Urinal, or Toilet Jokes
(Includes 43 jokes and articles, 31 1024,16,cf,wYT2a4,5)
Click 'HERE' for the Bathroom Supplement
AGAG Animation Gallery
Also see BAR1 file
- 'The Golden Saloon'
......................- 'Screams Come From Bar Bathroom'
BAR2 file - 'Woman Rubs Barman's Facial Hair'
BAR-SUPP - 'Non Sequitur Cartoon'
BATHROOM-GRAF- 'The Newest In Men's Bathroom Walls'
.........BEAR file - 'Tundra Comics'
.........CATHOLIC - 'A Drunk Enters The Confessional'
CATS1 file - 'How to Bathe A Cat'
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Where Is Jesus Today? (Little Johnny)
COMPUTERS2 - 'Technology Advances But People Stay The Same'
.........COMPUTRS-SUP2- 'A Wife E-Mails Her Husband'
......................- 'Paper Is Not Dear' - French Ad
COWBOY2 file - 'Jim Lisk, A Cowboy Cartoonist'
......................- 'Three Men At The Urinals'
FACTS3 file - 'New Airport Managers'
GOLF1 file - 'Top 10 Sugg.. For.. Golf Or Restrooms:'
......................- 'Keeping Active In Retirement?'
GOLF3 file - 'Golf Rules'
.........JEWISH1 file - 'Two Men Standing At The Urinals'
KIDS5 file - 'Having Tea With Your Daughter'
LEPRECHAN - 'Leprichaun At The Urinal'
OTHER-PEOPLE - 'Dilbert Comic Strip On Robots'
PENIS2 file - 'Penis Problems'
......................- 'Man Needs Help At Urinal'
PHONE file - 'Using A Highway Rest Stop'
PLANE-SUPP - 'Airplane Toilet Paper Experiment' - Video
POLITICAL1 - 'Trump Urinal' - Photo
PRISON file - 'Prisoner Escapes'
......................- 'Trapped In A Toilet'
REDNECK3 file- 'Maw Wants Paw To Fix Outhouse'
RELIGION2 - 'Three Agnostic Brothers'
SANTA-SUPP - 'Why Santa Didn't Answer your Letter' - Video
SCHOOL1 file - 'Students Go To The Race Track'
SCOTTISH file- 'Scotsman And Jew In The Bathroom'
......................- 'Bizarro Cartoon'
SHIT file - 'Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work'
SOLDIER2 file- 'Pissing At Urinal'
STARTREK-SUPP- 'Bad, Bad Walker' - Drawing
URINAL-GRAFFTI- 'The Sink At IBM's Watson Center'
THOUGHTS-TIME- 'How Long A Minute Is?'
TRAIN file - 'Hiding In The Train Bathroom'
WAITER-Waitrs- 'Stockholm Restraunt's Toilet Seats'
Subj: Calvin In The Toilet (S400b)
Written by: Bill Watterson on 8/19/2004
Male Restroom Etiquette (S525d)
Made by Overman
From: CKButch4Femme on 2/4/2007
If you've ever wondered the proper
way to use a urinal, this
video will explain all... You can view this cute video
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: How To Poop At Work: (S370b, S714)
From: JBCARY1 on 2/27/2004
We've all been there but don't
like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something
brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves
otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is the "Survival Guide" for
taking a dump at work.
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff
but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you
Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an
extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
THE FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in
the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not
to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied
by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an
escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or
If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just occurred.
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid
being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.
As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their
arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur
when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you
hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See "CAMO-COUGH."
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Aunt Linda makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Subj: 11 Unique Restroom Door Signs (S1024)
..........Click 'HERE' to see all eleven signs.
Sesame Street: Ernie and his Rubber Duckie
From: Karen S Dexheimer on Facebook
on 11/5/2010 (S721d, S812)
"Rubber Duckie" is a song sung
by the Muppet character Ernie
(voiced by Jim Henson) on Sesame Street. The song is named
after Ernie's toy, a rubber duck affectionately named Rubber Duckie.
The song became a surprise mainstream hit, reaching #16 on the
Billboard Hot 100 in September 1970 and #14 on the Australian
Singles Chart in December that same year. Click 'HERE' to see
this classic Sesame Street skit.
