Subj: Bar1 Jokes
(Includes 32 jokes and articles, 17 1035n,10,cf,wXT2a3,3)
Irish Pub from
Also see BALLS file - 'Woman
Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
BANKING-SUPP - 'Inheriting From Sickly Father'
BATHROOM file- 'Bubba Wins A Toilet Brush'
......................- 'A White And Three Blacks At The Urnals'
BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'A Guy Mates A Chicken'
BIRTHDAYS - 'Wife Takes Husband To Strip Club'
BLACKS1 file - 'Angry Black In A White Bar'
......................- 'Chinese And The Black Bartender'
BLONDE1 file - 'Three Ladies In A Bar'
......................- 'Ten Blondes Chant '51 Days' At Bar'
BLONDE2 file - 'Bartender Spills Beer On Blonde'
......................- 'The Ventiloquist
BUSH file - 'Bush Plans World War III'
CARS2 file - 'Scary Car Ride In Mexico'
CHEMISTRY - 'Two Sodium Atoms'
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Bar Sues Church'
COWBOY file - 'Bar Scene In Tombstone Movie'
......................- 'Two Texans And A Choking Lady'
......................- 'Cowboy In A bar Has His Horse Stolen'
......................- 'Cowboy And Lesbian In A Bar'
COWBOY2 file - 'Blonde Cowboy'
......................- 'A Cowboy Walks Into A Bar...'
DATING1 file - 'Pick-Up Line Retorts'
DATING2 file - 'Girl At Bar Invites Guy To Her Home'
......................- 'Finding A Picture Of The Competition'
DATING3 file - 'Teddy Bears And Sex'
DENTIST file - 'Dentist And A Girl Meet At A Bar'
DOG1 file - 'Aussie Beer Commercial' - Video
......................- 'A Doberman, A Chihuahua, And A Restaurant'
DOG-SUPP - '3 Soda Water Dogs At An English Pub' - Video
......................- 'A Redneck And His Dog'
DRINKING - 'Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar'
DRINKINGBR1 - 'Free Beer!'
......................- 'Penny Beer'
......................- 'Bloke Orders Five Pints'
DRINKBR-SUPP - 'How Beer Works'
FAT file - 'Fat Chick Dancing On A Table'
FISHING2 file- 'Dreaming Of Fishing'
Gay file - 'Football-Pool'
......................- 'Robber In A Gay Bar'
......................- 'Homosexual Sons Discussed At The Bar'
GREEK file - 'Woman In Bar Likes It 'Greek Style''
HALLOWEEN - 'Vampire Walks Into A Vampire Bar'
......................- 'Three Vampires Go Into A Bar'
HANDICAPPED - 'Using Sign Language In A Bar'
......................- 'Man With No Arms Has A Beer'
......................- 'Blind Man Has Beer At Texas Bar'
HARLEY file - 'Drunk Insults Biker In Bar'
HOOKER file - 'Barmail Does Sex For Money'
......................- 'Two Car Salesmen Talk In A Bar'
HOOKER2 file - 'Happy Hour in Bangkok' - Photo/Video
HOWTO file - 'Bud Light Pick-up Line' - Video
HUNTING-CAMP - 'Big_Game Hunter Brigs In Bar'
.........HUNTING-SUPP - 'Non Sequitur Cartoon'
IRISH1 file - 'Paul McCartney Tells A Dirty Joke' - Video
......................- 'Dying Irishman Goes To Bar'
......................- 'Two Irish And An Indian Head At A Bar'
......................- 'Texan In An Irish Pub'
......................- 'Englishman, Scotsman, And An Irishman In A Bar'
......................- 'Irishman Drinks Three Pints Of Guinness'
......................- 'Irish, English And Scots Discussing Their Wives'
......................- 'Kelly And Riley Get In A Fight'
......................- 'Two Irish Meet In A Bar'
IRISH2 file - 'Puddle Fishing'
