Subj: Christmas3_NBC-Supp Jokes
(Includes 17 jokes and articles, 10991,5,cf,vXT2a,4)
WingSpan Fun Stuff
Subj: Christmas Snow GIF (S986)
From: Hummingbird Haven on Facebook on 12/8/2015
The Night Before Christmas (S464d)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/19/2005
This funny video tells the politically
correct story about
the Night Before Christmas as read by Larry the Cable Guy
to a group of children. You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: 'Twas The Week After Christmas (S570)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/29/2007
'Twas the week after Christmas,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there
arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the
bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of the
sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I
like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or
corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and
life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
Subj: 'Twas The Night Before Katrina (S519c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/22/2006
'Twas de night before Katrina,
when all tru da state
Not a gas pump was pumpin', Not a store open late
All da plywood was hung, on de windows wit care,
Knowing dat a hurricane, Soon would be dere.
Da chilren were ready wit deir
flashlight in hand
While rain bands from da hurricane covered over our lan
And Mom wit her Mag-lite, and me wit my cap
Has jus filled da battub for flushing our crap..
When out on de lawn, there arose
such a clatter
I sprang from da closet to see what was de matter
The trees on da terrace, and de neighbor's roof torn,
We feared we'd be dyin' in dis terrible storm.
Wit a little wind gus, so lively
I membered quite clearly our walls was not brick
More rapid than Eagles, her courses they changed!
And she whistled and wafted and surged all the same.
Off shingles! Off sidings! Off
rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences! Down trailers! Down towers!
On da street of New Orleans, she continued to maul,
Screaming Blow away! Blow away! Blow away all!
As da wind ripped and tossed
da debris tru de sky,
I peeked out the shutters at the cars floatin' by.
So go to the attic my family did do,
With a portable radio and some batteries too.
And den in a twinkling, I heard
on da set,
The end was not coming for a few hours yet!
As I calmed down da kids and was turning around
Tru de window it came with a huge crashing sound
A tree branch it was all covered
De wind blew it smack-dab on top of my foot!
A bundle of twigs now lay in a stack
And my Livin' Room looked like it was under attack.
De wind how it howled, de storm
Myself and my family were all too unwary.
Da dangers of hurricanes are serious ya know,
Dey are taken for granted as Betsy did show.
Wit da winds dying down and da
I noticed my tool shed was missing its sheath
So I grabbed my last tarp, and nailed it on down,
Den I got in my car and drove into town.
Da traffic was awful and stores
had no ice,
My 5-gallon cooler would have to suffice
Generators was scarce, not one left in town,
Dere was trees on the roads and power lines down.
FEMA was ready wit people to
Electrical companies came in from New York.
I sprang to da car, and gave my family a whistle,
Den away we all went like a Tomahawk missile!
You could hear us exclaim as
we drove out of sight,
"The heck wit dis place, Texas seem just right!"
Subj: 'Twas The Bills After Christmas (S517)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/1/2006
'Twas the day after Christmas,
And all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin',
Even the mouse.
The toys were all broken,
Their batteries dead;
And Santa was passed out,
With some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons,
Just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family,
Continued to snore.
And I in a T-shirt,
New Reeboks and jeans,
Went to the kitchen,
And started to clean.
When out in front of my house,
There arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink,
To see what was the matter.
Away to the window,
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains,
And threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering,
Eyes should appear,
But a little white truck,
With an over sized mirror.
The driver was smiling,
So lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket
Read " U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills,
He grinned like a fox,
Then stuffed them into,
Our blue mailbox.
Bill after bill,
After bill, they still came.
As he whistling and shouted,
And called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's,
Now Penny's and Wal-Mart,
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and
Target and Hallmark.
To the tip of your limit, every store,
Now charge away--charge away-
-charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled,
As he finished his work.
He filled up the mailbox,
And then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck,
And he drove down the road,
Driving much faster,
With just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim,
With great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you bought,
You'll be paying all year!"
Subj: Night Before Christmas Alone (S516b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/30/2006
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse. No kids
lived with me, so I thought I would chatter. There'd be
no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter. There'd be no
fat elf, coming through my chimney. I'll be alone, my
computer and me. I won't race to the window, to see him
arrive. I'll just sit right here... with windows ninety-
five. There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around. None
of my regular buddies are found. I went in some chat
rooms, but quickly got out. Age, sex, location is all
As, I was about to go check out
the net. I got an E-mail
which I didn't expect. A lady told me, she had read my
profile. And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.
