>>> Subj:     Banking And Money Jokes                  (Includes 59 jokes and articles, 09795,5,cf)           Click "Here" for Banking-Supp        Or click "Here" for Banking-Supp2

Money ? Time from Animation Factory

Also see ASIA file    - 'Asian Enters Currency Exchange'
......................- 'Banking Crisis In Japan'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Two Blonde Bank Robbers'
         CARS1 file   - 'Man Borrows $5000 from Bank'
         CARS3 file   - 'Germans Buy German Cars In USA'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'The Twenty And The One'
         COLLEGE PROF - 'The Economics Professor And Socialism'
         CONTRACTOR   - '6-Year-Old Girl Helps At Construction Site'
         DATING3 file - 'Sending A Lady A Bottle Of Wine'
         DOCTORS1 file- 'Rich Old Man Needs A New Heart'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Seeing A Doctor About Passing Money'
         ELDERLY2     - 'Little Old Lady Meets Bank President'
.........FACTS2 file  - 'In Line At The Bank'
         FACTS3 file  - 'Dumb Bank Robber'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Carolina Bank Robber'
         FROG file    - 'Frog Wants Bank Load'
         GRAVEYARD    - 'Montana Rancher Dies'
.........IRISH1 file  - 'Irish Gang Robs A Bank'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Bank President Explains Success'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Kissing Daddy Good-Bye'
         NATIONAL     - 'Money'
         NATIONAL2    - 'A Billion In Perspective...'
         OTH-ANIM-SUPP- 'Non Sequitur Comic Strip'
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Lousiana Quarter'
         RELIGION file- 'B.C. Comic Strip'
         SWIMMING file- 'Morty And Saul Go Boating'
         TAXES file   - 'Man Massages Person In Bank Line'
         THOUGHTS-SLLY- 'Money'
         THO-TIME-SUPP- 'Comments Made In The Year 1955:'
         WAITER file  - 'Using A Two Dollar Bill At Taco Bell'
......................- 'Shoe Shop Next To French Restaurant'
......................- 'Treasury Secretary Has Expired Visa Card'
============================================================Top
Subj:     The One Dollar Bill (S351b)
          From: JBCARY1 on 10/20/2003
 

Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it. The one  dollar bill you're looking at first came off the

 presses in 1957 in its present design.  This so-called paper
 money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue
 minute silk fibers running through it.  It is actually
 material. We've all washed it without it falling apart.  A
 special blend of ink is used, the contents we will never
 know. It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched
 to make it water resistant and pressed to give it that nice
 crisp look.
 

If you look on the front of the bill, you will see  the United States Treasury Seal.  On the top you  will see the scales for a balanced budget.  In the  center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used

 for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States
 Treasury.  That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is
 on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know.
 

If you turn the bill over, you will see two  circles. Both circles, together, comprise the  Great Seal of the United States.  The First  Continental Congress requested that Benjamin

 Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal.  It took them
 four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get
 it approved.
 

If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see  a Pyramid.  Notice the face is lighted, and the  western side is dark.  This country was just  beginning.   We had not begun to explore the West

 or decided what we could do for Western Civilization.  The
 Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even
 close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-
 seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity.  It was Franklin's
 belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men,
 with the help of God, could do anything.!

"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The  Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS,  means, "God has favored our undertaking."

 The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a
 new order has begun."  At the base of the pyramid is the Roman
 Numeral for 1776.  If you look at the right-hand circle, and
 check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National
 Cemetery in the United States.  It is also on the Parade of
 Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and
 is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments.  Slightly

modified, it is the seal of the President  of the United States, and it is always  visible whenever he speaks, yet very  few people know what the symbols mean.

 The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two
 reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and

he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he  wears no material crown.  We had just broken from  the King of England.  Also, notice the shield is  unsupported. This country can now stand on its own.

 At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying
 congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one
 nation.  In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM,"
 meaning, "one nation from many people."
 

Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars,  representing the thirteen original colonies,  and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away.  Again, we were coming together as one.

Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons.  He  holds an olive branch and arrows.  This country  wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight  to preserve peace.   The Eagle always wants to

 face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns
 toward the arrows.
 

They say that the number 13 is an unlucky  number.  This is almost a worldwide belief.  You will usually never see a room numbered  13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor.  But think about this: 13 original colonies,

 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes
 on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the
 Latin above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum," 13 stars above
 the Eagle, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive
 branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows.  And,
 for minorities: the 13th Amendment.
 

I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?"  Your children don't know this, and their history

teachers don't know this.  Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all.

From: Money Today on May 15,2004 at http://pf.channel.aol.com/moneytoday/  George Washington's mysterious grimace  when he posed for the painting later  used for his portrait on the dollar bill,  Washington's face was still partly  swollen from a recent fitting of false  teeth. Hence his expression.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Identity Theft - NOT A Joke (S414)
          From: jbcary1 on 12/29/2004

 Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need
 to refer to it someday. Maybe we should all take some of
 his advice!

 A corporate attorney sent the following out to the
 employees in his company.

 1. The next time you order checks have only your initials
    (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If
    someone takes your checkbook, they will not know if
    you sign your checks with just your initials or your first
    name, but your bank will know how you sign your checks.

 2. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card
    accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on
    the "For" line. Instead, just put the last four numbers.
    The credit card company knows the rest of the number,
    and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes
    through! all the check processing channels won't have
    access to it.

 3. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your
    home phone. If you have a PO Box use that instead of
    your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your
    work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks.
    (DUH!) You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have
    it printed, anyone can get it.

 4. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine.
    Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc You will
    know what you had in your wallet and all of the account
    numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the
    photocopy in a safe place.  I also carry a photocopy of
    my passport when I travel either here or abroad.  We've
    all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on
    us in stealing a name, address, Social Security!  number,
    credit cards.  Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firs-
    thand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month.
    Within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly
    cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a
    credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received
    a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record infor-
    mation online, and more.

 But here's some critical information to limit the damage
 in case this happens to you or someone you know:

 1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards
    immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers
    and your card numbers handy so you know whom
    to call. Keep those where you can find them.

 2. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction
    where your credit cards, etc. were stolen. This proves
    to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first
    step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).

 But here's what is perhaps most important of all:
 (I never even thought to do this.)

 3. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations
    immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and
    Social Security number. I had never heard of doing
    that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an
    application for credit was made over the Internet in
    my name. The alert means any company that checks
    your credit knows your information was stolen, and
    they have to contact you by phone to authorize new
    credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost
    two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been
    done. There are records of all the credit checks
    initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I
    knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no
    additional damage has been done, and the thieves
    threw my wallet away. This weekend (someone
    turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead
    in their tracks.

 Now, here are the  numbers you always need
 to contact about your wallet, etc. has been stolen:

  1.)  Equifax: 1-800-525-6285

  2.)  Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742

  3.)  Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289

  4.)  Social Security Administration (fraud line):
       1-800-269-0271

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Taking Your Young Son To The Bank (S410b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/26/2004

 A father took his young son with him to the bank to take care
 of some transactions. Since it was lunchtime, and the bank
 branch was downtown, there were a number of business people
 in line ahead of them.  The father dutifully got into the
 rope chutes to wait for the next available teller.

 Standing in front of them was a female executive type, wearing
 the latest in corporate fashion and carrying a leather brief-
 case with a matching leather purse slung over her shoulder.
 There was a pager clipped to the purse, and the woman was
 quite large.

 After standing in line for a few minutes, the son, pointing
 to the woman ahead, remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest
 butt I have ever seen."

 His father, surprised and embarrassed, chastised his son for
 saying things that might hurt someone else's feelings.  "Ssshh,
 don't say things like that, it isn't nice."

 A few minutes later, almost to the front of the line, the son
 again remarked "Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have
 ever seen."

 The father, this time more sternly, replied, "Be quiet, we are
 almost done here.  We'll talk about this when we get home."

 Just at that moment, the woman's pager went off.  beep..beep..
 beep..beep

 With that the son yells, "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!"