......................- 'Three English Taunt An Irish'
JEWISH1 file - 'Jewish_Fly'
JEWISH2 file - 'Israeli Stud And The Blonde'
LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyers Are Assholes'
......................- 'Pretending To Be A Lawyer In A Bar'
MARRIAGE2 - 'Husband Goes To Bar, Wife Wants Sex'
MARRIAGE3 - 'Man Murders His Wife'
......................- 'Firing Starter Pistol During Sex'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Guys Discuss Premarital Sex'
......................- 'Husband Comes Home Drunk Every Night From The Bar'
......................- 'Two Drunks At A Bar w/Ice Cubes'
MARRIAGE-SUPP- 'Couple Christmas Shops At The Mall'
MATH2 file - 'Two Math Professors In A Bar'
MATH4D file - 'The Man In The Bar'
MEN3 file - 'Male Translations At A Bar'
MEN4 file - 'Three Guys Discuss Controlling Wives'
MEXICAN file - 'Bounty Hunter In Mexican Bar'
.........NAT-STATES-SP- 'Titty Bar In Wisconsin'
NERD file - 'Nerd Season'
NUNS2 file - 'Nun Confronts Man By Bar'
PEANUT file - 'Guy Hears Voices In A Bar'
PENIS1 file - 'Man Thinks His Wife Is Unfaithful'
......................- 'Gay Bar Requires Dick Naming'
PENIS2 file - 'Texan Has A Baby'
PHONE-SUPP - 'European Fake Cell Phone Commercial' - Video
POLISH file - 'Irish, Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar'
......................- 'Telling Polish Jokes In A Bar'
......................- 'Polack Bar Joke'
POLICE1 file - 'Policeman And The Designated Drunk'
......................- 'Drunk Outside The Bar And The Cop'
.........POLIT-BUSH - 'Bush Plans World War III'
PREACHER file- 'Reverend John Fuzz Enters A Bar'
.........PREGNANT file- 'Three Guys Discuss Vacation'
PSYCHOLOGY - 'Psychology Experiment At A Bar'
PSYCH-SUPP - 'Bubba Went To A Psychiatrist'
REDNECK3 - 'Jesus Sitting At The Bar'
RIDDLE-SUPP - 'Mr. Red, Mr. Green, Mr. Blue'
SEX3 file - 'Elderly Couple Has Sex Behind Bar'
SEX-SUPP file- 'Sex Bar Tab'
SHIP file - 'John's Boat'
SOUTHERN - 'Taxidermist In Alabama Bar'
TATTOOS file - 'Tattoos Of Love'
THO-LRN-SUPP - 'Andy Capp Comic Strip'
TRUCK-BUS - 'Zimbabwea Bus Driver Stops At Bar'
Waiter/Wtress- 'Waitress Says Yes'
WEDDING-HNYNM- 'New Husband Wants To Go To The Bar'
WOMEN1 file - 'A Woman Says Yes For Money'
WORDJOKES1 - 'Lone Ranger And Tonto In A Bar'
BAR1 are others bar jokes and short
BAR2 are "A guy walks into a bar" jokes
Subj: Where Do Astronauts Hangout? (S891d)
From: Gloria Luzzi Maher on Facebook
A man sat all alone in a pub.
He noticed another man sitting
by the door who was greeted by everyone that walked in. The
first man thought "Why am I sitting here all alone when he
seems to know everyone?", so he introduced himself to the
other man who replied "Hi my name is Colin ". The first man
said" You seem to know a lot of people Colin" to which Colin
replied "Yes thats right ,in fact I know every famous person
in the world".
"Don't be so ridiculous!" said
the first man ,and Colin
explained that he could prove this by taking the man to meet
any famous person he could think of. Man said "Ok then
Colin we'll go and see Tom Cruise", "Fair enough"
replied Colin "We'll fly to America tomorrow to visit him".
So Colin and his new friend fly
out to Hollywood and knock
on Tom Cruise's door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts,
"Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right
in and join me for lunch!"
