Subj: Banking And Money Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 59 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Banking-Supp
Money ? Time from
Animation Factory
| >>>
Subj: Banking And Money Jokes (Gz) (Includes 59 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Banking-Supp |
|
Money ? Time from Animation Factory |
Also see ASIA file
- 'Asian
Enters Currency Exchange'
......................-
'Banking
Crisis In Japan'
BLONDE2 file - 'Two
Blonde Bank Robbers'
CARS1 file - 'Man Borrows
$5000 from Bank'
CARS3 file - 'Germans
Buy German Cars In USA'
CONTRACTOR - '6-Year-Old
Girl Helps At Construction Site'
DATING3 file - 'Sending A Lady A
Bottle Of Wine'
DOCTORS1 file- 'Rich
Old Man Needs A New Heart'
DOCTOR3 file - 'Seeing
A Doctor About Passing Money'
ELDERLY2 - 'Little
Old Lady Meets Bank President'
FACTS2 file - 'In
Line At The Bank'
FACTS3 file - 'Dumb
Bank Robber'
FACTS4 file - 'Carolina
Bank Robber'
FROG file - 'Frog
Wants Bank Load'
GRAVEYARD - 'Montana
Rancher Dies'
.........IRISH1
file - 'Irish
Gang Robs A Bank'
JOBS3 file - 'Bank
President Explains Success'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Kissing
Daddy Good-Bye'
NATIONAL - 'Money'
NATIONAL2 - 'A
Billion In Perspective...'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Lousiana
Quarter'
SWIMMING file- 'Morty
And Saul Go Boating'
TAXES file - 'Man
Massages Person In Bank Line'
THOUGHTS-SLLY- 'Money'
THO-TIME-SUPP- 'Comments
Made In The Year 1955:'
WAITER file - 'Using
A Two Dollar Bill At Taco Bell'
......................-
'Shoe
Shop Next To French Restaurant'
......................-
'Treasury
Secretary Has Expired Visa Card'
============================================================Top
Subj: Identity
Theft - NOT A Joke (S414)
From: jbcary1 on 12/29/2004
Read this and make a copy for
your files in case you need
to refer to it someday. Maybe
we should all take some of
his advice!
A corporate attorney sent the
following out to the
employees in his company.
1. The next time you order checks
have only your initials
(instead of first
name) and last name put on them. If
someone takes your
checkbook, they will not know if
you sign your checks
with just your initials or your first
name, but your
bank will know how you sign your checks.
2. When you are writing checks
to pay on your credit card
accounts, DO NOT
put the complete account number on
the "For" line.
Instead, just put the last four numbers.
The credit card
company knows the rest of the number,
and anyone who
might be handling your check as it passes
through! all the
check processing channels won't have
access to it.
3. Put your work phone # on your
checks instead of your
home phone. If
you have a PO Box use that instead of
your home address.
If you do not have a PO Box, use your
work address. Never
have your SS# printed on your checks.
(DUH!) You can
add it if it is necessary. But if you have
it printed, anyone
can get it.
4. Place the contents of your
wallet on a photocopy machine.
Do both sides of
each license, credit card, etc You will
know what you had
in your wallet and all of the account
numbers and phone
numbers to call and cancel. Keep the
photocopy in a
safe place. I also carry a photocopy of
my passport when
I travel either here or abroad. We've
all heard horror
stories about fraud that's committed on
us in stealing
a name, address, Social Security! number,
credit cards.
Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firs-
thand knowledge
because my wallet was stolen last month.
Within a week,
the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly
cell phone package,
applied for a VISA credit card, had a
credit line approved
to buy a Gateway computer, received
a PIN number from
DMV to change my driving record infor-
mation online,
and more.
But here's some critical information
to limit the damage
in case this happens to you
or someone you know:
1. We have been told we should
cancel our credit cards
immediately. But
the key is having the toll free numbers
and your card numbers
handy so you know whom
to call. Keep those
where you can find them.
2. File a police report immediately
in the jurisdiction
where your credit
cards, etc. were stolen. This proves
to credit providers
you were diligent, and this is a first
step toward an
investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most
important of all:
(I never even thought to do
this.)
