(Includes 27 jokes and articles)
Click 'HERE' for the Bathroom Supplement
Spider from
AGAG Animation Gallery
| Subj: Bathroom,
Urinal, or Toilet Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 27 jokes and articles) Click 'HERE' for the Bathroom Supplement |
|
Spider from AGAG Animation Gallery |
Also see BAR1 file
- 'The Golden Saloon'
......................-
'Screams
Come From Bar Bathroom'
BAR2 file - 'Woman
Rubs Barman's Facial Hair'
BATHROOM-GRAF- 'The Newest In Men's
Bathroom Walls'
.........CATHOLIC
- 'A
Drunk Enters The Confessional'
CATS1 file - 'How
to Bathe A Cat'
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Where
Is Jesus Today? (Little Johnny)
COMPUTERS2 - 'Technology
Advances But People Stay The Same'
COWBOY2 file - 'Three
Men At The Urinals'
FACTS3 file - 'New
Airport Managers'
GOLF1 file - 'Top
10 Sugg.. For.. Golf Or Restrooms:'
GOLF3 file - 'Golf
Rules'
JEWISH1 file - 'Two
Men Standing At The Urnals'
KIDS5 file - 'Having Tea
With Your Daughter'
LEPRECHAN - 'Leprichaun
At The Urinal'
PENIS2 file - 'Penis
Problems'
......................-
'Man
Needs Help At Urinal'
PHONE file - 'Using
A Highway Rest Stop'
PRISON file - 'Prisoner
Escapes'
......................-
'Trapped
In A Toilet'
REDNECK3 file- 'Maw
Wants Paw To Fix Outhouse'
RELIGION2 - 'Three
Agnostic Brothers'
SCHOOL1 file - 'Students
Go To The Race Track'
SCOTTISH file- 'Scotsman
& Jew In The Bathroom'
SHIT file - 'Survival
Guide for Taking a Dump at Work'
SOLDIER2 file- 'Pissing
At Urnal'
URNAL-GRAFFTI- 'The
Sink At IBM's Watson Center'
THOUGHTS-TIME- 'How Long
A Minute Is?'
TRAIN file - 'Hiding
In The Train Bathroom'
WAITER-Waitrs- 'Stockholm
Restraunt's Toilet Seats'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Male Restroom Etiquette (S525)
Made by Overman From: CKButch4Femme on 2/4/07 |
 |
If you've ever wondered the proper
way to use a urinal, this
video will explain all...
You can view this 15,700 KB movie
at the source above, or on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: How
To Poop At Work: (S370b)
From: JBCARY1 on 2/27/2004
We've all been there but don't
like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles
and suddenly felt something
brewing down below. As
much as we try to convince ourselves
otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is
the "Survival Guide" for
taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really
fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and
everyone else gets a whiff
but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you
do this.
Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an
extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
THE FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom
before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in
the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not
to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while
taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall.
This is usually accompanied
by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an
escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are standing
next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not
hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties
feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several
farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually
a side effect of diarrhea or
a hangover.
If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall
until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet
the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces
the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid
being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the
sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you.
As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work
and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of
The Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under their
arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering
the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of coworkers who band
together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This
group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere
in the building where
you can least expect visitors.
Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your
sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize
that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door
open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur
when taking a poop at work.
If this occurs, remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all
new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall.
This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective
when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used
to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying
a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you
hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming
on, create a
diversion. See "CAMO-COUGH."
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates
a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with an Astaire.
AUNT LINDA
A bathroom user who seems to
linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths
of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Aunt Linda makes it
difficult to relax while on
the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the
other bathroom attendees.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Public
Toilet (S363)
From: http://www.fartimer.com/toilet.shtml
on 1/13/04
My mother was a fanatic about
public toilets. As a little
girl, she'd bring me in the
stall, teach me to wad up toilet
paper and wipe the seat.
Then, she'd carefully lay strips
of toilet paper to cover the
seat. Finally, she'd instruct,
"Never, never sit on a public
toilet seat, a Bad Lady might
have just used this toilet."