After they leave Cruise's house,
he tells Colin that he
thinks knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Bush", was the quick retort.
"Yep", Colin says, "I know him,
let's fly out to Washington"
and off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots
Colin on the tour and motions
him and his friend over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I
was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come
on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the new friend is very
shaken by now, but still not
totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds,
he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to
name anyone else.
"The new Pope", his new friend replies.
"Probably my best friend in the
whole world, I'll take you to
see him if you like". They are off to St Peter's Square and
Colin says to the man "What I'll do is, I'll go and have a
word with John Paul to see if he'll let me come out on the
balcony with him when he gives his morning message to the
crowd here. If I do go on to the balcony you'll have to
believe that I'm a friend of his, alright?"
"Ok that's fine" replied the
man. At exactly 10 o'clock
Colin walked out on the balcony with the Pope, as he did so
he glanced down at the crowd and noticed that the man had
fainted. Colin made his excuses to the Pope and rushed down
to the Square to see if the man was alright. As he walked
towards the man he was starting to come round and Colin
asked if the man was ok, to which the man replied "Well I
was fine, but when you came out on the balcony with the Pope
the man standing next to me asked "Who the hell's that up
there with Colin?"
Subj: Is It Plastic Or Rubber? (S453b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #214 on 97-12-04
A well dressed lawyer went into
a bar for a martini and
found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept
mumbling and studying something in his hand.
The attorney leaned closer while
the drunk held the tiny
object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like
plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers adding,
"But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
The drunk stammered, "Damn if
I know, but it looks like
plastic and feels like rubber."
The lawyer said, "Let me take a look."
And the drunk handed it over.
The attorney rolled it
between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic
and feel like rubber, but
I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
Amazing Pole Dancing In A Bar (S899d)
From: James Emerson on Facebook
..........At: (Removed from facebook.com/photo)
This girl has amazing pole dancing
skills and athleticisms.
Click 'HERE' to see this amazing pole dance.
Subj: Woman At Bar Will Do Anything For $100 (S97, S768)
From: thebartend on 98-11-30
and From: virv on 9/30/2011
A man was setting at a bar enjoying
an after-work cocktail
when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away
from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare
and walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his
apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted,
the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You
have to tell me what you want me
to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition
for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly
counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young
woman's hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully
said, "Paint my house"
Subj: Screams Come From Bar Bathroom (S271b)
From: thebartend on 4/5/2002
A drunk gets up from the bar
and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard
coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that,
another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The
bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the
drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about
in there?" he yells. "You
are scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the
toilet," slurs the drunk,
"and every time I try to flush, something comes up and
squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door,
looks in, and says, "You
idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Subj: A Pastor, A Priest and a Rabbi..., (S967)
Drawn by Colby Jones on March 8,2015
Posted by Lloyd Stiewig on Facebook
(See 'Priest, Rabbi, and A Duck Walk Into A Bar' in Bar1,
and 'Non Sequitur Cartoon' in Bar2,
and 'Funny Bar Jokes As Videos - Familiar Faces' in Bar-Supp,
and 'Rabbi, Priest, And Preacher Go Into A Bar' in Bar-Supp,
and 'Non Sequitur Cartoon' in Jewish-Rabbi
and 'Reynolds Cartoons' in Farmer-Supp)
Subj: Man Discusses Fight With Wife In Bar (S371b, S617c)
From: thebartend on 2/19/2004
Walking into the bar, Mike said
to the bartender, "Pour me
a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied,
"she came to me on her hands
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under
that bed, you little chicken
Subj: Woman And Boyfriend In A Bar (S476b, S842)
From: thebartend on 2/21/2006
A woman and her boyfriend are
in a bar having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she
starts talking about this really great new drink. The more
she talks about it the more excited she gets and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and
let's her order the drink for
him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following
on the bar: a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of
The boyfriend looks at the items
quizzically and the woman
explains, "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth
and finally you drink the lime juice."
