Subj: Banking And Money Jokes
(Includes 59 jokes and articles, 10 1034,10,cf,wYT3b4,3)
Money and Time from
Also see ASIA file
Enters Currency Exchange'
......................- 'Banking Crisis In Japan'
BLONDE2 file - 'Two Blonde Bank Robbers'
CARS1 file - 'A Blonde Borrows $5000 from Bank'
CARS3 file - 'Germans Buy German Cars In USA'
CHURCH-SUPP - 'The Twenty And The One'
COLLEGE PROF - 'The Economics Professor And Socialism'
CONTRACTOR - '6-Year-Old Girl Helps At Construction Site'
DATING3 file - 'Sending A Lady A Bottle Of Wine'
.........DOCTORS1 file- 'Rich Old Man Needs A New Heart'
DOCTOR3 file - 'Seeing A Doctor About Passing Money'
ELDERLY2 - 'Little Old Lady Meets Bank President'
.........FACTS2 file - 'In Line At The Bank'
FACTS3 file - 'Dumb Bank Robber'
FACTS4 file - 'Carolina Bank Robber'
FACTS5 file - 'The Origin of Milled Coins'
......................- 'The Origin Of The Piggy Bank'
FROG file - 'Frog Wants Bank Load'
GRAVEYARD - 'Montana Rancher Dies'
.........IRISH1 file - 'Irish Gang Robs A Bank'
JOBS3 file - 'Bank President Explains Success'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Kissing Daddy Good-Bye'
NATIONAL - 'Money'
NATIONAL2 - 'A Billion In Perspective...'
OTH-ANIM-SUPP- 'Non Sequitur Comic Strip'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Lousiana Quarter'
RELIGION file- 'B.C. Comic Strip'
SWIMMING file- 'Morty And Saul Go Boating'
TAXES file - 'Man Massages Person In Bank Line'
THO-LRN-SUPP2- 'What If Money Were No Object' - Video
THO-TIME-SUPP- 'Comments Made In The Year 1955:'
WAITER file - 'Using A Two Dollar Bill At Taco Bell'
......................- 'Shoe Shop Next To French Restaurant'
......................- 'Treasury Secretary Has Expired Visa Card'
by John Graziano on 10/8/2008
A father took his young son with
him to the bank to take care
of some transactions. Since it was lunchtime, and the bank
branch was downtown, there were a number of business people
in line ahead of them. The father dutifully got into the
rope chutes to wait for the next available teller.
Standing in front of them was
a female executive type, wearing
the latest in corporate fashion and carrying a leather brief-
case with a matching leather purse slung over her shoulder.
There was a pager clipped to the purse, and the woman was
After standing in line for a
few minutes, the son, pointing
to the woman ahead, remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest
butt I have ever seen."
His father, surprised and embarrassed,
chastised his son for
saying things that might hurt someone else's feelings. "Ssshh,
don't say things like that, it isn't nice."
A few minutes later, almost to
the front of the line, the son
again remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have
The father, this time more sternly,
replied, "Be quiet, we are
almost done here. We'll talk about this when we get home."
Just at that moment, the woman's
pager went off. beep..beep..
With that the son yells, "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!"
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (S1003)
By Dan Piraro on 3/29/2016
Subj: Money Riddle (S407b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 11/17/2004
What is the difference between
a dollar and
a half and thirty five-cents.
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
Nothing. A dollar and a half is the
thirty five-cents (nickels). But not the same
as thirty-five cents. Note the dash in five-cents
Subj: The One Dollar Bill (S351b)
From: JBCARY1 on 10/20/2003
| Take out a one dollar
bill, and look at it. The one
dollar bill you're looking at first came off the
| If you look on the
front of the bill, you will see
the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you
will see the scales for a balanced budget. In the
center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used
| If you turn the
bill over, you will see two
circles. Both circles, together, comprise the
Great Seal of the United States. The First
Continental Congress requested that Benjamin
| If you look at the
left-hand circle, you will see
a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the
western side is dark. This country was just
beginning. We had not begun to explore the West
| "IN GOD WE TRUST"
is on this currency. The
Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS,
means, "God has favored our undertaking."
| modified, it is
the seal of the President
of the United States, and it is always
visible whenever he speaks, yet very
few people know what the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as
a symbol for victory for two
reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and
| he is smart enough
to soar above it. Secondly, he
wears no material crown. We had just broken from
the King of England. Also, notice the shield is
unsupported. This country can now stand on its own.
| Above the Eagle,
you have thirteen stars,
representing the thirteen original colonies,
and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away.
Again, we were coming together as one.
| Notice what the
Eagle holds in his talons. He
holds an olive branch and arrows. This country
wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight
to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to
| They say that the
number 13 is an unlucky
number. This is almost a worldwide belief.
You will usually never see a room numbered
13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor.
But think about this: 13 original colonies,
| I always ask people,
"Why don't you know this?"
