>>> Subj:     Christmas3_NBC Jokes (Gz)                  (Includes 20 jokes and articles)            Click "Here" for Christmas3_NBC-Supp >>>

Little Durmmer from AGAG Animation Gallery

Also see CAT2 file    - 'Christmas Cat Poetry'
         COMPUTER3    - 'Twas the Night Before 2000'
         FOOD_ETC     - 'Dieters Night Before Christmas'
         PLANE1 file  - 'Stealth, Night Before Christmas'
         REDNECK3 file- 'Twas A Redneck Christmas'
         SCIENCE1 file- 'The Night Before Christmas, Scientifically Explained'
         THANKSGIVING - 'The Night After Thanksgiving Food'
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Subj:     Wizards of Winter (S463b)           From: dejuanita           on 12/8/2005

 Source: http://www.s140891385.onlinehome.us/Hosted/wizardsofwinter.wmv

 This 5,000 KB WMV movie is beautifully set to music.  You can
 view it at the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     The Night Before Christmas In The Kitchen (S256, S465)
          From: Cypriot on 12/24/2001
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 12/21/2005

 T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
 I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
 I've been here for hours; I can't stop to rest.
 This room's a disaster!  Just look at this mess!

 Tommorow I've got thirty people to feed.
 They expect all the trimmings.  Who cares what *I* need!
 My feet are both blistered; I've got cramps in my legs;
 The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

 There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
 Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
 Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
 My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

 I've had alI I can stand; I can't take anymore;
 Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
 He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
 Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

 He looks all around and with total regret,
 Says "What's taking so long ... aren't you through in here yet??"
 As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
 He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life !

 He flees from the room in terror and pain,
 And screams, "MY GOD, WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
 Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
 Oh shit it's the pies!!  They're burned all to hell!!

 I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
 But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
 What else can go wrong??  Is there still more ahead??
 If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

 Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
 It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
 But I promise you one thing: If I live till next year,
 You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

 I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
 And if that doesn't work ... I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

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Subj:     Twas The Night Before Ramadan (S254)
          by Mullah Mohammed Omar
          From: pns on 12/9/2001

 Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through the cave,
 Not a creature was stirring; it felt like a grave.
 The turbans were hung by the fire pit with care,
 In hopes that the Air Force would not soon be there.

 The soldiers were restless without any beds,
 While visions of air strikes flashed in their heads.
 Osama in his burkha and I in my goatskin cap,
 Had just settled down for a cold, barren winter's nap,

 When out on the ledge there arose such a clatter,
 I grabbed my Kalashnikov to see what was the matter.
 Away from the racket I ran like a girl,
 Tripped over a goat; into a ball I did curl.

 The moon shone down on the new-fallen snow
 And lit up the valley with an ominous glow,
 When, what to my one good eye should appear,
 But a dozen Apaches, and tanks in the rear,

 And their leader, so fearless, his troops he did push,
 I knew in an instant it must be George Bush.
 More rapid than eagles his forces they came,
 And they whistled, and shouted, and called out our names;

 "Now Omar! Osama! Muhammad! Abdul!
 We come for you now; we've taken Kabul!
 To the top of the cliffs! To the back of their caves!
 When you chose this war, you dug your own graves!"

 As the dry leaves that before the assault choppers fly,
 When they meet with an obstacle, light up the sky,
 So up to the ledge his forces they flew
 with full magazines, and flame-throwers too.

 And then, in a twinkling, I heard with a thud
 The explosions of Tomahawks; not one was a dud.
 As I chambered my rifle, and was turning around,
 Osama was there, disguised in a gown.

 He was dressed all in drag, from his head to his toes,
 And he said he would flee while I held off his foes;
 A bundle of money he had stuffed in his pack,
 He said "I'm going to Baghdad and I'm not looking back!"

 His eyes were all glassy; he trembled with fear;
 The American bombs, they rang in his ears.
 He saddled his goat, then turned tail and fled,
 But a Marine Corps sniper got him in the head.

