bar1

.
.

>>>
Subj: Bar1 Jokes
(Includes 28 jokes and articles, 29676n,3)

Irish Pub from
Degsworld

BAR1 are others bar jokes and short bar -jokes
BAR2 are "A guy walks into a bar" jokes
============================================================Top

Subj:     A Girl In A Bar (S466)
          From: jbcary1
          on 12/25/2005

A cute, commercial movie. You can view it on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Woman And Boyfriend In A Bar (S476b)
          From: thebartend on 2/21/2006

A woman and her boyfriend are in a bar having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she
starts talking about this really great new drink. The more
she talks about it the more excited she gets and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and let's her order the drink for
him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following
on the bar: a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of
lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman
explains, "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth
and finally you drink the lime juice."

So the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her goes for
it. He puts the salt on his tongue - salty but okay. He
drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks - this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice
and drinks it...

At one second the sharp lime taste hits, at two seconds the
Baileys curdles, at three seconds the salty curdled bitter
taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly,
and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the
now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.
She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it?
It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge'."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Man Helps Drunk Lady Walk Home (S456b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/14/2005

A man was leaving the local pub at closing time, just after
the bartender said "last call for alcohol". The man noticed
a lady that had staggered out the door and fallen on her
face in the snow. Being a nice guy, he proceeded to help
her up. He told her,"It looks like you have had too much
to drink tonight. Let me help walk you home for safety
and warmth."

She replied, "Sure, whatever you want." On the way home,
the lady kept saying, "You're passionate, you're
passionate," with slurredspeech, over and over again to the
nice man.

The man said, "Thank you very much; those are nice words,
but I don't like to take advantage of drunk women." The lady
said, "No! Are you stupid or something? I've been trying to
tell you that you're passionate, but you just keep dragging
me along. I said you're passionate - you passed my house
four blocks ago and I need a drink!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Angry Man Comes Into Bar (S421b, DU)
          From: DoctorDebt on 2/11/2005

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned
over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and
we were just about to make love when her damned husband
came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom
window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer
went on. "When her husband came into the room he said
'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the
window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in
a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and
saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     A Girl Named Carmen (S391b, DU)
          From: mrx on 7/18/2004

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady
at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided
to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted.

"What's your name?" he asked her.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you
that?"

"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from
Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that
is how I got my name. What's your name?"

"Beerpussy," the man replied.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Man Discusses Fight With Wife In Bar (S371b, S617c)
          From: thebartend on 2/19/2004

Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me
a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands
and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken
shit."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     All Drinks 10 cents (S337)
          From: DoctorDebt on 7/14/2003

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee.
Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's
Bar " ..." ALLDRINKS 10 CENTS !". They look at each other,
then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries
across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you,
what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask
for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4
iced martinis -- and says, "That'll be 10 cents each,
please." They can't believe their good luck. They pay
the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another
round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with
the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than
they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far
they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and
asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and
I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery
for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink
costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four
of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a
drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered any thing the
whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three
at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,
"What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're from Florida, they're waiting
for happy hour."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Naming The New Bar (S322)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/29/2003

One day, a stranger approached a new bar. There was a sign
on the window that read, "Come inside and tell me what you
think I should name my new bar. If it's a good name, I'll
give you free drinks for the rest of your life." The
stranger entered and got in line for his turn at the naming.

The first guy said, "How about 'Fred's Bar'?" The bartender
replied, "No, I don't like that."

The second guy said, "How about 'Hank's Bar'?" "No," said
the bartender, "I think that is too plain of a name."

This continued for hours. Finally, it came time for the
stranger to have his turn. "How about 'Lucy's Legs'?"

The bartender was overcome with happiness and instructed
the stranger to come back in the morning for the start of
his free drinks.

The next morning, the stranger returned and was standing
around waiting for the bar to open, when a cop drove by
very slowly. The cop went around the block a few times
and finally pulled over to the side and asked the stranger
why he was just standing around in front of the bar so
early in the morning.

