Subj:     Bar Jokes With Animals
..........(Includes 37 jokes, 16 1123n,10,cf,wXT4a8a,1)

..........L5 Update

Drunk Rabbit
Animated GIFs Collection
Includes the following:  Monkey In Bar Tells Joke - Video (S486, S797)
.........................Three Dogs In A Bar (S300, S689b)
.........................True Magazine Cartoon (S1032)
.........................Man Discusses Dead Dog At Bar (S176, DU)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S817)
.........................Guy w/Three Ducks Goes To Bar (S237, S714)
.........................A Dung Beetle Walks Into A Bar... - Photo (S1048)
.........................Alligator Goes To A Bar (S309b, S839)
.........................Bar With Horse
.........................Descart And The Horse - Photo/Text (S1076)
.........................Bar With Monkey (S185)
.........................Monkey Goes To A Bar (S25, S840)
.........................Light Bulb Goes Into A Bar Cartoon (S605c)
.........................Panda Goes To A Bar (S288)
.........................Panda Goes To A Bar (Vers. 2)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon II (S1036)
.........................Octopus Goes To A Bar (S508b)
.........................Dog Goes To A Bar And Orders Whiskey
.........................Matchbook Goes Into A Bar Cartoon (S663b)
                         Short Bar Animal jokes
..............................Ellen Degeneres Show's Classic Joke Monday (S889)
..............................Guy W/Newt Go To A Bar (S119)
..............................Non Sequitur Cartoon III (DU)
..............................Duck Goes To A Bar
..............................Grasshopper Goes To A Bar (S520b)
..............................The Argyle Sweater Cartoon (S827)
..............................Black Man With Parrot Walks Into A Bar
..............................A Horse Goes Into A Bar Needing A Tie
..............................Gorilla Goes Into A Bar
..............................B.C. Comic Strip (DU)

Also see BAR-Supp     - 'Schrodinger's Cat Walks Into A Bar' - Button
         BEAR file    - 'Polar Bear Walks Into A Bar'
......................- 'Bear Goes To A Bar'
         BLACKS2 file - 'Black Walks Into Bar W/Parrot'
         DOGS1 file   - 'Man And Talking Dog Go To Bar'
......................- 'Man And Talking Dog Go To Bar II'
.........DOGS3 file   - 'Three Legged Dog Goes In A Bar'
         FOOTBALL file- 'Man w/Dachshund Goes To A Bar'
         FROG file    - 'Man Goes To Restraunt w/Hamster And Frog'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Man Goes Into A Bar With An Alligator'
         PIG file     - 'Pig Goes Into A Bar'
         RATS AND MICE- 'Three Mice Bragging In A Bar'
         WAITER file  - 'Man And Ostrich Enter Restaurant'

Subj:     Monkey In Bar Tells Joke (S486, S797)
          From: darrell94590 in 2006 (d-On Site)
 Source: www.veoh.com/watch/e143322c5FDCYcz
.......Click 'HERE' to see this very funny, thirty-four
.......second video of a great, classic, monkey joke.

Subj:     Three Dogs In A Bar (S300, S689b)
          From: thebartend in 2002

 The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in
 a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female
 Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver
 and cheese in a sentence can have me."

 So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."  The
 Collie says, "That's not good enough.

 The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says,
 "That's not creative."

 Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says,
 "Liver alone......cheese mine."

Subj:     True Magazine Cartoon (S1032)
          From: Fred's mother in 2016
Subj:     Man Discusses Dead Dog At Bar (S176, DU)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com in 2000

 A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and,
 clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen
 owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

 A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair
 growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool.  He
 looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my
 dog.  Why?"

 "Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe
 my dog just killed it, sir."

 "What?"  roared the big man in disbelief.  "What in the hell
 kind of dog do you have?"

 "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

 "Bull!"  roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my

 "It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon (S817)
          By Wiley Miller in 2012
 Source: www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2012/09/06
Subj:     Guy w/Three Ducks Goes To Bar
          From: auntieg in 1998 (S237, S714)

 This guy walks into a quiet bar.  He is carrying three
 ducks.  One in each hand and one under his left arm. He
 places them on the bar.  He has a few drinks and chats
 with the Bartender.