 Thanks Seahour

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Money Riddle (S407b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 11/17/2004

 What is the difference between a dollar and
 a half and thirty five-cents.

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

Nothing. A dollar and a half is the same as
thirty five-cents (nickels). But not the same
as thirty-five cents. Note the dash in five-cents
 

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Biker Wants To Open Checking Account (S369)
          From: thebartend on 2/13/2004

 A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman
 at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."

 The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir.  I
 must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

 "Listen up, damn it.  I said I want to open a damn checking
 account now!"

 "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
 tolerated in this bank."

 The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
 manager to inform him of her situation.  The manager agrees
 that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

 They both return to the window and the manager asks the old
 biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 "There is no damn problem," the man says.  "I just won 50
 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn
 checking account in this damn bank!"

 "I see, " says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a
 hard time?"

                           \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top

Subj:     New $200 Bill (DU)           From: pns on 9/14/2003  SEPTEMBER 12--North Carolina cops are searching for a guy  who successfully passed a $200 bill bearing George W. Bush's  portrait and a drawing of the White House complete with lawn  signs reading "We like ice cream" and "USA deserves a tax cut."  The phony Bush bill--a copy of which you'll find below--was  presented to a cashier at a Food Lion in Roanoke Rapids on  September 6 by an unidentified male who was seeking to pay for  $150 in groceries.  Remarkably, the cashier accepted the  counterfeit note and gave the man $50 change.  In a separate  incident involving a different perp, Roanoke Rapids cops  Tuesday arrested Michael Harris, 24, for attempting last  month to pass an identical $200 Bush bill at a convenience store.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Alabama State Quarters (S344b)
          From: JBCARY1 on 9/5/2003

 WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new Alabama quarters
 if you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
 The U.S. Treasury announced it is recalling all of the Alabama
 quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from
 each state.  The quarters are being issued in the order in
 which the various states joined the U.S.

 "We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were
 recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford
 said Monday.

 "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new
 quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending
 machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

 "The problem lies in a design flaw," Shackleford said.

 The winning design was submitted by an Auburn University student.

 "Apparently," Shackleford said, "the duct tape holding the two
 dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     ATM Drive-Through Banking (S299b, S597b)
          From: auntiegah on 10/25/2002
      and From: tom on 6/25/2008

 ATM drive-through banking instructions:

 Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-
 through" teller machines.  Customers will be able to
 withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.  To enable
 customers to use this new facility the following procedures
 have been drawn up.  Please read the procedure that applies
 to your own circumstances (i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember
 them  when you use the machine for the first time.

 MALE PROCEDURE
 * 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
 * 2 Put down your car window.
 * 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
 * 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
 * 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
 * 6 Put window up
 * 7 Drive off

 FEMALE PROCEDURE:
 * 1 Drive up to cash machine
 * 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
     window to machine
 * 3 Set parking Brake, put the window down
 * 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger
     seat to locate card.
 * 5 Turn the radio down
 * 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
 * 7 Attempt to insert card into machine
 * 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine
     due to its excessive distance from the car
 * 9 Insert card
 * 10 Re-insert card the right way up
 * 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
      written on the inside back page
 * 12 Enter PIN.
 * 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
 * 14 Enter amount of cash required
 * 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
 * 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
 * 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and
      place cash inside
 * 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
 * 19 Re-check make-up again
 * 20 Drive forward 2 feet
 * 21 Reverse back to cash machine
 * 22 Retrieve card
 * 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place
      card into the slot provided
 * 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate
      male drivers queuing behind
 * 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
 * 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
 * 27 Release Parking Break

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The United States One Dollar Bill (S285)
          From: JBCARY1 on 4/20/2002
      and From: coreymac on 7/19/2002

 Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it.  The one dollar
 bill you're looking at first came off the presses in 1957
 in its present design.  This so-called paper money is in
 fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute
 silk fibers running through it.  It is actually material.

 We've all washed it without it falling apart.  A special
 blend of ink is used, the contents we will never know.  It
 is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched to make
 it water resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp
 look.