So the boyfriend, trying to go
along and please her, goes for
it. He puts the salt on his tongue - salty but okay. He
drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks - this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice
and drinks it...
At one second the sharp lime
taste hits, at two seconds the
Baileys curdles, at three seconds the salty curdled bitter
taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly,
and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the
now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down
he turns to his girlfriend.
She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it?
It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge'."
A Girl In A Bar (S466d)
From: jbcary1 on 12/25/2005
This is a cute, funny, commercial
for Danter Leather. In
it a girl in a bar who finds revenge. You can view it on
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Man Helps Drunk Lady Walk Home (S456b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/14/2005
A man was leaving the local pub
at closing time, just after
the bartender said "last call for alcohol". The man noticed
a lady that had staggered out the door and fallen on her
face in the snow. Being a nice guy, he proceeded to help
her up. He told her,"It looks like you have had too much
to drink tonight. Let me help walk you home for safety
She replied, "Sure, whatever
you want." On the way home,
the lady kept saying, "You're passionate, you're
passionate," with slurredspeech, over and over again to the
The man said, "Thank you very
much; those are nice words,
but I don't like to take advantage of drunk women." The lady
said, "No! Are you stupid or something? I've been trying to
tell you that you're passionate, but you just keep dragging
me along. I said you're passionate - you passed my house
four blocks ago and I need a drink!"
Subj: Angry Man Comes Into Bar (S421b, DU)
From: DoctorDebt on 2/11/2005
Coming into the bar and ordering
a double, the man leaned
over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman
who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and
we were just about to make love when her damned husband
came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom
window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really
got me," the customer
went on. "When her husband came into the room he said
'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the
window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook
his head. "No wonder you're in
a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you
what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what
pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow
rattled on, "But do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and
saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."
Subj: A Girl Named Carmen (S391b, DU)
From: mrx on 7/18/2004
A guy walked into a pub and immediately
noticed a young lady
at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided
to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted.
"What's your name?" he asked her.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name. Did your
mother or father name you
"Neither. I changed my name when
I was eighteen from
Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like
men and I like cars, so that
is how I got my name. What's your name?"
"Beerpussy," the man replied.
Subj: How's Waldo? (S889d)
Drawn by Paul Norh
From: George Takei on 12/5/2013
Source: Tom Howard's Photos on Facebook
Subj: All Drinks 10 cents (S337)
From: DoctorDebt on 7/14/2003
Four retired guys are walking
down a street in Milwaukee.
Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's
Bar " ..." ALLDRINKS 10 CENTS !". They look at each other,
then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries
across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you,
what'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked
bar, so the men all ask
for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4
iced martinis -- and says, "That'll be 10 cents each,
please." They can't believe their good luck. They pay
the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another
round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with
the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than
they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far
they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men couldn't
stand it any longer and
asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired
tailor from Brooklyn, and
I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery
for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink
costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story" says
one of the men. The four
of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a
drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered any thing the
whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three
at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,
"What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're
from Florida, they're waiting
for happy hour."
Subj: Naming The New Bar (S322)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/29/2003
One day, a stranger approached
a new bar. There was a sign
on the window that read, "Come inside and tell me what you
think I should name my new bar. If it's a good name, I'll
give you free drinks for the rest of your life." The
stranger entered and got in line for his turn at the naming.
The first guy said, "How about
'Fred's Bar'?" The bartender
replied, "No, I don't like that."
The second guy said, "How about
'Hank's Bar'?" "No," said
the bartender, "I think that is too plain of a name."
This continued for hours.
Finally, it came time for the
stranger to have his turn. "How about 'Lucy's Legs'?"
The bartender was overcome with
happiness and instructed
the stranger to come back in the morning for the start of
his free drinks.
The next morning, the stranger
returned and was standing
around waiting for the bar to open, when a cop drove by
very slowly. The cop went around the block a few times
and finally pulled over to the side and asked the stranger
why he was just standing around in front of the bar so
early in the morning.