And she'd demonstrate "The
Stance," which consisted of
balancing over the toilet in a
sitting position without actually
letting any of your flesh
make contact with the toilet
seat. But by this time, I'd
have peed down my leg. And we'd
go home.
That was a long time ago. I've
had lots of experience with
public toilets since then, but
I'm still not particularly
fond of public toilets, especially
those with powerful,
red-eye sensors. Those
toilets know when you want them to
flush. They are psychic
toilets. But I always confuse
their psychic ability by following
my mother's advice and
assuming The Stance.
The Stance is excruciatingly
difficult to maintain when
one's bladder is especially
full. This is most likely to
occur after watching a full-length
feature film. During
the movie pee, it is early impossible
to hold The Stance.
You know what I mean.
You drink a two liter cup of Diet
Coke, then sit still through
a three-hour saga because,
for God's sake, even if you
didn't wipe or wash your
hands in the bathroom, you'd
still miss the pivotal part
of the movie or the second scene,
in which they flash the
leading man's naked derriere.
So, you cross your legs and you
hold it. And you hold it
until that first credit rolls
and you sprint to the bath-
room, about ready to explode
all over your internal organs.
At the bathroom, you find a line
of women that makes you
think there's a half-price sale
on Mel Gibson's underwear
in there. So, you wait
and smile politely at all the other
ladies, also crossing their
legs and smiling politely. And
you finally get closer.
You check for feet under the stall
doors. Every one is occupied.
You hope no one is doing
frivolous things behind those
stall doors, like blowing her
nose or checking the contents
of her wallet.
Finally, a stall door opens and
you dash, nearly knocking
down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the
door won't latch. It doesn't
matter. You hang your hand-
bag on the door hook, yank down
your pants and assume The
Stance. Relief.
More relief.
Then your thighs begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down
but you certainly hadn't taken
time to wipe the seat or
lay toilet paper on it, so you
hold The Stance as your
thighs experience a quake that
would register an eight on
the Richter scale.
To take your mind off it, you
reach for the toilet paper.
Might as well be ready when
you are done. The toilet paper
dispenser is empty. Your
thighs shake more. You remember
the tiny napkin you wiped your
fingers on after eating
buttered popcorn. It would
have to do. You crumble it in
the puffiest way possible.
| It is still smaller
than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, |
 |
You get up quickly, but it's
too late. Your bare bottom
has made contact with all the
germs and life forms on
the bare seat because YOU never
laid down toilet paper,
not that there was any, even
if you had enough time to.
And your mother would be utterly
ashamed of you if she
knew, because her bare bottom
never touched a public
toilet seat because, frankly,
"You don't know what kind
of disease you could get."
And by this time, the automatic
sensor on the back of
the toilet is so confused that
it flushes, sending up
a stream of water akin to a
fountain and then it
suddenly sucks everything down
with such force that
you grab onto the toilet paper
dispenser for fear of
being dragged to China.
At that point, you give up.
You're finished peeing.
You're soaked by the splashing
water. You're
exhausted. You try to
wipe with a Chicklet wrapper
you found in your pocket, then
slink out incon-
spicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate
the sinks with
the automatic sensors, so you
wipe your hands with
spit and a dry paper towel and
walk past a line of
women, still waiting, cross-legged
and unable to
smile politely at this point.
One kind soul at the very end
of the line points
out that you are trailing a
piece of toilet paper
on your shoe as long as the
Mississippi River.
You yank the paper from your
shoe, plunk it in the
woman's hand and say warmly,
"Here, you might need
this."
At this time, you see your spouse,
who has entered,
used and exited his bathroom
and read a copy of War
and Peace while waiting for
you. "What took you so
long?" he asks, annoyed.
That's when you kick him
sharply in the shin and go home.