 If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the
 United States Treasury Seal.  On the top you will see the
 scales for a balanced budget.  In the center you have a
 carpenter's square, a tool used for an even cut.

 Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury.  That's
 all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of
 that dollar bill is something we should all know.

 If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles.  Both
 circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United
 States.  The First Continental Congress requested that
 Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal.
 It took them four years to accomplish this task and another
 two years to get it approved.  If you look at the left-hand
 circle, you will see a Pyramid.  Notice the face is lighted,
 and the western side is dark.  This country was just
 beginning.  We had not begun to explore the West or decided
 what we could do for Western Civilization.  The Pyramid is
 uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to
 being finished.  Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing
 eye, an ancient symbol for divinity.  It was Franklin's
 belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of
 men, with the help of God, could do anything. "IN GOD WE
 TRUST" is on this currency.  The Latin above the pyramid,
 ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored our undertaking."
 The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means,
 "a new order has begun."  At the base of the pyramid is
 the Roman Numeral for 1776.  If you look at the right-
 hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that
 it is on every National Cemetery in the United States.  It
 is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell,
 Florida National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most
 hero's monuments.  Slightly modified, it is the seal of
 the President of the United States, and it is always
 visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what
 the symbols mean.

 The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for
 two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is
 strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it.  Secondly,
 he wears no material crown.  We had just broken from the
 King of England.  Also, notice the shield is unsupported.

 This country can now stand on its own.  At the top of that
 shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a
 unifying factor.  We were coming together as one nation.
 In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM",
 meaning, "one nation from many people".  Above the Eagle,
 you have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original
 colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away.

 Again, we were coming together as one. Notice what the
 Eagle holds in his talons.  He holds an olive branch and
 arrows.  This country wants peace, but we will never be
 afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants
 to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze
 turns toward the arrows.

 They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number.  This
 is almost a worldwide belief.  You will usually never see
 a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th
 floor.  But think about this: 13 original colonies, 13
 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on
 our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin
 above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the
 Eagle, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive
 branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows.
 And, for minorities: the 13th Amendment.

 I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?"  Your
 children don't know this, and their history teachers don't
 know this.  Too many veterans have given up too much to
 ever let the meaning fade.  Many veterans remember coming
 home to an America that didn't care.  Too many veterans
 never came home at all.

 Share this page with everyone, so they can learn what is
 on the back of the UNITED STATES ONE DOLLAR BILL, and what
 it stands for... Otherwise, they will probably never know...

 GOD BLESS AMERICA!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Another Dumb Bank Robber (DU)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-12

 A true story out of San Francisco:

 It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
 walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup.  Put all
 your muny in this bag."  While standing in line,
 waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
 that someone had seen him write the note and might call
 the police before he reached the teller window.

 He left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
 Fargo.  After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
 his note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it and,
 surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the
 brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
 not accept his stick up note because it was written on a
 Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have
 to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank
 of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "Ok"
 and left.

 The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested
 the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back
 at Bank of America.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Rules For Bank Robbers (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #225 on 97-10-17

 According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
 "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by
 young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the
 first thing about their  business.  This information was
 included in an article titlesd  "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
 by Tim Clark, which appeared in  the 1987 edition of The
 Old Farmers Almanac.

 Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of
 surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no
 disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing
 it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing
 the loot.  Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank
 robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the
 rules aren't followed:

 1. Pick the right bank.  Clark advises that you don't
 follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried
 to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had
 no money.  On the other hand, you don't want  to be too
 familiar with the bank.  A California robber ran into his
 mother while making his getaway.  She turned him in.

 2. Approach the right teller.  Granted, Clark says, this
 is harder to plan.  One teller in Springfield, Mass.,
 followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the
 street until she saw him go into a restaurant.  She hailed
 a passing police car, and the police picked him up.
 Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and
 her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
 ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

 3. Don't sign your demand note.  Demand notes have been
 written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of
 a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the
 name and address of another in Detroit, and in  East
 Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving
 the  robber's signature and account number.

 4. Beware of dangerous vegetables.  A man in White Plains,
 N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini.  The
 police captured him at his house, where he showed them
 his "weapon."