 The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask
 people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so
 he doesn't mention the ducks.

 They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the
 ducks has to go to the restroom.  The ducks are left on
 the Bar.  The bartender is alone with the ducks.  There
 is an awkward silence.  The Bartender decides to try to
 make some conversation.

 "What's your name?"  He says to the first duck.

 "Huey" said the duck.

 "How's your day been?"

 "Great.  Lovely day.  Had a ball.  Been in and out of
 puddles all day".

 "Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.  Then he says to
 the second duck "Hi.  And what's your name?"

 "Dewey" came the answer.

 "So how's your day been?".

 "Great. Lovely day.  Had a ball.  Been in and out of
 puddles all day.  If I had the chance another day I
 would do the same again".

 So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says
 "So, you must be Louie".

 "No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles.
 Don't ask about my f***ing day".

Subj:     A Dung Beetle Walks Into A Bar... (S1048)
          From: Mari Barnick? in 2017
 Source: www.onsizzle.com/i/a-dung-beetle-
.........Not being an Entomologists, it took me
.........two weeks to decide this was funny.
Subj:     Alligator Goes To A Bar (S309b, S839)
          From: sam.hutkins in 2013

 (Also see 'Bar with Monkey' in this file
       and 'Trucker Picks Up A Hitchhiker' in TRUCK-BUS)

 A man walks into a bar with an alligator.  The bartender
 tells him to take the alligator and leave.  The man pleads
 with the bartender that the alligator will do the most
 amazing act on his stage if he and the alligator can stay
 and can then have free drinks for the evening.

 The bar owner agrees and man and the alligator move to the
 stage.  He places the alligator on a stool beside him and
 proclaims "What I am about to do will be absolutely one of
 the most incredible sights you will ever behold, but please
 I beg you to hold your applause until after the performance,
 as Daisy gets a little nervous by such loud noises."  With
 that being said, the man takes a rolled up newspaper and
 WHACK across the alligator's head.  The alligator responds
 by slowly opening it's massive jaws.  The crowd gasps.

 The man then unzips his fly and lays his member atop the
 animal tongue.  Then once more WHACK across the alligator's
 head.  The alligator responds by SNAP closing his jaws
 around the man's penis.  The crowd is stunned there are
 men going pale, women passing out.  All the while, the man
 gazes out with absolute confidence. Then finally once more
 WHACK across the alligator's noggin with the newspaper.
 The alligator responds by slowly opening his jaws once more.
 There wasn't as much as a scrape on the man as his organ
 had been resting between the staggered teeth of the animal.

 The bartender, astonished, steps up onto the stage, and
 shakes the man's hand.  "That was truly amazing.  Of course
 you may stay."  He then looks out at the dazed crowd and
 asked "Is there anyone else in the room willing to do that?!!"

 An effeminante man gently replied "Uh, I will, if he doesn't
 hit me in the head with that newspaper too hard."

Subj:     Bar With Horse (S412b)
          From: Anonymous Junior in 2004

 A young guy walks into a pub and sees a somber faced horse
 sitting at the far end of the bar.  In front of the horse
 is a brandy glass full of $10 notes.  Being curious, the
 young guy turns to the manager and asks him to explain.

 "It's a game, you place $10 into the brandy glass, and try
 to make the horse laugh.  If he laughs you get the cash."
 The young man immediately walks up to the horse and places
 $10 into the glass.  He then leads the horse into the toilets
 and whispers something into the horses ear.  The horse emerges
 from the toilets roaring with laughter, looking back at the
 young man only to laugh even louder and harder.  The young man
 collects his cash and leaves.

 A week later the young guy returns and sees the same horse
 sitting at the bar, his brandy glass full of $20 notes.  The
 manager sees the young man and walks over saying "This week
 it's $20, and you have to make the horse cry.  Make him cry
 and you get the cash".

 The young guy immediately walks up to the horse and places
 $20 into the brandy glass.  He then leads the horse into the
 toilets, while the whole bar goes quite.  Ten seconds later
 the horse bursts from the toilets, tears streaming down his
 face, genuine sorrow racking his body, eventually running
 from the bar screaming in his emotional agony.