This is dedicated to all women
everywhere who have
ever had to deal with a public
toilet. And it
finally explains to all you
men what takes us so long.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Husband
Paints Toilet Seat (S276, DU)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/14/2002
A man decides to take the opportunity
while his wife is
away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner
than expected, sits, and gets
the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught
about this and asks her
husband to drive her to the
doctor. She puts on a large
overcoat so as to cover the
stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's,
the man lifts his wife's
coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor,
have you ever seen anything
like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
| Subj:
Toilet Doctor (S232)
From: pns on 7/11/2001 |
 |
See 'Stay Healthy With The Toilet Doctor'
in
attached HTML file BATHROOM_NEW
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
 |
Subj:
Toilet Testers Strive To Come Out No. 2
By DAVE BARRY |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Boy
Pushes Over Outhouse (S216, S478b)
From: thebartend on 3/22/2001
and
From: darrell94590 on 3/20/2006
Once there was a little boy who
lived in the country. They
had to use an outhouse, and
the little boy hated it because
it was hot in the summer, cold
in the winter and stank all
the time. The outhouse was sitting
on the bank of a creek
and the boy determined that
one day he would push that out-
house into the creek.
One day after a spring rain,
the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided today was
the day to push the outhouse
into the creek. So he got a
large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled
into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they
were going to the woodshed
after supper. Knowing
that meant a spanking, the little boy
asked why. The dad replied,
"someone pushed the outhouse
into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy
answered yes. Then he
thought a moment and said, "Dad, I
read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a
cherry tree and didn't get into
trouble because he told the
truth." The dad replied, "well,
son, George Washington's
father wasn't in that cherry
tree!"
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
| Subj:
Bubba Wins A Toilet Brush (S191, S461)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/25/00 |
 |
Bubba drawing
from Quizarama |
Bubba & Earl were in the
local bar enjoying a beer when the
decided to get in on the weekly
charity raffle. They bought
five tickets each at a dollar
a pop.
The following week, when the
raffle was drawn, each had won a
prize. Earl won 1st prize,
a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti
sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet
brush.
About a week or so had passed
when the men met back in the
neighborhood bar for a couple
of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he
liked his prize, to which Earl
replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!
How about you, how's that toilet
brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: A White
And Three Blacks At The Urnals
From: thebartend on 98-06-18
One night a man was drinking
in a bar and he had to go to
the bathroom. While he
was going, he noticed that there
were three black men next to
him at the urinals. He happened
to look down and was shocked
to see that one of the men had
a white penis. He quickly
finished and went back to the bar.
He told the bartender that he
had just seen the strangest
thing when he was in the bathroom.
The bartender asked him
what he saw.
"Well, while I was taking a leak,
I looked over and next to
me were three black guys and
one of them had a white dick!"
he said.
"Oh, those weren't black men,"
the bartender said, "they are
all coal miners and apparently
one of them went home for lunch."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Calvin
In The Toilet (S400b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/19/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200407/039.htm
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Man
Needs Help Pissing (S58)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #235 on 98-03-09
(Also see 'Man Needs
Help At Urinal' in Penis2)
A man walks into a public men's
room. His arms are held
awkwardly out to his sides,
forearms hanging limply,
fingers spread apart.
He approaches another man and
asks, "Excuse me, but could
you please unzip my fly?"
The second fellow is embarrassed,
but feels sorry for the
stranger, who appears to be
crippled. He thinks how
humiliating it must be to have
to ask for help for some-
thing like this, so he complies,
unzipping the first
man's pants.
Next, the man asks him to hold
his penis while he pees.
The second guy is even more
embarrassed, but does as he
is asked.
Finally, the first guy finishes,
and the second man starts
to put his penis back in his
pants.
"Oh, I can take care of that."
the first man says, blowing
on his fingers. "I think
my nails are dry now."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Choose-A-Urinal
(S49)
Take the first annual, Choose-A-Urinal(c) Challenge!
(Also see 'The Urinal Game' in
Bathroom Supp)
Men should ace this test (or
suffer the wrath of men every-
where). Women are on their
own. But, there IS a code of
the restroom that MUST be followed.
The following is the urinal configuration
in a sample men's
room. An X above the number
will indicate "in use."
(Sample)
| | |
x | | | x | indicates men
are at stalls 3
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
and 6.
-------------------------
You are to identify correctly,
based on urinal etiquette,
at which stall you are to correctly
stand. Good luck!
--------------------
Easy Section
--------------------
1.)
| | x |
| x | | | (Stalls
2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: __
1 (easy).
6 - It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
instinctively knows this.