Your children don't know this, and their history
|teachers don't know this.
Too many veterans have
given up too much to ever let the meaning fade.
Many veterans remember coming home to an America
that didn't care. Too many veterans never came
home at all.
|From: Money Today on May
George Washington's mysterious grimace
when he posed for the painting later
used for his portrait on the dollar bill,
Washington's face was still partly
swollen from a recent fitting of false
teeth. Hence his expression.
Subj: Biker Wants To Open Checking Account (S369)
From: thebartend on 2/13/2004
A crusty old biker walks into
a bank and says to the woman
at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir. I
must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I
said I want to open a damn checking
"I'm very sorry sir, but that
kind of language is not
tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window
and goes over to the bank
manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees
that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window
and the manager asks the old
biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the
man says. "I just won 50
million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn
checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see, " says the manager, "and
is this bitch giving you a
Subj: Non Sequitur Cartoon (S918)
By Wiley Miller on 8/15/2014
Subj: New $200 Bill (DU)
From: pns on 9/14/2003
SEPTEMBER 12--North Carolina
cops are searching for a guy
who successfully passed a $200 bill bearing George W. Bush's
portrait and a drawing of the White House complete with lawn
signs reading "We like ice cream" and "USA deserves a tax cut."
The phony Bush bill--a copy of which you'll find below--was
presented to a cashier at a Food Lion in Roanoke Rapids on
September 6 by an unidentified male who was seeking to pay for
$150 in groceries. Remarkably, the cashier accepted the
counterfeit note and gave the man $50 change. In a separate
incident involving a different perp, Roanoke Rapids cops
Tuesday arrested Michael Harris, 24, for attempting last
month to pass an identical $200 Bush bill at a convenience store.
Subj: Alabama State Quarters (S344b)
From: JBCARY1 on 9/5/2003
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to
any of the new Alabama quarters
if you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
The U.S. Treasury announced it is recalling all of the Alabama
quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from
each state. The quarters are being issued in the order in
which the various states joined the U.S.
"We are recalling all the new
Alabama quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford
"This action is being taken after
numerous reports that new
quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending
machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
"The problem lies in a design flaw," Shackleford said.
The winning design was submitted by an Auburn University student.
"Apparently," Shackleford said,
"the duct tape holding the two
dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Do You Know Your Penny? (S421)
From: igiggle on 2/10/2005
Can you fine the real penny from
these twelve pictures?
Click 'HERE' to test your knowledge.
Subj: Rules For Bank Robbers (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #225 on 97-10-17
According to the FBI, most modern-day
bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by
young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the
first thing about their business. This information was
included in an article titlesd "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The
Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite
of the widespread use of
surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no
disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing
it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing
the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank
robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the
rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank.
Clark advises that you don't
follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried
to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had
no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his
mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller.
Granted, Clark says, this
is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass.,
followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the
street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed
a passing police car, and the police picked him up.
Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and
her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note.
Demand notes have been
written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of
a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the
name and address of another in Detroit, and in East
Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving
the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables.
A man in White Plains,
N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The
police captured him at his house, where he showed them
5. Avoid being fussy. A
robber in Panorama City, Cal.,
gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all
your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All
I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and
6. Don't advertise. A holdup
man thought that if he
smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him
invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his
features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.
Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create
a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows
of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention
7. Take right turns only.
Avoid the sad fate of the
thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up
on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a
military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation.
It is not clever
to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully
described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of
9. Don't be too sensitive.
In these days of exploding
dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead
to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,not to
mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits
in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of
work. One nervous
Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-
gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case
of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when
the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He
was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it
is not surprising that
in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state
officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
Subj: Bugs Bunny On Money (S1011)
From: Michael Lagrimas on Facebook on 5/29/2016
Subj: Another Dumb Bank Robber (DU)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
A true story out of San Francisco:
It seems a man, wanting to rob
a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller window.
He left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
not accept his stick up note because it was written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have
to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank
of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "Ok"
The Wells Fargo teller then called
the police who arrested
the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back
at Bank of America.
Subj: How To Make A Ring From A One Dollar Bill (S392b)
From: Joe Leon on July 31,2004
|You too can make a cool
'One Dollar' ring for
Click 'HERE' to learn how.
Subj: Short Banking Jokes
Subj: States On A Five Dollar Bill (S337b)
From: gheckman on 7/8/2003
All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
I spent 30 minutes looking at
a new five, but
could only find twenty-six states. If someone
can show me the other 24 I would be greatful. Al
Machine - Cartoon (390)
From: mrx on 7/14/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: More About States On A Five Dollar Bill (S340b)
From: jmholmes on 8/2/2003
Source: (Removed from moneyfactory.com)
The vignette on the reverse of the five-dollar note depicts a
likeness of the face of the Lincoln Memorial as it appeared in
1922 when it was first dedicated. At that time, there were
only 48 states that made up the United States of America. The
names of 26 states were engraved on the front of the Memorial.
