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Subj:.....Planning The Office Party
          From: RFSlick on 1/2/2001
 

 Source: http://mistupid.com/jokes/page011.htm
 

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 During the holidays last year a friend of mine,
 who will remain nameless (LH) collected a series
 of Holiday Party emails from the company's Human
 Resources Director. Following are those mails.
 I trust you will all be much more patient and
 caring... but, will enjoy them.  Remember,
 Christmas Eve was on a Friday, last year.
....................Peace,
....................Jere

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     TO: All Employees
     RE: Christmas Party
     DATE: December 1

 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
 will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the
 banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.  No-host bar,
 but plenty of eggnog!  We'll have a small band playing
 traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't
 be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
 A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M.  Exchange of
 gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,
 no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
 easy for everyone's pockets.  This gathering is only for
 employees!  A special announcement will be made by our
 CEO at that time!
 Merry Christmas to you and your family.
 Patty

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     TO: All Employees
     DATE: December 2
     RE: Holiday Party

 In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
 employees.  We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday
 which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
 this year.  However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
 Party."  The same policy applies to employees who are celebrat-
 ing Kwanzaa at this time.  There will be no Christmas tree
 present.  No Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other
 type of music for your enjoyment.  Happy now?
 Happy Holidays to you and your family.
 Patty

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     TO: All Employees
     DATE: December 3
     RE: Holiday Party
 

 Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
 Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't
 sign your name.  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but
 if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you would
 not be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?
 Somebody?
 Anybody???
 Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed
 since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
 executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
 NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     To: All Employees
     DATE: December 7
     RE: Holiday Party

 What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20
 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating
 and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!
 Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year
 does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps
 Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
 the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else
 package everything for take home in little foil swans.  Will
 that work?
 Meanwhile,
 I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
 farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get
 the table closest to the restrooms.
 Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
 Lesbians do not have to sit with the Gay men, each Group will
 have their own table.  Yes, there will be flower arrangement
 for the Gay men's table.  To the person asking permission to
 cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though.
 We will have booster seats for short people.
 Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.  We can-
 not control the salt used in the food we suggest for those
 people with high blood-pressure problems to taste first.
 There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
 restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.  Sorry!
 Did I miss anything?
 Patty

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     TO: All Employees
     DATE: December 8
     RE: Holiday Party

 So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect
 me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?   Fire regulations at
 Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based
 Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate
 your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
 OKAY???
 Patty

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     To: All Employees
     Date: December 9
     RE: Holiday Party

 People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our
 CEO dress up like Santa Claus!  Even if the anagram of "Santa"
 does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our
 own "little man in a red suit."  It's a tradition, folks, like
 sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving
 turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.  Could we lighten
 up? PLEASE?????????
 Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the
 special announcement at the gathering.  You will get a
 notification in the mail sent to your home.

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
     TO: All #%?$**@ Employees
     DATE: December 10
     RE: The  ?mailto:%#*?^%@*%^Holiday %#*?^%@*%^Holiday
     ?mailto:%#*?^%@*%^Holiday  Party

 I have no #%?*@*^ing idea what the announcement is all about.
 What the %#?^!@ do I care... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!
 You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!!  No
 more changes of address will be allowed in my office.  Try to
 come in and change your address, I will have you hung from
 the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
 Vegetarians!?!?!?  I've had it with you people!!!  We're
 going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether
 you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table
 furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put
 it, and you'll get your #$%^?*!ing salad bar, including
 hydroponic tomatoes.  But you know, they have feelings, too.
 Tomatoes scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.
 I'm hearing them scream right now!
 HA!
 I hope you all have a rotten holiday!  Drive drunk and die,
 you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
 (signed)
 THE BITCH FROM HELL

 -----------------------------------------------------------

     FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
     DATE: December 14
     RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

 I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
 recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to
 forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.  In the meantime,
 management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
 everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
 Happy Holidays!

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