2.)
| x | |
| | | | (1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: __
2 (easy).
6 - Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a
greater risk of being next to someone
who arrives later.
-------------------------------
Kind of tricky
Section
-------------------------------
3.)
| | |
| | | | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
--------------------------
Your choice: __
3 (kind of tricky).
1 or 6 - You are tacitly saying, "I
don't want anyone next to me."
4.)
| | x |
| x | | x |
(2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
4 (kind of tricky).
1 - You're stuck being next to at
least ONE guy, so you minimize the
impact and get a wall on your left.
NEVER go between TWO guys if you
can help it. Exceptions to this
are stadium restrooms where the
herd thunders in.
---------------------------------------------
Subtle, tricky, but important
to know Section
---------------------------------------------
5.)
| | x |
| | x | x |
(2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: __
5 (HARD!).
4 - Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples"
you with the guy in stall 2. And we
wouldn't want THAT now, would we?
This differs from question 4 in such a
subtle way that the nuances cannot be
explained. Suffice to say, only we men
would understand!
--------------------------
VERY tricky indeed Section
--------------------------
6.)
| x | x | |
| x | x | (1, 2,
5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
6 (DAMN HARD!).
NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to
comb your hair or straighten a tie
until the urinals "open up" a bit
more. If you have to go REAL, REAL
BAD...for god's sake, man!...use
a doored stall.
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a
good friend... but even then,
keep it terse and unemotional.
This ain't no clubhouse.
-- I don't think I need to tell
you, absolutely NO touching
of anyone other than yourself.
A touch of another's elbow
is of the highest offense.
-- NO Singing. Period.
-- Glances are for purposes of
acknowledgment only..."Yeah,
I see you there. I will
not look again".
Who'd have thought SO much goes into a seemingly simple process?
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: A Guide
To Proper Etiquette In The Men's Room
Ever since man crawled out of
the primordial ooze, he has
built himself structures to
contain the processes of bodily
waste removal. These have
been known as "restrooms,"
"bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes,"
"men's rooms," and
several other names. As
with any exclusive organization,
wholly half the human race aren't
allowed through the door,
and a number of exceedingly
complicated customs have arisen
to maintain a sense of order
and dignity.
General rules:
1. Don't talk to somebody you
don't know. You may chat
quietly with
an acquaintance, but must absolutely not
call attention
to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror
is permissible, but
absolutely
don't spend a significant time arranging hair,
clothing,
etc. Zit popping is only permissible after
checking
to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind.
This is reserved for locker
rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a
single-file line, ragged, and
be sure to
keep looking around. Read graffiti.
Grafitti rules:
5. All graffiti is anonymous.
If there's any chance
somebody
can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the
open section of the bathroom is
only acceptable
if nobody can see you. Writing in the
stalls is
similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently
public, feel free to
insult different
ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the
bathroom
is used by a small few, restraint comments to
amusing anecdotes
or chit-chat about secretaries.
(part of the file is missing)
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied
urinals, you must choose one
on the outside.
When one outside urinal is occupied, use
the other
side, then middle. Avoid standing directly
next to somebody
at all costs. For example, given seven
urinals,
here are acceptable configurations:
X......
(X = occupied, . = empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X
<-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX
<-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX
<-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
12. Always look at the wall.
Looking down means you're
obsessed
or don't know what you're doing. Looking at
other people
is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional.
Over time, the water will become
a rich orange.
At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until
you're protected by the
privacy of
the urinal. Don't step back until you've
closed your
pants again.
Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs.
Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed
toilet, leave it alone and
use another.
Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories
have co-ed bathrooms. New
rules apply
for dealing with the females.
a. Never,
ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't
ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals
are present, only use them when absolutely
no females are around. If you are noticed by a female,
try your best to ignore her presence until you're
dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar
constructions are evil. Use
them only
if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization,
restrooms typically
aren't available.
Get behind sufficient growth so that
you are completely
invisible to the remainder of your
party before
you begin. Check carefully that you aren't
near any
sort of animal or insect den. Ants are
especially
bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf
identifying
guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.