 I watched with cold fear as his body did slump;
 The goat threw him off; he fell with a thump.
 And so, there I stood, my plans all destroyed,
 About to suffer a fate I could not avoid;

 I dropped to my knees; asked Allah for help,
 His voice boomed in my ears, "You ignorant whelp!
 I gave you the Bible, the Torah and Koran,
 But you were too arrogant to understand,

 I told you to honor your neighbors and wives;
 Not to enslave them, or degrade their lives!
 You invoke My name to sanction your deeds,
 But you are the last thing that this world needs.

 And so, I'll send you and bin Laden to Hell."
 The last words I heard, as the bombs fell,
 Were from George Bush himself as he mounted the wall,
 "One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Twas The Night Before Payback (S254b)
          From: RFSlick on 11/28/2001
      and From: pns on 12/10/2001

 Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land,
 They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
 Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,
 He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.

 He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,
 But all that he's done is just make us Madder.
 We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
 And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.

 And yes we remember the USS Cole,
 And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.
 You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,
 You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.

 And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
 And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
 You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.
 They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.

 Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
 He came very close, to his final Breath.
 So come out and prove it, that you are a Man,
 Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.

 They are our fathers and they are our Sons,
 And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
 They would have stayed home with children and Wives,
 Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

 Osama I wrote this especially for You,
 For air mail delivery by B-52.
 You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
 Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile.

 I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.
 It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show.

 Author unknown

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Subj:    Twas A Week Past Election..... (S201)
         From: Anaise on 12/2/2000

   'Twas a week past election and all through the land,
    Not a president was chosen and no decision at hand.
    The ballots were counted again and again
    In hopes that in Florida the Vice President would win.
    The governor had won it, or so he had said.
    And thoughts of his cabinet danced in his head.
    While Gore and his lawyers and Bush and his too
    Argued and argued about what to do.
    When down in Palm Beach arose such confusion,
    As thousands of Democrats voted Buchanan!
    The box for Buchanan was too close to Gore's,
    So Bush got the most votes.
    Should Gore have had more?
    Then what in the nation's eyes did appear?

    But thousands of lawyers and lawsuits to hear.
    Faster and faster the lawyers they came,
    With a truckload of briefs,
    and people to blame.
    And then the Vice President said, and I quote:
    "We must hand count each Floridian's vote."
    The country then watched as Florida reported
    Numbers and figures the media distorted.
    The Vice President was weak, his chances were thin,
    That in the end the Presidency he'd win.
    The governor's aides confidently touted
   "We've won the election.
    Votes don't need to be counted."
    No one cared anymore who was elected,
    As long as it ended and one was selected.
    As they pulled Palm Beach County and counted again,
    America knew it never would end.
    Thousands protested the votes that were tossed,
    No one would ever concede he had lost,
    And the media debated into the night,
    Whether the holes should have been on the right.
    And so no one knew from the West to the East,
    Who got the most votes or who got the least.
    But the voice of reason calmed everyone's fears:
    We'll Do This....Again In Another Four Years!

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Subj:     T'was The Week After Christmas (S151)
          From: collins2 on 12/21/1999

 T'WAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
 AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
 NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING
 NOT EVEN A MOUSE.

 I TURNED ON THE POWER
 BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING
 I GRAB THE COMPUTER
 AND START BANGING AND JERKING.

 I LAID OUT THREE GRAND
 FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK
 ON JANUARY 1ST
 THE DAMN THING WENT "KERPLUNK"!

 WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW
 IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER
 MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED
 TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER.

 I TURNED ON THE TV
 THE CABLE IS DOWN
 MY MICROWAVE OVEN
 IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS.

 MY NEW VCR
 IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK
 NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING
 NOT EVEN THE CLOCK.

 IT'S TWENTY BELOW
 THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON
 THE FURNACE WON'T WORK
 THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING

 THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED
 AT A WORSE TIME
 I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE
 ON MY BEHIND.