 The young guy collects his cash and goes to leave when the
 manager stops him and begs him to tell them how he won both
 times.  The man replied "The first time I told him my dick
 was bigger than his. The second time I showed him".

Subj:     Descart And The Horse (S1076)
          From: Jim Simonsen in 2017
 Source: www.facebook.com/ChrisBrecheensWritingAboutWriting/photos/
Subj:     Bar With Monkey (S185)

 (Also see 'Trucker Picks Up A Hitchhiker' in TRUCK-BUS
       and 'Alligator Goes To A Bar' in this file)

 A man walks into a bar and sees a monkey perched on a stoll.
 He immediatly breaks into a fit complaining about health
 regulations and all that.  The bartender says "Calm down.
 This is a trained Monkey!"
 The man replies "Oh ya? What can it do?"
 The bartender takes out a bat and whacks the monkey upside
 the head. The monkey jumps off the stool, runs to the tap.
 Poors the bartender a beer, runs back, gives the bartender
 the beer, uzips his pants and gives him a blow job.
 The man says "Holy shit. I've never seen anything like that
 in my life!"
 The bartender asks the man if he wants to try it.
 The man says "Sure. Just don't hit me as hard as you hit the

Subj:     Monkey Goes To A Bar (S25, S840)
          From: virv in 2013

 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink
 and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
 The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then
 grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool
 table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth,
 and to every one's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

 The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
 just did?"

 The guy says "No, what?"

 "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats
 everything in sight, the little bastard.  Sorry.  I'll pay for
 the cue ball and stuff."  He finishes his drink, pays his bill,
 pays for  the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

 Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with
 him.  He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
 the bar again.  While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey
 finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up
 his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.  Then the  monkey finds a
 peanut, and again sticks it up   his ass, pulls it out, and eats

 The bartender is disgusted.  "Did you see what your monkey did
 now?" He asks.

 "No, what?" replies the guy.

 "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass,
 pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

 "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit
 out that cue ball,  he measures everything first."

Subj:     Light Bulb Goes Into A Bar (S605c)
          By Brian Boychuk, Ron Boychuk, Ronnie Martin
          From: Chuckle Bros Comics in 2009
 Source: (Removed from creators.com)
Subj:     Panda Goes To A Bar (S288)
..........From: auntiegah in 2002

 A panda walks into a bar and orders a ham sandwich.  He
 gobbles it down, then turns to the bar, draws a gun, fires,
 and shatters the mirror behind the bar.  As quickly as he
 entered, the panda turns on its heels and heads for the door.

 The bartender shouts in disbelief, "hey, what the hell do
 you think you're doing?"

 The panda turns, points to itself and says, "I'm a !@#$%?*
 panda, buddy.  Go look it up!" Then he heads on out the door.

 The bartender goes into the back room and pulls an old Webster's
 dictionary off the shelf.

 Opening to 'panda' he reads:

 Panda:  (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) Bear-like mammal native
 exists as an endangered species on the eastern front of the
 Tibetan plateau of China in three neighboring provinces.
 Black with distinctive white markings on face, body and paws.
 Eats shoots and leaves.

Subj:     Panda Goes To A Bar (2ed vers.)

 A panda escapes from the zoo, and is walking around town.
 He thinks "I could really go for some companionship!"  Off
 he goes down to the local bar to try and pick up a girl.

 The panda's at the bar, and this girl (a prostitute) slides
 up to him and starts hitting on him.  Panda thinks "Hello!
 I'm hot tonight!"

 So they end up back at her place and the Panda says "I'm
 really hungry, do you have any food?"

 The prostitute gives him some food, and then they do the
 deed.  Afterwards the panda gets up and starts to leave.
 The whore doesn't like this and says "Where are you going
 and where's my money?"

 Panda says " Money? What are you talking about?"

 The prostitute says, "I'm a prostitute for pete's sake!!"

 Panda says "What's a prostitute?"

 She throws him a dictionary and says "Look it up!!"

 Panda looks it up : PROSTITUTE - A woman who has sex for money.