3. Call the 3 national credit
reporting organizations
immediately to
place a fraud alert on your name and
Social Security
number. I had never heard of doing
that until advised
by a bank that called to tell me an
application for
credit was made over the Internet in
my name. The alert
means any company that checks
your credit knows
your information was stolen, and
they have to contact
you by phone to authorize new
credit. By the
time I was advised to do this, almost
two weeks after
the theft, all the damage had been
done. There are
records of all the credit checks
initiated by the
thieves' purchases, none of which I
knew about before
placing the alert. Since then, no
additional damage
has been done, and the thieves
threw my wallet
away. This weekend (someone
turned it in).
It seems to have stopped them dead
in their tracks.
Now, here are the numbers
you always need
to contact about your wallet,
etc. has been stolen:
1.) Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
3.) Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
4.) Social Security Administration
(fraud line):
1-800-269-0271
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Taking
Your Young Son To The Bank (S410b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/26/2004
A father took his young son with
him to the bank to take care
of some transactions. Since
it was lunchtime, and the bank
branch was downtown, there were
a number of business people
in line ahead of them.
The father dutifully got into the
rope chutes to wait for the
next available teller.
Standing in front of them was
a female executive type, wearing
the latest in corporate fashion
and carrying a leather brief-
case with a matching leather
purse slung over her shoulder.
There was a pager clipped to
the purse, and the woman was
quite large.
After standing in line for a
few minutes, the son, pointing
to the woman ahead, remarked
"Dad, that woman has the biggest
butt I have ever seen."
His father, surprised and embarrassed,
chastised his son for
saying things that might hurt
someone else's feelings. "Ssshh,
don't say things like that,
it isn't nice."
A few minutes later, almost to
the front of the line, the son
again remarked "Dad, that woman
has the biggest thighs I have
ever seen."
The father, this time more sternly,
replied, "Be quiet, we are
almost done here. We'll
talk about this when we get home."
Just at that moment, the woman's
pager went off. beep..beep..
beep..beep
With that the son yells, "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!"
Thanks Seahour
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Money
Riddle (S407b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 11/17/2004
What is the difference between
a dollar and
a half and thirty five-cents.
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
Nothing. A dollar and a half is the
same as
thirty five-cents (nickels). But not
the same
as thirty-five cents. Note the dash
in five-cents
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Biker
Wants To Open Checking Account (S369)
From: thebartend on 2/13/2004
A crusty old biker walks into
a bank and says to the woman
at the teller window "I want
to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir. I
must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I
said I want to open a damn checking
account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that
kind of language is not
tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window
and goes over to the bank
manager to inform him of her
situation. The manager agrees
that the teller does not have
to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window
and the manager asks the old
biker, "Sir, what seems to be
the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the
man says. "I just won 50
million dollars in the damn
lottery and I want to open a damn
checking account in this damn
bank!"
"I see, " says the manager, "and
is this bitch giving you a
hard time?"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: The
One Dollar Bill (S351b)
From: JBCARY1 on 10/20/2003
| Take out a one dollar
bill, and look at it. The one
dollar bill you're looking at first came off the |
 |
| If you look on the
front of the bill, you will see
the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used |
 |
| If you turn the
bill over, you will see two
circles. Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States. The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin |
 |
| If you look at the
left-hand circle, you will see
a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the West |
 |
| "IN GOD WE TRUST"
is on this currency. The
Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored our undertaking." |
 |
| modified, it is
the seal of the President
of the United States, and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean. |
 |
The Bald Eagle was selected as
a symbol for victory for two
reasons: First, he is not afraid
of a storm; he is strong, and
| he is smart enough
to soar above it. Secondly, he
wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England. Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own. |
 |
| Above the Eagle,
you have thirteen stars,
representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one. |
 |
| Notice what the
Eagle holds in his talons. He
holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to |
|
| They say that the
number 13 is an unlucky
number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this: 13 original colonies, |
|
| I always ask people,
"Why don't you know this?"
Your children don't know this, and their history |
 |
 |
teachers don't know this.
Too many veterans have
given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all. |
| From: Money Today on May 15,2004
at http://pf.channel.aol.com/moneytoday/ George Washington's mysterious grimace when he posed for the painting later used for his portrait on the dollar bill, Washington's face was still partly swollen from a recent fitting of false teeth. Hence his expression. |
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
| Subj: New
$200 Bill (DU)
From: pns on 9/14/2003 SEPTEMBER 12--North Carolina
cops are searching for a guy
|
||
|
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Alabama
State Quarters (S344b)
From: JBCARY1 on 9/5/2003
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to
any of the new Alabama quarters
if you have them, they may be
worth much more than 25 cents.
