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Subj: Bar2 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 67 jokes and articles)

Click "Here" for Bar-Supp

BAR1 are others bar jokes and short bar jokes
BAR2 are "A guy walks into a bar" jokes
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Subj: Three Ladies Give Husbands Nick Names (S212)
From: BennoRo on 2/22/2001

Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of
the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop,
because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your
Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my
Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain
Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other
more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good,
but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's
not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Four Ladies Pay Dancer (S210)
          From: KMACINTY on 2/5/2001

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she
pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She
calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and sticks it to
his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend
pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over and licks the bill.
I am worried about where things are going, but fortunately she
just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are headed,
the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is
focused on me and the guy is egging me on to top the $50. My
brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

Then the female marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and
went home.
                            \\\//
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Subj:     Truck Driver Takes Little Man's Drink (S223)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/8/2001

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking
at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. This big
trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him,
took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying.

The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just
joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't
stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.
First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting.
My boss became outraged and fired me. When I left the
building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The
police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to
return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab
had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got
home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I
left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when
I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show
up and drink my poison."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Sad Drunk At A Bar (S193)
          From: thebartend on 10/3/00

A man walks in a bar and sees a friend at a table, drinking
by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look
terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died,
leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're
depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"

"Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a
single dime!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Two Guys In Bar Discuss Wives (S322b)
          From: igiggle on 6/5/2003

Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

"My wife is mad at me again," says the first.

"Why?"

"I was bombed at the bar across the street last night.
And she came looking for me."

"What'd you do?"

"I asked her for her phone number."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Two Husbands In Bar Discuss 'Going Home' (S176, S547)
          From: DVR@valley-media.com on 6/14/00
      and From: AFine963 on 7/8/2007

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns
to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to
do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn
the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off
the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off
before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking
the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door,
storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into
bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . .
and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Drunk Refused Drink At Bar (S175)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/5/00

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously
drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool
and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The
bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has
already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served
additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for
him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,
climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front
door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the
side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers
for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely
if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for
a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side
door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The
bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that
he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells
him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless
anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Mickey ? Barmaid Bet (S174)
          From: thebartend on 5/25/00

Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one
sexy looking lady! He slapped a ten spot on the table and
said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to
the bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted
the bet.

He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and
went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next.

The bet was accepted.

He took out his false teeth ? nipped his ear. Once more
he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money
back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't
feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the
bet.

Mickey lifted her skirt ? away they went.

"I can feel you." she giggled.

"Oh well," he screamed while cumming, "You win some, you
lose some!!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Man Wears Special Watch To Bar (S137)
          From: DrRibeiro 09/15/1999

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch
and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's
so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then
because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Drunk Insults Three Men At A Bar (S110)
          From: scott_pryor on 99-02-21
          (Also see 'Drunk Insults Biker In Bar' in HARLEY)

A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender,
"Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around
the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.
He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your
mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking
his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" The
bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as
fast as he can. Then he looks over at the three men. He
points at another man and shouts "You! Your mother gives me
a blow job!" The second man looks at the old man, then goes
about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."
"Just one more!!" yells the old man. So the bartender gets
him one more tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and
shouts "You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at
the old man then looks at the other two men.

All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.
Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Drunk And The Ballerina (S209, S457)
          From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
      and From: darrell94590 on 10/28/2005

A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stood behind him
and raised her arm really high to get the bartender's
attention. The drunk saw that she had very hairy armpits.

The drunk yelled at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink!"
She got her drink and went away. Later, she returned and
raised her arm again. The drunk saw her and yelled to the
bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink!" She got her drink
and went away again.

The bartender asked the drunk how he knew she was a ballerina
when she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before.

The drunk replied, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     American, Canadian, And An Australian In A Seedy Bar
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #235 on 98-03-09 (S58)
          (See 'Four Women On A Drive' in Nat-States-Supp

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
seedy bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A,
they had so much money they never drank out of the same
glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the
air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was
setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in
Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he
too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the
bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back
on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have
so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one
twice.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Woman Rubs Barman's Facial Hair (S57, S553)
          From: auntiegah on 6/5/2003
      and From: AFine963 on 8/24/2007

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who
comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively
signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When
he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is
full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly
stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he
replies.

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she
says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly
aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she
continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his
mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper,
hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Bar Contest For Jar Of Tens (S08, S419)
          (Also see 'Stranded On Island With Natives' in STRANDED)

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large
jar behind the counter which is filled to the brim with ten
dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of
dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's
up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three
tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it
to the jar. Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First
you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the
WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore
tooth...you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had
an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot,
I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila
and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila
with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are
streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next
he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a
huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps
and growling, and eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers
back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over
his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Strongest Man Contest (S285)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/15/2002

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000
bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the
juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, long-
shoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing
thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny
squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the
man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell
into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and
asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are
you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Man With Hand Phone Goes Into A Bar
          From TNKRTEACH on 97-04-17
          (Also see 'Bill Gates And Farting' in Famous-Gates
          and 'Three Nationalities In A Sauna' Redneck-Supp)

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing
numbers...like a telephone...on his hand and talking into his
hand. The bar tender walks over and tells him that this is
a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had
a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying
the cellular." The bar tender says, "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and 'hands' his hand to the bar
tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a
conversation.

"That's incredible", says the bartender ... "I would never
believe it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep
in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way,
where is the men's room?"

The bar tender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes
in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the
worst given the tough neighborhood, the bar tender goes into
the men's room. There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on
the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of
toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god", said the bar tender, "Did they rob you? How
much did they get?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a
fax!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Pissing On The Bar (S330)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 5/26/2003

A man steps up to the bar. He tells the bartender, "I'll
bet you 50 bucks I can bite my left eye!" The guy looks
pretty sauced, so the bartender agrees. So the guy takes
out his glass eye and bites it. Then he tells the bartender,
"I'll bet you another 50 I can bite my right eye!" The
bartender knows the guy isn't blind, so he agrees. So the
man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. Then
the guy tells him, "Listen, I'll give you a chance to win
your money back and more." The bartender wants no more of
this, but the guy says, "Just listen. I'll bet you four
hundred dollars that I can piss into that cup on the other
side of the bar from where I'm standing!" The bartender
knows there's no way the guy can do this, so he agrees. So
the guy pulls down his pants and pisses all over the place,
all over the bar, all over the bartender. but not a drop
lands in the cup.

The happy bartender is laughing at him while wipping the
piss off his face. He is thinking this is the easiest
$300 he ever made. Finnally the man with a broad grin in
his face hands him $300 to pay up.

"What the hell are you so happy about?" asks the bartender?

"See those guys by the pooltable says the man? I bet each
one $1,000 that I can piss on your Bar, I can piss on you
and your customers and you will be happy about it."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     New Bar Opening In New Orleans (S453)
          From: darrell94590
          on 10/4/2005

To view the new bar on my web site click 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Oyster Bar Joke (gross)

A man sits himself down at an oyster bar. Next to him sits
another man, staring in rapt fascination at a platter of
oysters on the half shell before him. The first man--an
oyster fanatic--is amused by the scene. And hungry, as the
aroma of the oysters invades his olfactory senses.

Moments pass. No waitperson. Just the man to his right,
staring almost obsessively at the platter of oysters on the
half shell. The first man is getting anxious.

Finally, when he can't stand it any longer, he seizes an
oyster from the other man's platter, downs it with gusto,
and heaves a contented sigh.

This snaps the second man out of his seeming trance, and
now has him staring at the first man in complete surprise.

"I'm sorry" the first man says, "but I saw you staring at
those oysters, I couldn't get any service, and well...I
love oysters. Forgive me?"

The second man shakes his head, saying "Forget about it.
What I want to know is, how'd you keep it down? I tried
that one four times already..."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Taking A Shit At A Bar

This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night.
Men and women stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who
felt nature calling strongly, looked about him but couldn't
see anything that resembled a john.

He saw a stairway and bounded up the steps to the second
floor in his increasingly desperate search. Just as his
bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a one-foot by one-
foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control,
he decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his
pants, hunched over it, and did his thing.

Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps
to find, to his surprise, that the bar which had been so
crowded a few minutes ago, was now empty.

"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is
everyone?" From behind the bar a voice responded, "Where
were you when the shit hit the fan?"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Drinking 12 Shots
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #8

This guy goes into a bar, sits down, and orders 12 Scotch
? Sodas. Not believing his ears, the Bartender says "Did
you say 12 Scotch ? Sodas?"

"Yep," says the guy, "and I want all twelve now, right in
a line."

"OK" says the bartender, and he serves them all up.

The customer proceeds to work his way down the line, one
after another, till he finishes the very last one.

The bartender inquires, "Excuse me, but you must be having
a celebration of some kind?"

"That's right, my very first blowjob!" says the customer.

Bartender: "Well, in that case, let me buy you one myself."

Customer: "No thanks, if the first 12 don't get the taste
out of my mouth, I don't think another one will do any good!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Bar With Genie
Subj:     Man Brings 1 Foot Pianist To Bar (S128, S470 )
          From: TA989287 on 7/9/99
          (Also see 'Minnesota Fishing Genie' in GENIE)

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and
asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and
pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him
on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out
a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches
into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?"
says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the
paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it
to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender
rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you
one wish. Just one wish --- each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says,
"I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks
into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then
another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" says the man,
"do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

                            \\\//
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Subj:     A Man And His Pocket At Bar (S225)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/22/2001

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and
orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes
the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders
the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he
finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket
and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis
all night long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside
your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Blowing Chunks (S271)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: thebartend on 4/8/2002

After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out
for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded,
a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked.
All three lose track of each other and end up going home
separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by
the water cooler to discuss the past evenings events.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I
drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as
I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk?
I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped
my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have
insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I
got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle
over and burned the whole house down!"

There was silence for a moment and then the first guy
exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...
Chunks is my dog."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Man And The Barrel Behind The Bar

A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the
bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?".
The bartender replies, "It's not that bad when we get lonely
we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it.
So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely
and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So he
walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After
about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender,
"Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I
owe ya?". The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your
turn to get in the barrel".

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Picking Up An Older Woman In A Bar

A 20 year old man decides to go to the local bar and pick up
a root for the night. He tries for hours but without success.
At the end of the night he spots a 65 year old woman giving
him the eyes. He thinks "what the hell, I'm pissed anyway"
He picks her up and takes her home. As soon as they get to
his bedroom, he tears off her shirt and sticks his mouth
over one of her nipples. To his pleasant surprise a jet of
warm fluid gushes into his mouth. He says: "Hey honey, aren't
you a bit old to be lactating?" She smiles and replies: "I
might be too old to lactate but I'm not too old to have BREAST
CANCER!"

Second version
Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily Dirty Joke For 2/5/97

A young man wanted to get laid really bad, but the only woman
he could get to go home with him was about 100 years old.
After they started fucking, he said, "Your pussy is just too
dry and rough, it's hurting my dick!" She said, "I'll fix
that, I'll be right back." She went into the bathroom.
When she came back the man couldn't believe what a difference
there was. After they got done banging, he said, "Wow, you
felt great, it was all moist and not rough anymore!" "What
did you do, put in some lubricant or something?" "No," the
woman replied, "I just picked off all the scabs and let the
puss run."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Two Triple Martinis At A Bar (S23, S543)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-28
      and From: AFine963 on 6/9/2007

A Chicken Farmer walks into a bar, sits down and orders a
triple martini.

The bartender says "What a coincidence, the only other person
at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is
also drinking triple martinis".

After a few sips of his drink, the farmer walks up to the woman
and says, "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the
same drink".

The farmer says, 'This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating!'

This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating'
says the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says the Farmer. As they toasted glasses,
he asks, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today
my Gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer.
For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're
finally laying fertilized eggs!'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens
become fertile?'

'I switched cocks,' he replies.

She smiles, blushes, and says, 'What a coincidence...

She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After
20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!"

"What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating.
After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored
chicken."

At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?".

"I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.

The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Guy Orders Expensive Drinks
          From: Internet Humor Archive

A man ordered four expensive 30-year-old single malts and
had the bartender line them up in front of him. Without
pausing, he downed each one.

"Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.

"Fifty cents."

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Short Bar Jokes

Top
Subj: Buying A Lady A Drink (S478c)
From: darrell94590 on 3/16/2006
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a Woman
sitting by herself ;

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they open!"

Top
Subj: Elderly Man Talks To Elderly Lady In A Bar (S425b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/1/2005
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel
smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well
looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a
drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do
I come here often?"

Top
Subj: Drunk Tries To Start A Fight In A Bar (S401)
From: JokesUncut on 9/17/2004
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can
lick any man in the place!"

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
"Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a
gay bar?"

Top
Subj: Gynecologist Invents Drink (S371)
From: Grampsboyd on 2/4/2004
Guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got
any specials today?"

Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new
drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It is
a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Geeze, what the heck is that?"

The Bartender says we call it a "Pabst Smir."

Top
Subj: Man Takes Wife To Europe For 5th Anniversary (S340b)
From: igiggle on 8/3/2003
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a drink,
I'm celebrating my fifth anniversary."

The bartender comes over and says, "Sure, kid, the drink is
free. What are you going to do to celebrate?"

He says, "Well, I'm going to take my wife to Europe."

The bartender says, "You're going to take your wife to Europe
for your fifth anniversary? That's pretty good. What are you
going to do for your tenth?"

The guy says, "I'm going to go and get her."

Top
Subj: Man Orders A Bush Beer (S335b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/29/2003
A guy walks into a bar and says to the woman bartender,
"Hey, babe, Anheuser Busch?"

"Fine", she says, "and how's your dick?"

Top
Subj: Woman In Bar Will Screw (S310b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/10/2003
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed
woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and
says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him,
looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody
any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law
firm do you work for?"

Top
Subj: Woman With Skin-Tight Pants In Bar (S265c)
From: BennoRo on 2/24/2002
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a really
gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her
though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-
waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons
or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of
looking her over and puzzling over how she got the
pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve
to ask her. "Excuse me miss, but how do you get into
your pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

Top
Subj:     Trying To Pick Up A Woman In A Bar (S244b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #217 on 97-12-16
      and From: CatScratch on 10/4/2001
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in
on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made
his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather
odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until
I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my
husband pretty upset."

Top
Subj: Man Tells Bartender Troubles (S211)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/14/2001
BARTENDER: I think you've had enough sir.
DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy
BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife...
DRUNK: It was almost impossible.

Top
Subj: Man Orders 5 Shots At Bar (S190)
From: thebartend on 9/22/00
A man stumbles up to the bar looking very haggard. and
says "give me 5 shots of whisky and right now"

The bartender lines up 5 shot glasses on the bar, and
fills them with whiskey. As he turns around from putting
the bottle up he notices that the 5 shot glasses are empty.
"God almighty, that was fast."

The man says " ya, well you would drink fast too if you
had what I have."

The bartender takes a step back and says "what have you
got?'

They guy pulls his hand out of his pocket and says "$0.75".

Top
Subj: Guy Tired Of Wife's Hole (S106)
From: david_scott on 99-02-08
A guy goes to his regular bar after work and sits down next
to his friend. He says to his friend "I think I need a
divorce."