She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave. But,
she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve. She said, it's
the first time, she'd ever been on. But, she heard,
computers, could be so much fun. She said, the computer,
was usually locked tight. But, she said, her husband,
left it on... tonight. He's away on some business; He'll
be gone all night. So, she thought she'd use it, " I
guess it's all right." She started to tell me, about
her whole life. How she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations,
and needs. Because
she was forced, to do such silly deeds. She talked on
and on, from one thing to the next. Then finally told
me.....she was oversexed. She didn't have sex, with her
husband, she told. He was always too busy, and getting
too old. Then, she wrote me something, that made my
heart vex. She asked me to teach her , to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could. Then after an
hour, she got really good. After five hours, my fingers
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because
she was tired too. And
anyway, her husband, soon would be due. She said she
would be on, the same time next year. Then asked, if I
wouldn't mind, meeting her here. She said only... on
this night, she could be found it is only... this night,
her husband leaves town. She said bye, and signed off
and i had to pause.
I think I just cybered ..... with Mrs. Santa Claus!!!!
The Story Of St. Redneckerless (S833d)
From: tom on 12/23/2012
to see this cute, silly redneck, 'Night
Before Christmas' cartoon/video.
Subj: N.B.C. In Rest Home (S464b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/16/2005
'Twas the night before Christmas
at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each
walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood
in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
A strange little fellow flew
in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he
strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had just arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep
in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us , We wish you the best
Subj: Night Before Christmas - Dirty II (S411b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/7/2004
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through
the house, everyone felt shitty even the mouse.
Dads at the whore house, Mom's
and I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
Then out on the lawn there arose
such a clatter.
I sprang from my piece, to see what was the matter.
He came down the chimney, like
a bat out of Hell.
I knew right away that fucker fell.
He filled all the stockings with
pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with one
hell of a fart.
That son-of-a-bitch blew my chimney apart.
He swore and he cussed as he
flew out of sight,
"Piss on you all and have one hell of a night!"
Subj: N.B.C.-Pre Christmas Greeting: (DU)
From: Imogenelumen on 12/6/2003
'T'was the night before Christmas
and all through the town,
Not a sign of Baby Jesus
was anywhere to be found.
The people were all busy
with Christmas time chores
Like decorating, and baking,
and shopping in stores.
No one sang "Away in a manger,
no crib for a bed"..
Instead, they sang of Santa
dressed-up in bright red.
Mama watched Martha Stewart,
Papa drank beer from a tap.
As hour upon hour
the presents they'd wrap
When what from the T.V.
did they suddenly hear?
'Cept an ad.. which told
of a big sale at Sears.
So away to the mall
they all flew like a flash...
Buying things on credit...
and others with cash!
And, as they made their way home
From their trip to the mall,
Did they think about Jesus?
Oh, no... not at all.
Their lives were so busy
with their Christmas time things
No time to remember
Christ Jesus, the King..
There were presents to wrap
and cookies to bake.
How could they stop and remember
who died for their sake?
To pray to the Savior...
they had no time to stop.
Because they needed more time
to "Shop til they dropped!"
On Wal-mart! On K-mart!
On Target! On Penney's!
On Hallmark! On Zales!
A quick lunch at Denny's
From the big stores downtown
to the stores at the mall
They would dash away, dash away,
and visit them all!
And up on the roof,
there arose such a clatter
As grandpa hung icicle lights
up on his brand new step ladder.
He hung lights that would flash.
He hung lights that would twirl.
Yet, he never once prayed to Jesus...
Light of the World.
Christ's eyes... how they twinkle!
Christ's Spirit... how merry!
Christ's love... how enormous!
All our burdens... He'll carry!
So instead of being busy,
overworked, and uptight,
Let's put Christ back in
Christmas and enjoy
some good nights!
Merry Christmas, my friends!
No Christmas For You (S464d)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/16/2005
Source: (Removed from illwillpress.com)
This video supports old-school
values for Christmas.