 I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND
 AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY
 THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK
 in regard to MY MONEY.

 "WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION
 AND SAVINGS WITH CARE
 BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON
 YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE
 WE WERE Y2K READY
 WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES
 BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU
 YOUR BALANCE IS...ZERO"!

 I DROP THE RECEIVER
 TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH
 I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE
 THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH.

 I TURNED ON THE FAUCET
 NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK
 I HEAD OUT THE DOOR
 TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK.

 I JUMP IN THE CAR
 TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH
 IT ONLY GOES "CLICK"
 I SCREAM, "SON OF A BITCH!"

 A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION
 HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE
 NOT SET UP
 FOR THE "2000" DATE.

 I TWITCH LIKE A MADMAN
 THIS CANNOT BE TRUE
 NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY
 WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO.

 SHOUTING OBSCENITIES
 AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT
 HAPPY Y2K TO ALL
 IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!

                            \\\//
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Subj:     T'was The Week After Christmas II (S257)
          From: KMACINTY on 1/2/2002

 'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
 Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
 The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
 At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

 When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
 When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

 I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
 The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

 The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
 And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

 As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
 And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

 I said to myself, as I only can
 "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

 So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
 Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

 Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
 "Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

 I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
 I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

 I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
 I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

 I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
 But isn't that what January is for?

 Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
 Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Night Before Impeachment (S100)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #298 on 98-12-26

 'Twas the night before impeachment and all through the House
 All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
 The Articles were hung on the Capitol with care
 In hope that old Bubba would be trapped in his lair.
 Republicans were warmly nestled with Feds
 While visions of perjury danced in their heads
 And Barr with his rhetoric, and Hyde with his trap
 Had just settled in for an afternoon nap.
 When out in the Gulf there arose such a clatter
 They turned on CNN to see what's the matter
 And what to their wondering eyes should appear
 But Tomahawk missiles cruising like reindeer
 With a presidential address, so lively and quick,
 They knew in a moment it must be Ol ' Slick
 More loyal than beagles, his supporters they came
 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name
 Now Conyers, Now Gephard, forget about the Vixen!
 On Barney! On Maxine! Hey I'm no Nixon!
 From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall
 Now dash away, Poll away, Fool them all
 And then the Republicans heard on the roof
 The prancing and pawing of each little goof
 As they scratched their heads and were turning around
 Resilient ol ' Slick polled another rebound.
 No longer was he eating his big humble pie
 While assaulting Saddam with bombs from the sky
 A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
 It looked like again Slick Willie was back.
 His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples so merry
 He searched for an intern - he wanted a cherry.
 His droll big mouth was all drawn in a grin
 He knew all at once he had fooled them again.
 The stump of a stogie he held in his teeth,
 The smoke had encircled his head like a wreath
 He had a broad face like an old lumberjack's
 And a big round belly from eating Big Macs
 He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf
 The Republicans wept in spite of themselves
 A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
 Soon gave them to know they had something to dread
 He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
 Ignoring the fact that some think him a jerk
 And shaking his finger, and thumbing his nose
 By "Wagging the Dog" up the polls he rose
 He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle
 They cheered Slick Willie as he launched one more missile
 They heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight
 "Happy Ramadan to all, and Thank G-d for this fight."

                          \\\//
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Subj:     The Night Before Christmas In New Jersey!!
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-12-08