His friend expresses surprise and asks "How long have you
been married, and what's the problem."

The guy answers "I've been 18 years and am tired of the same
old hole, but I'm not one to go out and cheat on my wife.

The friend offers "Just flip your wife over and do the other
hole.

The guy retorts, "What and have a bunch of babies?"

Top
Subj:     Small Guy Is Punched Off Bar Stool (S171)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-01
      and From: thebartend on 5/8/00
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer,
minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big
dude comes in and WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and
onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop
from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool
and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK -- the
big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop
from Japan."

The little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes
himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an
hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks
up behind the big dude and --Wham!!!"-- knocks the big dude
off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes
to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

Top
Subj: Pub Arthritis
There was the blok whose doctor told him he had pub arthritis.
"Pub arthritis?" said thc bloke, "what's that?" "Well, it's
like this," said thc doctor, "every night you get stiff in a
different joint."

Top
Subj: Hamburger Goes Into A Bar (S235)
From: THE GAG ROOM. 03/16/97
A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar
stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold
beer. The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment
and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that
drink." The hamburger thought about this for a second
and said, "I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?"
After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the
bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."

2ed Vers.
A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender
says "SORRY WE DON'T SERVE FOOD HERE"

3rd Vers.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/30/2001
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender looks them
over, then says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

Top
Subj: String Goes Into A Bar (S308b)
from THE GAG ROOM, 03/16/97
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at
the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve
strings."
"What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks
into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his
ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and
approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.
"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

Top
Subj:     Exchanging Insults At A Bar
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-18
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to
display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside
him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe?   You
and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look
like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two
dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you
think I charge by the inch ?"

Top
Subj: Nude Woman Goes Into A Bar
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #189
A woman walks into a bar totally nude and asks the barkeep
if he can serve her a drink. He looks her up and down and
says, "Well sure, but it doesn't appear by your appearance
that you'll be able to pay for it."

The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what
she's got, "Will this do?" she asks.

The barkeep takes a look and responds, "Ya got anything
smaller?"

J.F.K and Bobby Kennedy walk into a bar and the the bartender
says, "What'll it be?" J.F.K says, "Give us a couple of
shooters."

2 gays sitting at the bar. One turns around to the other
and says "Hey, let me move your stool for you"!

Two gay guys get in a fight in a bar. They go outside to
exchange blows.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar.
"A pint of lager and a mop please." -- Howard Burgess

Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one
would of ducked.
-- Shaun Haapala, Daniel L. Miller, and John Stoffer

From: auntieg on 98-02-12 (S124)
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much
for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The
mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

From: DR SWITZER on 98-04-16 (S384b)
A set of jumper cables goes into a bar. The bartender sees
them ? say's "Hey, what are you doing in here?" "Just want
to have a drink ? relax awhile" was the reply. "Well, all
right. Just don't start anything!"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/1/2001 (S244)
"Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils:
people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing."
-- Tom Dreesen

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2003 (S322)
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear
Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't
know where it's been.

From: LABLaughsClean 2004-10-19 (S406b - bar2)
At: LABLaughs@LABLaughs.com on 10/28/2004
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender
says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here.

From: Anonymous Junior (S409)
At: http://www.funny2.com/bar.htm on 11/21/04
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why
the long face?"

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son,
you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The
second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says,
"Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the
two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and
exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

From: darrell94590 on 11/4/2005 (S457b - handicapped)
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

From: drgolfmd on 6/8/2006 (S489b - big-cats)
Two guys are chatting in a bar. One says "Did you know that
lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Damn," says his friend. " and I just joined the Elks."

Q: How do they seperate the men from the boys in a gay bar?
A: with a crowbar.

Q: Did you hear about the two condoms outside a gay bar
A: One said to the other "Want to go inside and get shit-faced"

Q: What is the hottest pickup line in a gay bar?
A: Can I push your stool in for you?

\\\//
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Smiley drinks too much from
Smiley_Central

.