 Panda throws the dictionary back at her and says "So what,
 I'm a panda"

 The prostitute says "So!!!"

 The panda says, "Look it up!!"

 She looks it up, and reads out aloud "PANDA - Eats shoots
 and leaves".

Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon II (S1036)
          By Wiley Miller in 2016
 Source: www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2016/10/17
Subj:     Octopus Goes To A Bar (S508b)

 A very distinguished gentleman in a tuxedo entered a lively
 night spot followed closely by an octapus.  The gentleman
 set on a bar stool and the octapus slimed up on the stool
 next to him.  Turning to the bartender the gent says, "Two
 manhattans please my good man."

 The bartenders eyes were as big as lemons.  Being quite
 intoxicated, nothing was going to upset him.  Two manhattans
 were ordered, so two manhattans were mixed and served.

 The gentleman slowly sipped his drink and was obviously
 starting to relax.  The octopus put out a tentacle, grabed
 the second drink and sligged it down.  This was too much
 for the bartender who passed out.  Jumping across the bar
 the gent revives the bartender and apologezed profusely.
 "I very sorry for not having explained about my friend Octy.
 He's a concert pianist and has just finished a major
 performance.  He's still so nervous, I thought a drink might
 help him relax."

 "That thing can play an instrument" replied the bartender.

 "That thing can play any instrunemt in the world, Octy is
 a great musician.

 Looking over the bar at the shaking pile of arms the bartender
 retorted "A jazz group plays here each evening, let's see if
 Octy can play a piano."

 The octopus immediately slimed down and slithered over to the
 piano.  It slimed up on the stool, extended to tentacles and
 started playing.  Two more tenticles grabbed the drum sticks,
 two more grabbed the sax, and two more grabbed the guitar.
 By this time a crowd of happy drunks had formed.

 Before you knew it, Octy was taking requests from the audience.
 The crowd grew bigger and bigger.  The place was rocking.  The
 bartender turned to the gent and said "I apoligize.  Octy
 really can play any instrument."

 From the corner of the room a loud mouth drunk shouted "I've
 got an instrument out in my car that pile of arms can't play."

 The gentleman replayed "Bring in the instrument and Octy will
 play it."

 The drunk stumbled out and returned quickly.  He threw a set
 of bagpipes on the floor, and the crowd grew hushed.  The
 octopus just set on the piano stool and shook and shook and
 shook.  In a flash he dove for the bagpipes.  All you could
 see was octopus and bagpipes flying all over the room.  The
 drunk roared "I told you he couldn't play it."

 The gentleman replied "As soon an Octy finds out he can't
 screw it, he'll play it."

Second version
Subj:     Octopus Goes To A Bar (S508b)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #236 on 97-10-30
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/16/2006

 Captain Queeg goes into a harbor bar with his pet octopus and
 says "I'll bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument
 that this here octopus can't play."

 The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an
 old mandolin.  The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes it,
 and starts playing a few choruses of "Rawhide."  Captain Queeg
 quickly pockets the fifty bucks.

 The next bar patron comes up with a trumpet.  The octopus takes
 the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its chops and starts playing
 "Stella By Starlight."  Yet another $50 is handed over to the
 smiling captain.

 The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears into
 the  back room, returning a few minutes with a set of bagpipes
 under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the captain
 and his octopus, "Now, I'll bet you a hundred dollars your damn
 octopus can't play that!"

 The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it
 over, has another look from a different angle and then starts the
 process over again.

 Puzzled, the captain comes over to the octopus and says, "What
 are you waiting around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"

 "Play it, hell!" frowned the octopus. "As soon as I figure out
 how to get her pajamas off, we're outta here!"

Subj:     Dog Goes To A Bar And Orders Whiskey

 A countryman went into a London pub with a dog.  The man
 ordered a pint, the dog ordered a whiskey.

 "What the hell!" said the barman.

 "Yes," said the owner, "he`s the most intelligent dog in
 the West Country, I brought him in to see the sights of
 the town."

 "If I give him 40p, will he get me a paper?" said the
 barman, "I forgot to get one."

 "Of course I will," piped up the dog, then, receiving the
 money, "back soon, ta ta."