The U.S. Treasury announced
it is recalling all of the Alabama
quarters that are part of its
program featuring quarters from
each state. The quarters
are being issued in the order in
which the various states joined
the U.S.
"We are recalling all the new
Alabama quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary
Jack Shackleford
said Monday.
"This action is being taken after
numerous reports that new
quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending
machines, pay phones, or other
coin-operated devices."
"The problem lies in a design flaw," Shackleford said.
The winning design was submitted by an Auburn University student.
"Apparently," Shackleford said,
"the duct tape holding the two
dimes and nickel together keeps
jamming the coin-operated devices."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: ATM
Drive-Through Banking (S299b, S597b)
From: auntiegah on 10/25/2002
and
From: tom on 6/25/2008
ATM drive-through banking instructions:
Please note that the HSBC Bank
is installing new "Drive-
through" teller machines.
Customers will be able to
withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles. To enable
customers to use this new facility
the following procedures
have been drawn up. Please
read the procedure that applies
to your own circumstances (i.e.MALE
or FEMALE) and remember
them when you use the
machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine
and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required
and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and
receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required
amount to align car
window to
machine
* 3 Set parking Brake, put the
window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all
contents on to passenger
seat to locate
card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into
machine
* 7 Attempt to insert card into
machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier
access to machine
due to its
excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Re-insert card the right
way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to
find diary with your PIN
written
on the inside back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter
correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view
mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to
locate wallet and
place
cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of
checkbook
* 19 Re-check make-up again
* 20 Drive forward 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate
card holder, and place
card
into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered
hand signal to irate
male
drivers queuing behind
* 25 Restart stalled engine
and pull off
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 27 Release Parking Break
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: The
United States One Dollar Bill (S285)
From: JBCARY1 on 4/20/2002
and
From: coreymac on 7/19/2002
Take out a one dollar bill, and
look at it. The one dollar
bill you're looking at first
came off the presses in 1957
in its present design.
This so-called paper money is in
fact a cotton and linen blend,
with red and blue minute
silk fibers running through
it. It is actually material.
We've all washed it without it
falling apart. A special
blend of ink is used, the contents
we will never know. It
is overprinted with symbols
and then it is starched to make
it water resistant and pressed
to give it that nice crisp
look.
If you look on the front of the
bill, you will see the
United States Treasury Seal.
On the top you will see the
scales for a balanced budget.
In the center you have a
carpenter's square, a tool used
for an even cut.
Underneath is the Key to the
United States Treasury. That's
all pretty easy to figure out,
but what is on the back of
that dollar bill is something
we should all know.
If you turn the bill over, you
will see two circles. Both
circles, together, comprise
the Great Seal of the United
States. The First Continental
Congress requested that
Benjamin Franklin and a group
of men come up with a Seal.
It took them four years to accomplish
this task and another
two years to get it approved.
If you look at the left-hand
circle, you will see a Pyramid.
Notice the face is lighted,
and the western side is dark.
This country was just
beginning. We had not
begun to explore the West or decided
what we could do for Western
Civilization. The Pyramid is
uncapped, again signifying that
we were not even close to
being finished. Inside
the capstone you have the all-seeing
eye, an ancient symbol for divinity.
It was Franklin's
belief that one man couldn't
do it alone, but a group of
men, with the help of God, could
do anything. "IN GOD WE
TRUST" is on this currency.
The Latin above the pyramid,
ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God
has favored our undertaking."
The Latin below the pyramid,
NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means,
"a new order has begun."
At the base of the pyramid is
the Roman Numeral for 1776.
If you look at the right-
hand circle, and check it carefully,
you will learn that
it is on every National Cemetery
in the United States. It
is also on the Parade of Flags
Walkway at the Bushnell,
Florida National Cemetery, and
is the centerpiece of most
hero's monuments. Slightly
modified, it is the seal of
the President of the United
States, and it is always
visible whenever he speaks,
yet very few people know what
the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as
a symbol for victory for
two reasons: First, he is not
afraid of a storm; he is
strong, and he is smart enough
to soar above it. Secondly,
he wears no material crown.
We had just broken from the
King of England. Also,
notice the shield is unsupported.
This country can now stand on
its own. At the top of that
shield you have a white bar
signifying congress, a
unifying factor. We were
coming together as one nation.
In the Eagle's beak you will
read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM",
meaning, "one nation from many
people". Above the Eagle,
you have thirteen stars, representing
the thirteen original
colonies, and any clouds of
misunderstanding rolling away.
Again, we were coming together
as one. Notice what the
Eagle holds in his talons.
He holds an olive branch and
arrows. This country wants
peace, but we will never be
afraid to fight to preserve
peace. The Eagle always wants
to face the olive branch, but
in time of war, his gaze
turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is
an unlucky number. This
is almost a worldwide belief.
You will usually never see
a room numbered 13, or any hotels
or motels with a 13th
floor. But think about
this: 13 original colonies, 13
signers of the Declaration of
Independence, 13 stripes on
our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in the Latin
above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus
Unum", 13 stars above the
Eagle, 13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive
branch, 13 fruits, and if you
look closely, 13 arrows.
And, for minorities: the 13th
Amendment.
I always ask people, "Why don't
you know this?" Your
children don't know this, and
their history teachers don't
know this. Too many veterans
have given up too much to
ever let the meaning fade.
Many veterans remember coming
home to an America that didn't
care. Too many veterans
never came home at all.
Share this page with everyone,
so they can learn what is
on the back of the UNITED STATES
ONE DOLLAR BILL, and what
it stands for... Otherwise,
they will probably never know...
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Another
Dumb Bank Robber (DU)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
A true story out of San Francisco:
It seems a man, wanting to rob
a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote
"This iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag."
While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to
the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write
the note and might call
the police before he reached
the teller window.
He left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a
few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling
errors that he was not the
brightest light in the harbor,
told him that she could
not accept his stick up note
because it was written on a
Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have
to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit
slip or go back to Bank
of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said "Ok"
and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called
the police who arrested
the man a few minutes later,
as he was waiting in line back
at Bank of America.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Rules
For Bank Robbers (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #225 on 97-10-17
According to the FBI, most modern-day
bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional
crimes," committed by
young male repeat offenders
who apparently don't know the
first thing about their
business. This information was
included in an article titlesd
"How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared
in the 1987 edition of The
Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite
of the widespread use of
surveillance cameras, 76 percent
of bank robbers use no
disguise, 86 percent never study
the bank before robbing
it, and 95 percent make no long-range
plans for concealing
the loot. Thus, he offered
this advice to would-be bank
robbers, along with examples
of what can happen if the
rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank.
Clark advises that you don't
follow the lead of the fellow
in Anaheim, Cal., who tried
to hold up a bank that was no
longer in business and had
no money. On the other
hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank.
A California robber ran into his
mother while making his getaway.
She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller.
Granted, Clark says, this
is harder to plan. One
teller in Springfield, Mass.,
followed the holdup man out
of the bank and down the
street until she saw him go
into a restaurant. She hailed
a passing police car, and the
police picked him up.
Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and
her father, who was next in
line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until
authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note.
Demand notes have been
written on the back of a subpoena
issued in the name of
a bank robber in Pittsburgh,
on an envelope bearing the
name and address of another
in Detroit, and in East
Hartford, Conn., on the back
of a withdrawal slip giving
the robber's signature
and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables.
A man in White Plains,
N.Y., tried to hold up a bank
with a zucchini. The
police captured him at his house,
where he showed them
his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A
robber in Panorama City, Cal.,
gave a teller a note saying,
"I have a gun. Give me all
your twenties in this envelope."
The teller said, "All
I've got is two twenties."
The robber took them and
left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup
man thought that if he
smeared mercury ointment on
his face, it would make him
invisible to the cameras.
Actually, it accentuated his
features, giving authorities
a much clearer picture.
Bank robbers in Minnesota and
California tried to create
a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows
of their cars. They succeeded
only in drawing attention
to themselves.
7. Take right turns only.
Avoid the sad fate of the
thieves in Florida who took
a wrong turn and ended up
on the Homestead Air Force Base.
They drove up to a
military police guardhouse and,
thinking it was a
tollbooth, offered the security
men money.
8. Provide your own transportation.
It is not clever
to borrow the teller's car,
which she carefully
described to police. This
resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery
in the history of
Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive.