Subj: Public Toilet (S363, S813)
From: tom on 10/10/2009
and From: virv on 8/12/2012
My mother was a fanatic about
public toilets. As a little
girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet
paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips
of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct,
"Never, never sit on a public toilet seat, a Bad Lady might
have just used this toilet." And she'd demonstrate "The
Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a
sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh
make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd
have peed down my leg. And we'd go home.
That was a long time ago. I've
had lots of experience with
public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly
fond of public toilets, especially those with powerful,
red-eye sensors. Those toilets know when you want them to
flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse
their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and
assuming The Stance.
The Stance is excruciatingly
difficult to maintain when
one's bladder is especially full. This is most likely to
occur after watching a full-length feature film. During
the movie pee, it is early impossible to hold The Stance.
You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet
Coke, then sit still through a three-hour saga because,
for God's sake, even if you didn't wipe or wash your
hands in the bathroom, you'd still miss the pivotal part
of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the
leading man's naked derriere.
So, you cross your legs and you
hold it. And you hold it
until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bath-
room, about ready to explode all over your internal organs.
At the bathroom, you find a line
of women that makes you
think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear
in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other
ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And
you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall
doors. Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing
frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her
nose or checking the contents of her wallet.
Finally, a stall door opens and
you dash, nearly knocking
down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the
door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your hand-
bag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The
Stance. Relief. More relief.
Then your thighs begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down
but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or
lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your
thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on
the Richter scale.
To take your mind off it, you
reach for the toilet paper.
Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper
dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember
the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating
buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in
the puffiest way possible.
| It is still smaller
than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because
the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook
whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you
scream as you reach out for the door,
You get up quickly, but it's
too late. Your bare bottom
has made contact with all the germs and life forms on
the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper,
not that there was any, even if you had enough time to.
And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she
knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public
toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind
of disease you could get."
And by this time, the automatic
sensor on the back of
the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up
a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it
suddenly sucks everything down with such force that
you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
being dragged to China.
At that point, you give up.
You're finished peeing.
You're soaked by the splashing water. You're
exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper
you found in your pocket, then slink out incon-
spicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate
the sinks with
the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with
spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of
women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to
smile politely at this point.
One kind soul at the very end
of the line points
out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper
on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River.
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the
woman's hand and say warmly, "Here, you might need
At this time, you see your spouse,
who has entered,
used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War
and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so
long?" he asks, annoyed. That's when you kick him
sharply in the shin and go home.
This is dedicated to all women
everywhere who have
ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it
finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (S700)
By Dan Piraro on 6/12/2010
The Urinal Game (S505d, S803)
From: CleverMedia on 9/23/2006
Test your knowledge of men's
room etiquette! You can play
the game by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Husband Paints Toilet Seat (S276, S734)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/14/2002
and From: Carfal on 2/2/2011
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been
after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around
to doing it while Lucy was out.
After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter
before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a
shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the
toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the
not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got
home and realized her predic-
ament. They both pushed and pulled without any success
whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the
toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself
and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a
position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this
before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of
them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Subj: Mallard Cartoons (S1014)
By Bruce Tinsley on 6/16/2016
Subj: Boy Pushes Over Outhouse (S216, S478b)
From: thebartend on 3/22/2001
and From: darrell94590 on 3/20/2006
Once there was a little boy who
lived in the country. They
had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because
it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all
the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek
and the boy determined that one day he would push that out-
house into the creek.
One day after a spring rain,
the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse
into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they
were going to the woodshed
after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy
asked why. The dad replied, "someone pushed the outhouse
into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy
answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I
read in school today that George Washington chopped down a
cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the
truth." The dad replied, "well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't in that cherry tree!"
Toilet Testers Strive To Come Out No. 2
By DAVE BARRY
.........'Toilet Testers Strive To Come Out No. 2'
........to read Dave Barry's very funny take on
.........the standard American household commode.
Bubba Wins A Toilet Brush (S191, S841)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/25/00
The following week, when the
raffle was drawn, each had won a
prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti
sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet
About a week or so had passed
when the men met back in the
neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he
liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!