       'Twas the night before Christmas,
        Da whole house was mella,
        Not a creature was stirrin',
        Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
        When up on da roof
        I heard somethin' pound,
        I sprung to da window,
        To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
        When what to my
        Wanderin' eyes should appear,
        But da Don of all elfs,
        And eight friggin' reindeer!
        Wit' slicked back black hair,
        And a silk red suit,
        don Christopher wuz here,
        And he brought da loot!
        Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
        And a yank on dare manes,
        He cursed and he shouted,
        And he called dem by name.
        "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
         Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
         Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
         Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
         As I drew out my gun
         And hid by da bed,
         He flew troo da winda
         And slapped me 'side da head.
        "What da hell you doin'
         Pullin' a gun on da Don?
         Now all you're gettin' is coal,
         You friggin' moron!"
         Den pointin' a fat finga
         Right unda my nose,
         He twisted his pinky ring,
         And up da chimney he rose.
         He sprang to his sleigh,
         Obscenities screamin',
         Away dey all flew,
         Before he troo dem a beatin'.
         Den I heard him yell out,
         What I did least expect,
        "Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
         And yous better show some respect!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Night Before Xmas - Old Santa Was Pissed (S200, S464b)
          From: JCary on 12/1/2000
      and From: darrell94590 12/12/2005

 T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
 He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
 Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
 I have good mind to scrap the whole works
 I've busted my ass for damn near a year
 Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
 The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
 The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
 Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
 Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
 And just when I thought that things would get better
 Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

 They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
 Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
 And the kids these days - they all are the pits
 They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits

 I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
 Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
 I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
 They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

 If you think that's bad...just picture this
 Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
 They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
 And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird

 Flying through the air...dodging the trees
 Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
 I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
 I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

 There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
 I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

                            \\\//
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Subj: Night Before Xmas-Old Santa Was Pissed2 (S465)       From: LABLaughsClean       on 12/20/2005

 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19980519

 This remake of Old Santa Was Pissed can be seen at the source
 above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     The Night Before Christmas - Dirty (S97)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-12-04

 Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
 The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
 The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
 It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
 Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,
 Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
 When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
 That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
 Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
 Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
 The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard,
 The place was a mess, something hit it real hard.

 When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
 But a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
 With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
 A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
 Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
 And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
 Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
 Fucking slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
 Over the lamp post, and don't hit that tree,
 Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.
 They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
 Just as Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub.
 And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter,
 As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
 I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
 When down through the chimney he came with a crash.
 His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,
 He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

 That was some cathouse, he said with a smile,
 The reindeer are pooped, so I'll hang for awhile.
 He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink,
 Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
 I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
 The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
 Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
 But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
 The first thing he found was a black leather whip,
 Next were some X-rated video clips.
 A box full of condoms was Santa's next find,
 And a six pack of  panties, the edible kind.
 A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
 And boxes of goodies I won't even mention.
 A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
 And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
 This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit,
 If you don't mind I'll leave it all here when I split.
 He filled every stocking and then took his leave,

 With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
 He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
 And he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead.
 He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch,
 Let's go ya varmits, the night's been a bitch!?
 The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair,
 And he let out a belch as they took to the air,
 Bending the lamp post and raking the tree,
 He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free.
 I'm comin home, woman! he sang with a smirk,
 So grab both your ankles, and pull up your skirt!

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Twas The Night Before Crisis (S85)
          From: mbucher on 98-09-19

 This is priceless.......

 Twas the night before crisis,
 And behind White House doors,
 Not a creature was stirring,
 Especially Al Gore.

 The interns were nestled,
 Dressed in their berets,
 In hopes that Saint Bubba
 Would come out to play.

 When on the East Lawn,
 There arose such a clatter,
 Even Sam Donaldson
 Lost control of his bladder.

 Away to our TVs
 We flew like a flash,
 There's a special report,
 And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!

 And what to our wondering
 Eyes should appear,
 But a homely lil' troll,
 With tapes for us to hear.

 With a K-Mart bought blazer,
 And a bad frizzy 'do,
 And a tale to be told-
 To me, and to you.

 On the chair! On the carpet!
 On the Oval Office desk!
 With a chubby young intern,
 Who was all eyes and chest.

 The Pres had been careless,
 Indeed, dumb and dumber.
 Now the whole world knew
 Bubba Had gotten a hummer.

 And Monica Lewinsky
 Emerged from the rubble,
 If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
 We'd not have all this trouble.