In these days of exploding
dye packs, stuffing the cash
into your pants can lead
to embarrassing stains, Clark
points out,not to
mention severe burns in sensitive
places--as bandits
in San Diego and Boston painfully
discovered.
10. Consider another line of
work. One nervous
Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-
gotten gains into his shirt
pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly.
Then there was the case
of the hopeful criminal in Swansea,
Mass., who, when
the teller told him she had
no money, fainted. He
was still unconscious when the
police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it
is not surprising that
in 1978 and 1979, for example,
federal and state
officers made arrests in 69
percent of the bank
holdups reported.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: How
Not To Do A Robbery (DU)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-08,
Source: http://www.worldvillage.com
Rothesay, Scotland
In August 1975 three men were
on their way in to rob the
Royal Bank of Scotland in Rothesay,
when they got stuck in
the revolving doors. They
had to be helped free by the
staff and, after thanking everyone,
sheepishly left the
building. A few minutes
later they returned and announced
their intention of robbing the
bank, but none of the staff
believed them. When they
demanded 5,000 pounds in cash,
the head cashier laughed at
them, convinced that it was a
practical joke. One of
the men jumped over the counter,
but fell to the floor clutching
his ankle. The other two
tried to make their getaway,
but got trapped in
the revolving doors again.
They were captured.
San Francisco, California
It seems a man, wanting to rob
a downtown Bank of America,
walked into the branch and wrote
"This iz a stikkup. Put
all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to
the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write
the note and might call
the police before he reached
the teller window. So he
left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a
few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling
errors that he was not the
brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could
not accept his stick up note
because it was written on
a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either
have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back
to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man
said "OK" and left the Wells
Fargo. The Wells Fargo
teller then called the police
who arrested him a few
minutes later, as he was waiting
in line back at the
Bank of America.
Paris, France
After being released from jail
as the result of a
clerical error, a bank robber
indicated that he wanted
police to return 500,000 francs
($100,000) he stole
during several bank raids. "I
simply want them to
return money which was honestly
stolen," said Philippe
Thomas. "It's a scandal to have
your savings robbed
from you like that.
Bumpus, Tennessee
A bank robber in Bumpus, Tennessee,
handed a teller the
following note: "Watch out.
This is a rubbery. I hav an
oozy traned on your but.
Dump the muny in a sack, this
one. No die packkets or other
triks or I will tare you
a new naval." Dr. Creon
V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley
Educational Council says such
notes are, lamentably,
the rule. "Right across
the board, we see poor pre-
writing skills, problems with
omissions, tense, agree-
ment, spelling and clarity,"
he moaned. Smyk believes
that the quality of robbery
notes could be improved if
criminals could be taught to
plan before writing. "We
have to stress organisation:
Make an outline of your
robbery note before you write
it," he said. "Some of
the notes get totally sidetracked
on issues like the
make, model and calibre of the
gun, number of bullets,
etc., until one loses sight
of the main idea -- the
robbery."
Bent Forks, Illinois
In Bent Forks, Illinois, kidnappers
of ice-cube magnate
Worth Bohnke sent a photograph
of their captive to Bohnke's
family. Bohnke was seen
holding up a newspaper. It was
not that day's edition and,
in fact, bore a prominent
headline from some years before.
This was pointed out to
the kidnapers in a subsequent
phone call. They responded
by sending a new photograph
showing an up-to-date newspaper.
Bohnke, however, did not appear
in the picture. When this,
too, was refused, the kidnappers
became peevish and insisted
that a photograph be sent to
them showing all the people
over at Bohnke's house holding
different issues of "Success"
magazine. They provided
a mailing address and were
immediately apprehended.
They later admitted to FBI agents
they did not understand the
principle involved in the photo-
graph/newspaper concept.
"We thought it was just some kind
of tradition," said one.
Educators agree that such mix-ups
point to poor reasoning and
comprehension skills, ignorance
of current events, and failure
to complete work in the time
allotted.
Washington, D.C.
A convict broke out of jail
in Washington D.C., then a few
days later accompanied his girlfriend
to her trial for
robbery. At lunch, he
went out for a sandwich. She needed
to see him, and thus had him
paged. Police officers
recognised his name and arrested
him as he returned to the
courthouse in a car he had stolen
over the lunch hour.