How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Subj: Toilet Paper Etiquette (S967)
From: Fred Carll on Facebook
Subj: Man Needs Help Pissing (S58, S624c)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #235 on 98-03-09
(Also see 'Man Needs Help At Urinal' in Penis2)
A man walks into a public men's
room. His arms are held
awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply,
fingers spread apart.
He approaches another man and
asks, "Excuse me, but could
you please unzip my fly?"
The second fellow is embarrassed,
but feels sorry for the
stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how
humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for some-
thing like this, so he complies, unzipping the first
Next, the man asks him to hold
his penis while he pees.
The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he
Finally, the first guy finishes,
and the second man starts
to put his penis back in his pants.
"Oh, I can take care of that."
the first man says, blowing
on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."
Toilet Doctor (S232)
From: pns on 7/11/2001
..........'Stay Healthy With The Toilet Doctor'
..........to learn about this futuristic toilet.
Subj: Choose-A-Urinal (S49)
Take the first annual, Choose-A-Urinal(c) Challenge!
(Also see 'The Urinal Game' in Bathroom Supp)
Men should ace this test (or
suffer the wrath of men every-
where). Women are on their own. But, there IS a code of
the restroom that MUST be followed.
The following is the urinal configuration
in a sample men's
room. An X above the number will indicate "in use."
| | |
x | | | x | indicates men
are at stalls 3
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | and 6.
You are to identify correctly,
based on urinal etiquette,
at which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!
| | x |
| x | | | (Stalls
2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: __
6 - It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
instinctively knows this.
| x | |
| | | | (1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: __
6 - Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a
greater risk of being next to someone
who arrives later.
Kind of tricky Section
| | |
| | | | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: __
3 (kind of tricky).
1 or 6 - You are tacitly saying, "I
don't want anyone next to me."
| | x |
| x | | x |
(2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: ___
4 (kind of tricky).
1 - You're stuck being next to at
least ONE guy, so you minimize the
impact and get a wall on your left.
NEVER go between TWO guys if you
can help it. Exceptions to this
are stadium restrooms where the
herd thunders in.
Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
| | x |
| | x | x |
(2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: __
4 - Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples"
you with the guy in stall 2. And we
wouldn't want THAT now, would we?
This differs from question 4 in such a
subtle way that the nuances cannot be
explained. Suffice to say, only we men
VERY tricky indeed Section
| x | x | |
| x | x | (1, 2,
5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: ___
6 (DAMN HARD!).
NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to
comb your hair or straighten a tie
until the urinals "open up" a bit
more. If you have to go REAL, REAL
BAD...for god's sake, man!...use
a doored stall.
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a
good friend... but even then,
keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
-- I don't think I need to tell
you, absolutely NO touching
of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow
is of the highest offense.
-- NO Singing. Period.
-- Glances are for purposes of
I see you there. I will not look again".
Who'd have thought SO much goes into a seemingly simple process?
Subj: Toilet Seat Note To Bro (S885d)
Found out the girl I slept with has a boyfriend
the next day. Left this note under the toilet seat
where hopefully only he'll see it.
Taking a leak is a complex procedure
and a minefield of
social faux pas-es. It might seem (to the non-bloke casual
observer) like a trivial procedure of pulling the Holden
over to the side of the road, finding a reasonably foliaged
bush and bleeding the lizard; but it's not.
Not at all.
In reality, the above scenario
only occurs when the bloke
concerned is on his own on a fairly sheltered road. In the
REAL bloke world, when you're barrelling up the Auckland
motorway (well, as barrelling as you can with the handbrake
driving as the designated driver, at 93 km/hr because you
and the mates have made the compulsory pub stops which render
you unable to drive AND retain your license), it's not as
simple as that. One must consider Leak etiquette.
Leak Etiquette: General Rules
Never take a leak onto the ground.
Urine must be only be
directed at vertical objects, such as trees, bushes etc.
However, taking a leak over a bank or off a bridge is allowed,
especially if it's on the way home from the pub.
If you are exceptionally boozed
other non-vertical items can
be used. The boot or back seat of a Ford Escort or Datsun
Bluebird for instance. Always concentrate on what you're
doing. Never look at another guy's dick. Ever. Never,
Ever, make a comment about another blokes dick. "Shit, that
is a big bastard" is completely inappropriate.
If you somehow happen to break
this rule, never, EVER, begin
your comment with "FUCK ME..." Results are indeterminant,
especially if drinking in a pub where they put fruit down
the spout of your bottle. Never flash your dick. Especially
if it's fucking humungous. There's no need to upset the
lads. Be humble.
If you know someone in the shithouse,
you can engage them in
polite conversation, bearing in mind that, "Shit, that's a
big bastard" or "You just been swimming?" isn't polite. Talk
about the rugby. Ask him a technical question about the
valve settings for the V8. Just get the job done then leave.
Leaving the Shithouse
Leaving the bogs involves some
form of closure. A couple of
shakes is acceptable, but 400 is excessive and is likely to
facilitate the finding of your body somewhere unpleasant the
Sometimes it's appropriate to
sigh after a long awaited leak,
but mostly not. It depends how much you enjoy playing footy
and how much you would miss it. A big Bloke-Call is "Do I
wash my hands?"
Now, the legendary Super-Kiwi-Bloke
doesn't even wash his
hands after aiding the tricky birth of a couple of calves,
emptying a sump and helping the septic tank guy with his
hoses just prior to dinner. But we can't all be like that.
So, maybe you do, and maybe you don't. And maybe you chuck
your hands under the hot air dryer or maybe you realise
that that's the first step to getting your own hair dryer
and opening up a flower shop. It's up to you.
One thing you must NEVER do however,
is catch your reflection
in the mirror for more than a microsecond. "Posing" is a
cardinal sin, and is to be avoided by Blokes at all cost. It
starts with posing and ends up when you buy a "dress watch"
that isn't even waterproof so you have to take it off before
assisting a calf birth as above.
Before you know it, you're buying
men's perfume, have your
own "man-bag" and your mates are playing those bloody funny
jokes on you by driving on the footpath that you're walking
on. Ha ha ha, what a bunch of jokers!!! Three weeks after
that, you discover that you're really a woman trapped in
the body of a man and the "dress watch" was just a manifest-
ation of your subconcious wish to wear a dress proper, and
your bloke life is over. So, don't look in the mirror.
Subj: Dave Whamond Cartoon (S882d)
Cartoonist Dave Whamond
From: tom on 11/29/2013
Subj: Short Urinal Jokes
Fish Tank Toilet For Sale (S393b)
From: CKButch4Femme on 8/5/2004
..........Source: (Removed from urbanpeel.com)
Subj: Part of: A Little History From the 1500s in FACTS5
Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June.
However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a
bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub
filled with hot water. The
man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally
the children -- last of all the babies. By then the water
was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it-hence
the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
In 1900 only 14 percent of the
homes in the United States
had a bathtub.
Glass Public Toilets - Pictures (S390)
From: jbcary1 on 7/14/2004
These are pictures of glass public toilets in Switzerland
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
About 1/3 of all Americans say
they do this while sitting?
Flush the toilet.
The first toilet ever seen on
television was on
"Leave It To Beaver".
Facts about Americans. Did you
46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after
they've used the toilet.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
23.5% admit they don't always flush.
45.2% pee in the shower.
44.9% pee in the ocean.
28.1% pee in the pool.
55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while
they're on the toilet.
39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
17% have been caught by the host.
81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
From LAWS file.
In Boston, Massachusetts it is
illegal to take a bath
unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so....
From: dogbyte on 3/1/2002 (S266c)
How long a minute is depends on which side
of the bathroom door you are on!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/28/2001
"Here's a bonehead error that guys often commit in guest
bathrooms: They see soap on a soap dish, and they use it to
wash their hands. This of course ruins the guest soap, which
is defined as "soap that guests are not supposed to use."
Its purpose is to match the guest towels." -Dave Berry
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/10/2002
The man who often finds himself in hot water is the
one with a wife, several daughters and one bathroom.
From: huumor.com on 8/6/01 (S237)
Q: What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.