 5. Avoid being fussy.  A robber in Panorama City, Cal.,
 gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun.  Give me all
 your twenties in this envelope."  The teller said, "All
 I've got is two twenties."  The robber took them and
 left.

 6. Don't advertise.  A holdup man thought that if he
 smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him
 invisible to the cameras.  Actually, it accentuated his
 features, giving authorities a much clearer  picture.
 Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create
 a  diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows
 of their cars.  They succeeded only in drawing attention
 to themselves.

 7. Take right turns only.  Avoid the sad fate of the
 thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up
 on the Homestead Air Force Base.  They drove up to a
 military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
 tollbooth, offered the security men money.

 8. Provide your own transportation.  It is not clever
 to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully
 described to police.  This resulted in the most
 quickly solved bank robbery in the history of
 Pittsfield, Mass.

 9. Don't be too sensitive.  In these days of exploding
 dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead
 to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,not to
 mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits
 in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

 10. Consider another line of work.  One nervous
 Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-
 gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
 the head and died instantly.  Then there was the case
 of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when
 the teller told him she had no money, fainted.  He
 was still unconscious when the police arrived.

 In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that
 in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state
 officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
 holdups reported.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     How Not To Do A Robbery (DU)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-08,
          Source: http://www.worldvillage.com

 Rothesay, Scotland
 In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the
 Royal Bank of Scotland in Rothesay, when they got stuck in
 the revolving doors.  They had to be helped free by the
 staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the
 building.  A few minutes later they returned and announced
 their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff
 believed them.  When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash,
 the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a
 practical joke.  One of the men jumped over the counter,
 but fell to the floor clutching his ankle.  The other two
 tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in
 the revolving doors again.  They were captured.

 San Francisco, California
 It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,
 walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup.  Put
 all your muny in this bag."  While standing in line,
 waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
 that someone had seen him write the note and might call
 the police before he reached the teller window.  So he
 left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
 Fargo.  After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
 his note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it and,
 surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the
 brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could
 not accept his stick up note because it was written on
 a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either
 have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
 to Bank of America.  Looking somewhat defeated, the man
 said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo.  The Wells Fargo
 teller then called the police who arrested him a few
 minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the
 Bank of America.

 Paris, France
 After being released from jail as the result of a
 clerical error, a bank robber indicated that he wanted
 police to return 500,000 francs ($100,000) he stole
 during several bank raids. "I simply want them to
 return money which was honestly stolen," said Philippe
 Thomas. "It's a scandal to have your savings robbed
 from you like that.

 Bumpus, Tennessee
 A bank robber in Bumpus, Tennessee, handed a teller the
 following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an
 oozy traned on your but.  Dump the muny in a sack, this
 one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you
 a new naval."  Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley
 Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably,
 the rule.  "Right across the board, we see poor pre-
 writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agree-
 ment, spelling and clarity," he moaned.  Smyk believes
 that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if
 criminals could be taught to plan before writing.  "We
 have to stress organisation: Make an outline of your
 robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of
 the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the
 make, model and calibre of the gun, number of bullets,
 etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the
 robbery."

 Bent Forks, Illinois
 In Bent Forks, Illinois, kidnappers of ice-cube magnate
 Worth Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's
 family.  Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper.  It was
 not that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent
 headline from some years before. This was pointed out to
 the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call.  They responded
 by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper.
 Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture.  When this,
 too, was refused, the kidnappers became peevish and insisted
 that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people
 over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of "Success"
 magazine.  They provided a mailing address and were
 immediately apprehended.  They later admitted to FBI agents
 they did not understand the principle involved in the photo-
 graph/newspaper concept.  "We thought it was just some kind
 of tradition," said one.  Educators agree that such mix-ups
 point to poor reasoning and comprehension skills, ignorance
 of current events, and failure to complete work in the time
 allotted.