Radnor, Pennsylvania
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania,
interrogated a bank robbery
suspect by placing a metal colander
on his head and
connecting it with wires to
a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed
in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.
[and if you believe that
one, you'll believe anything!]
Ionia, Michigan
When two service station attendants
in Ionia, Michigan,
refused to hand over the cash
to an intoxicated robber,
the man threatened to call the
police. They still refused,
so the robber called the police
and was arrested.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Banking Jokes
| Subj:
Do You Know Your Penny? (S421)
From: igiggle on 2/10/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: How
To Make A Ring From A One Dollar Bill (S392b)
From: Joe Leon on July 31,2004
 |
You too can make a cool
'One Dollar' ring for your grandchild. Click 'HERE' to learn how. |
| Subj: ATM
Machine - Cartoon (390)
From: mrx on 7/14/2004 at http://www.ezines4all.com/at200406/013.htm |
 |
Top
Subj: Robbery
At The Cirlce-K (S348b)
From: pns on 9/13/2003
A man walked into a Louisiana
Circle-K, put a $20 bill on
the counter, and asked for change.
When the clerk opened
the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all
the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the
clerk and fled, leaving the
$20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer? $15.
(If someone points a gun at you
and gives you money, was a crime
committed?)
Top
Subj: States
On A Five Dollar Bill (S337b)
From: gheckman on 7/8/2003
All 50 states are listed across
the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back
of the $5 bill.
I spent 30 minutes looking at
a new five, but
could only find twenty-six states.
If someone
can show me the other 24 I would
be greatful. Al
Top
Subj: More
About States On A Five Dollar Bill (S340b)
From: jmholmes on 8/2/2003
Source: http://www.moneyfactory.com/document.cfm/18/123
The vignette on the reverse
of the five-dollar note depicts a
likeness of the face of the
Lincoln Memorial as it appeared in
1922 when it was first dedicated.
At that time, there were
only 48 states that made up
the United States of America. The
names of 26 states were engraved
on the front of the Memorial.
This is why only the names of
26 states appear in the vignette
on the reverse of the five-dollar
note. In the upper frieze
of the fa?ade in the vignette
the states are from left to right:
Arkansas, Michigan, Florida,
Texas, Iowa, Wisconsin, California,
Minnesota, Oregon, Kansas, West
Virginia, Nevada, Nebraska,
Colorado, and North Dakota.
In the lower frieze from left to
right the names of the states
are: Delaware, Pennsylvania, New
Jersey, Georgia, Connecticut,
Massachusetts, Maryland, Carolina,
New Hampshire, Virginia and
New York.
Top
Subj: World's
Worst Bank Robber (S296)
From: jerry on 10/3/2002
A Miami, Florida bank robber
walked into the same bank he
robbed three weeks earlier wearing
the same sun glasses
and sports jacket and who was
arrested when police were
called down by a teller who
recognized him.
A day earlier, while trying to
rob a bank, shot off his
gun while putting it into his
pants pocket and got hit by
a van as he ran from the bank,
leaving behind too gold
teeth from which his DNA will
be extracted for evidence.
Miami Herald (Miami, Florida)
3-Oct-02
Top
Subj: Banker
Goes Fishing (S275b)
From: gheckman on 12/6/2001
A banker and his friend were
fishing one afternoon when
their boat began to sink.
The banker said, "I can't swim."
His friend held on to the banker
and swam toward the shore.
After 20 minutes, he grew tired
and asked, "Do you suppose
you could float alone?"
The banker replied, "Well, this
is a hell of a time to ask
for money!"
Top
Subj: ATM
Scam (S275)
From: slichty on 5/9/2002
The latest ATM scam involves
thieves putting a thin, clear,
rigid plastic 'sleeve' into
the ATM card slot. When you
insert your card, the machine
can't read the strip, so it
keeps asking you to re-enter
your PIN number. Meanwhile,
someone behind you watches as
you tap in your number.
Eventually you give up, thinking
the machine has swallowed
your card and you walk away.
The thieves then remove the
plastic sleeve complete with
card, and empty your account.
The way to avoid this is to run
your finger along the card
slot before you put your card
in. The sleeve has a couple
of tiny prongs that the thieves
need to get the sleeve out
of the slot, and you'll be able
to feel them. The police
would like as many people as
possible to be aware of this
scam, so pass this on to your
friends.
