The eighth thing at Christmas,
 That's such a pain to me:
 I want a transformer for Christmas.
 Charities, and what do you mean YOUR in-laws?!
 Five months of bills.
 Ughh, makin' up these cards.
 oh, Edith get me a beer huh?
 What we have no extension cords?!
 And finding a Christmas tree.

 The ninth thing at Christmas
 That's such a pain to me:
 Finding parking spaces,
 Daddy, I want some candy!
 Donations!
 Facing my in-laws.
 Five months of bills.
 Writing out those Christmas cards.
 Hangovers.
 Now why the hell are they blinking?!
 And finding a Christmas tree.

 The tenth thing at Christmas
 That's such a pain to me:
 Batteries not included.
 No parking spaces.
 Buy me something!
 Get a job you bum!
 Facing my in-laws.
 Five months of bills.
 Yo-ho sending Christmas cards.
 Oh-geez look at this.
 One light goes out, they all go out!
 And finding a Christmas tree.

 The eleventh thing at Christmas
 That's such a pain to me:
 Stale T.V. specials.
 Batteries not included.
 No parking spaces
 Mom, I gotta go bathroom!
 Charities!
 She's a witch, I hate her.
 Five months of bills.
 Oh, I don't even know half these people!
 Oh, who has the toilet paper, huh?
 Turn on a flashlight, I blew a fuse!
 And finding a Christmas tree.

 The twelfth thing at Christmas
 That's such a pain to me:
 Singing Christmas carols.
 Stale T.V. specials.
 Batteries not included.
 No parking!
 *Crying*
 Charities.
 Gotta make 'em dinner.
 Five months of bills.
 I'm not sending 'em this year, that's it!
 Shut up, you!
 Fine, you're so smart! You rig up the lights!
 And finding a Christmas tree.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Christmas Party Planning
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #276 on 97-12-14

 Festivity Level 1:
 Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring
 your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the
 upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
 d'oeuvres.

 Festivity Level 2:
 Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other,
 and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-
 tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

 Festivity Level 3:
 Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects,
 singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other
 peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what
 happens when the little hammers strike.

 Festivity Level 4: <My personal favorite>
 Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked
 bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning
 Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.  Neighbors have all
 called 911.  Sirens can be heard approaching in the
 background.
 

 HELPFUL TIP:
 Often bail bondsmen will give you a group rate if you reach
 Level 4 on at least two consecutive Christmas parties!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Planning The Office Party
          From: RFSlick on 1/2/2001

 During the holidays last year a friend of mine, who will
 remain nameless (LH) collected a series of Holiday Party
 emails from the company's Human Resources Director.
 Following are those mails.  I trust you will all be much
 more patient and caring...but, will enjoy them.  Remember,
 Christmas Eve was on a Friday, last year.

 Peace,
 Jere
 

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     TO: All Employees
     RE: Christmas Party
     DATE: December 1

 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
 will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the
 banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.  No-host bar,
 but plenty of eggnog!  We'll have a small band playing
 traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't
 be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
 A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M.  Exchange of
 gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,
 no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
 easy for everyone's pockets.  This gathering is only for
 employees!  A special announcement will be made by our
 CEO at that time!
 Merry Christmas to you and your family.
 Patty

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     TO: All Employees
     DATE: December 2
     RE: Holiday Party

 In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
 employees.  We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday
 which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
 this year.  However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
 Party."  The same policy applies to employees who are celebrat-
 ing Kwanzaa at this time.  There will be no Christmas tree
 present.  No Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other
 type of music for your enjoyment.  Happy now?
 Happy Holidays to you and your family.
 Patty

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     TO: All Employees
     DATE: December 3
     RE: Holiday Party
 

 Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
 Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't
 sign your name.  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but
 if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you would
 not be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?
 Somebody?
 Anybody???
 Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed
 since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
 executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
 NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     To: All Employees
     DATE: December 7
     RE: Holiday Party