 Washington, D.C.
 A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few
 days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
 robbery.  At lunch, he went out for a sandwich.  She needed
 to see him, and thus had him paged.  Police officers
 recognised his name and arrested him as he returned to the
 courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

 Radnor, Pennsylvania
 Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a bank robbery
 suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
 connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.  The
 message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
 pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
 wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie detector" was
 working, the suspect confessed. [and if you believe that
 one, you'll believe anything!]

 Ionia, Michigan
 When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,
 refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber,
 the man threatened to call the police.  They still refused,
 so the robber called the police and was arrested.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj:     Short Banking Jokes
 

Top

Subj:     Do You Know Your Penny? (S421)           From:  igiggle           on 2/10/2005

          At: http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=6971
 Can you fine the real penny from these twelve pictures?
 Click on the source above, or click 'HERE' for my version.
 

Top
Subj:     Robbery At The Cirlce-K (S348b)
          From: pns on 9/13/2003
 A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on
 the counter, and asked for change.  When the clerk opened
 the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all
 the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
 The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the
 $20 bill on the counter.  The total amount of cash he got
 from the drawer?  $15. (If someone points a gun at you
 and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

Top
Subj:     How To Make A Ring From A One Dollar Bill (S392b)
          From: Joe Leon on July 31,2004
 

You too can make a cool 'One Dollar' ring for your grandchild. Click 'HERE' to learn how.

Top
Subj:     States On A Five Dollar Bill (S337b)
          From: gheckman on 7/8/2003
 All 50 states are listed across the top of the
 Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

 I spent 30 minutes looking at a new five, but
 could only find twenty-six states.  If someone
 can show me the other 24 I would be greatful.  Al
 

Top

Subj:   ATM Machine - Cartoon (390)         From: mrx on 7/14/2004         at http://www.ezines4all.com/at200406/013.htm

 This cartoon is great.  Makes me want to switch banks.  You can
 view it at the source above, or on my site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     More About States On A Five Dollar Bill (S340b)
          From: jmholmes on 8/2/2003
 Source: http://www.moneyfactory.com/document.cfm/18/123
 The vignette on the reverse of the five-dollar note depicts a
 likeness of the face of the Lincoln Memorial as it appeared in
 1922 when it was first dedicated.  At that time, there were
 only 48 states that made up the United States of America.  The
 names of 26 states were engraved on the front of the Memorial.
 This is why only the names of 26 states appear in the vignette
 on the reverse of the five-dollar note.  In the upper frieze
 of the fa?ade in the vignette the states are from left to right:
 Arkansas, Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa, Wisconsin, California,
 Minnesota, Oregon, Kansas, West Virginia, Nevada, Nebraska,
 Colorado, and North Dakota.  In the lower frieze from left to
 right the names of the states are: Delaware, Pennsylvania, New
 Jersey, Georgia, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland, Carolina,
 New Hampshire, Virginia and New York.
 
 

Top
Subj:     World's Worst Bank Robber (S296)
          From: jerry on 10/3/2002
 A Miami, Florida bank robber walked into the same bank he
 robbed three weeks earlier wearing the same sun glasses
 and sports jacket and who was arrested when police were
 called down by a teller who recognized him.

 A day earlier, while trying to rob a bank, shot off his
 gun while putting it into his pants pocket and got hit by
 a van as he ran from the bank, leaving behind too gold
 teeth from which his DNA will be extracted for evidence.

 Miami Herald (Miami, Florida) 3-Oct-02
 

Top
Subj:     Banker Goes Fishing (S275b)
          From: gheckman on 12/6/2001
 A banker and his friend were fishing one afternoon when
 their boat began to sink.  The banker said, "I can't swim."

 His friend held on to the banker and swam toward the shore.
 After 20 minutes, he grew tired and asked, "Do you suppose
 you could float alone?"

 The banker replied, "Well, this is a hell of a time to ask
 for money!"
 

Top
Subj:     ATM Scam (S275)
          From: slichty on 5/9/2002
 The latest ATM scam involves thieves putting a thin, clear,
 rigid plastic 'sleeve' into the ATM card slot.  When you
 insert your card, the machine can't read the strip, so it
 keeps asking you to re-enter your PIN number.  Meanwhile,
 someone behind you watches as you tap in your number.