The stranger replied, "I'm waiting for lucy's legs to open
up so I can get my free drink."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Lieing To The Bartender (S276)
          From: http://www.twistedhumor.com/ on 12/12/2000

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender
told him he owed 4 dollars.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.

"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then went outside and told a friend that the
bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills.
The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When
it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.

The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your
word for it."

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend,
and told him how to get free drinks.

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You
know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men
were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that
they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get
punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron
responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Screams Come From Bar Bathroom (S271b)
          From: thebartend on 4/5/2002

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard
coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that,
another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The
bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the
drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You
are scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk,
"and every time I try to flush, something comes up and
squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You
idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Looser Gets Lucky In A Bar (DU)
          From: RFSlick on 98-12-23

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands,
"Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so
mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing
that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours
him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the
drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours
the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why
don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're
so upset?

So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the
bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and
actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this
has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a
fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel
this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over,
licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't
believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes,
so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So,
of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be
true."

He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice
hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door,
she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing!
I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my
clothes. But, as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear
some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the
door."

"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must
have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real
mad. Quick, hide!'"

"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably
the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there.
Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound
to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the
lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and
was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy would
not see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit
frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open
and he yells out, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'
The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm
down.'"

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear
the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm
thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I
hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room.
Good thing I didn't hide under there either. I heard
him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think,
'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

The blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and
convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go
into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time
and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something,
when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding
hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I
mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my
scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off
for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the
guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my
hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess.
I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah,
buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off." The bartender
then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally
piss you off?"

"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked
down and I was only about 6 inches off the ground."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top

Subj:     Andy Capp Comic Strips (S609c)
          By Reg Smythe
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 9/12/2008

Source: http://comics.washingtonpost.com/11_comics_andy-capp.html

These comic strip discusses love at first sight and other
silly issues. You can read it on my site by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Bar Room Chat Translations: (S81)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-12

"You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar,
but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get
your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

(female) "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel."
(I'm easy.)

(male) "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel."
(I'm gay.)

(male to female) "Ever try a body shot?"
(I'm even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get
to lick you.)

(female to male) "Ever try a body shot?"
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what
I'll do to you on the ride home?)

(female) "I don't feel well, let's go home."
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

(male) "I don't feel well, let's go home."
(I'm horny.)

"Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but
I'm an expert at diverting attention.)

"What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

(male) "Can I have a white Russian?"
(I'm really gay.)

(female) "Can I have a white Russian?"
(I'm really easy.)

"That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

(female) "Can I just get a glass of water?"
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

(male) "Can I just get a glass of water?"
(I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)

(female) "I don't have my ID on me."
(I'm only 19.)

(male) "I don't have my ID on me."
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and
blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

(male to male) Excuse Me."
(Get the fuck out of the way.)

(male to female) "Excuse Me."
(I'm going to grope you now.)

(female to male) "Excuse Me."
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck
out of the way.)

And the best one,
(female to female) "Excuse Me."
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You
are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that
you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your
eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch like the slut
that you are.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Woman At Bar Will Do Anything For $100 (S97)
          From: thebartend on 98-11-30

A man was setting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail
when an exceptionally gorgeous ? sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away
from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare ?
walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies
for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the
condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what
you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her
proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket ?
slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young
woman's hand. He looked into her eyes ? slowly, meaningfully said,
"Paint my house"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Two Blokes, A Suit, And A Goldfish (S123)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
          (Also see 'Logic And The Weed-Eater' in COLLEGE1)

There were two blokes called Tom and Dick at the pub. They
were regulars to the pub and were both truckies. A profess-
ional looking man walks in the front door arming the alarm
on his Ferrari.

Not many "suits" enter the pub, so Tom and Dick are instantly
curious. The suit walks past them into the mens room. Tom
and Dick are discussing what they think the man does for a
living. Tom thought he was an accountant and Dick thought
he was a lawyer. "I am going to go in there and ask him",
says Tom standing up.

When he went in the mens room, the "suit" was washing his
hands. "G'day", says Tom. "My mate and I were just wondering
what you do for a job."