 What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20
 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating
 and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!
 Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year
 does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps
 Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
 the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else
 package everything for take home in little foil swans.  Will
 that work?
 Meanwhile,
 I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
 farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get
 the table closest to the restrooms.
 Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
 Lesbians do not have to sit with the Gay men, each Group will
 have their own table.  Yes, there will be flower arrangement
 for the Gay men's table.  To the person asking permission to
 cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though.
 We will have booster seats for short people.
 Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.  We can-
 not control the salt used in the food we suggest for those
 people with high blood-pressure problems to taste first.
 There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
 restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.  Sorry!
 Did I miss anything?
 Patty

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     TO: All Employees
     DATE: December 8
     RE: Holiday Party

 So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect
 me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?   Fire regulations at
 Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based
 Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate
 your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
 OKAY???
 Patty

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     To: All Employees
     Date: December 9
     RE: Holiday Party

 People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our
 CEO dress up like Santa Claus!  Even if the anagram of "Santa"
 does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our
 own "little man in a red suit."  It's a tradition, folks, like
 sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving
 turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.  Could we lighten
 up? PLEASE?????????
 Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the
 special announcement at the gathering.  You will get a
 notification in the mail sent to your home.

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
     DATE: December 10
     RE: The  <mailto:%#*&^%@*%^Holiday %#*&^%@*%^Holiday
     <mailto:%#*&^%@*%^Holiday  Party

 I have no #%&*@*^ing idea what the announcement is all about.
 What the %#&^!@ do I care... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!
 You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!!  No
 more changes of address will be allowed in my office.  Try to
 come in and change your address, I will have you hung from
 the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
 Vegetarians!?!?!?  I've had it with you people!!!  We're
 going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether
 you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table
 furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put
 it, and you'll get your #$%^&*!ing salad bar, including
 hydroponic tomatoes.  But you know, they have feelings, too.
 Tomatoes scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.
 I'm hearing them scream right now!
 HA!
 I hope you all have a rotten holiday!  Drive drunk and die,
 you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
 (signed)
 THE BITCH FROM HELL

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
     DATE: December 14
     RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

 I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
 recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to
 forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.  In the meantime,
 management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
 everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
 Happy Holidays!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Office Christmas Party
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #276 on 97-12-14
          (Also see 'Jewish Wife Was Unfaithful' in JEWISH1)

 After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke
 up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly
 unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.  After
 a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs,
 where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

 "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night.  Was it
 as bad as I think?"

 "Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.  "You
 made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
 entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the
 company to his face."

 "He's an a**hole - piss on him!"

 "You did," Louise informed him.  "And he fired you."

 "Well, screw him!" said John.

 "I did.  You're back at work on Monday."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     How To Tell A Democrat From A Republican (S48)
          During the Holiday Season by John Carlson
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #281 on 97-12-29
          (See 'How To Tell Republicans From Democrats:' in POLITICAL1)

 Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by
 giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send
 them to in-laws.

 Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
 Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning

 When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or
 mulled wine.  Democrats ask for egg nog.

 When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
 Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night
 television.

 Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
 So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

 Democrats give their children gifts that make a political
 statement.  Republicans give their children gifts that will
 keep them out of their hair.

 Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
 Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to
 shoot each other with dolls.

 Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hours of work
 decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
 Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night
 to enjoy the scenery.

 Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
 Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
 Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".

 Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during
 the festive season.  Democrats do too, all year round.

 Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent,
 wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their
 Christmas Cards.  Public ridicule from Democrats usually
 discourages them from doing it again.

 Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
 Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until
 the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.

 Democratic men like to watch football while their wives,
 girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.  On this,
 Republicans are in full agreement.

 Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children
 play "Cowboys and Indians".  Democrats don't either, as
 long as the Indians get to win.

 Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they
 stopped believing in Santa Claus...  Democrats became
 Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus...

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     This Will Keep You Cool! (S87)
          From: JOELFALLON on 98-10-02

   Place your finger on the down arrow  & Hold it down...

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