The stranger replied, "I'm waiting
for lucy's legs to open
up so I can get my free drink."
Subj: Lieing To The Bartender (S276)
From: twistedhumor.com on 12/12/2000
A man in a bar had a couple of
beers, and the bartender
told him he owed 4 dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then went outside and
told a friend that the
bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills.
The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When
it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you
say you paid, I'll take your
word for it."
Soon the customer went into the
street, saw an old friend,
and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar
and began to drink high balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You
know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men
were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that
they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get
punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles,"
the final patron
responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Subj: Andy Capp Comic Strips (S609c)
By Reg Smythe on 9/12/2008
Subj: Bar Room Chat Translations: (S81)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
"You get this one, next round
is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
"I'll get this one, next one
is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar,
but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
"Hey, where is that friend of
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get
your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
(female) "Can I get a glass of
(male) "Can I get a glass of
(male to female) "Ever try a
(I'm even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get
to lick you.)
(female to male) "Ever try a
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what
I'll do to you on the ride home?)
(female) "I don't feel well,
let's go home."
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
(male) "I don't feel well, let's
"Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but
I'm an expert at diverting attention.)
"What do you have on tap?"
(male) "Can I have a white Russian?"
(I'm really gay.)
(female) "Can I have a white
(I'm really easy.)
"That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
(female) "Can I just get a glass
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
(male) "Can I just get a glass
(I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)
(female) "I don't have my ID
(I'm only 19.)
(male) "I don't have my ID on
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and
blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
(male to male) Excuse Me."
(Get the fuck out of the way.)
(male to female) "Excuse Me."
(I'm going to grope you now.)
(female to male) "Excuse Me."
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck
out of the way.)
And the best one,
(female to female) "Excuse Me."
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You
are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that
you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your
eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch like the slut
that you are.
Subj: Two Blokes, A Suit, And A Goldfish (S123)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
(Also see 'Logic And The Weed-Eater' in COLLEGE1)
There were two blokes called
Tom and Dick at the pub. They
were regulars to the pub and were both truckies. A profess-
ional looking man walks in the front door arming the alarm
on his Ferrari.
Not many "suits" enter the pub,
so Tom and Dick are instantly
curious. The suit walks past them into the mens room. Tom
and Dick are discussing what they think the man does for a
living. Tom thought he was an accountant and Dick thought
he was a lawyer. "I am going to go in there and ask him",
says Tom standing up.
When he went in the mens room,
the "suit" was washing his
hands. "G'day", says Tom. "My mate and I were just wondering
what you do for a job."
"I am a logical scientist", says the suit.
TOM: what's that then?
SUIT: I'll give you an example. Do you own a goldfish.
TOM: Yeh, what about it?
SUIT: Then it is logical to assume
that you keep it in a
tank or a pond.
TOM: I keep it in a pond.
SUIT: Well, having a pond it
is logical to assume that you
live in a big house. And you wouldn't live in it by your-
self, would you?
TOM: No, I am married with 5 children.
SUIT: That is a lot of kids.
It would be logical to assume
that you are active with your wife.
TOM: That's right. Every night!
SUIT: With that knowledge I can
assume that you don't
masturbate very often.
TOM: No way.
SUIT: You see. That is
my job. From learning that you have
a goldfish I have figured out many parts of your life.
Tom left the mens room and went back to Dick.
DICK: Well, what does he do.
TOM: He is a logical scientist.
DICK: What is that?
TOM: I will give you an example. Do you own a goldfish?
TOM: Then you are a wanker.
Subj: Heartburn (S25)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-13
A very inebriated lady walked
into a bar shortly before
closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender,
barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender
brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another
Martoutsy", again the
bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady
is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She
called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heart-
Patiently, the bartender came
near her and said, "Lady,
I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have
been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and
finally, you do not have heartburn, your tit is hanging
in the ashtray."