Which denomination of US Currency
has
an
owl and a spider hidden on it?
On an American one-dollar bill,
there is an owl in the upper
left-hand corner
of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a
spider hidden in
the front upper right-hand corner.
How many states are listed across
the top of the
Lincoln
Memorial on the back of the $5 bill?
All 50 states are listed across
the top of the
Lincoln Memorial
on the back of the $5 bill.
How many ways are there to make
change for a dollar?
There are 293 ways to make change
for a dollar.
Every day more money is printed
for Monopoly than the US
Treasury.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen.
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard
King was arrested for trying
to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King
used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in
his pocket.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
If you have three quarters, four
dimes, and four pennies,
you have $1.19. You also
have the largest amount of money
in coins without being able
to make change for a dollar.
(This would make a GREAT math
brain teaser!)
Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.
In California, selling a gold
piece without tooth marks in
it is considered forgery.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/18/2001
(S224)
"Money doesn't talk, it swears."-Bob
Dylan
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/5/2001 (S229)
"A fool and his money were lucky
to get together in the
first place"-Harry Anderson
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/18/2001
(S242)
"I've been sort of crabby lately.
It's that time of the
month again -- the rent's due."
-- Margaret Smith
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/14/2001
(S246)
Running into debt doesn't bother
me; it's running into
creditors that's upsetting.
From: dogbyte on 10/26/2001 (S250)
The love of money is
the root of all evil,
and man NEEDS roots!
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/10/2002 (S263)
The only thing you cannot live
without or within is Income.
From: dogbyte on 3/15/2002 (S268c)
What this country needs is a
good five-cent nickel.
From: dogbyte on 3/22/2002 (S268c)
Will you loan me $20.00 and
only give me ten of it?
That way, you will owe me ten,
and I'll owe you ten,
and we'll be even!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002
(S269c)
"I've got all the money I'll
ever need if I die by
four o'clock this afternoon."
-- Henry Youngman.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002
(S269c)
"Anyone who lives within their
means suffers
from a lack of imagination."
-- Oscar Wilde
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/29/2002
(S269c)
"A bargain is something you
can't use at a price
you can't resist." --
Franklin Jones
From: Mark Taylor on 7/5/99
Never invest in anything that
you have to paint or feed.
-- J. Paul Getty
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 on 98-08-31
The quickest way to double your
money is to fold it over
and put it back in your pocket.
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/13/2002 (S286b)
Behind every great fortune there
is a crime.
-- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/1/2002 (S288b)
"A bank is a place that will
lend you money if you can
prove that you don't need it."
-- Bob Hope
From: Puneet385 on 10/5/2002 (S296b)
A bank is a place where they
lend you an umbrella in fair
weather and ask for it back
when it begins to rain.
-- Robert Frost
From: KMACINTY on 1/17/2003 (S311)
You feel stuck with your debt
if you can't budge it.
From: DafterLafter on 6/15/2003 (S333b)
The union workers at the Federal
Mint went on strike
today. They are demanding
to make less money!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on
10/13/2005 (S455b)
"A banker is a fellow who lends
you his umbrella when
the sun is shining, but wants
it back the minute it
begins to rain." -- Mark
Twain
From: igiggle on 7/26/2003 (S341b)
Mark Twain once said money is
twice-tainted.
"T'ain't your, t'ain't mine."
-- Mark Twain
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
I am opposed to millionaires,
but it would be dangerous
to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
For more Twain quotes see 'Twain on Government' in POLITICAL2.
From: Imogenelumen on 8/1/2003 (S341b)
From the wit of George Carlin
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
From: woneye on 8/27/2003 (S344b)
Bills travel through the mail
at twice the speed of checks.
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/7/2003 (S349b)
While money can't buy happiness,
it certainly lets you
choose your own form of misery.
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366
- quotes-comed)
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
-- Henny Youngman
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/11/2003 (S354b)
Money will buy you a bed, but
not a good night's
sleep, a house but not a home,
a companion but
not a friend.
From: igiggle on 8/26/2004 (S396b)
The younger generation knows
more about everything
than the old folks - except
making a living.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/14/2002
(S267c)
Q: Why are 1966 pennies worth
almost twenty dollars?
A: One Thousand Nine Hundred
and Sixty Six pennnies equal
$19.66 which is
almost $20.00
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
  |
Greedy Smiles from
Smiley_Central |