Pissing Tips for "Real Men"
(Addendum To The Above Rules)
a. Head for the largest open
expanse of urinal available. If
you stand too close
to someone, they will think that you
are gay.
If you stand too far away from someone, they
will think that
you think that they are gay.
b. Three shakes only.
Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker.
c. If you fart, say "Whooaa,
what a ripper!"
d. Don't look. Real men
never compare sizes.
e. Never use the drying machines
or the towels. Walking out
with wet hands
into the bar looks like the condensation
off at least six
pitchers.
Types Of Men You Might Find In
The Restroom
Absent Minded:
Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and
pisses in hispants.
Clever: Uses no
hands, shows off by fixing tie with both
hands, looks around for admiration, and sometimes ends
up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.
Cross-eyed: Looks
into urinal on the left, pisses into the
one in the center, and flushes the one on the right.
Desperate: Waits
in a long time, teeth floating and feet
shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but
before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and
grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.
Disgruntled: Stands
for a while, grunts, gives up, and
walks away.
Drunk: Holds left
thumb in right hand and pisses into
his pants.
Easily induced:
Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of
a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes
bladder to immediately signal full condition.
Efficient: Waits
until he has to crap, then does both at once.
Erect: Either because
his bladder is full or he just saw a
sexy woman, his penis is so erect that he must thrust his
buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out
of his pants. Gets pubic hair cauger. Has never really
grown up.
Indifferent: If
all the urinals are being used, he goes into
a toilet stall to piss. If all the toilet stalls are
taken also, he pisses into the sink or garbage can.
Little: Stands
on a box to piss into the urinal, falls
in,
drowns.
Nosey: Looks into
the next urinal to compare himself with
the other guy's organ.
Patient: Stands
very close for a long time waiting, reading
the paper with his free hand.
Playful: Spots
a friend's shoes under the divider wall and
redirects aim accordingly.
Scientific: Backs
up from the urinal to take a long shot,
misses, and pisses on shoes.
Slob: Does not
bother to flush urinal after using it,
drips all over his shoes and pants when zipping himself
back up, and does not bother to wash hands as he leaves
with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls
afterwards as he is sitting down.
Sneak: Farts silently
while pissing, acts very innocent,
and knows that the man next to him will be blamed.
Sociable: Joins
friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
Timid: Cannot urinate
if someone is watching, pretends to,
and then flushes the urinal as if he has already used it.
Sneaks back in once everyone has left the restroom.
Tough: Bangs dick
against side of urinal to dry it.
Worried: Is not
sure of what he has been into lately and
makes a quick inspection.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: The
Blokes Guide To Taking A Leak..
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #173
Out of "The Blokes Guide to Taking a Leak"
written by Simon Travaglia
Taking a leak is a complex procedure
and a minefield of
social faux pas-es. It
might seem (to the non-bloke casual
observer) like a trivial procedure
of pulling the Holden
over to the side of the road,
finding a reasonably foliaged
bush and bleeding the lizard;
but it's not.
Not at all.
In reality, the above scenario
only occurs when the bloke
concerned is on his own on a
fairly sheltered road. In the
REAL bloke world, when you're
barrelling up the Auckland
motorway (well, as barrelling
as you can with the handbrake
driving as the designated driver,
at 93 km/hr because you
and the mates have made the
compulsory pub stops which render
you unable to drive AND retain
your license), it's not as
simple as that. One must consider
Leak etiquette.
Leak Etiquette: General Rules
Never take a leak onto the ground.
Urine must be only be
directed at vertical objects,
such as trees, bushes etc.
However, taking a leak over
a bank or off a bridge is allowed,
especially if it's on the way
home from the pub.
If you are exceptionally boozed
other non-vertical items can
be used. The boot or back
seat of a Ford Escort or Datsun
Bluebird for instance.
Always concentrate on what you're
doing. Never look at another
guy's dick. Ever. Never,
Ever, make a comment about another
blokes dick. "Shit, that
is a big bastard" is completely
inappropriate.
If you somehow happen to break
this rule, never, EVER, begin
your comment with "FUCK ME..."
Results are indeterminant,
especially if drinking in a
pub where they put fruit down
the spout of your bottle. Never
flash your dick. Especially
if it's fucking humungous. There's
no need to upset the
lads. Be humble.