 And thus set in motion,
 A whole web o' spiders,
 With pundits galore,
 And "White House insiders.

 You ask, "Who would care
 About Bill and his penis?"
 Republican Ken Starr,
 And he's armed with subpoenas!

 More rapid than eagles,
 Process servers, they flew!
 "Here's one for you!
 And for you! And you, too!"

 "Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
 Is there anyone else?!?
 Let's subpoena the lawyers!
 And Bubba himself!!"

 "We want you to tell us
 About Bill's private life,
 And anyone he sleeps with,
 'cept, of course, his wife."

 And many months later,
 After long we've all suffered,
 Let's examine more closely
 Just what Starr's uncovered.

 We've learned "Little Bill"
 Has a mind of his own,
 And - horror of horrors -
 He likes to get blown!

 A funny fact surfaced,
 After 40 million bucks:
 Seems most people don't care
 Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.

 The economy's great,
 And shows no signs of slowing.
 Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
 NEVER stops blowing!

 Now the public's grown weary.
 Will this sleaze never end?
 We just want to get back
 To "E.R.", and to "Friends."

 Now Monica, Linda-
 And Ken Starr, you suck -
 Get the hell off my TV,
 Your 15 minutes are up.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Night Before Christmas On The Enterprise

 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
 Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
 The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
 In hopes that no aliens would get up that early.
 The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
 (Except for the few who were partying drunks);
 And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
 Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face...
 When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
 That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
 Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
 Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"
 The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
 Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
 When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
 But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
 But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew
 That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
 His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
 Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:
 "It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
 It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
 To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
 Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"
 As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
 So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
 And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew,
 As the captain called out, "What the hell is this, Q?!"
 The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
 And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
 As we took in our plight and were looking around,
 The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
 Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
 Appeared once again, to continue the show.
 "That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
 And Riker said, "Worf! Take aim at this dunce!"
 "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q,
 "I just want to celebrate Christmas with you."
 As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
 He dumped out the contents and took a step back.
 "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
 There's something delightful for everyone here."
 He sat on the floor and dug into his pile,
 And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:
 "For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain.
 Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
 For Worf I've some mints as his breath's not too great,
 And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
 For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
 For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
 For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
 And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."
 Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
 And clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
 But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
 Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Night Before Christmas With A US Soldier (S145, S356b)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 05 Dec 97
      and From: Imogenelumen on 11/20/2003

 Twas the night before Christmas,
 he lived all alone
 In a one bedroom house made of
 plaster and stone.

 I had come down the chimney
 with presents to give,
 And to see just who
 in this home did live.

 I looked all about,
 a strange sight did I see,
 No tinsel, no presents,
 not even a tree.

 No stocking by the mantle,
 just boots filled with sand,
 on the wall hung pictures
 of far distant lands.

 With medals and badges,
 awards of all kinds,
 a sober thought
 came through my mind.

 For this house was different,
 it was dark and dreary,
 I found the house of a soldier,
 once I could see clearly.

 The soldier lay sleeping,
 silent, alone,
 curled upon the floor
 in this one bedroom home.

 The face was so gentle,
 the room in such disorder,
 Not how I pictured
 a United States soldier.

 Was this the hero
 of whom I just read?
 Curled up on a poncho,
 the floor for a bed?

 I realized the families
 I saw on this night,
 owed their lives to these soldiers,
 who were willing to fight.

 Soon round the world
 the children would play,
 And grownups would celebrate
 a bright Christmas day.

 They all enjoyed freedom
 each month of the year,
 Because of the soldiers,
 like the one lying here.

 I couldn't help wonder
 how many lay alone,
 on a cold Christmas Eve,
 in a land far from home.

 The very thought
 brought a tear to my eye,
 I dropped to my knees
 and started to cry.

 The soldier awakened
 and I heard a rough voice,
 "Santa, don't cry,
 this life is my choice;

 I fight for freedom,
 I don't ask for more,
 My life is my God,
 my country, my Corps."