"I am a logical scientist", says the suit.

TOM: what's that then?

SUIT: I'll give you an example. Do you own a goldfish.

TOM: Yeh, what about it?

SUIT: Then it is logical to assume that you keep it in a
tank or a pond.

TOM: I keep it in a pond.

SUIT: Well, having a pond it is logical to assume that you
live in a big house. And you wouldn't live in it by your-
self, would you?

TOM: No, I am married with 5 children.

SUIT: That is a lot of kids. It would be logical to assume
that you are active with your wife.

TOM: That's right. Every night!

SUIT: With that knowledge I can assume that you don't
masturbate very often.

TOM: No way.

SUIT: You see. That is my job. From learning that you have
a goldfish I have figured out many parts of your life.

Tom left the mens room and went back to Dick.

DICK: Well, what does he do.

TOM: He is a logical scientist.

DICK: What is that?

TOM: I will give you an example. Do you own a goldfish?

DICK: No.

TOM: Then you are a wanker.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Heartburn (S25)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-13

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before
closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender,
barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender
brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the
bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady
is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She
called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heart-
burn."

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady,
I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have
been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and
finally, you do not have heartburn, your tit is hanging
in the ashtray."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Three Dykes At A Bar (DU)

Man in a bar sees three good-looking women at a table,
fondling each other. As he watches, two of them get up
and start to slow-dance together. The third walks over
and sits on the bar stool next to him.

As she hikes her skirt up high, showing him lots of leg,
he thinks maybe she swings both ways. She's got her legs
parted, showing off a nice, trim snatch. He's trying to
find a comfortable way to arrange the bulge in his pants,
when she leans toward him and says, "Would you like to smell
some nice, fresh pussy?"

He just knows he's gotten lucky, and answers, "You know it,
baby!" She leans a little farther forward, smiles, and
blows a breath of air in his face.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Two Dykes At A Bar (S353b)
          (See 'Cowboy And Lesbian In A Bar' in COWBOY)

A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovley young
blond women sitting down. He tells the bartender: "I'd
like to buy those two ladies a drink." The bartender
gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that
is a good idea. You see they're lesbians."

"Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't know what you're talking
about." So the bartender responded, "Why don't you go over
there and ask them?"

The young man walked over to the women and asked, "I hear
you are lesbians, what does that mean?" One answered politely,
"we'll we like to kiss, suck each others tits...."

The young man yells to the bartender, "Hey get us three
drinks here for us lesbians!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Offended Woman At A Bar
          (See 'Doctor, A Woman, And A Cunt Of Ice Cream' in DOCTOR1)

A young woman was sitting in a bar when a man walked over and
said "excuse me I would like to throw you down and make love
to you". The woman, who was somewhat offended asked him to
leave.

A few minutes later he returned to her and said "I would like
to throw you on the bar and bang the hell out of you right now!"
The woman again asked him to leave.

He returns a third time and says " I would like to turn you
upside down, fill your pussy with beer and suck it out with
a straw: The woman, who is now very offended calls her boy-
friend over to take care of the problem.

She tells him of the first offer, and he rolls up one sleeve.
She tells him of the second offer, and he rolls up the other
sleeve. She tells him the third offer, and he rolls down both
sleeves. Whats wrong? she asks, aren't you going to take
care of him? No, he replies I'm not messing with anyone who
can drink that much beer.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Two Guys Have A Gun Pointed At Them At A Bar

Two guys walk into a bar. One is a huge monster of a man,
and the other a slight, small man. They walk up to the bar
and order drinks. About that time, a thief walks into the
bar brandishing a gun. He walks up to the big guy, points
the gun at his head, and says, "you've got fifteen minutes
to live, what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"

The big guy says, " I want to fuck everything that moves!"

The thief points the gun at the little guy and asks, "you've
got fifteen minutes to live, what do YOU want to do?"