If you know someone in the shithouse,
you can engage them in
polite conversation, bearing
in mind that, "Shit, that's a
big bastard" or "You just been
swimming?" isn't polite. Talk
about the rugby. Ask him
a technical question about the
valve settings for the V8. Just
get the job done then leave.
Leaving the Shithouse
Leaving the bogs involves some
form of closure. A couple of
shakes is acceptable, but 400
is excessive and is likely to
facilitate the finding of your
body somewhere unpleasant the
next morning.
Sometimes it's appropriate to
sigh after a long awaited leak,
but mostly not. It depends how
much you enjoy playing footy
and how much you would miss
it. A big Bloke-Call is "Do I
wash my hands?"
Now, the legendary Super-Kiwi-Bloke
doesn't even wash his
hands after aiding the tricky
birth of a couple of calves,
emptying a sump and helping
the septic tank guy with his
hoses just prior to dinner.
But we can't all be like that.
So, maybe you do, and maybe
you don't. And maybe you chuck
your hands under the hot air
dryer or maybe you realise
that that's the first step to
getting your own hair dryer
and opening up a flower shop.
It's up to you.
One thing you must NEVER do however,
is catch your reflection
in the mirror for more than
a microsecond. "Posing" is a
cardinal sin, and is to be avoided
by Blokes at all cost. It
starts with posing and ends
up when you buy a "dress watch"
that isn't even waterproof so
you have to take it off before
assisting a calf birth as above.
Before you know it, you're buying
men's perfume, have your
own "man-bag" and your mates
are playing those bloody funny
jokes on you by driving on the
footpath that you're walking
on. Ha ha ha, what a bunch
of jokers!!! Three weeks after
that, you discover that you're
really a woman trapped in
the body of a man and the "dress
watch" was just a manifest-
ation of your subconcious wish
to wear a dress proper, and
your bloke life is over.
So, don't look in the mirror.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Toilet
Training
From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/29/97
The Ideal Situation
If you are lucky, and rarely
is this the case, then you may
be on the receiving end of what
is only known as the "Ideal
Situation." This situation
is, of course, the presence of
one urinal. The etiquette
here is simple: if it's empty,
pee, if it's not, don't.
Period. Of course, a foray to
the world of the public stall
could be merited if the urinal
is busy, but it is always preferable
to busy one's self
with washroom related activity
while waiting for the urinal
to free up. Wash your
hands, check your hair, check the
floor for loose change, do the
moonwalk, etc.
An important note: It is NOT
considered proper etiquette to
enquire to a peeing person if
he is almost done. Nor is it
seemly to attempt to peek in
the urinal for activity. If
you suspect the patron is merely
standing around with his
fly open, it is usually best
just to keep those suspicions
to yourself.
Two Urinal Tango
One urinal was easy. No
tough decisions there. Two urinals,
well, it's a whole different
world. With luck, they will
both be empty. In this
case, choose the appropriate urinal
based on proximity to walls
and other forms of shielding,
and preferably as far away as
possible from large sources
of microwaves and free radicals.
Chances are though, that with
two urinals one of them will
be occupied. In this case
under no circumstances should
you proceed to the urinal.
I repeat: DO NOT PROCEED. To
proceed is to pee in one urinal
adjoining another which is
also occupied. This is
the cardinal sin of urinal etiquette.
Never pee beside someone.
Instead, it is best to busy one's
self with activites mentioned
under the Ideal Situation,
with the possible exception
of moonwalking, for which
breakdancing should be substituted.
A question which becomes increasingly
pressing at this point
is the option of the stall.
If the need is urgent (and it
may well be), the stall may
be considered. However, it is
of utmost importance to make
it appear as if the stall was
the destination all along.
This is why planning is
necessary. If there is potential
urination in the near
future, one should always take
these easy steps:
1. Scout out the bathroom: Urinal
number and location
2. Map out a secondary stall
acess route
3. Practice casual-seeming scouting
of urinal area
4. Limber up for extensive periods
of breakdancing
Planning is not all it takes
though. Once in the stall,
standing is no longer an option.