This is why only the names of 26 states appear in the vignette
on the reverse of the five-dollar note. In the upper frieze
of the fa?ade in the vignette the states are from left to right:
Arkansas, Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa, Wisconsin, California,
Minnesota, Oregon, Kansas, West Virginia, Nevada, Nebraska,
Colorado, and North Dakota. In the lower frieze from left to
right the names of the states are: Delaware, Pennsylvania, New
Jersey, Georgia, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland, Carolina,
New Hampshire, Virginia and New York.
Subj: Old Zeis Cartoon (S1034)
From: Fred's mother on 11/10/2016
Subj: World's Worst Bank Robber (S296)
From: jerry on 10/3/2002
A Miami, Florida bank robber walked into the same bank he
robbed three weeks earlier wearing the same sun glasses
and sports jacket and who was arrested when police were
called down by a teller who recognized him.
A day earlier, while trying to
rob a bank, shot off his
gun while putting it into his pants pocket and got hit by
a van as he ran from the bank, leaving behind too gold
teeth from which his DNA will be extracted for evidence.
Miami Herald (Miami, Florida)
Subj: ATM Scam (S275)
From: slichty on 5/9/2002
The latest ATM scam involves thieves putting a thin, clear,
rigid plastic 'sleeve' into the ATM card slot. When you
insert your card, the machine can't read the strip, so it
keeps asking you to re-enter your PIN number. Meanwhile,
someone behind you watches as you tap in your number.
Eventually you give up, thinking
the machine has swallowed
your card and you walk away. The thieves then remove the
plastic sleeve complete with card, and empty your account.
The way to avoid this is to run
your finger along the card
slot before you put your card in. The sleeve has a couple
of tiny prongs that the thieves need to get the sleeve out
of the slot, and you'll be able to feel them. The police
would like as many people as possible to be aware of this
scam, so pass this on to your friends.
Which denomination of US Currency
an owl and a spider hidden on it?
On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper
left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a
spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
How many states are listed across
the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill?
All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
How many ways are there to make
change for a dollar?
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
Every day more money is printed
for Monopoly than the US
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen.
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard
King was arrested for trying
to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King
used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
If you have three quarters, four
dimes, and four pennies,
you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money
in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
(This would make a GREAT math brain teaser!)
Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.
In California, selling a gold
piece without tooth marks in
it is considered forgery.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/18/2001
"Money doesn't talk, it swears."-Bob Dylan
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/5/2001 (S229)
"A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the
first place"-Harry Anderson
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/18/2001
"I've been sort of crabby lately. It's that time of the
month again -- the rent's due." -- Margaret Smith
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/14/2001
Running into debt doesn't bother me; it's running into
creditors that's upsetting.
From: dogbyte on 10/26/2001 (S250)
The love of money is
the root of all evil,
and man NEEDS roots!
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/10/2002 (S263)
The only thing you cannot live without or within is Income.
From: dogbyte on 3/15/2002 (S268c)
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
From: dogbyte on 3/22/2002 (S268c)
Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten,
and we'll be even!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002
"I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by
four o'clock this afternoon." -- Henry Youngman.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers
from a lack of imagination." -- Oscar Wilde
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/29/2002
"A bargain is something you can't use at a price
you can't resist." -- Franklin Jones
From: Mark Taylor on 7/5/99
Never invest in anything that you have to paint or feed.
-- J. Paul Getty
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 on 98-08-31
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over
and put it back in your pocket.
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/13/2002 (S286b)
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
-- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/1/2002 (S288b)
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can
prove that you don't need it." -- Bob Hope
From: Puneet385 on 10/5/2002 (S296b)
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair
weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
-- Robert Frost
From: KMACINTY on 1/17/2003 (S311)
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
From: DafterLafter on 6/15/2003 (S333b)
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike
today. They are demanding to make less money!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/13/2005 (S455b)
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when
the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it
begins to rain." -- Mark Twain
From: igiggle on 7/26/2003 (S341b)
Mark Twain once said money is twice-tainted.
"T'ain't your, t'ain't mine." -- Mark Twain
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous
to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
For more Twain quotes see 'Twain on Government' in POLITICAL2.
From: Imogenelumen on 8/1/2003 (S341b)
From the wit of George Carlin
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
From: woneye on 8/27/2003 (S344b)
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/7/2003 (S349b)
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you
choose your own form of misery.
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money. -- Henny Youngman
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/11/2003 (S354b)
Money will buy you a bed, but not a good night's
sleep, a house but not a home, a companion but
not a friend.
From: igiggle on 8/26/2004 (S396b)
The younger generation knows more about everything
than the old folks - except making a living.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/14/2002
Q: Why are 1966 pennies worth almost twenty dollars?
A: One Thousand Nine Hundred and Sixty Six pennnies equal
$19.66 which is almost $20.00