You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Night Before Christmas-Some Assembly Required (S308b)
From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 12/23/2002
'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not
asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart
skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts
then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew
for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept
bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet
repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
Subj: The Night Before Christmas On The Computer (S307b)
From: Puneet385 on 12/19/2002
(See 'Twas the Night Before 2000' in COMPUTER3)
'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the
modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom
II for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To firstname.lastname@example.org -
Which has now been re-routed
to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that
was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion.
The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers
or little toy drums
(ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that
the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long,
is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and
I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new
Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a
smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
Subj: The Night Before Christmas In Texas (S307)
From: szalay on 12/19/2002
Twas the night before Christmas,
in Texas you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
Adreamin' of Chrismas, Like me and you.
Not stocking, but boots, at the
foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said?
When all of a sudden, from out of the night,
There came such a ruckus, It gave me fright!
I saw' cros the prairie, like
a shot from a gun,
A loaded-up buckboard, com on at a run.
The driver was 'Geenin' and 'Hawin' with a will,
The horses (no reindeer) he drove with such skill.
Com on ther Buck and Poncho,
and Prince to the right!
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight!
The driver in Levi's and shirt that was red,
Had a 10-gallon Stetson on top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard
he was really a sight.
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.
He filled up their boots, with
such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, "Are you REALLY Santa Claus?"
"Am I the REAL Santa?" "Well,
what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard ? called back, in his drawl,
"To all the children in Texas, MERRY CHRISTMAS, you-all.
Italian Night Before Christmas In Brooklyn (S882d)
Broadcast on Imus in the Morning
From: tom on 12/21/2013
In this video Rob Bartlett does
the Twas The Night Before
Christmas as "Sal Monella" on Imus in the Morning. Imus
in the Morning is an American radio show hosted by Don Imus
on Cumulus Media Networks, and simulcast for television on
Fox Business Network. Click 'HERE' to see this Italian,
Brooklyn Christmas poem.
Subj: Twas The Night Before Crisis (S85)
From: mbucher on 98-09-19
This is priceless.......
Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.
The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.
When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.
Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!
And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.
With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you.
On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.
The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba Had gotten a hummer.
And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have all this trouble.
And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And "White House insiders.
You ask, "Who would care
About Bill and his penis?"
Republican Ken Starr,
And he's armed with subpoenas!
More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
"Here's one for you!
And for you! And you, too!"
"Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"
"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."
And many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered.
We've learned "Little Bill"
Has a mind of his own,
And - horror of horrors -
He likes to get blown!
A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.
The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!
Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.", and to "Friends."
Now Monica, Linda-
And Ken Starr, you suck -
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.
Subj: A Boca Christmas Poem (S991)
From: AFine963 on 12/25/2015
Also called Jewish 'The Night
(See 'The Night Before Chanukah'
and 'Second 'The Night Before Chanukah' in Jewish3)
'Twas the night before Christmas
and down here in Boca,
I was sitting at Starbucks,
drinking my mocha.
I know we're all Jewish,
but was wondering still,
if Santa would come here
and give us a thrill.
On my way home,
no Christmas lights did I see,
on the houses, the windows,
not even the trees.
What a strange feeling.
Not a decoration in sight.
Was it really December
or a warm summer's night?
I drove past the deli's,
there were lines out the door.
People were waiting
for kishka and more.
The restaurants were busy,
Christmas dinners not planned.
Never, not here,
we're in Boca Land.
At home all was quiet.
I left out Kosher wine
in case Santa came to Boca
for the very first time.
Snoozing came easy
to me Christmas Eve.
I wasn't waiting for presents
to be left under a tree.
I could hope all I want.
I could fuss and then see,
if Santa would make time
for little old me.
Then all of a sudden
he pulled up in his Jag,
with a sack full of presents
each sporting a tag.
Oh Bloomies, oh Saks,
a computer and more.
He knows where to shop,
he frequents my stores!
He looked for the lox,
the bagels and jelly.
He came to Boca first
to fill up his belly!
"I have a long night ahead,
I want you to know.
From Boca I leave
for New York and the snow."
He stayed for a while,
he chatted and ate.
Then he left in a flash
before it got late.
What a great night
I thought with a sigh.
That jolly old Santa
is a really nice guy.
As I cleared off the table
I heard with delight
"Shalom to you all,
and OY, what a night!