To stand is to admit to
all who peek for feet that you
never had any intention of
using a stall, but rather that
your efforts at finding a
suitable urinal were unfruitful.
Sit and pee, and if at all
possible, stay for an amount
of time equal to that which
you would normally take if the
stall had been the appro-
priate initial choice, once
again to suggest that you are
not simply peeing in a stall.
However, here we delve into
the realm of stall etiquette,
which is an entirely
different field.
Three's Company
Well then, what about three
urinals. Well, this starts to
get tricky. If you should
come across three empty urinals,
then the natural male tendency
to attempt to accumulate
power and property might lead
you to try the middle urinal.
Unfortunately, in some countries,
to do so is punishable
in manners unspeakable.
For to choose the middle urinal
is to deny any subsequent patron
of the urinals the
opportunity to pee in isolation
while you are still at
your business. To choose
the middle of three urinals is
to commit an act of pure, unadulterated
selfishness, and
for it one should be ashamed.
Instead, one should
immediately proceed the the
end urinal which is furthest
from the door, or alternatively,
best smelling.
However, all three urinals are
not always empty. If upon
entering the bathroom you discern
that the middle urinal
alone is occupied, ever, you
should immediately seek out
the proper authorities to punish
the culprit. Hopefully
though, one of the end urinals
is occupied. This allows
one to proceed to the opposite
urinal, and pee in relative
security.
Further complications arise if
two of the urinals are
occupied. If they are
the two end urinals, then one
should proceed with delay tactics
which were described
earlier, especially nose scratching
and armpit sniffing.
Alternatively, a stall may be
employed, being sure to use
the deceitful tactics also mentioned
earlier. It is
possible that two adjacent urinals
of the three be
occupied. In this case, it is
best just to leave. Hold
your urge, and retreat. To stay
is to share in the shame
that must accompany any two
individuals who are engaged
in such an unseemly situation.
Furthermore, if you are
ever engaged in peeing at an
end urinal, and someone
enters the middle urinal with
the intention of peeing,
it is most definitely appropriate
to ask him to leave.
If he is unreceptive to your
request, you might consider
peeing on his leg.
Should all three urinals be occupied,
upon entry to the
bathroom, not only should you
beat a hasty retreat, but
you should also avert your eyes
in order not to have
the horrible sight of three
adjacent occupied urinals
forever ingrained into your
mind.
Just Four, Not More
Well with four urinals, the
decisions start to really
pile up. Even if all four
urinals are empty upon your
arrival, there is still a lot
of thinking to do. Ideally,
you should still choose a nice,
clean smelling urinal at
either one of the ends. However,
certain extenuating
circumstances have set precedence
for the selection of
one of the two inner urinals.
The reason that this is
acceptable is that the selection
of an inner urinal does
not decrease the potential M.P.P.N.B.A.
(Maximum People
Peeing Not Beside Anyone).
Therefore, if, say, a large
deposit of nuclear waste has
located itself in BOTH of
the end urinals, an inner urinal
may be employed,
preferably the one farthest
away from the largest nuclear
waste deposit.
What about if someone is already
there? Well, much like
the other situations, pee if
you can without peeing
beside anyone (P.I.Y.C.W.P.B.A.),
and otherwise lapse
into delay tactics or stall
deceit strategy. In fact,
because the MPPNBA's are identical
for three and four
urinals, etiquette is greatly
preserved across the
platforms.
Five, Five, Five
Well, what about five urinals.
This is starting to be
a lot of urinals here, and so
proper etiquette is even
more important, as the potential
for people in the
washroom to view improper etiquette
at work is steadily
increasing. Now, however,
in the case of an empty bank
of urinals, the decision is
going to reflect your
personality. If you are
relatively shy, or introverted,
either of the end urinals is
the appropriate choice.
This shows your good knowledge
of urinal etiquette, but
in no way is flashy or showy.
However, if you are bold
and daring, you should choose
the middle urinal. This
immediately gains you command
and authority over the
entire urinal bank, while still
maintaining the highest
possible MPPNBA. Manners and
power, and unbeatable
combination.