 The dog did not return, so, after an hour, the worried
 owner went in search.  He finally found his dog in a back
 alley, nicely on the job with a bitch.

 "Well I'm dammed!" said the owner, "you've never done that

 "No," said the dog, "I've never had the money before."

Subj:     Matchbook Goes Into A Bar (S663b)
          By Buddy Hickerson
          From: Creators.com in 2009
 Source: (Removed from creators.com)

Subj:     Short Bar Animal Jokes

Subj:     Ellen Degeneres Show's Classic Joke Monday (S889)
 Source: www.recapo.com/ellen-degeneres-show/ellen-
 On Ellen Degeneres Show's Classic Joke Monday for April 11,2012:
 It's Classic Joke Monday. Here is the stodgy joke Ellen
 dusted off for her audience, that all the third graders
 will be chuckling about tomorrow.

    Where do you find a down and out octopus?
    On squid row.

Subj:     Guy W/Newt Go To A Bar (S119)
          From: smiles in 1999
 A guy walks in a bar with a newt on his shoulder and orders a
 pint and a half of beer. He proceeds to drink the pint and
 gives the half to the newt which drinks it thirstily. The bar
 tender watches this with interest. This happens on the next
 two days when the newt is given whiskey and then rum. On the
 third occasion, the barman remarks, "I have never seen a pet
 like that before, it is fantastic. What do you call it?"

 The customer replies, "I call it TINY."

 "Oh, why is that?" asks the barman.

 The reply was, "Because it is my newt!"

  (say it - my newt -- minute!)

Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon III (DU)
          By Wiley Miller in 2018
 Source: www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2018/06/16

Subj:     Duck Goes To A Bar
 A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and the
 bartender says "we don't allow pigs in here".  To which
 the woman replies, "this is a duck, you moron!".

 "I was talking to the duck!", replies the bartender.

Subj:     Grasshopper Goes To A Bar (S520b)
          From: Anon Jr. in 2007
 Source: www.kentlaw.edu/depts/acadadm/jokearch.html
 A Grasshopper hops into a bar. Bartender says: Say we have
 a drank named after you.  The Grasshopper sits back in his
 chair and scratches his head and says: "You have a drink
 named Stan?"

Subj:     The Argyle Sweater Cartoon (S827)
          by Scott Hilburn (in Hunting-Supp)
          From: AFine963 in 2012
 Source: www.gocomics.com/theargylesweater/2007/01/25
Subj:     Black Man With Parrot Walks Into A Bar
 Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
 Bartender looks up and says "Where did you get that?"
 Parrot says: "Africa, there's thousands of them there!"

Subj:     A Horse Goes Into A Bar Needing A Tie
 A horse walks into a bar.  The barman says: "Wait, you can't
 come in here without a necktie."  The horse goes out to his
 car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jumper leads, which
 he ties around his neck.

 He goes back into the bar. "This good enough?" he asks.
 Barman says: "Yah, but you better not start anything."

Subj:     Gorilla goes into a bar
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #81 in 1998
 A gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a shot of bourbon
 and puts a twenty dollar bill on the bar.  The bartender
 doesn't know what to do so he asks his boss.  His boss says
 "Take the twenty and give him a shot."

 Bartender pours the gorilla a shot and takes the twenty.
 He says "We don't get many gorrillas in here."  The gorilla
 replies " I'm not surprised at twenty dollars a shot."


 A baby harp seal walks into a bar. The bartender says,
 "What will you have, baby harp seal?"
 The baby harp seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."

 A toothless termite walks into a bar and says,
 "Is the bartender here?"

 A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says

From: auntieg in 1998 (S124)
 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He
 sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the
 man who shot my paw."

From: Anonymous Junior (S409)
At: www.funny2.com/bar.htm in 2004
 A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them
 up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the
 bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

 A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the
 bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I
 don't know, what does he look like?"

 A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and
 some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

 A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The
 bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

 A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar.  The
 bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Subj:     B.C. Comic Strip (DU)
          By Mastroianni and Hart in 2013
 Source: www.gocomics.com/bc/2013/04/25

                           -(o o)-
............................From GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley.