Subj: Bar2 Jokes
(Includes 45 jokes, 09 1117,5,cf,wYT2a7a,1)
Click "Here" for Bar-Supp
BAR1 are others bar jokes and short
BAR2 are "A guy walks into a bar" jokes
Subj: Bizarro's Escher's Pub Cartoon (S843)
By Dan Piraro in 2003
Subj: Woman Rubs Barman's Facial Hair (S57, S553)
From: auntiegah in 2003
A rather attractive woman goes
up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who
comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively
signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When
he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is
full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly
stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he
"Can you get him for me? - I
need to speak to him." she
says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly
aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need
you to give him a message" she
continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his
mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there
is no toilet paper,
hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Subj: Drunk Insults Three Men At A Bar (S110)
From: scott_pryor in 1999
(Also see 'Drunk Insults Biker In Bar' in HARLEY)
A drunken old man walked into
a bar. He yells at the bartender,
"Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around
the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.
He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your
mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking
Then the old man yells "Bartender!
Get me another tequila!" The
bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as
fast as he can. Then he looks over at the three men. He
points at another man and shouts "You! Your mother gives me
a blow job!" The second man looks at the old man, then goes
about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender!
Get me another tequila!"
This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."
"Just one more!!" yells the old man. So the bartender gets
him one more tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and
shouts "You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at
the old man then looks at the other two men.
All three of them get up and
start walking over to the old man.
Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."
Subj: Four Ladies Pay Dancer (S210, DU)
From: KMACINTY in 2001
The other day, my friends and
I went to a "Ladies Night Club."
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she
pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend
pulls out a $20 bill. She
calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and sticks it to
his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress
the rest of us, my third friend
pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over and licks the bill.
I am worried about where things are going, but fortunately she
just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived. Seeing
the way things are headed,
the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is
focused on me and the guy is egging me on to top the $50. My
brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
Then the female marketer in me
took over! I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and
Subj: Sad Drunk At A Bar (S193, S679b)
From: thebartend in 2000
A man walks in a bar and sees
a friend at a table, drinking
by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look
terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued,
"My father died,
leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone
in two months. No wonder you're
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"
"Then this month,..." continued,
the friend, "Nothing! Not a
Subj: Non Sequitur Cartoon (S925)
By Wiley Miller in 2014
(See 'A Pastor, A Priest and a Rabbi...,' in Bar1,
and 'Priest, Rabbi, and A Duck Walk Into A Bar' in Bar1,
and 'Funny Bar Jokes As Videos - Familiar Faces' in Bar-Supp,
and 'Rabbi, Priest, And Preacher Go Into A Bar' in Bar-Supp,
and 'Non Sequitur Cartoon' in Jewish-Rabbi
and 'Reynolds Cartoons' in Farmer-Supp)
Subj: Two Guys In Bar Discuss Wives (S322b)
From: igiggle in 2003
Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.
"My wife is mad at me again," says the first.
"I was bombed at the bar across
the street last night.
And she came looking for me."
"What'd you do?"
"I asked her for her phone number."
Subj: Two Husbands In Bar Discuss 'Going Home' (S176, S547)
From: AFine963 in 2007
Two married buddies are out drinking
one night when one turns
to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to
do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn
the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off
the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off
before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says,
"Well, you're obviously taking
the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door,
storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into
bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . .
and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
Subj: Drunk Refused Drink At Bar (S175)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com in 2000
A man walks into the front door
of a bar. He is obviously
drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool
and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The
bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has
already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served
additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for
The drunk is briefly surprised,
then softly scoffs, grumbles,
climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front
door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the
side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers
for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely
if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for
a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side
door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same
drunk bursts in through the
back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The
bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that
he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells
him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at
the bartender and in hopeless
anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Subj: Mickey And The Barmaid Bet (S174)
From: thebartend in 2000
Mickey was in a bar having a
drink, and the barmaid was one
sexy looking lady! He slapped a ten spot on the table and
said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to
She knew the bathroom was around
the corner so she accepted
He took his glass eye out, placed
it beside the drink and
went to the bathroom.
"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next.
The bet was accepted.
He took out his false teeth and
nipped his ear. Once more
he scooped up the money.
"Okay," he said, "I'll give you
a chance to win your money
back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't
feel a thing."
Now that was one thing she knew
about, so she accepted the
Mickey lifted her skirt and away they went.
"I can feel you." she giggled.
"Oh well," he screamed while
cumming, "You win some, you
Subj: How's Waldo? (S889d)
Drawn by Paul Norh
From: George Takei in 2013
Source: Tom Howard's Photos on Facebook
Subj: Man Wears Special Watch To Bar (S137, S637)
From: DrRibeiro in 1999
A rather confident man walks
into a bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought
this state-of-the-art watch
and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A
state-of-the-art watch? What's
so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies,
"Well it must be broken then
because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Subj: Truck Driver Takes Little Man's Drink (S223, DU)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com in 2001
There was this little guy sitting
inside a bar, just looking
at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. This big
trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him,
took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said:
"Come on man, I was just
joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't
stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today
is the worst day of my life.
First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting.
My boss became outraged and fired me. When I left the
building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The
police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to
return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab
had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got
home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I
left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when
I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show
up and drink my poison."
Subj: The Drunk And The Ballerina (S209, S457)
From: RFSlick in 1998
A drunk was sitting at a bar
when a woman stood behind him
and raised her arm really high to get the bartender's
attention. The drunk saw that she had very hairy armpits.
The drunk yelled at the bartender,
"Get the ballerina a drink!"
She got her drink and went away. Later, she returned and
raised her arm again. The drunk saw her and yelled to the
bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink!" She got her drink
and went away again.
The bartender asked the drunk
how he knew she was a ballerina
when she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before.
The drunk replied, "She's got
to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high."
Subj: Three Ladies Give Husbands Nick Names (S212)
From: BennoRo in 2001
Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy.
One evening, while sharing a
few drinks at the bar, one of
the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop,
because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your
Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay
then, I'm gonna name my
Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm
gonna name my Leroy Mountain
Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot
and holler, and slap each other
more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You
know, those two Leroys were good,
but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in
unison, "Jack Daniels? That's
not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"
New Bar Opening In New Orleans
..........in 2005 (S453)
To view the new bar, click 'HERE'.
Subj: Bar Contest For Jar Of Tens (S08, S607)
From: tom in 2008
(Also see 'Stranded On Island With Natives' in STRANDED)
A new guy in town walks into
a bar and notices a very large
jar behind the counter which is filled to the brim with ten
dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of
dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's
up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten
dollars and if you pass three
tests, then you get all the money."
Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten
bucks and the bartender adds it
to the jar. Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First
you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the
WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore
tooth...you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had
an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
Man: "Well, I know I've paid
my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot,
I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila
and get crazier from there."
Bartender: "Your call. But your
money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila
with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are
streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next
he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a
huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps
and growling, and eventually silence.
Just when they think the man
must surely be dead, he staggers
back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over
"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Subj: Man Brings 1 Foot Pianist To Bar (S128, S783)
From: tom in 1999 and 2012
(Also see 'Minnesota Fishing Genie' in GENIE)
A man walks into a bar with a
paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and
asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and
pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him
on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out
a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches
into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the
piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?"
says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the
paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it
to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender
rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you
one wish. Just one wish --- each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says,
"I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks
into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then
another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man
and says, "Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" says the man,
"do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
Subj: A Man And His Pocket At Bar (S225)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2001
A businessman enters a tavern,
sits down at the bar, and
orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes
the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders
the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he
finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket
and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy,
I'll bring ya' martinis
all night long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside
your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking
at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
Subj: Two Triple Martinis At A Bar (S23, S543)
From: ipkis in 1997
A Chicken Farmer walks into a
bar, sits down and orders a
The bartender says "What a coincidence,
the only other person
at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is
also drinking triple martinis".
After a few sips of his drink,
the farmer walks up to the woman
and says, "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the
The farmer says, 'This is a special
day for me. I'm
This is a special day for me,
too, and I'm also celebrating'
says the woman.
'What a coincidence,' says the
Farmer. As they toasted glasses,
he asks, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying
to have a child, and today
my Gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the
man. 'I'm a chicken farmer.
For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're
finally laying fertilized eggs!'
'That's great!' says the woman,
'How did your chickens
'I switched cocks,' he replies.
She smiles, blushes, and says, 'What a coincidence...
She replies "Yes! I am here because
I am celebrating. After
20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" the man
replied. "I am also celebrating.
After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored
At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?".
"I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.
The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"
Subj: Non Sequitur Cartoon (S1115)
By Wiley Miller in 2018
Subj: Short Bar Jokes
Subj: Buying A Lady A Drink (S478c)
From: darrell94590 in 2006
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a Woman
sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
Subj: Gynecologist Invents Drink (S371)
From: Grampsboyd in 2004
Guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got
any specials today?"
Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter
of fact we have a new
drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It is
a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Geeze, what the heck is that?"
The Bartender says we call it
a "Pabst Smir."
Subj: Man Orders A Bush Beer (S335b)
From: LABLaughs.com in 2003
A guy walks into a bar and says to the woman bartender,
"Hey, babe, Anheuser Busch?"
"Fine", she says, "and how's
Subj: Woman With Skin-Tight Pants In Bar (S265c)
From: BennoRo in 2002
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a really
gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her
though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-
waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons
or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of
looking her over and puzzling over how she got the
pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve
to ask her. "Excuse me miss, but how do you get into
"Well," she replied, "you can
start by buying me a drink."
Subj: Hamburger Goes Into A Bar (S235)
From: THE GAG ROOM. 1997
A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar
stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold
beer. The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment
and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that
drink." The hamburger thought about this for a second
and said, "I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?"
After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the
bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender
says "SORRY WE DON'T SERVE FOOD HERE"
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/30/2001
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender looks them
over, then says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
Subj: String Goes Into A Bar (S308b)
from THE GAG ROOM, 1997
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at
the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve
"What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks
into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his
ends. A couple moments later he comes back out and
approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.
"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
Subj: Exchanging Insults At A Bar
From: TNKRTEACH in 1997
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to
display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside
him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You
As she got up to move, he said
loudly, "Honey, you sure look
like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two
She looked back and replied just
as loudly, "What makes you
think I charge by the inch ?"
Subj: Nude Woman Goes Into A Bar
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #189
A woman walks into a bar totally nude and asks the barkeep
if he can serve her a drink. He looks her up and down and
says, "Well sure, but it doesn't appear by your appearance
that you'll be able to pay for it."
The woman throws one leg up on
a bar stool and shows what
she's got, "Will this do?" she asks.
The barkeep takes a look and
responds, "Ya got anything
J.F.K and Bobby Kennedy walk
into a bar and the the bartender
says, "What'll it be?" J.F.K says, "Give us a couple of
A skeleton is in a bar. He goes
up to the bar.
"A pint of lager and a mop please." -- Howard Burgess
From: auntieg in 1998 (S124)
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much
for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
A mushroom walks into a bar,
sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The
mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"
From: DR SWITZER on 1998 (S384b)
A set of jumper cables goes into a bar. The bartender sees
them and say's "Hey, what are you doing in here?" "Just want
to have a drink ? relax awhile" was the reply. "Well, all
right. Just don't start anything!"
From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2001 (S244)
"Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils:
people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing."
-- Tom Dreesen
From: LABLaughs.com in 2003 (S322)
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear
Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't
know where it's been.
From: LABLaughsClean in 2004 (S406b)
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A man walks into a bar with a
slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A sandwich walks into a bar.
says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here.
From: darrell94590 in 2005 (S457b,
S786 - handicapped)
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
From: drgolfmd in 2006 (S489b - big-cats)
Two guys are chatting in a bar. One says "Did you know that
lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Damn," says his friend. " and I just joined the Elks."
Q: How do they seperate the men
from the boys in a gay bar?
A: With a crowbar.
Q: Did you hear about the two
condoms outside a gay bar
A: One said to the other "Want to go inside and get shit-faced"
Q: What is the hottest pickup
line in a gay bar?
A: Can I push your stool in for you?