Subj: Priest, Rabbi, and A Duck Walk Into A Bar (S1012)
Drawn by Mark Lynch
(See 'A Pastor, A Priest and a Rabbi...,' in Bar1,
and 'Non Sequitur Cartoon' in Bar2,
and 'Funny Bar Jokes As Videos - Familiar Faces' in Bar-Supp,
and 'Rabbi, Priest, And Preacher Go Into A Bar' in Bar-Supp,
and 'Non Sequitur Cartoon' in Jewish-Rabbi
and 'Reynolds Cartoons' in Farmer-Supp)
Man in a bar sees three good-looking
women at a table,
fondling each other. As he watches, two of them get up
and start to slow-dance together. The third walks over
and sits on the bar stool next to him.
As she hikes her skirt up high,
showing him lots of leg,
he thinks maybe she swings both ways. She's got her legs
parted, showing off a nice, trim snatch. He's trying to
find a comfortable way to arrange the bulge in his pants,
when she leans toward him and says, "Would you like to smell
some nice, fresh pussy?"
He just knows he's gotten lucky,
and answers, "You know it,
baby!" She leans a little farther forward, smiles, and
blows a breath of air in his face.
Subj: Two Dykes At A Bar (S353b)
(See 'Cowboy And Lesbian In A Bar' in COWBOY)
A young man walks into a bar
and notices two lovley young
blond women sitting down. He tells the bartender: "I'd
like to buy those two ladies a drink." The bartender
gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that
is a good idea. You see they're lesbians."
"Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't
know what you're talking
about." So the bartender responded, "Why don't you go over
there and ask them?"
The young man walked over to
the women and asked, "I hear
you are lesbians, what does that mean?" One answered politely,
"we'll we like to kiss, suck each others tits...."
The young man yells to the bartender,
"Hey get us three
drinks here for us lesbians!"
Subj: Offended Woman At A Bar
(See 'Doctor, A Woman, And A Cunt Of Ice Cream' in DOCTOR1)
A young woman was sitting in
a bar when a man walked over and
said "excuse me I would like to throw you down and make love
to you". The woman, who was somewhat offended asked him to
A few minutes later he returned
to her and said "I would like
to throw you on the bar and bang the hell out of you right now!"
The woman again asked him to leave.
He returns a third time and says
" I would like to turn you
upside down, fill your pussy with beer and suck it out with
a straw: The woman, who is now very offended calls her boy-
friend over to take care of the problem.
She tells him of the first offer,
and he rolls up one sleeve.
She tells him of the second offer, and he rolls up the other
sleeve. She tells him the third offer, and he rolls down both
sleeves. Whats wrong? she asks, aren't you going to take
care of him? No, he replies I'm not messing with anyone who
can drink that much beer.
Subj: Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S912)
By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins on 7/8/12
Subj: The Golden Saloon (S283b)
From: thebartend on 7/2/2002
A guy comes home three sheets
to the wind and all three
sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his
belly like a keg adrift in a hurricane. He loop-legs
through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling,
figuring he's been out jumping new bones.
"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new saloon,"
he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is!
Joint's got huge golden doors,
a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe
his story, and so the next
day she checks the phone book, finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check
her old man's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?"
she asks when the bartender
answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the
woman hears the bartender
yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that
pissed in your saxophone last night!"
Subj: Son Is Born With Just A Head (S49, S479)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #272 on 97-12-10
and From: gattica30 on 3/24/2006
A man is waiting for his wife
to give birth. The doctor
comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without
torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
The dad loves his son and raises
him as well as he can, with
love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough
for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully
tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest,
strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking
on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then
bursts into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his
head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The
father, crying and wailing, begs his
son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole
affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink
and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The
father thanks God. The boy stands up
on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right....
right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
into him and kills him.
The bar falls silent. The
father moans in grief. The bartender
cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father
looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so
cold and callous?"
The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Subj: The Wizard of Id Comic Strip (S621)
by Parker and Hart on 12/05/2008