The little guy says, "Stand real still!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The Golden Saloon (S283b)
          From: thebartend on 7/2/2002

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three
sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his
belly like a keg adrift in a hurricane. He loop-legs
through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling,
figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors,
a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and so the next
day she checks the phone book, finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check
her old man's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender
answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that
pissed in your saxophone last night!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Colin's Friends (S31, S513)
          From: Rich One's Joke Page
      and From: drgolfmd on 11/18/2006

A man sat all alone in a pub. He noticed another man sitting
by the door who was greeted by everyone that walked in. The
first man thought "Why am I sitting here all alone when he
seems to know everyone?", so he introduced himself to the
other man who replied "Hi my name is Colin ". The first man
said" You seem to know a lot of people Colin" to which Colin
replied "Yes thats right ,in fact I know every famous person
in the world".

"Don't be so ridiculous!" said the first man ,and Colin
explained that he could prove this by taking the man to meet
any famous person he could think of. Man said "Ok then
Colin we'll go and see Tom Cruise", "Fair enough"
replied Colin "We'll fly to America tomorrow to visit him".

So Colin and his new friend fly out to Hollywood and knock
on Tom Cruise's door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts,
"Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right
in and join me for lunch!"

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he
thinks knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

"President Bush", was the quick retort.

"Yep", Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington"
and off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions
him and his friend over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I
was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come
on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the new friend is very shaken by now, but still not
totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds,
he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to
name anyone else.

"The new Pope", his new friend replies.

"Probably my best friend in the whole world, I'll take you to
see him if you like". They are off to St Peter's Square and
Colin says to the man "What I'll do is, I'll go and have a
word with John Paul to see if he'll let me come out on the
balcony with him when he gives his morning message to the
crowd here. If I do go on to the balcony you'll have to
believe that I'm a friend of his, alright?"

"Ok that's fine" replied the man. At exactly 10 o'clock
Colin walked out on the balcony with the Pope, as he did so
he glanced down at the crowd and noticed that the man had
fainted. Colin made his excuses to the Pope and rushed down
to the Square to see if the man was alright. As he walked
towards the man he was starting to come round and Colin
asked if the man was ok, to which the man replied "Well I
was fine, but when you came out on the balcony with the Pope
the man standing next to me asked "Who the hell's that up
there with Colin?"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Acronyms At The Bar (S38)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #200 on 97-10-03

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name
is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says,

"That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Is It Plastic Or Rubber? (S453b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #214 on 97-12-04

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and
found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept
mumbling and studying something in his hand.

The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny
object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like
plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers adding,
"But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like
plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said, "Let me take a look."

And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it
between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely.

"Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but
I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Son Is Born With Just A Head (S49, S479)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #272 on 97-12-10
      and From: gattica30 on 3/24/2006

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without
torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

The dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough
for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully
tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest,
strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his
head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink
and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up
on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right....
right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
into him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender
cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father
looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so
cold and callous?"

The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Wife Threatens To Leave If He Vomits
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #275 on 97-12-13

A guy is getting ready to go out drinking when he sees his
wife standing by the door with a suitcase. The wife says
that if he comes home drunk and covered in vomit like he
usually does, she is going to leave him. The guy says, do
not worry, I'm only going to have a few tonight.

Sure enough, he goes to the bar, gets hammered and pukes
on himself. He's really upset, crying and carrying on when
the bartender asks what's wrong. The guy tells him that
his wife is going to leave because he got drunk and puked
on himself.

Bartender: This is easy. Get a fifty dollar bill and put
it in your pocket. Tell your wife that the guy next to you
puked on you, but gave you the money to dryclean your clothes.

Guy: That great! I think it just might work.

-At home -

Wife: That's it I outta here.

Guy: No! You don't understand. The guy next to me puked,
it wasn't me. He even gave me fifty dollars to get my
clothes cleaned.

Wife: Well, I don't know, let me see the money... What
a minute, this is a hundred dollar bill!!

Guy: Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top

Subj:     The Wizard of Id Comic Strip (S621)
          by Parker and Hart
          From: Creators.com on 12/05/2008

Source: http://www.creators.com/today-comics.html

Click 'HERE' to read this cute comic strip.

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================

Smiley drinks from
Smiley_Central

.
.
.