Now, selection of a urinal remains
simple if one or more
are occupied. Pee if you
can, if you can't don't. Don't
break any rules of etiquette,
and make sure that others
uphold them. However, because
the number of urinals is
increasing, it becomes increasingly
difficult to assess
the situation while still maintaining
an entirely casual
and matter of fact air.
At this point, practice is
essential. Use mirrors
to scan the urinals, tie your
shoe without ever taking your
eyes off the urinals, etc.
Of even greater concern though,
is to appear all the
time that you are not actually
examining the urinals.
Such actions could be misconstrued,
and such misinter-
pretations must be avoided to
maintain the proper
bathroom decorum.
Six-Six, Pick up Sticks
Now with six or more urinals,
the rules are not so
concrete. However, a few
things must still be kept in
mind.
Maintain a high MPPNBA.
Choose end urinals when
possible, and plan your entry
to the urinal bank so
that every second urinal is
occupied. To employ only
every third urinal is a waste,
and often is accompanied
by a small fine if caught.
Pee as far away from others as
possible. If you enter
into a washroom of 6 urinals,
and someone is at an end
urinal, then by all means proceed
directly to the
urinal at the opposite end.
Maintain your distance at
all times. However, in
banks of 8 urinals are more,
or when the gap between a urinal
patron and the end of
the bank is 7 urinals, it is
appropriate to choose the
second farthest away urinal.
To choose the farthest
urinal might imply to a sensitive
individual that he
smelt, or emitted a blinding
light, or some other
such condition, and might cause
undue unsult. There-
fore, the second farthest urinal
is selected in order
to suggest that while you have
a good grasp of urinal
etiquette, in no way do you
feel that the other
individual is a grotesquely
deformed monster.
There it is. That's it.
All you need to know. I
hope you paid close attention,
and will follow these
simple rules for the betterment
of urinalgoers
everywhere! Pee On!!!
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Urnal Jokes
 |
Subj:
Fish Tank Toilet For Sale (S393b)
From: CKButch4Femme on 8/5/2004 |
| Subj:
Glass Public Toilets - Pictures (S390)
From: jbcary1 on 7/14/2004 |
 |
Top
Subj: Part
of: A
Little History From the 1500s in FACTS5
Most people got married in June
because they took their
yearly bath in May and still
smelled pretty good by June.
However, they were starting
to smell so brides carried a
bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub
filled with hot water. The
man of the house had the privilege
of the nice clean water,
then all the other sons and
men, then the women and finally
the children -- last of all
the babies. By then the water
was so dirty you could actually
lose someone in it-hence
the saying, "Don't throw the
baby out with the bath water."
In 1900 only 14 percent of the
homes in the United States
had a bathtub.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
About 1/3 of all Americans say
they do this while sitting?
Flush the toilet.
The first toilet ever seen on
television was on
"Leave It To Beaver".
Facts about Americans. Did you
know that...
46.5% of men say they ALWAYS
put the seat down after
they've used the
toilet.
30% of us refuse to sit on a
public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our
hands after using the toilet.
23.5% admit they don't always
flush.
45.2% pee in the shower.
44.9% pee in the ocean.
28.1% pee in the pool.
55.2% will let someone else
come in the bathroom while
they're on the
toilet.
39% of us peek in our host's
bathroom cabinet.
17% have been caught
by the host.
81.3% would tell an acquaintance
to zip his pants.
From LAWS file.
In Boston, Massachusetts it is
illegal to take a bath
unless one has been ordered
by a physician to do so....
From: dogbyte on 3/1/2002 (S266c)
How long a minute is depends
on which side
of the bathroom door you are
on!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/28/2001
(S253)
"Here's a bonehead error that
guys often commit in guest
bathrooms: They see soap on
a soap dish, and they use it to
wash their hands. This of course
ruins the guest soap, which
is defined as "soap that guests
are not supposed to use."
Its purpose is to match the
guest towels." -Dave Berry
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/10/2002
(S284B)
The man who often finds himself
in hot water is the
one with a wife, several daughters
and one bathroom.
-- Anonymous
From: www.huumor.com
on 8/6/01 (S237)
Q: What do you do if someone's
having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Smiley has to go from
Smiley_Central |