 The soldier rolled over
 and drifted to sleep,
 I couldn't control it,
 I started to weep.

 I kept watch for hours,
 so silent and still
 And we both shivered
 from the cold night's chill.

 I didn't want to leave
 on that cold, dark night
 This Guardian of Honor
 so willing to fight.

 The soldier rolled over,
 with a voice soft and pure,
 whispered, "Carry on, Santa,
 It's Christmas Day, All is secure."

 One look at my watch
 and I knew he was right
 Merry Christmas, my friend,
 and to all a Good Night!

 This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Night Before Christmas, Politically Correct
          From: auntieg on 97-12-19

 Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck_
 How to live in a world that's politically correct?
 His  workers no longer would answer as "elves",
 "Vertically  challenged" they were calling themselves.
 And labour  conditions at the North Pole
 Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
 Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
 Released to the wilds by the Humane society
 And equal employment had made it quite clear
 That Santa had better not use just reindeer,
 So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
 were replaced by four pigs, and you know, that looked stupid!
 The runner had been removed from his sleigh;
 The ruts were termed "dangerous" by the E.P.A.
 And people started to call for the cops
 When they heard sled noises on their roof tops.
 Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
 His fur-trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

 And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
 Rudolph was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
 And has gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
 Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
 So half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
 Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
 Joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz
 Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

 And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
 That making a choice could cause such a commotion.
 Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
 Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
 Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
 Nothing to aim.  Nothing to shoot.
 Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
 Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
 Nothing that claimed to be gender-specific.
 Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.
 No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
 Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth,
 And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
 Were like Ken or Barbie, better off hidden.
 For they raised the hackles of those psychological
 Who claimed the only good gift was on ecological,
 No baseball, no football - someone could get hurt.
 Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
 Dolls were to be sexist, and should be passe?
 And Nintendo would rot your whole brain away.

 So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
 He just could not figure out what to do next.
 He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
 But you've got to be careful with that word today.
 His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
 Nothing acceptable was to be found.
 Something special was needed, a gift that he might
 Give to all without angering the left or the right.
 A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
 Each group of people, every religion;
 Every ethnicity, every hue,
 Everyone everywhere - even you.
 So here is the gift, its price beyond worth;

 "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Net Before Christmas
          From: auntieg on 97-12-19

 The Net Before Christmas
 by Jim Trudeau & Jay Trudeau (1991)
 With apologies to Clement C. Moore

 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets
 Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
 The floppies were stacked by the modem with care
 In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
 The files were nestled all snug in a folder
 The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.

 And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse
 I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.
 When up from the drive there arose such a clatter
 I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.
 Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
 Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash...

 The glow from the screen on the keyboard below
 Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.
 When what to my wondering eyes should appear
 But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer
 And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick
 I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.

 More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
 He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name.
 "Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel!
 On Phosphor! On Photon! On Baudrate and Pixel!
 To the top of the stack. To the top of the heap."
 Then each little reindeer made a soft beep.

 As data that before the wild electrons fly,
 When they meet with a node, mount to the drive,
 So up to the screentop the cursors they flew
 With a sleigh full of disks and databits, too.
 And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine
 Of a modem connecting at a baud rate so fine.

 As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown
 St. Nicholas logged on though I thought I was down.
 He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer
 And the words on the screen said "Don't you reboot 'er."
 A bundle of bits he had flung on his back
 And he looked like a programmer starting his hack.

 His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary,
 His cola was jolt, not flavored with cherry.
 His droll little mouth was drawn up like a GIF
 And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift.
 The stump of a routine he held tight in his code
 And I knew he had made it past the last node.

 He spoke not a word but looked right at me
 And I saw in a flash his file was .SEA.
 He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold,
 Into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold.
 And the whispering sound of my hard drive's head
 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

 He went straight to his work without saying a word
 And filled all the folders of this happy nerd.
 And 'tis the whole truth, as the story is told,
 That giving a nod up the window he scrolled,
 He sprang to the serial port as if truly on fire
 And away they all flew down the thin copper wire.