 Eventually you give up, thinking the machine has swallowed
 your card and you walk away.  The thieves then remove the
 plastic sleeve complete with card, and empty your account.

 The way to avoid this is to run your finger along the card
 slot before you put your card in.  The sleeve has a couple
 of tiny prongs that the thieves need to get the sleeve out
 of the slot, and you'll be able to feel them.  The police
 would like as many people as possible to be aware of this
 scam, so pass this on to your friends.
 

 Which denomination of US Currency has
      an owl and a spider hidden on it?
 On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper
    left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a
    spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

 How many states are listed across the top of the
      Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill?
 All 50 states are listed across the top of the
    Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

 How many ways are there to make change for a dollar?
 There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

 Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US
    Treasury.

 Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen.

 In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying
 to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.  King
 used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,
 he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

 There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

 The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

 If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies,
 you have $1.19.  You also have the largest amount of money
 in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
 (This would make a GREAT math brain teaser!)

 Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

 In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in
 it is considered forgery.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/18/2001 (S224)
 "Money doesn't talk, it swears."-Bob Dylan

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/5/2001 (S229)
 "A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the
 first place"-Harry Anderson

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/18/2001 (S242)
 "I've been sort of crabby lately. It's that time of the
  month again -- the rent's due."  -- Margaret Smith

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/14/2001 (S246)
 Running into debt doesn't bother me; it's running into
 creditors that's upsetting.

From: dogbyte on 10/26/2001 (S250)
 The love of money is
 the root of all evil,
 and man NEEDS roots!

From: LABLaughs.com on 2/10/2002 (S263)
 The only thing you cannot live without or within is Income.

From: dogbyte on 3/15/2002 (S268c)
 What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

From: dogbyte on 3/22/2002 (S268c)
 Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
 That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten,
 and we'll be even!

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002 (S269c)
 "I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by
  four o'clock this afternoon." -- Henry Youngman.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002 (S269c)
 "Anyone who lives within their means suffers
  from a lack of imagination."  -- Oscar Wilde

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/29/2002 (S269c)
 "A bargain is something you can't use at a price
  you can't resist."  -- Franklin Jones

From: Mark Taylor on 7/5/99
 Never invest in anything that you have to paint or feed.
   -- J. Paul Getty

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 on 98-08-31
 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over
 and put it back in your pocket.

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/13/2002 (S286b)
 Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
   -- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/1/2002 (S288b)
 "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can
  prove that you don't need it."  -- Bob Hope

From: Puneet385 on 10/5/2002 (S296b)
 A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair
 weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
   -- Robert Frost

From: KMACINTY on 1/17/2003 (S311)
 You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

From: DafterLafter on 6/15/2003 (S333b)
 The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike
 today.  They are demanding to make less money!

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/13/2005 (S455b)
 "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when
  the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it
  begins to rain."  -- Mark Twain

From: igiggle on 7/26/2003 (S341b)
 Mark Twain once said money is twice-tainted.
 "T'ain't your, t'ain't mine."  -- Mark Twain

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
 I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous
 to offer me the position.  -- Mark Twain

 For more Twain quotes see 'Twain on Government' in POLITICAL2.

From: Imogenelumen on 8/1/2003 (S341b)
From the wit of George Carlin
 Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

From: woneye on 8/27/2003 (S344b)
 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/7/2003 (S349b)
 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you
 choose your own form of misery.

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366 - quotes-comed)
 What's the use of happiness?
 It can't buy you money.  -- Henny Youngman

From: LABLaughs.com on 11/11/2003 (S354b)
 Money will buy you a bed, but not a good night's
 sleep, a house but not a home, a companion but
 not a friend.

From: igiggle on 8/26/2004 (S396b)
 The younger generation knows more about everything
 than the old folks - except making a living.
 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/14/2002 (S267c)
 Q: Why are 1966 pennies worth almost twenty dollars?
 A: One Thousand Nine Hundred and Sixty Six pennnies equal
    $19.66 which is almost $20.00

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================

Greedy Smiles from Smiley_Central

.
.
.
.