 But I heard him exclaim as he scrolled out of sight
 "Happy Christmas to All, and to all a good night."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Night Before Christmas In Ebonics (S310b)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #280 on 97-12-28
      and From: Grampsboyd on 1/8/2003

 De Ebonics Crimmus Pome

 Wus da nit befo Critmus
 An all thru da hood
 Eberbody be sleepin'
 De wus sleepin real good

 We hunged up our stockins
 And hoped like all heck
 Dat 'ol Sanny Claws
 Gonna bring us our check

 All a da fambly
 Was layin' in dey bed
 While Thunderbird wine
 Danced thru dey heds

 I dun passed out on de flo
 Rite next to my maw
 When I heared such a fuss
 I thank it must be de law
 I looked out thru da bars
 What could I now do
 I wus spectin' the sheriff
 Wid a warrant for sho'

 An what did I see
 Made me say "Laud look at dat"
 Dere wuz a huge watahmelon
 Pulled by 8 big ass rats

 Now ober all de years
 Sanny Claws he be white
 But it looks like us bros
 Gets a black Sanny tonight

 Faster dan a police car
 My homeboy he came
 He whuped up on dem rats
 As he called dem be name
 On Leroy, on Roosevelt
 On Virus, On Willie
 On Yolanda, On Crayola
 On Kcisha and Nefrotilly

 An 'ol Sanny landed dat watahmelon
 Out dere in da street
 I knowed it fo' sho
 Da damndest ting I eber seed

 Dat black Sanny dint go down no chimbly
 He picked da lock on my do'
 And I sez to myself
 "Shit he dun dis befo"

 He had dis big bag
 Ful 'o presents I speck
 Wif Air Jordans and fake gold
 To wear rond' my neck

 But he lef' no presents
 Jus started stealin' my shit
 Got my guns, got my crack
 Eben my Burglars kit

 Wit my shit in his bag
 Ot da windo he flew
 I sho woulda chased him
 But he got my knife too

 He jumped on dat watahmelon
 Wit out a hitch
 He wuz gone in a second
 That son of a bitch

 So nex year I be hopin'
 A white Sanny we git
 Cuz a black Sanny Claws
 Jus' ain't worf a shit.

 Merra Critmu

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Month After Christmas And Fat
          From: RFSlick on 98-01-18

 'TWAS THE
  ..... month after Christmas, and all through the house
  Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
  The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
  At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
  When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
  When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
  I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
  The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
  The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
  And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
  As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
  And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
  I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter
    disguised as a man!"
  So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
  Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
  Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
  "Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
  I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
  I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
  I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
  I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
  I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
  But isn't that what January is for?
  Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
  Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
  Anonymous... >>

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Night Before Release Date
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #35 on 98-02-05

 'Twas the night before release date and all
 through the house, not a program was working,
 not even a browse.
 The Programmers hung by their cubes in despair,
 with hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
 The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
 while visions of working code danced in their heads.

 When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
 I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
 And what to my wondering eyes did appear,
 but a super programmer with a six-pack of beer.
 His resume glowed with experience so rare,
 he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.

 More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
 and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
 On Menu, On Report, On Procedures And Delete,
 On Monitor, On Batch-jobs, On Functions Complete.
 His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
 from weekends and nights spent in front of a screen.

 A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
 soon made it clear we had nothing to dread.
 He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
 turning specs into code; then he turned with a jerk;
 And laying his finger upon the <enter key,
 the software came up and worked perfectly.

 The menues, they menued, the deletes they deleted,
 the reports they reported, and the batch-jobs completed.
 He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
 with nary a stack dump, and all had gone well.
 The software was finished, the tests were concluded.
 Our users' last minute requests were included.

 Then the users exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
 "IT'S JUST WHAT WE ASKED FOR, BUT NOT WHAT WE WANT!"

                            \\\//
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Smiley makes a snowman from Smiley_Central

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